So the blog is called flows and floetry, but it's been long since some rhymes were last dropped up in here, so let's do justice to the floetry bit by attempting some rhymes....here goes;
This is the gospel according to the book of rhymes.....
Saved people will call it blasphemous,
But the rhymes will make the story famous,
Coz the vibes intertwine in a way so fabulous,
It's so nice you can call it superflous....
So i was just there sittin, wonderin, what story to bring forth to all ye brethren n sisteren.. then it hit me, what do people like....love!!! Such stories are always good coz they relate directly to what punks is going through, that way they are part of the story. For example, the first few days of meeting / dating.....magical!!! Don't ask me how I know...it goes somthn like...
Babe, its a beautiful night,
The moon shines bright,
The lone star gives a ray of light,
What a wonderful sight,
It's perfect, better than alright,
I think am your mr right,
Coz you dazzle me like kryptonite,
Your sillhouette glowing in the twilight,
Just me n u holding each other tight,
Till we share that little kiss,
That'll send our souls to eternal bliss........
Love stories, however, do not necessarily go down well with all folk, I mean some of us are too poor to even start thinkng of that shit. U seen that begger on the streets, the one that washes yo windscreen at church, and expects a coin from u, lets drop somethin for these chaps, a likkle somthn like....
He spends his day walking on the street,
Tryin to earn a living in the sweltering heat,
His only capital are his arms and feet,
He has no food to sit down and eat,
He curses the man he voted to the mayor's seat,
For he promised him a daily meal of meat,
He looks for odd jobs, like keep the city neat,
But never gets paid, they say it's incomplete,
He gets tempted to steal, but tries to resist,
He wishes the thoughts away, but they persist,
So he walks across the street,
and steals a bike seat.....
Ok, poor chaps don't necessarily make a good story. However, people who break up with their chaps (thats like......everyone!!) have a nice story when the chaps return to re-claim their lost glory.....
He tried to re-kindle their fallen romance,
By begging her to give him one more chance,
He reminded her of the first time they had a dance,
When he showed her moves that put her in a trance,
He didn't understand why she had taken such a stance,
Yet their love had reached stages so advanced,
She told him she thought she was her 1st and last,
But he had shown her their love couldn't last,
Leaving her to spend her nights with lots of love thirst.....
Enuff of the love shit. Someone has to go macho up in here. As a seventh day absentist, i like to talk to that chap up there...
What's up God almighty,
I hope u are alrighty,
I gotta prob right now,
If therez a way show me how,
I smoke this shit that takes me higher,
I start thinking i am Hossana,
Coz i believe am the messiah,
Even though am a very good liar,
Actually this prayer is a blasphemy,
I shall be covered in infammy,
Let me get on my knees and pray,
But what the heck am i goin to say,
Ah don't worry al find my own way!!...
That was the gospel accoring to the book of rhymes!
Aaaaaaaammmeeeeennnn!
Thru me, with me, in me, in the unity of a pint, go thee forth and........sorry saved chaps, i just want to annoy u today...just for just!!
Out!!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Mirror Mirror!!! Who's the brokest of Em' all?
Sections of our media……ok, I just meant newspapers, but the intro had to sound cool!! How can u just start like…..our newspapers tell us…..! Lets do this one more time!
Sections of our media have been awash with crappy opinions of who’s rich and who’s rich! These guys have gone ahead to create social classes according to how much dime one has! The NewVision started this phenomenon with that stuff of Class A, which was full of politicians. Class B and so on and so on till Class X that consisted of corporate posers whose claim to fame was the salary loans they were riding on to buy that new Golf GTI with that scheme from Ramzan motors, but they were also posing as if it was their dime!
This classification buzz has been recently picked up by the only local tabloid, mentioning chaps salaries across the corporate world, which can also mean Telecom companies, Beer companies and Banks.
All these bu posers be swaggering around with ID’s on their necks to remind us how important they are, just before the bill for a round of pints arrives and by some sheer coincidence, they get a phone call, or an urgency to go and pee!
It is with great pleasure that the poor guys also get mentioned, therefore here is the list of the brokest punks in the country!
