Sunday, May 30, 2010

"Articulate punks!!"

In the course of our lives, some wise ass is always on the ready with a “saying” to show us how well educated his simple mind is, a couple of these “sayings” had me scurrying to the nearest cafĂ© to figure out what this he-bitch was yappin’ on about, coz he had hit me with one of those….”he who finds a bride finds bullshit companionship blah blah blah…..” to hell with him, let me also pose on you with my sayings, and their meanings;

A house is not a home – This was a phrase coined by some jealous punk that had just been to Jim Muhwezi’s Rukungiri crib!! He told this to his sons, and it later became a popular saying for poor people everywhere!

A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client – A cleverly coined phrase made by a committee of lawyers that want us “fools” to always hire their greedy asses!

A penny saved is a penny earned – This was made by some Karamajong chick that was bitch slapped by the Kasese woman MP at a police station, what about???

A person is known by the company he keeps – Shit, I ought to stop hanging with those bar waitresses at Bamboo nest!

A poor workman blames his tools – This was recently amended to “a poor wank-man blames his tool”

A prophet is not recognized in his own land – Kagu!

Action speaks louder than words – Riots are better than parliamentary debates…………if only this saying was true!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away – If only Adam hadn’t fallen for this shit….coz that’s what the snake told him while on a leisurely stroll in the garden of eden, next thing he knew, he was toiling and sweating like a common groundhog on earth!

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder – amended to “beauty lies in the eyes of the beer holder!”

Better late than never – The guiding principle at the Ministry of Works pot holes division!

Behind every great man there’s a great woman – And behind that great woman is the great man’s dimes!

Crime doesn’t pay – So your JOB is definitely criminal…..what? …..You have dimes?.... Ok am sorry!

Do as Jesus would do – Could you please turn this here glass of water to wine?...You can’t??..What would Jesus do?

Do unto other’s as you would have them do to you – Damn, if I was a chick, I would do unto me what I would want current me to do unto she…..am lost, but u get the drift!

Don’t let the bastards grind you down – That is surely me, and they are telling you!

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket – Use a sack, if the basket is small!

Empty vessels make the most noise – All politicians!

Everybody wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die – Nice one!

Seeing is believing – This is unfair to Stevie Wonder!

The best things in life are free – Fuck Nakumatt!

The cobbler always wears the worst shoes – hhmm, wonder why?

The good die young – Man, we are not good!

When in Rome, do as the Romans – Amended to “when in Rome, do the Romans!”

Youth is wasted on the young – NICE!!!

Bumper stickers!!

Who the hell is responsible for the rising number of bumper stickers in town? Especially the Jesus stuff! Boy, that stuff is misleading, I just be wishing accidents upon these chaps, peep this;
“This car is powered by the blood of Jesus” – what am trying to figure is, is it unleaded or premium or just plain ol’ kerosene mixed with blessed/holy water from Christ the King church? Oh wait driver, is the blood of Jesus that powers this car as expensive as regular fuel? 2,000/=? We are jealous!

“Baby on board” – In case you haven’t known, a proposal has been drafted in parliament to allow these bu school buses that ferry the little bundles of joy to and fro expensive Daffodils be given sirens and a right of way! So, if you be on the road and hear a siren, you have to pull over, but this time you will not see the usual “ambulance” or “Police”, but a big sticker “BABIES ON BOARD!!”

“Budonian” “Budo Parent” “Former student of Budo” “My sister is in Budo” “I drove past Budo” “I know the head cook of Budo” “I almost joined Budo” “My boss was in Budo”

This Budo thing caught chaps like the red eye! Now you will find “Proud to be associated with Lady Damali Nursery and Primary school”, you just be like “where the fuck is that??”

Some stickers are otherwise nice, u be there on a slow Monday morning and you read this shit and it just makes your day, heck, your week, and I have taken the liberty to copy them here, fuck copyright bullshit!

“I love animals…..they taste great!!”

“When I grow up, I want to be a Pajero” – Seen on a Toyota Starlet!

“He who laughs last…..thinks slowest!”

“Hard work pays off in future…..laziness pays off now!”

“Consciousness …… that annoying time between naps”

“I don’t suffer from insanity…..I enjoy every minute of it!”

“Where there’s a will….I want to be in it!”

