It’s hard to get a grip on what exactly we are on earth for, but it usually comes down to dimes – after all is said and done, coz without it, we are pretty much nothing. At first we used to have barter trade, where a chap with groundnuts would trade them in for a piece of meat from that chap Galabuzi that used to rear goats, across the hill.
Valuers and brokers were not there those days, so it was hard for Galabuzi to tell how many groundnuts were of equal value to the goat’s liver, or how many kidneys he would trade in for already pounded groundnuts, or how many goat legs would be spared for roasted groundnuts.
Some geniuses then sat down and decided to introduce a fairer way of trading, by getting some rare kind of stones that were used to value stuff, they were known as pieces of silver, and for just 30 of them, you could trade Jesus to the crucifiers, just like Judas. This mode of payment then soon turned to paper, which when counted up to 5 million in Uganda shillings, trades in for a full vote on the removal of the presidential term limits per MP!
Apart from buying votes, this paper can also be used to get anything one wants in order to fulfil that other reason we are all on earth, to live / survive as long as possible, as long as you don’t gamble all yo life savings at a casino and throw yo broke self 3 floors down, cutting short yo journey through this intricate web called life. Every day therefore, humans wake up in a quest to find something that they can exchange for this paper, so they get to use it to find whatever they need. Without it, you are fucked!!
Several ways of finding this dime include sitting at a desk providing yo services for a company that offers stuff, and getting paid at the month’s end. The companies want to make as much as possible, because humans are programmed to never be satisfied, always yearning for more, and setting higher goals every quarter for the helpless sales people, a good and bad thing. People come up with ingenious ways to make this dime, and whenever they manage to scoop in more loot for the company, they are rewarded with more dimes, a term referred to as bonus.
When people get used to the dime they are getting, they usually want more, so because they have no other offer in terms of product, they turn into trickery, to fool you into paying them, quiet thuggery I call it. A very good one is known as “terms and conditions apply”.
With this illusion, chaps tell you they are giving you a very ballistic offer, you would only miss it if you were a fool. It’s like Galabuzi telling you he will give you a goat’s liver for just 2 spoons of groundnuts, but terms and conditions apply, then that’s where he messes u up. For example, a telecom company may……..ah, screw it, Warid may advertise that they have a new offer, Warid Pakalast n more, they call it. They will tell you that for just 1,500 bucks a day, u shall call any other Warid number for free, for 24 hours godamit, plus, here’s the big one, you shall call any other network for 50% of the original cost. So what are u waiting for, buy our sim card and start yapping till yo ear drums burst!! *Terms and conditions apply.
You will dash to the nearest phone shop, like Kagu rushing to the Kasubi tombs, no rioters will stop u, if they dare try, shoot the bastards, coz u gotta make these cheap calls. After removing that other sim card that was previously in yo phone, breaking it up to pieces like districts in Uganda, pouring mud on it like a freakin landslide, you load up the all new Warid number, fork out 1,500 bucks and load up the airtime, carefully counting the balance of 3,500 coz yo usual budget for airtime was 5,000 a day. You run to the nearest rolex dealership, ya, that ka container near the charcoal sellers along the road, and order 2 instead of the usual 1, coz u’ve just made a bargain of yo life! The rolex guy congratulates you on yo promotion at work, “way to go with the bonus punk, am also goin to be rich, long live the potholes and NRM”, just before you cut him short, and tell him to buy a warid sim IMMEDIATELY!!
After settling down, stomach full on 2 rolai..(plural of rolex), u sit on the couch and write down 20 numbers of chaps you are going to talk to, heck, even that teacher Mrs Mburugu of P3 needs to be congratulated for the work she put in helping shape yo previously pathetic existence. But the first call, goes to the former high school friend;
“tooot…..toooo…” goes the phone;
“Hello, gwe waaarrrruuuuupppppp, you won’t believe who is calling…guess who…..ah nawe, it’s not Mike…you guess….ok al give u a clue, I used to wear a green……”
“tooooooooooo…..sorry, your account balance is too low to make this call, please recharge to make another call!!” goes the chick who has just interrupted yo call.
Now u are all pissed, u dial that customer care number…..
“Thank you for calling Warid telecom….for purposes of firing our bullshit employees, this phone call shall be recorded, and because 2 of our employees had a kasiki last night, u shall be required to hold the line as the only one that showed up is updating her facebook profile, but be listening to our adverts in the mean time…”
“Do u Erick Mulalu take Cathy Mulala as yo faithful wife until pakalast does you part…….i do bitch I do…..anything for you warid…..”
“You are now….number….5 in the queue, our customer care bitch shall be with u shortly….anatha ad for yo bored self, let’s waste yo battery so u can charge and give UMEME more dimes for Bududa landslide victims…..”
“we have the clearest network coverage, not MTN, and we are in all parts of the country, unlike bullshit Orange, we are even in bloody Kisoro…”
“Hello, this is Christine, thank you for calling Warid, the clearest network in the country and originators of pakalast, the baddest shit to hit town since the kabiriti, how may I help you?”
“Madam, u said I have 50% off my calls to any network, how come I just spoke for 2 minutes and my airtime was over, I was calling Zain!!”
“Sir, that only applies to the “freedom per minute” and “freedom per second” subscribers, to activate this profile, send an sms to Warid, that’s part of our terms. Next time, just know that TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY….u simple bitch!!!”
The chaps who have however used this tool very effectively were known as Fly 540, a so-called low budget airline, with a fleet of kites! You remember those things we used to tie on a string and fly around when we were kids, yep, those are the Fly 540 planes. With a seating capacity of like 8 chaps, 2 of whom are the pilots / air hostesses coz they pass the pints to ALL passengers while still on their seats, they advertised a magnificent 70 $ flight from Entebbe to Nairobi. Okay, they take 50 passengers, but on their ads, u would think they have a freakin jumbo.
Chaps were seen rushing to the immigration office to get passport application forms, suffering at the RDC’s office for that crucial final stamp of approval, bribing go-betweens with as much as 250 thou bucks to get their itchy fingers on that magic book, the passport, so they could fly to Nairobi just to see the tarmac on their airport, and fly back on the return flight 2 hours later, for just 70$!!! “Fuck KQ and their 380$ bullshit”, they wailed.
After packing their breakfast, they headed right to the airport “u broke askari, can u direct me to the Fly 540 desk?? U broke man u!! Am flying to Nairobi for business, as u can see, maybe al employ u when I return”, they screamed at the helpless airport guards.
On reaching the Fly 540 desk, they were like “hey cutie, maybe we shall go out to dinner after I return from business eh!! So anyways, here’s the 70$, crisp new notes u can see, get me that ticket, am late for my meeting, I think Branson should be waiting!! Faster, am on time bitch!!”
