It all starts with some guy in a garden, probably full of apple trees, and this chick, ballistic like chocolate ice cream, just bored, wondering around doin' nadda! Then the slithering object, named snake, wanting some action since Pastro Sempa wasn't available to show porn, tells the guy to eat an apple, which would not only "enlarge his manhood", but also show him "how to make her scream", like some dirty poster on a Kampala street pole!
After the snake had enjoyed watching a free porn flick, the big guy, aka Gad (according to some chap named Kayanja) was pissed off with these displays of affection, and sent these guys to "earth" where they would toil, riot, burn up tombs and shoot each other, for eternity. All this shit, just because of a chow.....recently, according to Mr Pryor, Gad showed up in town, and went straight to the Pope's crib, and started asking him questions....
"Erm, my man, there's a chap named Martin Luther King, he used to send me nice prayers, where is he, I want to see the guy..."
"Erm, he was shot dead, by one of us!"
"Well, fine then, send me some chap named Kennedy, he had some nice prayers too...."
"Erm, he was shot dead too sir..."
"Okay, what about this guy....er, Mahatma Ghandi, I loved his stuff.."
"Sir, he was also shot dead..."
"What?? All the guys with nice prayers were shot dead? It wasn't even my angels that decided?? Okay fine, let me just see my son....I sent him down here too..."
*Richard Pryor
Part of the "toiling" prescribed by Gad, involves us doing shit coz we got too much knowledge. Greed takes over, like the chaps that committed the Rwanda genocide, the chaps that incited the Kenyans to panga themselves after the elections, and now the chaps trying to incite the baganda against the rest. The buganda parliament has now called for an inquiry not only on the Kasubi tombs fires, but also the Budo fires and the Mutukula train fires of the late 80's. They fell just short of calling for an inquiry of the Namugongo matyrs fires (according to the Interior Minister) and also an independent inquiry into the fire that Moses saw, the burning bush that told him to take his smelly shoes off before approaching "Gad".
Aside from the "political" toiling, we civilians are subjected to harsh conditions of life, known as "corporate" bullshit. The advanced world has "9 to 5" jobs, while we here have to report by 7.59 am to like 6.30 pm, and only have nice ID's to show for it.
While at work, the torture continues....
1 - Cliques - There will always be the fellas that attended so called "top schools" like SMACK, Namilyango and Budo. The Budo fellaz will always hang at their own table at lunch time at the staff cafeteria,and STRICTLY get their information from "Time", "Economist" and "Newsweek" which they download from their "iPhones". Last week, these lumpens were discussing the "Obama Health reform Bill" while the "others" were discussing the Kasubi tomb fires and it's effect on how we shall go home if there are riots. Budo chaps were like (in axa) "what's this kasuuubee shit?"
2 - It's all about me - Chaps will always give you a piece of their minds - like u give a shit! A guy will tell you how he is fasting chows till easter.....like we care! Lumpens like this are trying to show how macho they are, advertising their private lives (or lack of) as if we asked, and you have to hang with them because the Human Resource Department has introduced a "team building exercise" where you have to know the co-worker better, as if the torture of being around the clown from 8 am to 7 bloody pm aint enough!
3 - The boss who's jokes are always funny - Ever realise how when a boss says anything, we (slaves) laugh? Boss is like "man, last night i slept at 1am, i wish i was still young like you guys, i would have slept at 3 am, in my days, i was a gangster..." "hahahahahahahahahaha, boss, nga u are funny!" The shit we do just to live! Real "toiling i tell ya".
4 - The "organigram" - "Look you little punk, you shall report to the regional sales manager, if he is not there, that's when you shall look for the Sales manager, but never, i repeat, NEVER go to the Sales Manager without going thru yo immediate boss....kapish????...and oh, never look at the Sales manager directly in the eyes, that's a show of defiance, he is a king to you, if his tombs ever get burnt...oh wait, once he has left office, u are safe"
5 - Access levels - The IT chap hands you an ID, it only lets you in doors from the 1st floor to the 3rd floor, coz that's where you diploma holders stop. If you go to the 4th floor before a clearance, u shall duly receive a warning letter from yo superiors, well that's unless you are a chick and the 4th floor Sales Manager has "lent" you his card, which he forgot in yo bedroom!!
6 - Statutory deductions - After the interview, you told your mom you could now afford the 6 million shilling car she wanted, if only she can wait just 10 months, coz you was earning 600,000 bucks a month godamit."....SCREEECHH...HALT!" Screams the company accountant! Well, we have to remove 5% NSSF, 30% PAYE, 5,000 Local Service tax....blah blah. Your dime is actually 410,000 a month, sorry for the previous misinformation, luckily, u have already signed a 7 year contract!! Oops!!
7 - Ah what the heck, we were sent to toil, and toil we shall (and whine about it like we have shit else to do). No wonder we hate snakes!!
But there's an option, play Go Lotto, scatch MTN airtime of 2k a day and win the freakin house outright, buy a Celtel sim card and win the fridge to put in the house u won from MTN, marry Sam Kuteesa's daughter, open a Stanbic account and win a trip to South Africa fro the world cup then marry a white chick while there......e.t.c
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Statistics....
Statistitians: Chaps that play around with figures and then give us the deadly "findings".
Never play with these chaps, the stuff they say is usually "as if true", until the day another one of them finds otherwise. They will tell you of heavy words like "methodology", which were not even used in the bible, the most complex book of 'em all. They be like "these findings were got through the "methodology" of interviews, both oral and written, plus a small amount of "observation" from the sidelines. How they come up with the percentages however, is anatha story.
Most statistics are scaringly true, for example, 97.3 percent of humans are likely to get cancer, that way, however much you work out, amass dimes, own cars with only airbags and shit, Dr Death will figure out a certain cancer to throw at yo "careful" ass!
Apparently, more than 50% of humans live in poverty, so it's not just me, phewks, relief!
The statisticians I have TOTALLY failed to understand are those that are based at the "Statistics Division" of Kfm International University of radio stuff. These unapologetic punks forge all sorts of statistics and advertise them with impunity, no apologies, as if they are an African government! Their statiticians have figured that "methodology" might be a word that relates to hard stuff like Biology and stuff, they sound alike anyway. So they came up with their own way of presenting "facts", but these facts are SUPPOSED to rhyme with the number of their fm frequency channel, 93.3! Pur example,
93.3% of people know Micheal Jackson......
6.7% of the rest don't eat biscuits......
Kfm....playing the best music....and blah blah..
Question 1 - how did you know this stuff?
2 - What does that ad even mean?
The chap who came up with the "one out of 10 people are mad" is also astounding. How did he know this shit? Maybe he was chilling at Zone 7, and he sat at every table with ten chaps, and figured 1 of them always said some crazy shit, like "my mom's a real bitch, can u believe the shit she asked me to do today....mbu take her to visit some relas.....", now that's the crazy fella, out of the 9 others, and voila, a statistic!
Some other statistics to muse over, by this ballistic statistician from near Kfm;
1 - 100% of humans will die at least once in their lifetime.
2 - 99% of humans live only on oxygen, 0 % inhale CO2. Bobi Swine (1%), inhales weed smoke.
3 - 100% of politicians will break 98% of their promises. 2% will be achieved by mistake.
