Flows and Floetry

The Story of the Miracle Birth

2011-12-23T16:07:00.005+03:00

An extremely long time ago, 4BC or thereabouts, before the introduction of company-branded calendars and office-department end of year parties, there was a young virgin named Mary, who lived in Nazareth, and had just been engaged to a one Joseph, whose stag party had been held at a remote drinking spot in Galilee, a small town where he lived with his fiancé Mary, and it is rumored that the wine got finished, but there was no one to turn the plenty of water into boxes of Namaqua, not at least for 30 more years or so.

Earlier on in the Old Testament, the Nastradamus of the times had predicted that in this very dingy town, the messiah would be born to a very special lady, whose pregnancy was to be inflicted by Gad himself, as the future kid was no human being, but would come in human flesh, although a Gad in his own right. A cross-section of atheists that was refusing to believe this theory was asked to look into their LG freezers where they saw that the water they had put in as liquid had turned to ice which was also steaming cold, it was all water in 3 forms, innit, atheist bitch??? *good one

Then an angel visited Mary one day,told her kneel down and pray, for unto her a man child would be born (*then Lauryn Hill used that line in her hit jam, Zion), not Pee Wee Herman, but a child who is a boy, through a chow by the Holy Spirit. While still blasting away to her engagement to the carpenter, she miraculously missed her period, and dashed to the nearby pharmacy where she procured herself a pregnancy test kit which she peed on and gave a 2 minute wait for color separation, watching with bated breath as the colors turned all the way to positive.

It was hard work explaining to her fiancé how this happened, for he must have thought it was that dis-trustful blacksmith that lived next door. The next thing we heard, he had taken her to court like her name was Bad Black, only to turn around and give her a lip kiss in court. Pundits trying to figure out what the hell was going on were later told that Gad had sent an angel to Joseph’s dream telling him to calm the hell down, it was really his kid, and which male lumpen wouldn’t want his wife to have Gad’s kid?

On a starry night, Joe and Mary headed to Bethlehem for a census that had been called up, probably to figure out how to share the nation’s resources, like Abyei. Because all the inns were full, the young couple found a stable nearby during labor pains where the handler’s said “Push”, while she cursed the hell out of the person responsible for taking her through all this pain, like any woman would do…poor Gad! The father couldn’t attend the birth ceremony, a theory that explains why men, till today, dodge the hospital during child birth! The kid was then placed in a manger and dressed in fresh Huggies and baby overalls.

Nearby in the fields, an angel appeared to a bunch of shepherds who announced to them the birth of the newest celebrity kid, Gad’s own, and these rushed over there to celebrate like it was a Chaka Demus and Pliers show! To crown it all, 3 wise guys appeared from the east bearing gifts, which have been revealed to be the new Play Station 5, “It’s a Baby Boy” cards from Bethlehem 24 hour shopping center and myrrh, among other stuffs.

Reigning NRM ruler King Herod had asked the wise guys to show him the new kid after finding him so he would show his respect, like South Korea to Kim Jong Il, but the wise guys “had a dream”, not that one day they would be free at last, but that the naughty King was planning to kill off his future competition like a lion that had just taken over a pride, so they never reported back, earning themselves a name, "NRM rebels", and the kid surviving to tell his stories.

This, ladies and gents, is what we are celebrating, the birth. Any other related stories can be found in the bible!

Forgive........and kind of Forget!!

2011-11-16T13:07:00.001+03:00

Pastor Kayanja has vowed “never to forgive” the four pastors who dragged him to court on account of him “playing golf on the wrong golf courses”, if u know wat I mean.

In other un-related news, the Pastor, while preaching to his congregation on one of his many “healing crusade tours”, told them that forgiving another person is the most divine attribute anyone can have and will guarantee them entering heaven when the time comes, as they shall have portrayed a characteristic only Jesus has ever shown, since it was he that said, “thou selfish punk shall forgive thine nasty offender seventy times seven times”

Ok Jesus, let’s assume we follow you up on this, seventy times seven, according to my “Cashio” fake digital calculator, is 490 times. This means that after being offended and thereafter forgiving punks for bullshit crimes against you 490 times, you have every right to kick their balls right back into their sacs, or bitch slap the offenders if you just so happen to be stronger than they are.

I still have 2 cases against the Government to reach 490 then I shall also riot, but KCC is now on 623, and a couple of corporate bosses reached 900 “crimes” by Sep 2010, crimes of which include “feeling ballistic with their ipads”, mbu they are “conferencing with group about regional quarterly targets”, posing wankers!!

Forgiving is not in itself an end, as it entails the rather difficult bit of forgetting, which is next to impossible, unless you are a politician and are tasked to remember your campaign promises! Or a husband for that matter, after proclaiming to all those promises and vows at the alter that are somehow quickly forgotten, now that’s some bullshit!

Jesus did not forget the lashes he received, or the crown of thorns bestowed upon his forehead, which explains why he refused to return to earth in the year 2000, as had been threatened by his “messiahs” in Revelations. “Dad, send someone else, those earth guys are maniacs”, he was quoted as saying by a heavenly tabloid! “Besigye hasn’t even had half of what I went through”, he reiterated his thoughts.

However even in all this punishment, Jesus said he had forgiven his tormentors, unlike Ghaddafi who simply kept asking “what have I done to you?” The Holy Son, who is not being groomed for the top spot owing to the fact that his Father’s job is forever, said “I forgive ‘em, for they do not know what they are doing”, a statement that has been dismissed as cow pupu by the Pastor Kayanja. He (Kayanja) said, “my tormentors know what they are doing, so fuck ‘em”, although in the real words he was more cautious with his French.

Kizza Besigye, who has gone through a kind of similar treatment like Jesus (Unlike the cross, he was carrying his rack sack the whole time, oba it has a fresh pair of sneakers) has also not forgiven his tormentors, the tear gas platoon! He wants to sue them individually at the ICC, the International Criminal Court for Africans, we wait.

So as we head toward yet another festive season of forgiving, let’s remember that that it strictly applies only 490 times, however, you have to forget the number of times.

That is the irony!

How to write a Ugandan best seller!!

2011-09-12T20:58:00.003+03:00

The call sounded urgent, “man, u gotta read this book…it’s a life changer”, the chick wailed over the phone after getting herself a copy of “The Secret”, a 2006 best selling “self help” book. I had written about it before, but this gave me fresh ideas.

The book promotes some sort of “positive thinking” known as “The Law of Attraction”, what you think about will most likely be the actual outcome, according to the retards that wrote it.

I have since spent the last 3 or 4 days concentrating heavily on pictures of a 25 year old Tyra Banks….hey, am attracting the lass damn it, the Secret says so!

Matter of fact, after reading this book, am not even typing this stuff right now….i am just focusing on the keyboard, and I see stuff typing itself out!

According to the Secret, germs don’t kill, it’s your never ending negative thoughts that degrade yo health! U know why you are poor, it’s the bad thoughts damn you! Don’t send money to starving kids in Somalia! They need some attitude changes around there! Someone should tell them to think positive.

The new reading culture is going to mess a lot of people up, especially the new magazines that chicks be snappin’ off book shelves.

Cosmopolitan and it’s sex advise, “75 ways to please him, then keep him”, is what the front page will say. Meanwhile, Oprah’s “O” magazine has yet a different set of “90 ways to make him yours forever”. You would think chick’s aren’t confused enough.

Because all these books sell real quick in UG, I suggest the following self help books be written right here;

· The secret to a happy marriage – By Prince Barigye of Ankole

· Why forests are good for Mehta’s sugarcanes – By the cabinet

· How to win friends and influence people – By Tamale Mirundi

· Who moved my house keys? – By Gen Tinyefuza and Jennifer Musisi

· How to avoid prison – By Jamwa, with foreword from NSSF board

· Print and Grow rich – By Nasser Sebbagala

· Awaken the Loser within – By Kizza Besigye

· The tear gas driven life – By Action for Change

· Kitenge design in seconds – By Olara Otunnu

· How to buy this book and give me more money – By Pastor Kakande

· How to attract unnecessary attention and keep it – By Chameleon with Radio and Weasil

· How to remain forever a child: Ugandan Peter Pan – By Bebe Fool and Bobi Swine

· The Power of tomorrow, how to postpone shows – By Sean Kingston and Akon

· You are stupid…and an idiot – By Otafiire

· How to get a really cool accent while growing up in Ug – By the Sanyu FM morning crew

· Why goat racing is cooler than formula one – By Kampala’s elite association of posers, inc

· How to beat inflation – By the NRM election mobilisers.

Now let’s see if these wont be best sellers.

Hey!! Put that down!!! That's the salad fork punk!!

2011-08-23T17:31:00.003+03:00

When the British left East Africa in 1962 after walk-to-work protests by Obote (Akena’s dad) and Kenyatta (Uhuru’s dad) turned violent, they promised they would be back, and they are, but they are disguised as a Ugandan company.

Etiquette Consultants is a fully fledged Ugandan company that was set up after it was noticed that many Ugandans were embarrassing their nation whenever they travelled overseas, or whenever they became rich and had no clue how to act rich, most especially ambassadors and as of recent Mayor Ssebagala.

Complete with a Business & Social etiquette coach, their first assignment last Friday was to send out invites to chaps to come and learn how to wine and dine like a real rich person of importance, never mind all this inflation that’s keeping us from buying dessert forks, this is how we actually behave in supermarkets.

“yo, supermarket attendant, how much is a fork?”

“Sir, we sell the whole pack, it has the salad fork, then the dinner fork, then the dessert fork”

“Bitch, I just want to eat my beans, just get me the middle one and let’s get this over with”

The etiquette theme was arranged under the moniker, “Miss Manners Uganda”, who cordially invited many company representatives, especially the un-civilized ones, seeing as mine was invited, to a “3 course dining etiquette experience” at Reedfield restaurant, yes, it exists.

Reedfield restaurant, like the name suggests, is not the kind of place you want to go to if your 3 course dinner consists of a rolex, then splash mango, then a tot of Bond 7. Nope, it’s the kind of place that makes you feel broke and lost. Located in Nakasero, it has the hallmarks of a British upper class household, well organized tables with a thousand napkins for every occasion;

“Sir, u seem sweaty, here’s the sweat napkin….no no no, not that one, that’s for placing on the laps during dinner, and please don’t do that, it should be folded in half after opening then gently placed on the lap, is there any other question I should answer before you mess up the place???”

The event was interactive, with the etiquette coach taking us villagers through lessons on manners, so one wonders what exactly the parents used to talk about when they said they taught us table manners. The most they did was say “don’t eat while standing, the food will go to your legs”, so what about the dessert fork mom??!! Why didn’t you tell us that stuffs??

Meanwhile, if you don’t have that 50 thousand to learn table manners, no worries, al teach ya the most important rules, so when u get rich, u can thank me with a BMW X5 or something for saving you embarrassment, now peep this;

If you are a chick and are into all that make up bollockery, do not attempt lip sticking yourself while at the table, I don’t know why, but bitch, just don’t play that! Go to the kitchen or something

If you are the host of this bash, yo ass shall be the last to serve, you greedy punk you! Wait for the guests goddamit!

When you are being served, receive the dishes from the left side, and calmly serve yourself and pass to the right side, even if it’s your mother-in-law on your right side, just do it.

Now don’t play wise ass when u are trying to eat your salads, there’s some physics to it. If the salad is served as the main entrée, use the dinner fork or the entrée fork, and please don’t ask what entrée means. Otherwise, use the salad fork, and please try and smile, this is serious bidnes!

When using a finger bowl to clean yo manicured paws, place the finger bowl and the doily on the upper left side of the place setting after swimming the fingers through the bowl, this clears space for the dessert plate.

And by the way, in case u bring those little nut case kids mbu they are on holiday, they should stand behind their chairs until all adults including Moses Goloola are seated, and please set the dinner napkin to the left side of the setting after yo plates have been cleared from the table after eating.

With all this stuff, I decided to stick to the rolex. The rules are simple, and few, just 3;

1 – Get rolex from Sula, and u can keep standing the whole time.

2 – Unwrap while eating and hailing that boda chap to take you home.

3 – Throw used kaveera by the roadside, it may be yo left side, or right side, upper left side, or right in the road, we are poor and don’t give a rats ass.

Anyone still up for getting rich?

Living through Load Shedding a.k.a The Dark Ages

2011-08-19T12:30:00.000+03:00

With the constant load shedding, it’s extremely hard to stay at home (and study the science of “how candles really work”) and also become the first human to calculate “the speed of dark” while at it, which shall soon be discovered in Uganda at this rate.

Going to the bars is no longer cool. Bar owners are sick of Pastors being the only business people driving around in brand new cars, so instead of feeling pity on us “patrons” (who the fuck calls someone a patron, what are we, old chaps?) they are also increasing prices like crazy. Recently UBL and Nile breweries increased their beer prices by 202/= (wonder how they came up with the 2/=) but bar owners shot up by 500/= (while “up market” posers increased by 1,000/=).

They claim it’s because of DSTV and Generator fuel price hikes….i kinda believe them.

So if we are going to spend money because there is no power, what better way to really spend it than go to the movies!

Because it’s an experiment, I had to go alone. You don’t want to go with someone to Cineplex on an experiment (of the VIP seats: for if you eat a frog, eat a bloody LARGE one damn it) and get embarrassed when u start unleashing 5 thou notes hoping they count to 60 g’s! Meanwhile, the ka ballistic brown brown is checking her bu nails waiting for the ticket, never to offer to “help”, so much for women emancipation!

Anywho, over to the counter to yell at the chick inside:

“VIP seat bicth!! How much shall my wallet part with??”

“It’s 30 thousand Sir”

“Whoa…..does that come with fries??”

“No, but it comes with a free drink…oh, and a snack of your choice”

“You mean like a pizza?”

“No, erm, we have pop corn, crisps and some other snacks”

“Now that’s something…..could you hold on a second while I call my date, I think al take the ordinary seats….2 please”

So much trouble just to watch “Bridesmaids”, al experiment with the VIP when “Austin Powers: The Prequel” is ever made.

Now it’s late to wait for someone for the movie, but the large frog still has to be eaten. Off to Dolphin Suites for an elegant drink with Mike Mukula. He usually uses the gym there (even though he has his own) and I sit at the bar, so technically, we drink together…erm, at the same place.

The menu looks reasonable, 16 thou for food and 5 thou for a pint. Well, this is some VIP shit, the mind thinks. After 3 pints and food, the waiter brings a bill of 36,600/=. Simple mathematics had told me 3 pints is 15 g’s and food 16g’s, so that’s a cool 31 g’s. So waiter, what’s the BIG idea with yo bill, punk!!????

The waiter then returns the menu, and directs me to the bottom of the page where the little words say “Prices Exclusive of VAT”. Fuckers!!!

Luckily, Warid to Warid was still 5 shillings per second, help was on the way.

Next time, al just eat a bloody small frog!!

UK: Hunter Hunted!!

2011-08-11T14:21:00.000+03:00

The world has just become too funny!

Libya’s government, led by Muamar Ghadaffi, has just asked UK Premier David Cameron and his entire government to step down because they had “lost all legitimacy”.

Libya said, "Cameron and his government must leave after the popular uprising against them and the violent repression of peaceful demonstrators by police. Cameron and his government have lost all legitimacy. These riots show that the British people reject this government which is trying to impose itself through force. We call on the UN Security Council and the international community not to stay with it's arms crossed in the face of the flagrant violation of the rights of the British people."

In the meantime, Iran has urged Britain to show "restraint" in dealing with rioters. Foreign Ministry spokesman asked "the British government to prevent the use of violence by the police, and to engage in dialogue with the protestors and examine their demands in order to restore calm".

Zimbabwe President Mugabe urged Britain to first put out the fires in it's own house before trying to start fires in other people's houses. "Britain, I understand is on fire, especially London and we hope they can extinguish their fire, pay attention to their internal problems and to that fire which is now blazing all over, and leave us alone", Mugabe said.

In the meantime, 3^rd world dictator governments the world over have issued fresh travel advisories to their citizens intending to visit the UK. They have asked all their citizens to evacuate the country, which has been plunged in total chaos for the past 5 days, “only essential personnel in embassies may remain”, the advisory added, stopping short of saying, “that’s if we still have relations with UK and still have an embassy”.

The International Olympic Committee is also being asked, by these same chaps, to see if the 2012 Olympics may be moved to a country with no chaos, like Chad! Nations are advising their sportsmen not to go for the Olympics if they are to be held in chaotic London.

Foreign sportsmen, especially those in the premier league, are advised to evacuate their families and leave only essential staff like translators as they wait for the kick off. They are however advised to keep in touch with their embassies in case they too need immediate evacuation.

Now this is the New World Order.....coming on the heels of China telling the US to sort it's financial mess....or else!!

Sometimes it feels nice to be in the 3^rd world, we welcome the UK to our lifestyle, as we wait for walk to work nonsense, and show them how rioters are handled!

Get rich or try dying....

2011-08-05T13:15:00.001+03:00

The rate at which we want to get rich…real quick, is quite alarming. Kla has been attacked by a socially contagious disease known as network marketing, and the ring leader of this financial circus is a company named Quest Net, who come hot on the heels of Tianshe and GNLD, which sounds like a rapper’s name. These chaps can make you resign your job for this shit.

The first thing they shall be quick to tell you is that “this is not a scam”, and they shall send you to websites with “investors” penning glorious reviews about how their lives changed the day they were introduced to this “investment of a lifetime”.

The characters peddling these financial falsehoods have been trained….really well, to ensure they get dimes from you, and your friends, so if any chap calls and tells you the following, be wary;

“Hey buddy, are you sitting down? I hope you are, coz this will KNOCK YOU OUT! Are you tired of working for a boss? Do you hate it when you have to wait for a salary? Do you want to go for holiday ANYTIME and ANY PLACE you want? Are you tired of me asking all these obvious questions? If your answers are yes, Congratulations, you are a winner and I am here to help you!

What am going to tell you has been kept a big secret by the richest men on the planet. Do you know how Donald Trump makes billions? 2 words….network marketing!

All you need to do is bring in all your friends into our company, and the money we use for advertising shall be given to you. You’ll be a millionaire in 1 year tops. How long would it take you in your current job to be a millionaire?”

Most members of this scheme are corporate employees who are actually sick of their bosses and will hold on to anything to realize their dreams. One member who has been in this scheme and has been employed by a top corporate company was seen driving around in his new ML Mercedes….he claimed “it had nothing to do with his job as a procurement manager, and that the stationary actually got lost in transit, the benz was from selling bio discs”, and he has refused to resign his job for this new lucrative venture…..we don’t know why.

Another government official who joined this scam…..erm sori, scheme, was plotting to use these proceeds from this new found venture to build an arcade and name it “Mama Nantume Plaza”. He claims he will fully finance this plaza from proceeds from “network marketing”, and swears on his kid’s graves that he did not use the money signed for Aggreko that went missing! He has also refused to resign from that low paying job at the ministry, deciding to give less concentration on that money minting Tianshe herb!

If you really want to make quick dimes however, forget this network nonsense, the only rich guys in it are the actors in their promotional videos, you could however get rich real quick by either selling cocaine, playing lotto games, betting on Uganda Cranes, becoming a politician in KCC, turning into a Ho-fessional at Speke road or simply join NSSF as the MD. These will however get you killed real quick either in prison or by suicide……but at least you tried!

The world's ending potponed

2011-07-26T18:54:00.000+03:00

Harold Camping is an old, wrinkled, one-testicled nut case that convinced us all that the world was going to end on May 20^th, and he got some major fans too while at it, coz on the 18^th May, guys went over to chicks and had new pick up lines; “babe, remember when u said u could only have me if the world was ending??? Well, u have 2 days to go………bitch!! Now where and when???”

Just as we thought that it was a hoax by some crazy loon that was so old he knew he was going to die anyway, shit started happening.

Bin Laden got killed on May 3^rd! This infidel-cleansing-self-appointed religious crusader had eluded the world for decades and had acquired Satan-like status, “too bad even for God to catch!” If Bin Laden can get killed, then this world is surely coming to an end.

Oprah’s show got killed: The chick said it’s her last season after 25 years on air. Now how shall we know what book to read? On whose couch shall Tom Cruise jump after getting a new chick? How will Obama win a re-election? How will WBS survive with it’s only remaining talk show, “Jam Agenda”? The world will just end!

The pope on twitter: After a lot of soul searching (and finding only child-boy molesters), the catholic church decided it was time to get hip, groove to the jive and have swag! They first opened a facebook page which was quickly filled with stray confessions from chaps that couldn’t get up for the 7am mass and requests for “penance” by some perverts! They then decided to go twitter on 29^th June with the Pope Benedict XVI (no relation to the BMW X series) sending the first tweet, “"Dear Friends, I just launched News.va. Praised be our Lord Jesus Christ! With my prayers and blessings, Benedictus XVI". Are these the same guys that have still jammed that the world is round? For real? The world must be ending.

The US gets bankrupt: Ok not yet, but they shall be declared “bankrupt” on August 1^st if they don’t meet their 1 trillion dollar debt, most to China. Now who is going to remove Ghaddafi from power? Who is going to lecture Kagu when he goes for a 5^th term? Who is going to lecture Mugabe? Shall they still refuse his wife to shop there? They badly need dimes? This is it!

