Some jobs are just too cool, how the hell do people get them? Watching documentary channels brings out stuff I never knew existed, and wish I could be, to hell with this nonsense of waking up at 7 am and wearing company ID’s…the real stuff reads like this:
Provocateur;
A punk who pisses people off, just for the heck of it! A notable chap is Larry Flynt, an American bugger that used to publish pornography and make it hard corer when chaps complained. He has been sued about 40 times for indecent exposures by his magazines and even made a best selling movie “the people vs Larry Flynt” about these court escapades. That beats accounting or marketing on any given day!
Analyst;
These come in many forms, and their sole job is to appear on television and discuss nonsense they think they bloody know. “Sports analysts”, some of whom name their kids after European club stadia and their soccer hero bastards talk so much nonsensical shit you wish you could have their jobs. The buggers start “analyzing” how the first half went, as if we didn’t watch the damn match ourselves “I think the manager made a terrible mistake making that substitute, he was controlling the midfield area all by himself….” and yet if things had gone the other way round, the “soccer pundit” would have been like “that decision to substitute that player was a very tactical move by the manager, this is what places him apart from the rest…” Bitch, any lumpen can say that! “Political” analysts don’t even deserve to waste ink / typing stuff, it’s not really ink on the keyboard now is it?
Historian;
Just like their analyst brothers, these buggers are called in to give opinions on what has already happened. “Based on events of 1955, we are seeing a repeat of history…”, and so??
Weather men;
And women: These guys stand in front of maps and PowerPoint presentations and start playing God! “Fellaz, looky here, there’s goin to be rain and thunderstorms, but in a few selected places, can’t really be sure which, but trust, someone’s getting wet today. In other parts as u can see these moving clouds, temperatures shall rise to about 25 degrees Celcius, that’s Celcius, not Farenheit, so go figure!
Political / Power Brokers;
These are the guys that support the ruling government. Their job is to sit at strategic offices and wait for foreigners looking for permits, land or Presidential favors. They “connect” you to the big guy for a “fee” then lay back and buy us pints and praise the ruling government. This class of chaps is responsible for the Global Corruption index that favors African governments.
Philanthropists;
No, not Micheal “bullshit” Ezra and his antics. Issuing bouncing cheques to charitable causes does not count. To get this job, one must be a real dime person with real estate and spare change in authentic dollars. This dime is strictly not for display to journalists in a hidden hotel but for actually giving out to real causes like malaria eradication and TB prevention. Wish I could have this.
But in the meantime, away from the dream jobs, its back to the usual nonsense…………..yearly appraisal crap!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Leak This!!
Governments have surely ran out of creativity, their minds blinded by the next big deal….or election, they can’t think straight anymore. If anyone pisses ‘em off, charge the bastard with rape! Zuma faced the wrath of the Mbeki government when he was charged with rape, and so was Besigye a few years earlier, and so was Kobe Bryant, Mike Tyson and Tupac Shakur, wonder who those ones pissed off!
The latest victim is the “hard nut to crack” Julian Assange of the WikiLeaks fame. He is being charged with taking a forceful “WikiLeak” on some 2 chicks in Sweden in around August this year. One of the chicks, like Mike Tyson before, actually offered him her apartment so he could live there while he was attending a media conference in Sweden, so they were actually roomies. The reported “WikiRape” happened 3 days before Assange moved out, so what gives??
The other “WikiRape” was some chick that had almost 500 pictures of the man, as if he was a rock star. She attended the conference and sat at the front and made sure this guy saw her and took her out. So what about???
What we have failed to understand however is why this guy did not leak to us through his WikiLeaks site that he was going to be arrested for rape…oh, I get it, he only leaks shit that has happened.
His arrest however shall be met with mixed reactions….first, governments do not need to show all the stuff they do, some things are best left unsaid, it’s a rule that applies even to normal friendships, we talk behind our backs all the damn time, but as long as the other person doesn’t know, we live on, so why publish secret stuff? That’s irresponsibility, not media freedom.
However, some bullshit taxpayers feel they have to know every damn thing that goes on, and are applauding Wikileaks, albeit the dangers it may wreck upon countries. These guys need to slow down.
So what do the late night show hosts have to say about Mr Assange;
"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno
"Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France and Julian Assange." - Conan O’Brien
"WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents." –Jimmy Kimmel
“Obama’s administration has been marred by leaks….the BP oil leak, Wiki leaks….” – Anonymous
“Federal workers have had their pay frozen for 2 years. The worst part is that they found out on WikiLeaks!” – Jay Leno
Top 4 signs your neighbor is the WikiLeaks guy;
4 – Name on mailbox reads “WikiLeaks Guy!”
3 – He insists you speak directly into his necktie.
2 – On re-cycling day, he puts out cans, bottles and classified documents!
1 – When he gets drunk, he takes a “Wiki Leak on your porch!”
After all is said and done, its hard what to make out of this guy!
The latest victim is the “hard nut to crack” Julian Assange of the WikiLeaks fame. He is being charged with taking a forceful “WikiLeak” on some 2 chicks in Sweden in around August this year. One of the chicks, like Mike Tyson before, actually offered him her apartment so he could live there while he was attending a media conference in Sweden, so they were actually roomies. The reported “WikiRape” happened 3 days before Assange moved out, so what gives??
