Minority Report - Happy Holidays!!

“Minorities!!”, that’s the magic word these days. It’s getting hard for people to be white, it seems nature is finally giving them what they deserve (those colonialist bastards!). A black man right now in the UK or the US has a chance to get away with a lot of shit, he just has to say “you’re firing me coz am black!!” and that’s it, thousands of apologies will flow in and the job re-instated, with a ka higher perk.

Women like Beti Kamya will slip in a ka “men have failed to rule this country, it’s our turn, vote for me…” just because women are treated as minorities, giving them 1.5 extra points to get government scholarships and all!

But the guys that are taking this minority shit to another level are the jews! Any shit you say bad about these guys even has a name, “anti-Semitism”. These guys are so pissed off with Christians for hijacking the 25th of December and proclaiming “Merry Christmas” to all that care, they don’t want that shit anymore!

They still believe that Jesus hasn’t even been born yet, and so first they first spread around “Merry X-mas” as an alternative but this shit didn’t really work coz X is for Christ, in Greek, or Chi, in their spelling. So Malcom would be Malcom-Christ, if he was in Greece!

To totally erase any connection with the Christ on this ballistic day (no seeing the boss), they proposed, and efficiently implemented, “Happy Holidays!!” Nowadays kids don’t even know what the heck they be receiving gifts for! They just know that some big bearded (and still mostly white) man “drops” gifts through their chimneys, at least that’s what they think till they reach their Bugolobi flat and start trying to figure out “what the heck a chimney is?”, who has that shit in their homes??!!

The chaps in Ivory Coast are not having “Happy Holidays” however, they are not the first, Kenyans didn’t have it happy after those damned elections of 07 either. The Ivorian loser/winner, a one Outtara called the French Prez to wish him “happy holidays” and as a polite goodbye, he tagged on a ka special request, “boss, can u ground Gbagbo’s private jet, it’s busy there putting fuel and ferrying his family for the “holidays”. The French Pres was like “Yes Sir, anything you want Mister President who is not sworn in, but still, a President!”

Gbagbo, the man whose name hates associating with vowels, has since made more empty threats to throw out the French bastards, oh if only he were a minority of sorts!

The Palestinians are having a totally hard time reclaiming their lost lands to Israel coz they are Arabs in a huge Arabian land. The minority Jews / Israelis have the back up of the guys that matter (friends of Wiki Leaks) and are killing chaps like grasshoppers on a stray November night on a Masaka street! If only the Palestinians had that magic “minority” voice!

Being a minority has it’s downsides too. A chick can be raped and can’t revenge rape back, its just sad!

A tribe can be wiped out (or try to be wiped out) coz they don’t have the numbers to defend they’ selves!

A black man in Russia can be skinned alive, just becoz he looks that way, and has no backup.

That Jesus boy had better show up before His message evaporates in the fumes of discarded “Holiday” gifts!

Happy Holidays y’all!!

Coffee anyone??

Coffee hangouts are springing up faster than barbershops slash video libraries these days! Ugandans are such a predictable bunch, or rather, investors in Uganda are such a predictable bunch, what with most being Chinese or Indian “foreign investors” and all!

First we were hit by “takeaways” in the 90’s, everyone’s auntie had one, so we were spoilt for choice on where to get that free “chips and sausage”. Then video libraries crept in and garages were turned to libraries with a large poster of “Titanic” hanging on it’s door to inform the public of the amazing stuff going on in there. These later turned into salons after street hawkers “took the video service closer to the people” unlike what bullshit politicians promise to do and don’t deliver.

But now, coffee is the shit, and it’s not cheap!

After Ban Café’s success (and many corporate dates that turned to marriages later), Café Pap crept in and became the poser’s lounging club. The City Oil guys decided to open a similar stuff, “Javas” at their gas station, but went an entire notch higher when they opened a ballistic one at the Nakumatt building.

Corporate posers were extremely thrilled with this innovation, and if any of them owes u dimes, just take a stroll there, they will definitely be there. Ban café not to be outdone, has also opened a similar café at the very same building, adjacent to Javas, so if you don’t find your debtor at one of them, cross to the other, they shall be posing from there.

I happened to look for one of these debtors at these places but the experience taught me exactly why I shouldn’t hang at cafes, damn this shit is rocket science, no wonder only corporate chaps with their training in Dubai and Pretoria fit in.

On entering these places, u will notice that the entire wall is a menu, and they have their own lingo, much like learning “programming” in IT or “financial analysis” in business. You know exactly what something is, but these punks just want to complicate matters. When u go to a bank for example and want to make a deposit, the silly teller will tell u to fill in a “CTV”. This statement will leave u more confused than the IPC figuring out who their mayoral candidate really is!

On inquiry, the ka teller will tell you “CTV” is not a camera thingy, but a “Customer Transaction Voucher”, which we ordinary mortals call a “deposit slip”. Why the hell didn’t you just say that in the first place?? Wasting my time! Oh I get it, u have to pay for that training don’t ya? Show us u know shit! Its just a deposit slip bitch!! And it only asks for account number, name and amounts in the various denominations to fill in! Didn’t know I knew “denominations” now did ya??

Anywho, these café buggers behave just like teller number 1 above, maybe they want to justify their huge prices, but u don’t just walk into a café mbu u have dimes, u must know the lingo!

For example, they have some stuff called Espresso. No Maggie, this doesn’t mean coffee that is brewed extra fast. That only stops at the dry cleaners where u pay more dimes for “express-o” wash and dry. Espresso means coffee powder brewed under very extreme pressure, and its super strong, to addictive levels.

The con doesn’t stop there, they will ask if u want the espresso as latte. Latte is the coffee plus milk. Wonder why the punks didn’t just ask “do u want milk or plain coffee?” but no, u gotta sound as expensive as that bill is going to be – shortly!

The barista will then ask you…….oh sorry, forgot to mention that. The guy that comes to take your order, complete with a pen and writing pad (to look extra coolest) is called a barista. For calling him a “waiter” or “garcon” will simply increase your bill! Anywho, the “barista” will ask whether u want it as “frappucino”, another word that ends with “o”, looks like the nigerians are in charge of this one. Apparently that means “cold coffee”, as if the bastards just couldnt say that!

“well-o, if u don’t mind-o, al have latte frappucino, I have de money-o, kinekee-oo”

A sip of this shit will hit u with a high that’s 100 times better than weed, so I have been told! Never to know this weed stuff! Addicts to this shit are rich guys or corporate chaps with “entertainment” loans, be careful not to fall for this shit!

And as I end this, here comes that punk with my dimes, logging off…..

The International Circus Court!!

Louise Mourihno Ocampo has been the busiest African tormentor for like the last 5 years! The ICC, a court set up by some white chaps to disturb some black chaps (and some extremely broke eastern Europeans from countries that end with ….”ia”, Yugoslavia, Latvia, Georgia, Serbia…) is at it again. This guy is held in equal esteem as the WikLeaks founder Julian Assange, one wonders whether he is a hero or a zero, I also can’t tell!

On the one hand, his actions will dissuade and strongly discourage the impunity of these so called African “un-touchables” that have been roaming our plains since independence, the corrupt buggers that ride in gas guzzlers from our bu little dimes! They un-fortunately still believe they are chiefs like those guys in Nigerian movies, "i wont my moni...kineke-oooo"

On the other, it will piss us black power advocates that believe we can whip these corrupt individuals to some sensible reality without necessary running to “white daddy” to “report on them”! "hey u, minister of whatever, surrender that VX or your epitaph will read "whacked by natural causes, he surely and dearly won't be missed!"

Let’s see Mr Ocampo’s list of guests;

Pierre Bemba – DRC mullah de la mullah and an almost winner of rebellion – promoted to Exec PM to stop war, then immediately reported to Ocampo.

Charles Taylor – Conqueror of Naomi Campbell and chief inspirer of the movie “Blood Diamonds”. Tricked by Nigeria to flee to Cameron, disguised as a housegirl in a car boot, then reported to Ocampo who arretsed him like an immigrant running to Spain!

Joseph Kony – Limb mutilator and head of the LRA, Lucifer’s Rag-tag Army, under protection from the next guy.

Omar Bashir – Director of “The killing fields of Darfur” and sitting Prez of Sudan United before the Jan referendum.

Thomas Lubanga – Accused rapist and as if freedom fighter of Eastern DRC. Never heard of 'im

Uhuru Kenyatta – Not on trial, but has been named. Can I have “brookside dairies” if you lose the case? Please?

William Ruto – Of the maize scandal, and now of the violence scandal. There'd better be corn flakes at the hague!

These silly ICC clowns! First off, the head of the Kenyan electoral commission who had no clue on how to do his job independently should have been suspect numero uno! The Prez that swore himself in before allowing for court petitions, or even inviting neighbor Prezzos to attend, should answer a question or two. The guys that broke the railway and stopped the trains that bring in tusker malt to UBL and caused us untold soberness for 2 weeks, where are they? This is real ICC material!

