So you have finally gotten yourself that job you have been chasing since graduation, through the normal route or through a note from your Uncle tha government official, the one he sent your CEO telling him “I know this boy personally, fix him somewhere!”. Doesn’t really matter, what counts is that aleast you are paid every 30 days for waking up early and showing up at the office.
As a young chap, you must be sharing a house with that guy you went to school with, splitting rent 50-50. Now that you have just made the original big leap, the one of leaving mummy’s house, she offered you 2 saucepans, 2 plates and 2 forks to start up yo kitchen, but you are stranded as hell on what to cook, here’s how a quick guide to how you can survive on that, ;
Breakfast menu;
Boiled eggs and splash mango
An easy to fix breakfast on a Saturday morning when that Rolex pumpkin is taking ages to light up his charcoal stove. Ingredients consist of;
1- A saucepan; Definition – That silvery thingy, looks like one big round spoon, that mummy gave you to use in the kitchen. Pass some water around it to clean off the accumulated dust before use!
2- Water; Definition – Liquid that automatically pours when that thingy on the sink is turned from right to left! Use it to clean saucepan, described above.
3 – A raw egg; Definition – An oval-ish thingy, looks a rugby ball.
Now the process that happens to procure one of these is simple! Remember those chicken you be buying in Wandegs for supper, video chicken? Yes exactly! Whilst they are still alive, the male one flirts around with the female, first taking it out to dinner, feeding it on the best ants in that nursery garden mummy is nurturing as a hobby, then one thing leads to anoher, then daddy chicken starts chasing mummy chicken like a police and robber, doesn’t matter where, but anywhere in the compound, right in front of the little kids! What happens after that is that the mummy chicken finds a corner somewhere in her living quarters and after a period of walking with a big stomach, which can be like a human pregnancy, goes into labour.
Daddy chicken is one mean bastard, he doesn’t even throw a baby shower or buy anything for mummy chicken, he just keeps running around the compound finding new mummies! Mummy chicken then does the entire “pushing” process all by herself, chicken surgeons are still testing the caesarean section that all she-chicken are now craving, mbu “it’s the fad these days”. After this process, eggs are seen under mummy chicken. It is at this point that the rude farmer, with no consideration for the new mummy, comes and chases her out of her hospital bed and takes away her new born eggs, not even giving her a chance to give them names!
This process has been made so easy for you, Mr Bachelor, by that supermarket across the road from your shared house, by bringing these eggs right to their shelf. A few bucks and you have a whole tray.
The Process
With egg, saucepan and water in place, fire up the gas cylinder, pour water into saucepan, place it on fire and insert 2 to 3 eggs in that water and leave them there for like 20 minutes! When eggs are removed, knock off the shell and apply salt to the white thingy you see now! Buy a packet of splash from that same supermarket and Voila, breakfast is ready!!! A splash and a boiled egg!!
Lunch menu!
Half chips, half rice and beef
A very popular dish for bachelors on the go! It is already 2 pm and you are almost finishing that movie you borrowed, but you have to first have lunch before heading out to meet the fellaz! Here’s how you make this;
Ingredients;
1- A boda boda chap ; Definition – A lice-infested lumpen that usually sits around on his motorcycle all day waiting for you to send him, can always be found in the vicinity of your shared house!
2- Money; Definition – Pieces of paper and metal coins that are accepted everywhere as exchange items for products you may want.
3 – Mobile phone; Definition – Thingy, which when certain buttons are pressed, allows you to talk to the pumpkn described in 1 above.
The procedure;
The process of making this food is quite simple. First, take a tea spoon that has been lying on your table, and place it in the sink for the house help to wash when she comes in later in the day. Then grab that mobile phone that lay next to the spoon, and press some number you stored in it as “boda fella”. Call the lumpen and give him directions to the nearest Chillie’s or Bon apetit takeaway! Ask him to bring half chips, half rice and beef.
If he asks you if he should bring “1 share”, slap his lousy head and tell him you want “1 pack”, because you have no idea what the hell a share is! Except when it comes to paying the rent, then you share! Tell him not to ride fast, lest the food gets cooled in the wind, and not to touch inside the polythene bag they’ll give him, lest the jiggers that infest his un-manicured paws find their way to the food and gang up with bacteria and spoil your pinting session with the fellas!
Supper
Ingredient;
MONEY!!
This is all you need as of now! Buy a video chicken, grasshoppers and a favourite liquid of your choice, then find your way home! And that is the cook book for a bachelor!!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A brief history of acid!!
So Johnny had spotted her at the company retreat, yeah, you know all this corporate fad of “departmental retreat”, mbu to bond and get away from the daily stress, usually happening at the Jinja Nile resort or Mountains of the Moon hotel in Fort Portal!
It would have been a blast only if that crappy boss, yeah, that one that causes you so much stress that the entire department actually needs a retreat for, also drags his ass along, as if he has no one else to yell at.
Anywho, Martha was the new chick in Accounts, complete with a ki ballistic axa, but she had done her masters in Ghana, a predominantly Nigerian-axa speaking country, so why she had an American axa, still beats Johnny’s oblongata! She was as if royal from her home, so her kingdom had sent her on an exchange kinda arrangement with the royals of the Ashanti tribe. When the royals had met, courtesy of Gadhaffi’s dimes, somewhere in Tripoli, the Ashanti king had told these Ugandan royal chaps; (read as is, for real effect)
“Whenova u need somm-bodi to komm and stody here in Ghona, sond dem to me dorectly!!”
So she had jost re-torned from Ghona when a quick sms was dispatched from her royal house to the corporatal CEO;
“Good tidings from the royal house, and greetings to all our loyal subjects. We have a request, can u fix Princess somewhere in your organisation, preferably in Finance or Accounting, she just finished her masters, courtesy of our kind brethren in Ghana. Thanks”
The CEO had immediately called that arrogant Thief Accountant and told him to arrange a desk “straight away!” “Give her something to keep her busy till we find something” he had assured the thief!
