It’s upon us again, that dreaded Christmas and it’s feliz navidad crap! Sales managers at Uchumi and Nakumatt have never been happier, they are going to hit their monthly sales targets by the 15thDecember, thanks to their over-advertising (cramming entrances with red balloons)!
You would be forgiven to think that these punks are the staunchest Christians ye ever met….i mean how happy can you be that Jesus is going to be born - - yet again? These buggers don’t want to hear jingle bells, all they care about is the ringing ka-ching sound coming out of their cash registers every time yet another Christmas tree has been yanked off it’s shelf!
Just like their cousins at Hallmark that make a killing during Valentine’s (and father’s day, mother’s day, first born girl’s day….), supermarkets have hijacked the Christmas tradition from the Vatican, who have spent the most of the past 6 or so years defending their foot soldiers from boy-child molestation cases (just let the guys marry!) and letting their prized asset go to the capitalists.
According to the Shoprites and Nakumatts of this world, Jesus Christ was born in a ballistic baby cot that came with an automatically fitted mosquito net that is discounted by 10% every time you purchase around 3 of them – so do that! He was surrounded by an array of balloons and party poppers that can easily be found on Isle 13, “party section”, purchase some preasee…sench u very many!
His visitors took him cards, “Congratulations on getting a first born boy” which can be picked from an array of designs found at “Stationary Section”, 2 lefts from the "vegetable section", so pick one godamit! And don’t you dare forget that he was showered with gifts that can be found at the back counters…erm, that is at the till where the cashier sits, and some of them look like chocolates and shit…do it!
Before you leave our store, no, this is not a shop you villager you, it’s a store bitch, but did you also know that on the 25th December, pilgrims, that’s you, engaged in a sport known as “shop till you drop?” Our assistants will gladly take you to our toy section where you shall buy whatever it is that the kids asked Santa to bring them this Christmas. Wrapping is free! Little bicycles that the kid will ride at age 2 and all the way to age 2 and a quarter are available, they come with a half-quarter year warranty, do this for Christmas, no, not Christ, but Christmas.
At the end of the shopping, you shall be availed with a “members only” card that entitles you to a discount every time you purchase from our store, that’s right, STORE! A 10% discount from all sections on the ground floor and 20% on the first floor. Easter purchases will guarantee you a 30% discount, yes, we love Jesus that much!
As for the profits, we shall just open another branch in the fast growing suburbs, we were thinking Ntinda or Namanve. The church shall take care of itself, they are not taxed anyways. We would however love to relay our great appreciation to them for boosting our sales at this time when we really need to expand and stuff, thank you church people!
And thank you dear client, for shopping with our store, that’s right, our STORE!!
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