Ultimately the kids will one day take over power, the so-called generation Y, we being the Generation X characters. But am imagining what the chaos will be like when these little pumpkins, brains adulterated by MTV and Cineplex movies have a press conference as the President;
Reporter: Mr President, why did u arrest the main opposition leader on charges of rape?
Prez: Yo dawg, dawg, why u have to do me like that, aksing me the real hard shit! Anyway, this cat commited a crime, and the law is not segregative to none o y’all!
Reporter: What about the minister parliament censured and u returned to cabinet?
Prez: Caz he’s my bwaaaaiiii!! Dawg, he’s my boy, from like way back when u cowards were hiding under yo beds, while we were chilling in the bush, flexing the ol ass regime of that ldi Amin fool!
Reporter: What about the Kony rebels?
Prez: Ma Nizzle, those cowards are just a bunch of bi-a-tches and whores, getting their dimes from outside the country and shit. To me, they are just bollocks, next que-ck-stion!
Reporter: Now that URA is hitting it’s targets, shall we see better roads?
Prez: Yo, I know those cats have managed to raise the loot we need, but dawg, these donors are up on our ass, like a problem, telling us shit like where to squander the loot, in areas like health and agrizzo!! Dawg, I need to get me a new set of bazzokas and shit, and play War theft Auto up in this great lakes piece, waaduup!!!
Reporter: But Sir, what about the….
Interruption;
Prez: Don’t call me sir fool, I beez the the shiznit of a prez, dawg! U dig??
Reporter: Yes, Mr Shiznit!
Prez: Now get up outta my face, I gots to buzz, my hommies from the ministry of secuzzo and finizzo tell me they gat some loot, from some wetland deal with NSSF, so ama be up and outta here till the next quek-sion time, PEACE OUT!!!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Speed Dating
On a stray Tuesday, I went to Catch the sun, aka Kwata omusana, for a ki lazy pint! What I found in store baffled my mind, some stuff I last saw in some series! Why are we copy cats, everything we see in the movies must somehow become part of our culture!
First was “the royal ascot goat races”, which traces its roots to the “royal ascot horse races” of England, that were commemorating something royal about ascots, now we have the same shit, without any presence of any royals whatsoever, just chicks wearing hats to look exactly like the English ceremony!
Then we got “Halloween”, that had 2 celebrations, one at the Venue, then at the Kampala Casino, and they actually got large audiences with chaps in scary attire, ask them what they are celebrating and they’ll be like “it’s a ceremony everyone must attend!”. Then valentines, then Christmas, and other stuffs! These were understandable.
What killed me however was “speed dating”. The idea is to have 12 people, 6 chicks and 6 guys, the chicks sit at their tables, and the guys have to move around talking to each one of them, in a space of 3 minutes. When the bell goes off, u move on to the next, the cycle continuing for say, 3 times, then at the end of this ridiculous exercise, the chick chooses whoever she liked best, or vice versa.
I wanted to mess up this thing so I called some chap who had been practicing his dating moves on the net, just so he could mess up this experience such that speed dating neva returns to our 7 hills, like Halooween, so here’s how it went!
Date no. 1;
She: Hi!
Him: Hi!
She: Am Jackie.
Him: Well done!
She: Excuse me!
Him: How is there?
She: Where?
Him: Where u put up!
She: What? Get outta here!
Cling! Three minutes is up! Next
She: So like, whats yo mission in life?
Him: Am going to make a secret formula that will be sprayed all over the world, this will make all people bow down for me, and I will take over the world….muhuhahahahaha…muhuhahahahaha…muhuhahaha!!!!
She: What do u spend yo day doing, watch cartoons, get outta here!
Cling! Three minutes is up! Next
Him: Yo, is yo father a terrorist?
She: That is so lame, and cliché, everyone knows that line? Do u research yo lines on the internet? U are too weak!
Him: Can I finish?
She: Get outta here!!
It is at this point that the referee threw out contstant numero deaux, for being TOO WEAK!! I have no idea if this thing still takes place, why don’t u go there and find out, and please forget those internet lines, senk u for yo time folks!!
First was “the royal ascot goat races”, which traces its roots to the “royal ascot horse races” of England, that were commemorating something royal about ascots, now we have the same shit, without any presence of any royals whatsoever, just chicks wearing hats to look exactly like the English ceremony!
Then we got “Halloween”, that had 2 celebrations, one at the Venue, then at the Kampala Casino, and they actually got large audiences with chaps in scary attire, ask them what they are celebrating and they’ll be like “it’s a ceremony everyone must attend!”. Then valentines, then Christmas, and other stuffs! These were understandable.
What killed me however was “speed dating”. The idea is to have 12 people, 6 chicks and 6 guys, the chicks sit at their tables, and the guys have to move around talking to each one of them, in a space of 3 minutes. When the bell goes off, u move on to the next, the cycle continuing for say, 3 times, then at the end of this ridiculous exercise, the chick chooses whoever she liked best, or vice versa.
I wanted to mess up this thing so I called some chap who had been practicing his dating moves on the net, just so he could mess up this experience such that speed dating neva returns to our 7 hills, like Halooween, so here’s how it went!
Date no. 1;
She: Hi!
Him: Hi!
She: Am Jackie.
Him: Well done!
She: Excuse me!
Him: How is there?
She: Where?
Him: Where u put up!
She: What? Get outta here!
Cling! Three minutes is up! Next
She: So like, whats yo mission in life?
Him: Am going to make a secret formula that will be sprayed all over the world, this will make all people bow down for me, and I will take over the world….muhuhahahahaha…muhuhahahahaha…muhuhahaha!!!!
She: What do u spend yo day doing, watch cartoons, get outta here!
Cling! Three minutes is up! Next
Him: Yo, is yo father a terrorist?
She: That is so lame, and cliché, everyone knows that line? Do u research yo lines on the internet? U are too weak!
Him: Can I finish?
She: Get outta here!!
It is at this point that the referee threw out contstant numero deaux, for being TOO WEAK!! I have no idea if this thing still takes place, why don’t u go there and find out, and please forget those internet lines, senk u for yo time folks!!
Goma!!
It must be hard work living in Goma, what with the endless fighting, earthquakes, a deadly volcanic eruption 2 years ago, an ebola outbreak, no central government, and now to top it all up, a one Laurent Nkunda decides to open a war in that area!
What beats everyone’s understanding is all these rebel chaps saying they are fighting for their people, but in the real sense are causing untold mayhem to the people they claim to be fighting for. In this week, thousands of people, who Mr Nkunda is fighting for, have been displaced from their homes, when mortar shells, bullets and other war stuff was sent to their neighbourhoods. The people in turn attacked the UN base in the area, accusing the UN of being UN-helpful, UN –reliable, UN –serious and totally UN –bothered by their plight!
We hope for better ways to solve our issues, rather than killing chaps who happen to be thriving on trade. Sani Abacha, got it coming his way when he over dosed on Viagra and died in the act of a chow, and as someone put it, he came and went at the same time!!
Lets send Nkunda some Viagra!
What beats everyone’s understanding is all these rebel chaps saying they are fighting for their people, but in the real sense are causing untold mayhem to the people they claim to be fighting for. In this week, thousands of people, who Mr Nkunda is fighting for, have been displaced from their homes, when mortar shells, bullets and other war stuff was sent to their neighbourhoods. The people in turn attacked the UN base in the area, accusing the UN of being UN-helpful, UN –reliable, UN –serious and totally UN –bothered by their plight!
We hope for better ways to solve our issues, rather than killing chaps who happen to be thriving on trade. Sani Abacha, got it coming his way when he over dosed on Viagra and died in the act of a chow, and as someone put it, he came and went at the same time!!
Lets send Nkunda some Viagra!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
In the Noose
In today’s Gazzette, which like the villagers aforementioned, was a newspaper of the 70’s and now every paper is a gazette, are some very interesting revelations from the police and government, in a very lousy attempt to explain the rampant accidents occurring on Ugandas roads, and heres what the buggers had to say;
1- Cars are in very dangerous conditions, so people should fork out more money to buy tyres, and newers cars.
2- Drivers are drink driving like a problem.
3- Women dressed in mini-skirts are causing drivers to knock pedestrians!
The fourth bloody excuse they gave I didn’t even bother to read, coz I was having concerns of my own like;
1- the roads are too nasty, these things are no longer pot holes, heck, homeless people are having such a blast using them as bunkers by night, and they blame the cars!
2- These irritants called boda bodas, second only to flies at lunch time in a kafunda in Wandegeya, are causing untold mayhem to drivers, probably worse than mini-skirt wearing chicks. They simply ride however they want, even at least bees have trafiic flows!
3- This drink driving excuse, I know for one the bus that knocked 5 cars at Mengo was like at 3pm, the Lugazi accident, which happened as a direct impact from the dodging of a pot hole, was like at 7 pm! Theres no Happy Hour at any bar before these said times, so why bother us??
Am going to join government soon, coz I really also need to air out nonsense in public!
In international news, Obama leads in polls, suicide blast in a market in Kabul, Sudanese abduct 6 aid workers in Darfur, Hamas shells Israel with mortar rockets, Mugabe refuses to step down, elections rigged in yet anatha African country. Nothing new really, u can go bak to work !!
1- Cars are in very dangerous conditions, so people should fork out more money to buy tyres, and newers cars.
2- Drivers are drink driving like a problem.
3- Women dressed in mini-skirts are causing drivers to knock pedestrians!
The fourth bloody excuse they gave I didn’t even bother to read, coz I was having concerns of my own like;
1- the roads are too nasty, these things are no longer pot holes, heck, homeless people are having such a blast using them as bunkers by night, and they blame the cars!
2- These irritants called boda bodas, second only to flies at lunch time in a kafunda in Wandegeya, are causing untold mayhem to drivers, probably worse than mini-skirt wearing chicks. They simply ride however they want, even at least bees have trafiic flows!
3- This drink driving excuse, I know for one the bus that knocked 5 cars at Mengo was like at 3pm, the Lugazi accident, which happened as a direct impact from the dodging of a pot hole, was like at 7 pm! Theres no Happy Hour at any bar before these said times, so why bother us??
Am going to join government soon, coz I really also need to air out nonsense in public!
In international news, Obama leads in polls, suicide blast in a market in Kabul, Sudanese abduct 6 aid workers in Darfur, Hamas shells Israel with mortar rockets, Mugabe refuses to step down, elections rigged in yet anatha African country. Nothing new really, u can go bak to work !!
Village Branding
When I retired a couple of years back, I glanced over this Mahatma Ghandi quote that said “Be the change that you want the world to be”!
At first glance, NEVA to click that ballistic kazungu, so always to read it 3 times over, then went “aaaahhhhhh, kumbe that’s what it is!”
The world I want is for the villages of Africa to develop, at least to a level where urbanites and villagers can have a sensible conversation, before the villager can reach his favourite part of meeting any urbanite, the part where he goes “Boss, help me wiz 10 souzand, to pay the school fees”, and u be like “why the hell did u get 15 kids, in 4 years? who exactly did u have in mind to pay the bills, PUNK!!”
So to avoid the above scenario, I retreated to my village in Serere, and set up a container to sell funny little bu things, like soap, salt and toothpaste. Now villagers are really behind on this English thing, especially the stuff called branding, they still think it’s a singer, who did “I wanna be down”, in 1994! This is where I have problems with these corporate pumpkins known as brand managers! They just be here in Kampala driving around new company cars, probably a pickup, painted all with the company logos, they wear their identity cards around their necks, some even add on a flash disk and a phone to their neck attire, walk around with blackberries, and have bullshit kabozi like “Yo, can u imagine these idiots put me in red pepper, page 4 on the bottom left side, mbu I have a new beemer, sijui mbu I bought it direct from Germany, these bu chaps are idiots!! Someone should give them real work to do, just buy the paper and see for yo self!!”