The other “WikiRape” was some chick that had almost 500 pictures of the man, as if he was a rock star. She attended the conference and sat at the front and made sure this guy saw her and took her out. So what about???
What we have failed to understand however is why this guy did not leak to us through his WikiLeaks site that he was going to be arrested for rape…oh, I get it, he only leaks shit that has happened.
His arrest however shall be met with mixed reactions….first, governments do not need to show all the stuff they do, some things are best left unsaid, it’s a rule that applies even to normal friendships, we talk behind our backs all the damn time, but as long as the other person doesn’t know, we live on, so why publish secret stuff? That’s irresponsibility, not media freedom.
However, some bullshit taxpayers feel they have to know every damn thing that goes on, and are applauding Wikileaks, albeit the dangers it may wreck upon countries. These guys need to slow down.
So what do the late night show hosts have to say about Mr Assange;
"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno
"Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France and Julian Assange." - Conan O’Brien
"WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents." –Jimmy Kimmel
“Obama’s administration has been marred by leaks….the BP oil leak, Wiki leaks….” – Anonymous
“Federal workers have had their pay frozen for 2 years. The worst part is that they found out on WikiLeaks!” – Jay Leno
Top 4 signs your neighbor is the WikiLeaks guy;
4 – Name on mailbox reads “WikiLeaks Guy!”
3 – He insists you speak directly into his necktie.
2 – On re-cycling day, he puts out cans, bottles and classified documents!
1 – When he gets drunk, he takes a “Wiki Leak on your porch!”
After all is said and done, its hard what to make out of this guy!
The 2010 partitioning of Africa!!
When Warid brought in Dual Sims, it ushered into the world the theory of splitting into many parts in the area of technology. However, this theory has been happening right under our noses in the general sphere of life, starting with the 1884 Berlin partitioning of Africa agreement where Africa was sliced up like a Dominoes pizza and different pieces offered to the European children on their birthdays, except for Ethiopia and the Mighty Jah Ras Tafari who fought the Italian mafias back to Sicily.
Uganda had 38 districts in 1994, coz we used to name each of them while in school, and Rwanda was jokingly called Uganda’s 39th district during that time Uganda’s army helped them take over. A couple of dead rats eaten and other bizarre antics later, we now have almost 180.
Our brothers in the muslim fraternity not wanting to miss out on this new partitioning trend voted a new “rival” mufti so they could have 2 factions. Of late, even the one that had remained as the official Mufti got sacked and the Deputy asked to replace him – they are still waiting.
The Kingdom of Busoga, whose hereditorial stunts are as hard to understand as the jiggers that have invaded their kingdom, have about 3 Kings right now, all “legitimately” elected, since the King’s son does not automatically take over. Presidential candidates are having an extremely hard time figuring out which of the 3 Kings to bribe for their subjects’ vote!
In Ivory Coast, a former tremendously fantabulous country with a record of peace better than lousy Tanzania and its rude inhabitants, has finally accepted and turned into a normal African country with true African characteristics expected of Africans by the major media punks like BBC and CNN who are having a field day reporting from yet another failure on the dark continent!
The Ivorians have 2 sitting Presidents, 2 Prime Ministers and 2 full cabinets. Wonder whether they have 2 Revenue Authorities coz that’s where money comes from. Like their neighbors Nigeria, there is a Muslim North and a Christian South with a conglomerate of tribes within, however the religious animosity stands out. So like a true African democracy, the incumbent refused to lose, and he has the army to back him up, a lesson learned from Madagascar, the army rules! Let’s wait for yet another power sharing agreement with an executive Prime Minister (the chap that “won”)
An imminent split is also waiting to happen in Sudan, after their referendum in January 2011, and if Ghadaffi had his way, he would split Nigeria into 2 states. How does a guy advocating for 1 African government be the same chap telling Nigeria to split…beats the oblangatta!
In less interesting news, DP candidate Mao (who previously asked for the North to split from Ug) rolled over in his car several times while on the Mityana road after his driver hit a pot hole! The Ministry of Works in cahoots with traffic policemen immediately came in and took those measurements, questioned “potential witnesses” and sent the findings back to the labs for analysis after which they concluded that “the driver was over speeding….the pot hole had nothing whatsoever to do with anything” and so this guy shall be charged with breaking the speed limits, and the pot hole shall remain as a deterrent to future drivers along this route that want to break speed limits!
The rest of the candidates were as usual bashing the government and the government bashing back, nothing new really! (Let's hope we wont have an executive Prime Minister after all this)
Uganda had 38 districts in 1994, coz we used to name each of them while in school, and Rwanda was jokingly called Uganda’s 39th district during that time Uganda’s army helped them take over. A couple of dead rats eaten and other bizarre antics later, we now have almost 180.
Our brothers in the muslim fraternity not wanting to miss out on this new partitioning trend voted a new “rival” mufti so they could have 2 factions. Of late, even the one that had remained as the official Mufti got sacked and the Deputy asked to replace him – they are still waiting.
