Church - crusher!

If u are saved, don’t read this, I still love the reputation u had of me, prior to this experience I had on a stray Sunday!

Now the thing is, there are so many make-shift churches cropping up from Ntinda all the way to Bweyogerere and Bugolobi, where the majority of Ugandans live, thanks to the “Free trade zone” the government has given to ANY church in the country, that means, don’t pay taxes, as long as your business revolves around using the bible as guidance, unlike those other businesses that worship books like “Think and grow rich”, “Rich Dad’s Cash flow Quadrant” and any book written by Donald Trump, yes, all the 73 of them!

Today’s story however occurred on a Sunday, when this make shift church went up, right across the road from where I live (“where I put up”, a local chick would say). Now I awoke at 9am, a strange hour for a retired chap, awoken not by the alarm clock, that was clearly set to 1pm, Zanzi time! The alarm sounds this time were the recognizable tunes of pianos, mixed with drums and strange noises that came in from people that sounded possessed, coz they were just confusing noises!

In an instant, I jumped out of my sticky sheets, since I had been sweating from a dream, where I was going to be cooked and eaten by the Marabu tribe of the Wachote clan, located in Australia (I bet u were picturing an African chiefdom, no, these were white Australian chaps!) and their noises were coherent with the church sound across the road. So I leap to the gate, to peep at what was going on, neva to just open the gate, since I had just been watching “Sometimes in April”, and whoever opened the gate suffered the fate of the Egyptian first borns who didn’t put a cross over their houses with lamb blood during those cursing years of Moses!

Anywho, I see people through the make-shift church windows, banging the walls of the church, walking around like they were trying to find the nearest exit, but just couldn’t. I remembered the Kanungu saga where all “followers” of the Prophet Kibwetere were burnt with no help, so I thought these chaps were on fire. By some bad omen, I also saw smoke come out of the church, which I later learnt was called inces, or some shit like that, normally used for prayer. One more letter, and that would have been INCEST!!

So I run to the church, to save all these innocent souls. The plan was to break into the windows and pull them out one by one, thus becoming their new saviour! I run to the door, and it looked closed, but not locked, so I pull it open, and everything comes to a sudden halt!! Quiet like a problem!! Everyone staring at me, even the music stops! The pastor came out to me, and led me to the front side, everyone looking, then he exclaimed “Our prayers have worked, this is salvation for anatha sinner, God has brought him here, lets help this helpless boy”

I said “whoa, hold your brakes sir, pastor, prophet, or whatever it is that u masquerade as, I am here to save U, from the inferno!”

“Son, its ok, we have seen more confused souls than yourself, just repent, accept Jesus in your life and u shall be born again”

“Says who” I ask,

“Jesus said it, John chapter 3 verse 3 Jesus replied "I will tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God”

I quckly interject, “but unfortunately u didn’t say the rest of the context in which he said it, coz he also says in chapter 4 to 7 which goes,
4 - "What do you mean?" exclaimed Nicodemus. "How can an old man go back into his mother's womb and be born again?"
5 - Jesus replied, "I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the spirit.
6 - Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life.
7 - So don't be surprised when I say, "You must be born again".

As a seventh day absentist, I rememba that water stuffs when I was still young, was washed over me by the local parish priest, so liv me alone!! I was born again! Even every 31st of March of every year, am born again. Even every Christmas, Jesus is born again! Sori for bothering u, I was just trying to help, but can u please keep yo volume down, I have to be asleep till 1pm, kapish??