Lakini on a polite note, the chaps that signed up African states to this ICC circus should be put on a suspects list and sent to trial. Even after all this bullshit of the war mongering Bemba and Charles Taylor, our brothers in the Ivory Coast are doing the exact same shit they should be fearing to do lest they go on trial too! So what’s the purpose? The US signed up for this ICC crap, then removed their signature 2 weeks after George Bush was sworn in, then he went on to wreck mayhem in the entire world, and instead of trying that little nut, they’ll settle for Uhuru, a guy that gave Ministers VW Passats to save dimes, no wonder they “reported on him”.

As for the impending violence next year (after a certain presidential candidate announces his own version of results, as threatened – and which immature bugger does that, like they can pronounce their opponent the winner), we shall also wait for a list of suspects a year or 2 after the repercussions – like that will reverse any damage!!

Let’s hope for the best!

Mis-inspirational quotes!!

As the year comes to a close (and we get into the hippy ten’s), several chaps are going to lie to themselves that they are going to make resolutions, which shall inevitably be broken 2 weeks into the new year, yet another lie! Inspirational buggers like the author of many books which talk about many other books, a one Musolini, shall be racking up dimes as they speak at corporate farewell bashes for all ye employees at the end of year retreat.

If I had this bugger’s job, I would go in there just to mess things up. After reminding you that dimes are not so important (except when it’s time to pay rent), I would unleash a powerpoint slide with the most mis-inspirational quotes to guide you into the new year, and al share them in a jiff, see that’s shorter than a jifyy! Here goes:

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when it shines, and wants it back the minute it begins to rain” – Mark Twain.

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing” – Emo Phillips

“A hard man is good to find” – Mae West

“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished! – Zsa Gabor

“A man in the house is worth two in the street!” – Mae West

“A man is only as old as the woman he feels.” – Graucho Max

“A woman drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her” – W C Fields

“Behind every successful man – is a huge bank account!” – Anonymous

“Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days the statue!” – Dilbert

“All things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening” – Alex Woolcott

“Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed” – Winston Churchill

“Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.” – Anonymous

“Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies” – Oliver Goldsmith

“Women are absolutely equal, they just can’t quite lift as much.” – Lee Roth

“The road to success is always under construction” – Anonymous

“Dancing – the vertical expression of a horizontal desire” – Bernard Shaw

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes” – Oscar Wilde

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – JFK

“Giving up smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times” – Anonymous

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot. But let not that fool ya, he really is an idiot!” – Max

“He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches” – Bernard Shaw

“I drink, therefore I am” – WC Fields

“I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting” – Mark Twain

“I love animals, they are tasty” – Anonymous

“I love being married. Its so great to find that 1 special person u want to annoy the rest of yo life” – Rudner

“I never drink water, fish fuck in it” – WC Fields

“If at first u don’t succeed, try try again, then give up. There’s no sense being a damned fool about it” – WC Fields

“If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.” – Brent

“I’ve had a perfectly good evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Max

“Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rudner

“Never take life too seriously. No one ever gets out alive anyway!” – Anonymous

And that’s it!

The new Christmas!!

It’s upon us again, that dreaded Christmas and it’s feliz navidad crap! Sales managers at Uchumi and Nakumatt have never been happier, they are going to hit their monthly sales targets by the 15thDecember, thanks to their over-advertising (cramming entrances with red balloons)!

You would be forgiven to think that these punks are the staunchest Christians ye ever met….i mean how happy can you be that Jesus is going to be born - - yet again? These buggers don’t want to hear jingle bells, all they care about is the ringing ka-ching sound coming out of their cash registers every time yet another Christmas tree has been yanked off it’s shelf!

Just like their cousins at Hallmark that make a killing during Valentine’s (and father’s day, mother’s day, first born girl’s day….), supermarkets have hijacked the Christmas tradition from the Vatican, who have spent the most of the past 6 or so years defending their foot soldiers from boy-child molestation cases (just let the guys marry!) and letting their prized asset go to the capitalists.

According to the Shoprites and Nakumatts of this world, Jesus Christ was born in a ballistic baby cot that came with an automatically fitted mosquito net that is discounted by 10% every time you purchase around 3 of them – so do that! He was surrounded by an array of balloons and party poppers that can easily be found on Isle 13, “party section”, purchase some preasee…sench u very many!

His visitors took him cards, “Congratulations on getting a first born boy” which can be picked from an array of designs found at “Stationary Section”, 2 lefts from the "vegetable section", so pick one godamit! And don’t you dare forget that he was showered with gifts that can be found at the back counters…erm, that is at the till where the cashier sits, and some of them look like chocolates and shit…do it!

Before you leave our store, no, this is not a shop you villager you, it’s a store bitch, but did you also know that on the 25th December, pilgrims, that’s you, engaged in a sport known as “shop till you drop?” Our assistants will gladly take you to our toy section where you shall buy whatever it is that the kids asked Santa to bring them this Christmas. Wrapping is free! Little bicycles that the kid will ride at age 2 and all the way to age 2 and a quarter are available, they come with a half-quarter year warranty, do this for Christmas, no, not Christ, but Christmas.

At the end of the shopping, you shall be availed with a “members only” card that entitles you to a discount every time you purchase from our store, that’s right, STORE! A 10% discount from all sections on the ground floor and 20% on the first floor. Easter purchases will guarantee you a 30% discount, yes, we love Jesus that much!

As for the profits, we shall just open another branch in the fast growing suburbs, we were thinking Ntinda or Namanve. The church shall take care of itself, they are not taxed anyways. We would however love to relay our great appreciation to them for boosting our sales at this time when we really need to expand and stuff, thank you church people!

And thank you dear client, for shopping with our store, that’s right, our STORE!!

That dream job!!

Some jobs are just too cool, how the hell do people get them? Watching documentary channels brings out stuff I never knew existed, and wish I could be, to hell with this nonsense of waking up at 7 am and wearing company ID’s…the real stuff reads like this:

Provocateur;

A punk who pisses people off, just for the heck of it! A notable chap is Larry Flynt, an American bugger that used to publish pornography and make it hard corer when chaps complained. He has been sued about 40 times for indecent exposures by his magazines and even made a best selling movie “the people vs Larry Flynt” about these court escapades. That beats accounting or marketing on any given day!

Analyst;

These come in many forms, and their sole job is to appear on television and discuss nonsense they think they bloody know. “Sports analysts”, some of whom name their kids after European club stadia and their soccer hero bastards talk so much nonsensical shit you wish you could have their jobs. The buggers start “analyzing” how the first half went, as if we didn’t watch the damn match ourselves “I think the manager made a terrible mistake making that substitute, he was controlling the midfield area all by himself….” and yet if things had gone the other way round, the “soccer pundit” would have been like “that decision to substitute that player was a very tactical move by the manager, this is what places him apart from the rest…” Bitch, any lumpen can say that! “Political” analysts don’t even deserve to waste ink / typing stuff, it’s not really ink on the keyboard now is it?

Historian;

Just like their analyst brothers, these buggers are called in to give opinions on what has already happened. “Based on events of 1955, we are seeing a repeat of history…”, and so??

Weather men;

And women: These guys stand in front of maps and PowerPoint presentations and start playing God! “Fellaz, looky here, there’s goin to be rain and thunderstorms, but in a few selected places, can’t really be sure which, but trust, someone’s getting wet today. In other parts as u can see these moving clouds, temperatures shall rise to about 25 degrees Celcius, that’s Celcius, not Farenheit, so go figure!

Political / Power Brokers;

These are the guys that support the ruling government. Their job is to sit at strategic offices and wait for foreigners looking for permits, land or Presidential favors. They “connect” you to the big guy for a “fee” then lay back and buy us pints and praise the ruling government. This class of chaps is responsible for the Global Corruption index that favors African governments.

Philanthropists;

No, not Micheal “bullshit” Ezra and his antics. Issuing bouncing cheques to charitable causes does not count. To get this job, one must be a real dime person with real estate and spare change in authentic dollars. This dime is strictly not for display to journalists in a hidden hotel but for actually giving out to real causes like malaria eradication and TB prevention. Wish I could have this.

But in the meantime, away from the dream jobs, its back to the usual nonsense…………..yearly appraisal crap!!

Leak This!!

Governments have surely ran out of creativity, their minds blinded by the next big deal….or election, they can’t think straight anymore. If anyone pisses ‘em off, charge the bastard with rape! Zuma faced the wrath of the Mbeki government when he was charged with rape, and so was Besigye a few years earlier, and so was Kobe Bryant, Mike Tyson and Tupac Shakur, wonder who those ones pissed off!

The latest victim is the “hard nut to crack” Julian Assange of the WikiLeaks fame. He is being charged with taking a forceful “WikiLeak” on some 2 chicks in Sweden in around August this year. One of the chicks, like Mike Tyson before, actually offered him her apartment so he could live there while he was attending a media conference in Sweden, so they were actually roomies. The reported “WikiRape” happened 3 days before Assange moved out, so what gives??

The other “WikiRape” was some chick that had almost 500 pictures of the man, as if he was a rock star. She attended the conference and sat at the front and made sure this guy saw her and took her out. So what about???

What we have failed to understand however is why this guy did not leak to us through his WikiLeaks site that he was going to be arrested for rape…oh, I get it, he only leaks shit that has happened.

