Sunday, November 30, 2008

Little Rascals!!

Its always easy to know when the little rascals are back for the holidays……….No no, sori, let me introduce the story again!!

Its always easy to know when the little buggers, the simple bastards, the cheap pumpkin heads are back for the holidays! First, there’s that un-ending traffic jam, then the whole town gets full of empty biscuit boxes and sweet covers, éclairs to be exact! This we usually tolerate, but our boiling points reach peak levels when the little nappy heads invade our bars; rugby club, Al Zawadi and Fat Boyz become scenes similar to a Lil Wayne video!

The little idiots always move in gangs, as if to scare the bar men to give in and offer 80% discounts on their favourite 80% alcohol-content liquor! They then proceed to the parking lots, or the middle of the road, in case the bar in question is Al Zawadi, from where they proceed to unleash a torrent of abuses to any chap who dares drive through the road!

The simple bastards then give themselves permission to break the empty bottles of the liquor they have been drinking, on any unlucky piece of metal, that could have previously gone by the name Mercedes, BMW or Toyota Corolla!

They yell out garbage like “lets go to Silo”, then all 20 of them squeeze into this tiny car, which usually has a message stuck on the rear of the seat belt “licensed to carry 4 passengers”, but not these lumpens, they somehow make miracles of the 20 thousand shillings they all have amongst them! How they get into Silk???? Still baffles the average corporate employee!

An average kid will buy 1 rwenzori mineral water, which he will cling on to, like his entire life depended on it, for an average of 4 hours, or just until he gets a break when u, yes u the rich one, decides to take a pee break, and then the rascal swoops in for the kill, that bit of the beer which u hadn’t poured into your glass yet, and scoop it off the table with the precision and speed that falcons and eagles use to catch their prey! His claws will cling onto his prize and his face will beam with a smile of a hyena that snatched a buffalo hoof from that lone lioness!! This scene was sooooo nice, it had to be explained in symbolism!! So now we can call them hyenas, vultures, wild animals!! They should be filmed for Nat Geo Wild, and screened on a Sunday afternoon with the rest of the planet’s deadliest animals, for that’s what they are!

A typical day’s life of the vulture goes thus;
4pm: “Dawg, waaaddduuuuppppp!!!!! Man I gots some cheddar from pops, av hollad the rest of the cats to meet at Fatty’s!! (Am sori people, that’s Fat Boz!) But I haven’t clack that dwanzie Timo, mbu his digs is far, and he doesn’t have the tash for Fatty’s!! (Interpretation again – I don’t understand that dude Tomi, he says his home is far and he doesn’t have the right gear for Fat Boyz! ((don’t ask how I know, yes, me the old chap in this story!!))”

6pm at Fatty’s: “Yo dawg, do u see that chap at the counter with a full pint, that’s my target, am getting me a Bell!!! What’s yours?? Dawg, today am in the mood for punch, al take the chick to his left!! In the meantime, lets be hugging onto this mineral water, or they’ll kick us out of here!!”

Fellaz, if u ever lost a pint while on a wee wee break, it’s the HOLIDAYS bi-a-acth!!

It is my proposal however that we call in that chap who sacrificed a kid for his building in town, we can HAPPILY offer him these pumpkins, he said he wants them between 15 and 21, PERFECT!!!

Just the other day, I happened to be part of the Legal aid team helping poor criminals that cant afford legal fees, and no, I wasn’t the lawyer in question, I had actually returned the lawyer’s car that I had earlier borrowed, and waited for him inside the court, so somehow, a little lumpen, a BUDONIAN I must add, had been caught drink driving and had been brought to court!

Here’s how it went;

Little Lumpen: Yo judge dawg, me and my cats from England were at ……….

Legal Aid Chap: England?

Lumpen: Its our house, ddduuuuuhhhhh!!!

Legal Aid Chap: U live in England?

Lumpen: No fool, that’s our house, um, its in Buddo!! How can’t u know it? EVERYONE knows Buddo!! So anyways, I was with my cats hollering at the squeezes whoof whoof!! We were blazing on free swallow at fattys when all of a sudden……

Judge: Get this crazy young fool outta my chambers!! I sentence him to 3 weeks garbage cleaning at the Mulago roundabout!!

Legal Aid Chap: Um Judge, we the Al Zawadi fraternity would like to extend this ruling to about 2000 others of his kind. Please pass this ruling unto them too, and u shall be indicted into the Bar Men’s Hall of Fame!

Judge: Granted!!

Oh how we wish!!

Wisdom Tooth!

A normal human chap has 32 teeth, well, with the exception of Tiger Woods, P Diddy and AY, the TZ musician, well these chaps have like 54 teeth, and there’s picture evidence to prove these baseless allegations!

Anywho, personally, I have 32, am not really sure, but that’s what the dentist said when I went to see the chap last week! By the time u ever go to a dentist, u must either be self conscious of yo-wa presentation aka grooming, or u will be in such big pain that u shall be like “ok fuck it, al go see the torturer now!” Yes Maggie, u are right, I belong to the pain group!