“Sir, the ticket costs 70$, the airport tax is 140$ and tax on insurance for the flight is 10$ sir, so that’ll be 250$........Sir!!!”
“What????? The billboard clearly said 70$!!! Get me yo supervisor, u incompetent misinformed bitch!!”
“Sir, u may not have recognised the very very very very small disclaimer we put at the bottom of that ad, let me spell it out for you now…..TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY…..BITCH!!!”
Now the apologetic lumpen has to cancel the proposed meal plans with ticket girl, and change that dime back to Ug shillings so he can catch a cab to Entebbe town, and hop onto those buses of 800/= back to Kla. Now he has to pay that loan he used for bribing the immigration chaps for the passport. Now he has to tell the people in the village that had escorted him to the airport that somehow the flight was cancelled…..at the very last minute!!
Ads………daylight robbers!! Nothing’s too good to be true.
Friday, April 2, 2010
When fuel gets scarce!!
When fuel gets scarce, pump attendants become the most sought after commodities. These guys be so wanted, they should be advised to launch an album or something, cash in on the popularity before Chameleon releases yet another song with the exact same beat!!
These chap’s phones be ringing every second, guys saying “boss, please keep for me fuel in a jerry can, I swear this time al pay, it’s not like those days”, and the reply is always “boss, the mafuta is finish!! Only oils for car and battery and tyres at station”.
Kampala residents then start doing the most bullshit thing since electing that punk for Mayor…….driving aimlessly around. Ok, it’s not aimless, seeing as they are looking for fuel, but what baffles the mind is, even the little fuel left is being burnt up!
As car owners roam around, their sights are set on every gas station. The assumption is that a station that has a queue of at least 3 salon cars, has fuel, even if the chaps are waiting for stuff from the supermarket, we just wait in line.
Gone are the days when Kla chaps were complaining, writing everyday in the papers “petrol stations are TOO MANY!! KCC should do something about licensing these useless businesses”. Funny, now we are wishing there were more!
At a gas station, a chap drives there with a quarter tank left, but he sees a long queue, probably 9 cars, so he joins. The slow drive to the pump means he uses almost half of the quarter tank, only to get just 1 car next in line, then the pump guy crosses his arms “no fuel”. U start wishing we were riding donkeys, what’s the cost, water??
During the bad days after the Kenya election, a single fuel truck would come into the country. Boda riders would follow the truck like flies on a KCC garbage truck! When it would park at a station, their phones were busy, informing everyone of this new discovery of a scarce resource. Within minutes, 50 cars would be parked at the station while the truck is still manoeuvring a proper parking position. Guys would be fighting to form a queue, to the point of almost exchanging blows. This time round however, its been better.
What baffles everyone however is why this fuel scarcity shit keeps happening. Idi Amin, vilified for killing chaps and named as the hugest monster that ever happened to Uganda, had the sense to build huge fuel reserve tanks in Jinja, that store up to 2 million liters of fuel, that can last us 3 days, as the shortage issues are being sorted out, and not at the bad price of 7,000 bucks as it is today in some places.
This government is so pissed off with Amin and anything he did, that they have decided to never use these reserve tanks. The only future thing they will ever want to yap about is “2011 elections and how we shall win” not “how we shall avert a fuel crisis in future”.
Ah what the heck, the usual easter messages shall be coming in from “religious leaders” with the same stuff of “end poverty, fight hunger, end corruption, stop sinning”, maybe they should add in a ka “start using the fuel reserves…….punks!!”
These chap’s phones be ringing every second, guys saying “boss, please keep for me fuel in a jerry can, I swear this time al pay, it’s not like those days”, and the reply is always “boss, the mafuta is finish!! Only oils for car and battery and tyres at station”.
Kampala residents then start doing the most bullshit thing since electing that punk for Mayor…….driving aimlessly around. Ok, it’s not aimless, seeing as they are looking for fuel, but what baffles the mind is, even the little fuel left is being burnt up!
As car owners roam around, their sights are set on every gas station. The assumption is that a station that has a queue of at least 3 salon cars, has fuel, even if the chaps are waiting for stuff from the supermarket, we just wait in line.
Gone are the days when Kla chaps were complaining, writing everyday in the papers “petrol stations are TOO MANY!! KCC should do something about licensing these useless businesses”. Funny, now we are wishing there were more!
At a gas station, a chap drives there with a quarter tank left, but he sees a long queue, probably 9 cars, so he joins. The slow drive to the pump means he uses almost half of the quarter tank, only to get just 1 car next in line, then the pump guy crosses his arms “no fuel”. U start wishing we were riding donkeys, what’s the cost, water??
During the bad days after the Kenya election, a single fuel truck would come into the country. Boda riders would follow the truck like flies on a KCC garbage truck! When it would park at a station, their phones were busy, informing everyone of this new discovery of a scarce resource. Within minutes, 50 cars would be parked at the station while the truck is still manoeuvring a proper parking position. Guys would be fighting to form a queue, to the point of almost exchanging blows. This time round however, its been better.
What baffles everyone however is why this fuel scarcity shit keeps happening. Idi Amin, vilified for killing chaps and named as the hugest monster that ever happened to Uganda, had the sense to build huge fuel reserve tanks in Jinja, that store up to 2 million liters of fuel, that can last us 3 days, as the shortage issues are being sorted out, and not at the bad price of 7,000 bucks as it is today in some places.
This government is so pissed off with Amin and anything he did, that they have decided to never use these reserve tanks. The only future thing they will ever want to yap about is “2011 elections and how we shall win” not “how we shall avert a fuel crisis in future”.
Ah what the heck, the usual easter messages shall be coming in from “religious leaders” with the same stuff of “end poverty, fight hunger, end corruption, stop sinning”, maybe they should add in a ka “start using the fuel reserves…….punks!!”
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
U ate the apple.....go ye forth and toil!!
It all starts with some guy in a garden, probably full of apple trees, and this chick, ballistic like chocolate ice cream, just bored, wondering around doin' nadda! Then the slithering object, named snake, wanting some action since Pastro Sempa wasn't available to show porn, tells the guy to eat an apple, which would not only "enlarge his manhood", but also show him "how to make her scream", like some dirty poster on a Kampala street pole!
After the snake had enjoyed watching a free porn flick, the big guy, aka Gad (according to some chap named Kayanja) was pissed off with these displays of affection, and sent these guys to "earth" where they would toil, riot, burn up tombs and shoot each other, for eternity. All this shit, just because of a chow.....recently, according to Mr Pryor, Gad showed up in town, and went straight to the Pope's crib, and started asking him questions....
"Erm, my man, there's a chap named Martin Luther King, he used to send me nice prayers, where is he, I want to see the guy..."
