“Minorities!!”, that’s the magic word these days. It’s getting hard for people to be white, it seems nature is finally giving them what they deserve (those colonialist bastards!). A black man right now in the UK or the US has a chance to get away with a lot of shit, he just has to say “you’re firing me coz am black!!” and that’s it, thousands of apologies will flow in and the job re-instated, with a ka higher perk.
Women like Beti Kamya will slip in a ka “men have failed to rule this country, it’s our turn, vote for me…” just because women are treated as minorities, giving them 1.5 extra points to get government scholarships and all!
But the guys that are taking this minority shit to another level are the jews! Any shit you say bad about these guys even has a name, “anti-Semitism”. These guys are so pissed off with Christians for hijacking the 25th of December and proclaiming “Merry Christmas” to all that care, they don’t want that shit anymore!
They still believe that Jesus hasn’t even been born yet, and so first they first spread around “Merry X-mas” as an alternative but this shit didn’t really work coz X is for Christ, in Greek, or Chi, in their spelling. So Malcom would be Malcom-Christ, if he was in Greece!
To totally erase any connection with the Christ on this ballistic day (no seeing the boss), they proposed, and efficiently implemented, “Happy Holidays!!” Nowadays kids don’t even know what the heck they be receiving gifts for! They just know that some big bearded (and still mostly white) man “drops” gifts through their chimneys, at least that’s what they think till they reach their Bugolobi flat and start trying to figure out “what the heck a chimney is?”, who has that shit in their homes??!!
The chaps in Ivory Coast are not having “Happy Holidays” however, they are not the first, Kenyans didn’t have it happy after those damned elections of 07 either. The Ivorian loser/winner, a one Outtara called the French Prez to wish him “happy holidays” and as a polite goodbye, he tagged on a ka special request, “boss, can u ground Gbagbo’s private jet, it’s busy there putting fuel and ferrying his family for the “holidays”. The French Pres was like “Yes Sir, anything you want Mister President who is not sworn in, but still, a President!”
Gbagbo, the man whose name hates associating with vowels, has since made more empty threats to throw out the French bastards, oh if only he were a minority of sorts!
The Palestinians are having a totally hard time reclaiming their lost lands to Israel coz they are Arabs in a huge Arabian land. The minority Jews / Israelis have the back up of the guys that matter (friends of Wiki Leaks) and are killing chaps like grasshoppers on a stray November night on a Masaka street! If only the Palestinians had that magic “minority” voice!
Being a minority has it’s downsides too. A chick can be raped and can’t revenge rape back, its just sad!
A tribe can be wiped out (or try to be wiped out) coz they don’t have the numbers to defend they’ selves!
A black man in Russia can be skinned alive, just becoz he looks that way, and has no backup.
That Jesus boy had better show up before His message evaporates in the fumes of discarded “Holiday” gifts!
Happy Holidays y’all!!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Coffee anyone??
Coffee hangouts are springing up faster than barbershops slash video libraries these days! Ugandans are such a predictable bunch, or rather, investors in Uganda are such a predictable bunch, what with most being Chinese or Indian “foreign investors” and all!
First we were hit by “takeaways” in the 90’s, everyone’s auntie had one, so we were spoilt for choice on where to get that free “chips and sausage”. Then video libraries crept in and garages were turned to libraries with a large poster of “Titanic” hanging on it’s door to inform the public of the amazing stuff going on in there. These later turned into salons after street hawkers “took the video service closer to the people” unlike what bullshit politicians promise to do and don’t deliver.
But now, coffee is the shit, and it’s not cheap!
After Ban Café’s success (and many corporate dates that turned to marriages later), Café Pap crept in and became the poser’s lounging club. The City Oil guys decided to open a similar stuff, “Javas” at their gas station, but went an entire notch higher when they opened a ballistic one at the Nakumatt building.
Corporate posers were extremely thrilled with this innovation, and if any of them owes u dimes, just take a stroll there, they will definitely be there. Ban café not to be outdone, has also opened a similar café at the very same building, adjacent to Javas, so if you don’t find your debtor at one of them, cross to the other, they shall be posing from there.
I happened to look for one of these debtors at these places but the experience taught me exactly why I shouldn’t hang at cafes, damn this shit is rocket science, no wonder only corporate chaps with their training in Dubai and Pretoria fit in.
On entering these places, u will notice that the entire wall is a menu, and they have their own lingo, much like learning “programming” in IT or “financial analysis” in business. You know exactly what something is, but these punks just want to complicate matters. When u go to a bank for example and want to make a deposit, the silly teller will tell u to fill in a “CTV”. This statement will leave u more confused than the IPC figuring out who their mayoral candidate really is!
On inquiry, the ka teller will tell you “CTV” is not a camera thingy, but a “Customer Transaction Voucher”, which we ordinary mortals call a “deposit slip”. Why the hell didn’t you just say that in the first place?? Wasting my time! Oh I get it, u have to pay for that training don’t ya? Show us u know shit! Its just a deposit slip bitch!! And it only asks for account number, name and amounts in the various denominations to fill in! Didn’t know I knew “denominations” now did ya??
Anywho, these café buggers behave just like teller number 1 above, maybe they want to justify their huge prices, but u don’t just walk into a café mbu u have dimes, u must know the lingo!
For example, they have some stuff called Espresso. No Maggie, this doesn’t mean coffee that is brewed extra fast. That only stops at the dry cleaners where u pay more dimes for “express-o” wash and dry. Espresso means coffee powder brewed under very extreme pressure, and its super strong, to addictive levels.