Recent studies, well, even if it weren’t recent, I would still type recent, what do I care, AM IN PAIN GODAMITT!!! Sori there, but I was thinking of the dentist, hence the rage!

Ok, studies have shown that dentists are the most feared people in life, followed by George Bush, both of them, then Joseph Kony, then Ugandan Ministers, then MP’s, then murderers, then defilers, then robbers, then Spanish soaps and then finally tele-tubbies! So by the time u drag yo ass to the dentist, or rather yo mouth, then u must really have no choice, the pain is the gun and it’s pointing at u!

Back to the story, u see I had my 33rd tooth growing at the back of the last tooth, aka molar! So first I sprinkled salt, to just wish away the inevitable. When I got inklings of pain to indicate a problem, I just did what a normal dentist-phobic chap would do, drink pints so I could sleep fast, plus some salt! But like at 3am, I was up, with a strange pounding at the back of the mouth! It’s like my heart had shifted, and not just shifting, it had been moved by AGS worldwide movers, with the help of DHL, UPS and any other three lettered pumpkins that move things, coz this pounding was like it was for sending blood to the rest of the body, and the aorta and veins were lodged next to my ear!

A full kilogram of salt lodged to the painful area didn’t help much, and so were the 20 tablets of aspirin added to the salt, tooth no. 33 was really pissed with me for some reason, maybe becoz I used the toothpick to remove the food I was teasing it with 3 times a day!

I went straight to the first dentist I met coz this pounding was more irritating than a Celine Dion song, just think of it like that song of hers that goes “I drove all niiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhtttttt!!!” I was pounded all niiiiiiiggghhhttt! (Its for this reason that I suggest Capital FM be used to kill death row inmates, since using spears is a bit archaic!!)

Dr Pain told me I had a wisdom tooth! I said “What?? Just because I came to see u doesn’t mean am any wiser! Matter of fact, I still believe the pot holes are still many, and that’s what I thought yesterday, so what’s this wisdom business?”

The wisdom story caught me off guard, coz whenever I hear that word, am reminded of King Solomon, that guy that used to talk to God, am sure they were on Warid to Warid, coz they had many conversations, I believe it was something like;

King S: Yo Gad, wadduupppp!!! Its Solo down here, whats happening?

God: Sup Bro, I hear u had some baby mamas down there fighting for a kid? Did the price of pampers and SMA gold go down or wat?

King S: Nah man, whoever wins gets child support! But no worries I sorted it all out, just used my wisdom and told em to cut the kid in 2, and one mom was dying to, so I knew she was just scamming for free rent and shit! But its all cool, gotta go now, my minute is getting over, peace out bro!!

These days however, our leaders don’t have wisdom, they amended it to Vision, ya, and only 1 chap has the rights to it at a given go!!

This bloody story keeps taking corners, yet it was about a bloody tooth! Anywho, the Doctor chap proceeded to use needles and other gadgets I last saw in 24, when Jack Bauer was having a normal conversation with Demitri Gridenko, that Russian terrorist!! This dental clinic should be called CTU!!

The rest of the story shall be told when am sure the dentist wont give me crazy pills, so no annoying him for now!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Chicken shit for the soul!!

It is now a fact that self help books are the highest selling genre of books in stores worldwide! Heck, even Aristoc booklex added 2 shelves at the self help section, plus anatha of religion, coz guys be snapping up these books like a problem. Apparently it looks like people’s problems are on the rise, but what exactly do we learn from these books?

Our research team was dispatched to Aristoc to see exactly whats in these books, and these were the findings from these books, with our interpretations;

1- Follow your dreams – We all have dreams, like slapping our bosses every morning they step in the office and ask for those strategy reports, that you didn’t do of course, because u had to attend that kasiki till 3am! Oh, theres also that dream where u undressed the secretary, not the secretary of state, but that chick that sits in the MD’s office, somehow they are always ballistic!
If we were going to follow these dreams, we would be messed!!

2- Believe in yourself – What the hell else do we believe in? I guess when these guys wrote these books, they thought we believed we were other people! So if u always wake up every morning and the first thing in yo head is “I am Obama’s cousin”, then u need to buy these books, so that u start believing stuff like “I am myself!!”

3- Set yourself a goal – Go to a soccer pitch and steal one, if u simply cant make it yourself!

4- What drives you? – The books say you have to find something that drives u! So what u are looking for is an engine and a steering wheel, so u can be driven! We prefer to drive, not be driven!

5- U are better than the rest – The book will go ahead to convince you that u are superior to the rest, and if u set yourself to achieve something, u will get it, never mind u have no rent, no dimes for pints, and heck, u cant even take that chick for a movie, but what the hell, u are better than those chaps that do the above, at least according to the book!