(After calling the red pepper to confirm this outburst, the reporters showed them an email from Mr Corporate above sending a picture of the car and the amount!)
Anyway, let me first leave these guys and take u back to Serere. Now here I am in my ka container and in comes customer numero une! (The following has been translated to English, due to the fact that the pronunciations of the words have an alphabet not yet devised on a keyboard, but I will try to put as they said)
“Goodmorningy boss, I wanty the cologate!”
I hand over a tube of colgate
“No no no no no, I wanty the ada one which is red!!”
“Close-up?”
“Yes, that colgate which is close up, even give me that pepsi brrrrr!”
“Lady, cocacola is brrrrr, not pepsi”
“U Kampala people, u think we are stupid! I know the pepsi I want, the Coke pepsi!
If u meet the brand manager of Close up or Coca cola, tell him to drag his ass upcountry and stop wasting time here swinging Ids and flash disks, things are tight down there! I have since returned!!!
At first glance, NEVA to click that ballistic kazungu, so always to read it 3 times over, then went “aaaahhhhhh, kumbe that’s what it is!”
The world I want is for the villages of Africa to develop, at least to a level where urbanites and villagers can have a sensible conversation, before the villager can reach his favourite part of meeting any urbanite, the part where he goes “Boss, help me wiz 10 souzand, to pay the school fees”, and u be like “why the hell did u get 15 kids, in 4 years? who exactly did u have in mind to pay the bills, PUNK!!”
So to avoid the above scenario, I retreated to my village in Serere, and set up a container to sell funny little bu things, like soap, salt and toothpaste. Now villagers are really behind on this English thing, especially the stuff called branding, they still think it’s a singer, who did “I wanna be down”, in 1994! This is where I have problems with these corporate pumpkins known as brand managers! They just be here in Kampala driving around new company cars, probably a pickup, painted all with the company logos, they wear their identity cards around their necks, some even add on a flash disk and a phone to their neck attire, walk around with blackberries, and have bullshit kabozi like “Yo, can u imagine these idiots put me in red pepper, page 4 on the bottom left side, mbu I have a new beemer, sijui mbu I bought it direct from Germany, these bu chaps are idiots!! Someone should give them real work to do, just buy the paper and see for yo self!!”
(After calling the red pepper to confirm this outburst, the reporters showed them an email from Mr Corporate above sending a picture of the car and the amount!)
Anyway, let me first leave these guys and take u back to Serere. Now here I am in my ka container and in comes customer numero une! (The following has been translated to English, due to the fact that the pronunciations of the words have an alphabet not yet devised on a keyboard, but I will try to put as they said)
“Goodmorningy boss, I wanty the cologate!”
I hand over a tube of colgate
“No no no no no, I wanty the ada one which is red!!”
“Close-up?”
“Yes, that colgate which is close up, even give me that pepsi brrrrr!”
“Lady, cocacola is brrrrr, not pepsi”
“U Kampala people, u think we are stupid! I know the pepsi I want, the Coke pepsi!
If u meet the brand manager of Close up or Coca cola, tell him to drag his ass upcountry and stop wasting time here swinging Ids and flash disks, things are tight down there! I have since returned!!!
African Reconciliations
Africa should be re-named “peace talks”, what with all these reconciliations that never end, or maybe its time for all the old geezers to step aside for we hip, young Obamas to run the show. In Kenya, there were peace talks, the old geezer refused to leave, but his understudy realised he was wasting time, so he settled for Prime minister, which is not entirely bad, coz when we were growing up and were sending love letters, we would be like “you are the prime minister of my heart”, not the Prezident!!! So he picked a few tips from this.
In Zimbabwe, the situation gets more precarious by the day! I still don’t get how u can line up for bread, and just let things be! I would have been rioting on a daily! And they even have the audacity to send a chap to the big brother house, what the hell will he do if he won the 100 thousand dollars? Buy a packet of buns for his family? Or better yet, buy extra salt to last 2 weeks?
Now this Mugabe chap, I always defend him when I sense a presence of the British, coz he is our son, but when it comes to a one on one, WHAT THE HELL OLD MAN? Just today they announced that SADC, a conglomerate of some South African countries had failed to mediate, now they want the mediation to be done by the entire African continent! Then after that, the show will be taken to the UN for world talks, then after all this has failed Neil Armstrong will be re-called from retirement to take Morgan and Mugabe to the moon, where a summit of all space creatures shall do the mediation. Yoda, the little green chap from Star Wars, will start the proceedings;
Yoda: I sense a force of failed reconciliation, induce u to the jedi knight, I shall.
Mugabe: We shall not sell our country to traitors, like Morgan here.
Yoda: Reconcile u, I will! Give bak the farms to the whites, I propose! Feed the nation, u shall!
Morgan: Wama me, I only want the ministry which has the police, coz am tired of being battered and arrested and my passport confiscated!
Anakin Skywalker: Greetings earthlings, u chaps are always fighting. I sent my spirits to Joseph Kony, but he has refused to listen. I sent the spirits to Laurent Nkunda, but he is practically not on my shit! I sent the sprits Omar El Warid Wahab Bashir in Darfur, neva to answer my call. Heck, I even sent the spirits to “the professional kampala rioters and noise makers inc”, but they said they were receiving more dimes from an un named source, just to riot! The council suggests we take over earth!
Mugabe: We shall resist any outside force.
Grace Mugabe: Hold on darling, maybe they will bring more shopping malls for me to get fancier stuff. Let them come please please please!!
Mugabe: OK!!
Yoda: May the force be with u!!
In Zimbabwe, the situation gets more precarious by the day! I still don’t get how u can line up for bread, and just let things be! I would have been rioting on a daily! And they even have the audacity to send a chap to the big brother house, what the hell will he do if he won the 100 thousand dollars? Buy a packet of buns for his family? Or better yet, buy extra salt to last 2 weeks?
Now this Mugabe chap, I always defend him when I sense a presence of the British, coz he is our son, but when it comes to a one on one, WHAT THE HELL OLD MAN? Just today they announced that SADC, a conglomerate of some South African countries had failed to mediate, now they want the mediation to be done by the entire African continent! Then after that, the show will be taken to the UN for world talks, then after all this has failed Neil Armstrong will be re-called from retirement to take Morgan and Mugabe to the moon, where a summit of all space creatures shall do the mediation. Yoda, the little green chap from Star Wars, will start the proceedings;
Yoda: I sense a force of failed reconciliation, induce u to the jedi knight, I shall.
Mugabe: We shall not sell our country to traitors, like Morgan here.
Yoda: Reconcile u, I will! Give bak the farms to the whites, I propose! Feed the nation, u shall!
Morgan: Wama me, I only want the ministry which has the police, coz am tired of being battered and arrested and my passport confiscated!
Anakin Skywalker: Greetings earthlings, u chaps are always fighting. I sent my spirits to Joseph Kony, but he has refused to listen. I sent the spirits to Laurent Nkunda, but he is practically not on my shit! I sent the sprits Omar El Warid Wahab Bashir in Darfur, neva to answer my call. Heck, I even sent the spirits to “the professional kampala rioters and noise makers inc”, but they said they were receiving more dimes from an un named source, just to riot! The council suggests we take over earth!
Mugabe: We shall resist any outside force.
Grace Mugabe: Hold on darling, maybe they will bring more shopping malls for me to get fancier stuff. Let them come please please please!!
Mugabe: OK!!
Yoda: May the force be with u!!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Church - crusher!
If u are saved, don’t read this, I still love the reputation u had of me, prior to this experience I had on a stray Sunday!
Now the thing is, there are so many make-shift churches cropping up from Ntinda all the way to Bweyogerere and Bugolobi, where the majority of Ugandans live, thanks to the “Free trade zone” the government has given to ANY church in the country, that means, don’t pay taxes, as long as your business revolves around using the bible as guidance, unlike those other businesses that worship books like “Think and grow rich”, “Rich Dad’s Cash flow Quadrant” and any book written by Donald Trump, yes, all the 73 of them!
Today’s story however occurred on a Sunday, when this make shift church went up, right across the road from where I live (“where I put up”, a local chick would say). Now I awoke at 9am, a strange hour for a retired chap, awoken not by the alarm clock, that was clearly set to 1pm, Zanzi time! The alarm sounds this time were the recognizable tunes of pianos, mixed with drums and strange noises that came in from people that sounded possessed, coz they were just confusing noises!
In an instant, I jumped out of my sticky sheets, since I had been sweating from a dream, where I was going to be cooked and eaten by the Marabu tribe of the Wachote clan, located in Australia (I bet u were picturing an African chiefdom, no, these were white Australian chaps!) and their noises were coherent with the church sound across the road. So I leap to the gate, to peep at what was going on, neva to just open the gate, since I had just been watching “Sometimes in April”, and whoever opened the gate suffered the fate of the Egyptian first borns who didn’t put a cross over their houses with lamb blood during those cursing years of Moses!
Anywho, I see people through the make-shift church windows, banging the walls of the church, walking around like they were trying to find the nearest exit, but just couldn’t. I remembered the Kanungu saga where all “followers” of the Prophet Kibwetere were burnt with no help, so I thought these chaps were on fire. By some bad omen, I also saw smoke come out of the church, which I later learnt was called inces, or some shit like that, normally used for prayer. One more letter, and that would have been INCEST!!
So I run to the church, to save all these innocent souls. The plan was to break into the windows and pull them out one by one, thus becoming their new saviour! I run to the door, and it looked closed, but not locked, so I pull it open, and everything comes to a sudden halt!! Quiet like a problem!! Everyone staring at me, even the music stops! The pastor came out to me, and led me to the front side, everyone looking, then he exclaimed “Our prayers have worked, this is salvation for anatha sinner, God has brought him here, lets help this helpless boy”
I said “whoa, hold your brakes sir, pastor, prophet, or whatever it is that u masquerade as, I am here to save U, from the inferno!”
“Son, its ok, we have seen more confused souls than yourself, just repent, accept Jesus in your life and u shall be born again”
“Says who” I ask,
“Jesus said it, John chapter 3 verse 3 Jesus replied "I will tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God”
I quckly interject, “but unfortunately u didn’t say the rest of the context in which he said it, coz he also says in chapter 4 to 7 which goes,
4 - "What do you mean?" exclaimed Nicodemus. "How can an old man go back into his mother's womb and be born again?"
5 - Jesus replied, "I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the spirit.
6 - Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life.
7 - So don't be surprised when I say, "You must be born again".
As a seventh day absentist, I rememba that water stuffs when I was still young, was washed over me by the local parish priest, so liv me alone!! I was born again! Even every 31st of March of every year, am born again. Even every Christmas, Jesus is born again! Sori for bothering u, I was just trying to help, but can u please keep yo volume down, I have to be asleep till 1pm, kapish??
Now the thing is, there are so many make-shift churches cropping up from Ntinda all the way to Bweyogerere and Bugolobi, where the majority of Ugandans live, thanks to the “Free trade zone” the government has given to ANY church in the country, that means, don’t pay taxes, as long as your business revolves around using the bible as guidance, unlike those other businesses that worship books like “Think and grow rich”, “Rich Dad’s Cash flow Quadrant” and any book written by Donald Trump, yes, all the 73 of them!
Today’s story however occurred on a Sunday, when this make shift church went up, right across the road from where I live (“where I put up”, a local chick would say). Now I awoke at 9am, a strange hour for a retired chap, awoken not by the alarm clock, that was clearly set to 1pm, Zanzi time! The alarm sounds this time were the recognizable tunes of pianos, mixed with drums and strange noises that came in from people that sounded possessed, coz they were just confusing noises!
