“Ouch!!!!” I scram, as my tooth burnt like a spike in a muchomo stove! I knew I hadn’t been to a dentist in like…..well, ever! The thought of dragging my ass voluntarily to a torture chamber with no motivation whatsoever never crossed my mind, but now, here was the motivation.
I immediately set off for the Kisimenti area, I knew I had seen many Dental signposts along this road while strolling to Iguana and Just Kicking. I always wondered how these guys pay rent, I mean, who gets teeth problems right?...Wrong!!
As I wondered around the area, I passed all the torture chambers until I saw it, just there inviting me to walk in, “Dentals: Traditional and Herbal healing”, I knew I was in luck. All I wanted was some Chinese leaves that the dentist would tell me to munch on for about 3 times a day for a week and my issues would be blown away like a freakin suicide bomber!
I immediately turn in, only to be welcomed by this Chinese / Korean receptionist “herro, werr-come to dental crinic, how may I herrp?!!”
“Well, I gots this tooth buggin me, can u check it out and tell me how the herbs are going to work?”
“No no no, u make mistake, mister. Herbal medicine for massage onrry…….. tooth ploblem, u see doctor, in here!”
Now am led to the torture chamber where the Doctor beez chillin. “Morning Sir, what seems to be the problem?”
“Just check me out”
Then the worst, the dental chair! “Have a sit” he says as he adjusts the huge light bulb above.
“God, if you are really there, sori for the shit I did, just don’t over do it”, my mind kept saying.
“Open mouse!” screamed the assistant! I did!
“Oh my goodness, this is bad, very bad, u need to get this shit worked on IMMEDIATELY!!!” And I thought Dentists never did marketing! “60,000 for the regular clean and…….. oh 2 teeth is completely gone, 80,000 for filling…….each!!” “Oh wait a minute, there’s 2 more dead ones, u need to fix all this”
“But I have no pain anywhere else”
“Sir, if you know what’s good for you, you will take the procedure”
“Ah what the heck, let me first go get money for at least 1 fill up, then the rest will come if they ever hurt…..or as I get the dimes”
Off I went to the nearest bank, I don’t take their adverts lightly. “Mornin miss loan officer, I would like to sign up for a “dental” loan, shit if you can have a “wedding” loan, you must have “foot massage” loans too, what da ya say?”
“Sir, u are looking for either a co-operative society or a microfinance,this is a bank, sorry, u are in the wrong place”
So I went to borrow dimes anyway, from some rich guys who don’t mind that interest crap, coz this dentist had scared me senseless! Finally, dimes borrowed, back to the torture chamber to have the dentist make a volcanic mountain erupt in my mouth and the molten lava burn the crap outta my brains.
“Open mouse!!!” Assistant immediately ordered!
This is when I knew why carpenters borrow tools from dentists. I saw a damn toolbox with nails and shit! However, to my relief, the guy unlash some sophisticated machinery and proceeded to do the damn thing! Shockingly, there was virtually no pain, as this guy kept finding his way around, and the usual “open mouse wide!!” interruptions!
“We’re done here, however, you need to pass by every month for regular checks!”
Shit, yet another monthly bill!!
Well, al give it to the chaps, they do have ballistic machinery, I sure won’t call it a torture chamber next time round! And I can now eat hard corns again! Out!!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Nation of Whiners
Whiners: A bunch of cowards who bitch about anything and everything and never have anything good to say. aka. those who need to f*ck off!
I don’t fall in this category (although Budo fellas and corporate chaps would beg to differ), I know I was sent to piss the world off, a rebel without a cause, so that ain’t whining.
Well, that’s my excuse…….
However, I would like to welcome you to this “corporate talk”, my name is Professor Sanders, Esquire, MBA and some other letters of the alphabet put together after you spell my name. I came up with this ingenious seminar way to make money…..no no no, please ignore that, I did come up with this ingenious way to help my sales and marketing brothers n sisters trying to break out into that market, but do not know how to deal with clients/whiners…...and these spreading fast to all industries, like a Socially Transmitted Disease (still STD). Unfortunately, washing your hands won’t stop this plague, and we have not found a vaccine or a condom for it, so let’s try these measures.
Hey, you sleepy fella in the corner, get up, what am going to say is important, senchu.
Anywho, there are 4 ways to deal with these kind of torturous evil maniacs, and this is really goin’ to help if you are a receptionist or a call center attendant, always having to deal with one whiny complaint after another;
1 – Ignore it. (But just pray the whiner doesn’t play golf with yo company CEO). Pass it by like chewed Orbit. Whining needs attention to stay alive, ignoring the bastard equates to smothering the idea of a problem, let him/her look for someone else to dump their problems on. You be in a call center working for a utility company, and the guy is calling asking to speak to a woman’s voice……or else! Now you wonder what the hell that has to do with having no electricity in your area!
2 – Listen and guide. Usually you will want this jerk off out of your hair, or is it ear, as soon as he begins yapping that “problem” stuff. However as an employee, you shall be bribed at the end of every month with some little dimes to listen to the whiners, salary they call it, they will even give you “bonus” dimes for a call well received. Direct this whiner’s problem to something else, coz his wife may have pissed him off and he needs to offload his shit on you. So if he beez complaining of how high airtime costs are, remind him of how high fuel is, heck, even prostitutes recently passed a decree through the “underground prostitutes and whore’s movement” announcing a 10% hike in all activities! (for some weird reason, I know this)
3 – Dramatise events. Exaggerate the state of the problems, e.g
Caller: Hullo, is this (company name removed just in case some bored lawyer wants jobo)
Respondent: Yes it is, my name is Rita how may may I help?
Caller: You thieving bastards!!!! I have just loaded airtime and now it’s over, am going to move to another company, you think we are stupid, we know you monopolies……….
Respondent: By the way, even me the other day my airtime just burst like that…..kati, what do you think we should do to this company?
Caller: Huh, ok, let me call you back!
4 – Say stupid stuff.
Caller: You stupid guys, I give you all my money and you treat me like this???!!!!
Respondent: Erm, do you serve chips with that?
Now that you have seen the various ways to deal with these pests, I do sincerely hope you shall be named employee of the month when those “employee evaluation” reports on “customer care” return!
Goodluck employees!
And on a whining note, whatever the hell happened to my favorite peoples, Ms D, Ashy and Zsamm.......in a chick's words.....SOME CHUCKING!!!
I don’t fall in this category (although Budo fellas and corporate chaps would beg to differ), I know I was sent to piss the world off, a rebel without a cause, so that ain’t whining.
Well, that’s my excuse…….
However, I would like to welcome you to this “corporate talk”, my name is Professor Sanders, Esquire, MBA and some other letters of the alphabet put together after you spell my name. I came up with this ingenious seminar way to make money…..no no no, please ignore that, I did come up with this ingenious way to help my sales and marketing brothers n sisters trying to break out into that market, but do not know how to deal with clients/whiners…...and these spreading fast to all industries, like a Socially Transmitted Disease (still STD). Unfortunately, washing your hands won’t stop this plague, and we have not found a vaccine or a condom for it, so let’s try these measures.
Hey, you sleepy fella in the corner, get up, what am going to say is important, senchu.
Anywho, there are 4 ways to deal with these kind of torturous evil maniacs, and this is really goin’ to help if you are a receptionist or a call center attendant, always having to deal with one whiny complaint after another;
1 – Ignore it. (But just pray the whiner doesn’t play golf with yo company CEO). Pass it by like chewed Orbit. Whining needs attention to stay alive, ignoring the bastard equates to smothering the idea of a problem, let him/her look for someone else to dump their problems on. You be in a call center working for a utility company, and the guy is calling asking to speak to a woman’s voice……or else! Now you wonder what the hell that has to do with having no electricity in your area!