1- Askaris a.k.a private security guards;
These semi-literate pumpkins are paid wages between 60 thousand bucks and 100 thousand bucks a month! They usually have between 10 to 12 kids, and speak lots of Swahili! Their supper usually consists of half a cob of roasted maize and a cup of un-boiled water, sourced from the nearest tap that is mistakenly left unlocked by a ka small padlock! These buggers are usually seen guarding ATM machines with such angry faces one wonders if they’ll reach their cars alive! They usually suffer from typhoid every once in a while, and can be found crammed at KCC clinics and Joyce Meyer’s offices, looking for miracles!!
2- Pump attendants;
These fuel sniffing louts earn 100 thousand bucks across the board! They usually have less money at the end of the day than what the fuel pump says, which figures are deducted from their hefty 100 thousand shilling salaries, so on average, they each get about 60 thousand bucks, if they are lucky! Just like their askari brothers, they usually have a minimum of 8 girlfriends! That’s why they cheat you, the client.
3- Gate men / compound slashers / clothes washers;
Everyone has one of these. They are usually seen removing lice from one anatha during the day time when their bosses are showing off their corporate ID’s and swiping them at their office doors to gain access to the company laptop! Gatemen earn like 40 thousand bucks, no deductions, but they usually get it 2 weeks late, as their bosses first have to settle those bills at Mateos!
4- Housegirls
The lowest of the low! These chicks come in at a highly respectable “worst job to EVER have”. They are paid 15 thousand shillings. Those that speak some little funny english earn 20 thousand while those that went ALL the way to diploma, earn 25 thousand, or 30 thousand depending on how brown they are! They are usually used by their corporate bosses as sex objects after they have drunk un-paid pints at Mateos, but with no salary increment!
5- Rioters and idlers;
These professional loungers earn…..errrm……how can I put this…..NOTHING!!! The lumpens spend entire days playing cards and arguing about Arsenal and Man U. They are usually found in parking lots of large malls where they pick handbags from ladies and steal laptops even from car boots!
6- Corporate employees!!!!
And finally, the worst paid pumpkins EVER…..”corporatals”! These lumpens are in negative by month’s end, atleast askari has 50 thousand bucks! A corporate punk with a Masters degree and whatever else papers he has to show, will earn say 2.3 million bucks!! BIG DEAL!
P.A.Y.E (To fix pot holes )30% of 2.3, lets say 600 thou, hate maths.
NSSF (Jamwa’s gambling dimes) 10 %, that’s 230 thou!
The actual cash sent to his bank is now like 1.450.000, or thereabouts. Bank charges for servicing salary account, like 20 thou.
DSTV standing order, like 150 thou.
School fees for Auntie’ Joy’s kids in the village, 300 thou
Rent for that ballistic Bugos flat, 600 thou
Repayment of car loan for the GTI, 450 thou
Water and Kaara bills, 150 thou
Mateos bill, 200 thou
In my bullshit additions and subtractions, that’s like negative 400 thou every month! No wonder newspapers are always running “wanted” ads, and “public notice” stuffs! Somethin like “The above named chap, was actually our thief accountant, if u deal with him, those are yours!! No those of saying we dint tell u” or “the punk u see in this snap was the damaging director of our micro finance institution. However after he got kids with his house girl, he stole our dimes to send her to the village! Beware of the PUNK!!”
Ad rather be an askari…..ok am playing…al pay the debts GODAMIT!!
Sections of our media have been awash with crappy opinions of who’s rich and who’s rich! These guys have gone ahead to create social classes according to how much dime one has! The NewVision started this phenomenon with that stuff of Class A, which was full of politicians. Class B and so on and so on till Class X that consisted of corporate posers whose claim to fame was the salary loans they were riding on to buy that new Golf GTI with that scheme from Ramzan motors, but they were also posing as if it was their dime!
This classification buzz has been recently picked up by the only local tabloid, mentioning chaps salaries across the corporate world, which can also mean Telecom companies, Beer companies and Banks.