"Erm, he was shot dead, by one of us!"
"Well, fine then, send me some chap named Kennedy, he had some nice prayers too...."
"Erm, he was shot dead too sir..."
"Okay, what about this guy....er, Mahatma Ghandi, I loved his stuff.."
"Sir, he was also shot dead..."
"What?? All the guys with nice prayers were shot dead? It wasn't even my angels that decided?? Okay fine, let me just see my son....I sent him down here too..."
*Richard Pryor
Part of the "toiling" prescribed by Gad, involves us doing shit coz we got too much knowledge. Greed takes over, like the chaps that committed the Rwanda genocide, the chaps that incited the Kenyans to panga themselves after the elections, and now the chaps trying to incite the baganda against the rest. The buganda parliament has now called for an inquiry not only on the Kasubi tombs fires, but also the Budo fires and the Mutukula train fires of the late 80's. They fell just short of calling for an inquiry of the Namugongo matyrs fires (according to the Interior Minister) and also an independent inquiry into the fire that Moses saw, the burning bush that told him to take his smelly shoes off before approaching "Gad".
Aside from the "political" toiling, we civilians are subjected to harsh conditions of life, known as "corporate" bullshit. The advanced world has "9 to 5" jobs, while we here have to report by 7.59 am to like 6.30 pm, and only have nice ID's to show for it.
While at work, the torture continues....
1 - Cliques - There will always be the fellas that attended so called "top schools" like SMACK, Namilyango and Budo. The Budo fellaz will always hang at their own table at lunch time at the staff cafeteria,and STRICTLY get their information from "Time", "Economist" and "Newsweek" which they download from their "iPhones". Last week, these lumpens were discussing the "Obama Health reform Bill" while the "others" were discussing the Kasubi tomb fires and it's effect on how we shall go home if there are riots. Budo chaps were like (in axa) "what's this kasuuubee shit?"
2 - It's all about me - Chaps will always give you a piece of their minds - like u give a shit! A guy will tell you how he is fasting chows till easter.....like we care! Lumpens like this are trying to show how macho they are, advertising their private lives (or lack of) as if we asked, and you have to hang with them because the Human Resource Department has introduced a "team building exercise" where you have to know the co-worker better, as if the torture of being around the clown from 8 am to 7 bloody pm aint enough!
3 - The boss who's jokes are always funny - Ever realise how when a boss says anything, we (slaves) laugh? Boss is like "man, last night i slept at 1am, i wish i was still young like you guys, i would have slept at 3 am, in my days, i was a gangster..." "hahahahahahahahahaha, boss, nga u are funny!" The shit we do just to live! Real "toiling i tell ya".
4 - The "organigram" - "Look you little punk, you shall report to the regional sales manager, if he is not there, that's when you shall look for the Sales manager, but never, i repeat, NEVER go to the Sales Manager without going thru yo immediate boss....kapish????...and oh, never look at the Sales manager directly in the eyes, that's a show of defiance, he is a king to you, if his tombs ever get burnt...oh wait, once he has left office, u are safe"
5 - Access levels - The IT chap hands you an ID, it only lets you in doors from the 1st floor to the 3rd floor, coz that's where you diploma holders stop. If you go to the 4th floor before a clearance, u shall duly receive a warning letter from yo superiors, well that's unless you are a chick and the 4th floor Sales Manager has "lent" you his card, which he forgot in yo bedroom!!
6 - Statutory deductions - After the interview, you told your mom you could now afford the 6 million shilling car she wanted, if only she can wait just 10 months, coz you was earning 600,000 bucks a month godamit."....SCREEECHH...HALT!" Screams the company accountant! Well, we have to remove 5% NSSF, 30% PAYE, 5,000 Local Service tax....blah blah. Your dime is actually 410,000 a month, sorry for the previous misinformation, luckily, u have already signed a 7 year contract!! Oops!!
7 - Ah what the heck, we were sent to toil, and toil we shall (and whine about it like we have shit else to do). No wonder we hate snakes!!
But there's an option, play Go Lotto, scatch MTN airtime of 2k a day and win the freakin house outright, buy a Celtel sim card and win the fridge to put in the house u won from MTN, marry Sam Kuteesa's daughter, open a Stanbic account and win a trip to South Africa fro the world cup then marry a white chick while there......e.t.c
After the snake had enjoyed watching a free porn flick, the big guy, aka Gad (according to some chap named Kayanja) was pissed off with these displays of affection, and sent these guys to "earth" where they would toil, riot, burn up tombs and shoot each other, for eternity. All this shit, just because of a chow.....recently, according to Mr Pryor, Gad showed up in town, and went straight to the Pope's crib, and started asking him questions....
"Erm, my man, there's a chap named Martin Luther King, he used to send me nice prayers, where is he, I want to see the guy..."
"Erm, he was shot dead, by one of us!"
"Well, fine then, send me some chap named Kennedy, he had some nice prayers too...."
"Erm, he was shot dead too sir..."
"Okay, what about this guy....er, Mahatma Ghandi, I loved his stuff.."
"Sir, he was also shot dead..."
"What?? All the guys with nice prayers were shot dead? It wasn't even my angels that decided?? Okay fine, let me just see my son....I sent him down here too..."
*Richard Pryor
Part of the "toiling" prescribed by Gad, involves us doing shit coz we got too much knowledge. Greed takes over, like the chaps that committed the Rwanda genocide, the chaps that incited the Kenyans to panga themselves after the elections, and now the chaps trying to incite the baganda against the rest. The buganda parliament has now called for an inquiry not only on the Kasubi tombs fires, but also the Budo fires and the Mutukula train fires of the late 80's. They fell just short of calling for an inquiry of the Namugongo matyrs fires (according to the Interior Minister) and also an independent inquiry into the fire that Moses saw, the burning bush that told him to take his smelly shoes off before approaching "Gad".
Aside from the "political" toiling, we civilians are subjected to harsh conditions of life, known as "corporate" bullshit. The advanced world has "9 to 5" jobs, while we here have to report by 7.59 am to like 6.30 pm, and only have nice ID's to show for it.
While at work, the torture continues....
1 - Cliques - There will always be the fellas that attended so called "top schools" like SMACK, Namilyango and Budo. The Budo fellaz will always hang at their own table at lunch time at the staff cafeteria,and STRICTLY get their information from "Time", "Economist" and "Newsweek" which they download from their "iPhones". Last week, these lumpens were discussing the "Obama Health reform Bill" while the "others" were discussing the Kasubi tomb fires and it's effect on how we shall go home if there are riots. Budo chaps were like (in axa) "what's this kasuuubee shit?"
