Coffee hangouts are springing up faster than barbershops slash video libraries these days! Ugandans are such a predictable bunch, or rather, investors in Uganda are such a predictable bunch, what with most being Chinese or Indian “foreign investors” and all!
First we were hit by “takeaways” in the 90’s, everyone’s auntie had one, so we were spoilt for choice on where to get that free “chips and sausage”. Then video libraries crept in and garages were turned to libraries with a large poster of “Titanic” hanging on it’s door to inform the public of the amazing stuff going on in there. These later turned into salons after street hawkers “took the video service closer to the people” unlike what bullshit politicians promise to do and don’t deliver.
But now, coffee is the shit, and it’s not cheap!
After Ban Café’s success (and many corporate dates that turned to marriages later), Café Pap crept in and became the poser’s lounging club. The City Oil guys decided to open a similar stuff, “Javas” at their gas station, but went an entire notch higher when they opened a ballistic one at the Nakumatt building.
Corporate posers were extremely thrilled with this innovation, and if any of them owes u dimes, just take a stroll there, they will definitely be there. Ban café not to be outdone, has also opened a similar café at the very same building, adjacent to Javas, so if you don’t find your debtor at one of them, cross to the other, they shall be posing from there.
I happened to look for one of these debtors at these places but the experience taught me exactly why I shouldn’t hang at cafes, damn this shit is rocket science, no wonder only corporate chaps with their training in Dubai and Pretoria fit in.
On entering these places, u will notice that the entire wall is a menu, and they have their own lingo, much like learning “programming” in IT or “financial analysis” in business. You know exactly what something is, but these punks just want to complicate matters. When u go to a bank for example and want to make a deposit, the silly teller will tell u to fill in a “CTV”. This statement will leave u more confused than the IPC figuring out who their mayoral candidate really is!
On inquiry, the ka teller will tell you “CTV” is not a camera thingy, but a “Customer Transaction Voucher”, which we ordinary mortals call a “deposit slip”. Why the hell didn’t you just say that in the first place?? Wasting my time! Oh I get it, u have to pay for that training don’t ya? Show us u know shit! Its just a deposit slip bitch!! And it only asks for account number, name and amounts in the various denominations to fill in! Didn’t know I knew “denominations” now did ya??
Anywho, these café buggers behave just like teller number 1 above, maybe they want to justify their huge prices, but u don’t just walk into a café mbu u have dimes, u must know the lingo!
For example, they have some stuff called Espresso. No Maggie, this doesn’t mean coffee that is brewed extra fast. That only stops at the dry cleaners where u pay more dimes for “express-o” wash and dry. Espresso means coffee powder brewed under very extreme pressure, and its super strong, to addictive levels.
The con doesn’t stop there, they will ask if u want the espresso as latte. Latte is the coffee plus milk. Wonder why the punks didn’t just ask “do u want milk or plain coffee?” but no, u gotta sound as expensive as that bill is going to be – shortly!
The barista will then ask you…….oh sorry, forgot to mention that. The guy that comes to take your order, complete with a pen and writing pad (to look extra coolest) is called a barista. For calling him a “waiter” or “garcon” will simply increase your bill! Anywho, the “barista” will ask whether u want it as “frappucino”, another word that ends with “o”, looks like the nigerians are in charge of this one. Apparently that means “cold coffee”, as if the bastards just couldnt say that!
“well-o, if u don’t mind-o, al have latte frappucino, I have de money-o, kinekee-oo”
A sip of this shit will hit u with a high that’s 100 times better than weed, so I have been told! Never to know this weed stuff! Addicts to this shit are rich guys or corporate chaps with “entertainment” loans, be careful not to fall for this shit!
And as I end this, here comes that punk with my dimes, logging off…..
1 comment:
Ha haaa!!! Seems like you had a bad experience!
Nice lesson though, now I know the lingo too..
Man, what did Maggie ever do to you? She must be from Bududa or someplace. I am sure she is grateful to you.
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