Warning, Christmas Shoppers!!

We here at the The mall Police are writing this letter to warn you. You probably have never heard of us and didn't even know that we existed. Yes, we do exist! It is our job to watch shoppers and to be sure that no offenses are committed. You have grievously erred and are receiving this friendly citation as your last and final warning.

Mall shoppers are notorious for their offenses. We work very hard on a daily basis. Produce is one of our most difficult beats, and it is there that we first noticed you. You started at the apples and picked only the very biggest and best. Do you not realize that when you choose the best produce only the smaller and less quality items are left for our other customers?

At the egg plant section, you actually reached over the wilted bunches which we had carefully placed near the front and reached all the way to the back to take crisp fresh egg plants. It served you right when the automatic veggie sprinklers came on. You thought that was an accident, didn't you? And the bananas! You passed by the ripe ones and took the green ones! No one does that! Just because they will ripen by the next day does not mean that you should buy them.

We saw you turn over a basket of strawberries to see if there were green ones on the bottom. And you SQUEEZED a melon to see if it was ripe. You were saved only by the fact that you put the melon in your basket after the squeeze. Our swat team was ready to strike. You are very fortunate!

Moving along, we would like to cover a few other matters. We no longer have butcher counters where the butcher can select meat and pass it off -- er -- sell it without regard to quality. We saw you selecting the leaner cuts of packaged meat and checking for excess fat. This, again, is not permitted. Actually, these packages are all pretty much the same and poorer quality items are hidden under the good stuff anyhow. Now that we are wise to you, only the poor quality meat will be in the meat counter when you shop. You may have suspected that we are doing this already.

In regular grocery items, our agents saw that when cans of vegetables were three for 5 thou, you were buying only two. When cans of vegetables are three for a certain price, you have to buy them all whether you need them or not. That is the rule. Never, ever, let us see you buying just what you actually need.

What took place on the bread aisle is a true atrocity. You squeezed several loaves to see if they were fresh before taking one. It is only because our agents are so busy that you manage to get by with this week after week. After all, if we took action against everyone squeezing bread, we would get little else done. (By the way, those rules about squeezing toilet paper are a fallacy. You are allowed to squeeze it. However, if your thumb goes through the wrapper, consider it purchased -- it is yours!)

There are many other violations that we did not cover at all: the way you checked expiration dates on milk, the way you passed over the non-grocery items thinking, no doubt, that you could purchase them cheaper elsewhere. Do you not realize that these items are carried as a convenience for our customers? If you fail to buy them, they might be discontinued. Then what will you do when you need shampoo and don't have time to go elsewhere? See how this works?

In the checkout lines, remember the "no talking rule" and do not complain to your fellow shoppers about how long it takes to get out of the mall. Those little last minute candy items at the check out lines are there to occupy you. Take advantage of the opportunity to run up your bill a bit more while waiting.

Finally, remember we at the Mall Police are always on duty. You may look for our agents in overcoats and for cameras or mirrors in the mall, but you will never see us. Changing malls will not help -- we are everywhere. We are taking notes and you are being observed. Consider this a warning. Change your ways immediately or you may never eat again! And don't bother typing this and placing it in the Suggestion box, it's just a decoration. Now enjoy your shopping!

Pest Invasion!

U know yo way of life has been seriously disturbed when some fellows interfere with yo normal way of life. It's holiday time and all sorts of creatures are making noise in our previously quiet environs.

First, the little rascals are back, reminding every parent to stop drinking his usual 2 pints a day and save for the ka punk to return to school soon, and oh, the increased utility bills at home, plus more cereal and milk for the ka lumpen.

These little fools we have grown used to, so not much complaints. The problem today is with those characters that have just been deported for yet another crime from the so-called "developed" cow-ntries, particularly the US! I was disturbed when a couple of weekends ago, I met these 3 chaps that were up to 2002, rugby club chaps, born, bred and flunked their exams here in Ug. Somehow they went to the US to clean saucepans, wash nappies and carry heavy boxes and made themselves a few dollars, which they spent on ear rings and larger than necessary t shirts, mbu they were in Luisiana with Nelly!

Then as expected, they no longer had any kb for me, they were on their own shit;

"Dawg, last night i got up at 4 am to catch our football game, man I think we shall have a perfect season!"

In my attempt to mix with these lumpens, I was like;

"U mean heathens played at 4am?"

"No dawg, am talkin bout the Giants!! We squashed the Patriots 14-3 at their own home, that coach's gonna git laid to like 30 hoochies tonight dawg, he called the right play when we were just 30 yards from the hommer!! Wonder what will happen when they come to New York"

I don't really get this stuff, chaps that go to India come back just fine, neva to speak like the Gujaratti chaps, "I vanting to giw u discount on all ittems", a strong emphasis on the t's! So what's with the US and UK that get's guys all acting like run-away slaves? This guy got a phone call and went;

"Yo, where are u cats at? JK, aiit that sounds like a nice plan mate, 'll git there as soon as my homes drops by in his wheels, kinda nat feelin this boda ish"

So he had to go, and said "aiit fellaz, am outta this piece, keep it pimpin!"

That's when I figured maybe this Disney World trip isn't such a nice idea, if am goin to come back embarassing myself like this.

Being here long however has it's drawbacks too. Just here here on Thursday, a head of a goat was found in the office of the Lira Municipal County town clerk, or some other chap, and what the hell is municipal?? Back to the goat!