2 - It's all about me - Chaps will always give you a piece of their minds - like u give a shit! A guy will tell you how he is fasting chows till easter.....like we care! Lumpens like this are trying to show how macho they are, advertising their private lives (or lack of) as if we asked, and you have to hang with them because the Human Resource Department has introduced a "team building exercise" where you have to know the co-worker better, as if the torture of being around the clown from 8 am to 7 bloody pm aint enough!
3 - The boss who's jokes are always funny - Ever realise how when a boss says anything, we (slaves) laugh? Boss is like "man, last night i slept at 1am, i wish i was still young like you guys, i would have slept at 3 am, in my days, i was a gangster..." "hahahahahahahahahaha, boss, nga u are funny!" The shit we do just to live! Real "toiling i tell ya".
4 - The "organigram" - "Look you little punk, you shall report to the regional sales manager, if he is not there, that's when you shall look for the Sales manager, but never, i repeat, NEVER go to the Sales Manager without going thru yo immediate boss....kapish????...and oh, never look at the Sales manager directly in the eyes, that's a show of defiance, he is a king to you, if his tombs ever get burnt...oh wait, once he has left office, u are safe"
5 - Access levels - The IT chap hands you an ID, it only lets you in doors from the 1st floor to the 3rd floor, coz that's where you diploma holders stop. If you go to the 4th floor before a clearance, u shall duly receive a warning letter from yo superiors, well that's unless you are a chick and the 4th floor Sales Manager has "lent" you his card, which he forgot in yo bedroom!!
6 - Statutory deductions - After the interview, you told your mom you could now afford the 6 million shilling car she wanted, if only she can wait just 10 months, coz you was earning 600,000 bucks a month godamit."....SCREEECHH...HALT!" Screams the company accountant! Well, we have to remove 5% NSSF, 30% PAYE, 5,000 Local Service tax....blah blah. Your dime is actually 410,000 a month, sorry for the previous misinformation, luckily, u have already signed a 7 year contract!! Oops!!
7 - Ah what the heck, we were sent to toil, and toil we shall (and whine about it like we have shit else to do). No wonder we hate snakes!!
But there's an option, play Go Lotto, scatch MTN airtime of 2k a day and win the freakin house outright, buy a Celtel sim card and win the fridge to put in the house u won from MTN, marry Sam Kuteesa's daughter, open a Stanbic account and win a trip to South Africa fro the world cup then marry a white chick while there......e.t.c
Statistics....
Statistitians: Chaps that play around with figures and then give us the deadly "findings".
Never play with these chaps, the stuff they say is usually "as if true", until the day another one of them finds otherwise. They will tell you of heavy words like "methodology", which were not even used in the bible, the most complex book of 'em all. They be like "these findings were got through the "methodology" of interviews, both oral and written, plus a small amount of "observation" from the sidelines. How they come up with the percentages however, is anatha story.
Most statistics are scaringly true, for example, 97.3 percent of humans are likely to get cancer, that way, however much you work out, amass dimes, own cars with only airbags and shit, Dr Death will figure out a certain cancer to throw at yo "careful" ass!
Apparently, more than 50% of humans live in poverty, so it's not just me, phewks, relief!
The statisticians I have TOTALLY failed to understand are those that are based at the "Statistics Division" of Kfm International University of radio stuff. These unapologetic punks forge all sorts of statistics and advertise them with impunity, no apologies, as if they are an African government! Their statiticians have figured that "methodology" might be a word that relates to hard stuff like Biology and stuff, they sound alike anyway. So they came up with their own way of presenting "facts", but these facts are SUPPOSED to rhyme with the number of their fm frequency channel, 93.3! Pur example,
93.3% of people know Micheal Jackson......
6.7% of the rest don't eat biscuits......
Kfm....playing the best music....and blah blah..
Question 1 - how did you know this stuff?
2 - What does that ad even mean?
The chap who came up with the "one out of 10 people are mad" is also astounding. How did he know this shit? Maybe he was chilling at Zone 7, and he sat at every table with ten chaps, and figured 1 of them always said some crazy shit, like "my mom's a real bitch, can u believe the shit she asked me to do today....mbu take her to visit some relas.....", now that's the crazy fella, out of the 9 others, and voila, a statistic!
Some other statistics to muse over, by this ballistic statistician from near Kfm;
1 - 100% of humans will die at least once in their lifetime.
2 - 99% of humans live only on oxygen, 0 % inhale CO2. Bobi Swine (1%), inhales weed smoke.
3 - 100% of politicians will break 98% of their promises. 2% will be achieved by mistake.
4 - 90% of taxi operators never shower.......for 4 straight months!
5 - 99% of Budo fellows will mention "budonian" at least 23 times a day.
6 - 98% of Warid subscribers are there for the free calls, 2% work there, it's unfortunately compulsory.
7 - 95% of houseboys have ever used insecticide as a deodorant.
8 - 98% of chicks can't reverse park! 2% that do, were once men!
9 - 94% of men who buy red pepper do so for the pictures!
10 - And finally........100% of chicks have a pink pillow.....or not!!
Never play with these chaps, the stuff they say is usually "as if true", until the day another one of them finds otherwise. They will tell you of heavy words like "methodology", which were not even used in the bible, the most complex book of 'em all. They be like "these findings were got through the "methodology" of interviews, both oral and written, plus a small amount of "observation" from the sidelines. How they come up with the percentages however, is anatha story.
Most statistics are scaringly true, for example, 97.3 percent of humans are likely to get cancer, that way, however much you work out, amass dimes, own cars with only airbags and shit, Dr Death will figure out a certain cancer to throw at yo "careful" ass!
Apparently, more than 50% of humans live in poverty, so it's not just me, phewks, relief!
The statisticians I have TOTALLY failed to understand are those that are based at the "Statistics Division" of Kfm International University of radio stuff. These unapologetic punks forge all sorts of statistics and advertise them with impunity, no apologies, as if they are an African government! Their statiticians have figured that "methodology" might be a word that relates to hard stuff like Biology and stuff, they sound alike anyway. So they came up with their own way of presenting "facts", but these facts are SUPPOSED to rhyme with the number of their fm frequency channel, 93.3! Pur example,
93.3% of people know Micheal Jackson......
6.7% of the rest don't eat biscuits......
Kfm....playing the best music....and blah blah..
Question 1 - how did you know this stuff?
2 - What does that ad even mean?
The chap who came up with the "one out of 10 people are mad" is also astounding. How did he know this shit? Maybe he was chilling at Zone 7, and he sat at every table with ten chaps, and figured 1 of them always said some crazy shit, like "my mom's a real bitch, can u believe the shit she asked me to do today....mbu take her to visit some relas.....", now that's the crazy fella, out of the 9 others, and voila, a statistic!
Some other statistics to muse over, by this ballistic statistician from near Kfm;
1 - 100% of humans will die at least once in their lifetime.