So we figured, people simply like to be assured they are not as miserable as they really are, so they will buy these books to convince themselves just that. It has been said before, that the only people who benefit from self-help books are the authors, what with the seminars they will be invited to, and the book sales of course!

The best book we picked out however was aptly named “chicken shit for the soul” , u can google it, if u think am just lying those of lies!! It sold a lot, it even got a part 2 installment! So before u do anything silly, consider these sayings;

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!”

“Don’t put off till tomorrow…..what u can avoid doing altogether!”

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Genesis!!

Scientists and Religious chaps, especially those chaps from the Vatican, are always confusing us with their endless debates! They are now turning out to be like the power sharing agreements in Africa!

The Vatican church guys insist that God was just there chilling, and he decided to get clay to make some stuff, and then poof, some chap showed up, lets call him Adam! Then he looked for more clay but it was nowhere to be seen, so he figured, this chap’s rib has enough clay to make a chick! So he took 1, and then poof, there was Sheba!! I mean Eve!

Apparently the Vatican guys don’t tell us where the snake came from, probably from Adam’s testicles, coz they have a similar movement, and both tilt their heads upwards when they see an apple!! But this snake thingy was too sharp! So Adam was just there walking, thinking of which university to apply to, for his Masters degree, when he stumbled upon snake! He was like,

“Snake dude, the thirst is killing me, where do I find an apple or something”

“Dawg, walk down to the river side, u shall pass two mountains, then u will find a crater called navel, but pass by it too, then u shall find a bushy area down there, and that’s where the apples are”

“Thanks dude, now can u slither away, I gots me an apple to eat”

But alas, Sheba, sori, Eve was there too, and they shared the apple! Apparently it made them aware that they were naked! The sea of knowledge begun to stream in. So when God called Adam for a discussion on term limits for one to be God, Adam was like “hold up, I have to first go to Woolworths for some gear”

“How did u know about woolworths? Did u chow…sori eat the apple? U shall be cast out of my garden, u shall live on nothing but sin! Your great grandchildren will buy wetlands at 11 billion shillings, and their children will be involved in endless fighting for diamonds and monkeys in Congo! Go now, u punks, and suffer!!!”


The scientists however have still jammed this kabozi, they insist on some particles that were just moving within space, minding their own, then somehow they met! It was love at first night, coz these particles didn’t waste time, sijui dating and buying roses! One particle was like,

“Yo molecule, u must have a taste of this “chow” thingy, on account of it being some very good shit!!” And VOILA, man was made!! He went on to step on the moon, invade Iraq, and sing crappy songs like “Its all coming back to me noooooowwwwww!!”

We the lay people are still confused on who to believe, but when the Vatican declared a quarterly loss of 30 million dollars in the last quarter, due to the decline of the dollar, I decided to follow the scientists!!

Africa in hollywood

When africans get their own sensible hollywood, forget this Nigerian crap of witchcraft in all movies, then africans will finally be proud of themselves, not even Obama can solve this one!

Looking at all the hit movies that were made last year with an african theme, theres nothing but disaster!

Last King of Scotland - Amin eating chaps!

Hotel Rwanda - African chopping themselves up!

Blood Diamonds - Africans fighting for small stones!

CNN - Kenyans with machetes, Zimbaweans starving, Congo's displaced chaps etc

Now the white chaps have taken this to anatha level! Recently there was a documentary on NatGeo wild on some crocodile in Burundi that was eating people, which these white chaps came to try and capture but failed! But trust hollywood, they did a movie on this croc, with Linc Burrels, the Prison break guy in a leading role! He was a reporter, just a ka reporter, but he was sent to write about the croc, but his editor was like "make sure u capture it and bring it back ALIVE!" Of course this "reporter" captures the croc, never mind the ENTIRE burundi army had failed!

In comes Jack Bauer with his new 24 movie, called Exile or some shit like that! I just saw the preview, and av sworn not to bother watching the damn movie! This time the setting is yet again in an African country, with a genocide similar to the Rwanda one of 1994, coz the chaps were like "kill all those cockroaches"! And who comes to save the country? Jack Bauer!!! This idiot actually saves the genocide!! We see him in a scene talking to this guy with a machine gun, and he goes "drop yo weapon and i wont hurt u!" I bet this guy was like "Say, this is the dude from 24, i better drop this Uzi gun, I know he just has a pistol but i do remember what he did to Marwan!"

Jack Bauer has generated many jokes in the course of him being the world's only savior. Tales abound of how he once was lying on a desert in Angola, got a hard on, and struck oil!! Aparently, as a sperm Jack tortured the other sperm to give up the location of the egg!! Now the pumpkin is saving a miilion chaps from a genocide! Lets send him to Darfur before its too late! He'll probably make a movie in 2060 of how he saved Darfur, he should take his ass there now!

These hollywood guys make africans look like a bunch of roaches, just cutting each other, then they send JUST 1 white guy to save the country!!