The Kingdom of Busoga, whose hereditorial stunts are as hard to understand as the jiggers that have invaded their kingdom, have about 3 Kings right now, all “legitimately” elected, since the King’s son does not automatically take over. Presidential candidates are having an extremely hard time figuring out which of the 3 Kings to bribe for their subjects’ vote!
In Ivory Coast, a former tremendously fantabulous country with a record of peace better than lousy Tanzania and its rude inhabitants, has finally accepted and turned into a normal African country with true African characteristics expected of Africans by the major media punks like BBC and CNN who are having a field day reporting from yet another failure on the dark continent!
The Ivorians have 2 sitting Presidents, 2 Prime Ministers and 2 full cabinets. Wonder whether they have 2 Revenue Authorities coz that’s where money comes from. Like their neighbors Nigeria, there is a Muslim North and a Christian South with a conglomerate of tribes within, however the religious animosity stands out. So like a true African democracy, the incumbent refused to lose, and he has the army to back him up, a lesson learned from Madagascar, the army rules! Let’s wait for yet another power sharing agreement with an executive Prime Minister (the chap that “won”)
An imminent split is also waiting to happen in Sudan, after their referendum in January 2011, and if Ghadaffi had his way, he would split Nigeria into 2 states. How does a guy advocating for 1 African government be the same chap telling Nigeria to split…beats the oblangatta!
In less interesting news, DP candidate Mao (who previously asked for the North to split from Ug) rolled over in his car several times while on the Mityana road after his driver hit a pot hole! The Ministry of Works in cahoots with traffic policemen immediately came in and took those measurements, questioned “potential witnesses” and sent the findings back to the labs for analysis after which they concluded that “the driver was over speeding….the pot hole had nothing whatsoever to do with anything” and so this guy shall be charged with breaking the speed limits, and the pot hole shall remain as a deterrent to future drivers along this route that want to break speed limits!
The rest of the candidates were as usual bashing the government and the government bashing back, nothing new really! (Let's hope we wont have an executive Prime Minister after all this)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The MTN marathon do's and don'ts!!
So you are going for the MTN marathon, u corporate chap you!! Several warnings about what you should eat and what to avoid shall be sent to you by wanna-be physicists who have been watching a lot of Oprah, but do you really want to win this thing? Hells no!! People are in it for the fun of it!
As chaps that have cable (those ballistic anti-copyright bullshitters that show supersport with total disregard for that MNET sole license holder crap), we got to see the real reasons why you shouldn’t go for that marathon by some health advisors who definitely have nothing to do with bullshit Oprah and her fitness punks coz you definitely won’t win, and here’s some reasons why;
10 –Your number “467” is also your cholesterol.
9 – You once pulled a hamstring opening your mail.
8 - Crowd noise drowned out by your wheezing!
7 – Ofwono Opondo shoots you in the face with the starter’s pistol (you may be in a blue shirt bitch!)
6 – You’re so fat you are wearing the MTN headband / bandana on your wrist!
5 – Miss start of race because you are in the bank collecting a bounced cheque from Mike Ezra
4 – Miss race because you are catching grasshoppers in Bukoto.
3 – 2 kilometers and you fall into a giant pot hole!
2 – You get totally exhausted at the signpost of “first water point”
1 – You are still trying to finish last year’s marathon!!
That obviously leaves out winning as an option, and settles you for the blast bit of it. With the election fever on however, serious confusion is going to ensue as to whether this is one mammoth NRM bash or something, coz the ruling party has already painted the city yellow, what with all sorts of posters never even imagined by advertising gurus like Satchi and bullshit Satchi, like the trolley thingy at the Kiira Rd Police station roundabout, now who thought of that? Or the ads at the Kampala Golf Course? Or the Kololo grounds where the race will take off? There will just be no difference.
However, politicking aside, you shall have two options for the marathon, the 42 kilometer run or the 21 kilometer run for the jokers written about above. If you are not sure of which category to run in and yet you are constantly runnin’, these will help you know if you can join the 42 kilometer run and compete with the Inzikuru's;
10 – You spend more time in the drug section than the food section of the local market.
9 – You have more dirt on your shoes than in your garden.
8 – You get more phone calls at 5AM than at 5PM.
7 – You don’t recognize your friends with their clothes on.
6 – You have more buckles than belts.
5 – You postpone your wedding because it will interfere with training.
4 – You always have at least one black toenail.
3 – You can expound on the virtues of eating salt.
2 – You run marathons for morning exercises.
1 – Your name begins with Kip……..and ends with …(kip)choge…..(kip)riso….(kip)lagat….
Well, wish y’all the best in yo jogging, at least you are pretty damn sure of getting a certificate, that 10k is worth every step!
As chaps that have cable (those ballistic anti-copyright bullshitters that show supersport with total disregard for that MNET sole license holder crap), we got to see the real reasons why you shouldn’t go for that marathon by some health advisors who definitely have nothing to do with bullshit Oprah and her fitness punks coz you definitely won’t win, and here’s some reasons why;
10 –Your number “467” is also your cholesterol.