The con doesn’t stop there, they will ask if u want the espresso as latte. Latte is the coffee plus milk. Wonder why the punks didn’t just ask “do u want milk or plain coffee?” but no, u gotta sound as expensive as that bill is going to be – shortly!
The barista will then ask you…….oh sorry, forgot to mention that. The guy that comes to take your order, complete with a pen and writing pad (to look extra coolest) is called a barista. For calling him a “waiter” or “garcon” will simply increase your bill! Anywho, the “barista” will ask whether u want it as “frappucino”, another word that ends with “o”, looks like the nigerians are in charge of this one. Apparently that means “cold coffee”, as if the bastards just couldnt say that!
“well-o, if u don’t mind-o, al have latte frappucino, I have de money-o, kinekee-oo”
A sip of this shit will hit u with a high that’s 100 times better than weed, so I have been told! Never to know this weed stuff! Addicts to this shit are rich guys or corporate chaps with “entertainment” loans, be careful not to fall for this shit!
And as I end this, here comes that punk with my dimes, logging off…..
First we were hit by “takeaways” in the 90’s, everyone’s auntie had one, so we were spoilt for choice on where to get that free “chips and sausage”. Then video libraries crept in and garages were turned to libraries with a large poster of “Titanic” hanging on it’s door to inform the public of the amazing stuff going on in there. These later turned into salons after street hawkers “took the video service closer to the people” unlike what bullshit politicians promise to do and don’t deliver.
But now, coffee is the shit, and it’s not cheap!
After Ban Café’s success (and many corporate dates that turned to marriages later), Café Pap crept in and became the poser’s lounging club. The City Oil guys decided to open a similar stuff, “Javas” at their gas station, but went an entire notch higher when they opened a ballistic one at the Nakumatt building.
Corporate posers were extremely thrilled with this innovation, and if any of them owes u dimes, just take a stroll there, they will definitely be there. Ban café not to be outdone, has also opened a similar café at the very same building, adjacent to Javas, so if you don’t find your debtor at one of them, cross to the other, they shall be posing from there.
I happened to look for one of these debtors at these places but the experience taught me exactly why I shouldn’t hang at cafes, damn this shit is rocket science, no wonder only corporate chaps with their training in Dubai and Pretoria fit in.
On entering these places, u will notice that the entire wall is a menu, and they have their own lingo, much like learning “programming” in IT or “financial analysis” in business. You know exactly what something is, but these punks just want to complicate matters. When u go to a bank for example and want to make a deposit, the silly teller will tell u to fill in a “CTV”. This statement will leave u more confused than the IPC figuring out who their mayoral candidate really is!
On inquiry, the ka teller will tell you “CTV” is not a camera thingy, but a “Customer Transaction Voucher”, which we ordinary mortals call a “deposit slip”. Why the hell didn’t you just say that in the first place?? Wasting my time! Oh I get it, u have to pay for that training don’t ya? Show us u know shit! Its just a deposit slip bitch!! And it only asks for account number, name and amounts in the various denominations to fill in! Didn’t know I knew “denominations” now did ya??
Anywho, these café buggers behave just like teller number 1 above, maybe they want to justify their huge prices, but u don’t just walk into a café mbu u have dimes, u must know the lingo!
For example, they have some stuff called Espresso. No Maggie, this doesn’t mean coffee that is brewed extra fast. That only stops at the dry cleaners where u pay more dimes for “express-o” wash and dry. Espresso means coffee powder brewed under very extreme pressure, and its super strong, to addictive levels.
The con doesn’t stop there, they will ask if u want the espresso as latte. Latte is the coffee plus milk. Wonder why the punks didn’t just ask “do u want milk or plain coffee?” but no, u gotta sound as expensive as that bill is going to be – shortly!
The barista will then ask you…….oh sorry, forgot to mention that. The guy that comes to take your order, complete with a pen and writing pad (to look extra coolest) is called a barista. For calling him a “waiter” or “garcon” will simply increase your bill! Anywho, the “barista” will ask whether u want it as “frappucino”, another word that ends with “o”, looks like the nigerians are in charge of this one. Apparently that means “cold coffee”, as if the bastards just couldnt say that!
“well-o, if u don’t mind-o, al have latte frappucino, I have de money-o, kinekee-oo”
A sip of this shit will hit u with a high that’s 100 times better than weed, so I have been told! Never to know this weed stuff! Addicts to this shit are rich guys or corporate chaps with “entertainment” loans, be careful not to fall for this shit!
And as I end this, here comes that punk with my dimes, logging off…..
Thursday, December 16, 2010
The International Circus Court!!
Louise Mourihno Ocampo has been the busiest African tormentor for like the last 5 years! The ICC, a court set up by some white chaps to disturb some black chaps (and some extremely broke eastern Europeans from countries that end with ….”ia”, Yugoslavia, Latvia, Georgia, Serbia…) is at it again. This guy is held in equal esteem as the WikLeaks founder Julian Assange, one wonders whether he is a hero or a zero, I also can’t tell!
On the one hand, his actions will dissuade and strongly discourage the impunity of these so called African “un-touchables” that have been roaming our plains since independence, the corrupt buggers that ride in gas guzzlers from our bu little dimes! They un-fortunately still believe they are chiefs like those guys in Nigerian movies, "i wont my moni...kineke-oooo"
On the other, it will piss us black power advocates that believe we can whip these corrupt individuals to some sensible reality without necessary running to “white daddy” to “report on them”! "hey u, minister of whatever, surrender that VX or your epitaph will read "whacked by natural causes, he surely and dearly won't be missed!"
Let’s see Mr Ocampo’s list of guests;
Pierre Bemba – DRC mullah de la mullah and an almost winner of rebellion – promoted to Exec PM to stop war, then immediately reported to Ocampo.