Long story short, Martha was here anyway, and now had gone for the retreat! Johnny, who by the way, is the main actor in this plot, had seen royalty! He was smitten like a senior Government official who had just been handed a project, complete with the funds he was going to swindle! He was weak in the knees, like a Senior Government minister in front of the parliament Accountability committee! He wanted to disappear into the floor, like a devoted saved punk that had forgotten to deposit his tithe with that thieving Pastor!!
That’s how bad it was!
Regardless of all this, shy Johnny dragged his ass, albeit slowly, toward this royal chick, Her Ballisticness Martha! He summoned all his strength, and courage to say something sensible, coz he had read somewhere, in one of those silly books, that “first impressions last!”
“Hello, Johnny is the name, u new here?”
“Errrrm, duhh, yeah am new!” As she pulled of one of these faces of these bu chicks we be seeing on MTV’s Super Sweet Sixteen, though Martha was 26!!
“You know I couldn’t help but notice you have made no friends yet!” Johnny gave it his best shot! Was it working, lets see!
“The guys here are kinda uptight! No wonder u need to get so far away just to get to know each other’s names” She retorted.
Johnny was as if excited, SHE HAD TALKED BACK GODAMIT!! 1 – 0!
1 for him, 0 to nature!
“Well there are drinks down there by the pool, wanna go grab some?” the bugger Johnny tried again.
“Erm, excuse me, are you trying to ask me to hang with you?”
“Am sori, if am bothering you ……..”
“Well, if you thought I was one of those cheap, low life Ugandan girls you just walk up to and drag to a bar…..u were right!!! Lets go grab a beer!”
Chicks are now cursing this story like a problem coz they are routing for their fellow species, but personally, am not on that shit!!
Anywho, Johnny took her downstairs, but after a few pints, he had to excuse himself to the “bathrooms”, and no he wasn’t going to shower, he was going for number 1! At this instance, Mike, that bastard from IT quickly stepped in to chat up Martha. Like a hyena, he was waiting for the fast cheetah to make a kill, then he would simply show up to devour the carcass!
Now he knew she was all warmed up for a chat so he quickly started;
“U love books, got some nice Stephen King back at office…”
“Whoooa, how did u know I loved King’s works??”
“Well, I kinda can tell someone who’s into the real life…..”
This bastard Mike had studies her resume while he was making for her that ID thingy for swiping through doors, and with those words, he had put his claws onto Johnny’s catch…….
Ladies and gents, that’s how acid pours in our offices today!!
It would have been a blast only if that crappy boss, yeah, that one that causes you so much stress that the entire department actually needs a retreat for, also drags his ass along, as if he has no one else to yell at.
Anywho, Martha was the new chick in Accounts, complete with a ki ballistic axa, but she had done her masters in Ghana, a predominantly Nigerian-axa speaking country, so why she had an American axa, still beats Johnny’s oblongata! She was as if royal from her home, so her kingdom had sent her on an exchange kinda arrangement with the royals of the Ashanti tribe. When the royals had met, courtesy of Gadhaffi’s dimes, somewhere in Tripoli, the Ashanti king had told these Ugandan royal chaps; (read as is, for real effect)
“Whenova u need somm-bodi to komm and stody here in Ghona, sond dem to me dorectly!!”
So she had jost re-torned from Ghona when a quick sms was dispatched from her royal house to the corporatal CEO;
“Good tidings from the royal house, and greetings to all our loyal subjects. We have a request, can u fix Princess somewhere in your organisation, preferably in Finance or Accounting, she just finished her masters, courtesy of our kind brethren in Ghana. Thanks”
The CEO had immediately called that arrogant Thief Accountant and told him to arrange a desk “straight away!” “Give her something to keep her busy till we find something” he had assured the thief!
Long story short, Martha was here anyway, and now had gone for the retreat! Johnny, who by the way, is the main actor in this plot, had seen royalty! He was smitten like a senior Government official who had just been handed a project, complete with the funds he was going to swindle! He was weak in the knees, like a Senior Government minister in front of the parliament Accountability committee! He wanted to disappear into the floor, like a devoted saved punk that had forgotten to deposit his tithe with that thieving Pastor!!
That’s how bad it was!
Regardless of all this, shy Johnny dragged his ass, albeit slowly, toward this royal chick, Her Ballisticness Martha! He summoned all his strength, and courage to say something sensible, coz he had read somewhere, in one of those silly books, that “first impressions last!”
“Hello, Johnny is the name, u new here?”
“Errrrm, duhh, yeah am new!” As she pulled of one of these faces of these bu chicks we be seeing on MTV’s Super Sweet Sixteen, though Martha was 26!!
“You know I couldn’t help but notice you have made no friends yet!” Johnny gave it his best shot! Was it working, lets see!
“The guys here are kinda uptight! No wonder u need to get so far away just to get to know each other’s names” She retorted.
Johnny was as if excited, SHE HAD TALKED BACK GODAMIT!! 1 – 0!
1 for him, 0 to nature!
“Well there are drinks down there by the pool, wanna go grab some?” the bugger Johnny tried again.
“Erm, excuse me, are you trying to ask me to hang with you?”
“Am sori, if am bothering you ……..”
“Well, if you thought I was one of those cheap, low life Ugandan girls you just walk up to and drag to a bar…..u were right!!! Lets go grab a beer!”
Chicks are now cursing this story like a problem coz they are routing for their fellow species, but personally, am not on that shit!!
Anywho, Johnny took her downstairs, but after a few pints, he had to excuse himself to the “bathrooms”, and no he wasn’t going to shower, he was going for number 1! At this instance, Mike, that bastard from IT quickly stepped in to chat up Martha. Like a hyena, he was waiting for the fast cheetah to make a kill, then he would simply show up to devour the carcass!