All these bu posers be swaggering around with ID’s on their necks to remind us how important they are, just before the bill for a round of pints arrives and by some sheer coincidence, they get a phone call, or an urgency to go and pee!
It is with great pleasure that the poor guys also get mentioned, therefore here is the list of the brokest punks in the country!
1- Askaris a.k.a private security guards;
These semi-literate pumpkins are paid wages between 60 thousand bucks and 100 thousand bucks a month! They usually have between 10 to 12 kids, and speak lots of Swahili! Their supper usually consists of half a cob of roasted maize and a cup of un-boiled water, sourced from the nearest tap that is mistakenly left unlocked by a ka small padlock! These buggers are usually seen guarding ATM machines with such angry faces one wonders if they’ll reach their cars alive! They usually suffer from typhoid every once in a while, and can be found crammed at KCC clinics and Joyce Meyer’s offices, looking for miracles!!
2- Pump attendants;
These fuel sniffing louts earn 100 thousand bucks across the board! They usually have less money at the end of the day than what the fuel pump says, which figures are deducted from their hefty 100 thousand shilling salaries, so on average, they each get about 60 thousand bucks, if they are lucky! Just like their askari brothers, they usually have a minimum of 8 girlfriends! That’s why they cheat you, the client.
3- Gate men / compound slashers / clothes washers;
Everyone has one of these. They are usually seen removing lice from one anatha during the day time when their bosses are showing off their corporate ID’s and swiping them at their office doors to gain access to the company laptop! Gatemen earn like 40 thousand bucks, no deductions, but they usually get it 2 weeks late, as their bosses first have to settle those bills at Mateos!
4- Housegirls
The lowest of the low! These chicks come in at a highly respectable “worst job to EVER have”. They are paid 15 thousand shillings. Those that speak some little funny english earn 20 thousand while those that went ALL the way to diploma, earn 25 thousand, or 30 thousand depending on how brown they are! They are usually used by their corporate bosses as sex objects after they have drunk un-paid pints at Mateos, but with no salary increment!
5- Rioters and idlers;
These professional loungers earn…..errrm……how can I put this…..NOTHING!!! The lumpens spend entire days playing cards and arguing about Arsenal and Man U. They are usually found in parking lots of large malls where they pick handbags from ladies and steal laptops even from car boots!
6- Corporate employees!!!!
And finally, the worst paid pumpkins EVER…..”corporatals”! These lumpens are in negative by month’s end, atleast askari has 50 thousand bucks! A corporate punk with a Masters degree and whatever else papers he has to show, will earn say 2.3 million bucks!! BIG DEAL!
P.A.Y.E (To fix pot holes )30% of 2.3, lets say 600 thou, hate maths.
NSSF (Jamwa’s gambling dimes) 10 %, that’s 230 thou!
The actual cash sent to his bank is now like 1.450.000, or thereabouts. Bank charges for servicing salary account, like 20 thou.
DSTV standing order, like 150 thou.
School fees for Auntie’ Joy’s kids in the village, 300 thou
Rent for that ballistic Bugos flat, 600 thou
Repayment of car loan for the GTI, 450 thou
Water and Kaara bills, 150 thou
Mateos bill, 200 thou
In my bullshit additions and subtractions, that’s like negative 400 thou every month! No wonder newspapers are always running “wanted” ads, and “public notice” stuffs! Somethin like “The above named chap, was actually our thief accountant, if u deal with him, those are yours!! No those of saying we dint tell u” or “the punk u see in this snap was the damaging director of our micro finance institution. However after he got kids with his house girl, he stole our dimes to send her to the village! Beware of the PUNK!!”
Ad rather be an askari…..ok am playing…al pay the debts GODAMIT!!
Monday, October 12, 2009
No!!!! U don't say!!!
This last Friday, Uganda celebrated 47 years, like a kid's birthday! The country was born in 1962 when the white chaps, who discovered the source of the nile, decided to drag their asses back to their counry of origin!
The celebrations were weird, if u are to pass by Kololo airstrip now, u'll notice a ki large billboard that was set up for the do! For the first time, a big billboard had been set up in Kampala that had nothing to do with a telecom company! And it read; 47 years of independence; 23 years of stability; Long live Uganda; Long live NRM!!