In my first movie, the americans will be dying from the Economic credit crunch, then we shall send Idi Amin to save their asses!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Loose Bar Talk!

The muslim community in Uganda has split into 2 factions over the court ruling dismissing charges against it’s leader. However, it’s scary to even start with muslims, cause they can issue a fatwa on your ass! We’ll wake up to a crocs classified ad “1 million dollars for the head of that infidel bastard!” Al be like “Say, I am that infidel bastard!!” And that’s when I may decide to hand my own head over, but first ask for a deposit of half the money, to be deposited at a garbage dump, which dimes I would use to make a great escape!

So now that we cant discuss the mufti’s stuffs, we shall turn our attention to bars! I be practically sitting at the bar like every evening, so I get to see all sorts of crappy chaps. Guys walk in with suits, and start chatting up the bar tenders, with crap like “see, my container has delayed at the port, can u believe I spent the whole day at URA?” The bar chick just bees like “Uhhhmm, a container like a bucket?”

Now when these guys get on the phone don’t be confused if u take them for lawyers, coz they be mouthing off stuff like “Er, I just passed the bar, and am now on the other side, am on the bench”

The most un-forgivable Ugandans at bars are chaps that start giving u the most un necessary crap, u be ordering for a pint and the chap goes;

“Man, in Europe, they serve pints in very large glasses, like a bucket, when are u guys bringing that stuff here?”

Then u mess up and talk about the bad bus ride u had to Kabale, coz the roads are pathetic, then he goes;

“Man, I hahad last week on the plane, there was this chick that kept dozing off and leaning on my shoulder, the whole 8 hour flight to Dubai. It was one of my worst. Next time am never using emirates!”

Then by mistake u ask if he will be there for that former class mate’s wedding meeting;

“Man, I may be meeting some clients in Holland, then proceed to New Zealand and probably make a stop in Sydney. Man I want to leave my job, these guys over stress me with these trips!!”

It’s at this point like u feel to go and hang with that savedee chap, coz u won’t have to feed off some zombie’s ego, but instead u will get a shock of yo life, coz Jesus’ ego will supersede this Sydney pumkin’s! U be like;

“Man aren’t u thirsty, don’t u want a soda?”

“Yes I am, but thirsty for Jesus!!!”

“Don’t u think it’ll be easier to use a mouse with that laptop of yours?”

“Dude, a mouse has a curser!!!”

“Alright punk, look, u seem to be this Jesus guy hi mu-selef, now I have bought this water here coz I have no dimes, u either turn it to wine now, or am going to call for u that guy seated at the bar? Wanna hear some outside cow-ntries stories??

He obviously fails the “kabozi” test, so I finally move on to the far corner of the bar, where by bad luck, a politician walks in. He is in the NRM, he is also a “rebel MP”. So I ask him how the retreat went, ya, that one to save those NSSF ministers. So he says that after a stern warning from their chairman, who doubles as the Prez of UG, they were asked to vote on the matter, not by secret ballot, but by hand clap! So the speaker of parliament gets up to start the vote, and goes;

“If yo happy and u know it clap yo hands……………………….pa pa pow!”

“If yo happy that they aren’t guilty clap yo hands……………….pa pa pow!”

“If yo happy and u know, that u’ll really let them go, if yo happy and u know it clap yo hands………………………………..PA PA POW!!!!!!”

Mr Chairman, the Ayes have it!! They are now absolved!!!!!

It is at this point, that I went home!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Quantum Solace

It’s getting harder by the day to distinguish between real life and fiction. Tales have been told of how governments try to direct what the headline news is, for their own purposes. So, when a few weeks back, the King of Buganda, aka Kabaka was stopped from touring a part of his kingdom, we quickly figured that the guy in charge, the Minister of Security did this to divert attention from his own troubles. He must have been with his aides talking bout “Chaps, things are getting tight, we need to get this NSSF stuff off peoples minds, lets figure out something sensitive to play around with”

“Sir, lets play around with the king” “Brilliant, u shall be promoted with the next batch of officers”

And the next day we see in the papers, “Kabaka stopped from touring Nakasongola, rift with government widens!” People who matter, were like “Really, ………er……fuck it, when is the Security minister refunding our dimes?” Then the minister of Finance said “760 billion shillings allocated to the ministry of agriculture not used” People who matter, were like “Really, ………er……fuck it, when is the security minister refunding our dimes?” Before we could settle down, Beti Kamya was like “FDC bosses are trying to kill me” The FDC bosses said “she was trying to blackmail them”, but still, people who matter were like “Really, ………er……fuck it, when is the security minister refunding our dimes?”

So now we have come up with similar situations to explain the events that are unfolding, and created a movie out of it;

Scene 1: An area out of town, to be visited by a king, chicken walk across as the camera cuts to a motorcade raising dust as it enters the town and comes to a halt at the front of the Administrative building. Out comes a king, and he is received by an official from the office building, a security official, for he is in a police uniform. Time for dialogue, Director yells……Aaaaaannnnnnddddd action!