Now he knew she was all warmed up for a chat so he quickly started;
“U love books, got some nice Stephen King back at office…”
“Whoooa, how did u know I loved King’s works??”
“Well, I kinda can tell someone who’s into the real life…..”
This bastard Mike had studies her resume while he was making for her that ID thingy for swiping through doors, and with those words, he had put his claws onto Johnny’s catch…….
Ladies and gents, that’s how acid pours in our offices today!!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
P.L.E!!
Education is a part of the rat race! Most people think that the endless quest for money is all it is, money! But there are other things we live for, like the constant pursuit to broaden our knowledge, the curiosity to know more, which explains why Ashy is a perpetual student!
This factor also explains why an 87 year old man enrolled in a primary school somewhere in Kibaki land before he finally succumbed to that process no one is immune to – death! However, he had such a blast while at it, that not only is he still featuring in the guiness book of world records, but he got himself a ki free world tour courtesy of some NGO’s here and there, as long as he wore a primary school uniform while on his travels!
Some so-called LC1 chairperson here at the pearl is attempting to pull off this same stunt, only that he is 37 years old! What’s with the age ending in 7? Personally, I will enrol back to P1, or Standard 1, depending on which country is not having post election violence at that time, when I hit 88!! That way I can get a free world tour, that I have so far failed to save for, no…… that I have failed to afford, plus I shall beat the 87 year old to the guiness book!
The problem however is, how shall I pass those exams? I recently glanced at those exam papers and I figured I would fail them like an African government official on a corruption quiz! Here’s how I think that LC1 punk answered his questions;
Q - What is photosynthesis?
A – A process by which those chaps at megapix take a pic of your raggedy lookin self and remove all pimples and wrinkles and make you look ballistic, as if Halle Berry!
Q – What is BODMAS?
A – A porn movie, something like “Body of Lies” and “Body of Temptation”, but this one has only MASSIVE people!
Q – Why do photons have mass and proteins don’t?
A – Because photons are catholic and proteins are protestant! They have service!
Q – Name 3 components of blood?
A – Some red paint, probably from sadolin, water and salt!
Q – What are red blood cells?
A – It’s a collection of terrorists based in a certain location, like the Berlin al-qaeda cell, they usually like blood. It can also be a nice looking mobile phone that has a red blood colour, a “red blood cell”!
Q – How does a charcoal stove work?
A – I don’t know, I have the LG microwave to warm my food!
Q – Who is the president of Uganda?
A – Are u serious? The answer has been the same since UNEB was formed? Do u really need to know?
Q – Which is Uganda’s newest district?
A – The one with a chap that ate a rat!
Q – Who is the mufti of Uganda?
A – They are 2, which one?
Q – Who is the King of the basoga?
A – They are 2, which one?
Q – How many cents make a shilling?
A – 50 cent!
Q – How many public holidays are in Uganda?
A – Depends on how many times the moon is full, and oh, even when a former president or a king dies!
Q – What is the use of the ears?
A – To tap phone calls for the interior ministry!
Q – What is the use of the skin?
A – To show it off and call yourselves “maisha dancers!”
Q – What is the use of the eyes?
A – To watch out for ghost voters, ghost pupils, ghost soldiers and look for ghost busters!
At this rate, I think that’s a 9 in all papers! This gives me an extra year to improve my record at the guiness book of world records, and probably a trip to space!!
This factor also explains why an 87 year old man enrolled in a primary school somewhere in Kibaki land before he finally succumbed to that process no one is immune to – death! However, he had such a blast while at it, that not only is he still featuring in the guiness book of world records, but he got himself a ki free world tour courtesy of some NGO’s here and there, as long as he wore a primary school uniform while on his travels!
Some so-called LC1 chairperson here at the pearl is attempting to pull off this same stunt, only that he is 37 years old! What’s with the age ending in 7? Personally, I will enrol back to P1, or Standard 1, depending on which country is not having post election violence at that time, when I hit 88!! That way I can get a free world tour, that I have so far failed to save for, no…… that I have failed to afford, plus I shall beat the 87 year old to the guiness book!
The problem however is, how shall I pass those exams? I recently glanced at those exam papers and I figured I would fail them like an African government official on a corruption quiz! Here’s how I think that LC1 punk answered his questions;
Q - What is photosynthesis?
A – A process by which those chaps at megapix take a pic of your raggedy lookin self and remove all pimples and wrinkles and make you look ballistic, as if Halle Berry!
Q – What is BODMAS?
A – A porn movie, something like “Body of Lies” and “Body of Temptation”, but this one has only MASSIVE people!
Q – Why do photons have mass and proteins don’t?
A – Because photons are catholic and proteins are protestant! They have service!
Q – Name 3 components of blood?
A – Some red paint, probably from sadolin, water and salt!
Q – What are red blood cells?
A – It’s a collection of terrorists based in a certain location, like the Berlin al-qaeda cell, they usually like blood. It can also be a nice looking mobile phone that has a red blood colour, a “red blood cell”!
Q – How does a charcoal stove work?
A – I don’t know, I have the LG microwave to warm my food!
Q – Who is the president of Uganda?
A – Are u serious? The answer has been the same since UNEB was formed? Do u really need to know?
Q – Which is Uganda’s newest district?
A – The one with a chap that ate a rat!
Q – Who is the mufti of Uganda?
A – They are 2, which one?
Q – Who is the King of the basoga?
A – They are 2, which one?
Q – How many cents make a shilling?
A – 50 cent!
Q – How many public holidays are in Uganda?
A – Depends on how many times the moon is full, and oh, even when a former president or a king dies!
Q – What is the use of the ears?
A – To tap phone calls for the interior ministry!
Q – What is the use of the skin?
A – To show it off and call yourselves “maisha dancers!”
Q – What is the use of the eyes?
A – To watch out for ghost voters, ghost pupils, ghost soldiers and look for ghost busters!