The head had on lip gloss, ear rings and beads around its severed neck. The Lira chaps swiftly called in the local parish priest to say prayers for their office, thus casting out any demons that this head was bringin into the office. Seriously?? That's all I have to do to mess up this Director of Finance that keeps refusing to sign my allowances? Like the goat had some radio active rays that will cross into the heads of the office bearers and make them so stupid, they needed a priest to clear the airwaves before they resume work!

Ait cats, I gots to buzz right now, keep it pimpin'

Strange but true!!

Since we Africans don't have any literature to look into our older times (I gots to compile me one of these soon), we are forced to deal with what's on hand, and since I don't have internet at my desk like Ashy and Ms Drama, its to type this shit and walk all the way to a cafe with my ka old flash disk that sometimes jams to load on the lousy cafe computers, so here goes, but with a Ug touch;

Nero's wife had 500 donkeys at her disposal to keep her bath continually topped up with fresh milk, as if African Woman cover girls.

The women of Nothern Siberia express affection to their bu hunks by showering them with lice and slugs, like oba who?

In Italy, a local law forbids women christened Mary to work as prostitues, so there's only Amanda's angels, not Mary's angels.

In New Zealand, a cow was sentenced to 2 days in jail for eating grass in front of the city courthouse, it was probably a rioter.

The world's largest bee, the carpenter, has tried to mate with everything that flies including birds, light aircraft and hang gliders. King Mswati has tried to mate with everything that has just turned 17, 11 months and 29 days.

The Romans cured toothache by tying toads to their jaws, we cure toothache by chewing on an aspirin on the spot of pain.

The black widow spider eats it's mate after mating, as if Lydia Draru!

Snails can sleep for three years at a go, like the chaps making the northern bypass.

Octopuses can eat themselves if they get very upset, like if you refuse to grant them a district!

Polar bears can smell you up to 20 miles away. You can smell a bar waitress or a pump attendant up to 20 miles away.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open, but so do the PGB chaps.

Oysters change their sex according to the temprature of the water around them, and so do ALL our politicians.

Out!

Researchers have discovered..............

Scientists are either busy chaps or are just a bunch of lumpens out there trying to make a dime like the rest of us. Its not often that they used to come up with a new discovery, but these days its everyday.

Listening to the news, there’s always some more crap these “researchers” come up with, and luckily they tell us how.

Last week, these bastards came up with a discovery that people who laugh 15 times a day are more likely to live till 85! Who pays these clowns to do this work? Who exactly will this “finding” help? Some guy used to laugh 18 times a day, but at 42, he got tear gassed in the riots, and didn’t make it to 52, lung complications, this would probably have reduced the “researcher’s” age findings from 85 to like 63!

Here’s some more stuff they “discovered”;

Doctors who listened to the beatle’s song “Staying alive” while performing an operation were more likely to have successful surgeries than those that listened to Celine Dion songs, ANY of them!

Couples who listened to Lionel Richie songs while making out were more likely to have healthier kids than those that were listening to Luther Vandross’!

People who voted for FDC were more likely to be involved in city riots than those who didn’t vote at all, ok that one is forged, because Uganda has no social researchers, only for malaria and AIDS!

Attractive children are more popular, both with classmates and teachers. Teachers give higher evaluations to the work of attractive children and have higher expectations of them (which has been shown to improve performance). So if u ever get ugly kids, don’t waste yo dimes at Kampala Parents!

Drinking 3 beers a day is better than drinking 12 beers on a Friday!! This research was most probably funded jointly by Fat Boyz and Just Kicking.

Loving your family helps reduce stress levels, even that cousin that keeps selling yo electronics so as to buy weed!

Biology Class - Reproduction!!

This part of the school Biology curriculum used to wake most chaps out of their usual school boredom. But just to spice it up, they need to be innovative and add these two, the amphibian theory and the dog theory.

This is what may be referred to as the amphibian theorem. Nat Geo wild and the Discovery channels have been kind enuff to send some of their inquisitive white employees (don’t say it’s racist, ever seen a black chap on these missions?? Yeah me neither!!) These chaps wear masks and be down in dirty rivers capturing the lives of frogs, fish and these other species called amphibians!

See, these creatures get classified as amphibian because of their nature of reproduction, in other words, they chow in a funny way! What happens is, the amphibian chick goes on a date or two with her prospective chow, eat up a few worms in a fancy but dirty river restaurant, then go for karaoke night with the rest of the frogs, making so much noise for the humans, croaking all night!

Next, the chick finds a spot where she lays a bunch of eggs, probably a thousand or so, then her date, who has been keeping watch all this time, comes over these eggs (pun intended). Well, let’s be more specific, he moves over these eggs, spraying them all over with his members! The fusion of these two elements creates new creatures. Abortion hasn’t yet started amongst these creatures, coz their foet-ai (pronounced fee-t-aaii) they develop outside of the chick fish.

Today’s theorem wonders what would happen if humans were amphibian! The only contact between boy and girl would be just holding hands. AIDS would be a disease for chimps only, and guy’s would never see the point of going hunting in Silk. When a human couple got ready to have kids, the chap would look for a suitable place for his chick to go lay her eggs, before he wanks over them, and then they wait for the kids that make it through the process.