“I want to walk a mile in his shoes….coz first of all, al have his shoes, and al be a mile away!”

“Few women admit their age…..few men act theirs”

“Women can fake an orgasm…..men fake ENTIRE relationships!”

“Make yourself at home….clean my kitchen!”

“It’s not hard to meet expenses…they are everywhere!”

“Judge – The person who determines who has a better lawyer!”

“Reality is the only obstacle to happiness!”

“I intend to live forever…so far so good!”

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Beefs!!!

Some people need to be castrated, even if they are female! Situations in life dictate that there are always laws and stuf that we have to follow at different times, and the buggers that tend to enforce these are the most fucked up people u’ll ever meet, because u, like most of us, hate to live by the rules. These are the punks!

1 – URA employees – People who work for this so called body, mbu tax body, but not body of Christ, will send shivers down the spine of any dime earning chap in town. These fuckers knock yo door down with freakin demand notes with not so nice words, one wonders how they vibe chicks….they usually send burly chaps with tight hugging t shirts to scare us into paying them dimes, they got to hit their targets u know! They be carrying around letters;

Re: Dear non-tax paying goon,

We have noticed that in the financial year 2006 to 2007, yo ass didn’t give Caesar what belonged, and if you are confused, I AM Caesar, u slow bitch!! Now, if you don’t comply within 7 days, we shall fine u more dimes than the total amount stolen by CHOGM officials, so do the damn thing now!

Footnote: URA – helping Govt officials access more dimes from you, for their houses, senk u!

2 – Customers – Those of us in the unofficial industry of “coordinating”, also known as hassling for dimes, hate the people who buy shit from us, especially African punks, being mean with their bu little dimes, can’t even buy freakin mosquito nets. Aaannyhooo, we be there hawking our stuff (including top of the range slippers, from Sadak), then we come across the customers, and here is how we suffer;

“ello boss, nice slippers here, u can even take them to work and people will think they are open shoes”

“how much?”

“6 souzand boss…”

“no way, what’s the last price??”

“That’s the last price!!!! U incompetent slipper buying punk!!”

What’s the deal with “last price”?? Chaps walk into Spear Motors and are told how the ML is 65 million before taxes and they be on that “last price” bullshit! So, we, yes, we the slipper peddlers, have come up with the ingenious method of asking for 10,000 bucks if we aim for 6! That way, when the punk starts asking for “last price”, we be like “SIX, and no going down!!

3 – Managers – These are the buggers that have their names in a box, a line above yo name, in that funny stuff called “organigram”. These are the chaps you pretend you have a heavy fever for, coz now u are paying from that Wednesday kasiki and cant show up to work, so u have to call this chap and beg him for forgiveness like the catholic priests that violated little choir boys’ innocent behinds!

The manager will first “let u know” that he didn’t climb that ladder to get where he is by falling sick, let alone pretending to be sick. He will then go ahead and give u ballistic lines he crammed from “the one minute manager” and then give u an ultimatum to show up “or else…..”

Unfortunately if u actually die, he shall represent the company at yo funeral to tell all how “there’s no better hard working man than this man laying here, why did God take him when he still had unfinished business re-structuring the Finance department…!

I hope Ashy doesn’t be on that stuff of “who do you like” coz if i tried that, it would make the dullest rant av ever attempted, let’s stick to the beefs! Innit Ms Drama?????

Friday, May 14, 2010

Break the law.......then bribe the law enforcer!!

Policemen are bullshit, except during those times when u are being robbed and call on them for help, but other than that, fuck ‘em!! This rant would have also been sponsored by anyone that drives.

So it was a cool Saturday afternnon, just driving around like it was a freakin music video (only that there are no chicks that pull up in a convertible when I stop at the traffic lights, only rowdy taxis trying to cut their way to the front, the pedestrian walking space), oh, where was we? Ah, driving! I knew full well that I had the old driving permit thingy, seeing as getting the card type costs a cool 120,000 bucks, WITHOUT the bribes / tips / facilitation you have to give to that “permit broker”, the idiot that has already-signed medical forms from the only approved KCC clinic to prove yo eyes were not damaged during the “red eye” outbreak, so u can see the road!