4 - 90% of taxi operators never shower.......for 4 straight months!
5 - 99% of Budo fellows will mention "budonian" at least 23 times a day.
6 - 98% of Warid subscribers are there for the free calls, 2% work there, it's unfortunately compulsory.
7 - 95% of houseboys have ever used insecticide as a deodorant.
8 - 98% of chicks can't reverse park! 2% that do, were once men!
9 - 94% of men who buy red pepper do so for the pictures!
10 - And finally........100% of chicks have a pink pillow.....or not!!
Never play with these chaps, the stuff they say is usually "as if true", until the day another one of them finds otherwise. They will tell you of heavy words like "methodology", which were not even used in the bible, the most complex book of 'em all. They be like "these findings were got through the "methodology" of interviews, both oral and written, plus a small amount of "observation" from the sidelines. How they come up with the percentages however, is anatha story.
Most statistics are scaringly true, for example, 97.3 percent of humans are likely to get cancer, that way, however much you work out, amass dimes, own cars with only airbags and shit, Dr Death will figure out a certain cancer to throw at yo "careful" ass!
Apparently, more than 50% of humans live in poverty, so it's not just me, phewks, relief!
The statisticians I have TOTALLY failed to understand are those that are based at the "Statistics Division" of Kfm International University of radio stuff. These unapologetic punks forge all sorts of statistics and advertise them with impunity, no apologies, as if they are an African government! Their statiticians have figured that "methodology" might be a word that relates to hard stuff like Biology and stuff, they sound alike anyway. So they came up with their own way of presenting "facts", but these facts are SUPPOSED to rhyme with the number of their fm frequency channel, 93.3! Pur example,
93.3% of people know Micheal Jackson......
6.7% of the rest don't eat biscuits......
Kfm....playing the best music....and blah blah..
Question 1 - how did you know this stuff?
2 - What does that ad even mean?
The chap who came up with the "one out of 10 people are mad" is also astounding. How did he know this shit? Maybe he was chilling at Zone 7, and he sat at every table with ten chaps, and figured 1 of them always said some crazy shit, like "my mom's a real bitch, can u believe the shit she asked me to do today....mbu take her to visit some relas.....", now that's the crazy fella, out of the 9 others, and voila, a statistic!
Some other statistics to muse over, by this ballistic statistician from near Kfm;
1 - 100% of humans will die at least once in their lifetime.
2 - 99% of humans live only on oxygen, 0 % inhale CO2. Bobi Swine (1%), inhales weed smoke.
3 - 100% of politicians will break 98% of their promises. 2% will be achieved by mistake.
4 - 90% of taxi operators never shower.......for 4 straight months!
5 - 99% of Budo fellows will mention "budonian" at least 23 times a day.
6 - 98% of Warid subscribers are there for the free calls, 2% work there, it's unfortunately compulsory.
7 - 95% of houseboys have ever used insecticide as a deodorant.
8 - 98% of chicks can't reverse park! 2% that do, were once men!
9 - 94% of men who buy red pepper do so for the pictures!
10 - And finally........100% of chicks have a pink pillow.....or not!!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Thesis!!
A thesis: A treatise advancing a new point of view resulting from research; usually a requirement for an advanced academic degree……and that’s according to that dictionary chap.
When Ashy said she was bogged down by this thesis thingy, I thought it was some religious stuff, but my friend encyclopaedia corrected me, stating that the religious thingy was theology, not thesis. As a professional lounger with a pass degree to show for it, the hardest work on paper I have ever had to do was called dissertation, and that cost me 70 thou bucks to get done with (that’s what I really worked hard for, the 70 thou!).
Since the Prez Museveni was recently given an honorary PhD from Makerere and Mugabe got his from some uni in Washington, I know I will also get a PhD without writing this intellectual stuff, heck, even Gordon Wavamunno, that chap that dropped out in P4 has a PhD, honorary of course, and they say money cant buy shit, this guy purchased a freakin PhD. In P5, we learnt that fish have gills, and since this Wavah chap never reached there, he has no freakin idea how fish breathe, he just knows it can come as fillet sometimes, but he has a Phd godamit!! All I need now is to figure a way to get dimes and I shall be a Doctor, or better yet, write my own thesis, and here’s what it’ll look like.
THE CO-RELATION BETWEEN PINTS AND IT’S
EFFECT ON THE TAX COLLECTED
BY
SOME CHAP THAT REALLY WANTS THIS DEGREE THINGY
A THESIS SUBMITED IN PARTIAL FULFILMENT / BUT IF SHIT JAMS,
IN TOTAL FULFILMENT, OF THE BALLISTIC PhD IN
QUANTIFIED BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS OF DRUNKARDS
AND THEIR EFFECTS ON THE ECONOMY, IN TERMS OF DIME
UNIVERSITY OF STUDIES, KATI KATI
2010
Approved by: Jackson, the head bar chap.
Abstract:
(the stuff that shall be subtracted from the main stuff, as if a ki summary)
The study shall show that the taxes collected from drunkards in form of the dime they spend buying pints fetches a ki surcharge of 18% VAT, plus the profit we pay the bar owning chaps that they shall return to u government punks as income tax at the year’s end, therefore closing our bars at 10pm affects you, silly mongoose legislators.
Table of contents:
Well, the table I am using right now has a laptop, calculator and a desk calendar, and oh, a ka glass with some pint in it. Those are the contents on my table.
List of figures:
There are no figures, just words.
Acknowledgements:
Well, where can I start. First off, ad like to send massive big ups to the crew that play ol skool videos at Iguana, ya’ll inspired me to stay up till late, and oh, just before I forget, ad like to send a shout out to the Professor of this Doctorate, u chap, u are too bright, u should take up a career in the Ministry of Finance and earn real dimes, why waste time lecturing and earning groundnuts, sorry, the word is peanuts. And as a by the way, I would also like to thank whoever paid fees for this damn course.
Glossary:
I will have a couple of apples, bread, milk and jam……shit, that’s grocery!! To be honest, I have no idea what a freakin glossary is, will just wait to get rich, and win this PhD outright, or better yet, start a guerrilla war and be on the path of Mugabe, I just wont kick out the white guys, coz the honorary degree is usually rescinded…phewks, finally, a big word, rescinded!
Appendix:
The thing that is usually cut out when we eat too many stones, which is why you should settle for packed rice like Tilda or Basmati, this shit in sacks from Nakasero market will mess u up, the doctor will be signing appendicitis on yo health form, ya, the one you shall be sending to AAR for a re-imbusrsment.
Chapter 1:
How pints create dimes;
During happy hour, research, my research which am printing right now so u give me heavy marks, has shown that Africans buy pints by the crate, which means 24 pints times 18% VAT goes to the government fund. Since this drunkard bugger shall be bored at the happy hour bar, he / she shall make a phone call for back up at the bar, where the phone company shall take 18% VAT on the call cost. His friend shall drive to the bar, but shall first buy fuel, where government earns 700/= off each liter he has paid for, bet u didn’t know that, professor guy! After this, in a state of highness, he shall want to go to Ange Noir to shake off the day’s stress, and thereafter, head home. Matter of fact, whenever there are riots, ONLY bars operate as usual, drunkards don’t give a shit, just like constipated people, they too don’t give a shit!