His arrest however shall be met with mixed reactions….first, governments do not need to show all the stuff they do, some things are best left unsaid, it’s a rule that applies even to normal friendships, we talk behind our backs all the damn time, but as long as the other person doesn’t know, we live on, so why publish secret stuff? That’s irresponsibility, not media freedom.

However, some bullshit taxpayers feel they have to know every damn thing that goes on, and are applauding Wikileaks, albeit the dangers it may wreck upon countries. These guys need to slow down.

So what do the late night show hosts have to say about Mr Assange;

"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France and Julian Assange." - Conan O’Brien

"WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama’s administration has been marred by leaks….the BP oil leak, Wiki leaks….” – Anonymous

“Federal workers have had their pay frozen for 2 years. The worst part is that they found out on WikiLeaks!” – Jay Leno

Top 4 signs your neighbor is the WikiLeaks guy;

4 – Name on mailbox reads “WikiLeaks Guy!”

3 – He insists you speak directly into his necktie.

2 – On re-cycling day, he puts out cans, bottles and classified documents!

1 – When he gets drunk, he takes a “Wiki Leak on your porch!”

After all is said and done, its hard what to make out of this guy!

The 2010 partitioning of Africa!!

When Warid brought in Dual Sims, it ushered into the world the theory of splitting into many parts in the area of technology. However, this theory has been happening right under our noses in the general sphere of life, starting with the 1884 Berlin partitioning of Africa agreement where Africa was sliced up like a Dominoes pizza and different pieces offered to the European children on their birthdays, except for Ethiopia and the Mighty Jah Ras Tafari who fought the Italian mafias back to Sicily.

Uganda had 38 districts in 1994, coz we used to name each of them while in school, and Rwanda was jokingly called Uganda’s 39th district during that time Uganda’s army helped them take over. A couple of dead rats eaten and other bizarre antics later, we now have almost 180.

Our brothers in the muslim fraternity not wanting to miss out on this new partitioning trend voted a new “rival” mufti so they could have 2 factions. Of late, even the one that had remained as the official Mufti got sacked and the Deputy asked to replace him – they are still waiting.

The Kingdom of Busoga, whose hereditorial stunts are as hard to understand as the jiggers that have invaded their kingdom, have about 3 Kings right now, all “legitimately” elected, since the King’s son does not automatically take over. Presidential candidates are having an extremely hard time figuring out which of the 3 Kings to bribe for their subjects’ vote!

In Ivory Coast, a former tremendously fantabulous country with a record of peace better than lousy Tanzania and its rude inhabitants, has finally accepted and turned into a normal African country with true African characteristics expected of Africans by the major media punks like BBC and CNN who are having a field day reporting from yet another failure on the dark continent!

The Ivorians have 2 sitting Presidents, 2 Prime Ministers and 2 full cabinets. Wonder whether they have 2 Revenue Authorities coz that’s where money comes from. Like their neighbors Nigeria, there is a Muslim North and a Christian South with a conglomerate of tribes within, however the religious animosity stands out. So like a true African democracy, the incumbent refused to lose, and he has the army to back him up, a lesson learned from Madagascar, the army rules! Let’s wait for yet another power sharing agreement with an executive Prime Minister (the chap that “won”)

An imminent split is also waiting to happen in Sudan, after their referendum in January 2011, and if Ghadaffi had his way, he would split Nigeria into 2 states. How does a guy advocating for 1 African government be the same chap telling Nigeria to split…beats the oblangatta!

In less interesting news, DP candidate Mao (who previously asked for the North to split from Ug) rolled over in his car several times while on the Mityana road after his driver hit a pot hole! The Ministry of Works in cahoots with traffic policemen immediately came in and took those measurements, questioned “potential witnesses” and sent the findings back to the labs for analysis after which they concluded that “the driver was over speeding….the pot hole had nothing whatsoever to do with anything” and so this guy shall be charged with breaking the speed limits, and the pot hole shall remain as a deterrent to future drivers along this route that want to break speed limits!

The rest of the candidates were as usual bashing the government and the government bashing back, nothing new really! (Let's hope we wont have an executive Prime Minister after all this)

The MTN marathon do's and don'ts!!

So you are going for the MTN marathon, u corporate chap you!! Several warnings about what you should eat and what to avoid shall be sent to you by wanna-be physicists who have been watching a lot of Oprah, but do you really want to win this thing? Hells no!! People are in it for the fun of it!

As chaps that have cable (those ballistic anti-copyright bullshitters that show supersport with total disregard for that MNET sole license holder crap), we got to see the real reasons why you shouldn’t go for that marathon by some health advisors who definitely have nothing to do with bullshit Oprah and her fitness punks coz you definitely won’t win, and here’s some reasons why;

10 –Your number “467” is also your cholesterol.

9 – You once pulled a hamstring opening your mail.

8 - Crowd noise drowned out by your wheezing!

7 – Ofwono Opondo shoots you in the face with the starter’s pistol (you may be in a blue shirt bitch!)

6 – You’re so fat you are wearing the MTN headband / bandana on your wrist!

5 – Miss start of race because you are in the bank collecting a bounced cheque from Mike Ezra

4 – Miss race because you are catching grasshoppers in Bukoto.

3 – 2 kilometers and you fall into a giant pot hole!

2 – You get totally exhausted at the signpost of “first water point”

1 – You are still trying to finish last year’s marathon!!

That obviously leaves out winning as an option, and settles you for the blast bit of it. With the election fever on however, serious confusion is going to ensue as to whether this is one mammoth NRM bash or something, coz the ruling party has already painted the city yellow, what with all sorts of posters never even imagined by advertising gurus like Satchi and bullshit Satchi, like the trolley thingy at the Kiira Rd Police station roundabout, now who thought of that? Or the ads at the Kampala Golf Course? Or the Kololo grounds where the race will take off? There will just be no difference.

However, politicking aside, you shall have two options for the marathon, the 42 kilometer run or the 21 kilometer run for the jokers written about above. If you are not sure of which category to run in and yet you are constantly runnin’, these will help you know if you can join the 42 kilometer run and compete with the Inzikuru's;

10 – You spend more time in the drug section than the food section of the local market.

9 – You have more dirt on your shoes than in your garden.

8 – You get more phone calls at 5AM than at 5PM.

7 – You don’t recognize your friends with their clothes on.

6 – You have more buckles than belts.

5 – You postpone your wedding because it will interfere with training.

4 – You always have at least one black toenail.

3 – You can expound on the virtues of eating salt.

2 – You run marathons for morning exercises.

1 – Your name begins with Kip……..and ends with …(kip)choge…..(kip)riso….(kip)lagat….

Well, wish y’all the best in yo jogging, at least you are pretty damn sure of getting a certificate, that 10k is worth every step!

Memorable TV Quotes!!

Gotta love movies on a stray Monday afternoon (u have to forget work for a while, who the hell loves work anyways?). Chaps that write this shit are just too imaginative u wish you would watch a movie the whole day (and not who killed Captain Alex…wololololololo).

Watching “Heat”, the 1995 crime movie, police on the hunt for the bad guys, one of the guys who has been trailed for the most part of the day gets on the phone to the other guy and goes;

“man u gotta watch yo back, the feds are so onto me like a cheap suit…” and it sure does remind you of some knock off CK jean that just couldn’t let go of your skin.

Although most old (30 year old buggers) pretend not to watch cartoons (not today’s, those suck) but am talkin’ bout the looney toons, some of these guys had one liners that just crack you up, like the chicken Foghorn Leghorn;

“This boy’s as confused as a feather in a whirlwind…”

“This boy’s as strong as an ox….and just about as smart”

“That girl’s like the road between Fortworth and Dallas…….no curves!!”

“Some days it don’t pay to get outta bed”

“What’s the matter with you, you look like 2 miles of bad road!!”

“Are you alright son, I keep hearing the most terrifying sounds in there!”

“You’ve gotta be a magician to keep a kid’s attention more than 2 minutes nowadays”

“That dog’s busier than a centipede at a toe-countin’ contest…”

“That boy’s just like a tattoo….gets under yo skin”

“That boy’s as timid as a rodent at a cat-show!”

The mafia movies though have memorable quotes for the bad-ass-ness they potray those chaps;

“I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse”

”You talkin’ to me”

“This isn’t personal kay, this is business!”

“I took the liberty of bullshittin you!”

“Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong and disposable!” (chick to a bunch of chaps)

“Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash!”

“That’s classified, if I tell you, I’ll have to kill you”

“Sucking all the bone marrow out of life doesn’t mean chocking on the bone”

“You seem somewhat familiar….have I threatened you before?”

That’s too damn serious for my liking, back to my favorite chaps, Sanford and Son (Redd Foxx) and Richard Pryor, and the favorite one liners, first Mr Foxx;

“The food here is so tasteless…u could eat a meal of it and belch, and it wouldn’t remind u of anything!”

“I am 65, my friends’ say I look 55, I feel 45, I’ll settle for 35, but u make me feel 25!”

“Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone!”

“A girl’s legs are her best friends, but the best of friends eventually have to part..”

“She’s got TB…..Terrific Body!”

“Let me tell you something. If you ain't outta here by the time I count to three I'm gonna take this crutch and wrap it around your head so many times you'd think you were wearing a wooden turban!”