Chameleon gets another hit: For real? After 10 years of this shit? His new catch line is “me set the trend and de adaz fallo me” nga it’s now a new same raga beat for 4 songs in a row! This world should end!

Another building collapses in Ntinda – that’s normal;

“Election loser Mbabali withdraws case against VP Sekandi yet he looke like he was set to win – denies taking 200 million shilling bribe” – that’s normal stuffs!

Yellow is back!!

2011-07-19T15:25:00.000+03:00

Researchers at the Uganda Virus Research Institute are pissed! They have given the government 2 weeks to answer their demands or they go on strike!!

Nah……. That’s the news that everyone in Uganda would expect, seeing as it’s a new trend to strike – effects of boredom after the Premiership went on a break.

Anywho, the Virus researchers are angry with Wakiso district land board for issuing land titles to chaps for space around the Ziika forest in Kisubi. There’s a forest in Entebbe??

In this forest dwells the dreaded “Aedes Africanus” mosquito, whose name sounds like a soul singing sister, and is solely responsible for the spread of yellow fever.

NRM mobilisers were extremely happy with this news and run to their masters to report that there is actually a faster way to turn the population yellow, and it’s a simple mosquito! Their hopes were quickly dashed when the researchers swiftly added, “between 10% and 20% of people that get it will die, most likely before the next election”, and they quickly climbed down the sand castles they had built with their selfish egos hoping for a windfall of dimes from the national reserves.

The researchers say that this mosquito is used to pinting blood from forest monkeys, and sometimes from taxi conductors and boda boda riders, “it kinda comes across the same to me, I s’pose”, one “Aendes mosquitos” was over heard telling a researcher.

With this data, the institute was quick to send a warning to the rest of the human beings to stop encroaching on this forest lest they fall dangerously ill, and miss all the political comedy action on NTV news!

Vaccination slips for Yellow Fever are compulsory when going to many countries, especially South Africa. They used to go for 17,000 shillings but have now since been revised to 70,000 bucks on the black market, with the go-betweens blaming this rise on the sharp increase on prices of sugar! Now that the yellow fever is for real (thanks to those silly encroachers, and smelly taxi guys), getting this card is going to even increase in cost, due to the factors of demand and supply.

In the meantime, government has promised to do nothing, blaming all this fracas on the opposition who scared away tourists with their walk to work antics leading to forest encroachment and hence giving the forest mosquitoes free and fresh blood to feast on.

Strikes......Strikes....Strikes!!!

2011-07-14T16:05:00.001+03:00

The latest fad in Ug these days is strikes, even students in freakin’ Bupadhengo SS in Kamuli yesterday were at it, and for the stupidest reasons brought forth thus far – vote rigging in favor of boarding students! What the hell is that??? On further questioning, they reluctantly confessed that the actual reason for the strike was that they were pissed off because Cesc Fabregas wanted to leave Arsenal and that the Government was doing nothing to intervene……plus they were being caned with thorns too, as a bonus reason for the strike, make it more legit!

These little fuckers picked a leaf from their lumpen cousins at St Kaggwa School in Bushenyi whose school was closed last week due to a strike for the extremely flimsy reason that they were being fed on posho and beans, yet they wanted more rice! Where do these maggots come up with these strange reasons from? Do they know what we ate while still there? For 6 straight years? (Some of us Kabojja boys can add 7 years to the posho and beans eating tally!).

Recently, students at some obscure school you don’t give a shit about located in Kabale went on a rampage destroying school sauce pans and vandalizing the kitchen stores for raw cassava and sweet potatoe tubes instead of learning the real use of a vernier calipers, for the silly reason that they wanted GTV because all soccer games had been moved away from DSTV, and the poor headmaster gave in, but on the day he procured the set, GTV closed, it’s management disappearing like Micheal Ezra’s dimes!

Campus students are now looking like the civilized lot among all students, having not had a riot in the last 3 months! Congs fellas! Maybe we shall see more first class degree holders this next graduation, as we watch the grad process for 7 days!

The students may not be wrong after all, seeing as everyone else is striking, starting with the Opposition groups who were super pissed they did not get a podium finish after the elections, missing out on holding that famous bible and swearing all sorts of promises they shall never keep! Like “ensuring service delivery by curbing corruption!” They walked to work and were tear gassed back to oblivion till they get more dimes!

Traders felt that they were not getting enough attention, and closed their shops for 2 days, till some of them reached home and saw there were only Ground nuts instead of the usual meat in the main food bowl. They quickly re-opened before we knew weather they had actually been listened to or not. But it seems they didn’t, cause they have promised to shut down for a week if govt doesn’t do something in 2 weeks time. Looks like they are saving up for that protest this time round.

Teachers seem to also be tired of their little lumpen students taking all the shine – as if they are not there! They have promised to lay down their tools, which consist of boxes upon boxes of chalk, in 2 weeks time, if their salaries are not doubled – and then some – from a paltry 200,000 to 460,000 or thereabouts, “our money cant afford firewood anymore, yet our former students are all buying cooking gas and staying in the Bugolobi flats”, one of them was overheard wailing to a government official! They have told them to wait for the next budget, or rather the next Government, if they cant be patient for one more year!

Smelly taxi touts and their caveman uncivilized co-workers, the taxi drivers halted work for 1 day to demand answers from government! They had promised to do 2 days but the brokenness was for CHOGM and World Cup combined. They have since resumed their daily tasks of spreading nasty rotten-egg-like arm pit odor to sassily dressed corporate bu-nankas heading to work, by spreading their arms allover the taxi trying to collect that 1 k note from that charcoal vendor seated at the back! Hope their grievances were solved, because the Samona health and beauty division was given a contract to manufacture more low priced bathing soap this week!

In the meantime, studies have shown that usually it’s broke people that protest, riot and cause mayhem to the rest of the unfairly advantaged world citizens with dimes, so in case you find yourself striking…….just know you may be broke!

As for me, av been on strike (read broke!!!)

Women 'n power!!!

2011-03-06T13:03:00.005+03:00

After the lousy opposition miserably and predictably lost the election, only one of them remained sane enough to accept that shit was really tight their sides and conceded defeat, and coincidentally, it was the only woman candidate, a one Beti Olive.

She rode mainly on the federo ticket, some shit we non-voters don’t give a rat’s behind about, and also on the female ticket, “it’s time for the women to have a chance to be on top”, she didn’t intend any pun!

But critically looking at women in power, it just doesn’t seem like the right time. The few that have tried haven’t been that “motherly”, like Margeret Thatcher or almost “on top” Hillary Clinton with their dictatorial tendencies. Even in the damn Bible, chicks are wicked and prostitutional, u wonder what the authors were thinking, let’s examine these extinct bitches!

Eve:

According to the ki holy book, this bitch is single handedly responsible for us going thru bullshit times like elections and Buganda riots, coz the creator was so pissed by the actions of her “handsome baby”, not Winnie’s Besigye, but that “sucker for apples” Adam, that he has since sent all of us humans to “toil till the death and haha like NSSF’s Jamwa"!

The book says that the snake convinced Eve to insist on a chow….i mean, an apple, and it’s her weakness that allowed for her to convince “baby face” Adam into sin, hence our current troubles, but you don’t believe that do ya?? Even my housegirl, if she really wanted, could give me that apple, that’s my weakness bible punk, leave Eve out of it!

Jezebel:

The biggest sex symbol of the ages till Madonna and Janet Jackson showed up! This chick was referred to as a pagan coz she insast on believing in her own gods, and the rituals involved heavy chows that even the Shadow’s angels would shudder. She used this religion to have her political enemies killed (as if she couldn’t charge them with rape or treason) until she herself was disemboweled and fed to a pack of dogs. Nga the bible is violent!!

Bathsheba:

Solomon’s mom didn’t come into the picture after her ballistic son, but rather in a bizarre sexual story before Solomon, but av really hahad this book, it’s for PG 25!!

It was a cool breezy ki afternoon, the day of the week unknown, when King David was strolling in his compound; his eyes then moved over to the fountain at the end of the compound, where a ballistic naked chick was taking a shower. He immediately called his Interior Minister to start tapping her phone, from where he was told she was the wife to one of the army commanders.

He summoned the Chief of Defence and asked for the chick’s husband, a one Uriah, to be immediately deployed at the frontlines of Garamba, from where he was quickly and obviously killed, those machete boys were not fooling!

In consolation, he brought her to his house and married the damn chick, and henceforth stopped her from showering at the fountain, lest some other king, probably the Kimeze chap of Kayunga, spots her ballisticness. But, the chick was preggers with Uriah’s kid, but by some magic, that kid got nipped in the bud, and sent to heaven before the 9 months prescribed time by David’s OBGYNs, so David proceeded and did the damn thing and out came Solomon as the “original first born”. Now that’s sex, intrigue, murder….....as if a ki-nigeria!

Delilah:

This one was described as a philistine prostitute from the start, probably picked up from the Speke Road of the philistine streets. Her intelligence brief, ordered by the torturous ISO garbage of the time was to seduce that Israelite strongman Samson with her ballistic brown-browness so he tells her his secret, just like the snake did to Eve. Nga men we have suffered with chicks!!

That fucker went down, and told her the secret, the bitch hadn’t even asked for dimes!! What gives!!!

With this little history about chicks, Beti Olive thus got 0.15% of the votes!!!

Why he failed to vote!!

2011-02-20T10:43:00.000+03:00

Why Olara Otunnu failed to vote:

10 - He got a wife on valentine’s day, it was more important to stay with her.

9 – His lucky red shirt he used on valentine’s day was still dirty, he couldn’t come out.

8 – Like many karimojong, he didn’t know it was voting day.

7 – He thought it was NRM day.

6 – He listened to ALL the candidates, and couldn’t think of who to vote for.

5 – He failed to find Obote’s name on the ballot paper.

4 – His name was on the Luweero register, he has instituted a truth commission.

3 – He thought it was 1980 and Paolo Muwanga would automatically announce UPC as winners.

2 – He woke up and realized Kigundu was still head of the EC!

And the number 1 reason;

1 – He came to his senses and said “Fuck it!!! Who am I kidding!!!”

Election Crap!!

2011-02-17T14:52:00.004+03:00

Election crap is back again, a time to test our fears and face our rioters! Some of us are not on that shit, it'll be business as usual until that tear gas canister interupts our good living.

In the meantime, I stumbled upon the "Ghetto Bible", a project some punks are trying to do so as "to get the kids to read the bible", whether it'll work is the wildest guess, but as a sample, they released the 10 commandments, just to see the public's reaction, and here they are;

1. I beez God. Don' beez dissin me wit otha godz.

2. Don' beez makin no hood ornaments like nothin in my crib, anythang upstayrs, orr anythang anywherz elz.

3. Don' beez usin my name 'n a wack way - homey don' play dat.

4. Y'all betta be keepin da sabbathh.

5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know whoz ya daddy beez, don' dis him neither.

6. Don' cap ya bros.

7. Don' cheat on ya babies' mama.

8. Don' be liftin no goods.

9. Don' be lyin an' snitchin on ya homies.

10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.

I hope to read the rest of it someday, if there are no riots.

Go thee forth and vote wisely, and cause chaos not!

Random stuffs....

2011-02-09T12:46:00.001+03:00

It’s the season for bills, and implementing them. First was the king’s bill, which was implemented urgently like a vaccine for yellow fever, yellow being NRM! Then the bastards at KCC, tired of the little dimes sent for them to eat in the guise of fixing roads, have unlash a ki new bill that’s going to mesmerize the ordinary citizen.

The trade / licensing instrument of 2009 is now in effect, and a booklet of like 20 pages is out, naming the amounts to be paid by various businesses, and trust these chaps, they have missed NO ONE.

In order not to confuse chaps, they have Supermarket (large) and Supermarket (other), it’s up to you to figure. These bastards have also added on “circus show”, 60 thou a year, just in case “Akef circus” returns after Mubarak has been eventually toppled. (or maybe they want to fine those clowns at Amarula family for holding circuses disguised as comedy shows, and Pablo too)

As for these biznesses, brace yourselves, u are being watched;

“bread seller, tailor, wheelbarrow pusher (20k), saucepan repairer (30k), pocorn making machine (40k), stamp makers, website designing (wonder how they’ll find these ones in their homes and cars), pool table (60k), herbal/local medicine (100k), mineral dealers (including those that have been “recovered from muzungus” in an accident), bridal salon (180k), are these that many……….a list of 156 can’t be exhausted here.

Speaking of “Akef Circus”, y’all rememba those clowns (they really are) in the early 90’s that came over from Cairo (and disrupted our show of “hands off my car” on UTV) and ended up crashing their makeshift roller coaster before fleeing down south? Well they remind one of Hosni Mubarak, that chap that is almost being toppled.

Hosni, the 82 year old living mummy says he is so fed up of the presidency, but if he dares leave, there shall be widespread chaos in Egypt! But now, what can we call what is happening there right now? I never want to reach 82! Never to see clearly!

Hosni has been calling on African leaders to find a solution on “how to really cling to power”, and these were some of the responses;

Mugabe: “Fella, I was once your age and had the exact same situation, just look for the lead bugger and make him Executive VP”

Kibaki: “Same here bro, it’s hard being old”

Mandela: “Just quit!”

Kaunda: “Listen to Nelson, there’s life out there for we living mummies”

Kagu: “It depends…..are u a revolutionary?? No!!! Fella, am with Nelson on this one, Quit!”

Mswati: “Man, just hand over to Hosni W. Mubarak Gamal, we still do that here!”

Omar El Bashir: “Declare yourself “the last pharaoh bitch”

Zuma: “u raped who??? Oh, that, sorry bro, never really been in that situation!”

But if u also gave me 20 million every other election, just for just, I just may join politrix!!

M.B.A - Masters in Bullshit Administration

2011-01-30T14:55:00.002+03:00

It was late 2009, and it was time for the New Year’s resolution, and the corporate chap had his list of “shit to do” by the end of 2010. One of the “shitty things to do” was “move out of the flats”, “attempt to buy a plot of land” and many other shitty things, but way high on the list was “get an MBA”. These guys graduate in numbers more than those Makerere under-grads, one of these days they may cause traffic jams too!

But when they return to office, what the heck exactly do they add to our society? I know: Words!!

MBA’s are just impractical chaps, they are not really a threat at the work place, but in case u want to know a chap with an MBA, don’t look out for the improved quality of work, listen to the bugger, and look out for following words in the conversation;

Synergy, Going forward, Learning curve, Core business, Touch base, Game plan, Value added, Benchmark, Go the extra mile, The big picture, Movers and shakers, Trailblazers, Fast track, Empowerment, Win-win situation, Think outside the box, Fast track, Proactive and reactive, At the end of the day, Terms of reference, Mindset, Feedback, Let’s un-pack this, Client – focused, Put this to bed, Knock – on effect, Process improvement, Make a business case, Skill set, Downsize, Gap analysis……..

The bu chaps on internship learn the hard way, they be like “damn, I want to be this guy”, but worry not, those are just words, as if a campaign.

Another thing MBAs “bring on board” is e-mail etiquette, so if you are an intern, prepare for some shit;

These days as u may or may not realize, an MBA must have a blackberry, that way, they can get email even when they are in the bar signing off credit, and way late in the night, helps “maximize time management and project synergies”, whatever that means, just sounds MBA-ish…there are emails called “stinkers”, these are polite ways to tell u how bullshit u are, for e.g;

If the MBA is not happy with “your team’s” work, you will not get an email saying “u bullshit punks should join PPP and know u are doing nothing…”, but u’ll see something like “I’ll be happy to sit with you and your team and share my experience and expertise”. See, that didn’t hurt, MBA’s learn shit!

MBA’s can even subtly assure their bosses, those punks still pursuing “a professional course”. They can tell the bugger he’s a complete fool without saying much, the email will just read “No point in rushing in where angels fear to tread”, only difference is they will not quote the original author, coz they don’t know much shit, just book smarts!

As an intern / temp / fake boss with “professional qualification”, do not bother replying an MBA, it’s a much sweeter rebuttal as this will piss ‘em off, they still want to show their prowess. If you mess and reply, u will get something like “..if you bothered to read the previous mail, u will note that u clearly missed ……..” so don’t do it!

At the end of the day, don’t stress yourself with these ego-tistic buggers, at least u are still on earth, no chance of u ever crushing down!! The laws of gravity always work!

Let's go green.......5 thou notes that is!!

2011-01-27T13:28:00.004+03:00

So u have suffered, thrown your sweat around and tears after a couple of riots and u have finally made it to the pinnacle of society, and now u are a “big person”, complete with a driver and bodyguard, and now u are suddenly expected to act super human….

Stop wondering what am on, it’s the MP’s! Last week they (all 500 of ‘em, including those for disabilities) woke up to a normal politician’s day, campaign posters greeting them in their bathrooms while they brushed their teeth with local herbs from the nearest witch to help the buggers win the next elections….they then dressed up in their polyester ties ( a favorite with MPs born before 1960) and walked to the bank to see how their bus loans were doing….

“Mama mia santa maria!!!...” they all exclaimed as they saw their loans had drastically reduced to levels they had last seen while they were still honest and noble hard working citizens of the land! “How the hell did my loan reduce by 20 million??? I hope there is no computer error like Barclays did in 2008!!”

“No Sir, the government has been kind enuff to credit your account….just for for the sake of just!”

“What!!! Are u sure? But I am not NRM? Is this for the King’s bill?? Walaye am voting for it!!! Fuck principle, the only principle I care about right now is paying off the loan principle!!! It’s so on!!”

Speaking of the King’s bill, I feel sorry for these chaps (gifted to lead by nature). If that guy ever messes up and grabs a hoe to show his “subjects” how to get outta that nagging pest “poverty”, he shall be charged with “promoting a certain bullshit party, they use a hoe right?”. These guys are not supposed to use lamps in their homes, despite the massive load shedding, “u’re now supporting that other lamp-wielding bugger, get an inverter bitch!!”

The people to implement this bill have been “oiled” with 20 million, so what about??!!

Speaking about “oiling”, the other day as I was just wasting time driving around looking for proggie, being a public holiday and all, I unlash my phone to make a quick plan for goat's meat, and this was in a deserted Naguru area near Kembabazi’s joint. Seconds later, a mobile patrol pick up came racing down the road, I was pretty sure some bank was being robbed right ahead!

I slowed down and moved off the road so these “rescuers, sworn to protect and to serve the helpless” were on their way to “put out of action” these vices of society, the thugs! Instead of the punks driving straight ahead, the guys parked right in front of me, guns corked on the ready, I started thinking, “shit, maybe I robbed some stuf while I was drunk, this is it, my nightmare comes true, jail and shit…”

Out comes the lead lumpen, pistol holstered on his rugged second hand belt straight from a stall that survived the fire in the Owino market…"Ello, u know why I’ve stopped u ello….u have commited a very serious crime ello…u were talking on the telephone”

“Yeah yeah, how much is the fine?”

“It’s not that simple ello, first, u are going to drive behind me to Jinja Road, I will then hand u over to the senior traffic department officer who will charge u with this very very serious offence, then u will go to court and I shall be the one to tell the judge about this criminal activity u are engaging in, but first, give me your name so I can jot you down in this crime journal here…or, and more importantly, u can talk to me like a man!!!!”

“Phewks, maybe I give u some fine then we forget about all this….like the 20 million for MP’s”

“Sir, u are the kind of co-operative Ugandans we like to deal with ello…. Now we were going to go through a very long process ello….just give the kitu kidogo and we all forget about this!”

“Here is a new crisp green 5 thou note!”

“Thank you Sir, u know u could have caused a very nasty accident on this completely traffic-free road, talking on phone is a very serious crime, but since u have paid your fine, which i will ensure gets to the treasury ASAP, fare thee well and go multiply….sori, that’s from church, I am the choir master deya ello… go thee well and enjoy the holiday!”

“Laterz punk!!”

And that was my contribution to our country’s un-enviable corruption index, shya, as if am the only one doing it!!! Remember, It begins with you…..or is it “it stops with you!!”, whatevs, corruption rules!!

Minority Report - Happy Holidays!!

2010-12-28T15:01:00.002+03:00

“Minorities!!”, that’s the magic word these days. It’s getting hard for people to be white, it seems nature is finally giving them what they deserve (those colonialist bastards!). A black man right now in the UK or the US has a chance to get away with a lot of shit, he just has to say “you’re firing me coz am black!!” and that’s it, thousands of apologies will flow in and the job re-instated, with a ka higher perk.

Women like Beti Kamya will slip in a ka “men have failed to rule this country, it’s our turn, vote for me…” just because women are treated as minorities, giving them 1.5 extra points to get government scholarships and all!

But the guys that are taking this minority shit to another level are the jews! Any shit you say bad about these guys even has a name, “anti-Semitism”. These guys are so pissed off with Christians for hijacking the 25th of December and proclaiming “Merry Christmas” to all that care, they don’t want that shit anymore!