Now let’s look ate the highest sources of revenue to be stolen by government chaps, and see their relation to the story above;
1 – MTN pays the highest tax, because the drunkard called his buddies for a pint.
2 – Shell U pays second highest, because the drunkard drove to the bar and a disco.
3 – Nile Breweries squeezes in at number 3, no reason required.
4 – Ange Noir, surprisingly comes in before Caltex and Total, because of drunkards.
5 – Britania Industries – now where the hell have these juice and biscuit making punks come in from, spoiling the entire argument being dissected, freakin teetotallers!!
Chapter 2:
Professor, if you really can’t see how we drunkards are pushing this economy, then I give up. It’s all good, al buy yo stupid doctorate……wait what? you liked it? Am chooo chowiii I said it’s a stupid doctorate, I was playing. Now, if you can kindly send this thesis to those public fund – munching geese going to close our bars at 10 pm and advance our cause…..sench u punk! Now go read something, u have a new student coming in…am out!
When Ashy said she was bogged down by this thesis thingy, I thought it was some religious stuff, but my friend encyclopaedia corrected me, stating that the religious thingy was theology, not thesis. As a professional lounger with a pass degree to show for it, the hardest work on paper I have ever had to do was called dissertation, and that cost me 70 thou bucks to get done with (that’s what I really worked hard for, the 70 thou!).
Since the Prez Museveni was recently given an honorary PhD from Makerere and Mugabe got his from some uni in Washington, I know I will also get a PhD without writing this intellectual stuff, heck, even Gordon Wavamunno, that chap that dropped out in P4 has a PhD, honorary of course, and they say money cant buy shit, this guy purchased a freakin PhD. In P5, we learnt that fish have gills, and since this Wavah chap never reached there, he has no freakin idea how fish breathe, he just knows it can come as fillet sometimes, but he has a Phd godamit!! All I need now is to figure a way to get dimes and I shall be a Doctor, or better yet, write my own thesis, and here’s what it’ll look like.
THE CO-RELATION BETWEEN PINTS AND IT’S
EFFECT ON THE TAX COLLECTED
BY
SOME CHAP THAT REALLY WANTS THIS DEGREE THINGY
A THESIS SUBMITED IN PARTIAL FULFILMENT / BUT IF SHIT JAMS,
IN TOTAL FULFILMENT, OF THE BALLISTIC PhD IN
QUANTIFIED BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS OF DRUNKARDS
AND THEIR EFFECTS ON THE ECONOMY, IN TERMS OF DIME
UNIVERSITY OF STUDIES, KATI KATI
2010
Approved by: Jackson, the head bar chap.
Abstract:
(the stuff that shall be subtracted from the main stuff, as if a ki summary)
The study shall show that the taxes collected from drunkards in form of the dime they spend buying pints fetches a ki surcharge of 18% VAT, plus the profit we pay the bar owning chaps that they shall return to u government punks as income tax at the year’s end, therefore closing our bars at 10pm affects you, silly mongoose legislators.
Table of contents:
Well, the table I am using right now has a laptop, calculator and a desk calendar, and oh, a ka glass with some pint in it. Those are the contents on my table.
List of figures:
There are no figures, just words.
Acknowledgements:
Well, where can I start. First off, ad like to send massive big ups to the crew that play ol skool videos at Iguana, ya’ll inspired me to stay up till late, and oh, just before I forget, ad like to send a shout out to the Professor of this Doctorate, u chap, u are too bright, u should take up a career in the Ministry of Finance and earn real dimes, why waste time lecturing and earning groundnuts, sorry, the word is peanuts. And as a by the way, I would also like to thank whoever paid fees for this damn course.
Glossary:
I will have a couple of apples, bread, milk and jam……shit, that’s grocery!! To be honest, I have no idea what a freakin glossary is, will just wait to get rich, and win this PhD outright, or better yet, start a guerrilla war and be on the path of Mugabe, I just wont kick out the white guys, coz the honorary degree is usually rescinded…phewks, finally, a big word, rescinded!
Appendix:
The thing that is usually cut out when we eat too many stones, which is why you should settle for packed rice like Tilda or Basmati, this shit in sacks from Nakasero market will mess u up, the doctor will be signing appendicitis on yo health form, ya, the one you shall be sending to AAR for a re-imbusrsment.
Chapter 1:
How pints create dimes;
During happy hour, research, my research which am printing right now so u give me heavy marks, has shown that Africans buy pints by the crate, which means 24 pints times 18% VAT goes to the government fund. Since this drunkard bugger shall be bored at the happy hour bar, he / she shall make a phone call for back up at the bar, where the phone company shall take 18% VAT on the call cost. His friend shall drive to the bar, but shall first buy fuel, where government earns 700/= off each liter he has paid for, bet u didn’t know that, professor guy! After this, in a state of highness, he shall want to go to Ange Noir to shake off the day’s stress, and thereafter, head home. Matter of fact, whenever there are riots, ONLY bars operate as usual, drunkards don’t give a shit, just like constipated people, they too don’t give a shit!
Now let’s look ate the highest sources of revenue to be stolen by government chaps, and see their relation to the story above;
1 – MTN pays the highest tax, because the drunkard called his buddies for a pint.
2 – Shell U pays second highest, because the drunkard drove to the bar and a disco.
3 – Nile Breweries squeezes in at number 3, no reason required.
4 – Ange Noir, surprisingly comes in before Caltex and Total, because of drunkards.
5 – Britania Industries – now where the hell have these juice and biscuit making punks come in from, spoiling the entire argument being dissected, freakin teetotallers!!
Chapter 2:
Professor, if you really can’t see how we drunkards are pushing this economy, then I give up. It’s all good, al buy yo stupid doctorate……wait what? you liked it? Am chooo chowiii I said it’s a stupid doctorate, I was playing. Now, if you can kindly send this thesis to those public fund – munching geese going to close our bars at 10 pm and advance our cause…..sench u punk! Now go read something, u have a new student coming in…am out!
State of Affairs!!
Parliamentary Accounts Committee, a place where chaps are questioned and made to look like little children who have failed exams. Take for instance the appearance by the chap that dries himself with dimes after a shower, a one Sam Kuteesa,
MP: So tell me, young man, who authorised you to lease those cars, from a company that you used to own, but sold the shares just before you agreed to the deal?
SK: Chill out man, even the president was there….
MP: That’s not an answer punk…..
SK: I would like the ring leader of this circus to ask this particular MP not to even talk, he is extending Sembabule matters to CHOGM. This bugger called me a CHOGM goon just here here last week in front of the President!!! Can u imagine this shit!! In front of the President…..am here trying to get to heaven and u call me a thief in front of GOD??? Tell him to muzzle his nugget!
Ring leader of the circus: MP, u are out of order. I am therefore putting that MP seated next to you in charge of you, he is to contain you, like a hungry rottweiler that has just spotted a fresh pack of frankfurters! Go on CHOGM goon……sorry, honourable Minister..
SK: Anyway, me it wasn’t me…
Same thing happened when the VP was called up…..”it was the President!”
The circus is however amusing, considering that La Tormentor has failed to live up to it’s billing. The only free drama comes at news time.