Dogs are the most amazing though, Biology teachers should protest till they include the reproductive system of dogs in their syllabus, that way kids would be interested in Bios, as we called it. Movies have spoilt the whole anticipation kids used to have when going for Bios lessons. What the hell else do you have to learn when Sharon Stone gave you the basics? You be going to a video library and you fail to get a movie to watch, the chap just beez like “manager, we have this other collection here, maybe take a look!!” You just be in total shock as you see titles you have never seen before, “Remember the tight ones”, “This is surely it” and “The secrets of porn agains”.

Moving on to dogs, as Richard Pryor once put it, he used to get amazed whenever he found 2 dogs just locked up, trying hard to disentangle themselves while crossing the street, one says to the other “make up yo mind you silly bitch, which way do we go, left or right?” “I don’t know, u horny lass, u got us in this mess in the first place”

The theory here was, what if women could also just lock up like these dogs? Now that would get the rapists in a spot of bother. A chap just be there raping a chick and she locks up;

“Ok that’s it, get up, we’re going to the police station, and don’t try anything stupid, al simply tighten up, now move with me, lets go!!!”

Religious Turf Wars!!

A cold war is brewing in the church establishment, its the kind that has all the ingredients similar to the fights between the government and the opposition establishment.

Noteworthy is the fact that these two institutions are way older than the chaps that are claiming to fight for them. The Anglicans, who used to be known as protestants, are deeply divided into 2, because a gay chap was elected to lead them. So the anti-gay faithfuls are hanging on to their religion but no longer pay allegiance to their leader, and so the Pope (NRM) has been calling on these disgruntled fellows from the Anglican church (FDC) to defect and join them, where they will be accommodated (Fat Jobs).

Let’s try and decipher the history of the beef atwixt these 2 old institutions!

The Catholic church were the original faith spin doctors! A couple of these guys sat down and came up with an encyclopedia of ballistic war stories (The Israelites and the Philistines), love triangles (David and that ballistic chick Bathsheba whose chap was sent to the frontlines so he could have her), jealousy and witchcraft (The queen Jezebel) power and strength (Samson) and how a chow can bring down a man (See Samson and Delilah)

One of these chaps that was writing these stories said he wanted to copyright these works so that these pumpkins who make Spanish Soaps don’t copy their shit, he said the spanish stuff would be like;

“Errduarrdo, (with a strong R), what is the source of your strength??”

“Marrrriiaaa, if you just give me one kiss, I shall tell you!!”

“But Errrduarrdo Do Santos, please tell me! And here’s yo kiss”

“Well baby, its in my hair!!!”

The next time u be hearing those evil sounds in the background of the soap as Maria is chopping off Erduardo’s hair!

The group of authors then decided to call this book the bible!! And anyone who follows these teachings, was known as a roman catholic!

However, these teachings were very discriminative to the chicks! Feminist activists, who may have included the great great ancestors of Miria Matembe and Winnie Byanyima, went up in arms, saying that if Makerere Uni can give chicks 1.5 extra points to get to campus, who the hell are these guys whose biggest job they can give a chick is to be a nun!! They protested this shit, broke away and came to be known as Protestants! Luckily for them all the tear gas at that time was being used in World War 1.

So these Protestants based themselves in England, while the original church remained headquartered at the Vatican in Rome, Italia.

After some good years, football hooligans and FDC protestants (or protestors) began to protest every little thing here and there, giving the Protestants a bad name, so they switched their name to Anglican, a move that was recently done by AIG, who are now called Chartis, because AIG was so broke, they couldn’t associate themselves with the name anymore.

Anglican, however means English! I don’t know if they are sending out a message that this is strictly English stuffs! However, Anglicans do the exact opposite things catholics do. While catholics have mass, Anglicans have service! While Catholics serve some small white thingy as holy communion, Anglicans serve biscuits! While catholic priests are only allowed to chow themselves, mbu celibacy, a term now commonly referred to as Palm-ella Handerson, Anglican priests get married!

It’s because of this little factor that one of their Bishops decided to marry, but for him, he had been eying this boy for like 25 years, a common result of all chaps that be in seminaries for over 9 years, mbu studying theology!

So this guy married a fellow dude, and somehow got elected to head the entire Anglican church! There was even no vote rigging, voter intimidation and ghost voters, he won squarely! Most people who follow this religion were pissed off like a problem at these new developments. Even broke Africans who be waiting for foreign aid from these chaps were like “keep your dimes, we cant take dimes from you filthy bums” (pun intended)

Now the chaps at the catholic church were watching these developments very keenly. Anti last year the Vatican declared a 3rd quarter loss, mbu because the dollar had lost value. They even, for the first time in the 85 years of the existence of the Vatican radio, accepted commercial adverts to run on their station, so as to make a dime. You be there on a sermon;

“Kyrie Eleison, Lord God hear our prayer, we offer to you these thanks, for all these brethren who are here to day…….erm, will be right back after this short commercial break, with the rest of the prayer!!”

“Did u know that Nomi cleans all stains in cuffs, collars and difficult to reach areas??? Use Nomi, for fast growing children!!”

“Welcome back from that commercial break……Lord, as we was saying, we give to you our daily thanks…….”

The most controversial means yet for the catholics to make more dime however came in the form of the Pope telling all disgruntled Anglicans to join the Catholic church, this was like 3 weeks ago, he didn’t mince his words;

“Don’t be left out in the cold, bring your tithe here to Rome, leave those gay punks!!”