2 – Listen and guide. Usually you will want this jerk off out of your hair, or is it ear, as soon as he begins yapping that “problem” stuff. However as an employee, you shall be bribed at the end of every month with some little dimes to listen to the whiners, salary they call it, they will even give you “bonus” dimes for a call well received. Direct this whiner’s problem to something else, coz his wife may have pissed him off and he needs to offload his shit on you. So if he beez complaining of how high airtime costs are, remind him of how high fuel is, heck, even prostitutes recently passed a decree through the “underground prostitutes and whore’s movement” announcing a 10% hike in all activities! (for some weird reason, I know this)
3 – Dramatise events. Exaggerate the state of the problems, e.g
Caller: Hullo, is this (company name removed just in case some bored lawyer wants jobo)
Respondent: Yes it is, my name is Rita how may may I help?
Caller: You thieving bastards!!!! I have just loaded airtime and now it’s over, am going to move to another company, you think we are stupid, we know you monopolies……….
Respondent: By the way, even me the other day my airtime just burst like that…..kati, what do you think we should do to this company?
Caller: Huh, ok, let me call you back!
4 – Say stupid stuff.
Caller: You stupid guys, I give you all my money and you treat me like this???!!!!
Respondent: Erm, do you serve chips with that?
Now that you have seen the various ways to deal with these pests, I do sincerely hope you shall be named employee of the month when those “employee evaluation” reports on “customer care” return!
Goodluck employees!
And on a whining note, whatever the hell happened to my favorite peoples, Ms D, Ashy and Zsamm.......in a chick's words.....SOME CHUCKING!!!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The white man's view of Africa!!
There is a tv channel called Nat Geo adventure, with chaps just moving up and down the globe. This channel has some chap that visits the “wildest” of em’ all, and he had a show where white chaps called him inquiring about visits to Africa. Here is the transcript;
Question: I am thinking of going on a mission trip to Kenya, but my mother is against it, because she was watching the National Geographic channel the other day and found out that there are lions there. Is that true and how do I protect myself? -- Mike, New York.
Answer: Yes, there are lions in Kenya and most of them, as your mother may have told you, are big and hungry. Now you know why Kenyans are such good runners. You can protect yourself by wearing a good pair of running shoes and always carrying a spear. It's also wise to travel with a companion, preferably one who's slower than you. I don't mean to scare you, but most lions in Kenya are tired of eating local people and consider foreigners a delicacy. So please give your mother a big hug before you leave. And don't forget to write a will.
Q: My company has offered me a short stint in Zimbabwe. Before I accept, I have a couple of questions. Does Zimbabwe have any cities? What about electricity? -- Luther, Maryland.
A: There are no cities in Zimbabwe, only villages. Harare is the capital village. There's no electricity either, just something called electrivillage. Don't worry: It will provide enough light for your hut, as long as you remember to fill it up regularly with fireflies.
Q: My husband and I are traveling to Somalia next month. Do they accept credit cards there or should we carry cash? -- Jennifer, North Carolina.
A: Neither. Your best bet is to carry lots of shells. You can buy them at a crafts store or collect them at the beach. Five hundred shells will get you a room in a decent hotel, but if you want to stay in a first-class one, you'll probably have to shell out more.
Q: My friends and I will be visiting South Africa soon, but would also like to see the magnificent Victoria Falls in Zambia. Can we travel there by air? -- Josh, Washington.
A: Yes, you can certainly travel by air. Just get on a tree and keep swinging. You'll be there in no time. And you're right: the Victoria Falls is magnificent. It's like the Niagara on Viagra.
Q: I'm going to be spending two years in Uganda as a Peace Corps volunteer. I will have plenty of work during the day, but I'm not sure how to spend my nights. What do Ugandans do for entertainment? -- Donna, Connecticut.
A: Ugandans are just like other Africans. They entertain themselves by sitting in a circle around a fire and singing "Kumbaya." In some remote villages, they may even tell jokes about any foreigner in their midst. But if they start calling the event a "roast," be prepared to run.
Q: I am hoping to visit Namibia in a few months. Just wondered if I should take my cell phone with me. Will I be able to communicate with it? -- Nathan, Indiana.
A: You will certainly be able to communicate with it. Just use the buttons to make clicking sounds. Here's the key: one click means 'I come in peace,' two clicks mean 'Take me to your leader,' and three clicks mean 'No, I am not edible.'
Q: I have a friend called George in South Afica and Peter in Morocco, do you know them? - - Joy, Chicago.
A: Yep. Africa is one small place, and every person has his own name. Will send my greetings!
Question: I am thinking of going on a mission trip to Kenya, but my mother is against it, because she was watching the National Geographic channel the other day and found out that there are lions there. Is that true and how do I protect myself? -- Mike, New York.
Answer: Yes, there are lions in Kenya and most of them, as your mother may have told you, are big and hungry. Now you know why Kenyans are such good runners. You can protect yourself by wearing a good pair of running shoes and always carrying a spear. It's also wise to travel with a companion, preferably one who's slower than you. I don't mean to scare you, but most lions in Kenya are tired of eating local people and consider foreigners a delicacy. So please give your mother a big hug before you leave. And don't forget to write a will.
Q: My company has offered me a short stint in Zimbabwe. Before I accept, I have a couple of questions. Does Zimbabwe have any cities? What about electricity? -- Luther, Maryland.
A: There are no cities in Zimbabwe, only villages. Harare is the capital village. There's no electricity either, just something called electrivillage. Don't worry: It will provide enough light for your hut, as long as you remember to fill it up regularly with fireflies.
Q: My husband and I are traveling to Somalia next month. Do they accept credit cards there or should we carry cash? -- Jennifer, North Carolina.
A: Neither. Your best bet is to carry lots of shells. You can buy them at a crafts store or collect them at the beach. Five hundred shells will get you a room in a decent hotel, but if you want to stay in a first-class one, you'll probably have to shell out more.
Q: My friends and I will be visiting South Africa soon, but would also like to see the magnificent Victoria Falls in Zambia. Can we travel there by air? -- Josh, Washington.
A: Yes, you can certainly travel by air. Just get on a tree and keep swinging. You'll be there in no time. And you're right: the Victoria Falls is magnificent. It's like the Niagara on Viagra.
Q: I'm going to be spending two years in Uganda as a Peace Corps volunteer. I will have plenty of work during the day, but I'm not sure how to spend my nights. What do Ugandans do for entertainment? -- Donna, Connecticut.
A: Ugandans are just like other Africans. They entertain themselves by sitting in a circle around a fire and singing "Kumbaya." In some remote villages, they may even tell jokes about any foreigner in their midst. But if they start calling the event a "roast," be prepared to run.
Q: I am hoping to visit Namibia in a few months. Just wondered if I should take my cell phone with me. Will I be able to communicate with it? -- Nathan, Indiana.
A: You will certainly be able to communicate with it. Just use the buttons to make clicking sounds. Here's the key: one click means 'I come in peace,' two clicks mean 'Take me to your leader,' and three clicks mean 'No, I am not edible.'
Q: I have a friend called George in South Afica and Peter in Morocco, do you know them? - - Joy, Chicago.
A: Yep. Africa is one small place, and every person has his own name. Will send my greetings!
More Spam!!
My hotmail account works such that one side of it is junk mail, then the other is for authorized persons as prescribed by my useless se-lef! Because you may receive a ki mail from someone that wasn’t previously authorized, I still have to check the junk mail, just in case.
From the look of things however, it seems am a sexual pervert, and a grossly un-gifted by nature one at that, coz the shit that beez streamin to my junk mail is telling;
“Increase your manhood: The looks you will be receiving from women will be extraordinary”, goes the first one.
“GetDirectSave: Huge savings on Viagra”, ok, maybe al try out this drug and hope I don’t hump the neighbour’s goat!
“HornyandSexy Sarah wants: You!” Damn Sarah, take it easy.