They still believe that Jesus hasn’t even been born yet, and so first they first spread around “Merry X-mas” as an alternative but this shit didn’t really work coz X is for Christ, in Greek, or Chi, in their spelling. So Malcom would be Malcom-Christ, if he was in Greece!

To totally erase any connection with the Christ on this ballistic day (no seeing the boss), they proposed, and efficiently implemented, “Happy Holidays!!” Nowadays kids don’t even know what the heck they be receiving gifts for! They just know that some big bearded (and still mostly white) man “drops” gifts through their chimneys, at least that’s what they think till they reach their Bugolobi flat and start trying to figure out “what the heck a chimney is?”, who has that shit in their homes??!!

The chaps in Ivory Coast are not having “Happy Holidays” however, they are not the first, Kenyans didn’t have it happy after those damned elections of 07 either. The Ivorian loser/winner, a one Outtara called the French Prez to wish him “happy holidays” and as a polite goodbye, he tagged on a ka special request, “boss, can u ground Gbagbo’s private jet, it’s busy there putting fuel and ferrying his family for the “holidays”. The French Pres was like “Yes Sir, anything you want Mister President who is not sworn in, but still, a President!”

Gbagbo, the man whose name hates associating with vowels, has since made more empty threats to throw out the French bastards, oh if only he were a minority of sorts!

The Palestinians are having a totally hard time reclaiming their lost lands to Israel coz they are Arabs in a huge Arabian land. The minority Jews / Israelis have the back up of the guys that matter (friends of Wiki Leaks) and are killing chaps like grasshoppers on a stray November night on a Masaka street! If only the Palestinians had that magic “minority” voice!

Being a minority has it’s downsides too. A chick can be raped and can’t revenge rape back, its just sad!

A tribe can be wiped out (or try to be wiped out) coz they don’t have the numbers to defend they’ selves!

A black man in Russia can be skinned alive, just becoz he looks that way, and has no backup.

That Jesus boy had better show up before His message evaporates in the fumes of discarded “Holiday” gifts!

Happy Holidays y’all!!

Coffee anyone??

2010-12-19T14:17:00.004+03:00

Coffee hangouts are springing up faster than barbershops slash video libraries these days! Ugandans are such a predictable bunch, or rather, investors in Uganda are such a predictable bunch, what with most being Chinese or Indian “foreign investors” and all!

First we were hit by “takeaways” in the 90’s, everyone’s auntie had one, so we were spoilt for choice on where to get that free “chips and sausage”. Then video libraries crept in and garages were turned to libraries with a large poster of “Titanic” hanging on it’s door to inform the public of the amazing stuff going on in there. These later turned into salons after street hawkers “took the video service closer to the people” unlike what bullshit politicians promise to do and don’t deliver.

But now, coffee is the shit, and it’s not cheap!

After Ban Café’s success (and many corporate dates that turned to marriages later), Café Pap crept in and became the poser’s lounging club. The City Oil guys decided to open a similar stuff, “Javas” at their gas station, but went an entire notch higher when they opened a ballistic one at the Nakumatt building.

Corporate posers were extremely thrilled with this innovation, and if any of them owes u dimes, just take a stroll there, they will definitely be there. Ban café not to be outdone, has also opened a similar café at the very same building, adjacent to Javas, so if you don’t find your debtor at one of them, cross to the other, they shall be posing from there.

I happened to look for one of these debtors at these places but the experience taught me exactly why I shouldn’t hang at cafes, damn this shit is rocket science, no wonder only corporate chaps with their training in Dubai and Pretoria fit in.

On entering these places, u will notice that the entire wall is a menu, and they have their own lingo, much like learning “programming” in IT or “financial analysis” in business. You know exactly what something is, but these punks just want to complicate matters. When u go to a bank for example and want to make a deposit, the silly teller will tell u to fill in a “CTV”. This statement will leave u more confused than the IPC figuring out who their mayoral candidate really is!

On inquiry, the ka teller will tell you “CTV” is not a camera thingy, but a “Customer Transaction Voucher”, which we ordinary mortals call a “deposit slip”. Why the hell didn’t you just say that in the first place?? Wasting my time! Oh I get it, u have to pay for that training don’t ya? Show us u know shit! Its just a deposit slip bitch!! And it only asks for account number, name and amounts in the various denominations to fill in! Didn’t know I knew “denominations” now did ya??

Anywho, these café buggers behave just like teller number 1 above, maybe they want to justify their huge prices, but u don’t just walk into a café mbu u have dimes, u must know the lingo!

For example, they have some stuff called Espresso. No Maggie, this doesn’t mean coffee that is brewed extra fast. That only stops at the dry cleaners where u pay more dimes for “express-o” wash and dry. Espresso means coffee powder brewed under very extreme pressure, and its super strong, to addictive levels.

The con doesn’t stop there, they will ask if u want the espresso as latte. Latte is the coffee plus milk. Wonder why the punks didn’t just ask “do u want milk or plain coffee?” but no, u gotta sound as expensive as that bill is going to be – shortly!

The barista will then ask you…….oh sorry, forgot to mention that. The guy that comes to take your order, complete with a pen and writing pad (to look extra coolest) is called a barista. For calling him a “waiter” or “garcon” will simply increase your bill! Anywho, the “barista” will ask whether u want it as “frappucino”, another word that ends with “o”, looks like the nigerians are in charge of this one. Apparently that means “cold coffee”, as if the bastards just couldnt say that!

“well-o, if u don’t mind-o, al have latte frappucino, I have de money-o, kinekee-oo”

A sip of this shit will hit u with a high that’s 100 times better than weed, so I have been told! Never to know this weed stuff! Addicts to this shit are rich guys or corporate chaps with “entertainment” loans, be careful not to fall for this shit!

And as I end this, here comes that punk with my dimes, logging off…..

The International Circus Court!!

2010-12-16T18:11:00.004+03:00

Louise Mourihno Ocampo has been the busiest African tormentor for like the last 5 years! The ICC, a court set up by some white chaps to disturb some black chaps (and some extremely broke eastern Europeans from countries that end with ….”ia”, Yugoslavia, Latvia, Georgia, Serbia…) is at it again. This guy is held in equal esteem as the WikLeaks founder Julian Assange, one wonders whether he is a hero or a zero, I also can’t tell!

On the one hand, his actions will dissuade and strongly discourage the impunity of these so called African “un-touchables” that have been roaming our plains since independence, the corrupt buggers that ride in gas guzzlers from our bu little dimes! They un-fortunately still believe they are chiefs like those guys in Nigerian movies, "i wont my moni...kineke-oooo"

On the other, it will piss us black power advocates that believe we can whip these corrupt individuals to some sensible reality without necessary running to “white daddy” to “report on them”! "hey u, minister of whatever, surrender that VX or your epitaph will read "whacked by natural causes, he surely and dearly won't be missed!"

Let’s see Mr Ocampo’s list of guests;

Pierre Bemba – DRC mullah de la mullah and an almost winner of rebellion – promoted to Exec PM to stop war, then immediately reported to Ocampo.

Charles Taylor – Conqueror of Naomi Campbell and chief inspirer of the movie “Blood Diamonds”. Tricked by Nigeria to flee to Cameron, disguised as a housegirl in a car boot, then reported to Ocampo who arretsed him like an immigrant running to Spain!

Joseph Kony – Limb mutilator and head of the LRA, Lucifer’s Rag-tag Army, under protection from the next guy.

Omar Bashir – Director of “The killing fields of Darfur” and sitting Prez of Sudan United before the Jan referendum.

Thomas Lubanga – Accused rapist and as if freedom fighter of Eastern DRC. Never heard of 'im

Uhuru Kenyatta – Not on trial, but has been named. Can I have “brookside dairies” if you lose the case? Please?

William Ruto – Of the maize scandal, and now of the violence scandal. There'd better be corn flakes at the hague!

These silly ICC clowns! First off, the head of the Kenyan electoral commission who had no clue on how to do his job independently should have been suspect numero uno! The Prez that swore himself in before allowing for court petitions, or even inviting neighbor Prezzos to attend, should answer a question or two. The guys that broke the railway and stopped the trains that bring in tusker malt to UBL and caused us untold soberness for 2 weeks, where are they? This is real ICC material!

Lakini on a polite note, the chaps that signed up African states to this ICC circus should be put on a suspects list and sent to trial. Even after all this bullshit of the war mongering Bemba and Charles Taylor, our brothers in the Ivory Coast are doing the exact same shit they should be fearing to do lest they go on trial too! So what’s the purpose? The US signed up for this ICC crap, then removed their signature 2 weeks after George Bush was sworn in, then he went on to wreck mayhem in the entire world, and instead of trying that little nut, they’ll settle for Uhuru, a guy that gave Ministers VW Passats to save dimes, no wonder they “reported on him”.

As for the impending violence next year (after a certain presidential candidate announces his own version of results, as threatened – and which immature bugger does that, like they can pronounce their opponent the winner), we shall also wait for a list of suspects a year or 2 after the repercussions – like that will reverse any damage!!

Let’s hope for the best!

Mis-inspirational quotes!!

2010-12-15T13:16:00.002+03:00

As the year comes to a close (and we get into the hippy ten’s), several chaps are going to lie to themselves that they are going to make resolutions, which shall inevitably be broken 2 weeks into the new year, yet another lie! Inspirational buggers like the author of many books which talk about many other books, a one Musolini, shall be racking up dimes as they speak at corporate farewell bashes for all ye employees at the end of year retreat.

If I had this bugger’s job, I would go in there just to mess things up. After reminding you that dimes are not so important (except when it’s time to pay rent), I would unleash a powerpoint slide with the most mis-inspirational quotes to guide you into the new year, and al share them in a jiff, see that’s shorter than a jifyy! Here goes:

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when it shines, and wants it back the minute it begins to rain” – Mark Twain.

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing” – Emo Phillips

“A hard man is good to find” – Mae West

“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished! – Zsa Gabor

“A man in the house is worth two in the street!” – Mae West

“A man is only as old as the woman he feels.” – Graucho Max

“A woman drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her” – W C Fields

“Behind every successful man – is a huge bank account!” – Anonymous

“Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days the statue!” – Dilbert

“All things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening” – Alex Woolcott

“Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed” – Winston Churchill

“Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.” – Anonymous

“Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies” – Oliver Goldsmith

“Women are absolutely equal, they just can’t quite lift as much.” – Lee Roth

“The road to success is always under construction” – Anonymous

“Dancing – the vertical expression of a horizontal desire” – Bernard Shaw

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes” – Oscar Wilde

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – JFK

“Giving up smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times” – Anonymous

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot. But let not that fool ya, he really is an idiot!” – Max

“He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches” – Bernard Shaw

“I drink, therefore I am” – WC Fields

“I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting” – Mark Twain

“I love animals, they are tasty” – Anonymous

“I love being married. Its so great to find that 1 special person u want to annoy the rest of yo life” – Rudner

“I never drink water, fish fuck in it” – WC Fields

“If at first u don’t succeed, try try again, then give up. There’s no sense being a damned fool about it” – WC Fields

“If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.” – Brent

“I’ve had a perfectly good evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Max

“Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rudner

“Never take life too seriously. No one ever gets out alive anyway!” – Anonymous

And that’s it!

The new Christmas!!

2010-12-14T15:55:00.002+03:00

It’s upon us again, that dreaded Christmas and it’s feliz navidad crap! Sales managers at Uchumi and Nakumatt have never been happier, they are going to hit their monthly sales targets by the 15thDecember, thanks to their over-advertising (cramming entrances with red balloons)!

You would be forgiven to think that these punks are the staunchest Christians ye ever met….i mean how happy can you be that Jesus is going to be born - - yet again? These buggers don’t want to hear jingle bells, all they care about is the ringing ka-ching sound coming out of their cash registers every time yet another Christmas tree has been yanked off it’s shelf!

Just like their cousins at Hallmark that make a killing during Valentine’s (and father’s day, mother’s day, first born girl’s day….), supermarkets have hijacked the Christmas tradition from the Vatican, who have spent the most of the past 6 or so years defending their foot soldiers from boy-child molestation cases (just let the guys marry!) and letting their prized asset go to the capitalists.

According to the Shoprites and Nakumatts of this world, Jesus Christ was born in a ballistic baby cot that came with an automatically fitted mosquito net that is discounted by 10% every time you purchase around 3 of them – so do that! He was surrounded by an array of balloons and party poppers that can easily be found on Isle 13, “party section”, purchase some preasee…sench u very many!

His visitors took him cards, “Congratulations on getting a first born boy” which can be picked from an array of designs found at “Stationary Section”, 2 lefts from the "vegetable section", so pick one godamit! And don’t you dare forget that he was showered with gifts that can be found at the back counters…erm, that is at the till where the cashier sits, and some of them look like chocolates and shit…do it!

Before you leave our store, no, this is not a shop you villager you, it’s a store bitch, but did you also know that on the 25th December, pilgrims, that’s you, engaged in a sport known as “shop till you drop?” Our assistants will gladly take you to our toy section where you shall buy whatever it is that the kids asked Santa to bring them this Christmas. Wrapping is free! Little bicycles that the kid will ride at age 2 and all the way to age 2 and a quarter are available, they come with a half-quarter year warranty, do this for Christmas, no, not Christ, but Christmas.

At the end of the shopping, you shall be availed with a “members only” card that entitles you to a discount every time you purchase from our store, that’s right, STORE! A 10% discount from all sections on the ground floor and 20% on the first floor. Easter purchases will guarantee you a 30% discount, yes, we love Jesus that much!

As for the profits, we shall just open another branch in the fast growing suburbs, we were thinking Ntinda or Namanve. The church shall take care of itself, they are not taxed anyways. We would however love to relay our great appreciation to them for boosting our sales at this time when we really need to expand and stuff, thank you church people!

And thank you dear client, for shopping with our store, that’s right, our STORE!!

That dream job!!

2010-12-10T13:02:00.002+03:00

Some jobs are just too cool, how the hell do people get them? Watching documentary channels brings out stuff I never knew existed, and wish I could be, to hell with this nonsense of waking up at 7 am and wearing company ID’s…the real stuff reads like this:

Provocateur;

A punk who pisses people off, just for the heck of it! A notable chap is Larry Flynt, an American bugger that used to publish pornography and make it hard corer when chaps complained. He has been sued about 40 times for indecent exposures by his magazines and even made a best selling movie “the people vs Larry Flynt” about these court escapades. That beats accounting or marketing on any given day!

Analyst;

These come in many forms, and their sole job is to appear on television and discuss nonsense they think they bloody know. “Sports analysts”, some of whom name their kids after European club stadia and their soccer hero bastards talk so much nonsensical shit you wish you could have their jobs. The buggers start “analyzing” how the first half went, as if we didn’t watch the damn match ourselves “I think the manager made a terrible mistake making that substitute, he was controlling the midfield area all by himself….” and yet if things had gone the other way round, the “soccer pundit” would have been like “that decision to substitute that player was a very tactical move by the manager, this is what places him apart from the rest…” Bitch, any lumpen can say that! “Political” analysts don’t even deserve to waste ink / typing stuff, it’s not really ink on the keyboard now is it?

Historian;

Just like their analyst brothers, these buggers are called in to give opinions on what has already happened. “Based on events of 1955, we are seeing a repeat of history…”, and so??

Weather men;

And women: These guys stand in front of maps and PowerPoint presentations and start playing God! “Fellaz, looky here, there’s goin to be rain and thunderstorms, but in a few selected places, can’t really be sure which, but trust, someone’s getting wet today. In other parts as u can see these moving clouds, temperatures shall rise to about 25 degrees Celcius, that’s Celcius, not Farenheit, so go figure!

Political / Power Brokers;

These are the guys that support the ruling government. Their job is to sit at strategic offices and wait for foreigners looking for permits, land or Presidential favors. They “connect” you to the big guy for a “fee” then lay back and buy us pints and praise the ruling government. This class of chaps is responsible for the Global Corruption index that favors African governments.

Philanthropists;

No, not Micheal “bullshit” Ezra and his antics. Issuing bouncing cheques to charitable causes does not count. To get this job, one must be a real dime person with real estate and spare change in authentic dollars. This dime is strictly not for display to journalists in a hidden hotel but for actually giving out to real causes like malaria eradication and TB prevention. Wish I could have this.

But in the meantime, away from the dream jobs, its back to the usual nonsense…………..yearly appraisal crap!!

Leak This!!

2010-12-08T12:36:00.001+03:00

Governments have surely ran out of creativity, their minds blinded by the next big deal….or election, they can’t think straight anymore. If anyone pisses ‘em off, charge the bastard with rape! Zuma faced the wrath of the Mbeki government when he was charged with rape, and so was Besigye a few years earlier, and so was Kobe Bryant, Mike Tyson and Tupac Shakur, wonder who those ones pissed off!

The latest victim is the “hard nut to crack” Julian Assange of the WikiLeaks fame. He is being charged with taking a forceful “WikiLeak” on some 2 chicks in Sweden in around August this year. One of the chicks, like Mike Tyson before, actually offered him her apartment so he could live there while he was attending a media conference in Sweden, so they were actually roomies. The reported “WikiRape” happened 3 days before Assange moved out, so what gives??

The other “WikiRape” was some chick that had almost 500 pictures of the man, as if he was a rock star. She attended the conference and sat at the front and made sure this guy saw her and took her out. So what about???

What we have failed to understand however is why this guy did not leak to us through his WikiLeaks site that he was going to be arrested for rape…oh, I get it, he only leaks shit that has happened.

His arrest however shall be met with mixed reactions….first, governments do not need to show all the stuff they do, some things are best left unsaid, it’s a rule that applies even to normal friendships, we talk behind our backs all the damn time, but as long as the other person doesn’t know, we live on, so why publish secret stuff? That’s irresponsibility, not media freedom.

However, some bullshit taxpayers feel they have to know every damn thing that goes on, and are applauding Wikileaks, albeit the dangers it may wreck upon countries. These guys need to slow down.

So what do the late night show hosts have to say about Mr Assange;

"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France and Julian Assange." - Conan O’Brien

"WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama’s administration has been marred by leaks….the BP oil leak, Wiki leaks….” – Anonymous

“Federal workers have had their pay frozen for 2 years. The worst part is that they found out on WikiLeaks!” – Jay Leno

Top 4 signs your neighbor is the WikiLeaks guy;

4 – Name on mailbox reads “WikiLeaks Guy!”

3 – He insists you speak directly into his necktie.

2 – On re-cycling day, he puts out cans, bottles and classified documents!

1 – When he gets drunk, he takes a “Wiki Leak on your porch!”

After all is said and done, its hard what to make out of this guy!

The 2010 partitioning of Africa!!

2010-12-08T12:24:00.003+03:00

When Warid brought in Dual Sims, it ushered into the world the theory of splitting into many parts in the area of technology. However, this theory has been happening right under our noses in the general sphere of life, starting with the 1884 Berlin partitioning of Africa agreement where Africa was sliced up like a Dominoes pizza and different pieces offered to the European children on their birthdays, except for Ethiopia and the Mighty Jah Ras Tafari who fought the Italian mafias back to Sicily.

Uganda had 38 districts in 1994, coz we used to name each of them while in school, and Rwanda was jokingly called Uganda’s 39th district during that time Uganda’s army helped them take over. A couple of dead rats eaten and other bizarre antics later, we now have almost 180.

Our brothers in the muslim fraternity not wanting to miss out on this new partitioning trend voted a new “rival” mufti so they could have 2 factions. Of late, even the one that had remained as the official Mufti got sacked and the Deputy asked to replace him – they are still waiting.

The Kingdom of Busoga, whose hereditorial stunts are as hard to understand as the jiggers that have invaded their kingdom, have about 3 Kings right now, all “legitimately” elected, since the King’s son does not automatically take over. Presidential candidates are having an extremely hard time figuring out which of the 3 Kings to bribe for their subjects’ vote!

In Ivory Coast, a former tremendously fantabulous country with a record of peace better than lousy Tanzania and its rude inhabitants, has finally accepted and turned into a normal African country with true African characteristics expected of Africans by the major media punks like BBC and CNN who are having a field day reporting from yet another failure on the dark continent!

The Ivorians have 2 sitting Presidents, 2 Prime Ministers and 2 full cabinets. Wonder whether they have 2 Revenue Authorities coz that’s where money comes from. Like their neighbors Nigeria, there is a Muslim North and a Christian South with a conglomerate of tribes within, however the religious animosity stands out. So like a true African democracy, the incumbent refused to lose, and he has the army to back him up, a lesson learned from Madagascar, the army rules! Let’s wait for yet another power sharing agreement with an executive Prime Minister (the chap that “won”)

An imminent split is also waiting to happen in Sudan, after their referendum in January 2011, and if Ghadaffi had his way, he would split Nigeria into 2 states. How does a guy advocating for 1 African government be the same chap telling Nigeria to split…beats the oblangatta!

In less interesting news, DP candidate Mao (who previously asked for the North to split from Ug) rolled over in his car several times while on the Mityana road after his driver hit a pot hole! The Ministry of Works in cahoots with traffic policemen immediately came in and took those measurements, questioned “potential witnesses” and sent the findings back to the labs for analysis after which they concluded that “the driver was over speeding….the pot hole had nothing whatsoever to do with anything” and so this guy shall be charged with breaking the speed limits, and the pot hole shall remain as a deterrent to future drivers along this route that want to break speed limits!