2 - 99% of humans live only on oxygen, 0 % inhale CO2. Bobi Swine (1%), inhales weed smoke.
3 - 100% of politicians will break 98% of their promises. 2% will be achieved by mistake.
4 - 90% of taxi operators never shower.......for 4 straight months!
5 - 99% of Budo fellows will mention "budonian" at least 23 times a day.
6 - 98% of Warid subscribers are there for the free calls, 2% work there, it's unfortunately compulsory.
7 - 95% of houseboys have ever used insecticide as a deodorant.
8 - 98% of chicks can't reverse park! 2% that do, were once men!
9 - 94% of men who buy red pepper do so for the pictures!
10 - And finally........100% of chicks have a pink pillow.....or not!!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Thesis!!
A thesis: A treatise advancing a new point of view resulting from research; usually a requirement for an advanced academic degree……and that’s according to that dictionary chap.
When Ashy said she was bogged down by this thesis thingy, I thought it was some religious stuff, but my friend encyclopaedia corrected me, stating that the religious thingy was theology, not thesis. As a professional lounger with a pass degree to show for it, the hardest work on paper I have ever had to do was called dissertation, and that cost me 70 thou bucks to get done with (that’s what I really worked hard for, the 70 thou!).
Since the Prez Museveni was recently given an honorary PhD from Makerere and Mugabe got his from some uni in Washington, I know I will also get a PhD without writing this intellectual stuff, heck, even Gordon Wavamunno, that chap that dropped out in P4 has a PhD, honorary of course, and they say money cant buy shit, this guy purchased a freakin PhD. In P5, we learnt that fish have gills, and since this Wavah chap never reached there, he has no freakin idea how fish breathe, he just knows it can come as fillet sometimes, but he has a Phd godamit!! All I need now is to figure a way to get dimes and I shall be a Doctor, or better yet, write my own thesis, and here’s what it’ll look like.
THE CO-RELATION BETWEEN PINTS AND IT’S
EFFECT ON THE TAX COLLECTED
BY
SOME CHAP THAT REALLY WANTS THIS DEGREE THINGY
A THESIS SUBMITED IN PARTIAL FULFILMENT / BUT IF SHIT JAMS,
IN TOTAL FULFILMENT, OF THE BALLISTIC PhD IN
QUANTIFIED BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS OF DRUNKARDS
AND THEIR EFFECTS ON THE ECONOMY, IN TERMS OF DIME
UNIVERSITY OF STUDIES, KATI KATI
2010
Approved by: Jackson, the head bar chap.
Abstract:
(the stuff that shall be subtracted from the main stuff, as if a ki summary)
The study shall show that the taxes collected from drunkards in form of the dime they spend buying pints fetches a ki surcharge of 18% VAT, plus the profit we pay the bar owning chaps that they shall return to u government punks as income tax at the year’s end, therefore closing our bars at 10pm affects you, silly mongoose legislators.
Table of contents:
Well, the table I am using right now has a laptop, calculator and a desk calendar, and oh, a ka glass with some pint in it. Those are the contents on my table.
List of figures:
There are no figures, just words.
Acknowledgements:
Well, where can I start. First off, ad like to send massive big ups to the crew that play ol skool videos at Iguana, ya’ll inspired me to stay up till late, and oh, just before I forget, ad like to send a shout out to the Professor of this Doctorate, u chap, u are too bright, u should take up a career in the Ministry of Finance and earn real dimes, why waste time lecturing and earning groundnuts, sorry, the word is peanuts. And as a by the way, I would also like to thank whoever paid fees for this damn course.
Glossary:
I will have a couple of apples, bread, milk and jam……shit, that’s grocery!! To be honest, I have no idea what a freakin glossary is, will just wait to get rich, and win this PhD outright, or better yet, start a guerrilla war and be on the path of Mugabe, I just wont kick out the white guys, coz the honorary degree is usually rescinded…phewks, finally, a big word, rescinded!
Appendix:
The thing that is usually cut out when we eat too many stones, which is why you should settle for packed rice like Tilda or Basmati, this shit in sacks from Nakasero market will mess u up, the doctor will be signing appendicitis on yo health form, ya, the one you shall be sending to AAR for a re-imbusrsment.
Chapter 1:
How pints create dimes;
During happy hour, research, my research which am printing right now so u give me heavy marks, has shown that Africans buy pints by the crate, which means 24 pints times 18% VAT goes to the government fund. Since this drunkard bugger shall be bored at the happy hour bar, he / she shall make a phone call for back up at the bar, where the phone company shall take 18% VAT on the call cost. His friend shall drive to the bar, but shall first buy fuel, where government earns 700/= off each liter he has paid for, bet u didn’t know that, professor guy! After this, in a state of highness, he shall want to go to Ange Noir to shake off the day’s stress, and thereafter, head home. Matter of fact, whenever there are riots, ONLY bars operate as usual, drunkards don’t give a shit, just like constipated people, they too don’t give a shit!
Now let’s look ate the highest sources of revenue to be stolen by government chaps, and see their relation to the story above;
1 – MTN pays the highest tax, because the drunkard called his buddies for a pint.
2 – Shell U pays second highest, because the drunkard drove to the bar and a disco.
3 – Nile Breweries squeezes in at number 3, no reason required.
4 – Ange Noir, surprisingly comes in before Caltex and Total, because of drunkards.
5 – Britania Industries – now where the hell have these juice and biscuit making punks come in from, spoiling the entire argument being dissected, freakin teetotallers!!
Chapter 2:
Professor, if you really can’t see how we drunkards are pushing this economy, then I give up. It’s all good, al buy yo stupid doctorate……wait what? you liked it? Am chooo chowiii I said it’s a stupid doctorate, I was playing. Now, if you can kindly send this thesis to those public fund – munching geese going to close our bars at 10 pm and advance our cause…..sench u punk! Now go read something, u have a new student coming in…am out!
When Ashy said she was bogged down by this thesis thingy, I thought it was some religious stuff, but my friend encyclopaedia corrected me, stating that the religious thingy was theology, not thesis. As a professional lounger with a pass degree to show for it, the hardest work on paper I have ever had to do was called dissertation, and that cost me 70 thou bucks to get done with (that’s what I really worked hard for, the 70 thou!).
Since the Prez Museveni was recently given an honorary PhD from Makerere and Mugabe got his from some uni in Washington, I know I will also get a PhD without writing this intellectual stuff, heck, even Gordon Wavamunno, that chap that dropped out in P4 has a PhD, honorary of course, and they say money cant buy shit, this guy purchased a freakin PhD. In P5, we learnt that fish have gills, and since this Wavah chap never reached there, he has no freakin idea how fish breathe, he just knows it can come as fillet sometimes, but he has a Phd godamit!! All I need now is to figure a way to get dimes and I shall be a Doctor, or better yet, write my own thesis, and here’s what it’ll look like.