King: Am King Jeffy Joffa, King of Zermunda, am looking for my son Akim!!

Official: Sir, we have got reliable intelligence information that u are actually here to tour this part of your kingdom! Am sorry, but we cant let u do that! We have strict orders from above!

King: OK then, my son came here with his escort Richie, where can I find him?

Official: Richie probably abandoned your son, he raised an orphan called Nicole, and they went to Paris to live at the Hilton.

King: Servant, grab the bags, we are going to France!

Official: am sori sir, but Richie’s chief of protocol was arrested while in Germany en-route to Paris, and is being extradited on genocide charges. He is charged with kidnapping the white bat, and starting the massacre of the Wachiti tribe by the Wachutu tribe, and this can be confirmed by Ace Ventura, pet detective!

King: So what happens now?

Official: We have orders to arrest you. You will be presented to our court to give u a trial that will last strictly 1 month, u will spend the first 3 weeks denouncing our court and our country, but by the 4th week, u will be found guilty and executed in the 5th week, no appeals!

King: And what are u trying me for?

Official: For possession of weapons of mass destruction, we know u are supporting al-nkunda to wreck havoc in Goma. Plus, even your women are “weapons of mass seduction”, and for this you shall also be punished! This court trial shall be code named “Quantum Solace”, and shall be watched strictly by invite, there are already 3 events companies bidding to handle the whole thing!

Intermission, the director has to edit scenes that look like they may potray actual events that have a close resemblance to this script! But he realises, that it’s the actual events that have a close resemblance to the movie!

Ad City!

A quick drive thru Kampala and its suburbs will bring forth to the mind a new kind of advertising where there are posters on virtually every pole in town, every pavement that’s big enough to stick an A4 size paper, heck, even the garbage bins have been plastered all over. The chaps at KCC responsible for the city’s cleanliness must be like “Hey, is it me or does the city look much brighter?”

The problem however is not the advert papers, but the contents, it’s really painful to know that people can put up this stuff and actually get away with it. Now at first, these guys started with notices like “Learn accounts software, call 0752 –xxxxxx, then this failed, then they went to stuff like “For video games and software, call 0752 – xxxxxx”, but this also backfired, so they went sexual, and this worked, I think, coz now there are posters every 3 seconds of;

“To increase manhood size, call…………..”

“Lose weight while eating, call ……………”

“For bigger bums and hips, call…………….”

“For cuter lips, call………………………….”

“Brain boosters for the mentally slow, call……”

“Lose pimples, stretch marks, call……………..”

“To eat chips and chicken for free, call…………”

“To get a free tv, call……………………………”

Advertising companies like ZK and the like must be cursing the gods, for their billboards have been violated by these goons. Electricity and telephone poles haven’t been spared either. But at least these goons should be given the licences to do ads for radio, coz they sound creative.

The ads on radio these days make us as sick as these street ads, imagine something like “Eh eh, u are talking alone? Now where is ufuta???” Despite switching off the radio, u go to tv and find a Spanish soap? We are still investigating the Spanish government, to see who has bribed all our TV execs to show more of this crap!! I am now forming “the association o chaps against Spanish soaps”, care to join??

Friday, November 14, 2008

Studies have shown that.......

Opinion polls are weird stuffs. Practically everything on earth has been “studied”. Imagine this;

“A French magazine which conducted a poll discovered that French men admitted to sleeping with 11.2 women whereas French women admitted to sleeping with 1.8 men”. I bet they were like “Sir, sorry to bother you, I know u are a stock market trader but could u give us a minute of your time and count for us how many women u have slept with? This information is very vital for the survival of humanity!” “Ah, I have slept with 11.2 women?” “Excuse me, point 2?” “Yea, she was mutilated in several areas” “Er, thank you sir for you time!”

“A study showed the IQ range is wider among men than women. In other words scientists believe that the smartest men are smarter than the smartest women but the stupidest men are stupider!” That is very true, coz I have also failed to understand that theory, am among the stupid ones “I s’pose!”

“A survey in New York revealed that the average Manhattan wife takes 14 minutes to switch off the light after going to bed”. I bet this scientist was like “Er Josh, what should we do today?” “I finished all these DNA structure studies and have discovered that molecules and photons are catholic, because they have mass! Now, lets go figure out how long it takes the average Manhattan woman to switch off her lights after going to bed” “And how exactly shall we do that?” “I got the binoculars baby, yyeeaahh!”

“Gold fish remember better in cold water than in warm water”. I bet the idiot that came up with this would show the gold fish 3 bananas, then puts it in cold water, then when he retrieved it, it would yell out “three bananas!”. It would then be put in a jar of warm water and on retrieval, would yell “Read my lips,No more Bush” .