9 – You once pulled a hamstring opening your mail.
8 - Crowd noise drowned out by your wheezing!
7 – Ofwono Opondo shoots you in the face with the starter’s pistol (you may be in a blue shirt bitch!)
6 – You’re so fat you are wearing the MTN headband / bandana on your wrist!
5 – Miss start of race because you are in the bank collecting a bounced cheque from Mike Ezra
4 – Miss race because you are catching grasshoppers in Bukoto.
3 – 2 kilometers and you fall into a giant pot hole!
2 – You get totally exhausted at the signpost of “first water point”
1 – You are still trying to finish last year’s marathon!!
That obviously leaves out winning as an option, and settles you for the blast bit of it. With the election fever on however, serious confusion is going to ensue as to whether this is one mammoth NRM bash or something, coz the ruling party has already painted the city yellow, what with all sorts of posters never even imagined by advertising gurus like Satchi and bullshit Satchi, like the trolley thingy at the Kiira Rd Police station roundabout, now who thought of that? Or the ads at the Kampala Golf Course? Or the Kololo grounds where the race will take off? There will just be no difference.
However, politicking aside, you shall have two options for the marathon, the 42 kilometer run or the 21 kilometer run for the jokers written about above. If you are not sure of which category to run in and yet you are constantly runnin’, these will help you know if you can join the 42 kilometer run and compete with the Inzikuru's;
10 – You spend more time in the drug section than the food section of the local market.
9 – You have more dirt on your shoes than in your garden.
8 – You get more phone calls at 5AM than at 5PM.
7 – You don’t recognize your friends with their clothes on.
6 – You have more buckles than belts.
5 – You postpone your wedding because it will interfere with training.
4 – You always have at least one black toenail.
3 – You can expound on the virtues of eating salt.
2 – You run marathons for morning exercises.
1 – Your name begins with Kip……..and ends with …(kip)choge…..(kip)riso….(kip)lagat….
Well, wish y’all the best in yo jogging, at least you are pretty damn sure of getting a certificate, that 10k is worth every step!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Memorable TV Quotes!!
Gotta love movies on a stray Monday afternoon (u have to forget work for a while, who the hell loves work anyways?). Chaps that write this shit are just too imaginative u wish you would watch a movie the whole day (and not who killed Captain Alex…wololololololo).
Watching “Heat”, the 1995 crime movie, police on the hunt for the bad guys, one of the guys who has been trailed for the most part of the day gets on the phone to the other guy and goes;
“man u gotta watch yo back, the feds are so onto me like a cheap suit…” and it sure does remind you of some knock off CK jean that just couldn’t let go of your skin.
Although most old (30 year old buggers) pretend not to watch cartoons (not today’s, those suck) but am talkin’ bout the looney toons, some of these guys had one liners that just crack you up, like the chicken Foghorn Leghorn;
“This boy’s as confused as a feather in a whirlwind…”
“This boy’s as strong as an ox….and just about as smart”
“That girl’s like the road between Fortworth and Dallas…….no curves!!”
“Some days it don’t pay to get outta bed”
“What’s the matter with you, you look like 2 miles of bad road!!”
“Are you alright son, I keep hearing the most terrifying sounds in there!”
“You’ve gotta be a magician to keep a kid’s attention more than 2 minutes nowadays”
“That dog’s busier than a centipede at a toe-countin’ contest…”
“That boy’s just like a tattoo….gets under yo skin”
“That boy’s as timid as a rodent at a cat-show!”
The mafia movies though have memorable quotes for the bad-ass-ness they potray those chaps;
“I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse”
”You talkin’ to me”
“This isn’t personal kay, this is business!”
“I took the liberty of bullshittin you!”
“Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong and disposable!” (chick to a bunch of chaps)
“Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash!”
“That’s classified, if I tell you, I’ll have to kill you”
“Sucking all the bone marrow out of life doesn’t mean chocking on the bone”
“You seem somewhat familiar….have I threatened you before?”
That’s too damn serious for my liking, back to my favorite chaps, Sanford and Son (Redd Foxx) and Richard Pryor, and the favorite one liners, first Mr Foxx;
“The food here is so tasteless…u could eat a meal of it and belch, and it wouldn’t remind u of anything!”
“I am 65, my friends’ say I look 55, I feel 45, I’ll settle for 35, but u make me feel 25!”
“Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone!”
“A girl’s legs are her best friends, but the best of friends eventually have to part..”
“She’s got TB…..Terrific Body!”
“Let me tell you something. If you ain't outta here by the time I count to three I'm gonna take this crutch and wrap it around your head so many times you'd think you were wearing a wooden turban!”
“Employment officer: What’s yo education background?
Sanford: Well I was working towards my PhD but didn’t quite make it!
Employment Officer: Well how far did you get?
Sandford: About the 10th Grade!!”
Richard Pryor:
“I went to Zimbabwe…I know how white people feel in America now, relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren’t coming after me!”
“I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying till I get it right!”
“He was doin a sentence.....triple life! How do you do triple life? He has to die and come back and go to prison? F*****n kindergarten, get your little ass back to the penitentiary!”