“Employment officer: What’s yo education background?
Sanford: Well I was working towards my PhD but didn’t quite make it!
Employment Officer: Well how far did you get?
Sandford: About the 10th Grade!!”

Richard Pryor:

“I went to Zimbabwe…I know how white people feel in America now, relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren’t coming after me!”

“I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying till I get it right!”

“He was doin a sentence.....triple life! How do you do triple life? He has to die and come back and go to prison? F*****n kindergarten, get your little ass back to the penitentiary!”

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings…..and lawyers!”

“You don’t f**k with double muslims, coz they can't wait to get to Allah, and they always take 8-12 people with them!”

“Slaves built all the shit down here…..or carried the shit that built it!”

“I’m not addicted to coke, I just love the way it smells. I couldn’t stop, I put the pipe down, it jumped back right at me!”

And that’s just about it!

No title...(i fear those google ads that come with it)

Yes “anonymous”, I have been “outside countries”, just here in Kigali, but since I parted with 360$ for a bullshit 40 minute ride, I can also pose that I was outside countries! We really are low developed countries. Those tea drinkers at the UN in their free time should add one more objective in the MDG’s, “buy a serious plane for your freakin national airline, u poor Africans”.

These Rwanda Air chaps have a plane that has propellers, some shit I saw in God’s must be crazy! Who still flies this shit! Before the damn thing can kick start the engine, some chap starts rotating the propeller blades till they catch momentum then the engine kicks off. And the in-flight entertainment is an instruction manual of “where to find the floaters in case shit goes down!”

And why do plane chaps scare the wits out of passengers before take off?

“Sir, u are seated at the emergency window, are u sure u can handle the requirements…..well good, now we shall be flying over water so in case we crash we shall land in the water, first look outside to make sure there are no obstacles then lift this door as instructions show, after that, you are required to stand on the wing and help ALL other passengers off the plane, but first, get your emergency floater from beneath the seat!”

“Who the hell you think I am?? The damn pilot!!! I thought he gets everyone off!!”

Of course after this scare, all we need is a beer to help us forget, but no, not this eagle air look-alike! Juice and water, if u don’t want, jump out the emergency window bitch!!

So much for all that dime!

Anywho, back to the ballisticness of Kla, and the theatrics contune!

A mayoral candidate of some obscure part of town you don’t give a rat’s dirty behind about got “kidnapped”. He must be cursing his gods (yep, the small buggers that drove him to pull this one off) for the media treated the whole farce like a true one-man circus, using apostrophes for serious words like “kidnapped” and “missing”. We got tired of this kidnap bullshit when a movie “director” got “kidnapped” 2 days before the release of his lousy flick, only to turn up “tied by ropes” at a railway crossing, knowing too damn well the last train that worked here was in 1951, too convenient if u asked. His movie went on to flop and his name disappeared like a government commission of inquiry report! And hopefully so will this candidate....who mysteriously "appeared at a police station covered in blood, because one of his captors "punched" him".

In other sides, advertisers have continued to collude with telecom “giants” to rip us off by continuously lying to us only to be awaken from our broke slumber a tad bit late. The buggers at MTN have been advertising 1/= per second, u would think you have finally arrived to the promised land of super savings on airtime and super diverting that dime to the sexual network (I know u would).

Airtime bought and sim card procured, u proceed to make that 59 second call before you are rudely interrupted and cut off like a half-complete building falling in the city center! These bastards then tell u “oh, u didn’t know?? Ok it’s 1/= per second alright, but only for the first 4 seconds. The rest is back to the normal programming of the usual 450 bucks a minute, starting from the 5th second……soriiiii!!!”

MTN, keeping u connected….or is it disconnected!!

3rd time name changers (as if divorced and re-married chicks) Zain have taken the sexual network of partners to a level last seen since King Mswati married his 13th chick, just last month! After a bitter divorce with that hoodlum Celtel who ripped us off in 1995 with huge brick phones of 2 million bucks and calls at 3 thou a minute, they brought in Wyclef Jean to perform at their wedding ceremony with Zain. After not even 3 years, they decided that Zain was impotent, and the bastard wasn’t circumcised, so they married Airtel and pronounced him yesterday and their new name change! Get off the sexual network, u buggers!

Well I wouldn’t mind these chaps, the real chaps to be shot are the guys doing these day’s ads. These things are more nauseating than a Celine Dion hit song! The chaps that do the Warid thing with a nagging campuser (or so we assume) always asking where her chap has reached;

“honey, where are you???”

“am in a traffic jam…”

“eh eh…nga I cant hear the traffic man, tell him to blow his whistle…”

“Officer………”

Bullshit chick, after telling the guy to blow the whistle, she then calls and asks the incompetent bugger to hoot to confirm he is on his way, then that? Who would want to give his chick his Warid number if this is the shit she will be doing? Guys, style up. UTL not wanting to be outdone in the “worst ad ever” bandwagon, unlash a nursery rhyme that can make u wish their licence was cancelled, and it goes;

“One croc-dyylo beat a telephone….”

Anyway, some crap like that, it’s so embarrassing even to type out the whole thing, but what the heck, who cares right?

In more interesting news though, the campaigns are going unexpectedly smoothly this time round. Journalists from CNN and the BBC are super pissed they have no usual African violence shit to report. No guys pangaring themselves or destroying plantations, well, that’s at least for now (Indians are already scuttling to the safety of the kibera slums), hope the status quo remains and these journalists go back where they belong.

As for the promises, true to political comedy…the railway will be fixed, just like that, federal governance for all, pay rise for every living thing in Ug, loans to students, scrapping pay as you earn for those below 400,000 (that’s MANY of us), inquiries into the 1935 massacres of blacks by the colonialists, and oh, the 1986 ones too (u all know who this is, he of the disbanding the electoral commission, fuck free education and good health, only the commission matters now)….if only promises would come true, elections should be everyday.

All work and no pray.......(ignore that ad up there)

In case you thought priests were the only chaps that worked on Sundays (yet their boss rested on this day), u sure were wrong. A larger number of us are beginning to work on Sundays so don’t be super shocked when yo boss asks you for that precious Sunday to come in and polish up on that presentation to the board. In fact, u expect others to work, so why not you….and here are the “others” that work on Sunday;

Rolex sellers;

Coporatal chaps these days drink till morning (my advise to them is to go jump of a roof if they are looking for a faster way to kill themselves). They usually drive off at 6am and head straight to that rolex guy for that much needed fix, before they go home, sleep and return to the bar on a Sunday evening on that bullshit of “man we pushed till morna, it was 7 in the cocks when I walked out..….man we were super baalaaazzzedddd!!” These factors have created jobs on Sunday mornings for Sula’s competitors. And trust these guy’s street smarts, there is now a rolex with katogo in it, wa’gwan!!

Fake pastors;

These chaps are super busy on Sunday sowing seeds of empty after-life promises to unsuspecting members of the congregation who would not have lost their dimes if they had drunk ‘til 7 in the cocks’, and would only have spent 3k bucks on a katogo rolex other than the car log book and land title they have promised “Evangelist Apostle X” for that last spot in heaven (and a visa to the US while at it, and oh, a passport too before u 4get sir pastor)!

Service Industry employees;

From Cineplex to all shopping malls, Sunday is no rest day, that Sabbath shit of “respect the resting day” ended on that exam paper of CRE, of PLE. Nga u can see bu smart chicks climbing taxis at 7am and u think we are such a religious society, until the taxi passes the road going up to Christ the King Church and stops at Nandos where the bu chicks step off and head to Dominoes or Mateos and organize the aprons for work. Bosses who refuse to work on Sunday then stroll in and start yelling at the poor bu chicks “Customer is king”, fuck off u lazy boss, at least she woke up to work, cut her some slack, this ain’t yo office bitch, u are no king here!

Street Vendors;

For some reason, people be bored to death on Sundays, there is nothing to do at home. TV stations show live proceedings of church services / masses (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are) while radio stations play gospel music (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are). The only alternative is to buy newspapers or movies (for a standard 1 thou). These vendors be walking around with baggage on their hands you would think they were created to be forklifts, then Jah changed his mind, he said “fuck it, let it be a human”. Their arms be bursting with veins that look like chain saws as they carry around that mass heap of merchandise, even garbage trucks do less mugging work than these guys.

Telcom Engineers / Switch attendants;

These guys usually pint at Silk but do not tell you they have work on Sunday, anti they are posers like that, what with the branded pickups and blackberrys! They climb poles during the day and make reports on Sunday while checking if our networks are clear, but do not observe the day of the Sabbath, they probably think it’s a Jacuzzi bath tub kinda thingy, after theorizing it with their pie charts and exponential formulae…so they go to office instead to check the blinking thingies on the mast computer controls.

So we basically have these people to thank, along with smelly housegirls and lice infested gate keepers and the insanely broke private security askaris for keeping our Sundays alive. The rest who do no shit on Sunday, it’s time to pick a leaf, and these are;

Bloody Government employees – just driving around our cars to pick charcoal and shit.

Corporatal punks – Just because they said 8 to 5 Mon to Fri doesn’t mean you can’t work out of hours.

The buggers at Aristoc – Why the hell do they close on Sundays, as if we don’t want to read then!