THE CO-RELATION BETWEEN PINTS AND IT’S
EFFECT ON THE TAX COLLECTED
BY
SOME CHAP THAT REALLY WANTS THIS DEGREE THINGY
A THESIS SUBMITED IN PARTIAL FULFILMENT / BUT IF SHIT JAMS,
IN TOTAL FULFILMENT, OF THE BALLISTIC PhD IN
QUANTIFIED BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS OF DRUNKARDS
AND THEIR EFFECTS ON THE ECONOMY, IN TERMS OF DIME
UNIVERSITY OF STUDIES, KATI KATI
2010
Approved by: Jackson, the head bar chap.
Abstract:
(the stuff that shall be subtracted from the main stuff, as if a ki summary)
The study shall show that the taxes collected from drunkards in form of the dime they spend buying pints fetches a ki surcharge of 18% VAT, plus the profit we pay the bar owning chaps that they shall return to u government punks as income tax at the year’s end, therefore closing our bars at 10pm affects you, silly mongoose legislators.
Table of contents:
Well, the table I am using right now has a laptop, calculator and a desk calendar, and oh, a ka glass with some pint in it. Those are the contents on my table.
List of figures:
There are no figures, just words.
Acknowledgements:
Well, where can I start. First off, ad like to send massive big ups to the crew that play ol skool videos at Iguana, ya’ll inspired me to stay up till late, and oh, just before I forget, ad like to send a shout out to the Professor of this Doctorate, u chap, u are too bright, u should take up a career in the Ministry of Finance and earn real dimes, why waste time lecturing and earning groundnuts, sorry, the word is peanuts. And as a by the way, I would also like to thank whoever paid fees for this damn course.
Glossary:
I will have a couple of apples, bread, milk and jam……shit, that’s grocery!! To be honest, I have no idea what a freakin glossary is, will just wait to get rich, and win this PhD outright, or better yet, start a guerrilla war and be on the path of Mugabe, I just wont kick out the white guys, coz the honorary degree is usually rescinded…phewks, finally, a big word, rescinded!
Appendix:
The thing that is usually cut out when we eat too many stones, which is why you should settle for packed rice like Tilda or Basmati, this shit in sacks from Nakasero market will mess u up, the doctor will be signing appendicitis on yo health form, ya, the one you shall be sending to AAR for a re-imbusrsment.
Chapter 1:
How pints create dimes;
During happy hour, research, my research which am printing right now so u give me heavy marks, has shown that Africans buy pints by the crate, which means 24 pints times 18% VAT goes to the government fund. Since this drunkard bugger shall be bored at the happy hour bar, he / she shall make a phone call for back up at the bar, where the phone company shall take 18% VAT on the call cost. His friend shall drive to the bar, but shall first buy fuel, where government earns 700/= off each liter he has paid for, bet u didn’t know that, professor guy! After this, in a state of highness, he shall want to go to Ange Noir to shake off the day’s stress, and thereafter, head home. Matter of fact, whenever there are riots, ONLY bars operate as usual, drunkards don’t give a shit, just like constipated people, they too don’t give a shit!
Now let’s look ate the highest sources of revenue to be stolen by government chaps, and see their relation to the story above;
1 – MTN pays the highest tax, because the drunkard called his buddies for a pint.
2 – Shell U pays second highest, because the drunkard drove to the bar and a disco.
3 – Nile Breweries squeezes in at number 3, no reason required.
4 – Ange Noir, surprisingly comes in before Caltex and Total, because of drunkards.
5 – Britania Industries – now where the hell have these juice and biscuit making punks come in from, spoiling the entire argument being dissected, freakin teetotallers!!
Chapter 2:
Professor, if you really can’t see how we drunkards are pushing this economy, then I give up. It’s all good, al buy yo stupid doctorate……wait what? you liked it? Am chooo chowiii I said it’s a stupid doctorate, I was playing. Now, if you can kindly send this thesis to those public fund – munching geese going to close our bars at 10 pm and advance our cause…..sench u punk! Now go read something, u have a new student coming in…am out!
State of Affairs!!
Parliamentary Accounts Committee, a place where chaps are questioned and made to look like little children who have failed exams. Take for instance the appearance by the chap that dries himself with dimes after a shower, a one Sam Kuteesa,
MP: So tell me, young man, who authorised you to lease those cars, from a company that you used to own, but sold the shares just before you agreed to the deal?
SK: Chill out man, even the president was there….
MP: That’s not an answer punk…..
SK: I would like the ring leader of this circus to ask this particular MP not to even talk, he is extending Sembabule matters to CHOGM. This bugger called me a CHOGM goon just here here last week in front of the President!!! Can u imagine this shit!! In front of the President…..am here trying to get to heaven and u call me a thief in front of GOD??? Tell him to muzzle his nugget!
Ring leader of the circus: MP, u are out of order. I am therefore putting that MP seated next to you in charge of you, he is to contain you, like a hungry rottweiler that has just spotted a fresh pack of frankfurters! Go on CHOGM goon……sorry, honourable Minister..
SK: Anyway, me it wasn’t me…
Same thing happened when the VP was called up…..”it was the President!”
The circus is however amusing, considering that La Tormentor has failed to live up to it’s billing. The only free drama comes at news time.
The NFA boss, ya, that chap that secretly opened a bank under his bed, without a BOU licence, without the clearance from the Ministry of Finance, and had the audacity to make an opening deposit of 900 million shillings, with no taxes on the bank charges, was finally arrested, but for totally different shit…..he caused the government to lose 3.2 billion shillings, like that’s dime!! It’s still not known whether this includes the 900 million that was western unioned by the wife from the Universal Bank of Under the Bed to some un known destinations.
What the IGG is saying (he’s the chap that’s arresting the bushy fellow – he runs Forestry, he’s got to be bushy) that this Bank Founder entered a deal with some stray chaps, to help re-build some forests, it’s not known how this was going to be done, but general thinking tells us that this money was going to be used to probably buy used Christmas trees, those plastic ones from Game, and populate some forests with a new breed of trees.
Unfortunately, some technocrats, as they call these buggers, said this was no good deal, so it was cancelled!!
Shit!!!
That’s exactly what the guys who had lost the contract wailed, as they went to court.
Just before their lawyer set his left foot in the court premises, he heard a beep on his phone!
He checked it!!
It was the NFA boss!!
He called back!!
He was told to settle out of court, for a reasonable small fee of just 3.2 billion shillings!!
He accepted!!