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings…..and lawyers!”
“You don’t f**k with double muslims, coz they can't wait to get to Allah, and they always take 8-12 people with them!”
“Slaves built all the shit down here…..or carried the shit that built it!”
“I’m not addicted to coke, I just love the way it smells. I couldn’t stop, I put the pipe down, it jumped back right at me!”
And that’s just about it!
Watching “Heat”, the 1995 crime movie, police on the hunt for the bad guys, one of the guys who has been trailed for the most part of the day gets on the phone to the other guy and goes;
“man u gotta watch yo back, the feds are so onto me like a cheap suit…” and it sure does remind you of some knock off CK jean that just couldn’t let go of your skin.
Although most old (30 year old buggers) pretend not to watch cartoons (not today’s, those suck) but am talkin’ bout the looney toons, some of these guys had one liners that just crack you up, like the chicken Foghorn Leghorn;
“This boy’s as confused as a feather in a whirlwind…”
“This boy’s as strong as an ox….and just about as smart”
“That girl’s like the road between Fortworth and Dallas…….no curves!!”
“Some days it don’t pay to get outta bed”
“What’s the matter with you, you look like 2 miles of bad road!!”
“Are you alright son, I keep hearing the most terrifying sounds in there!”
“You’ve gotta be a magician to keep a kid’s attention more than 2 minutes nowadays”
“That dog’s busier than a centipede at a toe-countin’ contest…”
“That boy’s just like a tattoo….gets under yo skin”
“That boy’s as timid as a rodent at a cat-show!”
The mafia movies though have memorable quotes for the bad-ass-ness they potray those chaps;
“I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse”
”You talkin’ to me”
“This isn’t personal kay, this is business!”
“I took the liberty of bullshittin you!”
“Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong and disposable!” (chick to a bunch of chaps)
“Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash!”
“That’s classified, if I tell you, I’ll have to kill you”
“Sucking all the bone marrow out of life doesn’t mean chocking on the bone”
“You seem somewhat familiar….have I threatened you before?”
That’s too damn serious for my liking, back to my favorite chaps, Sanford and Son (Redd Foxx) and Richard Pryor, and the favorite one liners, first Mr Foxx;
“The food here is so tasteless…u could eat a meal of it and belch, and it wouldn’t remind u of anything!”
“I am 65, my friends’ say I look 55, I feel 45, I’ll settle for 35, but u make me feel 25!”
“Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone!”
“A girl’s legs are her best friends, but the best of friends eventually have to part..”
“She’s got TB…..Terrific Body!”
“Let me tell you something. If you ain't outta here by the time I count to three I'm gonna take this crutch and wrap it around your head so many times you'd think you were wearing a wooden turban!”
“Employment officer: What’s yo education background?
Sanford: Well I was working towards my PhD but didn’t quite make it!
Employment Officer: Well how far did you get?
Sandford: About the 10th Grade!!”
Richard Pryor:
“I went to Zimbabwe…I know how white people feel in America now, relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren’t coming after me!”
“I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying till I get it right!”
“He was doin a sentence.....triple life! How do you do triple life? He has to die and come back and go to prison? F*****n kindergarten, get your little ass back to the penitentiary!”
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings…..and lawyers!”
“You don’t f**k with double muslims, coz they can't wait to get to Allah, and they always take 8-12 people with them!”
“Slaves built all the shit down here…..or carried the shit that built it!”
“I’m not addicted to coke, I just love the way it smells. I couldn’t stop, I put the pipe down, it jumped back right at me!”
And that’s just about it!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
No title...(i fear those google ads that come with it)
Yes “anonymous”, I have been “outside countries”, just here in Kigali, but since I parted with 360$ for a bullshit 40 minute ride, I can also pose that I was outside countries! We really are low developed countries. Those tea drinkers at the UN in their free time should add one more objective in the MDG’s, “buy a serious plane for your freakin national airline, u poor Africans”.
These Rwanda Air chaps have a plane that has propellers, some shit I saw in God’s must be crazy! Who still flies this shit! Before the damn thing can kick start the engine, some chap starts rotating the propeller blades till they catch momentum then the engine kicks off. And the in-flight entertainment is an instruction manual of “where to find the floaters in case shit goes down!”
And why do plane chaps scare the wits out of passengers before take off?
“Sir, u are seated at the emergency window, are u sure u can handle the requirements…..well good, now we shall be flying over water so in case we crash we shall land in the water, first look outside to make sure there are no obstacles then lift this door as instructions show, after that, you are required to stand on the wing and help ALL other passengers off the plane, but first, get your emergency floater from beneath the seat!”
“Who the hell you think I am?? The damn pilot!!! I thought he gets everyone off!!”
Of course after this scare, all we need is a beer to help us forget, but no, not this eagle air look-alike! Juice and water, if u don’t want, jump out the emergency window bitch!!
So much for all that dime!
Anywho, back to the ballisticness of Kla, and the theatrics contune!