At this rate, I think that’s a 9 in all papers! This gives me an extra year to improve my record at the guiness book of world records, and probably a trip to space!!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Re-writing History!!
While flipping through Adolf Hitler’s book Mein Kamph, it dawned on me that these chaps all have details on their history that we Africans savour on in the name of passing time. We literally know about Napoleon and his end at waterloo, we have heard of George Washington a countless number of times, Barrack Obama, Beckham and all these other chaps that literally have NOTHING to do with us!
So it got me thinking, why don’t we come up with a way to make our history so cool that we shall be interested in it?
In Hitler’s book, there’s this passage in the intro;
7) Herodotus (Book VII, 213218) tells the story of how a Greek traitor, Ephialtes, helped the Persian invaders at the
under General Hydarnes over the mountain pathway. Thus taken in the rear, the Greek defenders, under Leonidas, King of
The bravery of Leonidas and the treason of Ephialtes impressed Hitler, as it does almost every schoolboy. The incident is referred to again in Mein Kampf (Chap. VIII, Vol. I), where Hitler compares the German troops that fell in France and Flanders to the Greeks at Thermopylae, the treachery of Ephialtes being suggested as the prototype of the defeatist policy of the German politicians towards the end of the Great War.
This was the exact same storyline for a movie called 300!! Kumbe all this time this was a history lesson! Now, we have to do this thing in the Ugandan context, maybe these dotcomers will finally learn their own history, instead of clamouring for green cards! So here goes;
Tales abound of how the god king Kabalega, in despair after the white men had come into his kingdom, called together the highest council of noblemen, advisors and defence forces! He had addressed them thus;
“Noblemen, we have been sold out for a few pieces of silver and household mirrors by a few chiefs in the counties!! This treachery shall only be met by death to the traitor”!
THE IMPERIAL BRITISH EAST AFRICAN COMPANY:
Around this time, the imperialist slave traders from the British Government had sent FJ Jackson as an agent and spy of the Imperial British East Africa Company. His role was to oversee the British sphere of influence, which included
“Dawg, u gotta sign this shit or there are gonna be some deadly consequences up in this piece”
“No way Mr Jackson, but the chaps at the
This was put to rest by the Heligoland Treat of July 1 1890. Under the treaty signed in Europe, the territory known today, as
At the same time, Emin Pasha was in
Against this background, Captain Frederick Lugard was dispatched to forestall the Egyptian threat and to prevent Stokes from selling arms to Mwanga and Kabalega. These events were clearly missed out in the Nicholas Cage movie, Lord of War!
The Catholics and Mwanga, whom they regarded as their sympathizer, saw the coming of Captain Lugard, a representative of the Imperial British East Africa Company, in December 1890 as a triumph for the Protestants. They immediately dispatched some gay chaps to disorganise the protestants, right from their leader the Archbishop Robinson, so they could neutralise the threat of Lugard!
With the use of threats, Lugard managed to secure from Mwanga and the Catholics an agreement the god king Mwanga had initially refused to sign. He later helped to beat off one invasion of Muslims from Bunyoro, proceeded to Nkore and signed a treaty with Ntare V to stop arms reaching Kabalega. This made Kabalega angry, pissed him off to the core! He was heard ranting; “these mavuki have jammed me to get arms!!! Wewe, presidential advisor, get me on e-bay……NOW!!! Get me Nicholas Cage!!”
They almost stopped him from visiting Kayunga, where he had wanted to rally his subjects!
Lugard reinstated Omukama Kasagama in Toro who had been defeated by Kabalega at the battle of the Kruger! Kabalega had commanded his troops well, assuring them;
“MEN, it’s here at the kruger that our blood will flow! It’s stains shall be a reminder of what heroes we have been, and our names shall live forever in history books, kapish???.....KAPISH!!”
MWANGA AND KABALEGA'S RESISTANCE
This countrywide resistance to the imperialist colonial bastards had come too late. Omukama Kabalega had been fighting a lone guerilla war for nearly eight years. Despite starting with only 27 men, and 6 guns, he still lost! No one was on his shit!! They loved the mirrors GODAMIT! With the depletion of their forces, Mwanga and Kabalega were captured on April 4 1899 in Dokolo, present-day Lira, in a house of a Langi chief. They were on a pint!
They were both exiled to
THE 1900
With Mwanga and Kabalega off the political scene and Mwanga having been succeeded by his infant son in 1900, as if Oyo, but not quite, the
The Lukiiko was created with its functions defined and, above all, it was subjected to the overall control of the colonial government.
This explains the non-ending riots for their rights that were signed away in 1900! However, a new breed of chaps have since taken over from where the colonialists left, and that history is for some other day! The movie shall be in stores as soon as we get the Global Fund Dimes!!
Monday, November 2, 2009
We complicate life!!!
It usually goes by many names, bureaucracy, red tape, kitu kidogo e.t.c. One may be easily convinced that this kind of thing only happens in government offices and the UN but u’ll be shocked! Let’s review Uganda’s worst places to ever go to for normal bizness:
1 – Bank;
Ok so u finally got that job as Junior something something at that telecom company, u are in charge of handling accounts, so they call you some pompous stuff like “accounts relation manager”, u be posing in the bar with your “big name”, talking bout “big is me”, and u have the bizness card to prove it. Heck, u even dish out yo bizness card to that chap that slashes yo compound, saying “call me if u need a new slasher, errrm, let me give you my card, even though it would be much easier to just save my number in yo phone, but just have zis one!”
Anywho, becoz u have this cool job, u are required, by company policy, the rules imposed by the slave owners, to have a bank account, because they will not be paying cash like that job you had before as a supermarket attendant, but yo money shall be wired direct to your account.
So u pick a quick boda b and dash to the nearest Barclays bank, because they sponsor the premier league. As soon as u get to that chick at “account opening”, she beez like “hold on a second, al be with u in a giff”, since she will somehow be on phone!
