Motivational Keynote Forgers

There’s a new fad in town, and no, it’s not the KCCA buses with those cool number plates, I need to get me one o’ those, they are like personalized plates, “Baffudde”, though not quite, who do I bribe?

Anywho, the fad is “Motivational Speaking”, which like “Sunset Beach” in 1998, is catching the majority of dime seekers like the flu. Like Pastors who as businessmen (and women) failed to earn money importing women’s products like braids and settled for the more lucrative and tax free venture of spreading the word and rejecting coins while accumulating tithe and Range Rovers, business minded chaps have fallen for motivational speaking like they did for online forex trading, and it’s so easy to start up, for here’s the steps how;

1 – Go to Aristoc Booklex, preferably the Garden City branch, for unlike the one at the City Center, thou motivational self shall not be accosted by those dirty street begging 3 year olds that be wiping their noses with their bare skin- rash covered knuckles before attacking you physically by pulling on your trousers requiring you to relieve your pocket of a few coins before they can retract their rabid paws off your Gucci coverings, you motivator you! Got distracted there by that bad experience………………………anyway, once at Aristoc, look for that guy walking up and down the aisles like a research worker for Professor Barya gathering all sorts of info for his boss’s first authentic research project, for he aint no research worker, he is the book help. He will guide you to a big shelf called “Self Help”, and these invaluable books have all the info that you shall be dissecting to your audience, shit like “how to be a lovable boss” or “how to fire that bitch and start on your own”, just copy and paste the data, your audience hates books they won’t notice shit.

2 – Learn the art of forging mnemonics (it’s a hard word, it shows how brainy u are). For example, you, the brainiest motivator that ever lived, shall be invited to one of these large corporate organizations, coz their bored HR managers have learnt that workers need a talk once in a while. If the organization is involved in selling, let’s say airtime or bank account packages like those silly kid’s accounts, engage those workers with a forged mnemonic, for example, start by saying that “today’s theme for you is to be S.M.A.R.T, please open your catalogues made by our professional team, you are smart and you must have smart goals; Your personal smartness entails;

S – Smart (wear nice suits, and iron them well for God’s sake)

M – Motivated from within (think like this is your own company)

A – Ambitious (set yourself targets like they were stars, u’ll reach the clouds)

R – Reachable (move with your blackberry at all times)

T – Time conscious (bitch, never be late or you’ll lose your clients)

See how easy that shit was, then the next thing is to tell the gullible public to set their goals, tagets and ambitions based on the smart principle, for this is today’s theme, so here is how you should set them, they must be;

S – Specific (clear about what, where, when, which and whose; we call that the 5 W’s)

M – Measurable (able to quantify the targets and objectives)

A – Achievable (unlike A4C, please be realistic)

R – Realistic (unlike A4C, first look at the real life)

T – Time bound (like a new year’s resolution, this shyte must be accomplished by…….)

After dazzling these dwanzies with these insights only previously delivered by sages and King’s counsels in the royal courts of the earlier centuries, thou brainy self shall be invited to the military to give a motivational speech to the troops, just go to your MS Powerpoint and edit some shit;

“Salutations o ye brave ones, I bring you great news, you shall be SMART in your military objectives and what you do, your weapons too, you shall be;

S – Selective (do not shoot at civilians, select the enemy)

M – Medals (Be a hero, and earn at least a Nalubaale medal before you retire)

A – Ammunition (Choose only the best, fuck the Uzis, the AK47 is still the shyte)

R – Rank (do very good stuff, for your rank is your motivation)

T – Tactical (only retire and join FDC if u are really sure there is dimes, some colleagues are suffering)

And just like that, u can pick your cheque.

So for those guys that are paying 15,000/= per seat to get a dose of the above bullshit and a bottle of mineral water (not even that cool Rwenzori one, the ordinary Riham stuffs), how about u give me that dime and I forge for you what u want to hear……..not so?

For those on the other end of the stage that are delivering the speech, make new business cards and call yourself an “Accomplished Keynote Speaker”, and let the forging begin, see u in the bank.

Spoken Word Rwanda!! Floetry in Motion

It’s rare to come from “outside countries” and find that the “other country” is way cooler than yours. After having been fed on “propaganda” of how clean the city is and how well run it was, it was about time someone came over and saw the “lies” first hand.

The utterly baffled narrator was utterly baffled to find that not only was the “propaganda” true, but it kind of even went beyond expectations, I mean who puts Christmas lights in the tarmac roads to dazzle us in the night time?? They should have been removed on Boxing Day for God’s sakes!! Aren’t there people on load shedding that need this power? Do they even know what load shedding is??

What was even worse was that at 5pm, more bafflement-attacks kept hitting the narrator, for electricity was just not going off, what kind of world is this? There is power for more than 24 hours straight?? 2 weeks?? What gives?? And when it rains, where is all the garbage that is supposed to flow right in the middle of the road?? And where, pray tell, is the dust? These hankies were not bought for nothing damn it!!!

The best part of it all though, was the cultural aspect of the whole thing, a “Spoken Word” session, only previously heard of in “Russell Simmons Def Jam Poetry” DVD’s that we used to borrow, that’s immediately after washing our hands of the accumulated dust on the way to the video library.

On the Kampala scene (busted), the closest that comes to a poetry session is the “Lantern Meet of Poets” where one recites a poem then the rest of the chaps attending tear it down like a bone in the jaws of a hyena, “I believe your talents are better placed in a local shrine”, the “critic” would confidently yawn, like it were Pop Idols and there are 20 Simon Cowells, what about??

Spoken Word Rwanda, on the contrary, is nothing but love for any soul that dares entertain whoever is in the crowd, well at least you tried.

Occurring every other Wednesday at Shooters Club (it also has a bar), the sessions are interspersed with song and comic relief from some of the presenting crew, while a couple of sessionists usually put us right back in our places when they rhyme in French, leaving some members cursing why they opted for Commerce instead of the lingua while in Senior 2.

Created by a duo of 2 literary scholars, who happen to still be in the category of “youth”, the sessions are reaching fever pitch levels, even soccer games, the ultimate worshipping alter for any African character, are ignored like a mad lumpen on a city street drinking boiled paraffin, if they dare show while the session is in progress.

Lyricists on the night we showed face (pardon moi, never to remember names) spat rhymes like they were auditioning for a hip hop class act, with some memorable phrases like: “my ex-girlfreind should be an actress, unfortunately if she found out it was a job, she would blow it…..”, “like a rabid dog infected with rabies, al attack you with my love and infect you with babies….I put the star in start, I put the cute in execute”, “voulez vous couche avec moi, cest soi….”

The last verse is forged just to show how the lingua was changing, thank you Lady Marmalade singers.

So come next session, we shall be representing the city of black gold….er, black dust, sorry there mate, hoping the theme shall be one of these;

“Pot Holes and their positive effects on tyres”, “Qualifying tips for the African Cup of Nations”, “Bribery Re-loaded”, “Embezzlement Un-Cut”, “The Positive effects of Tear Gas”, or “How to rule ……. like forever”, we’ll be on point.

Out!!