Archbishop Robinson responded, I think yesterday, saying the catholic’s refusal to ordain women as priests was one of the reasons the Anglicans were formed, and since they are still as archaic as that time, why should anyone re-join them!!

As a seventh day absentist, I am following these developments with much glee, just to confirm that my religion is still the hardest!!

Friend-a-street-kid

Whenever I hear this series of ads about gorillas, yeah, those that are running on our radio stations every after 3 songs, I get pissed like Nsaba Buturo after watching Big Brother!! This forces the Minister of Ethics to call a press conference and urge the banning of that reality TV show, and also for the banning of all miniskirts, mbu they are the leading cause of accidents, since we the ever-horny male species shall always stare at them with so much attention that we really don’t give a shit if that Mercedes ML we have just borrowed crashes into that street light!

The bugger in all this ranting, easily forgets to put in the slightest mention of the thieving KCC officials and Ministry of Works lumpens that always forget to fix that pot hole that we be dodging as we hit yet another un-suspecting boda boda chap. If I was the minister of ethics, I would also call for the ban of these gorilla ads that are being sponsored by the US government! They go thus;

“This is the goriila moment, brought to you by friend-a-gorilla campaign – did u know that the mother gorilla makes the bed for the family before they go to sleep, and the family shares a meal of tree leaves and branches………………save gorillas!!!”

Like we give a shit!!!

I want to hear that campaign of “Friend-a-street-kid”, we shall be hearing shit like; “Did u know that a street kid eats one meal a day, and earns his money by begging for coins outside steers and the Jinja Road traffic lights……..save a street kid today!!”

Whats with these gorillas anyway? Its not like every once a month they come out of hiding from the Bwindi impenetrable forest and clean the roads and rid all the dumping sites of garbage!! It’s not like every month they send 5 percent of their monthly income, equivalent in bananas, to NSSF!!! Or 10% of the timber income they earn as PAYE!! Its not like they own the forests and do deals with government and pay corporation tax!!! So whats all this fuss about??

I know, white people love to look at them!!

They be there in their highways and skyscrapers and really miss the real natural world, the one we Africans are having a total blast in, before investors take all the forests for factories! They be wanting to see gorillas and natural forests, so now they are sending money so we save the gorillas for them , while our bu street kids languish in the cold!

If u haven’t noticed yet, I am actually still looking for the point of this rant, the moral of the story, the killer punch that puts the plot to rest, but wapi!!! Never to know why am beefing with the silverbacks, and for that matter, am outta here!!

The Art of Vibing!!

That title was copied from a best selling book called “The Art of War” by Tsan Tsung, or some shit like that. This book is a must read for all military generals, as it shows them various tactics of beating the enemy. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to tell them of how to get out of situations where they are faced with an angry lover, wielding an iron bar, which is normally used as a “carpet cleaner”!

Anywho, chaps have taken vibing to new levels, but something is wrong with the lines chaps are using, coz they just be lying lies!! Just imagine if guys would actually do the shit they say;

1- I will climb Mt Rwenzori for you;

The repercussions of this promise are not exactly simple. First of all, u must be ready to meet real snow! Forget this shit of cotton wool pieces we be sticking on our Christmas trees to represent snow! Africans who have dared go up that mountain came down with severe cases of mumps and pneumonia! Do you even remember what the hell mumps are?? That’s coz they are only caught by trying to climb mountains!

2- I will cross the ocean for you;

Some chick called Monica tried saying this shit in her hit song “For you I will”, she promised that chap so many things, including going to the moon, oba for what!! Now you go to the moon and then what? Maybe you return with some love potions or something. And we be seeing migrants from Africa in bu shanty boats trying to get to Spain or whatever, crossing oceans and stuff, half of them die on these trips, we just hope they were not doing it because they promised their chicks so!

Since this shit will never work, chaps have now resorted to looking for chicks, and vice versa, in newspaper classified ads. Its now common to find shit like;

25 year old male looking for white woman! Must be financially stable and ready to take me out of Africa!

Wonder whether these punks ever get replies. At least they ask for real stuff!

The ol school way was the hardest shit, chaps used to write letters that just blew chicks away, and no promises, real vibes, something like;

“My sweet potatoe Maggy,

Whenever I think of you, my heart beats perpendicular to the way this pen is dancing on this love note! You are the Executive Prime Minister of my heart, as if Raila Odinga or Morgan Tsvangirai. I love you more than cabbages! When I see you, my sight is better than those who eat carrots! The atmosphere here is missing your weather friendly smile, cant wait to see you again, so my soul can blossom like that rose I have sent with this letter!!”

Read
Rewind
Relax
Reply;

Mic Mac it to;

Sweet Pie Magie

Zoom it to;
S 2 B

Expedite it to;
Nabisunsa Girls School.

Now what chick wouldn’t fall for that!!

A bachelor cookbook!!

So you have finally gotten yourself that job you have been chasing since graduation, through the normal route or through a note from your Uncle tha government official, the one he sent your CEO telling him “I know this boy personally, fix him somewhere!”. Doesn’t really matter, what counts is that aleast you are paid every 30 days for waking up early and showing up at the office.