The rest of the candidates were as usual bashing the government and the government bashing back, nothing new really! (Let's hope we wont have an executive Prime Minister after all this)

The MTN marathon do's and don'ts!!

2010-12-02T13:42:00.002+03:00

So you are going for the MTN marathon, u corporate chap you!! Several warnings about what you should eat and what to avoid shall be sent to you by wanna-be physicists who have been watching a lot of Oprah, but do you really want to win this thing? Hells no!! People are in it for the fun of it!

As chaps that have cable (those ballistic anti-copyright bullshitters that show supersport with total disregard for that MNET sole license holder crap), we got to see the real reasons why you shouldn’t go for that marathon by some health advisors who definitely have nothing to do with bullshit Oprah and her fitness punks coz you definitely won’t win, and here’s some reasons why;

10 –Your number “467” is also your cholesterol.

9 – You once pulled a hamstring opening your mail.

8 - Crowd noise drowned out by your wheezing!

7 – Ofwono Opondo shoots you in the face with the starter’s pistol (you may be in a blue shirt bitch!)

6 – You’re so fat you are wearing the MTN headband / bandana on your wrist!

5 – Miss start of race because you are in the bank collecting a bounced cheque from Mike Ezra

4 – Miss race because you are catching grasshoppers in Bukoto.

3 – 2 kilometers and you fall into a giant pot hole!

2 – You get totally exhausted at the signpost of “first water point”

1 – You are still trying to finish last year’s marathon!!

That obviously leaves out winning as an option, and settles you for the blast bit of it. With the election fever on however, serious confusion is going to ensue as to whether this is one mammoth NRM bash or something, coz the ruling party has already painted the city yellow, what with all sorts of posters never even imagined by advertising gurus like Satchi and bullshit Satchi, like the trolley thingy at the Kiira Rd Police station roundabout, now who thought of that? Or the ads at the Kampala Golf Course? Or the Kololo grounds where the race will take off? There will just be no difference.

However, politicking aside, you shall have two options for the marathon, the 42 kilometer run or the 21 kilometer run for the jokers written about above. If you are not sure of which category to run in and yet you are constantly runnin’, these will help you know if you can join the 42 kilometer run and compete with the Inzikuru's;

10 – You spend more time in the drug section than the food section of the local market.

9 – You have more dirt on your shoes than in your garden.

8 – You get more phone calls at 5AM than at 5PM.

7 – You don’t recognize your friends with their clothes on.

6 – You have more buckles than belts.

5 – You postpone your wedding because it will interfere with training.

4 – You always have at least one black toenail.

3 – You can expound on the virtues of eating salt.

2 – You run marathons for morning exercises.

1 – Your name begins with Kip……..and ends with …(kip)choge…..(kip)riso….(kip)lagat….

Well, wish y’all the best in yo jogging, at least you are pretty damn sure of getting a certificate, that 10k is worth every step!

Memorable TV Quotes!!

2010-11-28T15:18:00.002+03:00

Gotta love movies on a stray Monday afternoon (u have to forget work for a while, who the hell loves work anyways?). Chaps that write this shit are just too imaginative u wish you would watch a movie the whole day (and not who killed Captain Alex…wololololololo).

Watching “Heat”, the 1995 crime movie, police on the hunt for the bad guys, one of the guys who has been trailed for the most part of the day gets on the phone to the other guy and goes;

“man u gotta watch yo back, the feds are so onto me like a cheap suit…” and it sure does remind you of some knock off CK jean that just couldn’t let go of your skin.

Although most old (30 year old buggers) pretend not to watch cartoons (not today’s, those suck) but am talkin’ bout the looney toons, some of these guys had one liners that just crack you up, like the chicken Foghorn Leghorn;

“This boy’s as confused as a feather in a whirlwind…”

“This boy’s as strong as an ox….and just about as smart”

“That girl’s like the road between Fortworth and Dallas…….no curves!!”

“Some days it don’t pay to get outta bed”

“What’s the matter with you, you look like 2 miles of bad road!!”

“Are you alright son, I keep hearing the most terrifying sounds in there!”

“You’ve gotta be a magician to keep a kid’s attention more than 2 minutes nowadays”

“That dog’s busier than a centipede at a toe-countin’ contest…”

“That boy’s just like a tattoo….gets under yo skin”

“That boy’s as timid as a rodent at a cat-show!”

The mafia movies though have memorable quotes for the bad-ass-ness they potray those chaps;

“I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse”

”You talkin’ to me”

“This isn’t personal kay, this is business!”

“I took the liberty of bullshittin you!”

“Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong and disposable!” (chick to a bunch of chaps)

“Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash!”

“That’s classified, if I tell you, I’ll have to kill you”

“Sucking all the bone marrow out of life doesn’t mean chocking on the bone”

“You seem somewhat familiar….have I threatened you before?”

That’s too damn serious for my liking, back to my favorite chaps, Sanford and Son (Redd Foxx) and Richard Pryor, and the favorite one liners, first Mr Foxx;

“The food here is so tasteless…u could eat a meal of it and belch, and it wouldn’t remind u of anything!”

“I am 65, my friends’ say I look 55, I feel 45, I’ll settle for 35, but u make me feel 25!”

“Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone!”

“A girl’s legs are her best friends, but the best of friends eventually have to part..”

“She’s got TB…..Terrific Body!”

“Let me tell you something. If you ain't outta here by the time I count to three I'm gonna take this crutch and wrap it around your head so many times you'd think you were wearing a wooden turban!”

“Employment officer: What’s yo education background?
Sanford: Well I was working towards my PhD but didn’t quite make it!
Employment Officer: Well how far did you get?
Sandford: About the 10th Grade!!”

Richard Pryor:

“I went to Zimbabwe…I know how white people feel in America now, relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren’t coming after me!”

“I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying till I get it right!”

“He was doin a sentence.....triple life! How do you do triple life? He has to die and come back and go to prison? F*****n kindergarten, get your little ass back to the penitentiary!”

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings…..and lawyers!”

“You don’t f**k with double muslims, coz they can't wait to get to Allah, and they always take 8-12 people with them!”

“Slaves built all the shit down here…..or carried the shit that built it!”

“I’m not addicted to coke, I just love the way it smells. I couldn’t stop, I put the pipe down, it jumped back right at me!”

And that’s just about it!

No title...(i fear those google ads that come with it)

2010-11-24T13:28:00.008+03:00

Yes “anonymous”, I have been “outside countries”, just here in Kigali, but since I parted with 360$ for a bullshit 40 minute ride, I can also pose that I was outside countries! We really are low developed countries. Those tea drinkers at the UN in their free time should add one more objective in the MDG’s, “buy a serious plane for your freakin national airline, u poor Africans”.

These Rwanda Air chaps have a plane that has propellers, some shit I saw in God’s must be crazy! Who still flies this shit! Before the damn thing can kick start the engine, some chap starts rotating the propeller blades till they catch momentum then the engine kicks off. And the in-flight entertainment is an instruction manual of “where to find the floaters in case shit goes down!”

And why do plane chaps scare the wits out of passengers before take off?

“Sir, u are seated at the emergency window, are u sure u can handle the requirements…..well good, now we shall be flying over water so in case we crash we shall land in the water, first look outside to make sure there are no obstacles then lift this door as instructions show, after that, you are required to stand on the wing and help ALL other passengers off the plane, but first, get your emergency floater from beneath the seat!”

“Who the hell you think I am?? The damn pilot!!! I thought he gets everyone off!!”

Of course after this scare, all we need is a beer to help us forget, but no, not this eagle air look-alike! Juice and water, if u don’t want, jump out the emergency window bitch!!

So much for all that dime!

Anywho, back to the ballisticness of Kla, and the theatrics contune!

A mayoral candidate of some obscure part of town you don’t give a rat’s dirty behind about got “kidnapped”. He must be cursing his gods (yep, the small buggers that drove him to pull this one off) for the media treated the whole farce like a true one-man circus, using apostrophes for serious words like “kidnapped” and “missing”. We got tired of this kidnap bullshit when a movie “director” got “kidnapped” 2 days before the release of his lousy flick, only to turn up “tied by ropes” at a railway crossing, knowing too damn well the last train that worked here was in 1951, too convenient if u asked. His movie went on to flop and his name disappeared like a government commission of inquiry report! And hopefully so will this candidate....who mysteriously "appeared at a police station covered in blood, because one of his captors "punched" him".

In other sides, advertisers have continued to collude with telecom “giants” to rip us off by continuously lying to us only to be awaken from our broke slumber a tad bit late. The buggers at MTN have been advertising 1/= per second, u would think you have finally arrived to the promised land of super savings on airtime and super diverting that dime to the sexual network (I know u would).

Airtime bought and sim card procured, u proceed to make that 59 second call before you are rudely interrupted and cut off like a half-complete building falling in the city center! These bastards then tell u “oh, u didn’t know?? Ok it’s 1/= per second alright, but only for the first 4 seconds. The rest is back to the normal programming of the usual 450 bucks a minute, starting from the 5th second……soriiiii!!!”

MTN, keeping u connected….or is it disconnected!!

3rd time name changers (as if divorced and re-married chicks) Zain have taken the sexual network of partners to a level last seen since King Mswati married his 13th chick, just last month! After a bitter divorce with that hoodlum Celtel who ripped us off in 1995 with huge brick phones of 2 million bucks and calls at 3 thou a minute, they brought in Wyclef Jean to perform at their wedding ceremony with Zain. After not even 3 years, they decided that Zain was impotent, and the bastard wasn’t circumcised, so they married Airtel and pronounced him yesterday and their new name change! Get off the sexual network, u buggers!

Well I wouldn’t mind these chaps, the real chaps to be shot are the guys doing these day’s ads. These things are more nauseating than a Celine Dion hit song! The chaps that do the Warid thing with a nagging campuser (or so we assume) always asking where her chap has reached;

“honey, where are you???”

“am in a traffic jam…”

“eh eh…nga I cant hear the traffic man, tell him to blow his whistle…”

“Officer………”

Bullshit chick, after telling the guy to blow the whistle, she then calls and asks the incompetent bugger to hoot to confirm he is on his way, then that? Who would want to give his chick his Warid number if this is the shit she will be doing? Guys, style up. UTL not wanting to be outdone in the “worst ad ever” bandwagon, unlash a nursery rhyme that can make u wish their licence was cancelled, and it goes;

“One croc-dyylo beat a telephone….”

Anyway, some crap like that, it’s so embarrassing even to type out the whole thing, but what the heck, who cares right?

In more interesting news though, the campaigns are going unexpectedly smoothly this time round. Journalists from CNN and the BBC are super pissed they have no usual African violence shit to report. No guys pangaring themselves or destroying plantations, well, that’s at least for now (Indians are already scuttling to the safety of the kibera slums), hope the status quo remains and these journalists go back where they belong.

As for the promises, true to political comedy…the railway will be fixed, just like that, federal governance for all, pay rise for every living thing in Ug, loans to students, scrapping pay as you earn for those below 400,000 (that’s MANY of us), inquiries into the 1935 massacres of blacks by the colonialists, and oh, the 1986 ones too (u all know who this is, he of the disbanding the electoral commission, fuck free education and good health, only the commission matters now)….if only promises would come true, elections should be everyday.

All work and no pray.......(ignore that ad up there)

2010-11-14T14:55:00.003+03:00

In case you thought priests were the only chaps that worked on Sundays (yet their boss rested on this day), u sure were wrong. A larger number of us are beginning to work on Sundays so don’t be super shocked when yo boss asks you for that precious Sunday to come in and polish up on that presentation to the board. In fact, u expect others to work, so why not you….and here are the “others” that work on Sunday;

Rolex sellers;

Coporatal chaps these days drink till morning (my advise to them is to go jump of a roof if they are looking for a faster way to kill themselves). They usually drive off at 6am and head straight to that rolex guy for that much needed fix, before they go home, sleep and return to the bar on a Sunday evening on that bullshit of “man we pushed till morna, it was 7 in the cocks when I walked out..….man we were super baalaaazzzedddd!!” These factors have created jobs on Sunday mornings for Sula’s competitors. And trust these guy’s street smarts, there is now a rolex with katogo in it, wa’gwan!!

Fake pastors;

These chaps are super busy on Sunday sowing seeds of empty after-life promises to unsuspecting members of the congregation who would not have lost their dimes if they had drunk ‘til 7 in the cocks’, and would only have spent 3k bucks on a katogo rolex other than the car log book and land title they have promised “Evangelist Apostle X” for that last spot in heaven (and a visa to the US while at it, and oh, a passport too before u 4get sir pastor)!

Service Industry employees;

From Cineplex to all shopping malls, Sunday is no rest day, that Sabbath shit of “respect the resting day” ended on that exam paper of CRE, of PLE. Nga u can see bu smart chicks climbing taxis at 7am and u think we are such a religious society, until the taxi passes the road going up to Christ the King Church and stops at Nandos where the bu chicks step off and head to Dominoes or Mateos and organize the aprons for work. Bosses who refuse to work on Sunday then stroll in and start yelling at the poor bu chicks “Customer is king”, fuck off u lazy boss, at least she woke up to work, cut her some slack, this ain’t yo office bitch, u are no king here!

Street Vendors;

For some reason, people be bored to death on Sundays, there is nothing to do at home. TV stations show live proceedings of church services / masses (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are) while radio stations play gospel music (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are). The only alternative is to buy newspapers or movies (for a standard 1 thou). These vendors be walking around with baggage on their hands you would think they were created to be forklifts, then Jah changed his mind, he said “fuck it, let it be a human”. Their arms be bursting with veins that look like chain saws as they carry around that mass heap of merchandise, even garbage trucks do less mugging work than these guys.

Telcom Engineers / Switch attendants;

These guys usually pint at Silk but do not tell you they have work on Sunday, anti they are posers like that, what with the branded pickups and blackberrys! They climb poles during the day and make reports on Sunday while checking if our networks are clear, but do not observe the day of the Sabbath, they probably think it’s a Jacuzzi bath tub kinda thingy, after theorizing it with their pie charts and exponential formulae…so they go to office instead to check the blinking thingies on the mast computer controls.

So we basically have these people to thank, along with smelly housegirls and lice infested gate keepers and the insanely broke private security askaris for keeping our Sundays alive. The rest who do no shit on Sunday, it’s time to pick a leaf, and these are;

Bloody Government employees – just driving around our cars to pick charcoal and shit.

Corporatal punks – Just because they said 8 to 5 Mon to Fri doesn’t mean you can’t work out of hours.

The buggers at Aristoc – Why the hell do they close on Sundays, as if we don’t want to read then!

Iguana bar – These punks don’t know that the best pint is on a Sunday, what’s with the closing?

Motorcyle freaks – Oba are they working when they ride to Entebbe beaches with bu chicks clinging on..

God – But u guy God, why don’t u solve the world’s problems when all the above are sleeping?

Well, as for me, the tables wont wait themselves, let me go see what this corporate punk wants!

Time for Defections!!

2010-11-09T15:25:00.002+03:00

News streamin’ in from my fav institution, the church, has it that “5 Bishops Defect to Catholic Church”. Confused as I usually be, I thought this was a typo error, thinking they had mistaken “Church” for “NRM”, coz chaps be defecting on a daily (if you blindly believe The New Vision).

To know that the typo errors were too many, consider these;

Last week, 3 UPC chaps “defected” to the movement. 2 were retired and 1 was active. The UPC said “they were of no consequence so they can BURST!!”.

In the church, 2 of the defecting chaps were retired, 3 were active, and the gay Bishop of Canterbury was like “well, 2 were retired, of no consequence, and as for the rest of those 3 little buggers, well they were so low in ranks that we can only sit by and wish them well….”

Any difference…..let’s see more coincidence;

The UPC is an opposition party, and so is the Anglican Church. These Anglican guys used to be known as “Protestants” till they heard that even the NRA had changed it’s name to a more popular UPDF, and “Reform Agenda” became “FDC” then “IPC”, so who the heck are they to maintain an unpopular militaristic name, coz it did quite sound like “Protestors”.

“Protestants” were mainly protesting the fact that their leaders were not allowed to legally chow their members of the congregation to senseless levels that they were forced to marry them. All they wanted was to marry! So they defected! And took the same Bible with them while at it!

Now, some of them are returning, just like the UPC fellaz! It comes at a backdrop of the Pope’s recent visit to Britain. No wonder they call him the “Holy See”, guy’s got vision godamit. We don’t know who his “Amama Mbabazi” is that paid these guys to defect, or whether they will be named Ministers in the Pope’s next Vatican cabinet re-shuffle.

In more disturbing news from the land of faith, little-known but wanting to be very known Pastor Sempa was at it again….showing gay porn in his church! What’s with this lumpen…and where the hell does he get gay porn??!! Even the hardest erotic movie dealers can never have this shit…..coz they don’t have it (and probably never want to)! We should investigate whether the Pastor acts in these movies himself! Chaps just beg him one thing;

“Sir Pastor, we have come here to get redeemed, please help us get “Born Again”!

All he hears is “We want to watch that gay Porn Again!!!”

And he does;

The shit we do for publicity!

While you were away...

2010-10-30T15:00:00.002+03:00

Big Brother (that show with no sense of direction) eventually ended our misery in front of the tv’s fighting for the remotes with chicks (although Saborati has quickly intervened to keep chicks on the telly) is looking to be more entertaining on the outside of the house than the damn show itself was!

The eventual loser, a one Munya, who actually thought he could win (according to bullshit chicks that keep yappin’ this shit) was handed a 300,000 dollar prize by none other than his President Mugabe, the senile Prez! Apparently Mugabe said that Nigeria has way more viewers of MNET that the vote had to be rigged to give them the dimes (an assertion Morgan Changaa has welcomed, saying it actually happened to him a few years back).

The ka loser then immediately praised Mugabe as a young force to reckon with and pledged his behind to him in the coming errection……no, elections! “At 86, this ka guy has a ki ballistic vision (and hefty cheques too) and I shall be waiting for his call to hit the campaign trail, that’s if he hasn’t died by then”

In Kampala here here, the campaigns are also going on, however the punk that represented Uganda at the Big Brother thingy (what’s his name…errrrr, u don’t remember? Me neither) hasn’t even been consulted, coz we got better shit to do! Music producers however have been consulted to help Sevo arrange the beats for his ballistic chart topper (oba which charts?) Do want another rap??...

In his song, he is heard asking for a cane, probably to do a “kiboko squad” on these masquerading “presidential hopefuls”. That guy Kizza Besigye is not playing around, he has unlash campaign posters written on “Dr Kizza Besigye: President Of Uganda”……whatever that means!

But as the police were busy herding these presidential chaps and their flock in proper directions, the few they left behind in the field were tracking local gangsta turned movie star Mike Ezra, the man with 9 lives and 9 different arrest warrants. His Kaunda suit was grabbed, but this time it was in form of military fatigues. At this rate, Ugandan security chaps will hire carpenters to build a wardrobe for “fugitive’s clothes grabbed in near-escapes, featuring Joseph and Mike’s lingerie”.

And just like Kony’s guitar was arrested, Ezra had his rental agreement with the landlord of his Kololo house arrested and terminated. Now the ka chap has no house, although he keeps calling radio stations to assure them he has eluded the police…yet again. He is now turning out to be like one of those radio callers that keep calling Radio 1’s “Spectrum” with their views….like we give a shit!!

If it’s dime that you want, then threaten yo bosses and they will relent, like that Shrek look-alike soccer punk, Rooney. This chap paid prostitutes for a chow like they were Uhuru’s pilao, addictive shit. He then turned into a whore himself and asked for more dimes from the guys who were paying him, and threatened to move on to a client that was willing to pay way more dimes, for the same blow jobs!

They allowed!

Luckily for the Chilean miners, they were out of the underground before their 15 minutes of fame were over taken by this little greedy prostitutin' lumpen. The last miner reached the surface and almost went back, saying he had forgotten the lights on……and he hadn’t flushed the latrine! The rescuers were pissed that none of these buggers brought them even a ka piece of gold. The miner however who got the most out of this was not the chap that came out first, or last, but it was some guy whose wife was waiting for him….and 3 bu side chows. He has since been named “the Tiger Woods of mining!”

Ah what the heck, we are headed for campaign time, expect a ka dose of tear gas, and probably the closure of just 2 or 3 radio stations, wonder who Ezra will be calling now!!

To cheat on a powerful African Political Lumpen!!

2010-10-25T12:47:00.001+03:00

News streamin’ in from the South is quite interesting, let’s only hope it’s not the usual British propaganda, but this time am sure it ain’t!

Robert Mugabe (that colossal archeological 85 year old fixture) has been devastated….not by his sister’s death (who was still young at 75), not by the latest grim economic figures recently released and definitely not by the fact that Morgan Changaa’ is going to break away from the unity govt when it’s “mandate” expires, but because his wife Grace, a high flying ki brown brown who is 44 years old (way far from menopause, unlike her fossil husband) has been cheatin’ on him (surprise surprise) with his best friend and personal banker, a one Gideon Gono.