If you can see the order in which the junk mail was streaming in, you would know that I was supposed to get my ass outta this café real quick, go get my manhood enlarged so I can impress horny Sarah, then buy some Viagra shit then eventually go meet up with this horny Sarah character.
Luckily, it is junk mail also known as Spam! And that’s exactly what you get after the meet with horny Sarah!
Am not on Facebook, but I do get almost 6 messages on a daily, and all from chicks, Tina, Jasmine and Jacqui all want to be my friends.
The shit people go through to send to computers viruses! Say, even if I actually met these chicks, I would probably get viruses too! Now if there’s anything more to show that the world is one huge coincidence…..
From the look of things however, it seems am a sexual pervert, and a grossly un-gifted by nature one at that, coz the shit that beez streamin to my junk mail is telling;
“Increase your manhood: The looks you will be receiving from women will be extraordinary”, goes the first one.
“GetDirectSave: Huge savings on Viagra”, ok, maybe al try out this drug and hope I don’t hump the neighbour’s goat!
“HornyandSexy Sarah wants: You!” Damn Sarah, take it easy.
If you can see the order in which the junk mail was streaming in, you would know that I was supposed to get my ass outta this café real quick, go get my manhood enlarged so I can impress horny Sarah, then buy some Viagra shit then eventually go meet up with this horny Sarah character.
Luckily, it is junk mail also known as Spam! And that’s exactly what you get after the meet with horny Sarah!
Am not on Facebook, but I do get almost 6 messages on a daily, and all from chicks, Tina, Jasmine and Jacqui all want to be my friends.
The shit people go through to send to computers viruses! Say, even if I actually met these chicks, I would probably get viruses too! Now if there’s anything more to show that the world is one huge coincidence…..
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Re-incarnation explored!!
Human peoples are blessed with minds that enable us think, unlike silly baboons and smelly cats. In the forest of our minds, we conjure up all sorts of imaginations, some of which we force upon others, in the belief that we are right, for example, religion. As we wonder through this intricate web of imagination, we always end up in unknown territory, the shit we want to know but just can’t, for example, what the hell do women exactly want?
That question however is for another day, as the mind today reached another destination that is up for thought, what the hell happens in the after life? Some characters think we first go to the clouds and meet some St Peter chap who has a blackberry with all our data in it, and based on these, he either gives you a ticket to meet 70 virgins or you go to hell – literally!
How about re-incarnation?
Imagine if we are re-cycled? But that wouldn’t explain the population growth, since we are now a lot more than previously. But then again, many animal species get extinct, maybe they return as humans, and immediately concentrate on becoming politicians, coz only wild animals behave like they do. So, imagine if there was re-incarnation, this is what would happen to you.
Dog!
You are sent back as a canine. If you were previously a man, this should be no problem, coz according to our sisters, “all men are dogs”, so we just return to resume normal business. However, if you were a chick and return as a dog, this is what awaits yo ass;
Begging: As a dog, if you don’t live near a garbage pit, yo miserable life shall be spent wagging yo tail at Bamboo nest hoping that the human chap throws a bone at you. Some nasty humans will lace these bones with tones of chilli just for their amazement as they see you roll on the ground like a crazy hyena on heat! You will fight for chicks, and this time they are actually called bitches, so you must be ready to endure scars, that shit of buying the bitch ice cream and taking her for a movie then you get sorted, fogit about it! If you are strong and win the bitch over, you will get stuck to the chick after that chow, and start wondering around like a pair of confused Siamese twins whose parents were cousins, your erect member will be stuck to this bitch’s ass all day, get trouble crossing the road and shit! Speaking of getting stuck, this God character should enable women to tie up rapists like this. You be there blasting and she just ties up, then goes “ok that’s it, we are going to the police station. Don’t try anything silly coz al just tighten up, let’s move punk!!”
Pig!
If you commit many sins, St Peter will send you back to earth as a pig. If you thought a dog’s life was, erm, gone to the dogs, just see the shit our porky relatives go through.
You shall be the filthiest living thing known to civilization. One of your favorite meals, believe it or not, is your own shit! Talk about zero expenses on sewerage! But for some weird and very strange reason, you shall be one of the tastiest animals known to civilization! Probably eating your own shit is good for your predators, coz nothing beats a ham sandwich, Rise and Shine pork, Frankfurters, sausages, sausage rolls, sausage kebabs…….shit, the list is endless!
However, you shall have one of the biggest controversies known to man, coz the guys that like to feed on your fatty ballistic self are humans, but then again, the animals that detest you the most are….u guessed right, humans! They usually call themselves muslims. They will never shake the hands of those that have just had a delicacy of one of your ancestors, heck, they won’t even use a plate that has ever held one of your cousins! We just don’t know why!
Cow!
When you shit, your dung is known as bullshit!! Stop smiling, that’s not a compliment! When you return as a cow, it’s both as a punishment and a ki deadly blessing! If St Peter reads that you molested 14 year old……..no, not chicks, 14 year old bottles of wine, ‘stead a letting ‘em get to the required 25 years to taste ballistic, your ass will be dragged back to earth as a cow in Rukungiri. You will be picked up by a rag tag gang of very un-hygienic lumpens on a Fuso truck and tied up like a common criminal and ferried to Kampala for slaughter. While in transit, your horns shall be tied to the top of the truck such that in your quest to find balance, your hooves may end up hanging on the side of the truck – for 6 straight hours. Luckily, you may not reach the slaughter house alive after all this torture.
Howsomever, if you are lucky, you shall be sent as a cow to India! These nuts believe that cows are re-incarnations of their ancestors, this is de javu, coz we are assuming exactly that right now! The Indian hindus don’t eat cows, they just watch over them till they are old then send them to an elderly ranch where they spend the rest of their miserable lives eating grass and watching the sun set! If this isn’t the life you want, then you need to get a grip on shit!
Cat!
If you are really lucky, you shall be sent as a feline friend to some old white chick who broke up with her husband after killing him. She then inherited all his wealth and has no one to speak to. This wench will leave all her property to you in her will, and you will be pampered like a spoilt brat till a pack of dogs eventually finds you and sends your 9 lives back to the clouds for re-incarnation.
This time round, you may return as a wild cat and spend the rest of your 9 lives begging for milk and eating dirty rats!
Cockroach!
This is probably the worst punishment. Humans will step on you, leave you in pain, but you just don’t die! You just be limping around the house like you were Bebe freakin Fool! You will live so long you may even understand English and start reading the spray cans on our bathroom shelves and talk to your relatives “peoples, looks like we are having a Doom shower tonight. This one says odorless, so be sure this punk is going to drown us on this one this time. Say, I preferred the Farco rapid kill, that shit tasted salty and crispy, let’s see what this Doom shit does, ready guys, get the chemical gas masks, here comes the idiot” is all you may be saying.
Personally, I want to return as King’s son. People just kneel for you as if you paid their school fees! They give you free dimes and even protest on your behalf, while you, you just chill! If you are Mswati’s son, you will beg the Lord to never kill you, what with all the virgins you get a year! If you are African royalty, chaps will lay down on your path so you just walk over them, breaking a couple of spines in the process, but it’s all good , they love it!!
If only this shit were true!
Out!
That question however is for another day, as the mind today reached another destination that is up for thought, what the hell happens in the after life? Some characters think we first go to the clouds and meet some St Peter chap who has a blackberry with all our data in it, and based on these, he either gives you a ticket to meet 70 virgins or you go to hell – literally!
How about re-incarnation?
Imagine if we are re-cycled? But that wouldn’t explain the population growth, since we are now a lot more than previously. But then again, many animal species get extinct, maybe they return as humans, and immediately concentrate on becoming politicians, coz only wild animals behave like they do. So, imagine if there was re-incarnation, this is what would happen to you.
Dog!