They probably shared it, coz the IGG wasn’t on their shit of “the learned friends agreed…..” he probably suspected that the 900 million that was used to set up the “Universal Bank of under the bed” was maybe a kick back from this dime. These chaps didn’t even have the heart to spare some of this loot for “Sanyu Babies home” or the “Cancer ward”, they just chewed the dimes.
Which is why he is in prison, as we speak…..no, as we type!
But sadly, as the days rode by, some idiots went and burnt up the Kasubi tombs, like they had no other shit to do. Well, humans will stop at nothing to get whatever they want. Some guys, pissed off probably with the government, will do anything to cause trouble, like burn up a 125 year old structure. Why don’t they just burn up the billboards at the airstrip? They are like 2 years old, and make no freakin sense!
Out is out.
MP: So tell me, young man, who authorised you to lease those cars, from a company that you used to own, but sold the shares just before you agreed to the deal?
SK: Chill out man, even the president was there….
MP: That’s not an answer punk…..
SK: I would like the ring leader of this circus to ask this particular MP not to even talk, he is extending Sembabule matters to CHOGM. This bugger called me a CHOGM goon just here here last week in front of the President!!! Can u imagine this shit!! In front of the President…..am here trying to get to heaven and u call me a thief in front of GOD??? Tell him to muzzle his nugget!
Ring leader of the circus: MP, u are out of order. I am therefore putting that MP seated next to you in charge of you, he is to contain you, like a hungry rottweiler that has just spotted a fresh pack of frankfurters! Go on CHOGM goon……sorry, honourable Minister..
SK: Anyway, me it wasn’t me…
Same thing happened when the VP was called up…..”it was the President!”
The circus is however amusing, considering that La Tormentor has failed to live up to it’s billing. The only free drama comes at news time.
The NFA boss, ya, that chap that secretly opened a bank under his bed, without a BOU licence, without the clearance from the Ministry of Finance, and had the audacity to make an opening deposit of 900 million shillings, with no taxes on the bank charges, was finally arrested, but for totally different shit…..he caused the government to lose 3.2 billion shillings, like that’s dime!! It’s still not known whether this includes the 900 million that was western unioned by the wife from the Universal Bank of Under the Bed to some un known destinations.
What the IGG is saying (he’s the chap that’s arresting the bushy fellow – he runs Forestry, he’s got to be bushy) that this Bank Founder entered a deal with some stray chaps, to help re-build some forests, it’s not known how this was going to be done, but general thinking tells us that this money was going to be used to probably buy used Christmas trees, those plastic ones from Game, and populate some forests with a new breed of trees.
Unfortunately, some technocrats, as they call these buggers, said this was no good deal, so it was cancelled!!
Shit!!!
That’s exactly what the guys who had lost the contract wailed, as they went to court.
Just before their lawyer set his left foot in the court premises, he heard a beep on his phone!
He checked it!!
It was the NFA boss!!
He called back!!
He was told to settle out of court, for a reasonable small fee of just 3.2 billion shillings!!
He accepted!!
They probably shared it, coz the IGG wasn’t on their shit of “the learned friends agreed…..” he probably suspected that the 900 million that was used to set up the “Universal Bank of under the bed” was maybe a kick back from this dime. These chaps didn’t even have the heart to spare some of this loot for “Sanyu Babies home” or the “Cancer ward”, they just chewed the dimes.
Which is why he is in prison, as we speak…..no, as we type!
But sadly, as the days rode by, some idiots went and burnt up the Kasubi tombs, like they had no other shit to do. Well, humans will stop at nothing to get whatever they want. Some guys, pissed off probably with the government, will do anything to cause trouble, like burn up a 125 year old structure. Why don’t they just burn up the billboards at the airstrip? They are like 2 years old, and make no freakin sense!
Out is out.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Mo Money.....Mo Pints!!
Prices of common stuff are going high, like Bobi Wine after smoking his breakfast! And it ALL starts with fuel. Petrol has sky-rocketed to 2,700 bucks a liter, that’s a hell lot of dimes. Unbelievably, even punks that sell beer, a commodity whose cost prices last increased when the current President was serving his First term in office…..and that’s a freakin long time ago, have also raised their prices.
A silly bar out of town that barely gets 5 people everyday, is also selling a pint at almost 3,000 bucks, they should shut these bastards down at 10pm! But wait, at the Serena, a pint is 7,000 bucks, and that excludes the freakin tip! Shit…we’re dead!!
Watching NTV Kenya the other day (thanks largely to cable) was a parliamentary proceeding, the MP’s, who obviously knew they were on TV, and who obviously knew that cable had brought it to the living rooms of KIU, were “demanding” that the government slashes electricity tariffs, immediately, no those of those of sijui cabinet sub-committee going through the “demands” again! Unfortunately, NTV K had hired a muzungu man, with an accent that’s twice the heaviness of Seanice, that morning show host that says “duh” and “cant nobody do that no more”, giving us the false impression that we are in LA, just before a cloud of dust hits our eyes like a freaking mudslide with no water in it……erm, where was we, ah, the commentator on NTV Original, yes, he ripped into the MP’s like they do to government coffers, this character was like;
“First off, Kenya’s dam that has been producing elec since….well, about the 1940’s, has had the same capacity, meaning they had to bring in generators, which by the way use gas, that’s erm, diesll’ 'n shit. The increasing world prices of fuel mean that the cost of runnin these gensets shall obviously be high, unless of course the MP’s slash their salaries and this buys the fuel, which they obviously won’t…….”You could cut “Kenya” and paste “Uganda” and the exact same scenario would play out.
The price of fuel impacts on transport, coz lorries fetching those cows whose legs be dangerously dangling off the back of the truck, causes the price of meat to go up, and so does the charcoal and other stuff, meaning food becomes more expensive.
Taxi chaps also do the same, and landlords not wanting to miss out on this new craze, like thongs in the late 90’s, also increase prices. The only punks that NEVER join this bandwagon, for reasons we have failed to understand, are corporate bullshit employers and their contracts! So if you signed a 5 year contract to earn “………… (insert little dimes here) shillings per month before statutory deductions and any other bullshit losses you may cause the company, directly or indirectly through yo negligent and incompetent ass”, it wont matter that a beer used to cost 2,000 bucks when you joined the company and it’s now 3,000, just figure some other shit you have to sacrifice, for example u can lay off buying mobile phones for that ballistic campus chick named “Rihanna”, that’ll be a start! Go for “Getrude” instead, she’ll settle for a salon appointment at Wandegs, riot or no riot, and you are game. Plus, the whole salon experience will cost you just about 2,500 bucks, way less than a pint. I mean what the hell does Getrude need, just a charcoal stove and a freakin hot comb, and she'll feel twice as ballistic as that little “Rihanna” bitch, after having her hair, and bits of her scalp burnt like roasted pork at a stand outside Kyadondo rugby club! But word of advice,never let her use yo pillow, coz that hot-combed hair stinks like used socks godamit!! With some steam on 'em.....