Mugabe (that archeological character that should be buried in Old Vai Gorge with Zinjathropas’ remains since they were born together) was told of this affair by his sister who was on her death bed, heck, she had nothing to lose!

He quickly summoned his personal bodyguard whom he had assigned the duty of keeping this chick within his sights, and the news he gave Mugabe was more devastating than the losses he made in the rigged parliamentary elections of 2003!

The guard said he knew the shit was going on for like 2 years or so, but he feared to tell the big (and very old) boss Robert! He was summarily poisoned and buried without a post mortem, they said it was a severe case of Bugisu jiggers, poor fella!

The ballistic Grace, who shops her stuff from China and Bangkok after she was locked out of the Great UK and major shops in Paris and New York, hooked up with the real deal, a 50 year old Reserve Bank chief with a 47 bedroom house in a country with an estimated total of just 4,700 bedrooms! The rest are iron sheet structures held together by stones on the roofs. That way, the bodyguard had no idea which bedroom the screams were emanating from.

But re-ya-lly, am on Grace’s side on this one. This lumpen Mugabe had her as his ballistic secretary (u gotta have one as a powerful chap) in the mid-90’s. He landed for this chick harder than the kiboko squad’s ripples after that cane, and started an affair with her (she was already married, she is an affair kinda chick, she rolls like that) and kumbe all this time Mugabe’s popular wife Sally was battling kidney cancer.

As soon as Sally died in 1996 (his wish granted) he married the flamboyant-cheating-sassy lass Grace, to the chagrin of his comrades, who thought this was some kamanyiiro of the highest degree. His bu boys had swam well and they had sired 2 lousy bundles of pampers from this affair.

This chick has meanwhile had 2 other affairs since marrying the colossal failure Mugabe, one of the chaps died in a weird car accident (they said it run out of fuel – then killed him in anger) and the other got driven outta town like Okwir Rwaboni in 2002, never to return. The current chap is fearing for his life (and sexual organs he couldn’t control while at it) and is on the low low.

And just recently 1 month ago, the Justice Minister (married) of Swaziland ku-manyiraad the man of the moment King Mswati the virgin conqueror by having an affair with his 12th wife (out of a very miserly 13) a former ki ballistic Miss Teen who at 22 wanted more chows than the lumpen King was offering!

The Minister, a “childhood friend” (as if Kategaya) of the King, was put under surveillance after intelligence sources saw him on numerous occasions eyeing the ka young queen in suggestive ways (virgin eyes he had). She has since been put under house arrest pending trial.

The weirdest shit about all this is the sentences these two are likely to receive, kinda reminds ya of the MGM classic Ben Hur type movies...

If found guilty, the ka ballistic 22 year old will be banished from Swaziland, probably to the land of far far away, while the Justice Minister will be guillotined and his head fed to a bunch of hungry warthogs in the forests!! He will probably be taken there with a couple of chaps he brought to justice earlier, as the freakin Justice Minister.

So what do we learn from all this!

Money is bullshit! Ok, not totally, it helps lure the broad! But after that……..the chick needs way more than that dime shit!

So from now on, my goal is to be a close confidnt to a rich old tard with a taste for the sassy lasses that prowl our town, easy quick meal!! Shit, problem is I could get executed…or poisoned….or car crashed!!

The things we do for chicks!

When the aliens invade......

2010-10-17T13:10:00.004+03:00

Isn’t it nice to be in a Low Developing Country? We think normal! Our biggest worries are hitting the bloody MDG’s, which of course we won’t, coz we shall be busy spending that money on our “leaders”, fuck poor people!

The United Nations, a conglomerate of beaurocratic idiots with no clear intentions, set 2 goals to the 2 different classes of people that inhabit earth.

To the poor people, the ever nagging MDG’s, which are like an ACCA exam we are bound to fail, but still enroll for class anyway. To the rich people, they came up with some organization, whose acronyms you don’t care to know coz it’s worthless anyway, to deal with “Outer Space”.

A Malaysian chick has been named to head this nonsensical venture, her top responsibility being “meeting the aliens when they show up and be like ”take me to your leader””. She will be the leader.

Who thinks up this shit?? Ban Ki Moon?? No wonder the fella is named “moon”, outer space material I tell ya.

So what’s the scenario.

A ki space ship lands (and obviously not in Africa, y’all seen the movies) and some soldiers are called in to surround the damn thing. The lead alien (who we assume is way brighter than we be) steps out of the space ship and mumbles some shit! For some strange reason, the sub-titles will show and the army guy will immediately know that this chap wants to see the leader…..for what? Who knows? Ask Moon! (in case it lands in Africa, the army guys will ask for a bribe to "connect" the alien / investor to State House)

Anywho, the army guy calls the UN and tells the chick “Bitch, finally some work you can actually do…..so much for all the salary you have been getting for no work done….your bitchy royal days are over, talk to this alien”

“Hi..is it Sir or Madam, this is the Leader of Earth, wanna come over for a cup of tea and a chat?, IT’S ALL WE DO AT THE UN”

You just have to wonder what else this “alien” will want apart from tea. Maybe take some people as slaves to work on their farms, and if this is the case, the Malaysian chick has been instructed by the “Security Council” to direct these aliens to “Darfur”. They were like “Fuck it, they are killing themselves anyway, offer them some real jobs out there”. The team has also been briefed that……

In case the aliens want chaps who never really grow old, they’ll throw in Mugabe and Kenneth Kaunda!

In case they want a Shaspearean guy who is all talk and no action – throw in Obama.

In case they need mercenaries’ who strictly fight for dimes (to hell with a cause) - the US military.

In case they need perpetually perennial losers – Besigye, Raila, all Kagame’s opponents, Arsenal….

In case they need conspiracy theorists to fool an entire planet – The Vatican and other religious heads.

In case they need suicide bombers who have given up hope on life – The FDC and IPC chaps.

In case they need socializing animals who blast all week – Face bookers.

In case they need very good liars – Politicians.

In case they need nagging annoying bullshit chicks – Viewers of Saborati, Eduardo, side mirror!!

In case they need crap - Send this blog (and KCC)!!

Patent this!!

2010-10-17T13:09:00.000+03:00

Copyright, trademark, patent…….these are words that we have come to learn to live with as capitalism and the un-ending search of dimes dictates our lives today. Chaps want money so bad, they will do anything to have it for themselves.

Some bastards at a large pharmaceutical company have patented the rights to some malaria drugs, meaning NO ONE else is allowed to make ‘em. We silly Africans just send chaps to the UN to eat sausages instead of yelling out this shit! We are therefore buying drugs at super expensive prices yet we could make them here, but no, we do not have the “rights” to that invention.

The recent miners that were evacuated from the Chile underground world after 68 or so days brought this human greed to the fore! Among the chaps sent to prep them for their return to “earth” were psychologists meant to help them cope back into this weird life we live in. The MOST important thing they told the miners was that “do not narrate your ordeals to journalists, just hug yo family members and head straight to a waiting ambulance and disappear till further notice”.

Yep, you may also be wondering why you haven’t seen these chilling tales anywhere, and this is why…

The psychologists want the miners to make as much dime as possible (and give them a 30% commission on proceeds while at it) from the book and movie deals they (the miners) are going to scoop in the very near future, therefore telling their stories now will only be spoiling their “box office” weekend sales for this highly anticipated drama. You can imagine chaps almost died, but we humans don’t give a shit, we look for the money side of it. These underground clowns have been “patented”.

Just here here in Nairobi, the chaps at Safaricom, the largest mobile phone network have dragged their competitors Zain to court over “using their words”. Kumbe even words can be owned! Apparently, Safaricom’s slogan is “the better option” and Zain, whose creative marketing thinkers had their brains trapped underground for over 68 days and had no clue what to do, came up with their slogan, “the best option”, to the ire of Safaricom bosses who hate the un-innovative types. They went to court to prove this. But really, can you own words?

Geniuses in the Chinese manufacturing industry don’t waste bullshit time trying to please humans, they will steal words with impunity like they were an incumbent African government in an election! They will release a radio called “Pansoanic”, a flat iron named “Philibbs” and a laptop called “Delk”, now if that’s not innovation…..patent that!

Closer home, The New Vision newspaper stooped a bit low with their “new design” which was a complete imitation of “The mighty Pepper”, as they call themselves, and it seems they have been vindicated as mighty indeed. New Vision did an EXACT replica of it’s front page headline design by inserting a red word within the headline in bold which is exactly what the Pepper has been doing for like 5 years, looks like a case of “Philibbs” that needs a court intervention! (capitalism rules!!)

Ah what the heck, we are supposed to search for that dime anyway, patent or not!

No title....I couldn't think of one!!

2010-10-14T12:53:00.005+03:00

Bad times these are….1 post in October!! Let me check my bank balance to confirm that I have been “busy minting real dimes”, unlike bullshit Ezra, the man with more arrest warrants than his bank balance….yep, 50,000 is in! Time well used.

So what’s the deal….iyo, in this shanty dusty area of ours lately…

Dr Besigye’s sister, also a doctor, has decided that bullshit medicine has no dimes after all! Kumbe all this time she thought Besigye was a fool to abandon his ka clinic “The Surgery” among other professional businesses to join politics! “That’s where the dimes are bitch”, it seems he told her while she was touring his palatial residence off Gayaza Road. “Sis, this bathroom you see here, forget mike Mukula’s shit of a CD player, mine has a USB thingy where u just plug in the flash with a number, then the water will become the temperature of that number….hmmm, I should holla at the African Woman photographers!”

The chick abandoned her thesis, “Study on the real concoction that can kill mosquitoes and other parasites and eradicate child diseases” and quickly opted to write a book bashing the “fundamental change” guy, “mbu he fought to stop election rigging..”. As we would have it, we are now 1 doctor less, and this one was not even because of brain drain….oh wait, maybe her brain has been drained.

The brother (of the ballistic house) was in the Supreme court, but not because of the book. He was petitioning them to ask the bu guys at the high court to give him a break from this treason bullshit so he can campaign and move to a bigger house in Ebbs! They allowed.

The Gava chaps are however insisting that unless this guy stops wanting to move into that Ebbs house, they still have “evidence” to “pin” him, words that have become so cliché we are sick! Let the guy be godamit! (I could get arrested for this shit – cyber crime they call it)

In the Ministry of potholes, 50 kilometers of the Kabale - Kisoro “highway” was handed over to the government yesterday. There is still no idea as to where they had taken this road but yesterday it showed up, so they (the guys handing over) did the damn handing thingy.

The bastards at KCC have opened a war on residents and businesses. Our houses are being showered with warning letters from their agents “Bageine & Co” ati they are demanding property rates. These silly lumpens whose Head is putting it’s behind on Museveni have had their bank accounts frozen like sperm at Dr Ssali’s fertility clinic because the Mayor put his behind on the Town Clerk and she protested, so they could no longer see eye to eye. (behind to behind perhaps)

Since the town clerk signs off on all different cheques to be stolen by these officials, the Mayor asked court to block the bank accounts.The stranded lumpens at the Town Clerk’s office then embarked on a “drive” to raise dimes, and instead of calling Ezra for a few fake ones, they decided to raid homes and businesses collecting Local Service Tax and Property Rates. Any complaints about where the money was going since we are surrounded by pot holes were met with a copy of “Uganda’s Local Government Tax Laws handbook – not written by Besigye’s sister edition!!”

In the region of Busoga (yep, the chaps that have 2 Kings), a well-organised terrorist group infiltrated the area in swarms not known before to human kind. These bastards put al-shabaab to shame in their methodology and evasiveness even to the highly trained PGB and CDC forces from the Ministry of Health. The Al-Jiggers have been setting camp on people’s toes and fingers and wrecking mayhem on these broke chaps who can’t afford “safety pins” and Blue Star bar soap!

Their RDC (the most useless political appointees) was over-heard asking for a by-law to make personal hygiene compulsory. “Mr Speaker Sir, we ask you to make it a criminal act for people in Busoga if they don’t shower for 2 straight days…” the guy seemed to say.

Al-Shabbab members have been sent to study the methodologies of these body part terrorists since metal detectors are killing their business!

Well, that’s just about it from the ballistic land…..

now, back to increase on that 50k in the bank!

Campaign season is at hand!!

2010-10-04T14:16:00.002+03:00

Campaign season is on, and everyone is tryin to get a piece of the action! If it’s not those forgery masters at Nkurumah road printing funny looking calendars with dates of 1995 or weird posters with funny slogans like “for development and peace” yet the ka idiot is standing for LC 2 councillor (what army? what peace?), it is advertisers; “as some of you know me, I am campaign for the post of chancellor….manya councilor, to change singsz…..senk u senk u, I will give u free air, from Zain”

Women, never cease to amaze! Yep, they too have demands coz its campaign season. They apparently have a “Women’s Forum” in Munyonyo in a coupla days, and as a pre cursor, hope that word is right, they make some noise to attract some attention to this gathering thingy! Their ring leader was over heard and also quoted in a newspaper saying “we want co-habiting legalized” Damn woman, that’s some heavy stuff!

Before the devil could say “Amen”, she cont-uned…continued! “Only married people are allowed to recover singz from their husbands when they divorce, or even when they die, what about the 80% of us who live with the ka man and he goes, we don’t get anysing!!! Wolololololooo zis is pure ssuggery of the highest order. Now that it is voting time, we shall only vote parties that advocate this agenda!”

Shit, now punks have to posture to these demands too! So all these bu campus chicks that be co-habiting in the Bugos flats, mbu now they want to take the flat screen after the shit has inevitably ended (which by a weird contrast is also 80% of the time!). The chick wants to take my slippers!! Maybe we should remove the 1.5 points they get to go to campus so they don’t start thinking too hard (chauvinist!! I know!!! Forgiveness preasse!!)

Anywho, the youth (also read unemployed ganja smokers and facebook addicts) are also clamouring a ministerial post from the next government! What a bunch! And their spokesman is a 38 year old lumpen that should be well into his 5th corporate job in a telecom company or bank (super sales executive, vending "packages")! Does this chap know who he represents? Real youth are now different, if you are to campaign to them, here is the stuff to do!

10. Refer to yoself as the Chillaxer-in-Chief

9. Limit speeches to 140 characters or less

8. Broadcast all addresses in 3D

7. Replace Geraldine Bitamazire with a hunky, brooding “twilight” vampire

6. Update yo facebook status every 3 minutes

5. Answer tough questions with "Whatevs"

4. Greet people with “’Sup y’all…..ya cool??”

3. Refer to yo abdominal muscles as "The Cabinet"

2. Check into rehab (Butabika will do), go to prison, check back into rehab, go back to prison, check back into rehab

1. Drink Sprite (oh, and eats loads of rolex...rolaz)!!

If only the campaigns were this cool, no one would be shifting “till the dust has settled”

‘Peace out y’all!!

Rigging Extra-ordinairre!

2010-09-27T13:05:00.002+03:00

They say oil is a curse, am beginning to believe so. It brought the word “rig” to Ug, like a socially transmitted disease!

Chaps from Heritage Oil started “rigging” oil wells some time back, before scampering like rioters being showered by tear gas at the Kiseka market, but only after Tullow agreed to part with major dimes to let them continue the “rigging”.Before we knew it, the word was transmitted (not sexually) to the NRM primaries, and has stuck to every vote being done in this country like a cheap suit from that tailor at the verandah of Musana Plaza!

Some guys were winners on one day, declared losers the next and then as if winners the next, we were as confused as the Uganda Police wondering whether 5 or more people need a permit to gather around or not. However, we decided to start looking for a vaccine for this dangerous disease when it creeped into social circles that need a vote from a panel of Judges, the Miss Uganda contest!

This farce that took place over the weekend was typical of an NRM primary, chaps still have no idea who the heck the winner is! So here is what happened! Sylvia Awori, the former organizer threw in the towel for organizing this contest, probably after realizing it had no real effect on her fashion business, just like how the US abandoned Somalia in 1992, “there was no oil bitch!!”

She handed this stuff to some chick named “Church”, so one would imagine a contest of angelic proportions, but not in this Church (pun definitely intended). This Church first organized this contest last year, in which the Miss Uganda UK was flown in to give her acceptance speech, what’s that shit of strutting yo stuff yet the organizer knows you are the shit! We forgave her!

This weekend, the Church chick organized yet another debacle, and she called it “Miss Uganda”, again. She organized “boot camp” where these chicks were trained on how to be ballistic, how to impress the judges and many other funny funny things only Red Pepper is aware of. The organizers even got Judges who would rate these chicks and pronounce a winner.

They did!!

So as the judges sat back, chilling and sipping pints and congratulating themselves on a job well done, they eagerly sat back to see their results come to fruition! It was never to be! Like the Kenyan elections of 2007, the wrong winner was announced, the Electral Commision of the Miss Uganda contest then quickly called in the winners to “State House” and assembled a panel of journalists to cover the event “Live on NTV” before any lumpens could come up with any objections, she was announced and that was that!

The furious Judges then demanded answers “why have we been wasting time here? Okay we enjoyed the red wine and bounty-full samosas but this is bullshit!! The wrong Raila won!! There were stuffed ballot papers, we were only 3 judges but the results are from about 7 people”

The Admission!

The Church chick then allowed, “It’s true the votes were from more people than the electorate…sori, the Judges. You see, we take these chicks to boot camp, and we start rigging the election from there, we know who will win, so we just call in judges to make this comedy look a little more authentic, shya, even NRM does it!! Everybody is doing it!!”

Man, at this rate, we might just begin to believe the conspiracy theories that these “Harriers from Pepsi” have already been paid for by the “eventual winners”, mbu they just use a “teacher from Moroto”, pay the ka lumpen 20k, then give the log book to the real owner!! Ever seen a Kampala chap, corporate chap win this shit?? Don’t they drink the most? Rigging bastards!!

Uganda becomes a Boarding school!!

2010-09-21T11:08:00.000+03:00

This couldn’t wait, its an emergency. Either am drunk or am seeing things funnily, “am seeing in tongues!!”

Today’s headline, in the New Vision, “Security to clear parties, weddings” is not supposed to be a big deal, but read the paper, and u are in for a ki deadly shock. Under the new bullshit so called guidelines, issued yesterday, wedding receptions will only go ahead after clearance from the Police. Not bad, you may think, then here this;

“any gathering of more than 5 people in the city and its suburbs must get a clearance from the IGP”, this guy is goin to be the busiest chap EVER!

“We are sounding a warning. No gathering of more than 5 people, even if it is in your compound, shall be held without the clearance from the IGP. We want to ensure the safety of our 32 million people. If business owners can’t afford security gadgets, they should hire bouncers” What gives?? Is hiring free or what!“

This does not stop at weddings, but also applies to wedding meetings, funerals and vigils. Places like funerals attract many people so we need to ensure their safety”What crap!!

So now am in my compound, trying to drink that deadly evening pint, my 3 neighbours have shown up and 3 OB’s have brought pints! Shit, we are now 6, what can we do?

“Does any of you guys have the IGP’s number, we cant meet now, we are 6!!”

“Let one of us go drink at the garage, ok 2 of us so they don’t be lonely, that way, when the police show up, we shall be 4 and 2, no offence”

How about bars, there are usually crowds of more than 5. Now Cayenne has to get “multiple clearances” from the IGP, seeing as they host about 5,000 characters in a night!If this aint bullshit, then there’s no other name for it. Luckily, we have been thru this crap before and this too, shall pass, like the bullshit order to close bars at 10pm!Silly Police, like they don’t have any useful shit to do anymore!

Am really feeling bad for the time we have to go for a vigil, chaps, don’t die, I don’t have the IGP’s direct line, or we shall just dispose of you like the mafia, coz I ain’t getting arrested for nobody!! (that’s my excuse)

Beef with a plan-less "tycoon"

2010-09-17T13:33:00.002+03:00

So what’s goin’gz on in this state? Funny shit I tell ya’

There’s a new clown in town! After the pre-mature death of theater factory and the rise of the "same-joke superstar" Pablo (who laughs at his own “jokes”), we finally have a clown we can always miss that important beer to go see……Mike Ezra, the show stopper (or is it starter)

This genius will play with your mind like he was a research scientist at a NASA lab, if he doesn’t leave you in stitches to nurse those broken ribs resulting from the very had laughs, he will leave you in a state of awe, asking him to come give a donation to your NGO or you begging him to lend him some money hoping you will get an interest in the very short term.

I subscribe to the former, the laughing kind!

This genius clown borrows money from one person, then spends it like he had a direct phone call to Jesus and the guy assured him that the world was ending the next day. He will hire a helicopter to go watch a national soccer game, complete with a ring of bodyguards that rival his competitor in the money show business, Col Gaddafi him-u-selef! He will then pay, hard borrowed cash, bonuses to each team player for the win before flying his broke self to the Sheraton.

This carefully-scripted show confuses the Sheraton management into submitting to the broke lumpen’s demands to get an entire Presidential suite on credit;

“Bub, I think he is good for it, he moves in a chopper and shit, let’s just give him the rooms”

“Yes Sir”

After getting a free room, he calls in the press to show them how he is living the life of royalty and issues a blank cheque to these greedy pests who in turn shower him with phony names like “young mysterious tycoon”.