You are sent back as a canine. If you were previously a man, this should be no problem, coz according to our sisters, “all men are dogs”, so we just return to resume normal business. However, if you were a chick and return as a dog, this is what awaits yo ass;
Begging: As a dog, if you don’t live near a garbage pit, yo miserable life shall be spent wagging yo tail at Bamboo nest hoping that the human chap throws a bone at you. Some nasty humans will lace these bones with tones of chilli just for their amazement as they see you roll on the ground like a crazy hyena on heat! You will fight for chicks, and this time they are actually called bitches, so you must be ready to endure scars, that shit of buying the bitch ice cream and taking her for a movie then you get sorted, fogit about it! If you are strong and win the bitch over, you will get stuck to the chick after that chow, and start wondering around like a pair of confused Siamese twins whose parents were cousins, your erect member will be stuck to this bitch’s ass all day, get trouble crossing the road and shit! Speaking of getting stuck, this God character should enable women to tie up rapists like this. You be there blasting and she just ties up, then goes “ok that’s it, we are going to the police station. Don’t try anything silly coz al just tighten up, let’s move punk!!”
Pig!
If you commit many sins, St Peter will send you back to earth as a pig. If you thought a dog’s life was, erm, gone to the dogs, just see the shit our porky relatives go through.
You shall be the filthiest living thing known to civilization. One of your favorite meals, believe it or not, is your own shit! Talk about zero expenses on sewerage! But for some weird and very strange reason, you shall be one of the tastiest animals known to civilization! Probably eating your own shit is good for your predators, coz nothing beats a ham sandwich, Rise and Shine pork, Frankfurters, sausages, sausage rolls, sausage kebabs…….shit, the list is endless!
However, you shall have one of the biggest controversies known to man, coz the guys that like to feed on your fatty ballistic self are humans, but then again, the animals that detest you the most are….u guessed right, humans! They usually call themselves muslims. They will never shake the hands of those that have just had a delicacy of one of your ancestors, heck, they won’t even use a plate that has ever held one of your cousins! We just don’t know why!
Cow!
When you shit, your dung is known as bullshit!! Stop smiling, that’s not a compliment! When you return as a cow, it’s both as a punishment and a ki deadly blessing! If St Peter reads that you molested 14 year old……..no, not chicks, 14 year old bottles of wine, ‘stead a letting ‘em get to the required 25 years to taste ballistic, your ass will be dragged back to earth as a cow in Rukungiri. You will be picked up by a rag tag gang of very un-hygienic lumpens on a Fuso truck and tied up like a common criminal and ferried to Kampala for slaughter. While in transit, your horns shall be tied to the top of the truck such that in your quest to find balance, your hooves may end up hanging on the side of the truck – for 6 straight hours. Luckily, you may not reach the slaughter house alive after all this torture.
Howsomever, if you are lucky, you shall be sent as a cow to India! These nuts believe that cows are re-incarnations of their ancestors, this is de javu, coz we are assuming exactly that right now! The Indian hindus don’t eat cows, they just watch over them till they are old then send them to an elderly ranch where they spend the rest of their miserable lives eating grass and watching the sun set! If this isn’t the life you want, then you need to get a grip on shit!
Cat!
If you are really lucky, you shall be sent as a feline friend to some old white chick who broke up with her husband after killing him. She then inherited all his wealth and has no one to speak to. This wench will leave all her property to you in her will, and you will be pampered like a spoilt brat till a pack of dogs eventually finds you and sends your 9 lives back to the clouds for re-incarnation.
This time round, you may return as a wild cat and spend the rest of your 9 lives begging for milk and eating dirty rats!
Cockroach!
This is probably the worst punishment. Humans will step on you, leave you in pain, but you just don’t die! You just be limping around the house like you were Bebe freakin Fool! You will live so long you may even understand English and start reading the spray cans on our bathroom shelves and talk to your relatives “peoples, looks like we are having a Doom shower tonight. This one says odorless, so be sure this punk is going to drown us on this one this time. Say, I preferred the Farco rapid kill, that shit tasted salty and crispy, let’s see what this Doom shit does, ready guys, get the chemical gas masks, here comes the idiot” is all you may be saying.
Personally, I want to return as King’s son. People just kneel for you as if you paid their school fees! They give you free dimes and even protest on your behalf, while you, you just chill! If you are Mswati’s son, you will beg the Lord to never kill you, what with all the virgins you get a year! If you are African royalty, chaps will lay down on your path so you just walk over them, breaking a couple of spines in the process, but it’s all good , they love it!!
If only this shit were true!
Out!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Shopaholics Anonymous!!
A new phenomenon has hit town, and, as usual, its straight outta Europe. This stuf has come in form of a “disease” known as “shopaholic disorder”! Apparently this disease is catching chicks faster than gonorrhea, diphtheria, diarrhea and any disease than ends in “….rhea”.Shopaholism, the disease, has been classified as an addiction that is equal to, if not worse than smoking, drinking and stealing government funds!
According to some psychologist whose name you don’t really care to know as it adds no tangible value to your ballistic self, this strange disease is often caused by depression, stress, loneliness, anger and the need to be accepted.However, our resident psychologist, whose offices are located in my sub-conscious, refuted these allegations. She said (nice, my conscience is a chick) that shopaholic stuffs are caused by a sudden influx of dimes, probably from some deadly commission one received because she connected the guys that are going to repair street lights to some KCC hyenas.
The psychologist (the real one this time) added that shopaholics need to seek immediate attention from qualified doctors, but was hesitant to add that she was actually talking about herself, and her phone number will be availed if you read the entire article.
What help?
Let’s see the scenario (with the so called qualified but bored psychologist):
“Hi Doc, munange I haven’t been feeling well lately, nga I have been shopping things like a problem! I have more Uchumi receipts than pictures of my family in my sack/handbag! I am confused, please help!”
Addicted resident!
“Well Ms Addicted Resident, this disease is creeping into our corporate culture lately. What you can do however is, just follow my 6 step procedure, which I have clearly written in my book that you will have to buy from the counter on your way out, “shopaholics – the miracle cure, if this shit works…..its a miracle bitch!!”, I clearly explain that u can do the following: Don’t move with your ATM, go tell the bank to shove it up theirs, coz you are saving: Track every penny saved, even that dime for orbit: Ask your spending self, is this a need or a want? If it’s a rolex for a campus toyboy, it’s a need, spend it bitch: Avoid temptations, and not that bible shit, but Uchumi shit: Ask for help, and pay me while you are at it – spend more to learn how to not spend more: Seek professional help – that’s me again, pay up bitch:”
If it were my turn to help this maggot, here’s the deal:
“Woman, u have a what? Spending habit? Coo, let me help. First of all, draft a letter to that silly employer of yours detailing to him how you are making too much money it’s making you sick with a strange disease that makes you feel like spending all of it!
Next, ask…nay, beg the nice incorruptible masturbators at URA to increase your PAYE to 50%. What’s this business of cutting off ONLY 30% yet you don’t need this dime! It’ll be a first, but you know you are trailblazer u spendthrift chick you!
Next, get that ATM card and throw it in a river. Write to the bank and tell them you will no longer withdraw that monthly salary “cause yo ATM and you have divorced, due to irreconcilable differences"! That money can always be deducted as “bank charges”.
Just in case yo daddy is Sam Kutesa, disown the guy! “Daddy, yo money is making me sick!” is a good way to part with him.
Finally, if you are having spending problems “just because you broke up with some lumpen”, using mobile money, send dimes to 077X-XXXXXX, coz that’s my number bitch!
And another finally……..stop whining that you have too much money and cant help it but shop! What kind of bullshit is this? It’s not a disease! It’s what we all wake up for!
According to some psychologist whose name you don’t really care to know as it adds no tangible value to your ballistic self, this strange disease is often caused by depression, stress, loneliness, anger and the need to be accepted.However, our resident psychologist, whose offices are located in my sub-conscious, refuted these allegations. She said (nice, my conscience is a chick) that shopaholic stuffs are caused by a sudden influx of dimes, probably from some deadly commission one received because she connected the guys that are going to repair street lights to some KCC hyenas.