In an instant, I jumped out of my sticky sheets, since I had been sweating from a dream, where I was going to be cooked and eaten by the Marabu tribe of the Wachote clan, located in Australia (I bet u were picturing an African chiefdom, no, these were white Australian chaps!) and their noises were coherent with the church sound across the road. So I leap to the gate, to peep at what was going on, neva to just open the gate, since I had just been watching “Sometimes in April”, and whoever opened the gate suffered the fate of the Egyptian first borns who didn’t put a cross over their houses with lamb blood during those cursing years of Moses!
Anywho, I see people through the make-shift church windows, banging the walls of the church, walking around like they were trying to find the nearest exit, but just couldn’t. I remembered the Kanungu saga where all “followers” of the Prophet Kibwetere were burnt with no help, so I thought these chaps were on fire. By some bad omen, I also saw smoke come out of the church, which I later learnt was called inces, or some shit like that, normally used for prayer. One more letter, and that would have been INCEST!!
So I run to the church, to save all these innocent souls. The plan was to break into the windows and pull them out one by one, thus becoming their new saviour! I run to the door, and it looked closed, but not locked, so I pull it open, and everything comes to a sudden halt!! Quiet like a problem!! Everyone staring at me, even the music stops! The pastor came out to me, and led me to the front side, everyone looking, then he exclaimed “Our prayers have worked, this is salvation for anatha sinner, God has brought him here, lets help this helpless boy”
I said “whoa, hold your brakes sir, pastor, prophet, or whatever it is that u masquerade as, I am here to save U, from the inferno!”
“Son, its ok, we have seen more confused souls than yourself, just repent, accept Jesus in your life and u shall be born again”
“Says who” I ask,
“Jesus said it, John chapter 3 verse 3 Jesus replied "I will tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God”
I quckly interject, “but unfortunately u didn’t say the rest of the context in which he said it, coz he also says in chapter 4 to 7 which goes,
4 - "What do you mean?" exclaimed Nicodemus. "How can an old man go back into his mother's womb and be born again?"
5 - Jesus replied, "I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the spirit.
6 - Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life.
7 - So don't be surprised when I say, "You must be born again".
As a seventh day absentist, I rememba that water stuffs when I was still young, was washed over me by the local parish priest, so liv me alone!! I was born again! Even every 31st of March of every year, am born again. Even every Christmas, Jesus is born again! Sori for bothering u, I was just trying to help, but can u please keep yo volume down, I have to be asleep till 1pm, kapish??
A Bank Rhymery
If u are related to the 2 chaps going to be dissected in the following nursery rhyme, your pardon is begged. Now, there is this Kashoma chap, also called Justus, and also known as Just, to some stray village chicks who claimed “he just had much money” facing robbery charges, being implicated with Jim Muh-wealthy, who is said to have been there by proxy, thru his bodyguard and his monster vehicle outside, and the story gathered from the newspapers reminds us of a nursery rhyme, lets first look at that rhyme, then the newspaper story which claims they went to the 3rd floor garden city Stanbic bank and tried to rob it!
Jack & Jill,
Went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his leg,
And Jill came tumbling after.
(Tamboling after, we would say in our BALLISTIC African accents)
Now here’s the newspaper version;
Just and Jim,
Went up a lift,
To fetch a pail of money,
Just messed up and got busted,
And Jim came tamboling after, TAMBOLING after!!
Jack & Jill,
Went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his leg,
And Jill came tumbling after.
(Tamboling after, we would say in our BALLISTIC African accents)
Now here’s the newspaper version;
Just and Jim,
Went up a lift,
To fetch a pail of money,
Just messed up and got busted,
And Jim came tamboling after, TAMBOLING after!!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Corporate life
A corporate’s life!
Its early on Tuesday morning, at 6.30 am that they all rise. The next 10 minutes are spent in bed, cursing why they didn’t have better jobs, and counting the days left till Friday! But as the sun rises, they realise they REALLY have to get out of bed, and hit the showers.
20 minutes later, they are in a heavy traffic jam, from Naalya to Bugolobi, no one is spared the nightmare of Uganda’s urban murram roads, which the colonialists left as tarmac roads, and which they briefly returned to see as tarmac, during the CHOGM time, but the dyed sand that was thrown over the holes to make it look like roads has since been washed away by the rains, and we are back to usual business!
The drive to work is characterised by the morning shows, which have outdone each other in terms of copying content, its always a guy and a chick presenting, and they incessantly have to argue about anything that runs thru their minds, and for some strange reason, they never agree, not on any single issue! This nightmare is spread across all the stations, u get to listen to strictly 1 song between 7.30 and 8, the rest is just gibber jabber, spoiling yo day early!
The dreadful walk to office from the parking lot, or from the gate where that boda boda chap has just dropped em off, depending on the loan one has acquired, involves signing in at the gate, with that ID, that doubles as a swipe card that records the time of arrival as one swipes! The first thing on reaching office is to open the computer, and check personal mails, since internet connections have been cut off, only emails are the source of connection to the outside world! As the first mail opens, that boss, whom EVERYBODY hates, walks in, murmuring “goodmorning”, to very few replies, if at all any! He then begins calling everyone, one by one “come see me”, for the usual garbage!
“Did u send the interim reports to SM? (Sales Manager, for u informal charcoal sellers!)
“Yes Sir, I actually had them photocopied, and sent to GM, KLM, CEO and COO!”
“Ok great, now I need u to send me an email of all the activities u shall be doing today, copy to FOO, DCO and GFX! Send a memo of yesterdays sales report and gravity checks from the COO to me. Don’t forget to cc and bcc all department heads, and section heads as well, kay???”
“Yes Sir”
“And oh, don’t forget u have customer care training next week, then after that a retreat for all executives, so send me your itenary for next week, and any expense requisitions, stamped by accounts and approved by Finance and the cashier, ASAP!”
“Yes Sir!”
This crap goes on till Friday, when finally, FREEDOM, they get to wear shirts with company logos, jeans and sandals. PHEWKS, no cufflinks! This day is usually shorter, so by 4.30 they are all headed to where its “happening”, where all people who are somebody are there. The cars are Hondas, Subarus and Premios, that have been recently acquired thanks to the Stanbic Car Loan, and they live in the flats, thanks to the Housing Finance Mortgage plan! The place to be is Fat Boyz and Rugby club, the gadget is the ipod, and the phone is the blackberry!
On Saturday morning, the plan is to call all the friends and be like “Zone 7 was on flames, man I pinted like 2 crates, we were bbbbllllaaaaazzzzzeeeedddd!!! U should have been there, man this chap was on the tables, by the time we reached Silo at 6am, man the bouncers just let us in for free!”
On Sunday afternoon, they will be spotted at Zanzi, wearing Khaki shorts and a striped t-shirt, holding a copy of the Sunday newspaper, and sometimes, just sometimes, with a kid in tow, the first born probably! The story will be exactly like the one aforementioned….”last nite we got bbbbbblllllaaazzzzeddddd!!”
Sunday evening, the WORST, coz “shit, tomorrow is bullshit Monday, I have to iron my shirt, and get ready to make reports and email them, am going to resign ANYTIME!!”
Monday – Some king has died, it’s a public holiday, the radio announces “…………..WWHHOOOOOAAAAA, RUGBY CLUB ANYONE??????????????”
A rhyme for the boss
I hate the boss,
We should throw him in a river
No one would feel the loss,
Or maybe wish him a case of the bad fever,
Or even cancer of the liver,
Why are they always mean,
All their words just obscene,
Yet despite all our hard work,
They still threaten us with the sack,
But we remain upbeat,
For one day we shall occupy their seat,
When they fail to handle the heat,
Of the bonfire we shall have lit,
By deliberately not doing shit,
And sending wrong report sheets,
He will scream blackmail,
But we shall organise thru email,
To send him to his hell,
Or just drown him in a well,
Maybe send him to a cell,
For the stocks he wanted to sell,
But the whistle blew before the sound of the bell,
And he was arrested before he could tell,
We all wish he rots in jail!!!
Its early on Tuesday morning, at 6.30 am that they all rise. The next 10 minutes are spent in bed, cursing why they didn’t have better jobs, and counting the days left till Friday! But as the sun rises, they realise they REALLY have to get out of bed, and hit the showers.
20 minutes later, they are in a heavy traffic jam, from Naalya to Bugolobi, no one is spared the nightmare of Uganda’s urban murram roads, which the colonialists left as tarmac roads, and which they briefly returned to see as tarmac, during the CHOGM time, but the dyed sand that was thrown over the holes to make it look like roads has since been washed away by the rains, and we are back to usual business!
The drive to work is characterised by the morning shows, which have outdone each other in terms of copying content, its always a guy and a chick presenting, and they incessantly have to argue about anything that runs thru their minds, and for some strange reason, they never agree, not on any single issue! This nightmare is spread across all the stations, u get to listen to strictly 1 song between 7.30 and 8, the rest is just gibber jabber, spoiling yo day early!
The dreadful walk to office from the parking lot, or from the gate where that boda boda chap has just dropped em off, depending on the loan one has acquired, involves signing in at the gate, with that ID, that doubles as a swipe card that records the time of arrival as one swipes! The first thing on reaching office is to open the computer, and check personal mails, since internet connections have been cut off, only emails are the source of connection to the outside world! As the first mail opens, that boss, whom EVERYBODY hates, walks in, murmuring “goodmorning”, to very few replies, if at all any! He then begins calling everyone, one by one “come see me”, for the usual garbage!
“Did u send the interim reports to SM? (Sales Manager, for u informal charcoal sellers!)
“Yes Sir, I actually had them photocopied, and sent to GM, KLM, CEO and COO!”
“Ok great, now I need u to send me an email of all the activities u shall be doing today, copy to FOO, DCO and GFX! Send a memo of yesterdays sales report and gravity checks from the COO to me. Don’t forget to cc and bcc all department heads, and section heads as well, kay???”
“Yes Sir”
“And oh, don’t forget u have customer care training next week, then after that a retreat for all executives, so send me your itenary for next week, and any expense requisitions, stamped by accounts and approved by Finance and the cashier, ASAP!”
“Yes Sir!”
This crap goes on till Friday, when finally, FREEDOM, they get to wear shirts with company logos, jeans and sandals. PHEWKS, no cufflinks! This day is usually shorter, so by 4.30 they are all headed to where its “happening”, where all people who are somebody are there. The cars are Hondas, Subarus and Premios, that have been recently acquired thanks to the Stanbic Car Loan, and they live in the flats, thanks to the Housing Finance Mortgage plan! The place to be is Fat Boyz and Rugby club, the gadget is the ipod, and the phone is the blackberry!
On Saturday morning, the plan is to call all the friends and be like “Zone 7 was on flames, man I pinted like 2 crates, we were bbbbllllaaaaazzzzzeeeedddd!!! U should have been there, man this chap was on the tables, by the time we reached Silo at 6am, man the bouncers just let us in for free!”
On Sunday afternoon, they will be spotted at Zanzi, wearing Khaki shorts and a striped t-shirt, holding a copy of the Sunday newspaper, and sometimes, just sometimes, with a kid in tow, the first born probably! The story will be exactly like the one aforementioned….”last nite we got bbbbbblllllaaazzzzeddddd!!”
Sunday evening, the WORST, coz “shit, tomorrow is bullshit Monday, I have to iron my shirt, and get ready to make reports and email them, am going to resign ANYTIME!!”
Monday – Some king has died, it’s a public holiday, the radio announces “…………..WWHHOOOOOAAAAA, RUGBY CLUB ANYONE??????????????”