When she does get to you, the questions begin;
“Erm, we have a lot of products, do u want a flat rate account, savings, salary, business, ………”
“I need my employer to send me money”
“Ok, that’ll be a salary account. Luckily for you, this one has no charges at all. Now, we need a letter from your employer introducing you to the bank. We shall also need a referee, and he must have an account with us. Also, we need a copy of any bill you have, water, electricity or DSTV. We shall also need a letter from your LC. On top of this, we need 2 passport photos…….”
“But excuse me, I don’t know anyone with an account here, and I still live at my mom’s”
“Sorry, but you need to have those!”
Eventually when you do get the account open, the guys who said there are no charges, jump on your bu little dimes like hyenas on a carcass! Ledger fees, monthly levy, salary processing fee e.t.c eat into that balance of yours! HATE BANKS!!
2 - MTN and the police!
So you lost your phone? Bambi sorry! So what are you doing about it?
Well, the first step you should do is to go to MTN to get a replacement SIM, but they will tell you to first go and bring a police statement explaining how you lost that very precious SIM card of 3 thousand bucks! At the police station, you find Corporal Akello on duty;
“The chim card ij losht! Ello, first give me de money for de foolscap, we don’t have de papers ello!!”
A quick 1 thousand bucks usually does the trick! 2 hours later, and you are rushing back to MTN with a statement! If you are lucky, you wont be asked for a receipt of that SIM!
3 – MAKERERE transcript office;
If you want to kill someone, just go to the transcript office at this so-called university! They will give you a million reasons to murder them, and they will do it so casually!
“Don’t u see am having breakfast, come back later”
“Where is your file? You left it here? No, come back later I have to find it first!”
Meanwhile all this time the bitch is swinging around on some rusty chair that was recently passed on down from the vice-chancellor’s office!
4- JUBA Airport.
The WORST PLACE TO EVER BE!!! This place is so weird! Anywho, when u get there, they stamp some Arabic shit in the passport, and it says “register within 3 days”.
Of course you wont see it. Time to leave is now the worst! So u get back to the airport, and they be like “u did not register within 3 days, so u have to pay 60 dollars, fine”. It doesn’t come with a receipt.
“Go to the photocopy there, pick up 3 forms, fill in 2 of them. Make a photocopy of your passport on this page here, and this page here, then attach the forms to this form here! Pay 10 dollars to the photocopy guy and he gives you a receipt that allows you to leave!”
What a hussle!
Then you go sit on the benches in the “waiting lounge” till some chick comes walking around, “are you on Sudan Airways?” “No, am on Air Uganda” “Oh, sori”! U just be there praying that the Air Uganda chick tells u otherwise, Yo On Your Own!!!
1 – Bank;
Ok so u finally got that job as Junior something something at that telecom company, u are in charge of handling accounts, so they call you some pompous stuff like “accounts relation manager”, u be posing in the bar with your “big name”, talking bout “big is me”, and u have the bizness card to prove it. Heck, u even dish out yo bizness card to that chap that slashes yo compound, saying “call me if u need a new slasher, errrm, let me give you my card, even though it would be much easier to just save my number in yo phone, but just have zis one!”
Anywho, becoz u have this cool job, u are required, by company policy, the rules imposed by the slave owners, to have a bank account, because they will not be paying cash like that job you had before as a supermarket attendant, but yo money shall be wired direct to your account.
So u pick a quick boda b and dash to the nearest Barclays bank, because they sponsor the premier league. As soon as u get to that chick at “account opening”, she beez like “hold on a second, al be with u in a giff”, since she will somehow be on phone!
When she does get to you, the questions begin;
“Erm, we have a lot of products, do u want a flat rate account, savings, salary, business, ………”
“I need my employer to send me money”
“Ok, that’ll be a salary account. Luckily for you, this one has no charges at all. Now, we need a letter from your employer introducing you to the bank. We shall also need a referee, and he must have an account with us. Also, we need a copy of any bill you have, water, electricity or DSTV. We shall also need a letter from your LC. On top of this, we need 2 passport photos…….”
“But excuse me, I don’t know anyone with an account here, and I still live at my mom’s”
“Sorry, but you need to have those!”
Eventually when you do get the account open, the guys who said there are no charges, jump on your bu little dimes like hyenas on a carcass! Ledger fees, monthly levy, salary processing fee e.t.c eat into that balance of yours! HATE BANKS!!
2 - MTN and the police!
So you lost your phone? Bambi sorry! So what are you doing about it?
Well, the first step you should do is to go to MTN to get a replacement SIM, but they will tell you to first go and bring a police statement explaining how you lost that very precious SIM card of 3 thousand bucks! At the police station, you find Corporal Akello on duty;
“The chim card ij losht! Ello, first give me de money for de foolscap, we don’t have de papers ello!!”
A quick 1 thousand bucks usually does the trick! 2 hours later, and you are rushing back to MTN with a statement! If you are lucky, you wont be asked for a receipt of that SIM!
3 – MAKERERE transcript office;
If you want to kill someone, just go to the transcript office at this so-called university! They will give you a million reasons to murder them, and they will do it so casually!
“Don’t u see am having breakfast, come back later”
“Where is your file? You left it here? No, come back later I have to find it first!”
Meanwhile all this time the bitch is swinging around on some rusty chair that was recently passed on down from the vice-chancellor’s office!
4- JUBA Airport.
The WORST PLACE TO EVER BE!!! This place is so weird! Anywho, when u get there, they stamp some Arabic shit in the passport, and it says “register within 3 days”.
Of course you wont see it. Time to leave is now the worst! So u get back to the airport, and they be like “u did not register within 3 days, so u have to pay 60 dollars, fine”. It doesn’t come with a receipt.
“Go to the photocopy there, pick up 3 forms, fill in 2 of them. Make a photocopy of your passport on this page here, and this page here, then attach the forms to this form here! Pay 10 dollars to the photocopy guy and he gives you a receipt that allows you to leave!”