A mayoral candidate of some obscure part of town you don’t give a rat’s dirty behind about got “kidnapped”. He must be cursing his gods (yep, the small buggers that drove him to pull this one off) for the media treated the whole farce like a true one-man circus, using apostrophes for serious words like “kidnapped” and “missing”. We got tired of this kidnap bullshit when a movie “director” got “kidnapped” 2 days before the release of his lousy flick, only to turn up “tied by ropes” at a railway crossing, knowing too damn well the last train that worked here was in 1951, too convenient if u asked. His movie went on to flop and his name disappeared like a government commission of inquiry report! And hopefully so will this candidate....who mysteriously "appeared at a police station covered in blood, because one of his captors "punched" him".
In other sides, advertisers have continued to collude with telecom “giants” to rip us off by continuously lying to us only to be awaken from our broke slumber a tad bit late. The buggers at MTN have been advertising 1/= per second, u would think you have finally arrived to the promised land of super savings on airtime and super diverting that dime to the sexual network (I know u would).
Airtime bought and sim card procured, u proceed to make that 59 second call before you are rudely interrupted and cut off like a half-complete building falling in the city center! These bastards then tell u “oh, u didn’t know?? Ok it’s 1/= per second alright, but only for the first 4 seconds. The rest is back to the normal programming of the usual 450 bucks a minute, starting from the 5th second……soriiiii!!!”
MTN, keeping u connected….or is it disconnected!!
3rd time name changers (as if divorced and re-married chicks) Zain have taken the sexual network of partners to a level last seen since King Mswati married his 13th chick, just last month! After a bitter divorce with that hoodlum Celtel who ripped us off in 1995 with huge brick phones of 2 million bucks and calls at 3 thou a minute, they brought in Wyclef Jean to perform at their wedding ceremony with Zain. After not even 3 years, they decided that Zain was impotent, and the bastard wasn’t circumcised, so they married Airtel and pronounced him yesterday and their new name change! Get off the sexual network, u buggers!
Well I wouldn’t mind these chaps, the real chaps to be shot are the guys doing these day’s ads. These things are more nauseating than a Celine Dion hit song! The chaps that do the Warid thing with a nagging campuser (or so we assume) always asking where her chap has reached;
“honey, where are you???”
“am in a traffic jam…”
“eh eh…nga I cant hear the traffic man, tell him to blow his whistle…”
“Officer………”
Bullshit chick, after telling the guy to blow the whistle, she then calls and asks the incompetent bugger to hoot to confirm he is on his way, then that? Who would want to give his chick his Warid number if this is the shit she will be doing? Guys, style up. UTL not wanting to be outdone in the “worst ad ever” bandwagon, unlash a nursery rhyme that can make u wish their licence was cancelled, and it goes;
“One croc-dyylo beat a telephone….”
Anyway, some crap like that, it’s so embarrassing even to type out the whole thing, but what the heck, who cares right?
In more interesting news though, the campaigns are going unexpectedly smoothly this time round. Journalists from CNN and the BBC are super pissed they have no usual African violence shit to report. No guys pangaring themselves or destroying plantations, well, that’s at least for now (Indians are already scuttling to the safety of the kibera slums), hope the status quo remains and these journalists go back where they belong.
As for the promises, true to political comedy…the railway will be fixed, just like that, federal governance for all, pay rise for every living thing in Ug, loans to students, scrapping pay as you earn for those below 400,000 (that’s MANY of us), inquiries into the 1935 massacres of blacks by the colonialists, and oh, the 1986 ones too (u all know who this is, he of the disbanding the electoral commission, fuck free education and good health, only the commission matters now)….if only promises would come true, elections should be everyday.
These Rwanda Air chaps have a plane that has propellers, some shit I saw in God’s must be crazy! Who still flies this shit! Before the damn thing can kick start the engine, some chap starts rotating the propeller blades till they catch momentum then the engine kicks off. And the in-flight entertainment is an instruction manual of “where to find the floaters in case shit goes down!”
And why do plane chaps scare the wits out of passengers before take off?
“Sir, u are seated at the emergency window, are u sure u can handle the requirements…..well good, now we shall be flying over water so in case we crash we shall land in the water, first look outside to make sure there are no obstacles then lift this door as instructions show, after that, you are required to stand on the wing and help ALL other passengers off the plane, but first, get your emergency floater from beneath the seat!”
“Who the hell you think I am?? The damn pilot!!! I thought he gets everyone off!!”
Of course after this scare, all we need is a beer to help us forget, but no, not this eagle air look-alike! Juice and water, if u don’t want, jump out the emergency window bitch!!
So much for all that dime!
Anywho, back to the ballisticness of Kla, and the theatrics contune!
A mayoral candidate of some obscure part of town you don’t give a rat’s dirty behind about got “kidnapped”. He must be cursing his gods (yep, the small buggers that drove him to pull this one off) for the media treated the whole farce like a true one-man circus, using apostrophes for serious words like “kidnapped” and “missing”. We got tired of this kidnap bullshit when a movie “director” got “kidnapped” 2 days before the release of his lousy flick, only to turn up “tied by ropes” at a railway crossing, knowing too damn well the last train that worked here was in 1951, too convenient if u asked. His movie went on to flop and his name disappeared like a government commission of inquiry report! And hopefully so will this candidate....who mysteriously "appeared at a police station covered in blood, because one of his captors "punched" him".