Charles Taylor – Conqueror of Naomi Campbell and chief inspirer of the movie “Blood Diamonds”. Tricked by Nigeria to flee to Cameron, disguised as a housegirl in a car boot, then reported to Ocampo who arretsed him like an immigrant running to Spain!
Joseph Kony – Limb mutilator and head of the LRA, Lucifer’s Rag-tag Army, under protection from the next guy.
Omar Bashir – Director of “The killing fields of Darfur” and sitting Prez of Sudan United before the Jan referendum.
Thomas Lubanga – Accused rapist and as if freedom fighter of Eastern DRC. Never heard of 'im
Uhuru Kenyatta – Not on trial, but has been named. Can I have “brookside dairies” if you lose the case? Please?
William Ruto – Of the maize scandal, and now of the violence scandal. There'd better be corn flakes at the hague!
These silly ICC clowns! First off, the head of the Kenyan electoral commission who had no clue on how to do his job independently should have been suspect numero uno! The Prez that swore himself in before allowing for court petitions, or even inviting neighbor Prezzos to attend, should answer a question or two. The guys that broke the railway and stopped the trains that bring in tusker malt to UBL and caused us untold soberness for 2 weeks, where are they? This is real ICC material!
Lakini on a polite note, the chaps that signed up African states to this ICC circus should be put on a suspects list and sent to trial. Even after all this bullshit of the war mongering Bemba and Charles Taylor, our brothers in the Ivory Coast are doing the exact same shit they should be fearing to do lest they go on trial too! So what’s the purpose? The US signed up for this ICC crap, then removed their signature 2 weeks after George Bush was sworn in, then he went on to wreck mayhem in the entire world, and instead of trying that little nut, they’ll settle for Uhuru, a guy that gave Ministers VW Passats to save dimes, no wonder they “reported on him”.
As for the impending violence next year (after a certain presidential candidate announces his own version of results, as threatened – and which immature bugger does that, like they can pronounce their opponent the winner), we shall also wait for a list of suspects a year or 2 after the repercussions – like that will reverse any damage!!
Let’s hope for the best!
On the one hand, his actions will dissuade and strongly discourage the impunity of these so called African “un-touchables” that have been roaming our plains since independence, the corrupt buggers that ride in gas guzzlers from our bu little dimes! They un-fortunately still believe they are chiefs like those guys in Nigerian movies, "i wont my moni...kineke-oooo"
On the other, it will piss us black power advocates that believe we can whip these corrupt individuals to some sensible reality without necessary running to “white daddy” to “report on them”! "hey u, minister of whatever, surrender that VX or your epitaph will read "whacked by natural causes, he surely and dearly won't be missed!"
Let’s see Mr Ocampo’s list of guests;
Pierre Bemba – DRC mullah de la mullah and an almost winner of rebellion – promoted to Exec PM to stop war, then immediately reported to Ocampo.
Charles Taylor – Conqueror of Naomi Campbell and chief inspirer of the movie “Blood Diamonds”. Tricked by Nigeria to flee to Cameron, disguised as a housegirl in a car boot, then reported to Ocampo who arretsed him like an immigrant running to Spain!
Joseph Kony – Limb mutilator and head of the LRA, Lucifer’s Rag-tag Army, under protection from the next guy.
Omar Bashir – Director of “The killing fields of Darfur” and sitting Prez of Sudan United before the Jan referendum.
Thomas Lubanga – Accused rapist and as if freedom fighter of Eastern DRC. Never heard of 'im
Uhuru Kenyatta – Not on trial, but has been named. Can I have “brookside dairies” if you lose the case? Please?
William Ruto – Of the maize scandal, and now of the violence scandal. There'd better be corn flakes at the hague!
These silly ICC clowns! First off, the head of the Kenyan electoral commission who had no clue on how to do his job independently should have been suspect numero uno! The Prez that swore himself in before allowing for court petitions, or even inviting neighbor Prezzos to attend, should answer a question or two. The guys that broke the railway and stopped the trains that bring in tusker malt to UBL and caused us untold soberness for 2 weeks, where are they? This is real ICC material!
Lakini on a polite note, the chaps that signed up African states to this ICC circus should be put on a suspects list and sent to trial. Even after all this bullshit of the war mongering Bemba and Charles Taylor, our brothers in the Ivory Coast are doing the exact same shit they should be fearing to do lest they go on trial too! So what’s the purpose? The US signed up for this ICC crap, then removed their signature 2 weeks after George Bush was sworn in, then he went on to wreck mayhem in the entire world, and instead of trying that little nut, they’ll settle for Uhuru, a guy that gave Ministers VW Passats to save dimes, no wonder they “reported on him”.
As for the impending violence next year (after a certain presidential candidate announces his own version of results, as threatened – and which immature bugger does that, like they can pronounce their opponent the winner), we shall also wait for a list of suspects a year or 2 after the repercussions – like that will reverse any damage!!
Let’s hope for the best!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Mis-inspirational quotes!!
As the year comes to a close (and we get into the hippy ten’s), several chaps are going to lie to themselves that they are going to make resolutions, which shall inevitably be broken 2 weeks into the new year, yet another lie! Inspirational buggers like the author of many books which talk about many other books, a one Musolini, shall be racking up dimes as they speak at corporate farewell bashes for all ye employees at the end of year retreat.
If I had this bugger’s job, I would go in there just to mess things up. After reminding you that dimes are not so important (except when it’s time to pay rent), I would unleash a powerpoint slide with the most mis-inspirational quotes to guide you into the new year, and al share them in a jiff, see that’s shorter than a jifyy! Here goes:
“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when it shines, and wants it back the minute it begins to rain” – Mark Twain.