What a hussle!
Then you go sit on the benches in the “waiting lounge” till some chick comes walking around, “are you on Sudan Airways?” “No, am on Air Uganda” “Oh, sori”! U just be there praying that the Air Uganda chick tells u otherwise, Yo On Your Own!!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Lets shift to the village!!
The war on corruption recently taken on by HE Kags, (hope some over zealous intelligence agents don’t go nuts coz of the “Kags” reference), well, where was we?
Ah yech, the war on corruption. It is taking very comical proportions. The first bit on the NFA saga was run a couple of days ago, so here’s the follow up.
The NFA boss was finally suspended as investigations go on into the issue of having 900 million bucks under his metallic bed! His brothers, who he claims own the money, showed face at the New Vision offices, mbu to explain themselves, but they have made shit worse.
So one of the brothers, named John Bagambe is a Senior Environment Officer of Isingiro District; Let’s decipher this bugger.
First of all, his job involves checking on swamps and stuff of the like! Seeing as there are no big time investors encroaching on these lands, his work shouldn’t be that much. And his title, whooooaaa!! Screech yo brakes on this stuff!! Senior Environment Officer??? What, like he has juniors and shit?? In freakin boring and broke Isingiro? Its like the time I was assigned special duties to mop our classroom for 1 week, for “cheeky” behaviour, speaking of which, why do teachers like that ka word, cheeky?
Anywho, while I was on that punishment, to make myself feel better, I gave myself a title, it was “Senior Superintendent of Hygiene and Floor maintenance”. If I ever got a job in broke Isingiro doing environment work I would go by “Senior International Officer in charge of the reduction of Global Warming”, and watch the swamps! The salary by the way is a WHOOPING 100,000/=!
Now this pumpkin declared that 300 million of the lost loot, was his! And yes, they did ask him where he got it;
1 – I saved from my salary!!! (bullshit, 100k would take about 20 years to make 24,000,000/= if u didn’t spend even a coin on that salary, and that’s way less than 300 million)
2 – I deal in real estate!! – (this guy needs a lawyer, and a very good one! We all know Isingiro, ok, we don’t. But it sounds like a village! What this guy is saying is that he has such a ballistic house he rents it out to NGO’s and freakin embassies, earns probably 3000 dollars on each house a month! The last time we checked, the most ballistic house in lousy Isingiro had green iron sheets, and that was the big deal, the iron sheets had a rare colour. On closer inspection, it was confirmed that they had been painted for army detach unipots!! Using big words again, “real estate”!)
3 – I sell agricultural produce to govt, and furniture to schools, and am a consultant in business plans!! (We should all shift to this Isingiro place! A farmer earns all this dime?? I bet this chap has 2 pigs, 4 chicken and a malnourished cow, just exposing its ribs to the public, it should be charged with nudity!! And this punk should pay that fine! We all know village shit. We just be there sitting at 6pm, when its getting dark, and all the chicken be coming back to their bu shelters! What bugger with 300 million will be sitting there just watching that?? I would be in a mansion in Mbuya on Supersport freakin 3!!!
The other brother, a one George, is a parish chief! When I saw parish chief, I thought the chap was a priest! For all we care, parish is some church of sorts, but then I heard that parish is like a ka community, mainly of broke chaps!! When guys here in Kla be applying for passports and get to the question “what is your parish??,” guys have been known to write “Christ the King”, “Mbuya church” and “Kibuli Mosque”!
Anywho, this parish officer also said he had saved his salary, an ENTIRE 60,000 bucks a month! These days even a freaking tri-cycle for Martha who has just turned 3 and wants to play with her friends in the compound, goes for 80,000 bucks! What the parish chif is saying, is that if we all decided not to buy play things for our kids, we could save…..erm…..wait for it…..wait for it……100 million bucks, in like 12 years!!
George also confirmed that he sells local brew, aka enguli, aka changaa, aka pint made by stepping on ripe bananas!!! Kumbe all this time am here stressing with the CEO, COO, CFO, Finance and Admin, yet I could just be stepping on bananas, with no hassle of targets and brain storming meetings!!!! Way to go George, thanks for that career changing story!!
To cap it all off, George said he owns “houses” in Kabuyanda and Isingiro town, from where he draws rent, probably a HEFTY 20 thousand a month!! Where the f**k is Kabuyanda??? Those are towns u get to see on Nat Geo Wild and u be like “that’s freaking Uganda?? I thought I lived here, I should have known that huge space of land with funny little huts!!”
After all this, I believe we are wasting time in the city! These punks brought 800 million bucks from freakin Kabuyanda and we are here in traffic jams!! They were quick to add that their brother owned 100 million of it!
It’s still not clear however how a chap that deals in real estate that streams in the millions, still lives in a town that has failed to attract a single bank, and more so, why the western union chaps are still sleeping, instead of opening a branch in Kabuyanda, THEREZ DIME THERE!!! They could have wired it, or maybe therz a new service that wires dimes straight to under the bed u sent it to!! Maybe…..just maybe!!
Out!
Ah yech, the war on corruption. It is taking very comical proportions. The first bit on the NFA saga was run a couple of days ago, so here’s the follow up.
The NFA boss was finally suspended as investigations go on into the issue of having 900 million bucks under his metallic bed! His brothers, who he claims own the money, showed face at the New Vision offices, mbu to explain themselves, but they have made shit worse.
So one of the brothers, named John Bagambe is a Senior Environment Officer of Isingiro District; Let’s decipher this bugger.
First of all, his job involves checking on swamps and stuff of the like! Seeing as there are no big time investors encroaching on these lands, his work shouldn’t be that much. And his title, whooooaaa!! Screech yo brakes on this stuff!! Senior Environment Officer??? What, like he has juniors and shit?? In freakin boring and broke Isingiro? Its like the time I was assigned special duties to mop our classroom for 1 week, for “cheeky” behaviour, speaking of which, why do teachers like that ka word, cheeky?