“Crickets hear through their knees”. I bet this is how they found out;
Jack Bauer: “First am going to shoot your left knee, then a scrap off the skin on your right knee cap, till u give me the information!”
Cricket: “Am sori, but if u shoot my knees I wont be able to hear your questions!”
Jack Bauer: “Oh, so u hear through yo knees, Chloe, did u get that? Send that information down to the labs at CTU and verify if what this terrorist says is true, if it is, let the scientists publish it!”

According to a study in California in 1966, pigs are the only mammals other than humans that are capable of getting sunburned. “Alright porky, am heading down to the beach for an hour or so, do u have that sun cream?” “Am right on it, four legs good, sun cream good!”

“Bulls don’t see red – they are color blind”. Here’s how they knew this.
“Mooooooooooooooo”
“Pegy, why are u so upset?”
“The grass here is yellow, I only eat green grass”
“Peggy dear, all grass is the same”
“Really, but I thought…”
“No dear, we are color blind, at least that’s what I told the researcher!”

“Snails mate once in a lifetime, but it lasts for up to 12 hours”. “Joe, u have been up all nite” “Ya, am still watching the snails”

Here's a few other weirdos!

“Zebras have white stripes – not black ones”

“The hundred years war lasted 114 years”

“The bible does not mention Eve eating an apple, nor Jonah being swallowed by a whale”

Makerere University is dead!

Makerere University is dead, but we like to watch the corpse decompose!! Heres why;

Since all our TV stations have proved to be a bunch of crap, we have been forced to look for entertainment elsewhere, we may be catching up with the white chaps, by preferring live TV to crappy Spanish soaps that are being forced down our throats.

Luckily enough, we have found one, ladies and gents, Live TV introduces an all new show, season premier started about 8 years back, but it has recently become very entertaining, so we present to you ……Makerere University!

Episode 1: Kenyan students go on strike:
It’s a breezy morning on the campus, and Barrack Obama has just won the election, CNN is covered in Kenyan flag colors, but the camera switches to chaotic scenes outside the University’s main block, we see Kenyan flags alright, and chaotic scenes! The viewer thinks it’s the celebration of Obama’s win, but they are dead wrong! The Kenyan students are on strike!! A quick thought jumps to the head, why would they be on strike? We know the administrators of this uni are so crappy, but we just cant believe the lengths they go to, are they giving the kenyans worse beans than the locals? Are they getting lower marks? Maybe all the mosquitos on campus have been given strict orders to only give malaria to the Kenyans, something like;
“Blue 6, come in, this is red hat 10, confirm location” “Red hat red hat, this is Blue 6, I have the malaria virus with me here, looking for target, please confirm” “Blue six, go sting the third guy from the left, he’s Kenyan” “Roger that, copy that, out is out, malaria parasite deposited, mission accomplished, Kenyan down, I repeat Kenyan down” “Thank you anopheles, sori, I mean blue six, over”
It turns out however that tuition fees for all foreign students had been hiked without notice, we are still waiting on the Tanzanians and Sudanese to strike as well!

Episode 2: Dean of finance gives daughter office:
This was the funniest episode, now this chap, who was the head of LDC was promoted to some other stuff we are not really bothered with spelling out, so he gets a bigger office at the main block. Ordinarily, he would hand over the LDC office to the successor, but no, not this chap. He instead gives the office to his daughter to revise her books, a factor that prepicitated………no, precitipate…….that just cant be right, PRECIPITADED, ah yes, that’s it!! A factor that precipitaded the administration to knock down the door and switch the locks!

Episode 3: 2 billion shilling wall downed by a drizzle:
It was supposed to be “the great wall of campus”, having cost a staggering 2 billion shillings. We were told this would be the eighth wonder of the world, and if u went to the moon u would see it! However, during a slight drizzle, that little annoying downpour that leaves u thinking “should I use the umbrella or not”, and the “great wall had a great fall”. Lets rhyme for these chaps a bit;
Humpty dumpty shat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had built the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
Humpty Dumpty was on the damn wall!

Episode 4: Transcript – Now u see me, now you don’t!
When one graduates, one normally gets a transcript like on…er, graduation day. Here’s the campus scenario;
“Sir, fill in those forms and return after a month”

“Sir, u are saying u filled in the forms a month ago, but we cant see them”

“Sir, we don’t seem to find your results, are you sure u studied here?”

“Sir, the person with your transcript went for further studies in South Africa, please return after 2 years”

“Sir, just leave us alone, we don’t have your bloody transcript!”

A whorrible event!

A Whorrible Event! Passing by Speke Road the other day, i couldnt help but notice "They are BACK!". Ladies and gents, the police have since stop harrasing the flesh peddlers. As a professional helper, I asked one of them to give me her side of the story, and thus she relates;

Her name is Susan, a common name for these chicks, which is why Whitney Houston was complaining in that song "My name is not Susan". Any who, she was arrested by this policeman who called her a WHORE! He charged her with being a "whor-rible" person. She tried to beep God to intervene, but the network to heaven was interrupted by the "whore-zone" layer!