A rhyme for the boss
I hate the boss,
We should throw him in a river
No one would feel the loss,
Or maybe wish him a case of the bad fever,
Or even cancer of the liver,
Why are they always mean,
All their words just obscene,
Yet despite all our hard work,
They still threaten us with the sack,
But we remain upbeat,
For one day we shall occupy their seat,
When they fail to handle the heat,
Of the bonfire we shall have lit,
By deliberately not doing shit,
And sending wrong report sheets,
He will scream blackmail,
But we shall organise thru email,
To send him to his hell,
Or just drown him in a well,
Maybe send him to a cell,
For the stocks he wanted to sell,
But the whistle blew before the sound of the bell,
And he was arrested before he could tell,
We all wish he rots in jail!!!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Gloomy Times
The news these days is getting a bit annoying, nothing good whatsoever! Our headlines are so full of terrorism alerts. Even local askaris have jumped on the bandwagon, "Dont spend more than 3 minutes in the supermarket, terrorism alert".
This crap is not helped much by this global warming thingy! First Al Gore was all over our faces telling us we were all gonna die, of course we are! They tell us tomorrow will neva come, but as a lounging chap in Kampala, I know theres always tomorrow, cause its already tomorrow in Australia!
Now the global heat has turned its attention elsewhere, after it failed to burn down all humans, now it has re-focused on the economy, hence the day's headline "Economy headed for meltdown". The shelves that have been holding stocks, forex rates and all those other financial jargon we charcoal sellers can't comprehende, are also melting, cause they are all falling too!
The alarmists, who include the Minister of Finance, have every reason to make us doubt their crap, and here's my thinking.
The NSSF deal was a quagmire that had in it the Minister of Security and the Minister of Finance. Midway thru this saga, there was a very heavy Terrorism alert sent out to all newspapers, gas stations, and even Nakasongola, where a certain King was to take place. This was issued by among others the Ministry of Security. 1 week later, we have heavy headlines by the Minister of Finance with the governor of BOU, saying we are headed for finacial hardships!
What the Heck is going on?! I bet u if the Minister of Agriculture was in the NSSF deal, he would have declared how Coffee was headed for its worst times ever!
We shall however remain optimistic of ballistic times ahead, to hell with those chaps and their crap, oil prices the world over fell by more than half, guess what, they bloody increased at the pumps in Uganda! Am no activist, so al head back to that part of the brain responsible for just chilling!!!!!!!!!!!!
This crap is not helped much by this global warming thingy! First Al Gore was all over our faces telling us we were all gonna die, of course we are! They tell us tomorrow will neva come, but as a lounging chap in Kampala, I know theres always tomorrow, cause its already tomorrow in Australia!
Now the global heat has turned its attention elsewhere, after it failed to burn down all humans, now it has re-focused on the economy, hence the day's headline "Economy headed for meltdown". The shelves that have been holding stocks, forex rates and all those other financial jargon we charcoal sellers can't comprehende, are also melting, cause they are all falling too!
The alarmists, who include the Minister of Finance, have every reason to make us doubt their crap, and here's my thinking.
The NSSF deal was a quagmire that had in it the Minister of Security and the Minister of Finance. Midway thru this saga, there was a very heavy Terrorism alert sent out to all newspapers, gas stations, and even Nakasongola, where a certain King was to take place. This was issued by among others the Ministry of Security. 1 week later, we have heavy headlines by the Minister of Finance with the governor of BOU, saying we are headed for finacial hardships!
What the Heck is going on?! I bet u if the Minister of Agriculture was in the NSSF deal, he would have declared how Coffee was headed for its worst times ever!
We shall however remain optimistic of ballistic times ahead, to hell with those chaps and their crap, oil prices the world over fell by more than half, guess what, they bloody increased at the pumps in Uganda! Am no activist, so al head back to that part of the brain responsible for just chilling!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Pick up lines!
Ever since Web City café graced Kampala with its magnificent presence, charging a whooping 6 thousand shillings for the hour on the internet, Ugandans have learnt lots of free stuff, courtesy of the web. The hard hitting one was the “pick up” lines that the Ugandans picked up from the net and decided it was time to get chicks easily, forget all this gentleman stuff of buying flowers, “they are damn expensive”, they quipped!
So here we were at Mateos, and this chap walks over to the chick,
“If your left leg is easter, and the right leg Christmas, can I get to spend sometime with u in between the holidays?”
The next scene of this story has the chap holding a bag of ice across his left eye “The chick can really hit”, he says!
According to the book “7 habits of highly stupid people”, they say u should persist, and the chick will fall in yo arms like those chaps of All 4 One, rememba them? Me Neither! But there was this song “these arms will worship and adore u”, so chiks be falling in “these arms” according to the afore mentioned book! Time for persisting try numero deaux!
“Hi, can u give me yo phone number, then I also give u my phone number, so that we can phonicate??”
SLAP NUMBERO DEAUX!
Chicks on the other hand have also learnt to come up with answers to these ridiculous internet lines, coz they are easy to know, now that they have become cliché; something like;
“Hi, heaven is missing an angel coz u are here!”
“That’s right, and the sewers must be missing a rat, coz u are here!”
But in all this chaos, some chicks actually fall for this crap! According to the other best seller, “men are from penislyvania and women are from vaginia”, it was noted that females like to be appraised, no, not that corporate crap, but to be told nice things, so even when they dismiss your crap, deep, deep, deep down , they get uplifted, their self esteem taking flight to the moon and back, even if this chap was actually a sewer rat!! Keep em pick up lines coming, u just neva know!!
So here we were at Mateos, and this chap walks over to the chick,
“If your left leg is easter, and the right leg Christmas, can I get to spend sometime with u in between the holidays?”
The next scene of this story has the chap holding a bag of ice across his left eye “The chick can really hit”, he says!
According to the book “7 habits of highly stupid people”, they say u should persist, and the chick will fall in yo arms like those chaps of All 4 One, rememba them? Me Neither! But there was this song “these arms will worship and adore u”, so chiks be falling in “these arms” according to the afore mentioned book! Time for persisting try numero deaux!
“Hi, can u give me yo phone number, then I also give u my phone number, so that we can phonicate??”
SLAP NUMBERO DEAUX!
Chicks on the other hand have also learnt to come up with answers to these ridiculous internet lines, coz they are easy to know, now that they have become cliché; something like;
“Hi, heaven is missing an angel coz u are here!”
“That’s right, and the sewers must be missing a rat, coz u are here!”
But in all this chaos, some chicks actually fall for this crap! According to the other best seller, “men are from penislyvania and women are from vaginia”, it was noted that females like to be appraised, no, not that corporate crap, but to be told nice things, so even when they dismiss your crap, deep, deep, deep down , they get uplifted, their self esteem taking flight to the moon and back, even if this chap was actually a sewer rat!! Keep em pick up lines coming, u just neva know!!
The interview
Paul had finally gotten that phone call inviting him for an interview at a certain company in uptown Kampala. He used to buy New Vision every Monday, and Monitor every Wednesday to get the job hook up. “8 pages of great jobs inside”, the adverts on poles would call out to him. So with spare change of 1k bucks, he would procure himself a paper, hoping it would have that life changing advert, that Joyce Mayer, Creflo Dollar and that other chap, whats his name, ahh, Benny Hinn I reckon, had all failed to provide, despite all the dimes and prayers Paul had been sending them!
The adverts turn out to be a bunch of crap, coz the ad of HITS wants “structural engineers”, the other 7 pages are for “Katakwi District Commission”, who the hell wants to go to BORING Katakwi??????
The SOS immediately goes out to all the relatives, a big man in government, coz how else do u get a job in Africa? Newspaper ads suck!! Within no time, the big man has sent a note to his colleague, asking him to repay that favour he did him when he was caught with some smuggled goods, the chit thus goes;
“Hello Comrade, good to see u are no longer in the frying pan for that little sum u took from that road repair project. Anyway, can u kindly assist the bearer of this note by fixing him somewhere in that new company in your jurisdiction, he is very well known to me, and any job will do. Thank you comrade, now u don’t owe me anything”
SEAL: OFFICE OF THE MINISTER FOR …….
DATE: 25-10-2005
Within days, Paul receives the call, he has got that interview. As a normal chap, he runs to the internet cafe, where he reads all that interview etiquette crap,
“Come early, at least 30 minutes before the appointment time, that way………”
“Carry a copy of your cv, just in case…………”
“Be smart, not too smart, not shabby, just be bloody smart godamit!!...”
Interview reaches, and this chap is ushered into the room, chaps staring at him like he had just killed someone. Going for an interview is probably more painful than the journey to the dentists, what’s with those idiot interviewers scaring chaps? Anywho, this is what transpired;
“Tell us your surname”
“My Sir name is Sir Paul Kabago”
“Fill in this please, we may be having a problem”
“Sex”
“Damn u guys, what do my activities have to do with my work?”
“Have u ever worked before?”
“Yes, with my father, he is a farmasist”
“Ah great, a pharmacist, so u have an idea of sales, inventory and banking?”
“What’s that? We just rare the goats and plant the cabbages”
“A FARMER?????”
“No, a farmasist!!”
“Can u handle responsibility?”
“Yes, even last time when the tractor got spoilt, they said I was responsible!”
“This is getting ridiculous”
“Ah, I know those guys, they are on Kenya TV!”
“Sir, what can we do with this fellow, we don’t want to annoy the big man!”
“Put him at the reception!”
Ladies and gents, u all rememba that IDIOT u met last time u went to a government building, ya, that chap that looked at u and had no idea what the hell u meant by “appointment”?, well, that’s how he got that bloody job in the first place!!
The adverts turn out to be a bunch of crap, coz the ad of HITS wants “structural engineers”, the other 7 pages are for “Katakwi District Commission”, who the hell wants to go to BORING Katakwi??????
The SOS immediately goes out to all the relatives, a big man in government, coz how else do u get a job in Africa? Newspaper ads suck!! Within no time, the big man has sent a note to his colleague, asking him to repay that favour he did him when he was caught with some smuggled goods, the chit thus goes;
“Hello Comrade, good to see u are no longer in the frying pan for that little sum u took from that road repair project. Anyway, can u kindly assist the bearer of this note by fixing him somewhere in that new company in your jurisdiction, he is very well known to me, and any job will do. Thank you comrade, now u don’t owe me anything”
SEAL: OFFICE OF THE MINISTER FOR …….
DATE: 25-10-2005
Within days, Paul receives the call, he has got that interview. As a normal chap, he runs to the internet cafe, where he reads all that interview etiquette crap,
“Come early, at least 30 minutes before the appointment time, that way………”
“Carry a copy of your cv, just in case…………”
“Be smart, not too smart, not shabby, just be bloody smart godamit!!...”
Interview reaches, and this chap is ushered into the room, chaps staring at him like he had just killed someone. Going for an interview is probably more painful than the journey to the dentists, what’s with those idiot interviewers scaring chaps? Anywho, this is what transpired;
“Tell us your surname”
“My Sir name is Sir Paul Kabago”
“Fill in this please, we may be having a problem”
“Sex”
“Damn u guys, what do my activities have to do with my work?”
“Have u ever worked before?”
“Yes, with my father, he is a farmasist”
“Ah great, a pharmacist, so u have an idea of sales, inventory and banking?”
“What’s that? We just rare the goats and plant the cabbages”
“A FARMER?????”
“No, a farmasist!!”
“Can u handle responsibility?”
“Yes, even last time when the tractor got spoilt, they said I was responsible!”
“This is getting ridiculous”
“Ah, I know those guys, they are on Kenya TV!”
“Sir, what can we do with this fellow, we don’t want to annoy the big man!”
“Put him at the reception!”