Reaaly, u don't say!!! We should sneak up there one night and add on our stuffs;
Errrm.....22 years of pot holes; Long live the ministry of works! 12 years of NSSF scandals; Long live Jamwa!
This however is not one of those rants about politics, Mwenda and the chaps of the observer already took that mantle! We are all here to review the happenings of the last week;
One was some lunatic that sat on top of the crane at the Hilton hotel. He was like "am gonna jump off this thingy here if u don't get me the press! The chaps from Uganda Confidenial were quick to the scene! The bugger then asked for the police! They brought in that spokesman who keeps saying "are we togezza"! The lumpen then asked for the president! Ok this had gone on too long, the policemen just dared the bugger to jump! We don't know how that ended.
Then the kingdom of Busoga got a second king. He was seen walking allover the backs of his "subjects". We really are independent, coz we have surely gone back to how we were before the british came, forget this ipod shit, al just lay there and the king walks on my back! Never mind that masters in financial management i have, as compared to his PLE certificate, he is the king goddamit! Now the muslims have 2 rival leaders, the basoga have 2 rival leaders, and the music industry is still voting between Bobi Wine and Bebe Cool.
These 2 little childish lumpens decided to compete! "my father is stronger than your father"......"my mother can beat your mother"........"My father has more money than your mother"....."ok, we shall put up a concert and we see the winner"......"ok, the loser allows, no those of those, of just lying lies"....."ok, ok, bodo, lets do it". And that's why u guys paid 50 grand to watch the kids play!
Finarry, we got a Miss Uganda! Never mind there were no posters for the do, it was conducted online! Chicks sent their best footage thru facebook and twitter and flickr and any other site! The kawempe chicks who usually entertain us with silly answers like "if i winny this miss uganda thing, my first thing will be to end poverty" never mind the entire UN has still failed. The kawempe chicks were still trying to figure out what "upload your pictures" means when the current Miss Uganda UK was declared the queen!
Here's how funny we are! This current Miss Uganda lives in the UK, has been there for more than half her existence, guess what she won as her grand prize............wait for it.........wait for it.......A FREE RETURN TICKET TO THE UK!!!!
And that was just last week!!
The celebrations were weird, if u are to pass by Kololo airstrip now, u'll notice a ki large billboard that was set up for the do! For the first time, a big billboard had been set up in Kampala that had nothing to do with a telecom company! And it read; 47 years of independence; 23 years of stability; Long live Uganda; Long live NRM!!
Reaaly, u don't say!!! We should sneak up there one night and add on our stuffs;
Errrm.....22 years of pot holes; Long live the ministry of works! 12 years of NSSF scandals; Long live Jamwa!
This however is not one of those rants about politics, Mwenda and the chaps of the observer already took that mantle! We are all here to review the happenings of the last week;
One was some lunatic that sat on top of the crane at the Hilton hotel. He was like "am gonna jump off this thingy here if u don't get me the press! The chaps from Uganda Confidenial were quick to the scene! The bugger then asked for the police! They brought in that spokesman who keeps saying "are we togezza"! The lumpen then asked for the president! Ok this had gone on too long, the policemen just dared the bugger to jump! We don't know how that ended.
Then the kingdom of Busoga got a second king. He was seen walking allover the backs of his "subjects". We really are independent, coz we have surely gone back to how we were before the british came, forget this ipod shit, al just lay there and the king walks on my back! Never mind that masters in financial management i have, as compared to his PLE certificate, he is the king goddamit! Now the muslims have 2 rival leaders, the basoga have 2 rival leaders, and the music industry is still voting between Bobi Wine and Bebe Cool.
These 2 little childish lumpens decided to compete! "my father is stronger than your father"......"my mother can beat your mother"........"My father has more money than your mother"....."ok, we shall put up a concert and we see the winner"......"ok, the loser allows, no those of those, of just lying lies"....."ok, ok, bodo, lets do it". And that's why u guys paid 50 grand to watch the kids play!