Iguana bar – These punks don’t know that the best pint is on a Sunday, what’s with the closing?

Motorcyle freaks – Oba are they working when they ride to Entebbe beaches with bu chicks clinging on..

God – But u guy God, why don’t u solve the world’s problems when all the above are sleeping?

Well, as for me, the tables wont wait themselves, let me go see what this corporate punk wants!

Time for Defections!!

News streamin’ in from my fav institution, the church, has it that “5 Bishops Defect to Catholic Church”. Confused as I usually be, I thought this was a typo error, thinking they had mistaken “Church” for “NRM”, coz chaps be defecting on a daily (if you blindly believe The New Vision).

To know that the typo errors were too many, consider these;

Last week, 3 UPC chaps “defected” to the movement. 2 were retired and 1 was active. The UPC said “they were of no consequence so they can BURST!!”.

In the church, 2 of the defecting chaps were retired, 3 were active, and the gay Bishop of Canterbury was like “well, 2 were retired, of no consequence, and as for the rest of those 3 little buggers, well they were so low in ranks that we can only sit by and wish them well….”

Any difference…..let’s see more coincidence;

The UPC is an opposition party, and so is the Anglican Church. These Anglican guys used to be known as “Protestants” till they heard that even the NRA had changed it’s name to a more popular UPDF, and “Reform Agenda” became “FDC” then “IPC”, so who the heck are they to maintain an unpopular militaristic name, coz it did quite sound like “Protestors”.

“Protestants” were mainly protesting the fact that their leaders were not allowed to legally chow their members of the congregation to senseless levels that they were forced to marry them. All they wanted was to marry! So they defected! And took the same Bible with them while at it!

Now, some of them are returning, just like the UPC fellaz! It comes at a backdrop of the Pope’s recent visit to Britain. No wonder they call him the “Holy See”, guy’s got vision godamit. We don’t know who his “Amama Mbabazi” is that paid these guys to defect, or whether they will be named Ministers in the Pope’s next Vatican cabinet re-shuffle.

In more disturbing news from the land of faith, little-known but wanting to be very known Pastor Sempa was at it again….showing gay porn in his church! What’s with this lumpen…and where the hell does he get gay porn??!! Even the hardest erotic movie dealers can never have this shit…..coz they don’t have it (and probably never want to)! We should investigate whether the Pastor acts in these movies himself! Chaps just beg him one thing;

“Sir Pastor, we have come here to get redeemed, please help us get “Born Again”!

All he hears is “We want to watch that gay Porn Again!!!”

And he does;

The shit we do for publicity!

While you were away...

Big Brother (that show with no sense of direction) eventually ended our misery in front of the tv’s fighting for the remotes with chicks (although Saborati has quickly intervened to keep chicks on the telly) is looking to be more entertaining on the outside of the house than the damn show itself was!

The eventual loser, a one Munya, who actually thought he could win (according to bullshit chicks that keep yappin’ this shit) was handed a 300,000 dollar prize by none other than his President Mugabe, the senile Prez! Apparently Mugabe said that Nigeria has way more viewers of MNET that the vote had to be rigged to give them the dimes (an assertion Morgan Changaa has welcomed, saying it actually happened to him a few years back).

The ka loser then immediately praised Mugabe as a young force to reckon with and pledged his behind to him in the coming errection……no, elections! “At 86, this ka guy has a ki ballistic vision (and hefty cheques too) and I shall be waiting for his call to hit the campaign trail, that’s if he hasn’t died by then”

In Kampala here here, the campaigns are also going on, however the punk that represented Uganda at the Big Brother thingy (what’s his name…errrrr, u don’t remember? Me neither) hasn’t even been consulted, coz we got better shit to do! Music producers however have been consulted to help Sevo arrange the beats for his ballistic chart topper (oba which charts?) Do want another rap??...

In his song, he is heard asking for a cane, probably to do a “kiboko squad” on these masquerading “presidential hopefuls”. That guy Kizza Besigye is not playing around, he has unlash campaign posters written on “Dr Kizza Besigye: President Of Uganda”……whatever that means!

But as the police were busy herding these presidential chaps and their flock in proper directions, the few they left behind in the field were tracking local gangsta turned movie star Mike Ezra, the man with 9 lives and 9 different arrest warrants. His Kaunda suit was grabbed, but this time it was in form of military fatigues. At this rate, Ugandan security chaps will hire carpenters to build a wardrobe for “fugitive’s clothes grabbed in near-escapes, featuring Joseph and Mike’s lingerie”.

And just like Kony’s guitar was arrested, Ezra had his rental agreement with the landlord of his Kololo house arrested and terminated. Now the ka chap has no house, although he keeps calling radio stations to assure them he has eluded the police…yet again. He is now turning out to be like one of those radio callers that keep calling Radio 1’s “Spectrum” with their views….like we give a shit!!

If it’s dime that you want, then threaten yo bosses and they will relent, like that Shrek look-alike soccer punk, Rooney. This chap paid prostitutes for a chow like they were Uhuru’s pilao, addictive shit. He then turned into a whore himself and asked for more dimes from the guys who were paying him, and threatened to move on to a client that was willing to pay way more dimes, for the same blow jobs!

They allowed!

Luckily for the Chilean miners, they were out of the underground before their 15 minutes of fame were over taken by this little greedy prostitutin' lumpen. The last miner reached the surface and almost went back, saying he had forgotten the lights on……and he hadn’t flushed the latrine! The rescuers were pissed that none of these buggers brought them even a ka piece of gold. The miner however who got the most out of this was not the chap that came out first, or last, but it was some guy whose wife was waiting for him….and 3 bu side chows. He has since been named “the Tiger Woods of mining!”

Ah what the heck, we are headed for campaign time, expect a ka dose of tear gas, and probably the closure of just 2 or 3 radio stations, wonder who Ezra will be calling now!!

To cheat on a powerful African Political Lumpen!!

News streamin’ in from the South is quite interesting, let’s only hope it’s not the usual British propaganda, but this time am sure it ain’t!

Robert Mugabe (that colossal archeological 85 year old fixture) has been devastated….not by his sister’s death (who was still young at 75), not by the latest grim economic figures recently released and definitely not by the fact that Morgan Changaa’ is going to break away from the unity govt when it’s “mandate” expires, but because his wife Grace, a high flying ki brown brown who is 44 years old (way far from menopause, unlike her fossil husband) has been cheatin’ on him (surprise surprise) with his best friend and personal banker, a one Gideon Gono.

Mugabe (that archeological character that should be buried in Old Vai Gorge with Zinjathropas’ remains since they were born together) was told of this affair by his sister who was on her death bed, heck, she had nothing to lose!

He quickly summoned his personal bodyguard whom he had assigned the duty of keeping this chick within his sights, and the news he gave Mugabe was more devastating than the losses he made in the rigged parliamentary elections of 2003!

The guard said he knew the shit was going on for like 2 years or so, but he feared to tell the big (and very old) boss Robert! He was summarily poisoned and buried without a post mortem, they said it was a severe case of Bugisu jiggers, poor fella!

The ballistic Grace, who shops her stuff from China and Bangkok after she was locked out of the Great UK and major shops in Paris and New York, hooked up with the real deal, a 50 year old Reserve Bank chief with a 47 bedroom house in a country with an estimated total of just 4,700 bedrooms! The rest are iron sheet structures held together by stones on the roofs. That way, the bodyguard had no idea which bedroom the screams were emanating from.

But re-ya-lly, am on Grace’s side on this one. This lumpen Mugabe had her as his ballistic secretary (u gotta have one as a powerful chap) in the mid-90’s. He landed for this chick harder than the kiboko squad’s ripples after that cane, and started an affair with her (she was already married, she is an affair kinda chick, she rolls like that) and kumbe all this time Mugabe’s popular wife Sally was battling kidney cancer.

As soon as Sally died in 1996 (his wish granted) he married the flamboyant-cheating-sassy lass Grace, to the chagrin of his comrades, who thought this was some kamanyiiro of the highest degree. His bu boys had swam well and they had sired 2 lousy bundles of pampers from this affair.

This chick has meanwhile had 2 other affairs since marrying the colossal failure Mugabe, one of the chaps died in a weird car accident (they said it run out of fuel – then killed him in anger) and the other got driven outta town like Okwir Rwaboni in 2002, never to return. The current chap is fearing for his life (and sexual organs he couldn’t control while at it) and is on the low low.

And just recently 1 month ago, the Justice Minister (married) of Swaziland ku-manyiraad the man of the moment King Mswati the virgin conqueror by having an affair with his 12th wife (out of a very miserly 13) a former ki ballistic Miss Teen who at 22 wanted more chows than the lumpen King was offering!

The Minister, a “childhood friend” (as if Kategaya) of the King, was put under surveillance after intelligence sources saw him on numerous occasions eyeing the ka young queen in suggestive ways (virgin eyes he had). She has since been put under house arrest pending trial.

The weirdest shit about all this is the sentences these two are likely to receive, kinda reminds ya of the MGM classic Ben Hur type movies...

If found guilty, the ka ballistic 22 year old will be banished from Swaziland, probably to the land of far far away, while the Justice Minister will be guillotined and his head fed to a bunch of hungry warthogs in the forests!! He will probably be taken there with a couple of chaps he brought to justice earlier, as the freakin Justice Minister.