Ladies and gents, u all rememba that IDIOT u met last time u went to a government building, ya, that chap that looked at u and had no idea what the hell u meant by “appointment”?, well, that’s how he got that bloody job in the first place!!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Its a wrap!! Plus yesterdays headline!
Letter to the president from an MD!
Hello Mr Prez,
I don’t know if u really rememba me! I have been the MD of GLLP, a ki-ballistic organisation that takes dimes from all unsuspecting members of the working class, by charging tithe on their monthly incomes, 15%, to be exact, then they can access it when they reach 55 years of age, neva mind the average death age is 45!
U may be wondering how we keep ALL this left over money for the chaps that die at 45 and don’t collect! WE INVEST!! Part of our investments include wetlands, public schools, a hospital, squatters on the land and a few other bright investments, which rise up before their walls collapse!
Now I recently got a problem, with some of yo-wa buddies, MOFPED, and some other private investor! Now this private chap, who has no bodyguards whatsoever, has never had a public office, not even LC1, exerted on me untold political pressure! The chap showed me a map of your house! Do u know how this scared me?? He told me Diana uses the third bedroom to the left of the corridor, Natasha used to use the one adjacent to the guest house while Muhoozi always slept in a tent outside! Sir, this REALLY scared me!
Can u imagine sir, he even showed me his phone book, and your name, His Excellency, was there?? The mobile number, landline and even the warid line you use to Bang KB for Free after loading any amount of money the day before! Sir, he even started living in my office, he moved in with his KO mosquito net, which he set up on my office couch, sir!
Sir, I was so scared, I had to do what he wanted, just send to him the 11 billion shillings we had saved from all the chaps that couldn’t make it to 55, not with all these accidents caused by the poor roads that were not fixed, probably as a direct result of these guys wanting us to accumulate this 11 billion!
Sir, the MOFPED, aka Minister of Finance, Planning and Economic Development met me at the Warid launch, he was with his wife, and he called me aside, he told her to leave us alone so as to discuss some important shit, sorry,… issues sir! He told me that he wanted to buy a bank! I said “woololo”, that is impossible, I pigaad the nduulu, but nobody heard! This sir, was political influence, and taking worker’s money for personal gain! Anyway, I just allowed, and passed the bill to the investment team!
Actually daddy, even when I was in the board meeting, he called me and I told him I would report on him to you! He said mbu, I had to buy shares in his bank! The people I was sitting with on the board, even them they go to church with MOFPED, that means, they shared the money!
Me I was only left me alone, daddy, please help!! They are going to sack me!!
Ugandan hospitality
U ever gone to Naalya or rise n shine for pork? Of course u have, sori I asked! Now as soon as u park outside, 4 chaps come running to u, as if u were in that “wavah water” ad, and all the villagers are so happy to see u, back from the UK, and they be like “what did u bring us?”, and the chap unleashes a mineral water bottle which excites the villagers to unexplainable proportions!! The point probably being; “when leaving heathrow airport, please pass by that duty free shop and buy lots of wavah water, if u can EVER find it!”
So these Naalya pork chaps accost u with silly stuff like “blazza, blazza, I has the good pork” then the chick is being told “sister, mummy, sister, give me yo order”. In yo mind yo like, “can u wait till we get out of the car first?? PUNKS!!!!”
This same treatment will be meted out to u if u unfortunately use buses, at the bus park. Chaps will literally lift your lugguage, to 3 different buses, assuming u have 3 different bags!
The circus goes on to your house, when u hire that maid and she keeps calling you “uncle!” The last time we males associated with that word was when used to drive by Speke Road, not that we were there by choice, but by chance, and the silly ladies of vice, aka flesh peddlers, aka female ATM cards, she uses her “pin code” and gets money out of u! Anywho, as we be driving past, they start blowing gross kisses, and shout out “Daddy, uncle, am so hot for u, remove me from here, am worsening global warming!!” U be like “damn, u chicks are bright, if I do this, al call it a fundraiser, am raising tuition for yo kids!!”
Now here u are, and the maid is calling u “uncle”! Dirty stuffs! No wonder chicks don’t trust them!
A predictable rap rhyme
Whoever invented rap, told the chaps to simply abuse each other, and they will make a dime. If I were a rapper, this would be my first rhyme;
Please don’t hate,
Congratulate,
Am the best at this game,
Al put u to shame,
But u, I don’t blame,
Caz yo lyrics are so lame,
Al obliterate yo name,
And I rise to fame,
And fans will scream my name,
Coz rap will neva be the same,
When even your dame,
Decides to use my name,
For am on a flame…
WORD!!!!
Hello Mr Prez,
I don’t know if u really rememba me! I have been the MD of GLLP, a ki-ballistic organisation that takes dimes from all unsuspecting members of the working class, by charging tithe on their monthly incomes, 15%, to be exact, then they can access it when they reach 55 years of age, neva mind the average death age is 45!
U may be wondering how we keep ALL this left over money for the chaps that die at 45 and don’t collect! WE INVEST!! Part of our investments include wetlands, public schools, a hospital, squatters on the land and a few other bright investments, which rise up before their walls collapse!
Now I recently got a problem, with some of yo-wa buddies, MOFPED, and some other private investor! Now this private chap, who has no bodyguards whatsoever, has never had a public office, not even LC1, exerted on me untold political pressure! The chap showed me a map of your house! Do u know how this scared me?? He told me Diana uses the third bedroom to the left of the corridor, Natasha used to use the one adjacent to the guest house while Muhoozi always slept in a tent outside! Sir, this REALLY scared me!
Can u imagine sir, he even showed me his phone book, and your name, His Excellency, was there?? The mobile number, landline and even the warid line you use to Bang KB for Free after loading any amount of money the day before! Sir, he even started living in my office, he moved in with his KO mosquito net, which he set up on my office couch, sir!
Sir, I was so scared, I had to do what he wanted, just send to him the 11 billion shillings we had saved from all the chaps that couldn’t make it to 55, not with all these accidents caused by the poor roads that were not fixed, probably as a direct result of these guys wanting us to accumulate this 11 billion!
Sir, the MOFPED, aka Minister of Finance, Planning and Economic Development met me at the Warid launch, he was with his wife, and he called me aside, he told her to leave us alone so as to discuss some important shit, sorry,… issues sir! He told me that he wanted to buy a bank! I said “woololo”, that is impossible, I pigaad the nduulu, but nobody heard! This sir, was political influence, and taking worker’s money for personal gain! Anyway, I just allowed, and passed the bill to the investment team!
Actually daddy, even when I was in the board meeting, he called me and I told him I would report on him to you! He said mbu, I had to buy shares in his bank! The people I was sitting with on the board, even them they go to church with MOFPED, that means, they shared the money!
Me I was only left me alone, daddy, please help!! They are going to sack me!!
Ugandan hospitality
U ever gone to Naalya or rise n shine for pork? Of course u have, sori I asked! Now as soon as u park outside, 4 chaps come running to u, as if u were in that “wavah water” ad, and all the villagers are so happy to see u, back from the UK, and they be like “what did u bring us?”, and the chap unleashes a mineral water bottle which excites the villagers to unexplainable proportions!! The point probably being; “when leaving heathrow airport, please pass by that duty free shop and buy lots of wavah water, if u can EVER find it!”
So these Naalya pork chaps accost u with silly stuff like “blazza, blazza, I has the good pork” then the chick is being told “sister, mummy, sister, give me yo order”. In yo mind yo like, “can u wait till we get out of the car first?? PUNKS!!!!”
This same treatment will be meted out to u if u unfortunately use buses, at the bus park. Chaps will literally lift your lugguage, to 3 different buses, assuming u have 3 different bags!
The circus goes on to your house, when u hire that maid and she keeps calling you “uncle!” The last time we males associated with that word was when used to drive by Speke Road, not that we were there by choice, but by chance, and the silly ladies of vice, aka flesh peddlers, aka female ATM cards, she uses her “pin code” and gets money out of u! Anywho, as we be driving past, they start blowing gross kisses, and shout out “Daddy, uncle, am so hot for u, remove me from here, am worsening global warming!!” U be like “damn, u chicks are bright, if I do this, al call it a fundraiser, am raising tuition for yo kids!!”
Now here u are, and the maid is calling u “uncle”! Dirty stuffs! No wonder chicks don’t trust them!
A predictable rap rhyme
Whoever invented rap, told the chaps to simply abuse each other, and they will make a dime. If I were a rapper, this would be my first rhyme;
Please don’t hate,
Congratulate,
Am the best at this game,
Al put u to shame,
But u, I don’t blame,
Caz yo lyrics are so lame,
Al obliterate yo name,
And I rise to fame,
And fans will scream my name,
Coz rap will neva be the same,
When even your dame,
Decides to use my name,
For am on a flame…
WORD!!!!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Lightning strikes!!!
There was this story about a week ago of several cows that got killed by bolts of lightning in various farms in Mbarara district! We still cant figure out why the hell they were all standing at exactly the same spots where lighting would be passing by!
We believe these cows had organized a seminar, to discuss “the effects of udder implants” when BAM, they were gone!
In this particular farm Rwentojo, or some stuff like that, Jay the young bull and Pierre the older bull were just there staring at Clara, the ballistic cow!
Jay: Men that udder is too ballistic, cant wait for this cow to get in season”
Pierre: Look here man, we may be boys and all, but am the older one here, so I automatically get first dibs!
Jay:But u chap, u have been mounting that dummy thingy since, well, ever!! U got used to it, I have to make a good first impression on Clara, u see am not for Artificial Insemination stuff, actually, we need to call all cows to order one of these days and complain, rememba our book “rich dad poor cow”, they said “for legs, its good, two legs, not good”
Pierre: What the hell are u high on? Did u meander to Bobi Wine’s farm while grazing, dude, u chewed the wrong shit! And the more u chew cud, the higher u shall stay!
Jay: Fine, we shall put this to a vote! We shall send word out to the other families! We are going to campaign for Clara, and no lying lies to the voters! No those of those, OK, Kapish??
The electoral commission sets a rainy morning, when all farmers are in their houses, to be the voting day, so all cattle parade to vote in gazzetted areas, which are unfortunately where lightning beez chilling when it makes its regular stops to earth!
U wanted to know what happened, that’s what happened!
A simple chow, sori cow, no, bull, it begged its fucking pardon, turned tragic!
Our sorrows go out to the cattle owners, rememba, no udder implants, they cause this death!!
We believe these cows had organized a seminar, to discuss “the effects of udder implants” when BAM, they were gone!
In this particular farm Rwentojo, or some stuff like that, Jay the young bull and Pierre the older bull were just there staring at Clara, the ballistic cow!
Jay: Men that udder is too ballistic, cant wait for this cow to get in season”
Pierre: Look here man, we may be boys and all, but am the older one here, so I automatically get first dibs!
Jay:But u chap, u have been mounting that dummy thingy since, well, ever!! U got used to it, I have to make a good first impression on Clara, u see am not for Artificial Insemination stuff, actually, we need to call all cows to order one of these days and complain, rememba our book “rich dad poor cow”, they said “for legs, its good, two legs, not good”
Pierre: What the hell are u high on? Did u meander to Bobi Wine’s farm while grazing, dude, u chewed the wrong shit! And the more u chew cud, the higher u shall stay!
Jay: Fine, we shall put this to a vote! We shall send word out to the other families! We are going to campaign for Clara, and no lying lies to the voters! No those of those, OK, Kapish??
The electoral commission sets a rainy morning, when all farmers are in their houses, to be the voting day, so all cattle parade to vote in gazzetted areas, which are unfortunately where lightning beez chilling when it makes its regular stops to earth!
U wanted to know what happened, that’s what happened!