The psychologist (the real one this time) added that shopaholics need to seek immediate attention from qualified doctors, but was hesitant to add that she was actually talking about herself, and her phone number will be availed if you read the entire article.
What help?
Let’s see the scenario (with the so called qualified but bored psychologist):
“Hi Doc, munange I haven’t been feeling well lately, nga I have been shopping things like a problem! I have more Uchumi receipts than pictures of my family in my sack/handbag! I am confused, please help!”
Addicted resident!
“Well Ms Addicted Resident, this disease is creeping into our corporate culture lately. What you can do however is, just follow my 6 step procedure, which I have clearly written in my book that you will have to buy from the counter on your way out, “shopaholics – the miracle cure, if this shit works…..its a miracle bitch!!”, I clearly explain that u can do the following: Don’t move with your ATM, go tell the bank to shove it up theirs, coz you are saving: Track every penny saved, even that dime for orbit: Ask your spending self, is this a need or a want? If it’s a rolex for a campus toyboy, it’s a need, spend it bitch: Avoid temptations, and not that bible shit, but Uchumi shit: Ask for help, and pay me while you are at it – spend more to learn how to not spend more: Seek professional help – that’s me again, pay up bitch:”
If it were my turn to help this maggot, here’s the deal:
“Woman, u have a what? Spending habit? Coo, let me help. First of all, draft a letter to that silly employer of yours detailing to him how you are making too much money it’s making you sick with a strange disease that makes you feel like spending all of it!
Next, ask…nay, beg the nice incorruptible masturbators at URA to increase your PAYE to 50%. What’s this business of cutting off ONLY 30% yet you don’t need this dime! It’ll be a first, but you know you are trailblazer u spendthrift chick you!
Next, get that ATM card and throw it in a river. Write to the bank and tell them you will no longer withdraw that monthly salary “cause yo ATM and you have divorced, due to irreconcilable differences"! That money can always be deducted as “bank charges”.
Just in case yo daddy is Sam Kutesa, disown the guy! “Daddy, yo money is making me sick!” is a good way to part with him.
Finally, if you are having spending problems “just because you broke up with some lumpen”, using mobile money, send dimes to 077X-XXXXXX, coz that’s my number bitch!
And another finally……..stop whining that you have too much money and cant help it but shop! What kind of bullshit is this? It’s not a disease! It’s what we all wake up for!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
While you were away.......
These security measures are pissing me the f* off! Do we look like we can actually blow ourselves up? Jesus ain’t that cool to die for godamit! Just imagine the Cardinal calling u up at Rubaga Cathedral or some other shitty place and goin…..
“Son, u have been chosen for this mission to carry out our Lord’s work. Now, u will strap this stuff on, head to that crowded place…yep, full of those muslim criminals…then u will click this little button thingy, and St Peter shall be awaiting you with open arms!”
“Ait father, ait, am with you on this one, to hell with those muslim infidels….now let me get you straight, al get onto a bike, then proceed to the mall, but then, where do I meet u guys after blowing this stuff up?”
“Son, u don’t understand, we need u to get right at the center of the crowd, then blow the damn thing!”
“That’s fine, so when exactly do we meet after this stuff….Tuesday, Thursday…”
“U idiot, u blow yourself up too”
“Ey man, ey dawg men, I aint gon do it man…shit I gat kids and everything, a new girlfriend and all, heck, I just bought these new shoes man….am down with that boy Jesus but I aint down like that….peace out homes!”
Am pretty sure we would all reply like this (except that Fr Sempa character, anything for the news right?) so why the hassle!? Born again chaps are issuing id’s to their “members” so as to avoid a blast. If I wanted to blow up these excuses of holy people, I would just infiltrate their “cells” as they call them, sing that kumbaya shit till my voice gets sore, become a lead pastor, then one day walk in with my C4 strapped to my shoulders and send these noisy freaks to wherever the hell they believe they are going! Id’s my foot!!
In this same vein, LC’s everywhere have become the most powerful chaps alive, registering “members” of the residential areas. Even companies have become serious. There is this gas station where we were gathering data of employees, being a “hot target” and all, but the staff file made me forget about the security measures, coz these application letters were too killer, who am I not to share;
Dear Sir / Madam;
Re: Application for a vaccancy.
I submit my application to you applying to be employed by you. I am 22 years old. At all times, I shall be royal to my superiors and social to my counterparts. I will be happy when I receive a positive reply.
Ronald
Dear Sir
Re: Application.
Sir, I have looked for a job everywhere in vain, that’s why I have tried you. As in education, I failed to finish A level but I have an o level, and all that was due to financial problems. I have knowledge, trust and integrity and wish you employ me.
Jack
Dear Sir,
Application
I hereby write this application to your company. I am a Ugandan aged 21 and female by sex. I finished 3 levels of studies, that is to say, PLE, UCE and UACE from different schools as can be seen on attached copies next page.
Hoping for a good consideration.
Molly
As I type this shit, it’s 4.18 in the pm, and am chillin in Iguana, thank God they have no tv’s else I would be subjected to that torture known as Big Brother. But the laptop got a full metal scan at the entrance, the guy almost removed the typing keys, just to be sure it was a laptop! The shit we are going through!
“Son, u have been chosen for this mission to carry out our Lord’s work. Now, u will strap this stuff on, head to that crowded place…yep, full of those muslim criminals…then u will click this little button thingy, and St Peter shall be awaiting you with open arms!”
“Ait father, ait, am with you on this one, to hell with those muslim infidels….now let me get you straight, al get onto a bike, then proceed to the mall, but then, where do I meet u guys after blowing this stuff up?”
“Son, u don’t understand, we need u to get right at the center of the crowd, then blow the damn thing!”
“That’s fine, so when exactly do we meet after this stuff….Tuesday, Thursday…”
“U idiot, u blow yourself up too”
“Ey man, ey dawg men, I aint gon do it man…shit I gat kids and everything, a new girlfriend and all, heck, I just bought these new shoes man….am down with that boy Jesus but I aint down like that….peace out homes!”
Am pretty sure we would all reply like this (except that Fr Sempa character, anything for the news right?) so why the hassle!? Born again chaps are issuing id’s to their “members” so as to avoid a blast. If I wanted to blow up these excuses of holy people, I would just infiltrate their “cells” as they call them, sing that kumbaya shit till my voice gets sore, become a lead pastor, then one day walk in with my C4 strapped to my shoulders and send these noisy freaks to wherever the hell they believe they are going! Id’s my foot!!
In this same vein, LC’s everywhere have become the most powerful chaps alive, registering “members” of the residential areas. Even companies have become serious. There is this gas station where we were gathering data of employees, being a “hot target” and all, but the staff file made me forget about the security measures, coz these application letters were too killer, who am I not to share;
Dear Sir / Madam;
Re: Application for a vaccancy.
I submit my application to you applying to be employed by you. I am 22 years old. At all times, I shall be royal to my superiors and social to my counterparts. I will be happy when I receive a positive reply.
Ronald
Dear Sir
Re: Application.
Sir, I have looked for a job everywhere in vain, that’s why I have tried you. As in education, I failed to finish A level but I have an o level, and all that was due to financial problems. I have knowledge, trust and integrity and wish you employ me.
Jack
Dear Sir,
Application
I hereby write this application to your company. I am a Ugandan aged 21 and female by sex. I finished 3 levels of studies, that is to say, PLE, UCE and UACE from different schools as can be seen on attached copies next page.
Hoping for a good consideration.
Molly
As I type this shit, it’s 4.18 in the pm, and am chillin in Iguana, thank God they have no tv’s else I would be subjected to that torture known as Big Brother. But the laptop got a full metal scan at the entrance, the guy almost removed the typing keys, just to be sure it was a laptop! The shit we are going through!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Geezer Fever!!