The NFA boss, ya, that chap that secretly opened a bank under his bed, without a BOU licence, without the clearance from the Ministry of Finance, and had the audacity to make an opening deposit of 900 million shillings, with no taxes on the bank charges, was finally arrested, but for totally different shit…..he caused the government to lose 3.2 billion shillings, like that’s dime!! It’s still not known whether this includes the 900 million that was western unioned by the wife from the Universal Bank of Under the Bed to some un known destinations.
What the IGG is saying (he’s the chap that’s arresting the bushy fellow – he runs Forestry, he’s got to be bushy) that this Bank Founder entered a deal with some stray chaps, to help re-build some forests, it’s not known how this was going to be done, but general thinking tells us that this money was going to be used to probably buy used Christmas trees, those plastic ones from Game, and populate some forests with a new breed of trees.
Unfortunately, some technocrats, as they call these buggers, said this was no good deal, so it was cancelled!!
Shit!!!
That’s exactly what the guys who had lost the contract wailed, as they went to court.
Just before their lawyer set his left foot in the court premises, he heard a beep on his phone!
He checked it!!
It was the NFA boss!!
He called back!!
He was told to settle out of court, for a reasonable small fee of just 3.2 billion shillings!!
He accepted!!
They probably shared it, coz the IGG wasn’t on their shit of “the learned friends agreed…..” he probably suspected that the 900 million that was used to set up the “Universal Bank of under the bed” was maybe a kick back from this dime. These chaps didn’t even have the heart to spare some of this loot for “Sanyu Babies home” or the “Cancer ward”, they just chewed the dimes.
Which is why he is in prison, as we speak…..no, as we type!
But sadly, as the days rode by, some idiots went and burnt up the Kasubi tombs, like they had no other shit to do. Well, humans will stop at nothing to get whatever they want. Some guys, pissed off probably with the government, will do anything to cause trouble, like burn up a 125 year old structure. Why don’t they just burn up the billboards at the airstrip? They are like 2 years old, and make no freakin sense!
Out is out.
MP: So tell me, young man, who authorised you to lease those cars, from a company that you used to own, but sold the shares just before you agreed to the deal?
SK: Chill out man, even the president was there….
MP: That’s not an answer punk…..
SK: I would like the ring leader of this circus to ask this particular MP not to even talk, he is extending Sembabule matters to CHOGM. This bugger called me a CHOGM goon just here here last week in front of the President!!! Can u imagine this shit!! In front of the President…..am here trying to get to heaven and u call me a thief in front of GOD??? Tell him to muzzle his nugget!
Ring leader of the circus: MP, u are out of order. I am therefore putting that MP seated next to you in charge of you, he is to contain you, like a hungry rottweiler that has just spotted a fresh pack of frankfurters! Go on CHOGM goon……sorry, honourable Minister..
SK: Anyway, me it wasn’t me…
Same thing happened when the VP was called up…..”it was the President!”
The circus is however amusing, considering that La Tormentor has failed to live up to it’s billing. The only free drama comes at news time.
The NFA boss, ya, that chap that secretly opened a bank under his bed, without a BOU licence, without the clearance from the Ministry of Finance, and had the audacity to make an opening deposit of 900 million shillings, with no taxes on the bank charges, was finally arrested, but for totally different shit…..he caused the government to lose 3.2 billion shillings, like that’s dime!! It’s still not known whether this includes the 900 million that was western unioned by the wife from the Universal Bank of Under the Bed to some un known destinations.
What the IGG is saying (he’s the chap that’s arresting the bushy fellow – he runs Forestry, he’s got to be bushy) that this Bank Founder entered a deal with some stray chaps, to help re-build some forests, it’s not known how this was going to be done, but general thinking tells us that this money was going to be used to probably buy used Christmas trees, those plastic ones from Game, and populate some forests with a new breed of trees.
Unfortunately, some technocrats, as they call these buggers, said this was no good deal, so it was cancelled!!
Shit!!!
That’s exactly what the guys who had lost the contract wailed, as they went to court.
Just before their lawyer set his left foot in the court premises, he heard a beep on his phone!
He checked it!!
It was the NFA boss!!
He called back!!
He was told to settle out of court, for a reasonable small fee of just 3.2 billion shillings!!
He accepted!!
They probably shared it, coz the IGG wasn’t on their shit of “the learned friends agreed…..” he probably suspected that the 900 million that was used to set up the “Universal Bank of under the bed” was maybe a kick back from this dime. These chaps didn’t even have the heart to spare some of this loot for “Sanyu Babies home” or the “Cancer ward”, they just chewed the dimes.
Which is why he is in prison, as we speak…..no, as we type!
But sadly, as the days rode by, some idiots went and burnt up the Kasubi tombs, like they had no other shit to do. Well, humans will stop at nothing to get whatever they want. Some guys, pissed off probably with the government, will do anything to cause trouble, like burn up a 125 year old structure. Why don’t they just burn up the billboards at the airstrip? They are like 2 years old, and make no freakin sense!
Out is out.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Mo Money.....Mo Pints!!
Prices of common stuff are going high, like Bobi Wine after smoking his breakfast! And it ALL starts with fuel. Petrol has sky-rocketed to 2,700 bucks a liter, that’s a hell lot of dimes. Unbelievably, even punks that sell beer, a commodity whose cost prices last increased when the current President was serving his First term in office…..and that’s a freakin long time ago, have also raised their prices.
A silly bar out of town that barely gets 5 people everyday, is also selling a pint at almost 3,000 bucks, they should shut these bastards down at 10pm! But wait, at the Serena, a pint is 7,000 bucks, and that excludes the freakin tip! Shit…we’re dead!!
Watching NTV Kenya the other day (thanks largely to cable) was a parliamentary proceeding, the MP’s, who obviously knew they were on TV, and who obviously knew that cable had brought it to the living rooms of KIU, were “demanding” that the government slashes electricity tariffs, immediately, no those of those of sijui cabinet sub-committee going through the “demands” again! Unfortunately, NTV K had hired a muzungu man, with an accent that’s twice the heaviness of Seanice, that morning show host that says “duh” and “cant nobody do that no more”, giving us the false impression that we are in LA, just before a cloud of dust hits our eyes like a freaking mudslide with no water in it……erm, where was we, ah, the commentator on NTV Original, yes, he ripped into the MP’s like they do to government coffers, this character was like;
“First off, Kenya’s dam that has been producing elec since….well, about the 1940’s, has had the same capacity, meaning they had to bring in generators, which by the way use gas, that’s erm, diesll’ 'n shit. The increasing world prices of fuel mean that the cost of runnin these gensets shall obviously be high, unless of course the MP’s slash their salaries and this buys the fuel, which they obviously won’t…….”You could cut “Kenya” and paste “Uganda” and the exact same scenario would play out.
The price of fuel impacts on transport, coz lorries fetching those cows whose legs be dangerously dangling off the back of the truck, causes the price of meat to go up, and so does the charcoal and other stuff, meaning food becomes more expensive.