In other sides, advertisers have continued to collude with telecom “giants” to rip us off by continuously lying to us only to be awaken from our broke slumber a tad bit late. The buggers at MTN have been advertising 1/= per second, u would think you have finally arrived to the promised land of super savings on airtime and super diverting that dime to the sexual network (I know u would).
Airtime bought and sim card procured, u proceed to make that 59 second call before you are rudely interrupted and cut off like a half-complete building falling in the city center! These bastards then tell u “oh, u didn’t know?? Ok it’s 1/= per second alright, but only for the first 4 seconds. The rest is back to the normal programming of the usual 450 bucks a minute, starting from the 5th second……soriiiii!!!”
MTN, keeping u connected….or is it disconnected!!
3rd time name changers (as if divorced and re-married chicks) Zain have taken the sexual network of partners to a level last seen since King Mswati married his 13th chick, just last month! After a bitter divorce with that hoodlum Celtel who ripped us off in 1995 with huge brick phones of 2 million bucks and calls at 3 thou a minute, they brought in Wyclef Jean to perform at their wedding ceremony with Zain. After not even 3 years, they decided that Zain was impotent, and the bastard wasn’t circumcised, so they married Airtel and pronounced him yesterday and their new name change! Get off the sexual network, u buggers!
Well I wouldn’t mind these chaps, the real chaps to be shot are the guys doing these day’s ads. These things are more nauseating than a Celine Dion hit song! The chaps that do the Warid thing with a nagging campuser (or so we assume) always asking where her chap has reached;
“honey, where are you???”
“am in a traffic jam…”
“eh eh…nga I cant hear the traffic man, tell him to blow his whistle…”
“Officer………”
Bullshit chick, after telling the guy to blow the whistle, she then calls and asks the incompetent bugger to hoot to confirm he is on his way, then that? Who would want to give his chick his Warid number if this is the shit she will be doing? Guys, style up. UTL not wanting to be outdone in the “worst ad ever” bandwagon, unlash a nursery rhyme that can make u wish their licence was cancelled, and it goes;
“One croc-dyylo beat a telephone….”
Anyway, some crap like that, it’s so embarrassing even to type out the whole thing, but what the heck, who cares right?
In more interesting news though, the campaigns are going unexpectedly smoothly this time round. Journalists from CNN and the BBC are super pissed they have no usual African violence shit to report. No guys pangaring themselves or destroying plantations, well, that’s at least for now (Indians are already scuttling to the safety of the kibera slums), hope the status quo remains and these journalists go back where they belong.
As for the promises, true to political comedy…the railway will be fixed, just like that, federal governance for all, pay rise for every living thing in Ug, loans to students, scrapping pay as you earn for those below 400,000 (that’s MANY of us), inquiries into the 1935 massacres of blacks by the colonialists, and oh, the 1986 ones too (u all know who this is, he of the disbanding the electoral commission, fuck free education and good health, only the commission matters now)….if only promises would come true, elections should be everyday.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
All work and no pray.......(ignore that ad up there)
In case you thought priests were the only chaps that worked on Sundays (yet their boss rested on this day), u sure were wrong. A larger number of us are beginning to work on Sundays so don’t be super shocked when yo boss asks you for that precious Sunday to come in and polish up on that presentation to the board. In fact, u expect others to work, so why not you….and here are the “others” that work on Sunday;
Rolex sellers;
Coporatal chaps these days drink till morning (my advise to them is to go jump of a roof if they are looking for a faster way to kill themselves). They usually drive off at 6am and head straight to that rolex guy for that much needed fix, before they go home, sleep and return to the bar on a Sunday evening on that bullshit of “man we pushed till morna, it was 7 in the cocks when I walked out..….man we were super baalaaazzzedddd!!” These factors have created jobs on Sunday mornings for Sula’s competitors. And trust these guy’s street smarts, there is now a rolex with katogo in it, wa’gwan!!
Fake pastors;
These chaps are super busy on Sunday sowing seeds of empty after-life promises to unsuspecting members of the congregation who would not have lost their dimes if they had drunk ‘til 7 in the cocks’, and would only have spent 3k bucks on a katogo rolex other than the car log book and land title they have promised “Evangelist Apostle X” for that last spot in heaven (and a visa to the US while at it, and oh, a passport too before u 4get sir pastor)!
Service Industry employees;
From Cineplex to all shopping malls, Sunday is no rest day, that Sabbath shit of “respect the resting day” ended on that exam paper of CRE, of PLE. Nga u can see bu smart chicks climbing taxis at 7am and u think we are such a religious society, until the taxi passes the road going up to Christ the King Church and stops at Nandos where the bu chicks step off and head to Dominoes or Mateos and organize the aprons for work. Bosses who refuse to work on Sunday then stroll in and start yelling at the poor bu chicks “Customer is king”, fuck off u lazy boss, at least she woke up to work, cut her some slack, this ain’t yo office bitch, u are no king here!