Anywho, while I was on that punishment, to make myself feel better, I gave myself a title, it was “Senior Superintendent of Hygiene and Floor maintenance”. If I ever got a job in broke Isingiro doing environment work I would go by “Senior International Officer in charge of the reduction of Global Warming”, and watch the swamps! The salary by the way is a WHOOPING 100,000/=!
Now this pumpkin declared that 300 million of the lost loot, was his! And yes, they did ask him where he got it;
1 – I saved from my salary!!! (bullshit, 100k would take about 20 years to make 24,000,000/= if u didn’t spend even a coin on that salary, and that’s way less than 300 million)
2 – I deal in real estate!! – (this guy needs a lawyer, and a very good one! We all know Isingiro, ok, we don’t. But it sounds like a village! What this guy is saying is that he has such a ballistic house he rents it out to NGO’s and freakin embassies, earns probably 3000 dollars on each house a month! The last time we checked, the most ballistic house in lousy Isingiro had green iron sheets, and that was the big deal, the iron sheets had a rare colour. On closer inspection, it was confirmed that they had been painted for army detach unipots!! Using big words again, “real estate”!)
3 – I sell agricultural produce to govt, and furniture to schools, and am a consultant in business plans!! (We should all shift to this Isingiro place! A farmer earns all this dime?? I bet this chap has 2 pigs, 4 chicken and a malnourished cow, just exposing its ribs to the public, it should be charged with nudity!! And this punk should pay that fine! We all know village shit. We just be there sitting at 6pm, when its getting dark, and all the chicken be coming back to their bu shelters! What bugger with 300 million will be sitting there just watching that?? I would be in a mansion in Mbuya on Supersport freakin 3!!!
The other brother, a one George, is a parish chief! When I saw parish chief, I thought the chap was a priest! For all we care, parish is some church of sorts, but then I heard that parish is like a ka community, mainly of broke chaps!! When guys here in Kla be applying for passports and get to the question “what is your parish??,” guys have been known to write “Christ the King”, “Mbuya church” and “Kibuli Mosque”!
Anywho, this parish officer also said he had saved his salary, an ENTIRE 60,000 bucks a month! These days even a freaking tri-cycle for Martha who has just turned 3 and wants to play with her friends in the compound, goes for 80,000 bucks! What the parish chif is saying, is that if we all decided not to buy play things for our kids, we could save…..erm…..wait for it…..wait for it……100 million bucks, in like 12 years!!
George also confirmed that he sells local brew, aka enguli, aka changaa, aka pint made by stepping on ripe bananas!!! Kumbe all this time am here stressing with the CEO, COO, CFO, Finance and Admin, yet I could just be stepping on bananas, with no hassle of targets and brain storming meetings!!!! Way to go George, thanks for that career changing story!!
To cap it all off, George said he owns “houses” in Kabuyanda and Isingiro town, from where he draws rent, probably a HEFTY 20 thousand a month!! Where the f**k is Kabuyanda??? Those are towns u get to see on Nat Geo Wild and u be like “that’s freaking Uganda?? I thought I lived here, I should have known that huge space of land with funny little huts!!”
After all this, I believe we are wasting time in the city! These punks brought 800 million bucks from freakin Kabuyanda and we are here in traffic jams!! They were quick to add that their brother owned 100 million of it!
It’s still not clear however how a chap that deals in real estate that streams in the millions, still lives in a town that has failed to attract a single bank, and more so, why the western union chaps are still sleeping, instead of opening a branch in Kabuyanda, THEREZ DIME THERE!!! They could have wired it, or maybe therz a new service that wires dimes straight to under the bed u sent it to!! Maybe…..just maybe!!
Out!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Politics - In a nutshell!!
Politics: “The art of governing mankind by deceiving them” – Some chap!
You give a rat’s ass about politics?? Me neither! So why bother discussing these incompetent self-seeking egotistic bastards? Well, they say and do shit that affects you and me. So what exactly do these buggers do? Al try n explain.
Government: To those that were born after 1982, government means NRM!
President: Yoweri Museveni. So we can say, the Yoweri Museveni of South Africa is Jacob Zuma!
Global Fund: Free dimes sent to ministers to have a blast, but usually disguised as money for medicine for poor chaps!
900 million: A sum of hard cash usually found under beds of some politically connected chaps, but with sly wives that keep checking!
NSSF: An organisation enacted by parliament to smoothen the process of politicians getting money from the chaps they rule!
So how do you become a politician?
1 – U must learn the art of being a lying wanker with a very bad fashion sense, for example;
Normal – “we are going to let private companies run our public health service”
Politician “ There are factors within the health service which make it imperative that we add an element of market-led initiatives, in order to better utilize scarce resources, encourage measurable performance and create a culture in which competition is seen as beneficial, with all services being consumer oriented and led…blah blah blah blah!”
2 – U must speak very bad English;
Normal: “For God and my country”
Politician: “For God and my cow-ntry”
After learning those 2 basics, then u need to get a dime and stand for election! Usually, your cool friends won't go out to vote for you, because they are too cool to queue up with those bag snatching lumpens that be at your designated polling station. Do not rely on these corporate punks for a vote.
Just go out to those broke buggers and give each family a bar of soap, and oh, some salt too. Do not, I repeat, do not try to be a wise ass, talking bout “we are going to fix the road and repair the public hospital”, they don’t want to hear that shit, just soap!!
After u have won the election, and assuming the chap you stood for election with doesn’t drag yo ass to court, mbu there were “massive irregularities and voter intimidation”, which is a very catchy and trendy phrase these days, be ready for TOTAL BOREDOM!!
Parliament: The center for political debate. It’s a strange place, with ancient customs and weird ceremonies, with very funny dress codes! But at the end of the day, some laws are actually passed here.
The speaker wears some funny stuff on his head, looks like the same stuff we see in those movies of 1935 England. We thought that was white man’s hair, we were right, but we copied them, AND STILL DO TODAY! Our judges too, SAME WIG!