Taxi chaps also do the same, and landlords not wanting to miss out on this new craze, like thongs in the late 90’s, also increase prices. The only punks that NEVER join this bandwagon, for reasons we have failed to understand, are corporate bullshit employers and their contracts! So if you signed a 5 year contract to earn “………… (insert little dimes here) shillings per month before statutory deductions and any other bullshit losses you may cause the company, directly or indirectly through yo negligent and incompetent ass”, it wont matter that a beer used to cost 2,000 bucks when you joined the company and it’s now 3,000, just figure some other shit you have to sacrifice, for example u can lay off buying mobile phones for that ballistic campus chick named “Rihanna”, that’ll be a start! Go for “Getrude” instead, she’ll settle for a salon appointment at Wandegs, riot or no riot, and you are game. Plus, the whole salon experience will cost you just about 2,500 bucks, way less than a pint. I mean what the hell does Getrude need, just a charcoal stove and a freakin hot comb, and she'll feel twice as ballistic as that little “Rihanna” bitch, after having her hair, and bits of her scalp burnt like roasted pork at a stand outside Kyadondo rugby club! But word of advice,never let her use yo pillow, coz that hot-combed hair stinks like used socks godamit!! With some steam on 'em.....
Water, on the contrary, is the only commodity whose prices never seem to go up in a way that will impact on yo life….and yet some punks still default on water payments! How are u going to default on a monthly bill of 8,000 bucks? Seriously! U belong with rioters (and boda riders with no helmets, and diseases like "scabies", that shit of the 70's that just doesnt leave some lumpens alone)! That’s just 8 rolexes, and those don’t even have cabbages and stuff! And u default! And these are the guys u will find at Cineplex with 3 bu chicks, nga they don’t even have water at home. Sometimes they just use a roll on and go to work, u can usually sniff ‘em out at lunch time when the kasana has come out blazing like Nobert Mao thinking he has finally made it! If water had been expensive, it would have been hard for Jesus to turn it into wine, coz no one would be willing to give up their water “for some experiment by some stray magician guy”.
What if instead of oil, water was the thing? Only the chaps in Sudan would be suffering, oh and the Karamoja chaps too. That Ahmadinajad chap would never say “nuclear” in his life. Ghaddafi would be “the queen of queens” and the king of Bunyoro would never talk shit, mbu “the Ankole people should rise up for their kingdom!”. This chap was happy with the 1994 Pajero the government had given him, till they told him he had oil in his backyard. Heck, the chap was elected “the chairman of the kings” recently! The shit oil can do for ya!
If water used to power cars, chaps would be selling plots of water at the Pacific Ocean. Property masters would have an office in the middle of Lake Victoria. Taxi touts wouldn’t exist. The war over Migingo would be so on. Fish would be praying to God everyday “save us from extinction sir….the humans only think of themselves…those sons ‘o bitches!!”
Well, after all is said and done….money makes the world go round. However, unlike the popular saying, more money, more problems, wisely used, the saying is ammended (as if some parliamentary bullshit) to Mo Money Mo Pints!! But less electricity, and fewer campus chicks…..so spend wisely, before 10pm when the bars close!
A silly bar out of town that barely gets 5 people everyday, is also selling a pint at almost 3,000 bucks, they should shut these bastards down at 10pm! But wait, at the Serena, a pint is 7,000 bucks, and that excludes the freakin tip! Shit…we’re dead!!
Watching NTV Kenya the other day (thanks largely to cable) was a parliamentary proceeding, the MP’s, who obviously knew they were on TV, and who obviously knew that cable had brought it to the living rooms of KIU, were “demanding” that the government slashes electricity tariffs, immediately, no those of those of sijui cabinet sub-committee going through the “demands” again! Unfortunately, NTV K had hired a muzungu man, with an accent that’s twice the heaviness of Seanice, that morning show host that says “duh” and “cant nobody do that no more”, giving us the false impression that we are in LA, just before a cloud of dust hits our eyes like a freaking mudslide with no water in it……erm, where was we, ah, the commentator on NTV Original, yes, he ripped into the MP’s like they do to government coffers, this character was like;
“First off, Kenya’s dam that has been producing elec since….well, about the 1940’s, has had the same capacity, meaning they had to bring in generators, which by the way use gas, that’s erm, diesll’ 'n shit. The increasing world prices of fuel mean that the cost of runnin these gensets shall obviously be high, unless of course the MP’s slash their salaries and this buys the fuel, which they obviously won’t…….”You could cut “Kenya” and paste “Uganda” and the exact same scenario would play out.
The price of fuel impacts on transport, coz lorries fetching those cows whose legs be dangerously dangling off the back of the truck, causes the price of meat to go up, and so does the charcoal and other stuff, meaning food becomes more expensive.
Taxi chaps also do the same, and landlords not wanting to miss out on this new craze, like thongs in the late 90’s, also increase prices. The only punks that NEVER join this bandwagon, for reasons we have failed to understand, are corporate bullshit employers and their contracts! So if you signed a 5 year contract to earn “………… (insert little dimes here) shillings per month before statutory deductions and any other bullshit losses you may cause the company, directly or indirectly through yo negligent and incompetent ass”, it wont matter that a beer used to cost 2,000 bucks when you joined the company and it’s now 3,000, just figure some other shit you have to sacrifice, for example u can lay off buying mobile phones for that ballistic campus chick named “Rihanna”, that’ll be a start! Go for “Getrude” instead, she’ll settle for a salon appointment at Wandegs, riot or no riot, and you are game. Plus, the whole salon experience will cost you just about 2,500 bucks, way less than a pint. I mean what the hell does Getrude need, just a charcoal stove and a freakin hot comb, and she'll feel twice as ballistic as that little “Rihanna” bitch, after having her hair, and bits of her scalp burnt like roasted pork at a stand outside Kyadondo rugby club! But word of advice,never let her use yo pillow, coz that hot-combed hair stinks like used socks godamit!! With some steam on 'em.....
Water, on the contrary, is the only commodity whose prices never seem to go up in a way that will impact on yo life….and yet some punks still default on water payments! How are u going to default on a monthly bill of 8,000 bucks? Seriously! U belong with rioters (and boda riders with no helmets, and diseases like "scabies", that shit of the 70's that just doesnt leave some lumpens alone)! That’s just 8 rolexes, and those don’t even have cabbages and stuff! And u default! And these are the guys u will find at Cineplex with 3 bu chicks, nga they don’t even have water at home. Sometimes they just use a roll on and go to work, u can usually sniff ‘em out at lunch time when the kasana has come out blazing like Nobert Mao thinking he has finally made it! If water had been expensive, it would have been hard for Jesus to turn it into wine, coz no one would be willing to give up their water “for some experiment by some stray magician guy”.
What if instead of oil, water was the thing? Only the chaps in Sudan would be suffering, oh and the Karamoja chaps too. That Ahmadinajad chap would never say “nuclear” in his life. Ghaddafi would be “the queen of queens” and the king of Bunyoro would never talk shit, mbu “the Ankole people should rise up for their kingdom!”. This chap was happy with the 1994 Pajero the government had given him, till they told him he had oil in his backyard. Heck, the chap was elected “the chairman of the kings” recently! The shit oil can do for ya!
If water used to power cars, chaps would be selling plots of water at the Pacific Ocean. Property masters would have an office in the middle of Lake Victoria. Taxi touts wouldn’t exist. The war over Migingo would be so on. Fish would be praying to God everyday “save us from extinction sir….the humans only think of themselves…those sons ‘o bitches!!”