If at all you don’t get blown up by religious fanatics, you will get to be 70 years old, or thereabouts. In Africa, that’s some heavy shit! The Republic of Georgia just announced a chick that turned 130 years old last week, making her the oldest person alive, meaning that our Minister Of Education isn’t doing that badly…..plus that aging chap in charge of Public Service. At 129 and 128 respectively, they still coo…
It was just amazing last week as I was masquerading at Game (after the silly askaris asked me to first empty my pockets, just in case I had an iBomb!) to buy an electronic and got to the counter where those chaps change the plug from the SA type to our regular ol’ colonial ones (why they don’t do this before shipping in the electronics still beats the oblongata!) and there was this old guy at the counter getting his stuff fixed (must have been a heart pace maker UPS thingy, who knows? Or maybe a lung filter to allow in only oxygen, old punk!!).
Anywho, after getting his electronics fixed, he asked for a coupon, and give it to him they did! He walked right back into the mall to buy more stuffs (probably inhalers this time)!I was in luck! I knew it! Those pocket searches were after all worth it! There are coupons for free stuff godamit!! If I had my Warid sim card, I would have been calling all those chaps I left at Gabs to come pick some free shit!
So I reach the counter, and present my lousy SA plug for a quick exchange, and while at it, pick up my coupon. I was now thinking, what is it I really need? A 6 pack of the large heineken cans was first on the list, way higher than silly bathing soap, who the hell needs to shower when there are pints, right? No? Ok 2 cans and 1 piece of Geisha! That soap is big as hell, will do for a month!
At the counter, the silly chick just gives me a ka paper to take to that guy across to have my plug fixed! I said “hey lady, whats the big idea!!!?”
She goes “how do you mean sir?”
“Looky here erm, Getrude…..”
“How do you know my name? Have we met?”
“Uh, its on your name tag right there!”
“Oh, that!”
“Yep, that…anywho, where’s my coupon bitch? I gots to get me some lager, in cans that is!!”
“Oh, that…you see, today is Senior Citizen’s day here at Game. We give back 10% of whatever amount an old person buys so he can buy whatever he wants, and you don’t look old to me!”
“Shit!!! Must have been that hair dye! Thanks anyway!”
So much for the pack of beers. If these Game bastards leave this country before we get old, am suing their discriminative asses. This is old man’s country. The geezers get to retire at 60 freakin’ years old, get to take our campus chicks, are not targeted by terrorists (Golf club wasn’t blown up) and now they get discounts??
Apart from not getting blown up, these are other advantages of being old;
1- Kidnapers are not interested in you.
2- People call at 10am and ask “did I wake you”
3- You have a party and the neighbours don’t realize it.
4- Your biggest arguments are about pension plans.
5- When you read children’s books, A is for Arthritis, B for Bad back and C is for Chest pains!
6- At least they saw Fredrick Lugard!
7- Kenny Rogers CD’s are now free everywhere!
8- You don’t give a shit about bombs “cutting short” your career!
9- You get a free ride on a wheel chair all day – cool shit!
10- You get to tell the people you hated – how much you hated them!
Disadvantages of being old;
1. All important names in the phone book are doctors…..personal physicians that is!
2. You use skin creams to replace fallen skin.
3. You have to remember 50 daily medications, and one of them is for memory.
4. You know u have reached “Revelations” – The end of days as it is….is upon yo wrinkled ass!
5. You get to wear pampers – or napkins depending on how rich you were – all over again!
Looks like the advantages win – shit, can’t wait!!
It was just amazing last week as I was masquerading at Game (after the silly askaris asked me to first empty my pockets, just in case I had an iBomb!) to buy an electronic and got to the counter where those chaps change the plug from the SA type to our regular ol’ colonial ones (why they don’t do this before shipping in the electronics still beats the oblongata!) and there was this old guy at the counter getting his stuff fixed (must have been a heart pace maker UPS thingy, who knows? Or maybe a lung filter to allow in only oxygen, old punk!!).
Anywho, after getting his electronics fixed, he asked for a coupon, and give it to him they did! He walked right back into the mall to buy more stuffs (probably inhalers this time)!I was in luck! I knew it! Those pocket searches were after all worth it! There are coupons for free stuff godamit!! If I had my Warid sim card, I would have been calling all those chaps I left at Gabs to come pick some free shit!
So I reach the counter, and present my lousy SA plug for a quick exchange, and while at it, pick up my coupon. I was now thinking, what is it I really need? A 6 pack of the large heineken cans was first on the list, way higher than silly bathing soap, who the hell needs to shower when there are pints, right? No? Ok 2 cans and 1 piece of Geisha! That soap is big as hell, will do for a month!
At the counter, the silly chick just gives me a ka paper to take to that guy across to have my plug fixed! I said “hey lady, whats the big idea!!!?”
She goes “how do you mean sir?”
“Looky here erm, Getrude…..”
“How do you know my name? Have we met?”
“Uh, its on your name tag right there!”
“Oh, that!”
“Yep, that…anywho, where’s my coupon bitch? I gots to get me some lager, in cans that is!!”
“Oh, that…you see, today is Senior Citizen’s day here at Game. We give back 10% of whatever amount an old person buys so he can buy whatever he wants, and you don’t look old to me!”
“Shit!!! Must have been that hair dye! Thanks anyway!”
So much for the pack of beers. If these Game bastards leave this country before we get old, am suing their discriminative asses. This is old man’s country. The geezers get to retire at 60 freakin’ years old, get to take our campus chicks, are not targeted by terrorists (Golf club wasn’t blown up) and now they get discounts??
Apart from not getting blown up, these are other advantages of being old;
1- Kidnapers are not interested in you.
2- People call at 10am and ask “did I wake you”
3- You have a party and the neighbours don’t realize it.
4- Your biggest arguments are about pension plans.
5- When you read children’s books, A is for Arthritis, B for Bad back and C is for Chest pains!
6- At least they saw Fredrick Lugard!
7- Kenny Rogers CD’s are now free everywhere!
8- You don’t give a shit about bombs “cutting short” your career!
9- You get a free ride on a wheel chair all day – cool shit!
10- You get to tell the people you hated – how much you hated them!
Disadvantages of being old;
1. All important names in the phone book are doctors…..personal physicians that is!
2. You use skin creams to replace fallen skin.
3. You have to remember 50 daily medications, and one of them is for memory.
4. You know u have reached “Revelations” – The end of days as it is….is upon yo wrinkled ass!
5. You get to wear pampers – or napkins depending on how rich you were – all over again!
Looks like the advantages win – shit, can’t wait!!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Post "bombing" life!!
Trauma: Noun (traumaus, traumata)
An emotional wound or shock often having long-lasting effects
The war on terror is right at our doorstep! Chick pedestrians are haharing like a probem at the Game store mall parking lot coz security guards are checking the insides of their bags! If this aint insanity then it has no other name. Most security operatives have been reporting “make up kits”, “used tampons” and oddly, “copies of keys to their boyfriend’s houses!” as the only “threats” they have recovered.
This is what we call trauma.
Yesterday, the police reported 15 cases of “bomb” sightings, which came in the form of abandoned polythene bags with toxic fumes emanating from the rotting banana peels found inside. The funny one came in the form of a report from the constitutional square where people gathered in a large crowd to see what was inside an abandoned sack that was just lying there. The police had to fire bullets in the air to disperse the crowds! Question is, why the hell would you gather around a bomb? Shouldn’t idiots be running away?
The police, who also seem to be enjoying the unlimited fuel they have been allocated, were happy to report that 6 bags with plumbing materials were recovered from the Naguru and Nsambya estates, containing some remains of used cement and sand! One of them even had a “used slipper”, probably forgotten by the plumber!