Finarry, we got a Miss Uganda! Never mind there were no posters for the do, it was conducted online! Chicks sent their best footage thru facebook and twitter and flickr and any other site! The kawempe chicks who usually entertain us with silly answers like "if i winny this miss uganda thing, my first thing will be to end poverty" never mind the entire UN has still failed. The kawempe chicks were still trying to figure out what "upload your pictures" means when the current Miss Uganda UK was declared the queen!
Here's how funny we are! This current Miss Uganda lives in the UK, has been there for more than half her existence, guess what she won as her grand prize............wait for it.........wait for it.......A FREE RETURN TICKET TO THE UK!!!!
And that was just last week!!
Friday, October 2, 2009
HSEQ!!
Fires have become a ki deadly phenomenon in our bu shanty towns! U hear a market burnt down in Busabatya, Bukedea district and the first thing that hits u is, where the hell is this Bukedea place? And when on earth did we ever get a district like that?
On reaching the destination, the Fire marshall, or trainer, or whatever this bugger called himself, wheeled himself in, complete in a police uniform with 2 pips a.k.a stars, meaning he was no ordinary foot patrol bugger, but a “big man” in his own right!
The punk then shows us the “assembly area”, mbu when there is a fire, we should all “calmly walk to the designated assembly area”! What? al be running out that building to the nearest exit! Fire beez catching up on my shirt while am looking for the assembly area sign?? No bitch, al be at the next exit farthest from the fire!!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Women emancipation!!
Chicks are truly the hardest to understand creatures, in the eyes of we chaps!! At least a cow will moooo very hard when she wants to be milked, a bitch aka female dog will bark all night as she calls all he dogs for a chow, right across the hill from where she has perched her horny self!! A woman however…..whooo!
This is the reason for this rant….sori chicks, but what the hell??
The NGO, going by some name like FOWODE, I think its Forum for Democratic Change for Chicks, but no, there’s no C in FOWODE! Anywho, they are Forum for Women Development! They have partnered with some senior chicks from the Uganda Law Society to amend the bill on marriage and divorce.
Apparently, these WEAK chicks spent like 2 or so weeks hidden away from their husbands and little campus boys at some resort kinda hotel in Entebbe to come up with the amended domestic relations bill, that was presented to parliament just here here 2 days ago! Among the amendments, these are the major striking ones;
1- Impotent men who marry should be criminalized! Lets review this crap;
If your bu guys cant swim to their intended targets, your sorry ass will be dragged to the nearest court of law, where u shall probably be facing Justice Faith Mwondha!! U shall be screaming like a little bitch as she sentences yo non-perfoming self for like 20 years in jail, where yo buttocks shall be subject to punishment by REAL men!!
2- A widow shall not be inherited! Le me cheee!
Apparently it has been practice for a man’s brother to inherit his wife upon his demise! See this only means that if Henry’s brother Harry was married to Halle Berry, Henry would drive a dagger into Harry, and viola, there he has a ballistic chick!
3- Bride price shall not be refunded upon divorce! Really??
In other words, those bu cows chaps have been claiming back after being flushed like a dead goldfish in a WC toilet shan’t be seen no more! What baffles the mind however is, chaps have been re-claiming their cows?? WEAK!!
Ok fine, those may have been as if important, but that shit of “a woman will refuse a chow and will not be subject to a beating”, or “she takes half the property after divorce” or “is entitled to a divorce on grounds of impotence on the part of the chap”, now why would anyone want to legalise the usual ways of life?
Us non-partisan chaps were busy chilling, having heard that a group of chicks were sitting at a resort bringing in some amendments to our laws, we thought they were going to do some heavy stuff about riots, we thought they were going to abolish kingdoms, we thought they were coming up with some shit about outsourcing and the fibre optic sea cable, but wapi!!!! It’s a chow!
Therefore next time u see a bunch of women gathered together after a riot, just know their conversation will be something like;
“Eh mama, they have killed Wasswa”
“My goodness, that means Kato is now yours? But bambi, he is choo ka cute!!”
“But when do u think the riots will end, becoz now I want to move in to Kato’s ASAP!”
