A bachelor cookbook!!

So you have finally gotten yourself that job you have been chasing since graduation, through the normal route or through a note from your Uncle tha government official, the one he sent your CEO telling him “I know this boy personally, fix him somewhere!”. Doesn’t really matter, what counts is that aleast you are paid every 30 days for waking up early and showing up at the office.

As a young chap, you must be sharing a house with that guy you went to school with, splitting rent 50-50. Now that you have just made the original big leap, the one of leaving mummy’s house, she offered you 2 saucepans, 2 plates and 2 forks to start up yo kitchen, but you are stranded as hell on what to cook, here’s how a quick guide to how you can survive on that, ;

Breakfast menu;

Boiled eggs and splash mango

An easy to fix breakfast on a Saturday morning when that Rolex pumpkin is taking ages to light up his charcoal stove. Ingredients consist of;

1- A saucepan; Definition – That silvery thingy, looks like one big round spoon, that mummy gave you to use in the kitchen. Pass some water around it to clean off the accumulated dust before use!

2- Water; Definition – Liquid that automatically pours when that thingy on the sink is turned from right to left! Use it to clean saucepan, described above.

3 – A raw egg; Definition – An oval-ish thingy, looks a rugby ball.
Now the process that happens to procure one of these is simple! Remember those chicken you be buying in Wandegs for supper, video chicken? Yes exactly! Whilst they are still alive, the male one flirts around with the female, first taking it out to dinner, feeding it on the best ants in that nursery garden mummy is nurturing as a hobby, then one thing leads to anoher, then daddy chicken starts chasing mummy chicken like a police and robber, doesn’t matter where, but anywhere in the compound, right in front of the little kids! What happens after that is that the mummy chicken finds a corner somewhere in her living quarters and after a period of walking with a big stomach, which can be like a human pregnancy, goes into labour.

Daddy chicken is one mean bastard, he doesn’t even throw a baby shower or buy anything for mummy chicken, he just keeps running around the compound finding new mummies! Mummy chicken then does the entire “pushing” process all by herself, chicken surgeons are still testing the caesarean section that all she-chicken are now craving, mbu “it’s the fad these days”. After this process, eggs are seen under mummy chicken. It is at this point that the rude farmer, with no consideration for the new mummy, comes and chases her out of her hospital bed and takes away her new born eggs, not even giving her a chance to give them names!

This process has been made so easy for you, Mr Bachelor, by that supermarket across the road from your shared house, by bringing these eggs right to their shelf. A few bucks and you have a whole tray.

The Process
With egg, saucepan and water in place, fire up the gas cylinder, pour water into saucepan, place it on fire and insert 2 to 3 eggs in that water and leave them there for like 20 minutes! When eggs are removed, knock off the shell and apply salt to the white thingy you see now! Buy a packet of splash from that same supermarket and Voila, breakfast is ready!!! A splash and a boiled egg!!

Lunch menu!

Half chips, half rice and beef

A very popular dish for bachelors on the go! It is already 2 pm and you are almost finishing that movie you borrowed, but you have to first have lunch before heading out to meet the fellaz! Here’s how you make this;

Ingredients;

1- A boda boda chap ; Definition – A lice-infested lumpen that usually sits around on his motorcycle all day waiting for you to send him, can always be found in the vicinity of your shared house!

2- Money; Definition – Pieces of paper and metal coins that are accepted everywhere as exchange items for products you may want.

3 – Mobile phone; Definition – Thingy, which when certain buttons are pressed, allows you to talk to the pumpkn described in 1 above.

The procedure;

The process of making this food is quite simple. First, take a tea spoon that has been lying on your table, and place it in the sink for the house help to wash when she comes in later in the day. Then grab that mobile phone that lay next to the spoon, and press some number you stored in it as “boda fella”. Call the lumpen and give him directions to the nearest Chillie’s or Bon apetit takeaway! Ask him to bring half chips, half rice and beef.

If he asks you if he should bring “1 share”, slap his lousy head and tell him you want “1 pack”, because you have no idea what the hell a share is! Except when it comes to paying the rent, then you share! Tell him not to ride fast, lest the food gets cooled in the wind, and not to touch inside the polythene bag they’ll give him, lest the jiggers that infest his un-manicured paws find their way to the food and gang up with bacteria and spoil your pinting session with the fellas!

Supper

Ingredient;

MONEY!!

This is all you need as of now! Buy a video chicken, grasshoppers and a favourite liquid of your choice, then find your way home! And that is the cook book for a bachelor!!