Well, after all is said and done….money makes the world go round. However, unlike the popular saying, more money, more problems, wisely used, the saying is ammended (as if some parliamentary bullshit) to Mo Money Mo Pints!! But less electricity, and fewer campus chicks…..so spend wisely, before 10pm when the bars close!
A Blast from the Past!!
Too much drama goin on around here….first, the most respected bachelor, a one Olara Otunnu, gets elected UPC head fellow, they like to call him UPC President, that way, he can at least hear himself be called President a couple of times before he eventually is re-called by the mighty one, aka Jesus’ dad.
If this chap ever gets to be the Prez of Uganda, we might end up signing special agreements, of course well-thought out plans by the Attorney Generals of the respective countries, and we’re talking bout South Africa and Swaziland. These pacts shall be referred to as “the bi-lateral bailout of a fellow prez – with a ballistic chick”.
It has never happened, in the History of Africa, for a sitting President to be without a wife, or better yet, a sitting Prez without “wives, concubines and hot campus chicks, to be delivered at the press of a phone button”. This “pact”, shall entail that whenever Uganda hosts a meeting, in order for the first ladies not to be bored, Jacob Zuma shall facebook Otunnu with a recent upload of pics of his chicks, so he can pick whomsomever he wants to be “acting first lady” for the duration of the meet. No, you just can’t pick anyone to act as first lady, they must be it! So that chick that was on African Woman won’t do.
Otunnu has meanwhile kicked off his “campaign” in usual African style, asking for an inquiry into the Luwero massacres of 1885……,okay it was the 80’s, but the 1980’s. But we are now in the second decade of the 2 thousands, and these punks are taking us way back, when it was still cool to use “EMS”, the fast delivery service of mail, that used to cost us a fortune. Now we have blackberries and stuff, can chat to chicks on “hot mamas dot com” here in Kla while they sip on margaritas on some islands in Hawaii, and can also do work for some guys in Australia right here in our homes. We want more of this stuff, but no, not these punks, they want to investigate shit of the 1980’s!!
So if the Otunnu’s get to power, ladies and gents, the following things that have been totally nagging you in yo daily goings on shall be solved, so here is why he wants you to vote for him so they call him prez, for real;
• The real guys who killed the “Uganda Martyrs” in the 1800’s shall be tried…..shit, they died already??? What the heck, we’ll get their grand kids! This shall really help in getting you to buy jam everyday, forget that shit of ghee from goat’s milk on yo bread.
• The 1900 Buganda agreement shall be rescinded, and everything shall go back to as it was.
• The 1800 partitioning of Africa shall be looked into, and countries shall be made out into federo states and stuff. All chaps who used to be kings should re-apply for their kingdoms, including the tiny kingdom that used to be in the Ntinda area, yes, u can reclaim yakobo’s pork joint, as it’s king!
• The 1980 elections shall be repeated, so we can actually see who really won it.
• The fires that gutted the Kasubi tombs shall be put out……..BEFORE THEY START GODAMIT!!!
So these old chaps that still live in the past but want to be the future of the country….what about????? How about we move forward? PUNKS!!
If this chap ever gets to be the Prez of Uganda, we might end up signing special agreements, of course well-thought out plans by the Attorney Generals of the respective countries, and we’re talking bout South Africa and Swaziland. These pacts shall be referred to as “the bi-lateral bailout of a fellow prez – with a ballistic chick”.
It has never happened, in the History of Africa, for a sitting President to be without a wife, or better yet, a sitting Prez without “wives, concubines and hot campus chicks, to be delivered at the press of a phone button”. This “pact”, shall entail that whenever Uganda hosts a meeting, in order for the first ladies not to be bored, Jacob Zuma shall facebook Otunnu with a recent upload of pics of his chicks, so he can pick whomsomever he wants to be “acting first lady” for the duration of the meet. No, you just can’t pick anyone to act as first lady, they must be it! So that chick that was on African Woman won’t do.
Otunnu has meanwhile kicked off his “campaign” in usual African style, asking for an inquiry into the Luwero massacres of 1885……,okay it was the 80’s, but the 1980’s. But we are now in the second decade of the 2 thousands, and these punks are taking us way back, when it was still cool to use “EMS”, the fast delivery service of mail, that used to cost us a fortune. Now we have blackberries and stuff, can chat to chicks on “hot mamas dot com” here in Kla while they sip on margaritas on some islands in Hawaii, and can also do work for some guys in Australia right here in our homes. We want more of this stuff, but no, not these punks, they want to investigate shit of the 1980’s!!
So if the Otunnu’s get to power, ladies and gents, the following things that have been totally nagging you in yo daily goings on shall be solved, so here is why he wants you to vote for him so they call him prez, for real;
• The real guys who killed the “Uganda Martyrs” in the 1800’s shall be tried…..shit, they died already??? What the heck, we’ll get their grand kids! This shall really help in getting you to buy jam everyday, forget that shit of ghee from goat’s milk on yo bread.
• The 1900 Buganda agreement shall be rescinded, and everything shall go back to as it was.
• The 1800 partitioning of Africa shall be looked into, and countries shall be made out into federo states and stuff. All chaps who used to be kings should re-apply for their kingdoms, including the tiny kingdom that used to be in the Ntinda area, yes, u can reclaim yakobo’s pork joint, as it’s king!
• The 1980 elections shall be repeated, so we can actually see who really won it.
• The fires that gutted the Kasubi tombs shall be put out……..BEFORE THEY START GODAMIT!!!
So these old chaps that still live in the past but want to be the future of the country….what about????? How about we move forward? PUNKS!!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
A forward from some anonymous chap!!
SEYA’S LETTER ( WHY AM LEAVING DP )
Dear Ugandans, today the fourteenth 2 thousand two two thousand ten (14-02-2010) this is your Mayor Seya writing to you. It is very sadi and surprise that I lose DP President to Norbert Mao yet I have been in DP for long ago, I have been in that party for 34 years old. DP has now become a party of robbers, even young man are now robbers.
Mao is still a young man who was born tomorrow when I was seeing and looking, when he was in nursery school, I was already big man with a shop on Uganda House.
Friends I need your support and caring because I want to form my own political party called SSP ( Social Security Party ) I am going to leave DP because they are now robbers, They steal me. I even have 8 reasons how they steal me in Mbale;
1. They decided to count votes at night when am feeling sleep.
2. Mao used ghost voters, all the ghosts from gulu voted for him.
3. There was also Makerere science especially Lumumba science. Mao was giving voters sweets to vote for him.
4. The people counting votes were using fingers and bottle tops to tally votes.
5. Mao was using American English to confuse the voters.
6. Mao used UPE kids to vote for him claiming they are not kids but just short people.
7. They hired Sudanese ninjas who disappeared with my votes at night.
8. This old bachelor called OO and Ssekids were campaigning for Mao when people were voting.
People with those 8 points you can clearly see how they steal me in Mbale. That is why am forming my political party and I know I can win elections because I have many people in higher places. I am the newer Obama of Uganda.
I am calling upon my friends in Goliath investments and Zadok to help me campaign. My OBs remember me, “BY THE WAY DON’T FORGOTTEN THAT WE WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL LONG LONG TIME AGO.’’