As a young chap, you must be sharing a house with that guy you went to school with, splitting rent 50-50. Now that you have just made the original big leap, the one of leaving mummy’s house, she offered you 2 saucepans, 2 plates and 2 forks to start up yo kitchen, but you are stranded as hell on what to cook, here’s how a quick guide to how you can survive on that, ;

Breakfast menu;

Boiled eggs and splash mango

An easy to fix breakfast on a Saturday morning when that Rolex pumpkin is taking ages to light up his charcoal stove. Ingredients consist of;

1- A saucepan; Definition – That silvery thingy, looks like one big round spoon, that mummy gave you to use in the kitchen. Pass some water around it to clean off the accumulated dust before use!

2- Water; Definition – Liquid that automatically pours when that thingy on the sink is turned from right to left! Use it to clean saucepan, described above.

3 – A raw egg; Definition – An oval-ish thingy, looks a rugby ball.
Now the process that happens to procure one of these is simple! Remember those chicken you be buying in Wandegs for supper, video chicken? Yes exactly! Whilst they are still alive, the male one flirts around with the female, first taking it out to dinner, feeding it on the best ants in that nursery garden mummy is nurturing as a hobby, then one thing leads to anoher, then daddy chicken starts chasing mummy chicken like a police and robber, doesn’t matter where, but anywhere in the compound, right in front of the little kids! What happens after that is that the mummy chicken finds a corner somewhere in her living quarters and after a period of walking with a big stomach, which can be like a human pregnancy, goes into labour.

Daddy chicken is one mean bastard, he doesn’t even throw a baby shower or buy anything for mummy chicken, he just keeps running around the compound finding new mummies! Mummy chicken then does the entire “pushing” process all by herself, chicken surgeons are still testing the caesarean section that all she-chicken are now craving, mbu “it’s the fad these days”. After this process, eggs are seen under mummy chicken. It is at this point that the rude farmer, with no consideration for the new mummy, comes and chases her out of her hospital bed and takes away her new born eggs, not even giving her a chance to give them names!

This process has been made so easy for you, Mr Bachelor, by that supermarket across the road from your shared house, by bringing these eggs right to their shelf. A few bucks and you have a whole tray.

The Process
With egg, saucepan and water in place, fire up the gas cylinder, pour water into saucepan, place it on fire and insert 2 to 3 eggs in that water and leave them there for like 20 minutes! When eggs are removed, knock off the shell and apply salt to the white thingy you see now! Buy a packet of splash from that same supermarket and Voila, breakfast is ready!!! A splash and a boiled egg!!

Lunch menu!

Half chips, half rice and beef

A very popular dish for bachelors on the go! It is already 2 pm and you are almost finishing that movie you borrowed, but you have to first have lunch before heading out to meet the fellaz! Here’s how you make this;

Ingredients;

1- A boda boda chap ; Definition – A lice-infested lumpen that usually sits around on his motorcycle all day waiting for you to send him, can always be found in the vicinity of your shared house!

2- Money; Definition – Pieces of paper and metal coins that are accepted everywhere as exchange items for products you may want.

3 – Mobile phone; Definition – Thingy, which when certain buttons are pressed, allows you to talk to the pumpkn described in 1 above.

The procedure;

The process of making this food is quite simple. First, take a tea spoon that has been lying on your table, and place it in the sink for the house help to wash when she comes in later in the day. Then grab that mobile phone that lay next to the spoon, and press some number you stored in it as “boda fella”. Call the lumpen and give him directions to the nearest Chillie’s or Bon apetit takeaway! Ask him to bring half chips, half rice and beef.

If he asks you if he should bring “1 share”, slap his lousy head and tell him you want “1 pack”, because you have no idea what the hell a share is! Except when it comes to paying the rent, then you share! Tell him not to ride fast, lest the food gets cooled in the wind, and not to touch inside the polythene bag they’ll give him, lest the jiggers that infest his un-manicured paws find their way to the food and gang up with bacteria and spoil your pinting session with the fellas!

Supper

Ingredient;

MONEY!!

This is all you need as of now! Buy a video chicken, grasshoppers and a favourite liquid of your choice, then find your way home! And that is the cook book for a bachelor!!

A brief history of acid!!

So Johnny had spotted her at the company retreat, yeah, you know all this corporate fad of “departmental retreat”, mbu to bond and get away from the daily stress, usually happening at the Jinja Nile resort or Mountains of the Moon hotel in Fort Portal!

It would have been a blast only if that crappy boss, yeah, that one that causes you so much stress that the entire department actually needs a retreat for, also drags his ass along, as if he has no one else to yell at.

Anywho, Martha was the new chick in Accounts, complete with a ki ballistic axa, but she had done her masters in Ghana, a predominantly Nigerian-axa speaking country, so why she had an American axa, still beats Johnny’s oblongata! She was as if royal from her home, so her kingdom had sent her on an exchange kinda arrangement with the royals of the Ashanti tribe. When the royals had met, courtesy of Gadhaffi’s dimes, somewhere in Tripoli, the Ashanti king had told these Ugandan royal chaps; (read as is, for real effect)

“Whenova u need somm-bodi to komm and stody here in Ghona, sond dem to me dorectly!!”

So she had jost re-torned from Ghona when a quick sms was dispatched from her royal house to the corporatal CEO;

“Good tidings from the royal house, and greetings to all our loyal subjects. We have a request, can u fix Princess somewhere in your organisation, preferably in Finance or Accounting, she just finished her masters, courtesy of our kind brethren in Ghana. Thanks”

The CEO had immediately called that arrogant Thief Accountant and told him to arrange a desk “straight away!” “Give her something to keep her busy till we find something” he had assured the thief!