So what do we learn from all this!

Money is bullshit! Ok, not totally, it helps lure the broad! But after that……..the chick needs way more than that dime shit!

So from now on, my goal is to be a close confidnt to a rich old tard with a taste for the sassy lasses that prowl our town, easy quick meal!! Shit, problem is I could get executed…or poisoned….or car crashed!!

The things we do for chicks!

When the aliens invade......

Isn’t it nice to be in a Low Developing Country? We think normal! Our biggest worries are hitting the bloody MDG’s, which of course we won’t, coz we shall be busy spending that money on our “leaders”, fuck poor people!

The United Nations, a conglomerate of beaurocratic idiots with no clear intentions, set 2 goals to the 2 different classes of people that inhabit earth.

To the poor people, the ever nagging MDG’s, which are like an ACCA exam we are bound to fail, but still enroll for class anyway. To the rich people, they came up with some organization, whose acronyms you don’t care to know coz it’s worthless anyway, to deal with “Outer Space”.

A Malaysian chick has been named to head this nonsensical venture, her top responsibility being “meeting the aliens when they show up and be like ”take me to your leader””. She will be the leader.

Who thinks up this shit?? Ban Ki Moon?? No wonder the fella is named “moon”, outer space material I tell ya.

So what’s the scenario.

A ki space ship lands (and obviously not in Africa, y’all seen the movies) and some soldiers are called in to surround the damn thing. The lead alien (who we assume is way brighter than we be) steps out of the space ship and mumbles some shit! For some strange reason, the sub-titles will show and the army guy will immediately know that this chap wants to see the leader…..for what? Who knows? Ask Moon! (in case it lands in Africa, the army guys will ask for a bribe to "connect" the alien / investor to State House)

Anywho, the army guy calls the UN and tells the chick “Bitch, finally some work you can actually do…..so much for all the salary you have been getting for no work done….your bitchy royal days are over, talk to this alien”

“Hi..is it Sir or Madam, this is the Leader of Earth, wanna come over for a cup of tea and a chat?, IT’S ALL WE DO AT THE UN”

You just have to wonder what else this “alien” will want apart from tea. Maybe take some people as slaves to work on their farms, and if this is the case, the Malaysian chick has been instructed by the “Security Council” to direct these aliens to “Darfur”. They were like “Fuck it, they are killing themselves anyway, offer them some real jobs out there”. The team has also been briefed that……

In case the aliens want chaps who never really grow old, they’ll throw in Mugabe and Kenneth Kaunda!

In case they want a Shaspearean guy who is all talk and no action – throw in Obama.

In case they need mercenaries’ who strictly fight for dimes (to hell with a cause) - the US military.

In case they need perpetually perennial losers – Besigye, Raila, all Kagame’s opponents, Arsenal….

In case they need conspiracy theorists to fool an entire planet – The Vatican and other religious heads.

In case they need suicide bombers who have given up hope on life – The FDC and IPC chaps.

In case they need socializing animals who blast all week – Face bookers.

In case they need very good liars – Politicians.

In case they need nagging annoying bullshit chicks – Viewers of Saborati, Eduardo, side mirror!!

In case they need crap - Send this blog (and KCC)!!

Patent this!!

Copyright, trademark, patent…….these are words that we have come to learn to live with as capitalism and the un-ending search of dimes dictates our lives today. Chaps want money so bad, they will do anything to have it for themselves.

Some bastards at a large pharmaceutical company have patented the rights to some malaria drugs, meaning NO ONE else is allowed to make ‘em. We silly Africans just send chaps to the UN to eat sausages instead of yelling out this shit! We are therefore buying drugs at super expensive prices yet we could make them here, but no, we do not have the “rights” to that invention.

The recent miners that were evacuated from the Chile underground world after 68 or so days brought this human greed to the fore! Among the chaps sent to prep them for their return to “earth” were psychologists meant to help them cope back into this weird life we live in. The MOST important thing they told the miners was that “do not narrate your ordeals to journalists, just hug yo family members and head straight to a waiting ambulance and disappear till further notice”.

Yep, you may also be wondering why you haven’t seen these chilling tales anywhere, and this is why…

The psychologists want the miners to make as much dime as possible (and give them a 30% commission on proceeds while at it) from the book and movie deals they (the miners) are going to scoop in the very near future, therefore telling their stories now will only be spoiling their “box office” weekend sales for this highly anticipated drama. You can imagine chaps almost died, but we humans don’t give a shit, we look for the money side of it. These underground clowns have been “patented”.

Just here here in Nairobi, the chaps at Safaricom, the largest mobile phone network have dragged their competitors Zain to court over “using their words”. Kumbe even words can be owned! Apparently, Safaricom’s slogan is “the better option” and Zain, whose creative marketing thinkers had their brains trapped underground for over 68 days and had no clue what to do, came up with their slogan, “the best option”, to the ire of Safaricom bosses who hate the un-innovative types. They went to court to prove this. But really, can you own words?

Geniuses in the Chinese manufacturing industry don’t waste bullshit time trying to please humans, they will steal words with impunity like they were an incumbent African government in an election! They will release a radio called “Pansoanic”, a flat iron named “Philibbs” and a laptop called “Delk”, now if that’s not innovation…..patent that!

Closer home, The New Vision newspaper stooped a bit low with their “new design” which was a complete imitation of “The mighty Pepper”, as they call themselves, and it seems they have been vindicated as mighty indeed. New Vision did an EXACT replica of it’s front page headline design by inserting a red word within the headline in bold which is exactly what the Pepper has been doing for like 5 years, looks like a case of “Philibbs” that needs a court intervention! (capitalism rules!!)

Ah what the heck, we are supposed to search for that dime anyway, patent or not!

No title....I couldn't think of one!!

Bad times these are….1 post in October!! Let me check my bank balance to confirm that I have been “busy minting real dimes”, unlike bullshit Ezra, the man with more arrest warrants than his bank balance….yep, 50,000 is in! Time well used.

So what’s the deal….iyo, in this shanty dusty area of ours lately…

Dr Besigye’s sister, also a doctor, has decided that bullshit medicine has no dimes after all! Kumbe all this time she thought Besigye was a fool to abandon his ka clinic “The Surgery” among other professional businesses to join politics! “That’s where the dimes are bitch”, it seems he told her while she was touring his palatial residence off Gayaza Road. “Sis, this bathroom you see here, forget mike Mukula’s shit of a CD player, mine has a USB thingy where u just plug in the flash with a number, then the water will become the temperature of that number….hmmm, I should holla at the African Woman photographers!”

The chick abandoned her thesis, “Study on the real concoction that can kill mosquitoes and other parasites and eradicate child diseases” and quickly opted to write a book bashing the “fundamental change” guy, “mbu he fought to stop election rigging..”. As we would have it, we are now 1 doctor less, and this one was not even because of brain drain….oh wait, maybe her brain has been drained.

The brother (of the ballistic house) was in the Supreme court, but not because of the book. He was petitioning them to ask the bu guys at the high court to give him a break from this treason bullshit so he can campaign and move to a bigger house in Ebbs! They allowed.

The Gava chaps are however insisting that unless this guy stops wanting to move into that Ebbs house, they still have “evidence” to “pin” him, words that have become so cliché we are sick! Let the guy be godamit! (I could get arrested for this shit – cyber crime they call it)

In the Ministry of potholes, 50 kilometers of the Kabale - Kisoro “highway” was handed over to the government yesterday. There is still no idea as to where they had taken this road but yesterday it showed up, so they (the guys handing over) did the damn handing thingy.

The bastards at KCC have opened a war on residents and businesses. Our houses are being showered with warning letters from their agents “Bageine & Co” ati they are demanding property rates. These silly lumpens whose Head is putting it’s behind on Museveni have had their bank accounts frozen like sperm at Dr Ssali’s fertility clinic because the Mayor put his behind on the Town Clerk and she protested, so they could no longer see eye to eye. (behind to behind perhaps)

Since the town clerk signs off on all different cheques to be stolen by these officials, the Mayor asked court to block the bank accounts.The stranded lumpens at the Town Clerk’s office then embarked on a “drive” to raise dimes, and instead of calling Ezra for a few fake ones, they decided to raid homes and businesses collecting Local Service Tax and Property Rates. Any complaints about where the money was going since we are surrounded by pot holes were met with a copy of “Uganda’s Local Government Tax Laws handbook – not written by Besigye’s sister edition!!”

In the region of Busoga (yep, the chaps that have 2 Kings), a well-organised terrorist group infiltrated the area in swarms not known before to human kind. These bastards put al-shabaab to shame in their methodology and evasiveness even to the highly trained PGB and CDC forces from the Ministry of Health. The Al-Jiggers have been setting camp on people’s toes and fingers and wrecking mayhem on these broke chaps who can’t afford “safety pins” and Blue Star bar soap!

Their RDC (the most useless political appointees) was over-heard asking for a by-law to make personal hygiene compulsory. “Mr Speaker Sir, we ask you to make it a criminal act for people in Busoga if they don’t shower for 2 straight days…” the guy seemed to say.