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing” – Emo Phillips
“A hard man is good to find” – Mae West
“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished! – Zsa Gabor
“A man in the house is worth two in the street!” – Mae West
“A man is only as old as the woman he feels.” – Graucho Max
“A woman drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her” – W C Fields
“Behind every successful man – is a huge bank account!” – Anonymous
“Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days the statue!” – Dilbert
“All things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening” – Alex Woolcott
“Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed” – Winston Churchill
“Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
“Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.” – Anonymous
“Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies” – Oliver Goldsmith
“Women are absolutely equal, they just can’t quite lift as much.” – Lee Roth
“The road to success is always under construction” – Anonymous
“Dancing – the vertical expression of a horizontal desire” – Bernard Shaw
“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes” – Oscar Wilde
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – JFK
“Giving up smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times” – Anonymous
“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot. But let not that fool ya, he really is an idiot!” – Max
“He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches” – Bernard Shaw
“I drink, therefore I am” – WC Fields
“I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting” – Mark Twain
“I love animals, they are tasty” – Anonymous
“I love being married. Its so great to find that 1 special person u want to annoy the rest of yo life” – Rudner
“I never drink water, fish fuck in it” – WC Fields
“If at first u don’t succeed, try try again, then give up. There’s no sense being a damned fool about it” – WC Fields
“If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.” – Brent
“I’ve had a perfectly good evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Max
“Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rudner
“Never take life too seriously. No one ever gets out alive anyway!” – Anonymous
And that’s it!
If I had this bugger’s job, I would go in there just to mess things up. After reminding you that dimes are not so important (except when it’s time to pay rent), I would unleash a powerpoint slide with the most mis-inspirational quotes to guide you into the new year, and al share them in a jiff, see that’s shorter than a jifyy! Here goes:
“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when it shines, and wants it back the minute it begins to rain” – Mark Twain.
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing” – Emo Phillips
“A hard man is good to find” – Mae West
“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished! – Zsa Gabor
“A man in the house is worth two in the street!” – Mae West
“A man is only as old as the woman he feels.” – Graucho Max
“A woman drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her” – W C Fields
“Behind every successful man – is a huge bank account!” – Anonymous
“Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days the statue!” – Dilbert
“All things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening” – Alex Woolcott
“Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed” – Winston Churchill
“Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
“Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.” – Anonymous
“Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies” – Oliver Goldsmith
“Women are absolutely equal, they just can’t quite lift as much.” – Lee Roth
“The road to success is always under construction” – Anonymous
“Dancing – the vertical expression of a horizontal desire” – Bernard Shaw
“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes” – Oscar Wilde
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – JFK
“Giving up smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times” – Anonymous
“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot. But let not that fool ya, he really is an idiot!” – Max
“He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches” – Bernard Shaw
“I drink, therefore I am” – WC Fields
“I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting” – Mark Twain
“I love animals, they are tasty” – Anonymous
“I love being married. Its so great to find that 1 special person u want to annoy the rest of yo life” – Rudner
“I never drink water, fish fuck in it” – WC Fields
“If at first u don’t succeed, try try again, then give up. There’s no sense being a damned fool about it” – WC Fields
“If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.” – Brent
“I’ve had a perfectly good evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Max
“Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rudner
“Never take life too seriously. No one ever gets out alive anyway!” – Anonymous
And that’s it!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The new Christmas!!
It’s upon us again, that dreaded Christmas and it’s feliz navidad crap! Sales managers at Uchumi and Nakumatt have never been happier, they are going to hit their monthly sales targets by the 15thDecember, thanks to their over-advertising (cramming entrances with red balloons)!
You would be forgiven to think that these punks are the staunchest Christians ye ever met….i mean how happy can you be that Jesus is going to be born - - yet again? These buggers don’t want to hear jingle bells, all they care about is the ringing ka-ching sound coming out of their cash registers every time yet another Christmas tree has been yanked off it’s shelf!
Just like their cousins at Hallmark that make a killing during Valentine’s (and father’s day, mother’s day, first born girl’s day….), supermarkets have hijacked the Christmas tradition from the Vatican, who have spent the most of the past 6 or so years defending their foot soldiers from boy-child molestation cases (just let the guys marry!) and letting their prized asset go to the capitalists.
According to the Shoprites and Nakumatts of this world, Jesus Christ was born in a ballistic baby cot that came with an automatically fitted mosquito net that is discounted by 10% every time you purchase around 3 of them – so do that! He was surrounded by an array of balloons and party poppers that can easily be found on Isle 13, “party section”, purchase some preasee…sench u very many!
His visitors took him cards, “Congratulations on getting a first born boy” which can be picked from an array of designs found at “Stationary Section”, 2 lefts from the "vegetable section", so pick one godamit! And don’t you dare forget that he was showered with gifts that can be found at the back counters…erm, that is at the till where the cashier sits, and some of them look like chocolates and shit…do it!
Before you leave our store, no, this is not a shop you villager you, it’s a store bitch, but did you also know that on the 25th December, pilgrims, that’s you, engaged in a sport known as “shop till you drop?” Our assistants will gladly take you to our toy section where you shall buy whatever it is that the kids asked Santa to bring them this Christmas. Wrapping is free! Little bicycles that the kid will ride at age 2 and all the way to age 2 and a quarter are available, they come with a half-quarter year warranty, do this for Christmas, no, not Christ, but Christmas.
At the end of the shopping, you shall be availed with a “members only” card that entitles you to a discount every time you purchase from our store, that’s right, STORE! A 10% discount from all sections on the ground floor and 20% on the first floor. Easter purchases will guarantee you a 30% discount, yes, we love Jesus that much!