Long story short, Martha was here anyway, and now had gone for the retreat! Johnny, who by the way, is the main actor in this plot, had seen royalty! He was smitten like a senior Government official who had just been handed a project, complete with the funds he was going to swindle! He was weak in the knees, like a Senior Government minister in front of the parliament Accountability committee! He wanted to disappear into the floor, like a devoted saved punk that had forgotten to deposit his tithe with that thieving Pastor!!

That’s how bad it was!

Regardless of all this, shy Johnny dragged his ass, albeit slowly, toward this royal chick, Her Ballisticness Martha! He summoned all his strength, and courage to say something sensible, coz he had read somewhere, in one of those silly books, that “first impressions last!”

“Hello, Johnny is the name, u new here?”

“Errrrm, duhh, yeah am new!” As she pulled of one of these faces of these bu chicks we be seeing on MTV’s Super Sweet Sixteen, though Martha was 26!!

“You know I couldn’t help but notice you have made no friends yet!” Johnny gave it his best shot! Was it working, lets see!

“The guys here are kinda uptight! No wonder u need to get so far away just to get to know each other’s names” She retorted.

Johnny was as if excited, SHE HAD TALKED BACK GODAMIT!! 1 – 0!

1 for him, 0 to nature!

“Well there are drinks down there by the pool, wanna go grab some?” the bugger Johnny tried again.

“Erm, excuse me, are you trying to ask me to hang with you?”

“Am sori, if am bothering you ……..”

“Well, if you thought I was one of those cheap, low life Ugandan girls you just walk up to and drag to a bar…..u were right!!! Lets go grab a beer!”

Chicks are now cursing this story like a problem coz they are routing for their fellow species, but personally, am not on that shit!!

Anywho, Johnny took her downstairs, but after a few pints, he had to excuse himself to the “bathrooms”, and no he wasn’t going to shower, he was going for number 1! At this instance, Mike, that bastard from IT quickly stepped in to chat up Martha. Like a hyena, he was waiting for the fast cheetah to make a kill, then he would simply show up to devour the carcass!

Now he knew she was all warmed up for a chat so he quickly started;

“U love books, got some nice Stephen King back at office…”

“Whoooa, how did u know I loved King’s works??”

“Well, I kinda can tell someone who’s into the real life…..”

This bastard Mike had studies her resume while he was making for her that ID thingy for swiping through doors, and with those words, he had put his claws onto Johnny’s catch…….

Ladies and gents, that’s how acid pours in our offices today!!

P.L.E!!

Education is a part of the rat race! Most people think that the endless quest for money is all it is, money! But there are other things we live for, like the constant pursuit to broaden our knowledge, the curiosity to know more, which explains why Ashy is a perpetual student!

This factor also explains why an 87 year old man enrolled in a primary school somewhere in Kibaki land before he finally succumbed to that process no one is immune to – death! However, he had such a blast while at it, that not only is he still featuring in the guiness book of world records, but he got himself a ki free world tour courtesy of some NGO’s here and there, as long as he wore a primary school uniform while on his travels!

Some so-called LC1 chairperson here at the pearl is attempting to pull off this same stunt, only that he is 37 years old! What’s with the age ending in 7? Personally, I will enrol back to P1, or Standard 1, depending on which country is not having post election violence at that time, when I hit 88!! That way I can get a free world tour, that I have so far failed to save for, no…… that I have failed to afford, plus I shall beat the 87 year old to the guiness book!

The problem however is, how shall I pass those exams? I recently glanced at those exam papers and I figured I would fail them like an African government official on a corruption quiz! Here’s how I think that LC1 punk answered his questions;

Q - What is photosynthesis?
A – A process by which those chaps at megapix take a pic of your raggedy lookin self and remove all pimples and wrinkles and make you look ballistic, as if Halle Berry!

Q – What is BODMAS?
A – A porn movie, something like “Body of Lies” and “Body of Temptation”, but this one has only MASSIVE people!

Q – Why do photons have mass and proteins don’t?
A – Because photons are catholic and proteins are protestant! They have service!

Q – Name 3 components of blood?
A – Some red paint, probably from sadolin, water and salt!

Q – What are red blood cells?
A – It’s a collection of terrorists based in a certain location, like the Berlin al-qaeda cell, they usually like blood. It can also be a nice looking mobile phone that has a red blood colour, a “red blood cell”!

Q – How does a charcoal stove work?
A – I don’t know, I have the LG microwave to warm my food!

Q – Who is the president of Uganda?
A – Are u serious? The answer has been the same since UNEB was formed? Do u really need to know?

Q – Which is Uganda’s newest district?
A – The one with a chap that ate a rat!

Q – Who is the mufti of Uganda?
A – They are 2, which one?

Q – Who is the King of the basoga?
A – They are 2, which one?

Q – How many cents make a shilling?
A – 50 cent!

Q – How many public holidays are in Uganda?
A – Depends on how many times the moon is full, and oh, even when a former president or a king dies!

Q – What is the use of the ears?
A – To tap phone calls for the interior ministry!

Q – What is the use of the skin?
A – To show it off and call yourselves “maisha dancers!”

Q – What is the use of the eyes?
A – To watch out for ghost voters, ghost pupils, ghost soldiers and look for ghost busters!

At this rate, I think that’s a 9 in all papers! This gives me an extra year to improve my record at the guiness book of world records, and probably a trip to space!!

Re-writing History!!