Anywhoo, with an old expired permit, yo brain as a driver knowing you shall be stopped anytime is as alert as a PGB chap assigned to guard the President’s favorite daughter, she gets a scratch, u are so dead!!! So, several tactics have to be applied, seeing as you shall be in this cat and mouse game for quite sometime. Here are some of the tricks;

• Only drive when it’s raining, these guys fear to ruin their white uniforms coz shit, they cant afford OMO, and freakin bar soap never removes the damn stains!

• Always look 100 meters ahead of you, if you see a cop, wait for a truck or pick up and drive close behind it, they always give these first priority!

• Talk on the phone while you drive by, as if u never saw the lumpen stopping you……then pray he doesn’t have a motorbike!

• Borrow your cousin’s ID, yep, that chap that works in CMI, and flash it as u drive past them as they try to pull u over!!

• Move with at least 5 thousand bucks, bribe the bastard!!

This Saturday however, shit was tight! The fuel was on E, and the gas station was a few meters from where this traffic punk was standing. A quick glance in the mirror confirmed the worst, no trucks pass this side, heck, there was no freakin car in sight, I was done in for, I was fucked, I was in shit!!! “Drive on punk, and try to look confident…..” I quickly re-assured my self.

The buggers hand went up, and on looking at the rear-view mirror, I knew it was me, no other car in sight, although I kept praying he was raising his hand to stop that chap that was walking by, but wapi!!

“me brodda, get me de driver’s pemitttt ello!!!”

“here u go sir”

“ello, did u know dat de ppemmitt expired…….long ago??”

“Sir, I must have left the new one in another car, this is my uncle’s car!!!”

“but ello, am going to give u de ticket!! What do u think??”

“Ok, just bring it, atte what can I do?”

“But u man, are u a Ugandan??? Kweli are you sure??? It seems u don’t understand how we do here!! De ticket iss 40 souzand, but I can make it go, if u understand?”

“ehhhhh, but I don’t understand!!”

“just bring what u have and we are all happy”

“I have 10 thousand, but as u can see, there is no fuel in the car”

“ahhhhh….kyoka u, I have change, just bring the money, but close the fist like this, they may see me!!”

“ok, first bring the balance….”

“but u dont trust me when I have saved u 40 saouzand, ello, u are being difficult!!”

“Ok here sir”

“Senk u, u are the responsible chitijenz we want……have a good day!!”

As I burst, I saw his hand go up……..another 5 thou in 5 minutes!!! Shit, am joining the freakin police!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Praise the departed!!

I really want to be alive when I die…sounds weird, don’t it?….but no, the thing is, am really so curious to know what people will say! Is it because of the fear of the unknown that we be singing praises for dead chaps like they never did an ounce of wrong?

Some people believe that these guys will return to haunt you, should you say some nasty shit, some however, like Richard Pryor, have other ideas, and here’s his sermon (in a preacher's voice);

“We are gathered here today, to pay our last respects, to the dearly departed…he was dearly, and now he’s departed, that’s why we call him the dearly departed, in other words, the nigger’s dead!! As you can see him laying here, av been here 3 days the boy aint moved a muscle, so I know the nigger’s dead! And it seems like death was quite a surprise to his ass, didn’t think you was ever gonna die did u? I told u about fuckin around what was goin to happen!...........However, he faced the ultimate test, as each mane, and womane, shall eventually face, and the ultimate test here, is whether or not u can survive death, that’s the ultimate test for yo ass aint it, and so far, don’t nobody we know, has ever passed this test, least of all this muthafucker laying here, and this boy wasn’t shit al tell you that, he owed the entire neighbourhood money, promised to pay back in drugs and shit, and if you think we goin to bury you with those diamonds on you got another thing coming……….”

In the past week, three “big men” have dearly departed, the Nigerian President, the former FUFA president and well, not necessarily a president but the guy in charge of our roads. During their times, no one really said anything good about these guys. The former FUFA guy was vilified all the way to prison by journalists, but the nice shit they have been writing about him lately makes you wonder whether this was the same person you thought you knew.

The Zimwe guy was blamed for the pathetic state of our roads and chaps were calling for all his contracts to be cancelled, but the way they all turned up at his burial…..

See, that’s why I want to be alive when I die, so I se what these punks will say…I know I have your dimes, but be prepared to say I was the most honest man u had ever seen…..i sent late night messages to your wife but I know u’ll say my own wife could never have asked for a better husband……..i stole government dimes and you dropped me from the government but I know u’ll say I was the most patriotic Ugandan u’d ever seen, always ready for duty whenever the country called.