“But I heard he is impotent…..eh, can u hear those bullets, it seems they are still rioting!”
“Ok I have a plan, when these riots end, we shall change the bill, so that impotent men can be divorced, or such that Kato doesn’t inherit me”
“But shouldn’t we wait for the president’s state of the nation address first?”
“Kyoka u ka girl, all those things don’t matter, its only what’s in the house that counts, let those men fight”
I now want to know what Caster Semenya thinks of all this!! This is the first person with a good idea of what both sides think!
This is the reason for this rant….sori chicks, but what the hell??
The NGO, going by some name like FOWODE, I think its Forum for Democratic Change for Chicks, but no, there’s no C in FOWODE! Anywho, they are Forum for Women Development! They have partnered with some senior chicks from the Uganda Law Society to amend the bill on marriage and divorce.
Apparently, these WEAK chicks spent like 2 or so weeks hidden away from their husbands and little campus boys at some resort kinda hotel in Entebbe to come up with the amended domestic relations bill, that was presented to parliament just here here 2 days ago! Among the amendments, these are the major striking ones;
1- Impotent men who marry should be criminalized! Lets review this crap;
If your bu guys cant swim to their intended targets, your sorry ass will be dragged to the nearest court of law, where u shall probably be facing Justice Faith Mwondha!! U shall be screaming like a little bitch as she sentences yo non-perfoming self for like 20 years in jail, where yo buttocks shall be subject to punishment by REAL men!!
2- A widow shall not be inherited! Le me cheee!
Apparently it has been practice for a man’s brother to inherit his wife upon his demise! See this only means that if Henry’s brother Harry was married to Halle Berry, Henry would drive a dagger into Harry, and viola, there he has a ballistic chick!
3- Bride price shall not be refunded upon divorce! Really??
In other words, those bu cows chaps have been claiming back after being flushed like a dead goldfish in a WC toilet shan’t be seen no more! What baffles the mind however is, chaps have been re-claiming their cows?? WEAK!!
Ok fine, those may have been as if important, but that shit of “a woman will refuse a chow and will not be subject to a beating”, or “she takes half the property after divorce” or “is entitled to a divorce on grounds of impotence on the part of the chap”, now why would anyone want to legalise the usual ways of life?
Us non-partisan chaps were busy chilling, having heard that a group of chicks were sitting at a resort bringing in some amendments to our laws, we thought they were going to do some heavy stuff about riots, we thought they were going to abolish kingdoms, we thought they were coming up with some shit about outsourcing and the fibre optic sea cable, but wapi!!!! It’s a chow!
Therefore next time u see a bunch of women gathered together after a riot, just know their conversation will be something like;
“Eh mama, they have killed Wasswa”
“My goodness, that means Kato is now yours? But bambi, he is choo ka cute!!”
“But when do u think the riots will end, becoz now I want to move in to Kato’s ASAP!”
“But I heard he is impotent…..eh, can u hear those bullets, it seems they are still rioting!”
“Ok I have a plan, when these riots end, we shall change the bill, so that impotent men can be divorced, or such that Kato doesn’t inherit me”
“But shouldn’t we wait for the president’s state of the nation address first?”
“Kyoka u ka girl, all those things don’t matter, its only what’s in the house that counts, let those men fight”
I now want to know what Caster Semenya thinks of all this!! This is the first person with a good idea of what both sides think!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Warrup GAD!!!!
We finally rejected the whole idea of the sabath, aka the 7th day, Sunday, as a so called holy day, where we cross our hands across our chests, and sit in a building pretending to be all nice and stuff, and listen to that same ol boring chap chatter away gibber jabber!
Of Kings and riots!!
The biggest riots witnessed in the
Rioters continued!
The usual political opportunists came out to blame government as usual, reporters were asking;
“how can we stop this mess?”
Politician;
“it’s the NRM government to blame!”
Reporter;
“How can we avoid such a scenario in future?”
Politician;
“it’s the NRM government to blame!”
Reporter;
“is it safe for us to go home now?”
Politician;
“it’s the NRM government to blame!”
Why do we riot for these chaps!
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