A simple chow, sori cow, no, bull, it begged its fucking pardon, turned tragic!
Our sorrows go out to the cattle owners, rememba, no udder implants, they cause this death!!
A Mermaid and a drunk chap!
Chilling here in the serene breezes of Zanzibar, at the bar, of course, minding my own, I see this ballistic chick, walking out the Indian ocean sands, in a ki-full bikini attire, as if Halle Berry in Die Anatha Day! She walks straight up to where I be, and yaps some incoherent gibberish, sounded like “2 martinis, one for me, and one for my soon-to-be hunk over here!”
Sometimes I tell these things as if I am lying, becoz no one can really blast like this, but what the heck, just read the damn thang!
So, where was I before conscience came over knocking with his usual garbage, ahh, Zanzibar!
So here is a glass of Martini in front of me, I tried to shake it, not stir it, but the damn thing just spilled all over! She ordered anatha, I said “Damn, the women emancipation over here must be on anatha level, if I were an Anglican priest, I would definitely be lesbian, since I would be gay anyway. (Nothing as silly as explaining a joke!)
Now this chick, confided in me how she was a mermaid, and me being a chap she had neva seen before, could tell me some shit!
I know that a female is made half-top chick and half-bottom fish, full with the hips and curves and all! What I still don’t get, is that geezer that made a half-male top, and the rest a bloody horse!! What the hell??
To prove a point, mermaid went back to sea, so I could see, what happens when she hit the waters, as if the Tom Hanks movie “Splash”! So she goes back in, and true to the word, I see the ballistic half fish thingy, full nice curves and all, she was shaking her arse….hips, it begged its fucking pardon, and got me all messed up, blood rushing to the wrong parts, u know wat I mean! If u don’t know wat I mean, u should probably be home watching tele-tubbies, and wait till u are 16!
So anyway, “splash” returns to the bar, probably after picking a few more dimes from prospective clients who dive under sea to beg for fortunes! Now am like “yo, how is it down there”
“Its aaiit! We get all sorts of visitors from up here! Musicians top the list! See there was this chap who came down there with only 2 eggs and some chicken feet! What the fuck was he thinking? We just broke his legs a couple of days ago when he returned here! We didn’t have jurisdiction to cross lake Victoria, the other mermaids would have killed us!”
“U mean to say there are mermaids in Lake Victoria?”
“Yeah, the “Victorian clan”! About 2 years ago, a chap went down to pray to take over power, so the Victorians pulled down a ship, MV Kabalega, to get him arms, and in the process, got themselves a new home, with lights!”
“U guys have loadshedding?”
“Yeah, chaps are still ol skool, u can imagine they still come down there with nothing but raw eggs and skulls! Who wants that shit? We need the new Chanel perfume (pronounced shanel) and some other peripherals, u dig?”
“Can we go down there for a ride?”
“Kool lets go”
As we proceed down, I rememba, shit I cant swim, so I started fighting for air, screaming as the water gushed thru my nostrils and that’s when I woke, to find bar men at the Zanzi Bar pouring water on me to get up, coz it was 6 in the morning, and I was just here in Kiwatule, Zanzi Bar just for some goat meat, that turned nasty!!!
Sometimes I tell these things as if I am lying, becoz no one can really blast like this, but what the heck, just read the damn thang!
So, where was I before conscience came over knocking with his usual garbage, ahh, Zanzibar!
So here is a glass of Martini in front of me, I tried to shake it, not stir it, but the damn thing just spilled all over! She ordered anatha, I said “Damn, the women emancipation over here must be on anatha level, if I were an Anglican priest, I would definitely be lesbian, since I would be gay anyway. (Nothing as silly as explaining a joke!)
Now this chick, confided in me how she was a mermaid, and me being a chap she had neva seen before, could tell me some shit!
I know that a female is made half-top chick and half-bottom fish, full with the hips and curves and all! What I still don’t get, is that geezer that made a half-male top, and the rest a bloody horse!! What the hell??
To prove a point, mermaid went back to sea, so I could see, what happens when she hit the waters, as if the Tom Hanks movie “Splash”! So she goes back in, and true to the word, I see the ballistic half fish thingy, full nice curves and all, she was shaking her arse….hips, it begged its fucking pardon, and got me all messed up, blood rushing to the wrong parts, u know wat I mean! If u don’t know wat I mean, u should probably be home watching tele-tubbies, and wait till u are 16!
So anyway, “splash” returns to the bar, probably after picking a few more dimes from prospective clients who dive under sea to beg for fortunes! Now am like “yo, how is it down there”
“Its aaiit! We get all sorts of visitors from up here! Musicians top the list! See there was this chap who came down there with only 2 eggs and some chicken feet! What the fuck was he thinking? We just broke his legs a couple of days ago when he returned here! We didn’t have jurisdiction to cross lake Victoria, the other mermaids would have killed us!”
“U mean to say there are mermaids in Lake Victoria?”
“Yeah, the “Victorian clan”! About 2 years ago, a chap went down to pray to take over power, so the Victorians pulled down a ship, MV Kabalega, to get him arms, and in the process, got themselves a new home, with lights!”
“U guys have loadshedding?”
“Yeah, chaps are still ol skool, u can imagine they still come down there with nothing but raw eggs and skulls! Who wants that shit? We need the new Chanel perfume (pronounced shanel) and some other peripherals, u dig?”
“Can we go down there for a ride?”
“Kool lets go”
As we proceed down, I rememba, shit I cant swim, so I started fighting for air, screaming as the water gushed thru my nostrils and that’s when I woke, to find bar men at the Zanzi Bar pouring water on me to get up, coz it was 6 in the morning, and I was just here in Kiwatule, Zanzi Bar just for some goat meat, that turned nasty!!!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The Dark Hoodlum
I saw Apuwa at the misty bar at the Serena Hotel, sitting on her own. She soon walked over to where I was sitting and gave me that look, as if the one in movies, where a chap is seated at the bar, and the chick walks over, (am sori, in the movies, the chap walks to the chick, but this is MY movie GODAMIT!!)
Anywho, Apuwa was a black and beautifull Gell, pronounced like the pint Bell. U know how that Zimbabwean messed up the song, blak and beautiful gell. This chick was dark, she used kiwi as a lotion, no no, she made crude oil look light, no scratch that, this chick would let in robbers to her house, then just lies back on her couch, and the robbers, NEVA TO SEE THE CHICK! Am sure in school when the lights would flicker during prep, chaps would start shouting “absorber, absorbee….absorber!!”
But nonetheless, she was smashing!!
Bak to the misty bar, she, always to introduce her-se-lef!
“Hi am Apuwa”
“Jack here, second name Daniels” (too WEAK, I know, but I said it)
“Well done!”………AM lying, she neva said that!
“So u are all by yo self huh?” …..That, she said!
“Yeah, I come here alone, cant afford a second person, the prices are for Zimbabwe!”
“I came with my dude but he seems to be taking forever in the loos”
“maybe he ate some crazy stuff he neva ate before”
“Nah, we only took a couple of drinks..”
“Did u get the bill?”
“Talk about it, he actually walked out as soon as it came!”
“U don’t say?”
“Oh yes I say!”
“U’ve been flim flamed!”
“Hoodwinked”
“Conned”
“U can say that again”
“Conned”
“No silly, that’s an expression!”
It was at this point that I realized 2 things!
1- I wasn’t as ballistic as previously expressed in this movie, the chick was just stranded!
2- The chick became puzzled, bamboozled…..and any other ….zzled’s out there!
So me always to be chilling there in my glee, happy about the fact that I strayed into this place solo, so she picks her phone and makes a phone call, heads to the “loos” for privacy! 1 hour later, I decide to head out, but the bar man gives me 2 bills, I scream “Say…..wats the BIG IDEA?”
The barman is like
“This other one is for yo date that u were sitting with”
“Watchu talking bout?” (even the axa kicked in!)
“the chick u were talking to, she said she was expecting someone all along, then u show up, and start talking!”
“Shit, I feel puzzled, bamboozled, and all the ….zled’s out there!!”
So let me skip to how nicely the tiles of Serena are, see they have these marble thingies, shiny stuff, u could lick them when they very well mopped, how do I know? I MOPPED THE BLOODY THIRD FLOOR!!
Anywho, Apuwa was a black and beautifull Gell, pronounced like the pint Bell. U know how that Zimbabwean messed up the song, blak and beautiful gell. This chick was dark, she used kiwi as a lotion, no no, she made crude oil look light, no scratch that, this chick would let in robbers to her house, then just lies back on her couch, and the robbers, NEVA TO SEE THE CHICK! Am sure in school when the lights would flicker during prep, chaps would start shouting “absorber, absorbee….absorber!!”
But nonetheless, she was smashing!!
Bak to the misty bar, she, always to introduce her-se-lef!
“Hi am Apuwa”
“Jack here, second name Daniels” (too WEAK, I know, but I said it)
“Well done!”………AM lying, she neva said that!
“So u are all by yo self huh?” …..That, she said!
“Yeah, I come here alone, cant afford a second person, the prices are for Zimbabwe!”
“I came with my dude but he seems to be taking forever in the loos”
“maybe he ate some crazy stuff he neva ate before”
“Nah, we only took a couple of drinks..”
“Did u get the bill?”
“Talk about it, he actually walked out as soon as it came!”
“U don’t say?”
“Oh yes I say!”
“U’ve been flim flamed!”
“Hoodwinked”
“Conned”
“U can say that again”
“Conned”
“No silly, that’s an expression!”
It was at this point that I realized 2 things!
1- I wasn’t as ballistic as previously expressed in this movie, the chick was just stranded!
2- The chick became puzzled, bamboozled…..and any other ….zzled’s out there!
So me always to be chilling there in my glee, happy about the fact that I strayed into this place solo, so she picks her phone and makes a phone call, heads to the “loos” for privacy! 1 hour later, I decide to head out, but the bar man gives me 2 bills, I scream “Say…..wats the BIG IDEA?”
The barman is like
“This other one is for yo date that u were sitting with”
“Watchu talking bout?” (even the axa kicked in!)
“the chick u were talking to, she said she was expecting someone all along, then u show up, and start talking!”
“Shit, I feel puzzled, bamboozled, and all the ….zled’s out there!!”
So let me skip to how nicely the tiles of Serena are, see they have these marble thingies, shiny stuff, u could lick them when they very well mopped, how do I know? I MOPPED THE BLOODY THIRD FLOOR!!
A tale of 2 beggars
Paul and Pearl are beggars, operating in 2 different domains of life, though both do the same thing, beg!
Paul (full names with held, for security reasons) is a street beggar, beginning the day at 8am, where he is airlifted, due to his swollen feet, to his corner just outside the post office building where he plies his trade. Years of experience have taught him to humbly stretch out his hand, with a sympathetic frown on his face, a deadly combo of sympathy and an expression of “life will end tomorrow, if u don’t sort me out now!”
Pearl, full names Pearl of Africa on the other hand, is a chap who often throws Paul some money, while on his way to his window office at the adjacent Bank of Uganda building. He sits on the 4th floor, and is responsible for making sure there’s enough money in the government coffers to run the budget!
Pearl usually tells Paul, after tossing him a coin or two, not to waste the money on un necessary things like bathing soap, he should try to eat as poorly as possible so as not to waste his money! Pearl also goes ahead and draws a “structural adjustment programme” for Paul, where he WILL not have any priorities of his own, but will be run by Pearl’s whims! For example Paul will NEVA buy Dettol soap, but will stick to the Key Blue Bar soap, that way, he will remain with bad skin, and heavy ring worms!
Pearl also instructs Paul to allow his many wives to dictate where Paul will be sitting to beg, despite Paul having control over himself!