She told the policeman she was actually on her way to the "Whore-tel", which happens to be across the street, to which he repiled she was just "Whor-rified" by the arrest, and so was telling lies! She then asked to be taken to the "whore-spital", coz she just couldn't manage conditions in the police cells!

"Wh-owever", the constable had other ideas, so he took her to his "whor-use", where he proceeded to mis-use whore body, and later release her back to the road across from the "whore-tel". Thats why she was back!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Current Affairs

The credit crunch is nothing like Nestle Coco Crunch, not sweet. This blog, that used to be updated on a daily, has been hit by the global economic crisis, with internet cafes upping rates and all were happy when a 700 billion dollar bailout was announced by the US senate, we thought it would trickle down here but wapi! Germany announced a bailout for its banking industry, Japan for its car industry, and Uganda announced a massive bailout for its Ministers of Security and Finance from the jaws of the censure industry!

What Ugandans wanted was the bailout of the country’s roads, or former roads, but the line minister was like “fuck it, they’ll get used to it!”

You never realise how bad a ride is in Kampala till u take a taxi! It all begins as u stand by the “stage”, which is a spot by the road where a minibus can manoeuvre a way to get slightly off the road, allowing the cars behind to come to a screeching halt and dodge the backside of the taxi that stops without warning!

The conductor opens the door and there’s only one spot left, the front row, where he lets u sit then proceeds to move u over so u share the little seat by the sliding door! He then says “we sikeemu awo”, “push yo-wa selef over”, “Extend”! Now u are squeezed up on the seat, then by some bad luck, the chap behind u wants to pass over some money to the conductor, so the conductor raises out his arm to fetch the dimes, and emits the WORST smell EVER!!! These guy’s armpits have a smell so foul they make sulphuric acid blush! Chemistry lab assistants would be so pissed to learn that there’s actually something worse to torture students with, that they haven’t yet concocted! Wonder why conductors never get malaria? Coz mosquitoes die on impact! Autopsies by Dr Anopheles Mosquito show they were poisoned by nerve gas, produced by a human! It’s the natural DDT!

If businessmen would find a way to can this smell, they would make a dime! We would walk into supermarkets and be like “shop sales lady, do u have a can of conductor’s arm pit?” “Am sori, we run out”. That’s when u reluctantly be like “Ok, al just take Doom, or Farco rapid kill!”. Speaking of which, am wondering what blokes came up with a name like Farco for a repellent! U go to a supermarket and be like; “Can I have 1 fuck-o please” “What size do u want, we have medium and large, what are u, see we really like u guys who take the message seriously and don’t spread around disease” “Slow yo horses there cowgirl, I want a bloody spray, FARCO”

Where was I before this mosquito stuff, ahh, the foul smelling chap! U know, according to Dr Mohinder Suresh, ya, that guy in “heroes”, conductors have superpowers, they emit this odor to make people pay more than they should, therefore mis using their powers, he is still working on a cure, which shall be discovered when the series is eventually cancelled, I mean u don’t expect the guy to give us the solution! We may stop watching Heroes and reluctantly watch Big Brother, the silent killer!

Before long in the taxi, some chap says “maaso awo”, “eyes there”, “stop me there”, and everyone has to get out to give him way, then we assemble ourselves back in the minibus before anatha crappy “eyes there” just 2 minutes later! U get fed up of the nonsense and decide to walk the rest of the way, so u hand the DDT emiting chap a ka 5 thou, he gives u back less money, u protest, he raises his arm, which disorients u and sends u in a dizzy spell, u then say to him “Look, if thought u could just play around with me like all those other chaps u cheat……..u were RIGHT!! Am off to the bank to get a car loan!”

Ghetto Prez

Al take a few moments to vent out my rage at this pumpkin. His music may be liked alright, but his lifestyle is too weak! I just saw this chap on NTV announcing his upcoming “un plugged” show to be at silk, and the chap was like; (read as is, for realistic effect)

“Aki chuali, di si show willi be ini pulagedi, noti outu pu laggedi” I bet he was trying to say “actually this show will be in plugged, not out plugged”, leaving the question begging, “what the hell is in plugged?” Is this guy high?! I imagine an interview with this nappy head;

Reporter: Mr Wine, u have proclaimed yo self the ghetto president, were u elected?

BW: Aki chualli, I am de best in de inda-su-tu-ri!!

Reporter: Yo wife is Barbie, do u call her Barbie doll?

BW: aki chualli, what is Barbie doll?

Reporter: Never mind, why don’t u go to the ghetto parliament, smoke some of your flowers then come back for a more ballistic interview!

(5 minutes later, he re appears, with jewellery all over the place)

BW: Ya man rasta man wat aguan, big tings a gwan man, big ups to jah rastafari mama baby rememba dat!!