As for the profits, we shall just open another branch in the fast growing suburbs, we were thinking Ntinda or Namanve. The church shall take care of itself, they are not taxed anyways. We would however love to relay our great appreciation to them for boosting our sales at this time when we really need to expand and stuff, thank you church people!
And thank you dear client, for shopping with our store, that’s right, our STORE!!
You would be forgiven to think that these punks are the staunchest Christians ye ever met….i mean how happy can you be that Jesus is going to be born - - yet again? These buggers don’t want to hear jingle bells, all they care about is the ringing ka-ching sound coming out of their cash registers every time yet another Christmas tree has been yanked off it’s shelf!
Just like their cousins at Hallmark that make a killing during Valentine’s (and father’s day, mother’s day, first born girl’s day….), supermarkets have hijacked the Christmas tradition from the Vatican, who have spent the most of the past 6 or so years defending their foot soldiers from boy-child molestation cases (just let the guys marry!) and letting their prized asset go to the capitalists.
According to the Shoprites and Nakumatts of this world, Jesus Christ was born in a ballistic baby cot that came with an automatically fitted mosquito net that is discounted by 10% every time you purchase around 3 of them – so do that! He was surrounded by an array of balloons and party poppers that can easily be found on Isle 13, “party section”, purchase some preasee…sench u very many!
His visitors took him cards, “Congratulations on getting a first born boy” which can be picked from an array of designs found at “Stationary Section”, 2 lefts from the "vegetable section", so pick one godamit! And don’t you dare forget that he was showered with gifts that can be found at the back counters…erm, that is at the till where the cashier sits, and some of them look like chocolates and shit…do it!
Before you leave our store, no, this is not a shop you villager you, it’s a store bitch, but did you also know that on the 25th December, pilgrims, that’s you, engaged in a sport known as “shop till you drop?” Our assistants will gladly take you to our toy section where you shall buy whatever it is that the kids asked Santa to bring them this Christmas. Wrapping is free! Little bicycles that the kid will ride at age 2 and all the way to age 2 and a quarter are available, they come with a half-quarter year warranty, do this for Christmas, no, not Christ, but Christmas.
At the end of the shopping, you shall be availed with a “members only” card that entitles you to a discount every time you purchase from our store, that’s right, STORE! A 10% discount from all sections on the ground floor and 20% on the first floor. Easter purchases will guarantee you a 30% discount, yes, we love Jesus that much!
As for the profits, we shall just open another branch in the fast growing suburbs, we were thinking Ntinda or Namanve. The church shall take care of itself, they are not taxed anyways. We would however love to relay our great appreciation to them for boosting our sales at this time when we really need to expand and stuff, thank you church people!
And thank you dear client, for shopping with our store, that’s right, our STORE!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
That dream job!!
Some jobs are just too cool, how the hell do people get them? Watching documentary channels brings out stuff I never knew existed, and wish I could be, to hell with this nonsense of waking up at 7 am and wearing company ID’s…the real stuff reads like this:
Provocateur;
A punk who pisses people off, just for the heck of it! A notable chap is Larry Flynt, an American bugger that used to publish pornography and make it hard corer when chaps complained. He has been sued about 40 times for indecent exposures by his magazines and even made a best selling movie “the people vs Larry Flynt” about these court escapades. That beats accounting or marketing on any given day!
Analyst;
These come in many forms, and their sole job is to appear on television and discuss nonsense they think they bloody know. “Sports analysts”, some of whom name their kids after European club stadia and their soccer hero bastards talk so much nonsensical shit you wish you could have their jobs. The buggers start “analyzing” how the first half went, as if we didn’t watch the damn match ourselves “I think the manager made a terrible mistake making that substitute, he was controlling the midfield area all by himself….” and yet if things had gone the other way round, the “soccer pundit” would have been like “that decision to substitute that player was a very tactical move by the manager, this is what places him apart from the rest…” Bitch, any lumpen can say that! “Political” analysts don’t even deserve to waste ink / typing stuff, it’s not really ink on the keyboard now is it?
Historian;
Just like their analyst brothers, these buggers are called in to give opinions on what has already happened. “Based on events of 1955, we are seeing a repeat of history…”, and so??
Weather men;
And women: These guys stand in front of maps and PowerPoint presentations and start playing God! “Fellaz, looky here, there’s goin to be rain and thunderstorms, but in a few selected places, can’t really be sure which, but trust, someone’s getting wet today. In other parts as u can see these moving clouds, temperatures shall rise to about 25 degrees Celcius, that’s Celcius, not Farenheit, so go figure!
Political / Power Brokers;
These are the guys that support the ruling government. Their job is to sit at strategic offices and wait for foreigners looking for permits, land or Presidential favors. They “connect” you to the big guy for a “fee” then lay back and buy us pints and praise the ruling government. This class of chaps is responsible for the Global Corruption index that favors African governments.
Philanthropists;
No, not Micheal “bullshit” Ezra and his antics. Issuing bouncing cheques to charitable causes does not count. To get this job, one must be a real dime person with real estate and spare change in authentic dollars. This dime is strictly not for display to journalists in a hidden hotel but for actually giving out to real causes like malaria eradication and TB prevention. Wish I could have this.
But in the meantime, away from the dream jobs, its back to the usual nonsense…………..yearly appraisal crap!!
Provocateur;
A punk who pisses people off, just for the heck of it! A notable chap is Larry Flynt, an American bugger that used to publish pornography and make it hard corer when chaps complained. He has been sued about 40 times for indecent exposures by his magazines and even made a best selling movie “the people vs Larry Flynt” about these court escapades. That beats accounting or marketing on any given day!