These little shows of sycophancy on the part of the uncouth press give him leverage with more banks, lenders, real tycoons and some international exposure that portray him as credit worthy, a guy whose dimes is stuck in a bid for a large English club, Leeds United (as reported by the reporter hyenas) so he can borrow and will pay back with major interest.

However, the truth is always lurking behind everyone like a hungry dog waiting for you to drop that chicken bone! It strikes like lightning and exposes like a prostitute on Speke Road!

Credits mounted this chap like a young bull elephant on heat, and screwed him like a young bull elephant on heat! He was cornered like a house rat and his only remedy was to run head first onto it’s attackers, no time to think, lay strategy and see a way out, coz he had no other way out, being the plan less rat that he is.

He ran straight to his creditors through his former ass lickers, the press, showing off wads of suspected fake dollars, coz he carefully left behind the chemicals and type writers he had used to print all these rims of paper!

Which idiot pushes off creditors by showing them money……GIVE them the dimes BITCH!!

It’s like your dog barking hard coz its hungry, then the best you do is come out the window, show it a bag of freshly roasted sausages, then telling it not to complain, “coz there’s food, bitch!”

So as we await the next part of this tragi-comedy, coz it sure may not end well, I hope the chaps from barbed wire could start a series around this clown! Or maybe there’s a larger story behind it…..only time will tell!!

Cool Colonialism!!

2010-09-12T13:00:00.000+03:00

The world is round – definitely true, the church people can smother themselves on this one, they were wrong to reject those “scientific facts”.

I don’t even have to go Galileo on this one, coz hairstyles do come back, huge shades and bags made a comeback, and yep, colonialism too, it’s back big time, but I don’t think you know this!

Well, it’s not like there are white uniformed chaps out there whipping blacks to submission, but this colonialism has hit us through our tv screens! We are being intoxicated (and am sure as hell not complaining) by tv shows, we have even started speaking like a true colonial character in the modern times, so if you ever catch yourself saying some things, just know that Kwame Nkurumah and Patrice Lumumba will bitch slap you when you eventually meet, coz this is the shit that people here in Ug have resorted to;

When asking for directions:

“Erm, drive about 2 miles after the Ntinda trading center, you will find a bunch of cabs after a Shell gas station, take a left and drive about 3 or 4 blocks down that lane then u’ll see my apartments, holla at yo bwoy when u get there!!”

In real African stuff, this is how we used to say….before the movies!

“kati now, u will drive up to Ntinda, then u will continue driving doooooowwwwwn until u find a stage for special hires at a big mango tree, branch left from there then u will pass about 3 or 4 houses and then u will find as if a ka flat with a green gate….that’s my gwa!”

These days however, here is how we do it…after a couple of series and movies:

When u go to Mulago:

“Man, ad like to see House……or Dr Cox!”

When a police man “pulls you over”

“Officer, I was only doing 80 miles an hour, you popo’s make us sick!!”

When at a petrol station:

“How much does your gas station sell a gallon?”

When sending the housemaid for slippers from the kafunda shop:

“Go down to the store and get me some rubber push-ins!”

When ordering takeaway at Chillies:

“Do you cats have fries?”

When going to the village:

“Man am going to the country to see my old folks!”

When going to the salon / barber shop:

“off to the hair dressers”

When before an England soccer game, you can sing their entire anthem, and can't pass the line of "Oh Uganda......." in ours.

When your ringtone is the Liverpool anthem.

When you say "you are playing at home at Stanford Bridge"

That’s just the few av encountered, we’ll pray to God the whites don’t actually physically come back, although all indicators point to the fact that we may want them back, if our lingo is anything to go by.

Corporate farewells!!

2010-09-07T18:43:00.003+03:00

Do You ever be in office (yeah, that corporate stuff) and some little bored nut from HR shows up with some form you have to fill up coz “some employee is leaving”, so he / she needs some stuff written on about them, possibly nice stuff……here’s what you actually be thinking about (I have actually been busy…some bullshit, I know, so I decided to copy and paste this shit from some place I can’t really remember so it looks like I have a new blog post, read on)

Get Well soon leave / Sick leave

Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.

If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.Let me know about the desk.

You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.

Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!

Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!

Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!

Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!

You are actually leaving!!Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!

Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.

Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!

Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.

The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.

Maternity leave

Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.Congratulations!

What colour is it?

Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.

Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.

Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.

Salesman of the year award

I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.

OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!Seriously, let me know.

God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!

I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.

Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?XXXJohn

(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)

Do you pay yo taxes?? Well i try....atleast!!

2010-08-28T14:04:00.001+03:00

I've just been registering for a TIN, e-tax style. U see, as a professional lounger with a licence to chill, sometimes we need to make a dime, I mean the utility bills wont magically stop looking for me like a search warrant from a Grade 2 magistrate’s court!

Hence the need to be “tax compliant” in order to hammer a couple of deals here and there.

The process is quite interesting, you use the computer to get your details to URA, that way at least you can lie to a computer without it noticing the body language and investigating further.

Did I say lying, sori, I meant “clarifying”.

The first step is to tell the damn thing yo name, the Sir name and the other one, first name, that one from the white people in the bible thingy.

Then , she asks you for the amount of money you earn, yearly income. Its at this point that a pop up window appears saying “SERIOUSLY!!!! FOR REAL!!!!JUST THAT??!!” and you be like “Fuck off, it’s for true god damn it!”.

She then proceeds to gather information pertaining to your expenses, and after typing in this stuff, she asks, “will you please remove amounts relating to alcohol and tobacco, these cannot be reduced from taxes liable…….” Then I be asking, if a car takes fuel and it is an expense, in the same vein, the body takes fuel / alcohol to keep in shape”, “bullshit” she replies, “take it off”.

She then asks me if I had any other sources of income. I inquired if sending emails purpoting to be Sani Abacha’s son asking if I can send money through your account as a source of income…she refused to reply, “idiot alert” the pop up said!

It is at this point that I scattered to the FAQ’s page to figure out what to deduct and avoid giving my dimes to the hyenas at KCC’s road maintenance division, and here they are:

If cockroaches ate your socks, you are allowed a claim of not more that 60% of the amount the socks were worth, within the financial year of income being declared.

You may not deduct condoms and birth control pills, for you are depriving us of future sources of income, you selfish abortionist bitch!!

You may deduct wages for the shamba boy, gate chap and that broke chick that mops the house and irons the clothes, God knows how they need that ka dime.

If your household property, particularly chairs and wardrobe furniture was destroyed by a pride of rodents probably from the neighbor’s house because yo broke self has no food (hence the feast on the wood), you are liable to pay this amount, coz you are an irresponsible punk that failed to buy rat poison, this is a punishment (and a present to the government)

In case your expenses are more than your income, make sure your name is Bebe Cool or Micheal Ezra, coz we sure aren’t taking your shit! URA giveth, URA taketh away!

And that’s how I became “tax compliant”.

Funny exam answers!! (from the net)

2010-08-28T13:59:00.002+03:00

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Makerere University's Usual Shenanigans!!

2010-08-24T12:47:00.000+03:00

Once again, news is coming in from the dead university…Makerere uni. Yep, they are on strike again. You will be forgiven if caught wondering “but I haven’t heard of any tear gas there”, but that’s because this time round, it’s the lecturers having a go at it, they were sick of the students having all the strikes to themselves!

This time, they are asking for some dimes which they were depositing to NIC and they haven’t received a coin yet the contract mbu ended in 2k5. Talks between the Uni chaps and the goats from the Ministry of Finance failed to resolve this shit. After more than 7 hours of nail-biting negotiations (yep, chaps were just biting their nails, bored like an askari at an ATM machine), there seemed to be no end in sight, just like how we students saw no end in sight in our horrendous search for that elusive transcript and gave up!

Freshers / new blood who had just finished their orientation week, begged the chaps of Nile Breweris to extend the orientation period of free base pinting and chow experimenting for as long as the lecturers kept up their resolve not to teach.

They jammed!

The following people are therefore urged to make use of the situation at campus for their own ends;

Perverts: Yes, sexual predators and child molesters, the Serengeti plains of Makerere University are teeming with lots of prey for your perverted gratification. Bored chicks looking for a quick meal of “sips and sicken” are roaming the Masaai Maraa areas of Wandegs knowing they have no lectures to attend in the morning and have no food in the kitchen since the cooks are on strike too! This is your paradise, fools!

Recently-promoted-corporatal-buggers: They are never complete without a “ka-side-dish”, forget those bullshit adverts that hit us last year, chaps jammed to listen! You see, boy graduates, boy gets job, boy gets out of mommy’s house to rent his own, boy therefore becomes man, man meets chick, man confuses chick, man disturbs us for wedding meetings, man marries, man returns to school and gets masters, man gets promoted, man gets car allowance……he is still not complete until…..well, u guessed it, MAN FINDS OTHER RIB!! This one has to be a ka campuser who is simply mesmerized by that company logo on that company pick up and that company blackberry! This is the time, the bu chicks are just there grazing on boredom!

FDC / IPC strategists: These political clown fish will not sleep until there is a riot, and what better way than to incite a bunch of bored lumpens who have no dimes to take out the chicks they are roaming about with? FDC chaps love to see violence, tear gas and burning cars, these are their guys!

Members of Parliament: These guys somehow have the worst results in terms of education performance. While the Makerere chaps are still on strike, they should go bribe them and get their transcripts altered while they still have a chance. (and probably add to their list of concubines while at it)

Who else…..le me chiiiiiiiii…..hmm, no one really!

The interview panel!!

2010-08-18T12:54:00.000+03:00

The scene is an air conditioned office……but the bloody air con ain’t working, so we, yes we, the panel, are sweating like goats being led to a slaughter house. You, the audience, are busy wondering what the panel is for, but wonder no more, coz we are interviewers! The subject going to walk in thru that door has been haharing reading all sorts of crap, sijui “don’t show up too late for the interview”, “carry a copy of yo Cv just in case”, “be smart, but not too smart”……while we, the panel, were downing pints like Owen falls dam downs water!

As we are chilling, we are handed some papers to “guide us” with the process, and I feel sorry for this ka job seeker, nga he is going to haha! So, here is how it went, never mind the chap wanted to be a pump attendant, this “guideline” was to be strictly adhered to, so here goes;

1 – Little punk, tell us about yourself;

Well, am Darius, am from Kanungu, Rushengye village Runahaka parish (ah heck, that’s what I rememba, they probably aren’t like that) . I obtained a certificate in Uganda Certificate of Education and a driving permit. I am a quick thinker and take keen in learning.

2 – Alright bugger, what is your greatest strength?

You mean like carrying things?

No punk, where do you work best?

Haaaaa, I don’t think I understand that one.

3 – Fine, slow chap, What are your 3 most important career accomplishments?

As a driver, I used to overtake all the cars on the road. Then also, I used to get my boss there on time….but that’s all.

4 – Ok, why would you like to work for us?

Anyway I lost the other driver job. The boss took the car and got accident, so now I have no work so that's why I want to work for you…..

5 – What is your opinion about our organization?

They told me that you have some jobs.

6 – What personal non-job related goals have you set for yourself?

Ok I want to be rich, like Jim Muhwwezi of Kanungu, but you see I have to start slowly.

7 – Is there anything you like to tell us about yourself that we may have overlooked?

Anti you know I don’t steal. I cannot cheat customers, that one you didn’t know.

8 – Do you have any question about the position?

Can I work only at night?

9 – What are the things that motivate you most?

If the salary is good!

10 – Finally, little punk, how do you feel about your career progress so far?

Ok I can drive, so so far its so good. But if you give me this job, I will be happy.

Well, am still considering the lump, at least he’s honest!

The Weed Smoker's Movement!!

2010-08-13T13:01:00.001+03:00

We can’t run away from it, yep, we “aethists” too. There is a spiritual side to life, coz there’s this stuff we just don’t understand, and aren’t supposed to, its called faith.

Trailblazers of the early age took it upon themselves to create “religion”, a state of mind where we believe in whatever we are told. Christians, muslims, Jesuits, Hindus, name it, all came up with their own thinking, although these are loosely based on a savior chap that showed up from the heavens. The hardest “faith” however has to be “rastafari”!

Most people however have misunderstood the entire concept, and are out to ruin it, most especially idiots like Bobi Swine and his motley crew of jejune hangers on! These immature bastards think smoking weed and wearing dreadlocks makes them “rastas”, they need a shot of “reality” slithered into their drunken veins. So here is the real “rasta” faith!

First off, its not called “rastafarism”, coz it’s not a religion, but a way of life, a movement (not Ofwono Opondo’s crap though), an ideology! The term Rastafari is taken from Ras Tafari, the title of Haile Selassie 1, whom the proponets of this movement thought was the son of God (Jah) re-incarnated. See they prophesied that a son of the big one would show up on our wretched premises in the original birthplace of mankind referred to as Zion, also known as Africa.

Ras is Ahmaric (Ethiopian language) for Head or King. Haile Selasie was named “Tafari”, which is Ahmaric for a King’s name, as if Pope John Paul or Pope Benedict, a pre-regnal given name to Ethiopian Kings. This chap was crowned at the exact same time the Rasta’s believed a King was returning to earth, hence Rastafarians, the chaps that believe in Ras Tafari.

The Rastafaris do not believe in the morally corrupt western ways of doing shit, a term referred to as “Babylon”, ways of the world. Ok, they smoke a few leaves here and there but that’s only because nature gave us these. In a few words of Katt Williams, weed is good shit! It’s just a plant, it comes out of the earth on its own. However, aspirin is a concoction of deadly chemicals. U swallow 20 of them, and that will sure be yo last headache! Pop Idol winner Fantasia tried this shit last week and is now apologizing to her fans “al be a better person, no more suicide attempts”.

But with weed, u just get happy, hungry and sleepy! Why it’s illegal and asprin isn’t…….

Rastas also believe that Jah, in the form of the Holy Spirit, lives in us humans., and it is for this reason that they refer to themselves as “I and I”, actually “I” is used instead of “we” and is used to identify the equality amongst all people.

Generally rastas assert that their own bodies are true temples of the holy spirit so theres no need to build churches and stuff. However, why they douse their temples with grass fumes still beats the oblongata.

Patois, a Jamaican form of speak, is misused as rastafari language. There is no rastafari language, just that the chaps that invented it (Rastafarians) happen to live in Jamaica, whose “English” is known as patois, and some of their words are;

“a go” going to: e.g me a go tell him!

“bashment”: a party, dance session

“battybwoy”: a gay chap

“bumbaclut”: The heaviest curse word.

“big tings a gwan”: good shit is goin on.

“cease and sekkle”: Stop everya’ting and relax.

“evryating crisp”: All’s well.

“wa’ gwan star”: What’s happening my friend.

“mi a fi”: I am goin to.

“horn”: to cheat on yo loved one.

“hornin”: Commit adultery.

“hot stepper”: fugitive from jail.

“i-rey”: excellent, cool.

“pun”: with

So next time you hear those pretenders from “fire in the base crew” posing on you mbu they are rastas, just know that they are saying some bullshit like:

“wag wan star, mi a fi go hornin pun Martha evryating crisp butty bway…” Just know he aint making sense.

One love….and big ups from jah!

The extremes of personal hygiene!!

2010-08-11T14:49:00.002+03:00

I was watching an old Kevin Spacey movie, K-PAX, where he claimed he had fallen in from another planet. He was immediately hauled off to a “Psychiatric facility”. He asked “you think am mad?”, and Doc was like “no no no, we don’t use that word anymore, we say “ill”. Talk about political correctness! A woman isn’t fat, she is big-boned! But that’s for another day.

In this “illness facility”, there was a guy that felt that “everyone stinks”, so he just couldn’t live in the outside world. This got me thinking, it’s very easy to get this disease, coz here’s the list of the stinkest persons that live around us!

Taxi conductors: These goons emit a stench that would put a conglomerate of rotten eggs and sulphuric acid to shame! The saddest bit of all this is that u have to get into physical contact with these skunks as they slide over that door and let you squeeze your way under their rotting arm pits to your dusty seat. The first whiff of air you breathe in that has been in contact with the surrounding areas of the arm pit is strong enough to knock your lungs into an asthmatic attack, never mind you had never gotten asthma before.

House girls: Looks like these wenches from the village spend entire hours plotting how to kidnap the boss’s kids, and forget to hit the showers. These very useful persons reek of a stench that beats that from a sewer truck that is emptying the sewage tank in the backyard! When they mop the corridor, the area stays smelly of arm pit for almost 25 minutes, u be calling that chick that is coming home begging her to wait abit, so she doesn’t think you smell like a security guard that has just returned from night duty!

Bar Waitresses: Like their cousins the house girls, these chicks seem to work all night and drop dead on their beds as soon as they reach their cribs, then they wake up at exactly 4.30 pm, splash water on their faces and hit the streets coz reporting time for work is 4.45pm. These chicks serve you pints and leave a trail of that smell of a familiar emission of fermented arm pit sweat! Only a cold pint can treat this disease.

Pump attendants: With all the money they make after cheating customers, one would expect these thieves to at least be decent in public, but no. On top of being smelly, they also add a twist to the stench, a deadly combo of sweat, fuel and used engine oil! Luckily, their girlfriends are waitresses, so no one complains!

On the contrary, there are persons that are too clean! Pastor Sematimba is the best example. This guy even calls the chaps at Johnson’s Powder and gives their R & D teams tips on what their next best seller should be;

“chi kati chi kati, this is Se Se Se ma-timba on the mic….sorry, on the phone. Is this Johnson’s powder company….man y’all dudes need to sort me out. Is there a powder that I can use while am showering? What y’all cats need to do, is come up with this powder that is also soap, u see, am addicted to cleanliness, I should be diagnosed “ill” y’all”

I don’t know if its nice, but guys that use strong perfumes piss me the hell off, and most of them are…..corporates. They be going for training in Dubai and buy a shelf of perfumes and give some of us sinutic characters sleepless days….and nights when we are at bars. A simple deodorant will do!

End of today’s sermon on “world cleanliness day”.

The goings on.............

2010-08-10T14:44:00.000+03:00

Life, she can be unfair. Apparently the Bududa chaps, yep, them of the landslide, and this was no election landslide, but some hard core earth movements (not NRM either) that destroyed all their shit, are in a rather weird situation. They are selling relief items organized for them “in order to make ends meet”. Once you read this, you would assume that chaps have been sending them high heeled shoes and petty-coats, those funny under wears for chicks in the 70’s, so it would be perfectly understandable to sell these and get…say, food!

But no, not these guys. They are selling food……wait for it….wait for it……to buy firewood!!! What gives? Now u have the firewood, what the hell are you going to cook? It’s like selling yo car to buy fuel! Edisa Natseli,46, a mother of 6 “explained” that she sells a kilo of maize flour at 400 bucks while a bowl of beans goes for 600 bucks which can fetch her 6 pieces of firewood! Well, that’s life for ya!

In more interesting pages, Naomi Campbell, that chick that hits her housemaids with million dollar cell phones has been in the spotlight for accepting what every chick would die for – diamonds!

A quick recap! The year was 1997, a certain war lord named Charles Taylor that had been in an endless war settled for an election convened to end all this reckless flight of bullets. In his campaigns, he didn’t mince words, never bought bullshit soap for broke villagers and never even thought about rigging…no no, this guy just walked around in his campaign bus telling chaps “ya’ll punks don’t tick my name on that ballot paper, am getting my rag tag army and heading back to wherever the hell I have been and continue mayhem as usual”. Liberians feared, and voted for him.

He was immediately summoned by the God Human him-u-selef, Nelson Mandela to “come share a pint with some hot chicks, as congs for this election landslide”. He fell in, no one says no to God….sori, Mandela.

Mr Madiba took these guys to open a new railway system, replacing that old hack that looked like Uganda’s current subway, and after that, they went for a lavish dinner at his home just to show how African politicians do it. The invited chicks include phone thrower Naomi Campbell and an actress Mia Farrow, whose movies I have no idea about. At the dinner, Charles Taylor was smitten by Naomi Campbell, he probably wished she would throw her phone – number to him, but she jammed!

He immediately made a call to General Suicide of the Sierra Leone rebels in charge of minerals, assuring him to send whatever diamonds he had just mined to SA ASAP!! Of course he would be issued a carton of anti-tank landmines and an assortment of Rambo guns in return.
As soon as Western Union had delivered these “dirty looking stones”, Mr Taylor summoned his PGB boys and asked them to deliver these precious ones to that precious chick upstairs. They obeyed!

They woke this cat-walking bitch up in the middle of the night and delivered the “gift”. She was over joyed and run to Ms Farrow’s room and exclaimed “looky here bitches…….Charles Taylor has given me diamonds, now suck on that!!”

However, this Campbell person has denied all this shit. She says she got the stones alright, but never to know who had sent them. Ms Farrow, who is still probably “sucking on it”, insists she said “they were from Taylor”, but the question is, who really gives a hoot? Just jail the punk up for selling arms for diamonds and get it over with. Or maybe they should summon all his girlfriends too to explain the source of their bling bling.

So this cancels buying of diamonds as gifts to super ballistic chicks, look at the shit it can put u in! (that’s my lame excuse)

Post No. 200!!