My friends Zadok, Joshua, Allan, Phil, Jude, Nico and Geoffrey , I have appointed you my campaign managers. You are going to use makerere science to give all Ugandans sweets when am campaigning. If we win, you will become ministers.
People of Uganda if you vote for me: I will do the following for you;
1. I will give everyone Federo which is real not ants wings. I will even recognize the Uganja republic of Bobi wine.
2. I will put bore holes in every home so that there is clean water every where you go.
3. I will improve Bwaise and Kalerwe, I will make them hills like Naguru. We shall pour soils in Bwaise up to when it becomes a hill with no flooding.
4. I will build better roads like those in UK. The roads will be double Decker.
5. I will repair the clock tower and buy new batteries for the clock.
6. I will build another City Garden in Kawempe like that Silver City.
7. I will give everyone mobile phones and pakalast for a whole year.
YOURS TRULY, SEYA.
Lent!!
When the white man came into Africa, in the dark days known as colonialism, he first came using a disguise of being a missionary, spreading the word, till we were distracted enough to let ‘em be our supreme rulers. They distracted us with an amazing story of some chap that had an entourage of 12 men, following him like he was “50 cent” and they was “the G Unit crew”. He however was a jew guy, and said he was their king, and made a triumphant entry to Jerusalem one time, as if Besigye or Gaetano from South Africa back to Ebbs, a day still known as palm Sunday, not Besigye’s, but the King of the Jews’.
This triumphant entry shit kinda got to his head, and he decided to tour Rome as well, to convince the Romans, led by a one Pontius Pilate (the NRM candidate), that he was the true leader, and he wasn’t going to accept a power sharing agreement where he would end up as “the official leader of the opposition”, he said he was King of the jews godamit, no more no less.
In a bid to hold onto power, this Pilate chap didn’t even bother to call parliament to amend the constitution, he ordered for the immediate arrest of this Jesus guy, and tortured him like a chap who had failed to account for CHOGM dimes yet no guests had stayed at his hotel, and ordered him to carry a huge cross across town, like a Kikuubo porter ferrying a sack of slippers to a waiting truck going to the Congo area!
After mugging this cross thing all the way up the hill (this guy had all gifts, including mugging stuff up a hill, even Jack and Jill came tumbling down the damn thing), he was nailed to it like a staff memo on the company notice board, crowned “king of the jews” with a bunch of thorns for a crown and left to bleed to death. It is believed that all this stuff was on a Friday. However, on Saturday, he kinda woke up, and started laying strategies of how he was going to make a quick escape from his tomb, just like Besigye did on his way to SA. On Sunday, the plan worked, catching the CMI Roman guards that were assigned to his tomb unawares, and showing the serious cracks in the intelligence organisation of the Romans, their boss was probably sacked, and sent to the USA as a military attaché, as if Leo Kyanda!
These series of events have since been followed adequately by we the chaps that were confused by the missionaries afore mentioned, and we take this weekend very seriously, coz it’s the only 4 day break we shall ever get from those ever nagging bosses, of course except for the times we shall have election related violence, that’s a 7 day break.
In a twist of events, the missionaries told us that we would have to start celebrating this day 40 days prior to the nailing event, on a Wednesday, named Ash Wednesday, which brings us to a question, where is Ashy? She could be fasting reading the damn blog! Anyhoo, on ash Wednesday, believers head to their local church where they sing praises for the beloved Hezu, as we call him in Spanish, and later line up before the priest, this time not for Holy Communion, but for the chap to grab into a bowl of ash, and make a cross on yo forehead. If you don’t apply some Nivea cream the moment you get home, you shall be attacked by a bout of acne, some rare black pimples caused by corroding the skin with left-overs of firewood!
After this ceremony, you, yes you, the ashy fore headed fellow, shall be required, by law, just like how you pay VAT and NSSF, to forego or rather sacrifice or better yet fast, something you ultimately love. Previously, chaps used not to eat meat on Fridays, and this was at least a reasonable requirement back in our day. But the ever rigid members of the church, those boring piano-playing chaps of the religious establishment, whose only source of joy is seeing people suffering (ever listened to their sleep-inducing sermons?) saw that we were not suffering enough by avoiding meat, and changed the whole requirement level (like how they returned graduated tax, we were not suffering enough). Now they increased the suffering base (like tax base) to anything you enjoy, not just meat.
Several people have been seen avoiding alcohol in the past couple of days, mbu they are fasting. Preachers have been heard to say that you should fast so u get to know your spiritual self better. I did! I discovered after all this, that deep down within my internal organs, especially the stomach, that there are some rather irritating side effects of fasting, known as ulcers!!! My spiritual self is the stomach ulcer, never to go without a meal next time!
Other unapologetic preachers were heard saying that since people in the village never eat meat,it should not to be the only item on the fasting menu. Villagers are now not supposed to eat raw cassava every Friday. They were seen dumping their party cards (catholic party) and defecting to the Church of the latter day pintists and cassava growers! Who dares take their raw cassava tubes!
Therefore, after all is said, it will only be a matter of time before we get to palm Sunday, when chaps shall be seen holding palm leaves all over the place, no questions asked, and heading to their favourite prayer cribs for a sermon about how this guy died for our sins, and the sins of the CHOGM hotel owners. Awaiting the 4 day blast!
This triumphant entry shit kinda got to his head, and he decided to tour Rome as well, to convince the Romans, led by a one Pontius Pilate (the NRM candidate), that he was the true leader, and he wasn’t going to accept a power sharing agreement where he would end up as “the official leader of the opposition”, he said he was King of the jews godamit, no more no less.
In a bid to hold onto power, this Pilate chap didn’t even bother to call parliament to amend the constitution, he ordered for the immediate arrest of this Jesus guy, and tortured him like a chap who had failed to account for CHOGM dimes yet no guests had stayed at his hotel, and ordered him to carry a huge cross across town, like a Kikuubo porter ferrying a sack of slippers to a waiting truck going to the Congo area!
After mugging this cross thing all the way up the hill (this guy had all gifts, including mugging stuff up a hill, even Jack and Jill came tumbling down the damn thing), he was nailed to it like a staff memo on the company notice board, crowned “king of the jews” with a bunch of thorns for a crown and left to bleed to death. It is believed that all this stuff was on a Friday. However, on Saturday, he kinda woke up, and started laying strategies of how he was going to make a quick escape from his tomb, just like Besigye did on his way to SA. On Sunday, the plan worked, catching the CMI Roman guards that were assigned to his tomb unawares, and showing the serious cracks in the intelligence organisation of the Romans, their boss was probably sacked, and sent to the USA as a military attaché, as if Leo Kyanda!
These series of events have since been followed adequately by we the chaps that were confused by the missionaries afore mentioned, and we take this weekend very seriously, coz it’s the only 4 day break we shall ever get from those ever nagging bosses, of course except for the times we shall have election related violence, that’s a 7 day break.