While flipping through Adolf Hitler’s book Mein Kamph, it dawned on me that these chaps all have details on their history that we Africans savour on in the name of passing time. We literally know about Napoleon and his end at waterloo, we have heard of George Washington a countless number of times, Barrack Obama, Beckham and all these other chaps that literally have NOTHING to do with us!

So it got me thinking, why don’t we come up with a way to make our history so cool that we shall be interested in it?

In Hitler’s book, there’s this passage in the intro;

7) Herodotus (Book VII, 213218) tells the story of how a Greek traitor, Ephialtes, helped the Persian invaders at the Battle of Thermopylae (480 B.C.) When the Persian King, Xerxes, had begun to despair of being able to break through the Greek defence, Ephialtes came to him and, on being promised a definite payment, told the King of a pathway over the shoulder of the mountain to the Greek end of the Pass. The bargain being clinched, Ephialtes led a detachment of the Persian troops

under General Hydarnes over the mountain pathway. Thus taken in the rear, the Greek defenders, under Leonidas, King of Sparta, had to fight in two opposite directions within the narrow pass. Terrible slaughter ensued and Leonidas fell in the thick of the fighting.

The bravery of Leonidas and the treason of Ephialtes impressed Hitler, as it does almost every schoolboy. The incident is referred to again in Mein Kampf (Chap. VIII, Vol. I), where Hitler compares the German troops that fell in France and Flanders to the Greeks at Thermopylae, the treachery of Ephialtes being suggested as the prototype of the defeatist policy of the German politicians towards the end of the Great War.

This was the exact same storyline for a movie called 300!! Kumbe all this time this was a history lesson! Now, we have to do this thing in the Ugandan context, maybe these dotcomers will finally learn their own history, instead of clamouring for green cards! So here goes;

Tales abound of how the god king Kabalega, in despair after the white men had come into his kingdom, called together the highest council of noblemen, advisors and defence forces! He had addressed them thus;

“Noblemen, we have been sold out for a few pieces of silver and household mirrors by a few chiefs in the counties!! This treachery shall only be met by death to the traitor”!

THE IMPERIAL BRITISH EAST AFRICAN COMPANY:

Around this time, the imperialist slave traders from the British Government had sent FJ Jackson as an agent and spy of the Imperial British East Africa Company. His role was to oversee the British sphere of influence, which included Buganda. He quickly enlisted some broke hunters, who also served as chiefs, bribing them with some shiny glasses which when they looked at, they would see themselves, they named these things mirrors!! While on his way, busy recruiting and bribing black chiefs, Jackson heard the news that Karl Peters, a German of Nazi origins who was preferred by the Catholics, had come to Buganda. He rushed to Buganda and negotiated with Mwanga who, however, refused to sign a treaty with him because of the Catholic influence. The Catholics' fear was that any treaty with Jackson's company would favour the Protestants.

“Dawg, u gotta sign this shit or there are gonna be some deadly consequences up in this piece” Jackson had assured Mwanga!!

“No way Mr Jackson, but the chaps at the vatican already signed the agreement with me, just before I burnt up their gay followers, sijui matrys!” Mwanga had retorted!

This was put to rest by the Heligoland Treat of July 1 1890. Under the treaty signed in Europe, the territory known today, as Uganda was to become a British sphere of influence and in return the island of Heligoland in the North Sea was ceded to Germany by Britain. This was clearly some bullshit!! These buggers were sharing pieces of land in east Africa like a dominoes pizza, in exchange for land back at their home, where Mwanga couldn’t go, coz he had no green card……and visa….and even no passport photos!! This set of events really pissed him the f off!!”

At the same time, Emin Pasha was in Sudan planning to annex the kingdoms of Buganda and Bunyoro for Turkey. At this time, the LRA rebels and SPLA had no idea what was going down! Also Charles Stokes, a missionary defector had become a stubborn dealer in arms and was believed to be on the way to sell arms to Kabalega, the major enemy of the whites. He unfortunately brought junk choppers, and the Sebutinde commission was to discover this years later!! He was to pass on his secrets to a business man friend of his, Emma Kato!

Against this background, Captain Frederick Lugard was dispatched to forestall the Egyptian threat and to prevent Stokes from selling arms to Mwanga and Kabalega. These events were clearly missed out in the Nicholas Cage movie, Lord of War!

The Catholics and Mwanga, whom they regarded as their sympathizer, saw the coming of Captain Lugard, a representative of the Imperial British East Africa Company, in December 1890 as a triumph for the Protestants. They immediately dispatched some gay chaps to disorganise the protestants, right from their leader the Archbishop Robinson, so they could neutralise the threat of Lugard!

With the use of threats, Lugard managed to secure from Mwanga and the Catholics an agreement the god king Mwanga had initially refused to sign. He later helped to beat off one invasion of Muslims from Bunyoro, proceeded to Nkore and signed a treaty with Ntare V to stop arms reaching Kabalega. This made Kabalega angry, pissed him off to the core! He was heard ranting; “these mavuki have jammed me to get arms!!! Wewe, presidential advisor, get me on e-bay……NOW!!! Get me Nicholas Cage!!”

They almost stopped him from visiting Kayunga, where he had wanted to rally his subjects!

Lugard reinstated Omukama Kasagama in Toro who had been defeated by Kabalega at the battle of the Kruger! Kabalega had commanded his troops well, assuring them;

“MEN, it’s here at the kruger that our blood will flow! It’s stains shall be a reminder of what heroes we have been, and our names shall live forever in history books, kapish???.....KAPISH!!”