Another suspicious bag, which was reported by some bored residents who can’t get over the fact that there are toll free numbers, contained some suspicious looking irish potatoes and stale groundnuts that had been abandoned by the next door family, probably waiting for the garbage truck to come clear things up.
On a sad note though, an Eritrean chap was mob justiced to death yesterday on suspicion that he was the kinda guy Jack Bauer would never approve of. His close resemblance to Somalis was proof enough that this guy was a martyr looking for free virgins in his after life! Another suspected looking al-shabab member was almost lynched in the Wandegs supermarket yesterday. He was saved by some policemen patrolling nearby on their new boda b’s. Wigs with African looking hair aka kaweke are being sold to these chaps at very exaggerated fees so they look like one of us, but these are sold in classified places, as if whores!
A very beeming police patrol pickup commander was seen yesterday buying pizzas at Nandos just for the heck of it. After he was given unlimited access to dimes to drive around town in search of funny looking polythene bags, he said he has since stopped collecting “bullshit 20 thou bucks from idiots with expired driving permits and very worn out tyres”, he hopes for another bomb so he can finally send his kids to study in the UK!
These are the few that have benefited from these blasts……see in life, there’s always a winner in everything, however horrible!
As you can clearly see there’s nothing else on our minds these days but the shift in the way of life. We are now like those silly Americans who keep sayin “ever since 9-11, we started doing this and that ….” And now shit is that way here too.
But before this shift in ideology, there was the story of the kidnapped kid. These days the vans that transport the little lumpens to kindergarten and back are licensed like a forex bureau, 330 pages of signatures and stuff. Some parents sit in their cars outside Daffodils from 8am to 1pm so no one steals their pamper shitting toddlers! House maids have been finger printed and taken through all the rigorous interviews of suicide bombers, and then now, this al shabab crap! We are now living in the “fear ages”!
A taxi tout made some chap show the contents of his laptop bag, “coz he found it sos-pi-shos”, as a Nigerian punk would put it. At least the elections fever has been given a back seat. Ad rather argue about bombs….or their lack of!
An emotional wound or shock often having long-lasting effects
The war on terror is right at our doorstep! Chick pedestrians are haharing like a probem at the Game store mall parking lot coz security guards are checking the insides of their bags! If this aint insanity then it has no other name. Most security operatives have been reporting “make up kits”, “used tampons” and oddly, “copies of keys to their boyfriend’s houses!” as the only “threats” they have recovered.
This is what we call trauma.
Yesterday, the police reported 15 cases of “bomb” sightings, which came in the form of abandoned polythene bags with toxic fumes emanating from the rotting banana peels found inside. The funny one came in the form of a report from the constitutional square where people gathered in a large crowd to see what was inside an abandoned sack that was just lying there. The police had to fire bullets in the air to disperse the crowds! Question is, why the hell would you gather around a bomb? Shouldn’t idiots be running away?
The police, who also seem to be enjoying the unlimited fuel they have been allocated, were happy to report that 6 bags with plumbing materials were recovered from the Naguru and Nsambya estates, containing some remains of used cement and sand! One of them even had a “used slipper”, probably forgotten by the plumber!
Another suspicious bag, which was reported by some bored residents who can’t get over the fact that there are toll free numbers, contained some suspicious looking irish potatoes and stale groundnuts that had been abandoned by the next door family, probably waiting for the garbage truck to come clear things up.
On a sad note though, an Eritrean chap was mob justiced to death yesterday on suspicion that he was the kinda guy Jack Bauer would never approve of. His close resemblance to Somalis was proof enough that this guy was a martyr looking for free virgins in his after life! Another suspected looking al-shabab member was almost lynched in the Wandegs supermarket yesterday. He was saved by some policemen patrolling nearby on their new boda b’s. Wigs with African looking hair aka kaweke are being sold to these chaps at very exaggerated fees so they look like one of us, but these are sold in classified places, as if whores!
A very beeming police patrol pickup commander was seen yesterday buying pizzas at Nandos just for the heck of it. After he was given unlimited access to dimes to drive around town in search of funny looking polythene bags, he said he has since stopped collecting “bullshit 20 thou bucks from idiots with expired driving permits and very worn out tyres”, he hopes for another bomb so he can finally send his kids to study in the UK!
These are the few that have benefited from these blasts……see in life, there’s always a winner in everything, however horrible!
As you can clearly see there’s nothing else on our minds these days but the shift in the way of life. We are now like those silly Americans who keep sayin “ever since 9-11, we started doing this and that ….” And now shit is that way here too.
But before this shift in ideology, there was the story of the kidnapped kid. These days the vans that transport the little lumpens to kindergarten and back are licensed like a forex bureau, 330 pages of signatures and stuff. Some parents sit in their cars outside Daffodils from 8am to 1pm so no one steals their pamper shitting toddlers! House maids have been finger printed and taken through all the rigorous interviews of suicide bombers, and then now, this al shabab crap! We are now living in the “fear ages”!
A taxi tout made some chap show the contents of his laptop bag, “coz he found it sos-pi-shos”, as a Nigerian punk would put it. At least the elections fever has been given a back seat. Ad rather argue about bombs….or their lack of!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The silly "al-kebab" martyrs!!
This life is just too silly! When u get slightly rich, u get in trouble, people look for you to blow you up to smithereens! If we were a bullshit country like “Guinea Bissau”, who the hell would waste grenades on our broke asses? Now we have dimes, we are sending soldiers to go fight other people’s wars!
Religion is a major factor in all this crap! Why can’t they just ban religion? The chaps that blew themselves up at Kyadondo were soon after “praised” by their bosses at “al-kebab” for their role in “bringing pain to the infidel Government of the enemy Uganda and it’s Christian peoples”, the so called martyrs are probably right now spotting for the best looking virgins in “heaven” as we type! Why not pray that you get re-incarnated as Mswati, if your freakin goal in life is end up with 70 virgins??
The dastardly “martyrs” have now turned Kampala into a city gripped with fear! Getting into a shopping mall has turned to a disaster, as security bastards that have previously been sleeping at their jobs are over zealously checking car boots and the insides of spare tyres tucked deep in the boot, “just to be sure it’s not laced with C4!”
Getting into Garden City is now a 25 minute nightmare as the jam now starts all the way from the Golf Course hotel as these Security squirrels turn cars upside down in search for that elusive detonator that they now suspect everyone to be carrying around!
Even Nakumatt, whose number of cars in the parking lot can be counted on a single palm of a hand, are subjecting customers to these searches. Maybe we all look like Somali terrorists from “al-kebab”, what gives?
Now the “al kebab” punks get what they want. First they kill us, then live us in a permanent state of fear! I will personally drink more, and in the most crowded areas, I was thinking Nakivubo stadium and it’s environs, and hope these bastards dare come with a bomb!
The police have apparently ordered all bars to have a “security policy” in place or risk being shut down. This adds to the “URA registration certificate”, “KCC Licence”, “Company registration certificate”, “VAT Certificate”, “Health inspection certificate”, “Kagu’s portrait”, “Bar owner’s favorite football team frame”……the list of shit to put up on bar walls just gets bigger!
Petrol stations are going to be opening up car boots as motorists await to fill up, just in case these infidel bastards that can’t wait to lay their hands on 70 virgins decide to blow up the whole city by lighting up a station. Queues to get gas will be as long as those days when Raila’s boys were pangaring Kibaki’s chaps and we had no fuel for a fortnight, kumbe this time round it's……”security measures m’aam”.
So now that the internet is finally back on (some punks blamed it on al-kebab cyber extremists) , we hope to be on line more often!
Aza zan zat, am off to Kyadondo for a pint, hope it’s been re-opened!