2010-08-09T12:40:00.002+03:00

This is the 200th post, no wonder I have lost my writing mojo! I first checked under the kitchen sink, wapi, just some young roaches lounging on “a day at the beach”. Then I checked under the cushions of the couch, only to find some lose 50 bucks coins! What about???!!

I started spewing out nonsense in around Aug ’08, so this makes it 100 a year. If one had a “word checker” and scanned through this blog, he would be hit with such profanities he / she may beg to sign out before the timer at the café has even closed.

Words like “bullshit, punk, lumpen, pumpkin and Budo fellas” make my day. I am the guy Satan warned you about in Revelations, the prophet of doom and the rebel without a cause, the guy nature sent to piss everyone off!

Now that we are done with the introductions, let’s randomly type some shit so the blog dashboard can finally show “200 posts”

I've been thinking, what the hell (there go more curse words) do musicians want from us? We be there chilling for a song and the bastards (again!!! Woo hoo) are asking us questions? How are we supposed to answer these chaps? Pur example….

Culture club: Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?

Yes bitch, I want to grind you with an axe and steal yo girlfriend (make u cry like a little sissy piglet!). Unfortunately my song with the reply couldn’t get to culture club so this is the farthest I can take this reply. Howsomever, this song may not have been written so we can reply to it, but rather, for the lousy chicks at Kibubura Girls High school to use it to send as “deds” to their farmer boy friends across at Kinyasano Boys Day and Boarding, somthn’ of the sorts:

Dear Kapere,

As the pen dangles perpendicular to the writing pad lying here on my desk, I am only thinking about your smile. You are the executive prime minister of my heart, and I love you more than cabbages! So why is it that you did not mic mac me a reply after I clearly asked you to read, relax, rewind and reply my last letter that was zoomed to your humble abode? I feel broken in the heart like Maama Proscovia’s cooking pot!! Prease prease, don’t let me down.

Deds: Do you really want to hurt me?? Do you really want to make me cry – by hen sink!

Song Question numero deaux: Why don’t we fall in love? – Amerie.

Ok!!

Song question 3: Why does it hurt so bad? – Whitney and Cece.

Well whitney, I talked to “Gad” yesterday, he said that the punk Adam went and ate some shit he wasn’t ‘pposed to, so we were sent down here to haha! Shit will be tight, if u are a celeb and u fuck up, be sure to catch it on “have you hahad”, in the New Vision.

Song question 4: Who let the dogs out? – The bahima men….no no, the Baha Men.

Well, I have no clue. The dogs are out? How many? Shouldn’t we call some KCC environmental chaps to check out this thing? Ah what the heck, al figure out who let these dogs out in a bit!

Well there are several ways to answer these songs, just like there are several ways to skin a rat. The ultimate question however is, why on earth would anyone be skinning a rat? We have enuff districts already!

With this aimless, pointless and useless compilation of words, I declare post number 200 done!

That’s all folks!

Back to school....!!

2010-08-05T13:59:00.001+03:00

The scene is Machakos Primary School, it’s the mid-eighties and Mrs Mburugu is drilling into our tiny nuts these stories, they are known as nursery rhymes, but not quite rhymy after all, if you think about it! Why the hell did she first wait for us to leave nursery to teach us this stuff anyway?

First there was this little punk Jack and his horny girlfriend Jill. Apparently they went up a hill to fetch water and came tumbling down like Jamwa’s career! Who fetches water up a hill??? Most water, at least on earth, flows down the hills, at the valley. So unless Jack and Jill were busy doing bad manners and lost footing……or something to that effect, there is no other explanation.

Then there was this short character Humpty Dumpty who sat on the 1 billion shilling campus wall, then he had a great fall, prompting the Finance Director of the University to declare, like a normal Ugandan, that he will not resign, just because a wall came tumbling down. And what the hell was Humpty doing up there anyway?

Cinderella: These are the stories that make u want to bitch slap the chaps in charge of the syllabus! So this chick was just there chilling, unhappy as usual and talking to her cat, then a fairy showed up and asked her to bring a pumpkin and 7 mice which she splashed with her magic wand and voila, a horse carriage to take the damsel to the local prom. What crap! There are no fairies. You work. You get paid. You save. You buy a freakin’ carriage! Then u get to live happily ever after.

Rapunzel: This bitch was locked up in a tower with no windows, doors or stairs to the top floor. Wonder how they built it! They should lock up these IPC chicks that be demonstrating all the freakin time in these towers, and pray their hair never grows……unlike Rapunzel. Her tormentor, the witch, would ask her to throw down her long hair, which she would grip like an RDC on Government funds, then climb up the wall. Apparently some prince pulled a fast one and got himself up there, then as usual……they lived happily ever after! Someone should look for these guys just to be sure the ever after was that ballistic!

Snow white and the seven short bastards. In this story, a beautiful chick is awakened from a deep sleep by the kiss of an enchanted prince. All these stories had a suffering chick and a so called ballistic prince. In our days, we are woken up by alarm clocks and noisy neighbours.
The three little pigs: A big bad wolf moves around blowing down pig’s structures. We now call these rioters!

And finally, that jam from the sound of music, remixed for all ye alcoholics anonymous; This remix was done in the ol’ skool days of Y?N-Vee when we used to call money “dough”, here goes;

Dough, with which, I buy my beer

Ray, the guy I buy it from

Me, the guy, I buy it for

Far, the distance to the bar

So, I think al have that beer

La, the punk that steals that beer

Tea, no thanks another beer

That will bring us back to dough…dough….dough…dough!

Now that’s what the kids should be learning!

Agony Aunt!!

2010-08-03T16:09:00.002+03:00

This is today’s agony Aunt letter as stolen from some email forward;

Dear Miriam,

The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual.
I hadn’t gone a hundred meters down the road when my engine conked out screeched to a halt, so i walked back home.

I walked back home to get my husbands help. When I got home, I found him in the bedroom. I couldn’t believe my eyes, he was parading in front of the mirror dressed in my underwear and high heeled shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband 34 and we have been married 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie because he couldn’t find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he has been wearing them for 6 months. I told him it had to stop or I would leave him.

He was made redundant from his home and says it has made him depressed so he finds solace in trying to be me. Ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distanced and I don’t feel I can go through this anymore. Please, can you help?

Martha.

Miriam says……..Martha, a car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee line holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet fold. If none of these helps, it could be that the fuel pump is faulty causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor chamber. Hope that helped.

Now if that’s not Agony Aunt, then I don’t know what people want!

A Birth Story!!

2010-08-03T09:49:00.000+03:00

It was all scenes of hysteria and massive joy as the parents….that’s 2 peoples, were all in a state of frenzy at the maternity ward to welcome their new bundle of pampers, baby wipes and johnson’s baby powder combined.

The slimy little bugger was welcomed to the gloved palms of Dr Johnson who had spent almost 15 minutes urging the all sweaty mom to push harder, as it seems the Gollum-lookalike inside her was intent on staying in the tummy, stretching her stretch marks to air balloon-like proportions.

Little Tommy, as he would be called from hence forth, weighed in at slightly less that a lonely pack of Lugazi sugar seated at a shelf at Metro cash and carry, awaiting to be finished by the sugar ants, coz at 1 kilo, this kid wasn’t shit!

On finally emerging from the under belly of mommy, little Tommy was crying incessantly to the chagrin of Dr Dr J, who was forced to smack Tommy’s 2 thumbs…or rather, his minute excuse for an ass!

Within seconds, his rope, which was uncomfortably hanging from his navel on to the insides of mommy, had to be cut off like the GAVI funds after Jim Muh-wealthy had failed to account. It was at this moment that mommy regained consciousness and started wailing to see little Tommy, before one of the nurses could pull off a fast one and switch the kid for a doll…..or something like that!

The greasy and overly slimy little bugger was first washed up like a raw fruit from Shoprite, toweled up like a freshly fried rolex and brought to mama to acquaint himself with the person that’s going to send him to church every Sunday and lick his boogers every morning!

Introductions set, Dr J heads over to accounting to report yet another successful birth, and sign against his “success” commission, before the overly excited parents are hit with an overly expensive bill which they are overly willing to pay!

And with those few words, little Tommy was now a human!

The Ballistic Torture Chambers!!

2010-07-31T12:16:00.002+03:00

“Ouch!!!!” I scram, as my tooth burnt like a spike in a muchomo stove! I knew I hadn’t been to a dentist in like…..well, ever! The thought of dragging my ass voluntarily to a torture chamber with no motivation whatsoever never crossed my mind, but now, here was the motivation.

I immediately set off for the Kisimenti area, I knew I had seen many Dental signposts along this road while strolling to Iguana and Just Kicking. I always wondered how these guys pay rent, I mean, who gets teeth problems right?...Wrong!!

As I wondered around the area, I passed all the torture chambers until I saw it, just there inviting me to walk in, “Dentals: Traditional and Herbal healing”, I knew I was in luck. All I wanted was some Chinese leaves that the dentist would tell me to munch on for about 3 times a day for a week and my issues would be blown away like a freakin suicide bomber!

I immediately turn in, only to be welcomed by this Chinese / Korean receptionist “herro, werr-come to dental crinic, how may I herrp?!!”

“Well, I gots this tooth buggin me, can u check it out and tell me how the herbs are going to work?”

“No no no, u make mistake, mister. Herbal medicine for massage onrry…….. tooth ploblem, u see doctor, in here!”

Now am led to the torture chamber where the Doctor beez chillin. “Morning Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

“Just check me out”

Then the worst, the dental chair! “Have a sit” he says as he adjusts the huge light bulb above.

“God, if you are really there, sori for the shit I did, just don’t over do it”, my mind kept saying.

“Open mouse!” screamed the assistant! I did!

“Oh my goodness, this is bad, very bad, u need to get this shit worked on IMMEDIATELY!!!” And I thought Dentists never did marketing! “60,000 for the regular clean and…….. oh 2 teeth is completely gone, 80,000 for filling…….each!!” “Oh wait a minute, there’s 2 more dead ones, u need to fix all this”

“But I have no pain anywhere else”

“Sir, if you know what’s good for you, you will take the procedure”

“Ah what the heck, let me first go get money for at least 1 fill up, then the rest will come if they ever hurt…..or as I get the dimes”

Off I went to the nearest bank, I don’t take their adverts lightly. “Mornin miss loan officer, I would like to sign up for a “dental” loan, shit if you can have a “wedding” loan, you must have “foot massage” loans too, what da ya say?”

“Sir, u are looking for either a co-operative society or a microfinance,this is a bank, sorry, u are in the wrong place”

So I went to borrow dimes anyway, from some rich guys who don’t mind that interest crap, coz this dentist had scared me senseless! Finally, dimes borrowed, back to the torture chamber to have the dentist make a volcanic mountain erupt in my mouth and the molten lava burn the crap outta my brains.

“Open mouse!!!” Assistant immediately ordered!

This is when I knew why carpenters borrow tools from dentists. I saw a damn toolbox with nails and shit! However, to my relief, the guy unlash some sophisticated machinery and proceeded to do the damn thing! Shockingly, there was virtually no pain, as this guy kept finding his way around, and the usual “open mouse wide!!” interruptions!

“We’re done here, however, you need to pass by every month for regular checks!”

Shit, yet another monthly bill!!

Well, al give it to the chaps, they do have ballistic machinery, I sure won’t call it a torture chamber next time round! And I can now eat hard corns again! Out!!

Nation of Whiners

2010-07-29T14:21:00.003+03:00

Whiners: A bunch of cowards who bitch about anything and everything and never have anything good to say. aka. those who need to f*ck off!

I don’t fall in this category (although Budo fellas and corporate chaps would beg to differ), I know I was sent to piss the world off, a rebel without a cause, so that ain’t whining.

Well, that’s my excuse…….

However, I would like to welcome you to this “corporate talk”, my name is Professor Sanders, Esquire, MBA and some other letters of the alphabet put together after you spell my name. I came up with this ingenious seminar way to make money…..no no no, please ignore that, I did come up with this ingenious way to help my sales and marketing brothers n sisters trying to break out into that market, but do not know how to deal with clients/whiners…...and these spreading fast to all industries, like a Socially Transmitted Disease (still STD). Unfortunately, washing your hands won’t stop this plague, and we have not found a vaccine or a condom for it, so let’s try these measures.

Hey, you sleepy fella in the corner, get up, what am going to say is important, senchu.

Anywho, there are 4 ways to deal with these kind of torturous evil maniacs, and this is really goin’ to help if you are a receptionist or a call center attendant, always having to deal with one whiny complaint after another;

1 – Ignore it. (But just pray the whiner doesn’t play golf with yo company CEO). Pass it by like chewed Orbit. Whining needs attention to stay alive, ignoring the bastard equates to smothering the idea of a problem, let him/her look for someone else to dump their problems on. You be in a call center working for a utility company, and the guy is calling asking to speak to a woman’s voice……or else! Now you wonder what the hell that has to do with having no electricity in your area!

2 – Listen and guide. Usually you will want this jerk off out of your hair, or is it ear, as soon as he begins yapping that “problem” stuff. However as an employee, you shall be bribed at the end of every month with some little dimes to listen to the whiners, salary they call it, they will even give you “bonus” dimes for a call well received. Direct this whiner’s problem to something else, coz his wife may have pissed him off and he needs to offload his shit on you. So if he beez complaining of how high airtime costs are, remind him of how high fuel is, heck, even prostitutes recently passed a decree through the “underground prostitutes and whore’s movement” announcing a 10% hike in all activities! (for some weird reason, I know this)

3 – Dramatise events. Exaggerate the state of the problems, e.g

Caller: Hullo, is this (company name removed just in case some bored lawyer wants jobo)

Respondent: Yes it is, my name is Rita how may may I help?

Caller: You thieving bastards!!!! I have just loaded airtime and now it’s over, am going to move to another company, you think we are stupid, we know you monopolies……….

Respondent: By the way, even me the other day my airtime just burst like that…..kati, what do you think we should do to this company?

Caller: Huh, ok, let me call you back!

4 – Say stupid stuff.

Caller: You stupid guys, I give you all my money and you treat me like this???!!!!

Respondent: Erm, do you serve chips with that?

Now that you have seen the various ways to deal with these pests, I do sincerely hope you shall be named employee of the month when those “employee evaluation” reports on “customer care” return!

Goodluck employees!

And on a whining note, whatever the hell happened to my favorite peoples, Ms D, Ashy and Zsamm.......in a chick's words.....SOME CHUCKING!!!

The white man's view of Africa!!

2010-07-27T12:26:00.000+03:00

There is a tv channel called Nat Geo adventure, with chaps just moving up and down the globe. This channel has some chap that visits the “wildest” of em’ all, and he had a show where white chaps called him inquiring about visits to Africa. Here is the transcript;

Question: I am thinking of going on a mission trip to Kenya, but my mother is against it, because she was watching the National Geographic channel the other day and found out that there are lions there. Is that true and how do I protect myself? -- Mike, New York.

Answer: Yes, there are lions in Kenya and most of them, as your mother may have told you, are big and hungry. Now you know why Kenyans are such good runners. You can protect yourself by wearing a good pair of running shoes and always carrying a spear. It's also wise to travel with a companion, preferably one who's slower than you. I don't mean to scare you, but most lions in Kenya are tired of eating local people and consider foreigners a delicacy. So please give your mother a big hug before you leave. And don't forget to write a will.

Q: My company has offered me a short stint in Zimbabwe. Before I accept, I have a couple of questions. Does Zimbabwe have any cities? What about electricity? -- Luther, Maryland.

A: There are no cities in Zimbabwe, only villages. Harare is the capital village. There's no electricity either, just something called electrivillage. Don't worry: It will provide enough light for your hut, as long as you remember to fill it up regularly with fireflies.

Q: My husband and I are traveling to Somalia next month. Do they accept credit cards there or should we carry cash? -- Jennifer, North Carolina.

A: Neither. Your best bet is to carry lots of shells. You can buy them at a crafts store or collect them at the beach. Five hundred shells will get you a room in a decent hotel, but if you want to stay in a first-class one, you'll probably have to shell out more.

Q: My friends and I will be visiting South Africa soon, but would also like to see the magnificent Victoria Falls in Zambia. Can we travel there by air? -- Josh, Washington.

A: Yes, you can certainly travel by air. Just get on a tree and keep swinging. You'll be there in no time. And you're right: the Victoria Falls is magnificent. It's like the Niagara on Viagra.

Q: I'm going to be spending two years in Uganda as a Peace Corps volunteer. I will have plenty of work during the day, but I'm not sure how to spend my nights. What do Ugandans do for entertainment? -- Donna, Connecticut.

A: Ugandans are just like other Africans. They entertain themselves by sitting in a circle around a fire and singing "Kumbaya." In some remote villages, they may even tell jokes about any foreigner in their midst. But if they start calling the event a "roast," be prepared to run.

Q: I am hoping to visit Namibia in a few months. Just wondered if I should take my cell phone with me. Will I be able to communicate with it? -- Nathan, Indiana.

A: You will certainly be able to communicate with it. Just use the buttons to make clicking sounds. Here's the key: one click means 'I come in peace,' two clicks mean 'Take me to your leader,' and three clicks mean 'No, I am not edible.'

Q: I have a friend called George in South Afica and Peter in Morocco, do you know them? - - Joy, Chicago.

A: Yep. Africa is one small place, and every person has his own name. Will send my greetings!

More Spam!!

2010-07-27T12:24:00.000+03:00

My hotmail account works such that one side of it is junk mail, then the other is for authorized persons as prescribed by my useless se-lef! Because you may receive a ki mail from someone that wasn’t previously authorized, I still have to check the junk mail, just in case.

From the look of things however, it seems am a sexual pervert, and a grossly un-gifted by nature one at that, coz the shit that beez streamin to my junk mail is telling;

“Increase your manhood: The looks you will be receiving from women will be extraordinary”, goes the first one.

“GetDirectSave: Huge savings on Viagra”, ok, maybe al try out this drug and hope I don’t hump the neighbour’s goat!

“HornyandSexy Sarah wants: You!” Damn Sarah, take it easy.

If you can see the order in which the junk mail was streaming in, you would know that I was supposed to get my ass outta this café real quick, go get my manhood enlarged so I can impress horny Sarah, then buy some Viagra shit then eventually go meet up with this horny Sarah character.

Luckily, it is junk mail also known as Spam! And that’s exactly what you get after the meet with horny Sarah!

Am not on Facebook, but I do get almost 6 messages on a daily, and all from chicks, Tina, Jasmine and Jacqui all want to be my friends.

The shit people go through to send to computers viruses! Say, even if I actually met these chicks, I would probably get viruses too! Now if there’s anything more to show that the world is one huge coincidence…..

Re-incarnation explored!!

2010-07-25T14:26:00.001+03:00

Human peoples are blessed with minds that enable us think, unlike silly baboons and smelly cats. In the forest of our minds, we conjure up all sorts of imaginations, some of which we force upon others, in the belief that we are right, for example, religion. As we wonder through this intricate web of imagination, we always end up in unknown territory, the shit we want to know but just can’t, for example, what the hell do women exactly want?

That question however is for another day, as the mind today reached another destination that is up for thought, what the hell happens in the after life? Some characters think we first go to the clouds and meet some St Peter chap who has a blackberry with all our data in it, and based on these, he either gives you a ticket to meet 70 virgins or you go to hell – literally!

How about re-incarnation?

Imagine if we are re-cycled? But that wouldn’t explain the population growth, since we are now a lot more than previously. But then again, many animal species get extinct, maybe they return as humans, and immediately concentrate on becoming politicians, coz only wild animals behave like they do. So, imagine if there was re-incarnation, this is what would happen to you.

Dog!

You are sent back as a canine. If you were previously a man, this should be no problem, coz according to our sisters, “all men are dogs”, so we just return to resume normal business. However, if you were a chick and return as a dog, this is what awaits yo ass;

Begging: As a dog, if you don’t live near a garbage pit, yo miserable life shall be spent wagging yo tail at Bamboo nest hoping that the human chap throws a bone at you. Some nasty humans will lace these bones with tones of chilli just for their amazement as they see you roll on the ground like a crazy hyena on heat! You will fight for chicks, and this time they are actually called bitches, so you must be ready to endure scars, that shit of buying the bitch ice cream and taking her for a movie then you get sorted, fogit about it! If you are strong and win the bitch over, you will get stuck to the chick after that chow, and start wondering around like a pair of confused Siamese twins whose parents were cousins, your erect member will be stuck to this bitch’s ass all day, get trouble crossing the road and shit! Speaking of getting stuck, this God character should enable women to tie up rapists like this. You be there blasting and she just ties up, then goes “ok that’s it, we are going to the police station. Don’t try anything silly coz al just tighten up, let’s move punk!!”

Pig!

If you commit many sins, St Peter will send you back to earth as a pig. If you thought a dog’s life was, erm, gone to the dogs, just see the shit our porky relatives go through.

You shall be the filthiest living thing known to civilization. One of your favorite meals, believe it or not, is your own shit! Talk about zero expenses on sewerage! But for some weird and very strange reason, you shall be one of the tastiest animals known to civilization! Probably eating your own shit is good for your predators, coz nothing beats a ham sandwich, Rise and Shine pork, Frankfurters, sausages, sausage rolls, sausage kebabs…….shit, the list is endless!