Pearl, who practically lives off the fact that he is more powerful than Paul, gets the aura of a super human, and as long as he has more money, Paul will remain at his mercy for as long as Pearl works with BOU.
When we caught up with Pearl, he had just sat at his desk, his job being at risk, for the budget wasn’t going to work out, if he didn’t get some money ASAP! So Pearl also went to his street, in New York, where he sat down at that entrance of the World Bank building, stretched out his hand, with a sympathetic frown on his face, a deadly combo of sympathy and an expression of “life will end tomorrow, if u don’t sort me out now!”
World, whose first name is First, (First World, duuhhh) the tells Pearl how to live his life. He will not spend more money on Defence (dettol), but rather on anything else (key blue bar soap), he will allow all his wives to tell him where to sit and get the most money (multi-parties), he will also not do anything without asking World first (Structural Adjustment Program), so this way, World will feel so good, and cant live without the aura of invincibility, as long as Pearl remained a beggar!
So for all ye Africans who look down and frown at our beggars along the streets, just remember, that bugger u look up to, yes that one, who bought a new Lexus and has a high paying job at BOU, is a beggar, just like Paul, the Post Office chap!
Paul (full names with held, for security reasons) is a street beggar, beginning the day at 8am, where he is airlifted, due to his swollen feet, to his corner just outside the post office building where he plies his trade. Years of experience have taught him to humbly stretch out his hand, with a sympathetic frown on his face, a deadly combo of sympathy and an expression of “life will end tomorrow, if u don’t sort me out now!”
Pearl, full names Pearl of Africa on the other hand, is a chap who often throws Paul some money, while on his way to his window office at the adjacent Bank of Uganda building. He sits on the 4th floor, and is responsible for making sure there’s enough money in the government coffers to run the budget!
Pearl usually tells Paul, after tossing him a coin or two, not to waste the money on un necessary things like bathing soap, he should try to eat as poorly as possible so as not to waste his money! Pearl also goes ahead and draws a “structural adjustment programme” for Paul, where he WILL not have any priorities of his own, but will be run by Pearl’s whims! For example Paul will NEVA buy Dettol soap, but will stick to the Key Blue Bar soap, that way, he will remain with bad skin, and heavy ring worms!
Pearl also instructs Paul to allow his many wives to dictate where Paul will be sitting to beg, despite Paul having control over himself!
Pearl, who practically lives off the fact that he is more powerful than Paul, gets the aura of a super human, and as long as he has more money, Paul will remain at his mercy for as long as Pearl works with BOU.
When we caught up with Pearl, he had just sat at his desk, his job being at risk, for the budget wasn’t going to work out, if he didn’t get some money ASAP! So Pearl also went to his street, in New York, where he sat down at that entrance of the World Bank building, stretched out his hand, with a sympathetic frown on his face, a deadly combo of sympathy and an expression of “life will end tomorrow, if u don’t sort me out now!”
World, whose first name is First, (First World, duuhhh) the tells Pearl how to live his life. He will not spend more money on Defence (dettol), but rather on anything else (key blue bar soap), he will allow all his wives to tell him where to sit and get the most money (multi-parties), he will also not do anything without asking World first (Structural Adjustment Program), so this way, World will feel so good, and cant live without the aura of invincibility, as long as Pearl remained a beggar!
So for all ye Africans who look down and frown at our beggars along the streets, just remember, that bugger u look up to, yes that one, who bought a new Lexus and has a high paying job at BOU, is a beggar, just like Paul, the Post Office chap!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The medical check-up
Every corporate company requires at some point that all employees go for a routine medical checkup, fully paid from the corporate company’s coffers. My experience a couple of years ago while I still plied my trade with a large tax payer, was quite bizarre, why they wanted us checked I still don’t know!
So it was 9 am and my appointment was set at IHK on Jinja road! The architects of this clinic should be shot, and fed to the dogs coz they cause untold psychological suffering to we tie wearing, suit wielding citizens of the corporate world. How do u have a lobby in the middle of the loos and the exam room??!
Anywho, I walked in there, signed the usual paperwork and was sent to the doctor, a male chap, to my utter disappointment! He went thru the routine of touching my body, as if the Mariah Carey song, and even had the guts to feel my tummy, I hear “for appendicitis”. This was some rather gay shit! So he sent me to the lab, where this chick, fresh from campus, gave me cup to pee in! I had to walk all the way to the other end of the room, thru the reception, to the loo! I still cant figure out doctors, we men cant aim in a toilet bowl, and they still give us those tiny cups?! And when u start, its hard to stop, u may easily pee on yo self!
Heres the tricky part, walking back, through the reception, holding a cup of yo-wa pee! A guy who had a pint the previous night will be shaking the cup, poring drops of his own stuff along the way!
On this particular day, I met Marjorie, that ballistic new chic from Accounts, just stepping in for her check up! This chick was too hot, if she were royalty, we would refer to her as “Her Ballisticness Marjore”! Apparently when she looks in a mirror, a message appears “object in mirror is far cuter than actually seems”. This chick was too ballistic, I don’t even know why they sent her for a check, she was FINE!!
Anywho, trust God, or whoever that chap is thats responsible for embarrassing humans, Marjorie walked in, while I was headed to the lab, WITH PEE IN MY HAND!! She stretched out her palm to say hi, me always to step back, pee behind my back on my right hand, people seated behind me start smiling, having noticed the catch 22 situation I was in, and heres how; We were 2, and 20 people were watching, hence the catch 22 stuffs! Happy??
In a split of a second, I turned away from the chick, pee bottle moving on the side she couldn’t see, and straight to the lab, neva to greet the chick! So when I enter the lab, pissed as ever, I hand over the pee to the lab chick! She looked like she had just graduated, she’s like “put the pee on the sink there” with such a disgusted face, I wondered how she would examine the damn pee! Wat happened to old nurses who would just grab the bottle “give me the pee, senk u very many”, now they have to use scissors and shit to grab the cup!
Anywho, me always to walk out in disgust, signed the damn papers left over, and who do I meet? Marjorie, with a cup of pee!!!
So it was 9 am and my appointment was set at IHK on Jinja road! The architects of this clinic should be shot, and fed to the dogs coz they cause untold psychological suffering to we tie wearing, suit wielding citizens of the corporate world. How do u have a lobby in the middle of the loos and the exam room??!
Anywho, I walked in there, signed the usual paperwork and was sent to the doctor, a male chap, to my utter disappointment! He went thru the routine of touching my body, as if the Mariah Carey song, and even had the guts to feel my tummy, I hear “for appendicitis”. This was some rather gay shit! So he sent me to the lab, where this chick, fresh from campus, gave me cup to pee in! I had to walk all the way to the other end of the room, thru the reception, to the loo! I still cant figure out doctors, we men cant aim in a toilet bowl, and they still give us those tiny cups?! And when u start, its hard to stop, u may easily pee on yo self!
Heres the tricky part, walking back, through the reception, holding a cup of yo-wa pee! A guy who had a pint the previous night will be shaking the cup, poring drops of his own stuff along the way!
On this particular day, I met Marjorie, that ballistic new chic from Accounts, just stepping in for her check up! This chick was too hot, if she were royalty, we would refer to her as “Her Ballisticness Marjore”! Apparently when she looks in a mirror, a message appears “object in mirror is far cuter than actually seems”. This chick was too ballistic, I don’t even know why they sent her for a check, she was FINE!!
Anywho, trust God, or whoever that chap is thats responsible for embarrassing humans, Marjorie walked in, while I was headed to the lab, WITH PEE IN MY HAND!! She stretched out her palm to say hi, me always to step back, pee behind my back on my right hand, people seated behind me start smiling, having noticed the catch 22 situation I was in, and heres how; We were 2, and 20 people were watching, hence the catch 22 stuffs! Happy??
In a split of a second, I turned away from the chick, pee bottle moving on the side she couldn’t see, and straight to the lab, neva to greet the chick! So when I enter the lab, pissed as ever, I hand over the pee to the lab chick! She looked like she had just graduated, she’s like “put the pee on the sink there” with such a disgusted face, I wondered how she would examine the damn pee! Wat happened to old nurses who would just grab the bottle “give me the pee, senk u very many”, now they have to use scissors and shit to grab the cup!
Anywho, me always to walk out in disgust, signed the damn papers left over, and who do I meet? Marjorie, with a cup of pee!!!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Kids, judge a book by its kover
KIDS!!!
Am sure Lucifer, a.k.a satan, aka lord of the underground was a kid when God, aka the almighty one kicked his ass outta heaven, to the much more uncomfortable confines of firewalls, no, not the computer ones, the ones of hell!
Research has been trying to figure out why humans love their kids, despite all the bullshit we have to put up with. For example when they are just born and look like a cross of a Chinese and that other slimy character from Lord of the rings named Gollum, we lie to them that they are so pretty! Why?? I hav no clue!
The next sequence of events that occur in the relationship between the slimy bugger and the parents, is a nauseating experience that any first time parent will wish had never happened in the first place, coz the alarm clock will be discarded, replaced by the constant and unwarranted wailing at ANY given time of the night, by Gollum look-alike in its baby cot! Waking up at 1am, 2am and 2.30am become a part of your lives, just because “kiddie wants milk!”.
1 year later, after getting accustomed to the aforesaid punishment, little kiddie now starts to attempt to talk, and trust the mothers to learn the language so fast. The mums be like “a bujujujuuju swetetetettttt bujujujujuuuju”. We onlookers be like “what the hell is she saying?”. U can imagine the minister of state for defence is in her house playing with this little toddler, saying incoherent things like “baby bay baby u are choo cute, oh yecchhhh, u are cho cuute yech u are yech u are!!”. Then her assistant walks in with orders for more missiles, and she has to switch the language immediately to “look, we shall use the bazookas, armoured tanks and machine guns to corner them at winy kibul, then flush them out!” We onlookers be like “how do u do that? U are bi lingual?”
5 years later, the little bugger, now the life size of Gollum, attempts to start speaking, and says funny stuff, like “daddy, yuk, yuk, I did chuchu on my che-yef!!” “mommy, am sasitifaid, no more miyik”. We can put up with that at least!
8 years later, and the little buggers start lying, like our hard chap Richard Pryor put it, see he walked in the room and found the kid, and he was like
“who broke that glass?”
“huh?”
“Say, who broke that glass?”
“OK”
“So u broke ut?”
“OK, ama tell ya, u know wat happened?”
“(why would I ask?)”
“See first, I wasn’t even in here, first I was in the kitchen. Then….then, when I was in the kitchen, u know wat happened? U don know wat happened????? OK, ama tel ya! I came runnin in here, I wasn’t really runnin, rememba wen u told me not to run, when am in the house, uh ha? So I wasn’t really running, but my legs was moving so fast, looked like I was running, but I wasn’t really runnin runnin! Then when I came in here, that glass, it was already broke!! So I pushed the door, then abvkdfsgdsgfwejwe, then fell, then broken broken broken!! That’s wat happened!”
13 years later, they are pushing toys that use batteries, the stronger the battery, the better the toy, and the greater the respect in the neighbourhood! Bak in our day when we used to manually push our toys, the strongest toy belonged to that chap with the hoarsest voice, his toy was “too hard”.
But nonetheless, we were all like that once, IMPOSSIBLE to imagine!
2 - Judge a book by its cover!
We have been told countless times neva to judge a book by its cover. This elementary saying cuts across borders, and does not confine its meaning to just books, but goes on to people, movies just name it, but we are here to muse over certain “books”, in case we were to judge them by the cover.
1- Nakudata;
This is a popular song, whose title is not in contention, but the saying in the song that goes “aboogedde boogede bingi baagala tu chow-agane”. Literally, this means that haters want us to do the damn thang, translated directly, that is!