The shit we do for the dearly departed!!

Punk's day!!! (that's me folks!!)

Just when we were wheezing in relief that Easter and all it’s bunnies / eggs were behind us, the marketing honchos at all major shopping stores quickly sat down in their boardrooms and connected to their teleconference TVs, thanks to Cisco networks, and decided they needed a very fast scam to get people shopping soon, or they wont be able to get those usual bonuses.

At the end of one table was the Walmart CEO, in the screen were three partitions with major representatives from the other large retailers, UCHUMI, Nakumatt and Woolworths. The first point on the agenda was to thank whoever came up with the idea of God and his son’s birthday, and how he resurrected, hence more shopping on christmas and easter, but now they urgently needed more dimes. The woolworths’s guy said that in Africa, people have too much love for their mothers, so why not make a mother’s day, and it shouldn’t, he repeats, it shouldn’t, be on the same day as women’s day, that has it’s own shopping lists.

Before we knew it, the chaps from Hallmark, the largest card making factory was in cahoots with flower growers to create a love day, and name it after a saint, a catholic whose morals dictate he doesn’t see a single chick in his entire miserable life of compassion and prayer stuffs, but instead banished to a world of masturbation and glancing at choir chicks…..but no, he was a saint of love, what an irony!

But wait, all the males were pissed, what about father’s? “k , here u go, a father’s day too!”.
The role of the chaps in the boardroom was to concoct these days, then pass the idea down to marketing, where that overzealous marketer that wants his “employee of the month” picture up on the company wall for 3 straight months is given the task of confusing the masses. He first dashes off to ZK advertising where they put up a concept;

The concept:

Make people feel AS GUILTY as possible for ignoring their mothers, something like “she has been there for you since inception, she washed your stinking napkins and went days on end to ensure you had the best nurture she could offer, this is the right time to give back, buy a full mother’s day gift pack, complete with a sweet card at Nakumatt, offer is on this week till Sunday, mother’s day, at only 200,000 shillings, terms and conditions apply!!!”

Even restaurants have jumped into this bandwagon. Kisimenti restaurants that usually sell a buffet for 1 at just 40,000 bucks, taxes exclusive, now have “special” mother’s day treats, heck, even Bebe freakin Fool has a mother’s day concert….what gives???

I hope everyone has a mother’s day everyday, what’s this shit of waiting for supermarkets to remind us! When I finally join “Shell Select” chain of supermarkets, anticipate the following days:
“Side Girlfriend’s day – new hideouts shall be unveiled to all ye married folk!”

“Corruption free day – The government will shut down on this day, and buy apples for the poor citizens”

“Chicks who work at night day – Nurses, shop attendants, employees of call centers (those telephone punks), night watch women (how don’t they rape these chicks? Oh, they have guns)”

“People who work on Sunday’s day – unfortunate tellers at Kikuubo bank branches, choir members of boring catholic churches, pump attendants, taxi lumpens – shop free “safi” drinks, 1 to each of you”

My supermarket ads will also involve some bullshit from Blueband, “mommy, mommy, can I take the blueband to Mike’s house??”……”why?”…..”because Mike is my beast friend, and he is shorter than me, so I want to give him some blueband so he can grow and he becomes tall like me…”….”ok tall punk, but bring it back when it’s done, daddy needs to grow tall in certain areas too!!” Then the catch phrase “Blueband, helping mothers REALLY celebrate mother’s day!”……or “Blueband, helping promote “best friend’s day!!”…..well, u get the point!!

Some James Brown floetry!!

This should be a first,
No shelling chaps,
Being nice at last,
But it’s not my shit,
Some James Brown shit,
Goes something like this,
I wanna talk to you about one of our
Most deadly
Killers in the country today

I had a dream the other night, and I
Was sittin' in my living room
Dozed off to sleep
So I start to dreamin'

I dreamed I walked in a place and
I saw a real strange, weird object
Standin' up talkin' to the people
And I found out it was Heroin
That deadly drug that go in your veins

He says:

I came to this country without a passport
Ever since then I've been hunted and sought

My little white grains are nothin' but waste
Soft and deadly and bitter to taste

I'm a world of power and all know it's true
Use me once and you'll know it, too

I can make a mere schoolboy forget his books
I can make a world-famous beauty neglect her looks