Al-Shabbab members have been sent to study the methodologies of these body part terrorists since metal detectors are killing their business!

Well, that’s just about it from the ballistic land…..

now, back to increase on that 50k in the bank!

Campaign season is at hand!!

Campaign season is on, and everyone is tryin to get a piece of the action! If it’s not those forgery masters at Nkurumah road printing funny looking calendars with dates of 1995 or weird posters with funny slogans like “for development and peace” yet the ka idiot is standing for LC 2 councillor (what army? what peace?), it is advertisers; “as some of you know me, I am campaign for the post of chancellor….manya councilor, to change singsz…..senk u senk u, I will give u free air, from Zain”

Women, never cease to amaze! Yep, they too have demands coz its campaign season. They apparently have a “Women’s Forum” in Munyonyo in a coupla days, and as a pre cursor, hope that word is right, they make some noise to attract some attention to this gathering thingy! Their ring leader was over heard and also quoted in a newspaper saying “we want co-habiting legalized” Damn woman, that’s some heavy stuff!

Before the devil could say “Amen”, she cont-uned…continued! “Only married people are allowed to recover singz from their husbands when they divorce, or even when they die, what about the 80% of us who live with the ka man and he goes, we don’t get anysing!!! Wolololololooo zis is pure ssuggery of the highest order. Now that it is voting time, we shall only vote parties that advocate this agenda!”

Shit, now punks have to posture to these demands too! So all these bu campus chicks that be co-habiting in the Bugos flats, mbu now they want to take the flat screen after the shit has inevitably ended (which by a weird contrast is also 80% of the time!). The chick wants to take my slippers!! Maybe we should remove the 1.5 points they get to go to campus so they don’t start thinking too hard (chauvinist!! I know!!! Forgiveness preasse!!)

Anywho, the youth (also read unemployed ganja smokers and facebook addicts) are also clamouring a ministerial post from the next government! What a bunch! And their spokesman is a 38 year old lumpen that should be well into his 5th corporate job in a telecom company or bank (super sales executive, vending "packages")! Does this chap know who he represents? Real youth are now different, if you are to campaign to them, here is the stuff to do!

10. Refer to yoself as the Chillaxer-in-Chief

9. Limit speeches to 140 characters or less

8. Broadcast all addresses in 3D

7. Replace Geraldine Bitamazire with a hunky, brooding “twilight” vampire

6. Update yo facebook status every 3 minutes

5. Answer tough questions with "Whatevs"

4. Greet people with “’Sup y’all…..ya cool??”

3. Refer to yo abdominal muscles as "The Cabinet"

2. Check into rehab (Butabika will do), go to prison, check back into rehab, go back to prison, check back into rehab

1. Drink Sprite (oh, and eats loads of rolex...rolaz)!!

If only the campaigns were this cool, no one would be shifting “till the dust has settled”

‘Peace out y’all!!

Rigging Extra-ordinairre!

They say oil is a curse, am beginning to believe so. It brought the word “rig” to Ug, like a socially transmitted disease!

Chaps from Heritage Oil started “rigging” oil wells some time back, before scampering like rioters being showered by tear gas at the Kiseka market, but only after Tullow agreed to part with major dimes to let them continue the “rigging”.Before we knew it, the word was transmitted (not sexually) to the NRM primaries, and has stuck to every vote being done in this country like a cheap suit from that tailor at the verandah of Musana Plaza!

Some guys were winners on one day, declared losers the next and then as if winners the next, we were as confused as the Uganda Police wondering whether 5 or more people need a permit to gather around or not. However, we decided to start looking for a vaccine for this dangerous disease when it creeped into social circles that need a vote from a panel of Judges, the Miss Uganda contest!

This farce that took place over the weekend was typical of an NRM primary, chaps still have no idea who the heck the winner is! So here is what happened! Sylvia Awori, the former organizer threw in the towel for organizing this contest, probably after realizing it had no real effect on her fashion business, just like how the US abandoned Somalia in 1992, “there was no oil bitch!!”

She handed this stuff to some chick named “Church”, so one would imagine a contest of angelic proportions, but not in this Church (pun definitely intended). This Church first organized this contest last year, in which the Miss Uganda UK was flown in to give her acceptance speech, what’s that shit of strutting yo stuff yet the organizer knows you are the shit! We forgave her!

This weekend, the Church chick organized yet another debacle, and she called it “Miss Uganda”, again. She organized “boot camp” where these chicks were trained on how to be ballistic, how to impress the judges and many other funny funny things only Red Pepper is aware of. The organizers even got Judges who would rate these chicks and pronounce a winner.

They did!!

So as the judges sat back, chilling and sipping pints and congratulating themselves on a job well done, they eagerly sat back to see their results come to fruition! It was never to be! Like the Kenyan elections of 2007, the wrong winner was announced, the Electral Commision of the Miss Uganda contest then quickly called in the winners to “State House” and assembled a panel of journalists to cover the event “Live on NTV” before any lumpens could come up with any objections, she was announced and that was that!

The furious Judges then demanded answers “why have we been wasting time here? Okay we enjoyed the red wine and bounty-full samosas but this is bullshit!! The wrong Raila won!! There were stuffed ballot papers, we were only 3 judges but the results are from about 7 people”

The Admission!

The Church chick then allowed, “It’s true the votes were from more people than the electorate…sori, the Judges. You see, we take these chicks to boot camp, and we start rigging the election from there, we know who will win, so we just call in judges to make this comedy look a little more authentic, shya, even NRM does it!! Everybody is doing it!!”

Man, at this rate, we might just begin to believe the conspiracy theories that these “Harriers from Pepsi” have already been paid for by the “eventual winners”, mbu they just use a “teacher from Moroto”, pay the ka lumpen 20k, then give the log book to the real owner!! Ever seen a Kampala chap, corporate chap win this shit?? Don’t they drink the most? Rigging bastards!!

Uganda becomes a Boarding school!!

This couldn’t wait, its an emergency. Either am drunk or am seeing things funnily, “am seeing in tongues!!”

Today’s headline, in the New Vision, “Security to clear parties, weddings” is not supposed to be a big deal, but read the paper, and u are in for a ki deadly shock. Under the new bullshit so called guidelines, issued yesterday, wedding receptions will only go ahead after clearance from the Police. Not bad, you may think, then here this;

“any gathering of more than 5 people in the city and its suburbs must get a clearance from the IGP”, this guy is goin to be the busiest chap EVER!

“We are sounding a warning. No gathering of more than 5 people, even if it is in your compound, shall be held without the clearance from the IGP. We want to ensure the safety of our 32 million people. If business owners can’t afford security gadgets, they should hire bouncers” What gives?? Is hiring free or what!“

This does not stop at weddings, but also applies to wedding meetings, funerals and vigils. Places like funerals attract many people so we need to ensure their safety”What crap!!

So now am in my compound, trying to drink that deadly evening pint, my 3 neighbours have shown up and 3 OB’s have brought pints! Shit, we are now 6, what can we do?

“Does any of you guys have the IGP’s number, we cant meet now, we are 6!!”

“Let one of us go drink at the garage, ok 2 of us so they don’t be lonely, that way, when the police show up, we shall be 4 and 2, no offence”

How about bars, there are usually crowds of more than 5. Now Cayenne has to get “multiple clearances” from the IGP, seeing as they host about 5,000 characters in a night!If this aint bullshit, then there’s no other name for it. Luckily, we have been thru this crap before and this too, shall pass, like the bullshit order to close bars at 10pm!Silly Police, like they don’t have any useful shit to do anymore!

Am really feeling bad for the time we have to go for a vigil, chaps, don’t die, I don’t have the IGP’s direct line, or we shall just dispose of you like the mafia, coz I ain’t getting arrested for nobody!! (that’s my excuse)

Beef with a plan-less "tycoon"

So what’s goin’gz on in this state? Funny shit I tell ya’

There’s a new clown in town! After the pre-mature death of theater factory and the rise of the "same-joke superstar" Pablo (who laughs at his own “jokes”), we finally have a clown we can always miss that important beer to go see……Mike Ezra, the show stopper (or is it starter)

This genius will play with your mind like he was a research scientist at a NASA lab, if he doesn’t leave you in stitches to nurse those broken ribs resulting from the very had laughs, he will leave you in a state of awe, asking him to come give a donation to your NGO or you begging him to lend him some money hoping you will get an interest in the very short term.

I subscribe to the former, the laughing kind!

This genius clown borrows money from one person, then spends it like he had a direct phone call to Jesus and the guy assured him that the world was ending the next day. He will hire a helicopter to go watch a national soccer game, complete with a ring of bodyguards that rival his competitor in the money show business, Col Gaddafi him-u-selef! He will then pay, hard borrowed cash, bonuses to each team player for the win before flying his broke self to the Sheraton.

This carefully-scripted show confuses the Sheraton management into submitting to the broke lumpen’s demands to get an entire Presidential suite on credit;

“Bub, I think he is good for it, he moves in a chopper and shit, let’s just give him the rooms”

“Yes Sir”

After getting a free room, he calls in the press to show them how he is living the life of royalty and issues a blank cheque to these greedy pests who in turn shower him with phony names like “young mysterious tycoon”.