Reporter: What the hell did u just do!

BW: Mi a fi tell dem rasta man de ganja republic man of Uganja big ups to his excellency de ghetto president shhhaaa!!

Reporter: Sir, I gotta go now.

BW: Memba to tell dem rasta fans a mine, mi show will be in-plugged man, carry de ganja and smoka weeda, stinka weeda, and drinka weeda, cchaaa!!!

Reporter: Did u just some weed?

BW: Me a fi tell dem, me smoke ganja and me spread nuttin but propaganja, tell em dat mama baby!

Reporter: Who the hell is mama baby?

BW: Dats di intro to mi first it song! It was a it, skreik to number 1! Tell em dat mama……….

Reporter: Aaaaannnnnd CUT!!!

Monday, November 10, 2008

This Is Africa!

This Obama stuff is getting too over-played we just might get fed up with the chap before he actually starts his real work, so before we do that, I will also add just one more story, which is a thought on how this election could have gone, if the US was an African country!

First, Obama would have announced his candidacy like 2 years before the election. At around the same time, Bush would have used his chaps in parliament to try and amend the constitution so he could serve a third term, “since there were many projects he had started that he wanted to finish, like the war on terror”. His cronies would bribe fellow legislators to get the required votes to remove term limits, which Bush would go on to win, courtesy of the same stunts he used in his last 2 elections.

Due to pressure from donors, led by the world’s superpower Uganda and its staunch democratic allies Kenya and Zimbabwe who are strongly opposed to life presidencies, and who are major contributors to the US budget, the plans to remove the term limits shall be thwarted, and the election will proceed!

George Bush, who shall be fearing for his future after power, because of the many imprisonments he made during his term, and the lots of money he will have to account for, that were stolen by his closest allies, will then go ahead and hand pick a successor, a one John Mc Cain, who shall be his stooge and protector when he takes over the reins of power!

In all areas, the leading opposition candidate Obama shall see his campaign venues filled to the brim, and shall get many sympathisers from both within the country and abroad! This will prompt the Bush regime to arrest Obama, charging him with rape, and some terrorist connections, since his name is Hussein! He will be charged with the rape of some obscure relative that he used to live with some 10 years earlier, and the Bush regime will hope he says “he bathed with hot water to avoid any infections!”

But Obama will maintain his cool, and these charges will be dismissed, so they will then charge him with connections to terrorists, the big evidence being his middle name, and the fact that he visited Afghanistan when he was still 2 years old! Mc Cain shall be campaigning in the meantime.

When political pressure from the Axis of Dimes, Uganda, Kenya and Zimbabwe step in, Obama shall be released “due to lack of enough evidence” and given 1 month to campaign. But as any other opposition chap in Africa, he is not going to whine about the bad state of the infrastructure, the poor health sector, the lack of jobs or any other sensible stuff! He will hit the electorate with stuff like “he is black, and no one from his clan has ever been given the chance to rule, so now it’s their turn”. His other campaign material will include stuff like “Bush will go! His time is up!”, but no other realistic stuff!

Obama will go ahead to say the “he will create jobs for all, give everyone money and send more people to richer countries to mop their houses, clean their nappies and any other odd jobs, but they will get rich”. People fall for this crap!

With election day looming, Obama supporters shall be tear gassed by the police, several of them beaten and thrown into cells, while many others will flee to exile! Mc Cain will go on to win, despite some irregularities here and there, and he will be sworn in 12 minutes after the Electoral Commission has announced the results!

The natives of the black community will get so pissed off with this result that they will take to the streets, armed with pangas and stuff, burning down the houses of all the people from those other tribes that voted for Mc Cain. The army leadership will stand by their current prez, and will refuse to back Obama, thus sending the US to a month of untold mayhem. A genocide shall be feared, but since Uganda, Kenya and Zimbabwe don’t have any real interests, in terms of oil or gold in the US, they will turn a blind eye to the massacres going on. Before long, mediators from the African Union shall be called in to calm down the situation. Mc Cain and Obama shall be put on a round table to discuss the way forward for the US, Obama shall be made the Executive Prime Minister, with some of his party members being given top ministerial positions in the government, which shall have been made bigger to accommodate both blacks and white tribe representatives.

The peace deal shall be shaky, and Mc Cain will go ahead and name ministers without consulting Obama, including giving himself the Ministry Of Interior, which over sees the police. Obama will reject this proposal outright, and shall call in all African leaders to help mediate. Before long, both men settle, but on a 6 month trial basis. Refugees are called back home, while the Internally Displaced People who have been fed by UNHCR and WFP are re-settled to their homes.

But before long, a one Laurent who is not content with the deal, goes to the bush in Texas, claiming to be fighting for his people, the blacks. The resulting fight displaces most people in Texas, sending them to refugee camps in neighbouring countries………………………………………………..

This Is Africa!!!!!

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