However, you shall have one of the biggest controversies known to man, coz the guys that like to feed on your fatty ballistic self are humans, but then again, the animals that detest you the most are….u guessed right, humans! They usually call themselves muslims. They will never shake the hands of those that have just had a delicacy of one of your ancestors, heck, they won’t even use a plate that has ever held one of your cousins! We just don’t know why!

Cow!

When you shit, your dung is known as bullshit!! Stop smiling, that’s not a compliment! When you return as a cow, it’s both as a punishment and a ki deadly blessing! If St Peter reads that you molested 14 year old……..no, not chicks, 14 year old bottles of wine, ‘stead a letting ‘em get to the required 25 years to taste ballistic, your ass will be dragged back to earth as a cow in Rukungiri. You will be picked up by a rag tag gang of very un-hygienic lumpens on a Fuso truck and tied up like a common criminal and ferried to Kampala for slaughter. While in transit, your horns shall be tied to the top of the truck such that in your quest to find balance, your hooves may end up hanging on the side of the truck – for 6 straight hours. Luckily, you may not reach the slaughter house alive after all this torture.

Howsomever, if you are lucky, you shall be sent as a cow to India! These nuts believe that cows are re-incarnations of their ancestors, this is de javu, coz we are assuming exactly that right now! The Indian hindus don’t eat cows, they just watch over them till they are old then send them to an elderly ranch where they spend the rest of their miserable lives eating grass and watching the sun set! If this isn’t the life you want, then you need to get a grip on shit!

Cat!

If you are really lucky, you shall be sent as a feline friend to some old white chick who broke up with her husband after killing him. She then inherited all his wealth and has no one to speak to. This wench will leave all her property to you in her will, and you will be pampered like a spoilt brat till a pack of dogs eventually finds you and sends your 9 lives back to the clouds for re-incarnation.

This time round, you may return as a wild cat and spend the rest of your 9 lives begging for milk and eating dirty rats!

Cockroach!

This is probably the worst punishment. Humans will step on you, leave you in pain, but you just don’t die! You just be limping around the house like you were Bebe freakin Fool! You will live so long you may even understand English and start reading the spray cans on our bathroom shelves and talk to your relatives “peoples, looks like we are having a Doom shower tonight. This one says odorless, so be sure this punk is going to drown us on this one this time. Say, I preferred the Farco rapid kill, that shit tasted salty and crispy, let’s see what this Doom shit does, ready guys, get the chemical gas masks, here comes the idiot” is all you may be saying.

Personally, I want to return as King’s son. People just kneel for you as if you paid their school fees! They give you free dimes and even protest on your behalf, while you, you just chill! If you are Mswati’s son, you will beg the Lord to never kill you, what with all the virgins you get a year! If you are African royalty, chaps will lay down on your path so you just walk over them, breaking a couple of spines in the process, but it’s all good , they love it!!

If only this shit were true!

Out!

Shopaholics Anonymous!!

2010-07-23T12:33:00.004+03:00

A new phenomenon has hit town, and, as usual, its straight outta Europe. This stuf has come in form of a “disease” known as “shopaholic disorder”! Apparently this disease is catching chicks faster than gonorrhea, diphtheria, diarrhea and any disease than ends in “….rhea”.Shopaholism, the disease, has been classified as an addiction that is equal to, if not worse than smoking, drinking and stealing government funds!

According to some psychologist whose name you don’t really care to know as it adds no tangible value to your ballistic self, this strange disease is often caused by depression, stress, loneliness, anger and the need to be accepted.However, our resident psychologist, whose offices are located in my sub-conscious, refuted these allegations. She said (nice, my conscience is a chick) that shopaholic stuffs are caused by a sudden influx of dimes, probably from some deadly commission one received because she connected the guys that are going to repair street lights to some KCC hyenas.

The psychologist (the real one this time) added that shopaholics need to seek immediate attention from qualified doctors, but was hesitant to add that she was actually talking about herself, and her phone number will be availed if you read the entire article.

What help?

Let’s see the scenario (with the so called qualified but bored psychologist):

“Hi Doc, munange I haven’t been feeling well lately, nga I have been shopping things like a problem! I have more Uchumi receipts than pictures of my family in my sack/handbag! I am confused, please help!”

Addicted resident!

“Well Ms Addicted Resident, this disease is creeping into our corporate culture lately. What you can do however is, just follow my 6 step procedure, which I have clearly written in my book that you will have to buy from the counter on your way out, “shopaholics – the miracle cure, if this shit works…..its a miracle bitch!!”, I clearly explain that u can do the following: Don’t move with your ATM, go tell the bank to shove it up theirs, coz you are saving: Track every penny saved, even that dime for orbit: Ask your spending self, is this a need or a want? If it’s a rolex for a campus toyboy, it’s a need, spend it bitch: Avoid temptations, and not that bible shit, but Uchumi shit: Ask for help, and pay me while you are at it – spend more to learn how to not spend more: Seek professional help – that’s me again, pay up bitch:”

If it were my turn to help this maggot, here’s the deal:

“Woman, u have a what? Spending habit? Coo, let me help. First of all, draft a letter to that silly employer of yours detailing to him how you are making too much money it’s making you sick with a strange disease that makes you feel like spending all of it!

Next, ask…nay, beg the nice incorruptible masturbators at URA to increase your PAYE to 50%. What’s this business of cutting off ONLY 30% yet you don’t need this dime! It’ll be a first, but you know you are trailblazer u spendthrift chick you!

Next, get that ATM card and throw it in a river. Write to the bank and tell them you will no longer withdraw that monthly salary “cause yo ATM and you have divorced, due to irreconcilable differences"! That money can always be deducted as “bank charges”.

Just in case yo daddy is Sam Kutesa, disown the guy! “Daddy, yo money is making me sick!” is a good way to part with him.

Finally, if you are having spending problems “just because you broke up with some lumpen”, using mobile money, send dimes to 077X-XXXXXX, coz that’s my number bitch!

And another finally……..stop whining that you have too much money and cant help it but shop! What kind of bullshit is this? It’s not a disease! It’s what we all wake up for!

While you were away.......

2010-07-20T16:21:00.000+03:00

These security measures are pissing me the f* off! Do we look like we can actually blow ourselves up? Jesus ain’t that cool to die for godamit! Just imagine the Cardinal calling u up at Rubaga Cathedral or some other shitty place and goin…..

“Son, u have been chosen for this mission to carry out our Lord’s work. Now, u will strap this stuff on, head to that crowded place…yep, full of those muslim criminals…then u will click this little button thingy, and St Peter shall be awaiting you with open arms!”

“Ait father, ait, am with you on this one, to hell with those muslim infidels….now let me get you straight, al get onto a bike, then proceed to the mall, but then, where do I meet u guys after blowing this stuff up?”

“Son, u don’t understand, we need u to get right at the center of the crowd, then blow the damn thing!”

“That’s fine, so when exactly do we meet after this stuff….Tuesday, Thursday…”

“U idiot, u blow yourself up too”

“Ey man, ey dawg men, I aint gon do it man…shit I gat kids and everything, a new girlfriend and all, heck, I just bought these new shoes man….am down with that boy Jesus but I aint down like that….peace out homes!”

Am pretty sure we would all reply like this (except that Fr Sempa character, anything for the news right?) so why the hassle!? Born again chaps are issuing id’s to their “members” so as to avoid a blast. If I wanted to blow up these excuses of holy people, I would just infiltrate their “cells” as they call them, sing that kumbaya shit till my voice gets sore, become a lead pastor, then one day walk in with my C4 strapped to my shoulders and send these noisy freaks to wherever the hell they believe they are going! Id’s my foot!!

In this same vein, LC’s everywhere have become the most powerful chaps alive, registering “members” of the residential areas. Even companies have become serious. There is this gas station where we were gathering data of employees, being a “hot target” and all, but the staff file made me forget about the security measures, coz these application letters were too killer, who am I not to share;

Dear Sir / Madam;

Re: Application for a vaccancy.

I submit my application to you applying to be employed by you. I am 22 years old. At all times, I shall be royal to my superiors and social to my counterparts. I will be happy when I receive a positive reply.

Ronald

Dear Sir

Re: Application.

Sir, I have looked for a job everywhere in vain, that’s why I have tried you. As in education, I failed to finish A level but I have an o level, and all that was due to financial problems. I have knowledge, trust and integrity and wish you employ me.

Jack

Dear Sir,

Application

I hereby write this application to your company. I am a Ugandan aged 21 and female by sex. I finished 3 levels of studies, that is to say, PLE, UCE and UACE from different schools as can be seen on attached copies next page.

Hoping for a good consideration.

Molly

As I type this shit, it’s 4.18 in the pm, and am chillin in Iguana, thank God they have no tv’s else I would be subjected to that torture known as Big Brother. But the laptop got a full metal scan at the entrance, the guy almost removed the typing keys, just to be sure it was a laptop! The shit we are going through!

Geezer Fever!!

2010-07-17T17:29:00.003+03:00

If at all you don’t get blown up by religious fanatics, you will get to be 70 years old, or thereabouts. In Africa, that’s some heavy shit! The Republic of Georgia just announced a chick that turned 130 years old last week, making her the oldest person alive, meaning that our Minister Of Education isn’t doing that badly…..plus that aging chap in charge of Public Service. At 129 and 128 respectively, they still coo…

It was just amazing last week as I was masquerading at Game (after the silly askaris asked me to first empty my pockets, just in case I had an iBomb!) to buy an electronic and got to the counter where those chaps change the plug from the SA type to our regular ol’ colonial ones (why they don’t do this before shipping in the electronics still beats the oblongata!) and there was this old guy at the counter getting his stuff fixed (must have been a heart pace maker UPS thingy, who knows? Or maybe a lung filter to allow in only oxygen, old punk!!).

Anywho, after getting his electronics fixed, he asked for a coupon, and give it to him they did! He walked right back into the mall to buy more stuffs (probably inhalers this time)!I was in luck! I knew it! Those pocket searches were after all worth it! There are coupons for free stuff godamit!! If I had my Warid sim card, I would have been calling all those chaps I left at Gabs to come pick some free shit!

So I reach the counter, and present my lousy SA plug for a quick exchange, and while at it, pick up my coupon. I was now thinking, what is it I really need? A 6 pack of the large heineken cans was first on the list, way higher than silly bathing soap, who the hell needs to shower when there are pints, right? No? Ok 2 cans and 1 piece of Geisha! That soap is big as hell, will do for a month!

At the counter, the silly chick just gives me a ka paper to take to that guy across to have my plug fixed! I said “hey lady, whats the big idea!!!?”

She goes “how do you mean sir?”

“Looky here erm, Getrude…..”

“How do you know my name? Have we met?”

“Uh, its on your name tag right there!”

“Oh, that!”

“Yep, that…anywho, where’s my coupon bitch? I gots to get me some lager, in cans that is!!”

“Oh, that…you see, today is Senior Citizen’s day here at Game. We give back 10% of whatever amount an old person buys so he can buy whatever he wants, and you don’t look old to me!”

“Shit!!! Must have been that hair dye! Thanks anyway!”

So much for the pack of beers. If these Game bastards leave this country before we get old, am suing their discriminative asses. This is old man’s country. The geezers get to retire at 60 freakin’ years old, get to take our campus chicks, are not targeted by terrorists (Golf club wasn’t blown up) and now they get discounts??

Apart from not getting blown up, these are other advantages of being old;

1- Kidnapers are not interested in you.

2- People call at 10am and ask “did I wake you”

3- You have a party and the neighbours don’t realize it.

4- Your biggest arguments are about pension plans.

5- When you read children’s books, A is for Arthritis, B for Bad back and C is for Chest pains!

6- At least they saw Fredrick Lugard!

7- Kenny Rogers CD’s are now free everywhere!

8- You don’t give a shit about bombs “cutting short” your career!

9- You get a free ride on a wheel chair all day – cool shit!

10- You get to tell the people you hated – how much you hated them!

Disadvantages of being old;

1. All important names in the phone book are doctors…..personal physicians that is!

2. You use skin creams to replace fallen skin.

3. You have to remember 50 daily medications, and one of them is for memory.

4. You know u have reached “Revelations” – The end of days as it is….is upon yo wrinkled ass!

5. You get to wear pampers – or napkins depending on how rich you were – all over again!

Looks like the advantages win – shit, can’t wait!!

Post "bombing" life!!

2010-07-15T13:30:00.002+03:00

Trauma: Noun (traumaus, traumata)

An emotional wound or shock often having long-lasting effects

The war on terror is right at our doorstep! Chick pedestrians are haharing like a probem at the Game store mall parking lot coz security guards are checking the insides of their bags! If this aint insanity then it has no other name. Most security operatives have been reporting “make up kits”, “used tampons” and oddly, “copies of keys to their boyfriend’s houses!” as the only “threats” they have recovered.

This is what we call trauma.

Yesterday, the police reported 15 cases of “bomb” sightings, which came in the form of abandoned polythene bags with toxic fumes emanating from the rotting banana peels found inside. The funny one came in the form of a report from the constitutional square where people gathered in a large crowd to see what was inside an abandoned sack that was just lying there. The police had to fire bullets in the air to disperse the crowds! Question is, why the hell would you gather around a bomb? Shouldn’t idiots be running away?

The police, who also seem to be enjoying the unlimited fuel they have been allocated, were happy to report that 6 bags with plumbing materials were recovered from the Naguru and Nsambya estates, containing some remains of used cement and sand! One of them even had a “used slipper”, probably forgotten by the plumber!

Another suspicious bag, which was reported by some bored residents who can’t get over the fact that there are toll free numbers, contained some suspicious looking irish potatoes and stale groundnuts that had been abandoned by the next door family, probably waiting for the garbage truck to come clear things up.

On a sad note though, an Eritrean chap was mob justiced to death yesterday on suspicion that he was the kinda guy Jack Bauer would never approve of. His close resemblance to Somalis was proof enough that this guy was a martyr looking for free virgins in his after life! Another suspected looking al-shabab member was almost lynched in the Wandegs supermarket yesterday. He was saved by some policemen patrolling nearby on their new boda b’s. Wigs with African looking hair aka kaweke are being sold to these chaps at very exaggerated fees so they look like one of us, but these are sold in classified places, as if whores!

A very beeming police patrol pickup commander was seen yesterday buying pizzas at Nandos just for the heck of it. After he was given unlimited access to dimes to drive around town in search of funny looking polythene bags, he said he has since stopped collecting “bullshit 20 thou bucks from idiots with expired driving permits and very worn out tyres”, he hopes for another bomb so he can finally send his kids to study in the UK!

These are the few that have benefited from these blasts……see in life, there’s always a winner in everything, however horrible!

As you can clearly see there’s nothing else on our minds these days but the shift in the way of life. We are now like those silly Americans who keep sayin “ever since 9-11, we started doing this and that ….” And now shit is that way here too.

But before this shift in ideology, there was the story of the kidnapped kid. These days the vans that transport the little lumpens to kindergarten and back are licensed like a forex bureau, 330 pages of signatures and stuff. Some parents sit in their cars outside Daffodils from 8am to 1pm so no one steals their pamper shitting toddlers! House maids have been finger printed and taken through all the rigorous interviews of suicide bombers, and then now, this al shabab crap! We are now living in the “fear ages”!

A taxi tout made some chap show the contents of his laptop bag, “coz he found it sos-pi-shos”, as a Nigerian punk would put it. At least the elections fever has been given a back seat. Ad rather argue about bombs….or their lack of!

The silly "al-kebab" martyrs!!

2010-07-14T14:40:00.002+03:00

This life is just too silly! When u get slightly rich, u get in trouble, people look for you to blow you up to smithereens! If we were a bullshit country like “Guinea Bissau”, who the hell would waste grenades on our broke asses? Now we have dimes, we are sending soldiers to go fight other people’s wars!

Religion is a major factor in all this crap! Why can’t they just ban religion? The chaps that blew themselves up at Kyadondo were soon after “praised” by their bosses at “al-kebab” for their role in “bringing pain to the infidel Government of the enemy Uganda and it’s Christian peoples”, the so called martyrs are probably right now spotting for the best looking virgins in “heaven” as we type! Why not pray that you get re-incarnated as Mswati, if your freakin goal in life is end up with 70 virgins??

The dastardly “martyrs” have now turned Kampala into a city gripped with fear! Getting into a shopping mall has turned to a disaster, as security bastards that have previously been sleeping at their jobs are over zealously checking car boots and the insides of spare tyres tucked deep in the boot, “just to be sure it’s not laced with C4!”

Getting into Garden City is now a 25 minute nightmare as the jam now starts all the way from the Golf Course hotel as these Security squirrels turn cars upside down in search for that elusive detonator that they now suspect everyone to be carrying around!

Even Nakumatt, whose number of cars in the parking lot can be counted on a single palm of a hand, are subjecting customers to these searches. Maybe we all look like Somali terrorists from “al-kebab”, what gives?

Now the “al kebab” punks get what they want. First they kill us, then live us in a permanent state of fear! I will personally drink more, and in the most crowded areas, I was thinking Nakivubo stadium and it’s environs, and hope these bastards dare come with a bomb!

The police have apparently ordered all bars to have a “security policy” in place or risk being shut down. This adds to the “URA registration certificate”, “KCC Licence”, “Company registration certificate”, “VAT Certificate”, “Health inspection certificate”, “Kagu’s portrait”, “Bar owner’s favorite football team frame”……the list of shit to put up on bar walls just gets bigger!

Petrol stations are going to be opening up car boots as motorists await to fill up, just in case these infidel bastards that can’t wait to lay their hands on 70 virgins decide to blow up the whole city by lighting up a station. Queues to get gas will be as long as those days when Raila’s boys were pangaring Kibaki’s chaps and we had no fuel for a fortnight, kumbe this time round it's……”security measures m’aam”.

So now that the internet is finally back on (some punks blamed it on al-kebab cyber extremists) , we hope to be on line more often!

Aza zan zat, am off to Kyadondo for a pint, hope it’s been re-opened!

Syndromes!!

2010-07-09T16:41:00.001+03:00

Watching Nat Geo Wild on cable (the hardest channel on tv), there was this program about diseases that move from animals to humans (but looking at rioters and members of the opposition, we are all animals).

There was this disease named “Cat Lady Syndrome”, which affects mainly lonely chicks that find solace in cats. These basket cases that love to call men “dogs” have some virus passed on to their “single and not searching” asses through the cats they be cuddling, rendering them slow in thought, among other things. The virus makes the chick attracted to cats in a way that her food budget has “cat food” at the top of the list. Such chicks can be found at Shoprite at the “animal feeds” section!

Cat Ladies, as they have come to be known, are so slow in thought that we believe Angela Katatumba is suffering from this shit!! This bitch, also known as a “popular artist – but without a song we know”, went and made herself up (with major assistance from the cosmetic director) in such a way that she looked like she had been attacked by acid. Her eyes were green, and she was making a video for yet another song that we won’t hear, known as “let’s go green”, coz she has been named “British Council International Ambassador for climate change”. What the hell does this mean? Maybe she issues visas to clouds and stuff! Cat lady bitch!!

Some other people have also been discovered to have weird syndromes, which seem to be getting larger in number (according to Discovery: My shocking story);

Alien hand syndrome: This bizarre neurological illness affects thousands of people, none of whom live in Ug, coz never to see these punks. It is caused by damage to certain parts of the brain, and causes one of a person’s hands to act independently of the other and of its owner’s wishes. For example, the misbehaving hand may do the opposite of what the normal one is doing: if a person is trying to button a shirt with one hand, the other will follow along and undo the buttons. If one hand pulls up trousers, the other will pull them down. Sometimes the hand may become aggressive – pinching, slapping, or punching the patient. In at least one case, it tried to strangle its owner. In this case, if these punks were down here, one hand would vote for NRM and the other for FDC! Talk about “spoilt for choice!”

Electric people syndrome: According to some British paranormalist bugger, some people are ‘upright human [electric] eels, capable of generating charges strong enough to knock out streetlights and electronic equipment.” These buggers would never suffer from load shedding crap, they would just light up the place by touching a couple of metals here and there!

Foreign accent syndrome: There are about 50 recorded cases of Foreign Accent Syndrome, in which people who have suffered strokes or other injuries adopt a new accent. For example, an indian can suffer a stroke and then began speaking with an English accent. She may even adopt such Anglicisms as ‘bloody’ and ‘loo’ and "aw u doin mate'. Perhaps the oddest case concerned a Norwegian woman who had fallen into a coma after being hit by shrapnel during an air raid in 1941. When she woke up, she spoke with a thick German accent. She was then ostracised by her neighbours. This only means that Fat Boy and Seanice were once in a coma!

And now, other lesser known syndromes:

Uncombable hair syndrome: Yep, I do got that!

I want to be seen syndrome – Bebe Fool and wife!

I have more dimes than you syndrome – Mike Mukula!

I am too ballistic syndrome – MTN employees!

My father can beat your father syndrome – Budo chaps!