I can make a good man forsake his wife
Send a greedy man to prison for the rest of his life

I can make a man forsake his country and flag
Make a girl sell her body for a five-dollar bag

Some think my adventure's a joy and a thrill
But I'll put a gun in your hand and make you kill

In cellophane bags I've found my way
To heads of state and children at play

I'm financed in China, ran in Japan
I'm respected in Turkey and I'm legal in Siam

I take my addicts and make 'em steal, borrow, beg
Then they search for a vein in their arm or their leg

So, be you Italian, Jewish, Black or Mex
I can make the most virile of men forget their sex

So now, no, my man, you must (you know) do your best
To keep up your habit until your arrest

Now the police have taken you from under my wing
Do you think they dare defy me, I who am king'

Now, you must lie in that county jail
Where I can't get to you by visit or mail

So squirm -- with discomfort -- wiggle and cough (hack!)
Six days of madness, hah! You might throw me off

Curse me in name! Defy me in speech!
But you'd pick me up right no if I were in your reach

All through your sentence you've become resolved to your fate
Hear now! younng man and woman, I'll be waitin' at the gate

Don't be afraid, don't run! I'm not chased
Sure my name is Heroin! You'll be back for a taste

Behold, you're hooked!
Your foot is in the stirrup
And make -- haste!
Mount the steed!
And ride him well
For the white horse of heroin
Will ride you to Hell!
To Hell!
Will ride you to Hell!
Until you are dead!
Dead, brother! Dead!

This is a revolution of the mind
Get your mind together
And get away from drugs!
That's the man!


Now that's better than "get off the side dish"

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The goings on.....

The pursuit of happiness, also known as the pursuit of dimes (Will Smith agrees) has led to the absence from the blog, seeing as the focus had changed to unserious corporate bullshit (anything to live, right?) thank goodness for the inventor of “contracts”.

So what was happening…..oh, Olara Otunnu got a new shirt, FINALLY, and he went to the US to dry clean it for good luck, then Zimwe died, and we were quickly reminded that with him, were 8 billion bucks worth of road patch work contracts, so we brace ourselves for more torn tyres seeing as most roads are square patches of holes.

However, the killa has been chaps complaining endlessly that they are being robbed in taxis. The trick is, u get into a taxi, then the chaps tell u shut the door, so while u are at it, the check yo pockets and remove ALL the 2 thousand bucks you were carrying! These reports forced the police to leap into action, as they like to pose on us, and grab the 2 thousand buck stealing culprits.

It was announced, of the 8 or so chaps they caught yesterday, 6 were women!!!! What gives!!! What about??!!! Women??? Howly????

The police had earlier announced that the newest fad among criminals, the shit that’s in vogue amongst these people of vice, was gang raping. U be there just walking around some dark corner, then u get pounced on and forced into a sexual network with fellas with lice and jiggers, just like that.

Now, since we have recently discovered that chicks may be at the top of the food chain of criminal activity, I am personally going to those dark corners, to get raped by a chick…..now that would be a first!! This will be the first time in the history of history, that rape cases shall never be reported to the police! The IGP in his usual yearly briefings shall be like “we re happy to report that rape has gone down from 4,000 cases last year to only 3 this year, and they were all by the Goodlyfe crew”. Chaps will be lining up at those so-called dark spots waiting their turn to get raped by this band of criminal chicks!

As chicks are busy robbing us in taxis, the Cardinal, yep, the highest representative of God here in Uganda (not even the first lady who spoke to him and made her an MP can say stuff without going thru the cardinal) was recently overheard telling people to produce kids like rabbits.

“Family planning, what’s that shit??? Chow yourselves senseless at any given opportunity, and don’t dare take those funny pills. How come you are not complaining yet u were the seventh born, what if your parents stopped on 2, your lazy ass wouldn’t be here with us now!!”

Several parents with over 9 children suffering from funny diseases last heard of in a science class in Primary school, like freakin marusmus and kwashiakor were seen asking the Cardinal to ask God to send damn dimes for drugs. “If God wants us to have many children, then he must have a stock pile of drugs somewhere to maintain these unfortunate little punks”, they were heard complaining.

Oh shit, here comes that corporate punk that wants his report…………………………………

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