Analyst;
These come in many forms, and their sole job is to appear on television and discuss nonsense they think they bloody know. “Sports analysts”, some of whom name their kids after European club stadia and their soccer hero bastards talk so much nonsensical shit you wish you could have their jobs. The buggers start “analyzing” how the first half went, as if we didn’t watch the damn match ourselves “I think the manager made a terrible mistake making that substitute, he was controlling the midfield area all by himself….” and yet if things had gone the other way round, the “soccer pundit” would have been like “that decision to substitute that player was a very tactical move by the manager, this is what places him apart from the rest…” Bitch, any lumpen can say that! “Political” analysts don’t even deserve to waste ink / typing stuff, it’s not really ink on the keyboard now is it?
Historian;
Just like their analyst brothers, these buggers are called in to give opinions on what has already happened. “Based on events of 1955, we are seeing a repeat of history…”, and so??
Weather men;
And women: These guys stand in front of maps and PowerPoint presentations and start playing God! “Fellaz, looky here, there’s goin to be rain and thunderstorms, but in a few selected places, can’t really be sure which, but trust, someone’s getting wet today. In other parts as u can see these moving clouds, temperatures shall rise to about 25 degrees Celcius, that’s Celcius, not Farenheit, so go figure!
Political / Power Brokers;
These are the guys that support the ruling government. Their job is to sit at strategic offices and wait for foreigners looking for permits, land or Presidential favors. They “connect” you to the big guy for a “fee” then lay back and buy us pints and praise the ruling government. This class of chaps is responsible for the Global Corruption index that favors African governments.
Philanthropists;
No, not Micheal “bullshit” Ezra and his antics. Issuing bouncing cheques to charitable causes does not count. To get this job, one must be a real dime person with real estate and spare change in authentic dollars. This dime is strictly not for display to journalists in a hidden hotel but for actually giving out to real causes like malaria eradication and TB prevention. Wish I could have this.
But in the meantime, away from the dream jobs, its back to the usual nonsense…………..yearly appraisal crap!!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Leak This!!
Governments have surely ran out of creativity, their minds blinded by the next big deal….or election, they can’t think straight anymore. If anyone pisses ‘em off, charge the bastard with rape! Zuma faced the wrath of the Mbeki government when he was charged with rape, and so was Besigye a few years earlier, and so was Kobe Bryant, Mike Tyson and Tupac Shakur, wonder who those ones pissed off!
The latest victim is the “hard nut to crack” Julian Assange of the WikiLeaks fame. He is being charged with taking a forceful “WikiLeak” on some 2 chicks in Sweden in around August this year. One of the chicks, like Mike Tyson before, actually offered him her apartment so he could live there while he was attending a media conference in Sweden, so they were actually roomies. The reported “WikiRape” happened 3 days before Assange moved out, so what gives??
The other “WikiRape” was some chick that had almost 500 pictures of the man, as if he was a rock star. She attended the conference and sat at the front and made sure this guy saw her and took her out. So what about???
What we have failed to understand however is why this guy did not leak to us through his WikiLeaks site that he was going to be arrested for rape…oh, I get it, he only leaks shit that has happened.
His arrest however shall be met with mixed reactions….first, governments do not need to show all the stuff they do, some things are best left unsaid, it’s a rule that applies even to normal friendships, we talk behind our backs all the damn time, but as long as the other person doesn’t know, we live on, so why publish secret stuff? That’s irresponsibility, not media freedom.
However, some bullshit taxpayers feel they have to know every damn thing that goes on, and are applauding Wikileaks, albeit the dangers it may wreck upon countries. These guys need to slow down.
So what do the late night show hosts have to say about Mr Assange;
"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno
"Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France and Julian Assange." - Conan O’Brien
"WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents." –Jimmy Kimmel
“Obama’s administration has been marred by leaks….the BP oil leak, Wiki leaks….” – Anonymous
“Federal workers have had their pay frozen for 2 years. The worst part is that they found out on WikiLeaks!” – Jay Leno
Top 4 signs your neighbor is the WikiLeaks guy;
4 – Name on mailbox reads “WikiLeaks Guy!”
3 – He insists you speak directly into his necktie.
2 – On re-cycling day, he puts out cans, bottles and classified documents!
1 – When he gets drunk, he takes a “Wiki Leak on your porch!”
After all is said and done, its hard what to make out of this guy!
The latest victim is the “hard nut to crack” Julian Assange of the WikiLeaks fame. He is being charged with taking a forceful “WikiLeak” on some 2 chicks in Sweden in around August this year. One of the chicks, like Mike Tyson before, actually offered him her apartment so he could live there while he was attending a media conference in Sweden, so they were actually roomies. The reported “WikiRape” happened 3 days before Assange moved out, so what gives??
The other “WikiRape” was some chick that had almost 500 pictures of the man, as if he was a rock star. She attended the conference and sat at the front and made sure this guy saw her and took her out. So what about???
What we have failed to understand however is why this guy did not leak to us through his WikiLeaks site that he was going to be arrested for rape…oh, I get it, he only leaks shit that has happened.
His arrest however shall be met with mixed reactions….first, governments do not need to show all the stuff they do, some things are best left unsaid, it’s a rule that applies even to normal friendships, we talk behind our backs all the damn time, but as long as the other person doesn’t know, we live on, so why publish secret stuff? That’s irresponsibility, not media freedom.
However, some bullshit taxpayers feel they have to know every damn thing that goes on, and are applauding Wikileaks, albeit the dangers it may wreck upon countries. These guys need to slow down.