Religion is a major factor in all this crap! Why can’t they just ban religion? The chaps that blew themselves up at Kyadondo were soon after “praised” by their bosses at “al-kebab” for their role in “bringing pain to the infidel Government of the enemy Uganda and it’s Christian peoples”, the so called martyrs are probably right now spotting for the best looking virgins in “heaven” as we type! Why not pray that you get re-incarnated as Mswati, if your freakin goal in life is end up with 70 virgins??
The dastardly “martyrs” have now turned Kampala into a city gripped with fear! Getting into a shopping mall has turned to a disaster, as security bastards that have previously been sleeping at their jobs are over zealously checking car boots and the insides of spare tyres tucked deep in the boot, “just to be sure it’s not laced with C4!”
Getting into Garden City is now a 25 minute nightmare as the jam now starts all the way from the Golf Course hotel as these Security squirrels turn cars upside down in search for that elusive detonator that they now suspect everyone to be carrying around!
Even Nakumatt, whose number of cars in the parking lot can be counted on a single palm of a hand, are subjecting customers to these searches. Maybe we all look like Somali terrorists from “al-kebab”, what gives?
Now the “al kebab” punks get what they want. First they kill us, then live us in a permanent state of fear! I will personally drink more, and in the most crowded areas, I was thinking Nakivubo stadium and it’s environs, and hope these bastards dare come with a bomb!
The police have apparently ordered all bars to have a “security policy” in place or risk being shut down. This adds to the “URA registration certificate”, “KCC Licence”, “Company registration certificate”, “VAT Certificate”, “Health inspection certificate”, “Kagu’s portrait”, “Bar owner’s favorite football team frame”……the list of shit to put up on bar walls just gets bigger!
Petrol stations are going to be opening up car boots as motorists await to fill up, just in case these infidel bastards that can’t wait to lay their hands on 70 virgins decide to blow up the whole city by lighting up a station. Queues to get gas will be as long as those days when Raila’s boys were pangaring Kibaki’s chaps and we had no fuel for a fortnight, kumbe this time round it's……”security measures m’aam”.
So now that the internet is finally back on (some punks blamed it on al-kebab cyber extremists) , we hope to be on line more often!
Aza zan zat, am off to Kyadondo for a pint, hope it’s been re-opened!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Syndromes!!
Watching Nat Geo Wild on cable (the hardest channel on tv), there was this program about diseases that move from animals to humans (but looking at rioters and members of the opposition, we are all animals).
There was this disease named “Cat Lady Syndrome”, which affects mainly lonely chicks that find solace in cats. These basket cases that love to call men “dogs” have some virus passed on to their “single and not searching” asses through the cats they be cuddling, rendering them slow in thought, among other things. The virus makes the chick attracted to cats in a way that her food budget has “cat food” at the top of the list. Such chicks can be found at Shoprite at the “animal feeds” section!
Cat Ladies, as they have come to be known, are so slow in thought that we believe Angela Katatumba is suffering from this shit!! This bitch, also known as a “popular artist – but without a song we know”, went and made herself up (with major assistance from the cosmetic director) in such a way that she looked like she had been attacked by acid. Her eyes were green, and she was making a video for yet another song that we won’t hear, known as “let’s go green”, coz she has been named “British Council International Ambassador for climate change”. What the hell does this mean? Maybe she issues visas to clouds and stuff! Cat lady bitch!!
Some other people have also been discovered to have weird syndromes, which seem to be getting larger in number (according to Discovery: My shocking story);
Alien hand syndrome: This bizarre neurological illness affects thousands of people, none of whom live in Ug, coz never to see these punks. It is caused by damage to certain parts of the brain, and causes one of a person’s hands to act independently of the other and of its owner’s wishes. For example, the misbehaving hand may do the opposite of what the normal one is doing: if a person is trying to button a shirt with one hand, the other will follow along and undo the buttons. If one hand pulls up trousers, the other will pull them down. Sometimes the hand may become aggressive – pinching, slapping, or punching the patient. In at least one case, it tried to strangle its owner. In this case, if these punks were down here, one hand would vote for NRM and the other for FDC! Talk about “spoilt for choice!”
Electric people syndrome: According to some British paranormalist bugger, some people are ‘upright human [electric] eels, capable of generating charges strong enough to knock out streetlights and electronic equipment.” These buggers would never suffer from load shedding crap, they would just light up the place by touching a couple of metals here and there!
Foreign accent syndrome: There are about 50 recorded cases of Foreign Accent Syndrome, in which people who have suffered strokes or other injuries adopt a new accent. For example, an indian can suffer a stroke and then began speaking with an English accent. She may even adopt such Anglicisms as ‘bloody’ and ‘loo’ and "aw u doin mate'. Perhaps the oddest case concerned a Norwegian woman who had fallen into a coma after being hit by shrapnel during an air raid in 1941. When she woke up, she spoke with a thick German accent. She was then ostracised by her neighbours. This only means that Fat Boy and Seanice were once in a coma!
And now, other lesser known syndromes:
Uncombable hair syndrome: Yep, I do got that!
I want to be seen syndrome – Bebe Fool and wife!
I have more dimes than you syndrome – Mike Mukula!
I am too ballistic syndrome – MTN employees!
My father can beat your father syndrome – Budo chaps!
There was this disease named “Cat Lady Syndrome”, which affects mainly lonely chicks that find solace in cats. These basket cases that love to call men “dogs” have some virus passed on to their “single and not searching” asses through the cats they be cuddling, rendering them slow in thought, among other things. The virus makes the chick attracted to cats in a way that her food budget has “cat food” at the top of the list. Such chicks can be found at Shoprite at the “animal feeds” section!
Cat Ladies, as they have come to be known, are so slow in thought that we believe Angela Katatumba is suffering from this shit!! This bitch, also known as a “popular artist – but without a song we know”, went and made herself up (with major assistance from the cosmetic director) in such a way that she looked like she had been attacked by acid. Her eyes were green, and she was making a video for yet another song that we won’t hear, known as “let’s go green”, coz she has been named “British Council International Ambassador for climate change”. What the hell does this mean? Maybe she issues visas to clouds and stuff! Cat lady bitch!!
Some other people have also been discovered to have weird syndromes, which seem to be getting larger in number (according to Discovery: My shocking story);
Alien hand syndrome: This bizarre neurological illness affects thousands of people, none of whom live in Ug, coz never to see these punks. It is caused by damage to certain parts of the brain, and causes one of a person’s hands to act independently of the other and of its owner’s wishes. For example, the misbehaving hand may do the opposite of what the normal one is doing: if a person is trying to button a shirt with one hand, the other will follow along and undo the buttons. If one hand pulls up trousers, the other will pull them down. Sometimes the hand may become aggressive – pinching, slapping, or punching the patient. In at least one case, it tried to strangle its owner. In this case, if these punks were down here, one hand would vote for NRM and the other for FDC! Talk about “spoilt for choice!”
Electric people syndrome: According to some British paranormalist bugger, some people are ‘upright human [electric] eels, capable of generating charges strong enough to knock out streetlights and electronic equipment.” These buggers would never suffer from load shedding crap, they would just light up the place by touching a couple of metals here and there!
Foreign accent syndrome: There are about 50 recorded cases of Foreign Accent Syndrome, in which people who have suffered strokes or other injuries adopt a new accent. For example, an indian can suffer a stroke and then began speaking with an English accent. She may even adopt such Anglicisms as ‘bloody’ and ‘loo’ and "aw u doin mate'. Perhaps the oddest case concerned a Norwegian woman who had fallen into a coma after being hit by shrapnel during an air raid in 1941. When she woke up, she spoke with a thick German accent. She was then ostracised by her neighbours. This only means that Fat Boy and Seanice were once in a coma!
And now, other lesser known syndromes:
Uncombable hair syndrome: Yep, I do got that!
I want to be seen syndrome – Bebe Fool and wife!
I have more dimes than you syndrome – Mike Mukula!
I am too ballistic syndrome – MTN employees!
My father can beat your father syndrome – Budo chaps!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)