These little shows of sycophancy on the part of the uncouth press give him leverage with more banks, lenders, real tycoons and some international exposure that portray him as credit worthy, a guy whose dimes is stuck in a bid for a large English club, Leeds United (as reported by the reporter hyenas) so he can borrow and will pay back with major interest.

However, the truth is always lurking behind everyone like a hungry dog waiting for you to drop that chicken bone! It strikes like lightning and exposes like a prostitute on Speke Road!

Credits mounted this chap like a young bull elephant on heat, and screwed him like a young bull elephant on heat! He was cornered like a house rat and his only remedy was to run head first onto it’s attackers, no time to think, lay strategy and see a way out, coz he had no other way out, being the plan less rat that he is.

He ran straight to his creditors through his former ass lickers, the press, showing off wads of suspected fake dollars, coz he carefully left behind the chemicals and type writers he had used to print all these rims of paper!

Which idiot pushes off creditors by showing them money……GIVE them the dimes BITCH!!

It’s like your dog barking hard coz its hungry, then the best you do is come out the window, show it a bag of freshly roasted sausages, then telling it not to complain, “coz there’s food, bitch!”

So as we await the next part of this tragi-comedy, coz it sure may not end well, I hope the chaps from barbed wire could start a series around this clown! Or maybe there’s a larger story behind it…..only time will tell!!

Cool Colonialism!!

The world is round – definitely true, the church people can smother themselves on this one, they were wrong to reject those “scientific facts”.

I don’t even have to go Galileo on this one, coz hairstyles do come back, huge shades and bags made a comeback, and yep, colonialism too, it’s back big time, but I don’t think you know this!

Well, it’s not like there are white uniformed chaps out there whipping blacks to submission, but this colonialism has hit us through our tv screens! We are being intoxicated (and am sure as hell not complaining) by tv shows, we have even started speaking like a true colonial character in the modern times, so if you ever catch yourself saying some things, just know that Kwame Nkurumah and Patrice Lumumba will bitch slap you when you eventually meet, coz this is the shit that people here in Ug have resorted to;

When asking for directions:

“Erm, drive about 2 miles after the Ntinda trading center, you will find a bunch of cabs after a Shell gas station, take a left and drive about 3 or 4 blocks down that lane then u’ll see my apartments, holla at yo bwoy when u get there!!”

In real African stuff, this is how we used to say….before the movies!

“kati now, u will drive up to Ntinda, then u will continue driving doooooowwwwwn until u find a stage for special hires at a big mango tree, branch left from there then u will pass about 3 or 4 houses and then u will find as if a ka flat with a green gate….that’s my gwa!”

These days however, here is how we do it…after a couple of series and movies:

When u go to Mulago:

“Man, ad like to see House……or Dr Cox!”

When a police man “pulls you over”

“Officer, I was only doing 80 miles an hour, you popo’s make us sick!!”

When at a petrol station:

“How much does your gas station sell a gallon?”

When sending the housemaid for slippers from the kafunda shop:

“Go down to the store and get me some rubber push-ins!”

When ordering takeaway at Chillies:

“Do you cats have fries?”

When going to the village:

“Man am going to the country to see my old folks!”

When going to the salon / barber shop:

“off to the hair dressers”

When before an England soccer game, you can sing their entire anthem, and can't pass the line of "Oh Uganda......." in ours.

When your ringtone is the Liverpool anthem.

When you say "you are playing at home at Stanford Bridge"

That’s just the few av encountered, we’ll pray to God the whites don’t actually physically come back, although all indicators point to the fact that we may want them back, if our lingo is anything to go by.

Corporate farewells!!

Do You ever be in office (yeah, that corporate stuff) and some little bored nut from HR shows up with some form you have to fill up coz “some employee is leaving”, so he / she needs some stuff written on about them, possibly nice stuff……here’s what you actually be thinking about (I have actually been busy…some bullshit, I know, so I decided to copy and paste this shit from some place I can’t really remember so it looks like I have a new blog post, read on)

Get Well soon leave / Sick leave

Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.

If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.Let me know about the desk.

You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.

Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!

Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!

Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!

Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!

You are actually leaving!!Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!

Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.

Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!

Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.

The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.

Maternity leave

Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.Congratulations!

What colour is it?

Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.

Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.

Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.

Salesman of the year award

I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.

OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!Seriously, let me know.

God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!

I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.

Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?XXXJohn

(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)

Do you pay yo taxes?? Well i try....atleast!!

I've just been registering for a TIN, e-tax style. U see, as a professional lounger with a licence to chill, sometimes we need to make a dime, I mean the utility bills wont magically stop looking for me like a search warrant from a Grade 2 magistrate’s court!

Hence the need to be “tax compliant” in order to hammer a couple of deals here and there.

The process is quite interesting, you use the computer to get your details to URA, that way at least you can lie to a computer without it noticing the body language and investigating further.

Did I say lying, sori, I meant “clarifying”.

The first step is to tell the damn thing yo name, the Sir name and the other one, first name, that one from the white people in the bible thingy.

Then , she asks you for the amount of money you earn, yearly income. Its at this point that a pop up window appears saying “SERIOUSLY!!!! FOR REAL!!!!JUST THAT??!!” and you be like “Fuck off, it’s for true god damn it!”.

She then proceeds to gather information pertaining to your expenses, and after typing in this stuff, she asks, “will you please remove amounts relating to alcohol and tobacco, these cannot be reduced from taxes liable…….” Then I be asking, if a car takes fuel and it is an expense, in the same vein, the body takes fuel / alcohol to keep in shape”, “bullshit” she replies, “take it off”.

She then asks me if I had any other sources of income. I inquired if sending emails purpoting to be Sani Abacha’s son asking if I can send money through your account as a source of income…she refused to reply, “idiot alert” the pop up said!

It is at this point that I scattered to the FAQ’s page to figure out what to deduct and avoid giving my dimes to the hyenas at KCC’s road maintenance division, and here they are:

If cockroaches ate your socks, you are allowed a claim of not more that 60% of the amount the socks were worth, within the financial year of income being declared.

You may not deduct condoms and birth control pills, for you are depriving us of future sources of income, you selfish abortionist bitch!!

You may deduct wages for the shamba boy, gate chap and that broke chick that mops the house and irons the clothes, God knows how they need that ka dime.

If your household property, particularly chairs and wardrobe furniture was destroyed by a pride of rodents probably from the neighbor’s house because yo broke self has no food (hence the feast on the wood), you are liable to pay this amount, coz you are an irresponsible punk that failed to buy rat poison, this is a punishment (and a present to the government)

In case your expenses are more than your income, make sure your name is Bebe Cool or Micheal Ezra, coz we sure aren’t taking your shit! URA giveth, URA taketh away!

And that’s how I became “tax compliant”.

Funny exam answers!! (from the net)

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Makerere University's Usual Shenanigans!!

Once again, news is coming in from the dead university…Makerere uni. Yep, they are on strike again. You will be forgiven if caught wondering “but I haven’t heard of any tear gas there”, but that’s because this time round, it’s the lecturers having a go at it, they were sick of the students having all the strikes to themselves!

This time, they are asking for some dimes which they were depositing to NIC and they haven’t received a coin yet the contract mbu ended in 2k5. Talks between the Uni chaps and the goats from the Ministry of Finance failed to resolve this shit. After more than 7 hours of nail-biting negotiations (yep, chaps were just biting their nails, bored like an askari at an ATM machine), there seemed to be no end in sight, just like how we students saw no end in sight in our horrendous search for that elusive transcript and gave up!

Freshers / new blood who had just finished their orientation week, begged the chaps of Nile Breweris to extend the orientation period of free base pinting and chow experimenting for as long as the lecturers kept up their resolve not to teach.

They jammed!

The following people are therefore urged to make use of the situation at campus for their own ends;

Perverts: Yes, sexual predators and child molesters, the Serengeti plains of Makerere University are teeming with lots of prey for your perverted gratification. Bored chicks looking for a quick meal of “sips and sicken” are roaming the Masaai Maraa areas of Wandegs knowing they have no lectures to attend in the morning and have no food in the kitchen since the cooks are on strike too! This is your paradise, fools!

Recently-promoted-corporatal-buggers: They are never complete without a “ka-side-dish”, forget those bullshit adverts that hit us last year, chaps jammed to listen! You see, boy graduates, boy gets job, boy gets out of mommy’s house to rent his own, boy therefore becomes man, man meets chick, man confuses chick, man disturbs us for wedding meetings, man marries, man returns to school and gets masters, man gets promoted, man gets car allowance……he is still not complete until…..well, u guessed it, MAN FINDS OTHER RIB!! This one has to be a ka campuser who is simply mesmerized by that company logo on that company pick up and that company blackberry! This is the time, the bu chicks are just there grazing on boredom!

FDC / IPC strategists: These political clown fish will not sleep until there is a riot, and what better way than to incite a bunch of bored lumpens who have no dimes to take out the chicks they are roaming about with? FDC chaps love to see violence, tear gas and burning cars, these are their guys!

Members of Parliament: These guys somehow have the worst results in terms of education performance. While the Makerere chaps are still on strike, they should go bribe them and get their transcripts altered while they still have a chance. (and probably add to their list of concubines while at it)

Who else…..le me chiiiiiiiii…..hmm, no one really!