So what do the late night show hosts have to say about Mr Assange;
"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno
"Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France and Julian Assange." - Conan O’Brien
"WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents." –Jimmy Kimmel
“Obama’s administration has been marred by leaks….the BP oil leak, Wiki leaks….” – Anonymous
“Federal workers have had their pay frozen for 2 years. The worst part is that they found out on WikiLeaks!” – Jay Leno
Top 4 signs your neighbor is the WikiLeaks guy;
4 – Name on mailbox reads “WikiLeaks Guy!”
3 – He insists you speak directly into his necktie.
2 – On re-cycling day, he puts out cans, bottles and classified documents!
1 – When he gets drunk, he takes a “Wiki Leak on your porch!”
After all is said and done, its hard what to make out of this guy!
The 2010 partitioning of Africa!!
When Warid brought in Dual Sims, it ushered into the world the theory of splitting into many parts in the area of technology. However, this theory has been happening right under our noses in the general sphere of life, starting with the 1884 Berlin partitioning of Africa agreement where Africa was sliced up like a Dominoes pizza and different pieces offered to the European children on their birthdays, except for Ethiopia and the Mighty Jah Ras Tafari who fought the Italian mafias back to Sicily.
Uganda had 38 districts in 1994, coz we used to name each of them while in school, and Rwanda was jokingly called Uganda’s 39th district during that time Uganda’s army helped them take over. A couple of dead rats eaten and other bizarre antics later, we now have almost 180.
Our brothers in the muslim fraternity not wanting to miss out on this new partitioning trend voted a new “rival” mufti so they could have 2 factions. Of late, even the one that had remained as the official Mufti got sacked and the Deputy asked to replace him – they are still waiting.
The Kingdom of Busoga, whose hereditorial stunts are as hard to understand as the jiggers that have invaded their kingdom, have about 3 Kings right now, all “legitimately” elected, since the King’s son does not automatically take over. Presidential candidates are having an extremely hard time figuring out which of the 3 Kings to bribe for their subjects’ vote!
In Ivory Coast, a former tremendously fantabulous country with a record of peace better than lousy Tanzania and its rude inhabitants, has finally accepted and turned into a normal African country with true African characteristics expected of Africans by the major media punks like BBC and CNN who are having a field day reporting from yet another failure on the dark continent!
The Ivorians have 2 sitting Presidents, 2 Prime Ministers and 2 full cabinets. Wonder whether they have 2 Revenue Authorities coz that’s where money comes from. Like their neighbors Nigeria, there is a Muslim North and a Christian South with a conglomerate of tribes within, however the religious animosity stands out. So like a true African democracy, the incumbent refused to lose, and he has the army to back him up, a lesson learned from Madagascar, the army rules! Let’s wait for yet another power sharing agreement with an executive Prime Minister (the chap that “won”)
An imminent split is also waiting to happen in Sudan, after their referendum in January 2011, and if Ghadaffi had his way, he would split Nigeria into 2 states. How does a guy advocating for 1 African government be the same chap telling Nigeria to split…beats the oblangatta!
In less interesting news, DP candidate Mao (who previously asked for the North to split from Ug) rolled over in his car several times while on the Mityana road after his driver hit a pot hole! The Ministry of Works in cahoots with traffic policemen immediately came in and took those measurements, questioned “potential witnesses” and sent the findings back to the labs for analysis after which they concluded that “the driver was over speeding….the pot hole had nothing whatsoever to do with anything” and so this guy shall be charged with breaking the speed limits, and the pot hole shall remain as a deterrent to future drivers along this route that want to break speed limits!
The rest of the candidates were as usual bashing the government and the government bashing back, nothing new really! (Let's hope we wont have an executive Prime Minister after all this)
Uganda had 38 districts in 1994, coz we used to name each of them while in school, and Rwanda was jokingly called Uganda’s 39th district during that time Uganda’s army helped them take over. A couple of dead rats eaten and other bizarre antics later, we now have almost 180.
Our brothers in the muslim fraternity not wanting to miss out on this new partitioning trend voted a new “rival” mufti so they could have 2 factions. Of late, even the one that had remained as the official Mufti got sacked and the Deputy asked to replace him – they are still waiting.
The Kingdom of Busoga, whose hereditorial stunts are as hard to understand as the jiggers that have invaded their kingdom, have about 3 Kings right now, all “legitimately” elected, since the King’s son does not automatically take over. Presidential candidates are having an extremely hard time figuring out which of the 3 Kings to bribe for their subjects’ vote!
In Ivory Coast, a former tremendously fantabulous country with a record of peace better than lousy Tanzania and its rude inhabitants, has finally accepted and turned into a normal African country with true African characteristics expected of Africans by the major media punks like BBC and CNN who are having a field day reporting from yet another failure on the dark continent!
The Ivorians have 2 sitting Presidents, 2 Prime Ministers and 2 full cabinets. Wonder whether they have 2 Revenue Authorities coz that’s where money comes from. Like their neighbors Nigeria, there is a Muslim North and a Christian South with a conglomerate of tribes within, however the religious animosity stands out. So like a true African democracy, the incumbent refused to lose, and he has the army to back him up, a lesson learned from Madagascar, the army rules! Let’s wait for yet another power sharing agreement with an executive Prime Minister (the chap that “won”)
An imminent split is also waiting to happen in Sudan, after their referendum in January 2011, and if Ghadaffi had his way, he would split Nigeria into 2 states. How does a guy advocating for 1 African government be the same chap telling Nigeria to split…beats the oblangatta!