2- Memoirs of a geisha;
This was as if a hit movie, judging from the publicity it generated. But we were still puzzled why Ugandans didn’t receive it well, like “the last king of Scotland”, but probably its because Geisha is soap, with that slogan of “lasts for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever….” (crappy u think? Me too!). So its to our belief that no ugandan wanted to watch the life of some garbage piece of soap, we had already found nemo, and were not going back to the ocean to look for soap!
3- Dick Kasolo;
This can neva be a coincidence, how do u get 2 names, from 2 TOTALLY different dialects, founded in different civilisations, but both your names refer to the male genitalia! We know 2 chaps with this combo name, but that’s not coincidence, its destiny! Just know u are a dick!
4- 7 habits of highly effective people;
Unfortunately, some people bought this book to get help on how to effectively solve certain issues, like 1-“how to borrow money and get away without paying it” 2- “how to sleep with that girl in accounts, and u don’t call her the next day” 3- “how to not marry the girl from accounts” 4- “how to kill the guys who make beer adverts and say there are no hangovers” 5- “how to shoot bank sales executives who only tell u only 2 of the banks 21 charges” 6- “how to kill yo boss, and let everyone find out” 7 – “how to make the ATM machine fall in love with yo ATM card”
Instead, the damn book was telling us totally different garbage!
5- Who stole my cheese;
Apparently, this damn book is about business crap! We thought it was about this brilliant mouse that keeps stealing this guy’s cheese, and he was tryin to figure out who the hell this mouse was?
In a nut shell, judge the damn book by its cover, otherwise u’ll buy the wrong stuff!
Am sure Lucifer, a.k.a satan, aka lord of the underground was a kid when God, aka the almighty one kicked his ass outta heaven, to the much more uncomfortable confines of firewalls, no, not the computer ones, the ones of hell!
Research has been trying to figure out why humans love their kids, despite all the bullshit we have to put up with. For example when they are just born and look like a cross of a Chinese and that other slimy character from Lord of the rings named Gollum, we lie to them that they are so pretty! Why?? I hav no clue!
The next sequence of events that occur in the relationship between the slimy bugger and the parents, is a nauseating experience that any first time parent will wish had never happened in the first place, coz the alarm clock will be discarded, replaced by the constant and unwarranted wailing at ANY given time of the night, by Gollum look-alike in its baby cot! Waking up at 1am, 2am and 2.30am become a part of your lives, just because “kiddie wants milk!”.
1 year later, after getting accustomed to the aforesaid punishment, little kiddie now starts to attempt to talk, and trust the mothers to learn the language so fast. The mums be like “a bujujujuuju swetetetettttt bujujujujuuuju”. We onlookers be like “what the hell is she saying?”. U can imagine the minister of state for defence is in her house playing with this little toddler, saying incoherent things like “baby bay baby u are choo cute, oh yecchhhh, u are cho cuute yech u are yech u are!!”. Then her assistant walks in with orders for more missiles, and she has to switch the language immediately to “look, we shall use the bazookas, armoured tanks and machine guns to corner them at winy kibul, then flush them out!” We onlookers be like “how do u do that? U are bi lingual?”
5 years later, the little bugger, now the life size of Gollum, attempts to start speaking, and says funny stuff, like “daddy, yuk, yuk, I did chuchu on my che-yef!!” “mommy, am sasitifaid, no more miyik”. We can put up with that at least!
8 years later, and the little buggers start lying, like our hard chap Richard Pryor put it, see he walked in the room and found the kid, and he was like
“who broke that glass?”
“huh?”
“Say, who broke that glass?”
“OK”
“So u broke ut?”
“OK, ama tell ya, u know wat happened?”
“(why would I ask?)”
“See first, I wasn’t even in here, first I was in the kitchen. Then….then, when I was in the kitchen, u know wat happened? U don know wat happened????? OK, ama tel ya! I came runnin in here, I wasn’t really runnin, rememba wen u told me not to run, when am in the house, uh ha? So I wasn’t really running, but my legs was moving so fast, looked like I was running, but I wasn’t really runnin runnin! Then when I came in here, that glass, it was already broke!! So I pushed the door, then abvkdfsgdsgfwejwe, then fell, then broken broken broken!! That’s wat happened!”
13 years later, they are pushing toys that use batteries, the stronger the battery, the better the toy, and the greater the respect in the neighbourhood! Bak in our day when we used to manually push our toys, the strongest toy belonged to that chap with the hoarsest voice, his toy was “too hard”.
But nonetheless, we were all like that once, IMPOSSIBLE to imagine!
2 - Judge a book by its cover!
We have been told countless times neva to judge a book by its cover. This elementary saying cuts across borders, and does not confine its meaning to just books, but goes on to people, movies just name it, but we are here to muse over certain “books”, in case we were to judge them by the cover.
1- Nakudata;
This is a popular song, whose title is not in contention, but the saying in the song that goes “aboogedde boogede bingi baagala tu chow-agane”. Literally, this means that haters want us to do the damn thang, translated directly, that is!
2- Memoirs of a geisha;
This was as if a hit movie, judging from the publicity it generated. But we were still puzzled why Ugandans didn’t receive it well, like “the last king of Scotland”, but probably its because Geisha is soap, with that slogan of “lasts for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever….” (crappy u think? Me too!). So its to our belief that no ugandan wanted to watch the life of some garbage piece of soap, we had already found nemo, and were not going back to the ocean to look for soap!
3- Dick Kasolo;
This can neva be a coincidence, how do u get 2 names, from 2 TOTALLY different dialects, founded in different civilisations, but both your names refer to the male genitalia! We know 2 chaps with this combo name, but that’s not coincidence, its destiny! Just know u are a dick!
4- 7 habits of highly effective people;
Unfortunately, some people bought this book to get help on how to effectively solve certain issues, like 1-“how to borrow money and get away without paying it” 2- “how to sleep with that girl in accounts, and u don’t call her the next day” 3- “how to not marry the girl from accounts” 4- “how to kill the guys who make beer adverts and say there are no hangovers” 5- “how to shoot bank sales executives who only tell u only 2 of the banks 21 charges” 6- “how to kill yo boss, and let everyone find out” 7 – “how to make the ATM machine fall in love with yo ATM card”
Instead, the damn book was telling us totally different garbage!
5- Who stole my cheese;
Apparently, this damn book is about business crap! We thought it was about this brilliant mouse that keeps stealing this guy’s cheese, and he was tryin to figure out who the hell this mouse was?
In a nut shell, judge the damn book by its cover, otherwise u’ll buy the wrong stuff!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
George W Bush for Pope
The outgoing US idiot of a president and his administration have glaring similarities with the Vatican establishment in terms of how they run their duties, so “Dabya” as we Africans would spell it, is a strong contender t be the next “head of house” of the Vatican and this is how he would do it;
First off, he would declare “Osama Bin Satan” the chief terrorist of the world, and his agency “Al-hell”, the biggest terrorist organisation in the world! He would tell as that this organisation is not a direct enemy you can simply wipe out, and they are spreading their beliefs to many wanna be converts, by convincing them to drink lots of beer, and teaching them how to spread terror in dance halls by buying lots of alcohol and weed!
Dabya would increase the terror level by switching the terror colour every week, believers shall in the process learn all the other colours that are not in the rainbow! “this week the terror level is magenta” “that’s a colour?” “Yeah, as if purple, but not quite, however the point is, the terror level has increased” “why” “coz u bloody followers have reduced on the amounts u give as tithe, donations went down 5 per cent in the last religious quarter and “Al hell” is converting most of u to “porn again” beliefs! This is dangerous for our religion”
A week later, the terror colour would turn to “mag-nipple”! “that’s a colour?” “why do u idiots keep asking about the colour, instead of the terror alert reason?” “Coz we are growing more confused” “Ok, u seventh day absentists, mag-nipple is in between mangenta and purple, coz purple is at a higher threat level” “so why the alert this time” “Apparently Bin Satan has sent in other rogue angels that defected with him, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, don’t let their stupid brains fool ya, they are here to convert some of u to their porn-again beliefs!”
Dabya will easily be elected pope, coz his looks are not exactly much different from the current one. He will take on the name Pope George the “cuter, but not quite”. This factor will enable to sway the female vote to Al Hell, since they usually like cute chaps, which explains why Denzel Washingtons movies are huge hits, neva mind they don’t remember the titles, the plot or how the movie ended!
George “Dabya” Bush will endorse a military campaign in the caves of “underground”, where Bin Satan has been hiding since, well, ever!! However, underground is fire itself, so the bombs will only meet more fire, which wont be exactly an effective tool in fighting Al Hell. Tithe will be increased to 70% of believer’s incomes, after statutory deductions by the state, so that the Vatican can increase military spending. Jeb will be named the second in command, overseeing the area of electing cardinals, where the ballots will be rigged to allow Dick Cheney to be the next in line to be Pope, and prayers for disasters like Katrina will be said about a year after the disasters!
Confessions will no longer be required, as the Vatican will now pass a bill where wiretaps are installed on ALL people’s communications, phones, emails, conversations in bars and just about anywhere, so all sins will be forgiven depending on the support for military spending! “just say 5 “hail Barbara Bush’s” and donate to our military campaign, and your sins are forgiven!
First off, he would declare “Osama Bin Satan” the chief terrorist of the world, and his agency “Al-hell”, the biggest terrorist organisation in the world! He would tell as that this organisation is not a direct enemy you can simply wipe out, and they are spreading their beliefs to many wanna be converts, by convincing them to drink lots of beer, and teaching them how to spread terror in dance halls by buying lots of alcohol and weed!
Dabya would increase the terror level by switching the terror colour every week, believers shall in the process learn all the other colours that are not in the rainbow! “this week the terror level is magenta” “that’s a colour?” “Yeah, as if purple, but not quite, however the point is, the terror level has increased” “why” “coz u bloody followers have reduced on the amounts u give as tithe, donations went down 5 per cent in the last religious quarter and “Al hell” is converting most of u to “porn again” beliefs! This is dangerous for our religion”
A week later, the terror colour would turn to “mag-nipple”! “that’s a colour?” “why do u idiots keep asking about the colour, instead of the terror alert reason?” “Coz we are growing more confused” “Ok, u seventh day absentists, mag-nipple is in between mangenta and purple, coz purple is at a higher threat level” “so why the alert this time” “Apparently Bin Satan has sent in other rogue angels that defected with him, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, don’t let their stupid brains fool ya, they are here to convert some of u to their porn-again beliefs!”
Dabya will easily be elected pope, coz his looks are not exactly much different from the current one. He will take on the name Pope George the “cuter, but not quite”. This factor will enable to sway the female vote to Al Hell, since they usually like cute chaps, which explains why Denzel Washingtons movies are huge hits, neva mind they don’t remember the titles, the plot or how the movie ended!
George “Dabya” Bush will endorse a military campaign in the caves of “underground”, where Bin Satan has been hiding since, well, ever!! However, underground is fire itself, so the bombs will only meet more fire, which wont be exactly an effective tool in fighting Al Hell. Tithe will be increased to 70% of believer’s incomes, after statutory deductions by the state, so that the Vatican can increase military spending. Jeb will be named the second in command, overseeing the area of electing cardinals, where the ballots will be rigged to allow Dick Cheney to be the next in line to be Pope, and prayers for disasters like Katrina will be said about a year after the disasters!
Confessions will no longer be required, as the Vatican will now pass a bill where wiretaps are installed on ALL people’s communications, phones, emails, conversations in bars and just about anywhere, so all sins will be forgiven depending on the support for military spending! “just say 5 “hail Barbara Bush’s” and donate to our military campaign, and your sins are forgiven!
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