Street Vendors;
For some reason, people be bored to death on Sundays, there is nothing to do at home. TV stations show live proceedings of church services / masses (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are) while radio stations play gospel music (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are). The only alternative is to buy newspapers or movies (for a standard 1 thou). These vendors be walking around with baggage on their hands you would think they were created to be forklifts, then Jah changed his mind, he said “fuck it, let it be a human”. Their arms be bursting with veins that look like chain saws as they carry around that mass heap of merchandise, even garbage trucks do less mugging work than these guys.
Telcom Engineers / Switch attendants;
These guys usually pint at Silk but do not tell you they have work on Sunday, anti they are posers like that, what with the branded pickups and blackberrys! They climb poles during the day and make reports on Sunday while checking if our networks are clear, but do not observe the day of the Sabbath, they probably think it’s a Jacuzzi bath tub kinda thingy, after theorizing it with their pie charts and exponential formulae…so they go to office instead to check the blinking thingies on the mast computer controls.
So we basically have these people to thank, along with smelly housegirls and lice infested gate keepers and the insanely broke private security askaris for keeping our Sundays alive. The rest who do no shit on Sunday, it’s time to pick a leaf, and these are;
Bloody Government employees – just driving around our cars to pick charcoal and shit.
Corporatal punks – Just because they said 8 to 5 Mon to Fri doesn’t mean you can’t work out of hours.
The buggers at Aristoc – Why the hell do they close on Sundays, as if we don’t want to read then!
Iguana bar – These punks don’t know that the best pint is on a Sunday, what’s with the closing?
Motorcyle freaks – Oba are they working when they ride to Entebbe beaches with bu chicks clinging on..
God – But u guy God, why don’t u solve the world’s problems when all the above are sleeping?
Well, as for me, the tables wont wait themselves, let me go see what this corporate punk wants!
Rolex sellers;
Coporatal chaps these days drink till morning (my advise to them is to go jump of a roof if they are looking for a faster way to kill themselves). They usually drive off at 6am and head straight to that rolex guy for that much needed fix, before they go home, sleep and return to the bar on a Sunday evening on that bullshit of “man we pushed till morna, it was 7 in the cocks when I walked out..….man we were super baalaaazzzedddd!!” These factors have created jobs on Sunday mornings for Sula’s competitors. And trust these guy’s street smarts, there is now a rolex with katogo in it, wa’gwan!!
Fake pastors;
These chaps are super busy on Sunday sowing seeds of empty after-life promises to unsuspecting members of the congregation who would not have lost their dimes if they had drunk ‘til 7 in the cocks’, and would only have spent 3k bucks on a katogo rolex other than the car log book and land title they have promised “Evangelist Apostle X” for that last spot in heaven (and a visa to the US while at it, and oh, a passport too before u 4get sir pastor)!
Service Industry employees;
From Cineplex to all shopping malls, Sunday is no rest day, that Sabbath shit of “respect the resting day” ended on that exam paper of CRE, of PLE. Nga u can see bu smart chicks climbing taxis at 7am and u think we are such a religious society, until the taxi passes the road going up to Christ the King Church and stops at Nandos where the bu chicks step off and head to Dominoes or Mateos and organize the aprons for work. Bosses who refuse to work on Sunday then stroll in and start yelling at the poor bu chicks “Customer is king”, fuck off u lazy boss, at least she woke up to work, cut her some slack, this ain’t yo office bitch, u are no king here!
Street Vendors;
For some reason, people be bored to death on Sundays, there is nothing to do at home. TV stations show live proceedings of church services / masses (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are) while radio stations play gospel music (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are). The only alternative is to buy newspapers or movies (for a standard 1 thou). These vendors be walking around with baggage on their hands you would think they were created to be forklifts, then Jah changed his mind, he said “fuck it, let it be a human”. Their arms be bursting with veins that look like chain saws as they carry around that mass heap of merchandise, even garbage trucks do less mugging work than these guys.
Telcom Engineers / Switch attendants;
These guys usually pint at Silk but do not tell you they have work on Sunday, anti they are posers like that, what with the branded pickups and blackberrys! They climb poles during the day and make reports on Sunday while checking if our networks are clear, but do not observe the day of the Sabbath, they probably think it’s a Jacuzzi bath tub kinda thingy, after theorizing it with their pie charts and exponential formulae…so they go to office instead to check the blinking thingies on the mast computer controls.
So we basically have these people to thank, along with smelly housegirls and lice infested gate keepers and the insanely broke private security askaris for keeping our Sundays alive. The rest who do no shit on Sunday, it’s time to pick a leaf, and these are;
Bloody Government employees – just driving around our cars to pick charcoal and shit.
Corporatal punks – Just because they said 8 to 5 Mon to Fri doesn’t mean you can’t work out of hours.
The buggers at Aristoc – Why the hell do they close on Sundays, as if we don’t want to read then!
Iguana bar – These punks don’t know that the best pint is on a Sunday, what’s with the closing?
Motorcyle freaks – Oba are they working when they ride to Entebbe beaches with bu chicks clinging on..
God – But u guy God, why don’t u solve the world’s problems when all the above are sleeping?
Well, as for me, the tables wont wait themselves, let me go see what this corporate punk wants!
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