Water, on the contrary, is the only commodity whose prices never seem to go up in a way that will impact on yo life….and yet some punks still default on water payments! How are u going to default on a monthly bill of 8,000 bucks? Seriously! U belong with rioters (and boda riders with no helmets, and diseases like "scabies", that shit of the 70's that just doesnt leave some lumpens alone)! That’s just 8 rolexes, and those don’t even have cabbages and stuff! And u default! And these are the guys u will find at Cineplex with 3 bu chicks, nga they don’t even have water at home. Sometimes they just use a roll on and go to work, u can usually sniff ‘em out at lunch time when the kasana has come out blazing like Nobert Mao thinking he has finally made it! If water had been expensive, it would have been hard for Jesus to turn it into wine, coz no one would be willing to give up their water “for some experiment by some stray magician guy”.
What if instead of oil, water was the thing? Only the chaps in Sudan would be suffering, oh and the Karamoja chaps too. That Ahmadinajad chap would never say “nuclear” in his life. Ghaddafi would be “the queen of queens” and the king of Bunyoro would never talk shit, mbu “the Ankole people should rise up for their kingdom!”. This chap was happy with the 1994 Pajero the government had given him, till they told him he had oil in his backyard. Heck, the chap was elected “the chairman of the kings” recently! The shit oil can do for ya!
If water used to power cars, chaps would be selling plots of water at the Pacific Ocean. Property masters would have an office in the middle of Lake Victoria. Taxi touts wouldn’t exist. The war over Migingo would be so on. Fish would be praying to God everyday “save us from extinction sir….the humans only think of themselves…those sons ‘o bitches!!”
Well, after all is said and done….money makes the world go round. However, unlike the popular saying, more money, more problems, wisely used, the saying is ammended (as if some parliamentary bullshit) to Mo Money Mo Pints!! But less electricity, and fewer campus chicks…..so spend wisely, before 10pm when the bars close!
A silly bar out of town that barely gets 5 people everyday, is also selling a pint at almost 3,000 bucks, they should shut these bastards down at 10pm! But wait, at the Serena, a pint is 7,000 bucks, and that excludes the freakin tip! Shit…we’re dead!!
Watching NTV Kenya the other day (thanks largely to cable) was a parliamentary proceeding, the MP’s, who obviously knew they were on TV, and who obviously knew that cable had brought it to the living rooms of KIU, were “demanding” that the government slashes electricity tariffs, immediately, no those of those of sijui cabinet sub-committee going through the “demands” again! Unfortunately, NTV K had hired a muzungu man, with an accent that’s twice the heaviness of Seanice, that morning show host that says “duh” and “cant nobody do that no more”, giving us the false impression that we are in LA, just before a cloud of dust hits our eyes like a freaking mudslide with no water in it……erm, where was we, ah, the commentator on NTV Original, yes, he ripped into the MP’s like they do to government coffers, this character was like;
“First off, Kenya’s dam that has been producing elec since….well, about the 1940’s, has had the same capacity, meaning they had to bring in generators, which by the way use gas, that’s erm, diesll’ 'n shit. The increasing world prices of fuel mean that the cost of runnin these gensets shall obviously be high, unless of course the MP’s slash their salaries and this buys the fuel, which they obviously won’t…….”You could cut “Kenya” and paste “Uganda” and the exact same scenario would play out.
The price of fuel impacts on transport, coz lorries fetching those cows whose legs be dangerously dangling off the back of the truck, causes the price of meat to go up, and so does the charcoal and other stuff, meaning food becomes more expensive.
Taxi chaps also do the same, and landlords not wanting to miss out on this new craze, like thongs in the late 90’s, also increase prices. The only punks that NEVER join this bandwagon, for reasons we have failed to understand, are corporate bullshit employers and their contracts! So if you signed a 5 year contract to earn “………… (insert little dimes here) shillings per month before statutory deductions and any other bullshit losses you may cause the company, directly or indirectly through yo negligent and incompetent ass”, it wont matter that a beer used to cost 2,000 bucks when you joined the company and it’s now 3,000, just figure some other shit you have to sacrifice, for example u can lay off buying mobile phones for that ballistic campus chick named “Rihanna”, that’ll be a start! Go for “Getrude” instead, she’ll settle for a salon appointment at Wandegs, riot or no riot, and you are game. Plus, the whole salon experience will cost you just about 2,500 bucks, way less than a pint. I mean what the hell does Getrude need, just a charcoal stove and a freakin hot comb, and she'll feel twice as ballistic as that little “Rihanna” bitch, after having her hair, and bits of her scalp burnt like roasted pork at a stand outside Kyadondo rugby club! But word of advice,never let her use yo pillow, coz that hot-combed hair stinks like used socks godamit!! With some steam on 'em.....
Water, on the contrary, is the only commodity whose prices never seem to go up in a way that will impact on yo life….and yet some punks still default on water payments! How are u going to default on a monthly bill of 8,000 bucks? Seriously! U belong with rioters (and boda riders with no helmets, and diseases like "scabies", that shit of the 70's that just doesnt leave some lumpens alone)! That’s just 8 rolexes, and those don’t even have cabbages and stuff! And u default! And these are the guys u will find at Cineplex with 3 bu chicks, nga they don’t even have water at home. Sometimes they just use a roll on and go to work, u can usually sniff ‘em out at lunch time when the kasana has come out blazing like Nobert Mao thinking he has finally made it! If water had been expensive, it would have been hard for Jesus to turn it into wine, coz no one would be willing to give up their water “for some experiment by some stray magician guy”.
What if instead of oil, water was the thing? Only the chaps in Sudan would be suffering, oh and the Karamoja chaps too. That Ahmadinajad chap would never say “nuclear” in his life. Ghaddafi would be “the queen of queens” and the king of Bunyoro would never talk shit, mbu “the Ankole people should rise up for their kingdom!”. This chap was happy with the 1994 Pajero the government had given him, till they told him he had oil in his backyard. Heck, the chap was elected “the chairman of the kings” recently! The shit oil can do for ya!
If water used to power cars, chaps would be selling plots of water at the Pacific Ocean. Property masters would have an office in the middle of Lake Victoria. Taxi touts wouldn’t exist. The war over Migingo would be so on. Fish would be praying to God everyday “save us from extinction sir….the humans only think of themselves…those sons ‘o bitches!!”
Well, after all is said and done….money makes the world go round. However, unlike the popular saying, more money, more problems, wisely used, the saying is ammended (as if some parliamentary bullshit) to Mo Money Mo Pints!! But less electricity, and fewer campus chicks…..so spend wisely, before 10pm when the bars close!
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