In less interesting news, DP candidate Mao (who previously asked for the North to split from Ug) rolled over in his car several times while on the Mityana road after his driver hit a pot hole! The Ministry of Works in cahoots with traffic policemen immediately came in and took those measurements, questioned “potential witnesses” and sent the findings back to the labs for analysis after which they concluded that “the driver was over speeding….the pot hole had nothing whatsoever to do with anything” and so this guy shall be charged with breaking the speed limits, and the pot hole shall remain as a deterrent to future drivers along this route that want to break speed limits!
The rest of the candidates were as usual bashing the government and the government bashing back, nothing new really! (Let's hope we wont have an executive Prime Minister after all this)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The MTN marathon do's and don'ts!!
So you are going for the MTN marathon, u corporate chap you!! Several warnings about what you should eat and what to avoid shall be sent to you by wanna-be physicists who have been watching a lot of Oprah, but do you really want to win this thing? Hells no!! People are in it for the fun of it!
As chaps that have cable (those ballistic anti-copyright bullshitters that show supersport with total disregard for that MNET sole license holder crap), we got to see the real reasons why you shouldn’t go for that marathon by some health advisors who definitely have nothing to do with bullshit Oprah and her fitness punks coz you definitely won’t win, and here’s some reasons why;
10 –Your number “467” is also your cholesterol.
9 – You once pulled a hamstring opening your mail.
8 - Crowd noise drowned out by your wheezing!
7 – Ofwono Opondo shoots you in the face with the starter’s pistol (you may be in a blue shirt bitch!)
6 – You’re so fat you are wearing the MTN headband / bandana on your wrist!
5 – Miss start of race because you are in the bank collecting a bounced cheque from Mike Ezra
4 – Miss race because you are catching grasshoppers in Bukoto.
3 – 2 kilometers and you fall into a giant pot hole!
2 – You get totally exhausted at the signpost of “first water point”
1 – You are still trying to finish last year’s marathon!!
That obviously leaves out winning as an option, and settles you for the blast bit of it. With the election fever on however, serious confusion is going to ensue as to whether this is one mammoth NRM bash or something, coz the ruling party has already painted the city yellow, what with all sorts of posters never even imagined by advertising gurus like Satchi and bullshit Satchi, like the trolley thingy at the Kiira Rd Police station roundabout, now who thought of that? Or the ads at the Kampala Golf Course? Or the Kololo grounds where the race will take off? There will just be no difference.
However, politicking aside, you shall have two options for the marathon, the 42 kilometer run or the 21 kilometer run for the jokers written about above. If you are not sure of which category to run in and yet you are constantly runnin’, these will help you know if you can join the 42 kilometer run and compete with the Inzikuru's;
10 – You spend more time in the drug section than the food section of the local market.
9 – You have more dirt on your shoes than in your garden.
8 – You get more phone calls at 5AM than at 5PM.
7 – You don’t recognize your friends with their clothes on.
6 – You have more buckles than belts.
5 – You postpone your wedding because it will interfere with training.
4 – You always have at least one black toenail.
3 – You can expound on the virtues of eating salt.
2 – You run marathons for morning exercises.
1 – Your name begins with Kip……..and ends with …(kip)choge…..(kip)riso….(kip)lagat….
Well, wish y’all the best in yo jogging, at least you are pretty damn sure of getting a certificate, that 10k is worth every step!
As chaps that have cable (those ballistic anti-copyright bullshitters that show supersport with total disregard for that MNET sole license holder crap), we got to see the real reasons why you shouldn’t go for that marathon by some health advisors who definitely have nothing to do with bullshit Oprah and her fitness punks coz you definitely won’t win, and here’s some reasons why;
10 –Your number “467” is also your cholesterol.
9 – You once pulled a hamstring opening your mail.
8 - Crowd noise drowned out by your wheezing!
7 – Ofwono Opondo shoots you in the face with the starter’s pistol (you may be in a blue shirt bitch!)
6 – You’re so fat you are wearing the MTN headband / bandana on your wrist!
5 – Miss start of race because you are in the bank collecting a bounced cheque from Mike Ezra
4 – Miss race because you are catching grasshoppers in Bukoto.
3 – 2 kilometers and you fall into a giant pot hole!
2 – You get totally exhausted at the signpost of “first water point”
1 – You are still trying to finish last year’s marathon!!
That obviously leaves out winning as an option, and settles you for the blast bit of it. With the election fever on however, serious confusion is going to ensue as to whether this is one mammoth NRM bash or something, coz the ruling party has already painted the city yellow, what with all sorts of posters never even imagined by advertising gurus like Satchi and bullshit Satchi, like the trolley thingy at the Kiira Rd Police station roundabout, now who thought of that? Or the ads at the Kampala Golf Course? Or the Kololo grounds where the race will take off? There will just be no difference.
However, politicking aside, you shall have two options for the marathon, the 42 kilometer run or the 21 kilometer run for the jokers written about above. If you are not sure of which category to run in and yet you are constantly runnin’, these will help you know if you can join the 42 kilometer run and compete with the Inzikuru's;
10 – You spend more time in the drug section than the food section of the local market.
9 – You have more dirt on your shoes than in your garden.
8 – You get more phone calls at 5AM than at 5PM.
7 – You don’t recognize your friends with their clothes on.
6 – You have more buckles than belts.
5 – You postpone your wedding because it will interfere with training.
4 – You always have at least one black toenail.
3 – You can expound on the virtues of eating salt.
2 – You run marathons for morning exercises.
1 – Your name begins with Kip……..and ends with …(kip)choge…..(kip)riso….(kip)lagat….
Well, wish y’all the best in yo jogging, at least you are pretty damn sure of getting a certificate, that 10k is worth every step!
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