MWANGA AND KABALEGA'S RESISTANCE
This countrywide resistance to the imperialist colonial bastards had come too late. Omukama Kabalega had been fighting a lone guerilla war for nearly eight years. Despite starting with only 27 men, and 6 guns, he still lost! No one was on his shit!! They loved the mirrors GODAMIT! With the depletion of their forces, Mwanga and Kabalega were captured on April 4 1899 in Dokolo, present-day Lira, in a house of a Langi chief. They were on a pint!
They were both exiled to Seychelles Islands where Mwanga died. Kabalega lived there for a long time and was permitted to return but was kept in Jinja where he died in 1926. His body was taken to Mparo in Hoima for burial.

THE 1900 BUGANDA AGREEMENT
With Mwanga and Kabalega off the political scene and Mwanga having been succeeded by his infant son in 1900, as if Oyo, but not quite, the Buganda agreement was signed between Sir Harry Johnston and the Buganda regents with negotiations being undertaken by the missionaries.

The Lukiiko was created with its functions defined and, above all, it was subjected to the overall control of the colonial government.
Buganda lost its independence through the agreement. In fact, the 1900 Agreement was a capitulation document, because an established kingdom was ceding its power to a foreign authority.

This explains the non-ending riots for their rights that were signed away in 1900! However, a new breed of chaps have since taken over from where the colonialists left, and that history is for some other day! The movie shall be in stores as soon as we get the Global Fund Dimes!!

We complicate life!!!

It usually goes by many names, bureaucracy, red tape, kitu kidogo e.t.c. One may be easily convinced that this kind of thing only happens in government offices and the UN but u’ll be shocked! Let’s review Uganda’s worst places to ever go to for normal bizness:

1 – Bank;

Ok so u finally got that job as Junior something something at that telecom company, u are in charge of handling accounts, so they call you some pompous stuff like “accounts relation manager”, u be posing in the bar with your “big name”, talking bout “big is me”, and u have the bizness card to prove it. Heck, u even dish out yo bizness card to that chap that slashes yo compound, saying “call me if u need a new slasher, errrm, let me give you my card, even though it would be much easier to just save my number in yo phone, but just have zis one!”

Anywho, becoz u have this cool job, u are required, by company policy, the rules imposed by the slave owners, to have a bank account, because they will not be paying cash like that job you had before as a supermarket attendant, but yo money shall be wired direct to your account.

So u pick a quick boda b and dash to the nearest Barclays bank, because they sponsor the premier league. As soon as u get to that chick at “account opening”, she beez like “hold on a second, al be with u in a giff”, since she will somehow be on phone!

When she does get to you, the questions begin;

“Erm, we have a lot of products, do u want a flat rate account, savings, salary, business, ………”

“I need my employer to send me money”

“Ok, that’ll be a salary account. Luckily for you, this one has no charges at all. Now, we need a letter from your employer introducing you to the bank. We shall also need a referee, and he must have an account with us. Also, we need a copy of any bill you have, water, electricity or DSTV. We shall also need a letter from your LC. On top of this, we need 2 passport photos…….”

“But excuse me, I don’t know anyone with an account here, and I still live at my mom’s”

“Sorry, but you need to have those!”

Eventually when you do get the account open, the guys who said there are no charges, jump on your bu little dimes like hyenas on a carcass! Ledger fees, monthly levy, salary processing fee e.t.c eat into that balance of yours! HATE BANKS!!

2 - MTN and the police!

So you lost your phone? Bambi sorry! So what are you doing about it?

Well, the first step you should do is to go to MTN to get a replacement SIM, but they will tell you to first go and bring a police statement explaining how you lost that very precious SIM card of 3 thousand bucks! At the police station, you find Corporal Akello on duty;

“The chim card ij losht! Ello, first give me de money for de foolscap, we don’t have de papers ello!!”

A quick 1 thousand bucks usually does the trick! 2 hours later, and you are rushing back to MTN with a statement! If you are lucky, you wont be asked for a receipt of that SIM!

3 – MAKERERE transcript office;

If you want to kill someone, just go to the transcript office at this so-called university! They will give you a million reasons to murder them, and they will do it so casually!

“Don’t u see am having breakfast, come back later”

“Where is your file? You left it here? No, come back later I have to find it first!”

Meanwhile all this time the bitch is swinging around on some rusty chair that was recently passed on down from the vice-chancellor’s office!

4- JUBA Airport.

The WORST PLACE TO EVER BE!!! This place is so weird! Anywho, when u get there, they stamp some Arabic shit in the passport, and it says “register within 3 days”.
Of course you wont see it. Time to leave is now the worst! So u get back to the airport, and they be like “u did not register within 3 days, so u have to pay 60 dollars, fine”. It doesn’t come with a receipt.
“Go to the photocopy there, pick up 3 forms, fill in 2 of them. Make a photocopy of your passport on this page here, and this page here, then attach the forms to this form here! Pay 10 dollars to the photocopy guy and he gives you a receipt that allows you to leave!”

What a hussle!

Then you go sit on the benches in the “waiting lounge” till some chick comes walking around, “are you on Sudan Airways?” “No, am on Air Uganda” “Oh, sori”! U just be there praying that the Air Uganda chick tells u otherwise, Yo On Your Own!!!