The first day of parliament will be very boring. You shall be bombarded with words like “plenary session”, “caucus” and even “tea break”! You will probably understand the last one quite easily, seeing as u have gone thru this in school, that’s if the papers you presented to get nominated for this job were not forged by some chap on Nkurumah road.
You will also be put to sleep by the debates, they go something like;
“Senk u sir Mr Speaker Sir for giving me a chance to talk. Mr Speaker sir (they really respect this wiggy chap), according to the amended 1975 by law on con-su-t-uraction and ci-volo works, Subsection2 clause 13 of chap-u-ter four, it says, and I q-wote, “the minister invo-lo-ved shu-l-ddy firsty study de ……..”
And on and on. If u don’t sleep on day one, u are too ambitious!
Somehow you may get named minister – for youth, since u were born after 1982! Yo job, will NOT include going to Club silk on campus nite to catchup on your constituents! Heck, you shouldn’t even go for Rock nite, sijui “steaky is blazing tonight”, you will however be officiating at the “youth day celebrations” in Kayunga! Heck, u shall be attending those wrestling contests in Kalangala, checking on the progress of these youngish punks!
Your docket (be ready to hear such funny words, ati docket!!) will include a very old car and little fuel allowance. Just be patient till you are re-shuffled to the Ministry of Global Fund.
If by any chance you join the opposition, be ready to trash everything, I mean EVERYTHING!!
1 The queen is in kampala – “So what? Instead of fixing roads, we are spending it on the queen!”
2 Uganda was ranked better in economic growth this year – “So what, we would have been better than better”
3 Uganda Cranes won the world cup – “So what, we would have won it long ago, this would probably have been our 4th one”
4 Media freedoms are better than in neighbouring cow-ntries – “This regime is a dictatorship”
And that’s how a politician thinks!
You give a rat’s ass about politics?? Me neither! So why bother discussing these incompetent self-seeking egotistic bastards? Well, they say and do shit that affects you and me. So what exactly do these buggers do? Al try n explain.
Government: To those that were born after 1982, government means NRM!
President: Yoweri Museveni. So we can say, the Yoweri Museveni of South Africa is Jacob Zuma!
Global Fund: Free dimes sent to ministers to have a blast, but usually disguised as money for medicine for poor chaps!
900 million: A sum of hard cash usually found under beds of some politically connected chaps, but with sly wives that keep checking!
NSSF: An organisation enacted by parliament to smoothen the process of politicians getting money from the chaps they rule!
So how do you become a politician?
1 – U must learn the art of being a lying wanker with a very bad fashion sense, for example;
Normal – “we are going to let private companies run our public health service”
Politician “ There are factors within the health service which make it imperative that we add an element of market-led initiatives, in order to better utilize scarce resources, encourage measurable performance and create a culture in which competition is seen as beneficial, with all services being consumer oriented and led…blah blah blah blah!”
2 – U must speak very bad English;
Normal: “For God and my country”
Politician: “For God and my cow-ntry”
After learning those 2 basics, then u need to get a dime and stand for election! Usually, your cool friends won't go out to vote for you, because they are too cool to queue up with those bag snatching lumpens that be at your designated polling station. Do not rely on these corporate punks for a vote.
Just go out to those broke buggers and give each family a bar of soap, and oh, some salt too. Do not, I repeat, do not try to be a wise ass, talking bout “we are going to fix the road and repair the public hospital”, they don’t want to hear that shit, just soap!!
After u have won the election, and assuming the chap you stood for election with doesn’t drag yo ass to court, mbu there were “massive irregularities and voter intimidation”, which is a very catchy and trendy phrase these days, be ready for TOTAL BOREDOM!!
Parliament: The center for political debate. It’s a strange place, with ancient customs and weird ceremonies, with very funny dress codes! But at the end of the day, some laws are actually passed here.
The speaker wears some funny stuff on his head, looks like the same stuff we see in those movies of 1935 England. We thought that was white man’s hair, we were right, but we copied them, AND STILL DO TODAY! Our judges too, SAME WIG!
The first day of parliament will be very boring. You shall be bombarded with words like “plenary session”, “caucus” and even “tea break”! You will probably understand the last one quite easily, seeing as u have gone thru this in school, that’s if the papers you presented to get nominated for this job were not forged by some chap on Nkurumah road.
You will also be put to sleep by the debates, they go something like;
“Senk u sir Mr Speaker Sir for giving me a chance to talk. Mr Speaker sir (they really respect this wiggy chap), according to the amended 1975 by law on con-su-t-uraction and ci-volo works, Subsection2 clause 13 of chap-u-ter four, it says, and I q-wote, “the minister invo-lo-ved shu-l-ddy firsty study de ……..”
And on and on. If u don’t sleep on day one, u are too ambitious!
Somehow you may get named minister – for youth, since u were born after 1982! Yo job, will NOT include going to Club silk on campus nite to catchup on your constituents! Heck, you shouldn’t even go for Rock nite, sijui “steaky is blazing tonight”, you will however be officiating at the “youth day celebrations” in Kayunga! Heck, u shall be attending those wrestling contests in Kalangala, checking on the progress of these youngish punks!
Your docket (be ready to hear such funny words, ati docket!!) will include a very old car and little fuel allowance. Just be patient till you are re-shuffled to the Ministry of Global Fund.
If by any chance you join the opposition, be ready to trash everything, I mean EVERYTHING!!
1 The queen is in kampala – “So what? Instead of fixing roads, we are spending it on the queen!”
2 Uganda was ranked better in economic growth this year – “So what, we would have been better than better”
3 Uganda Cranes won the world cup – “So what, we would have won it long ago, this would probably have been our 4th one”
4 Media freedoms are better than in neighbouring cow-ntries – “This regime is a dictatorship”
And that’s how a politician thinks!
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