In a twist of events, the missionaries told us that we would have to start celebrating this day 40 days prior to the nailing event, on a Wednesday, named Ash Wednesday, which brings us to a question, where is Ashy? She could be fasting reading the damn blog! Anyhoo, on ash Wednesday, believers head to their local church where they sing praises for the beloved Hezu, as we call him in Spanish, and later line up before the priest, this time not for Holy Communion, but for the chap to grab into a bowl of ash, and make a cross on yo forehead. If you don’t apply some Nivea cream the moment you get home, you shall be attacked by a bout of acne, some rare black pimples caused by corroding the skin with left-overs of firewood!
After this ceremony, you, yes you, the ashy fore headed fellow, shall be required, by law, just like how you pay VAT and NSSF, to forego or rather sacrifice or better yet fast, something you ultimately love. Previously, chaps used not to eat meat on Fridays, and this was at least a reasonable requirement back in our day. But the ever rigid members of the church, those boring piano-playing chaps of the religious establishment, whose only source of joy is seeing people suffering (ever listened to their sleep-inducing sermons?) saw that we were not suffering enough by avoiding meat, and changed the whole requirement level (like how they returned graduated tax, we were not suffering enough). Now they increased the suffering base (like tax base) to anything you enjoy, not just meat.
Several people have been seen avoiding alcohol in the past couple of days, mbu they are fasting. Preachers have been heard to say that you should fast so u get to know your spiritual self better. I did! I discovered after all this, that deep down within my internal organs, especially the stomach, that there are some rather irritating side effects of fasting, known as ulcers!!! My spiritual self is the stomach ulcer, never to go without a meal next time!
Other unapologetic preachers were heard saying that since people in the village never eat meat,it should not to be the only item on the fasting menu. Villagers are now not supposed to eat raw cassava every Friday. They were seen dumping their party cards (catholic party) and defecting to the Church of the latter day pintists and cassava growers! Who dares take their raw cassava tubes!
Therefore, after all is said, it will only be a matter of time before we get to palm Sunday, when chaps shall be seen holding palm leaves all over the place, no questions asked, and heading to their favourite prayer cribs for a sermon about how this guy died for our sins, and the sins of the CHOGM hotel owners. Awaiting the 4 day blast!
Women have emancipated....almost!!
A KIU student hacked her chap to death using a knife, sometime on Thursday. Just like many other chicks, she had locked him out of their house, and asked him to go back to the “sluts” he had been with, a very popular stunt with chicks these days, coming a close second to smashing the windscreen of his car, which he got on loan, now he has to pay the loan interest plus a freakin windscreen that he didn’t insure.
The other day, the callous Tonku, murdered his chick and dumped her in a septic tank, then headed straight to Capital Pub for a “pint with friends”. Talk about having no conscience. Cab drivers narrated later that day that this chap was stinking of shit, they thought he was an employee of KCC, working in the “shit disposal unit”.
Just here here last year, a MUBS student was stabbed at workers house by her chap, before he slit his own throat, in a bid to have him and his chick reach heaven (or hell) at the exact same time, so they could share the same cubicle while waiting for that St Peter chap to unleash the “deadly book of sins”.
Now what the hell is going on around here? Usually, knives are for the purpose of applying jam to bread, or for cutting toe nails (if you are the gateman), or shaving yo legs and chest (if u are the gardener) or better yet for removing stains on jeans (yep, that’s my shit, what’s this washing stuff?)
In the old days, when chicks hadn’t started watching “Desperate housewives” and “Sex and the city”, it was common place for guys to have as many wives as their time would allow. Jacob Zuma and King Mswati are STILL living in these olden days, lucky punks!
If that KIU chick was Zuma’s babe, she wouldn’t be on that shit of “go back where u’ve been”, this guy would break the door open and bitch slap her to reality before she thought “knife!”, coz she would be his 6th wife. If she were a virgin, Mswati would be knockin on her door talking ‘bout “babe, I have chosen you, have any idea how lucky yo ass is?!”.
But no, this is Ug, women’s emancipation is spreading like a skin rash, and no laws shall act as the dettol or Protex. Chicks want to be entitled to ONE man, so the Electoral commission no longer has the monopoly to the slogan “ONE MAN ONE VOTE”, except now the chiks have replaced the word “VOTE” with the monologues, anything less than that, you face the knife, except the MUBS punk, he was a guy, that he-bitch! And that crazy bastard Tonku, spoiling our names.
Muslims chicks however, are still the hardest. These women demonstrated when the Marital bill was being presented in parliament seeking for a chap to marry only 1 chick. If all muslim chicks were in KIU (1 man 1 vote) ,the bill would have sailed through as easily as the removal of term limits, of course the bitches would have had to pay each MP just 5 million bucks, to make it easier. But no, these muslim chicks moved up and down town with banners of “we want to be 4 wives”, “1 man, 4 bitches!”, “The Holy Book gave me the right to share my man….and his diseases too!” and varying others, if only ALL chicks were muslim, the homicide department would have less issues, of course except for demented idiots like Tonku!
WBS needs to start documentaries of “crimes of passion”, coz the news these days is so full of this shit. If some chick hasn’t cut of some man’s genitalia (and kept the balls framed high up in her house as a winner’s trophy), some other chick is stealing babies from Mulago, so her man doesn’t leave her, another is burying dolls, so her man gives it another try, some campus chick is calling her sugar dad’s wife threatening her to “leave her man alone, or else…..”
We the advocates of “women emancipation” urge all women, that in a bid to be equals with men, shall do the following;
• Scrap the 1.5 points chicks get to enter campus, compete u she-buggers!!
• Start driving around campus giving bu boys mobile phones “to call u later!”
• Get married at age 37, and just for the sake of just!
• Marry 4 men without divorcing any, put them in different apartments, yours of course.
• Become bouncers at discos, heck, own a couple of ‘em discos.
• Start raping chaps!!!!!! Matter of fact, become a “wanted” serial rapist!!
• Remove women’s day, make every bloody day “women’s day”.
• Start a bible, with the Jesus character as a chick, and the 12 disciples as mugged bouncers!
• Scrap ALL condoms, sell only “femidoms”.
• Don’t allow a bugger’s name after marriage, let the punk take yo name godamit!! and the kids yo religion for Pete’s sake!
• Finally……start beating yo husbands!!! But just avoid using knives!
The other day, the callous Tonku, murdered his chick and dumped her in a septic tank, then headed straight to Capital Pub for a “pint with friends”. Talk about having no conscience. Cab drivers narrated later that day that this chap was stinking of shit, they thought he was an employee of KCC, working in the “shit disposal unit”.
Just here here last year, a MUBS student was stabbed at workers house by her chap, before he slit his own throat, in a bid to have him and his chick reach heaven (or hell) at the exact same time, so they could share the same cubicle while waiting for that St Peter chap to unleash the “deadly book of sins”.
Now what the hell is going on around here? Usually, knives are for the purpose of applying jam to bread, or for cutting toe nails (if you are the gateman), or shaving yo legs and chest (if u are the gardener) or better yet for removing stains on jeans (yep, that’s my shit, what’s this washing stuff?)
In the old days, when chicks hadn’t started watching “Desperate housewives” and “Sex and the city”, it was common place for guys to have as many wives as their time would allow. Jacob Zuma and King Mswati are STILL living in these olden days, lucky punks!
If that KIU chick was Zuma’s babe, she wouldn’t be on that shit of “go back where u’ve been”, this guy would break the door open and bitch slap her to reality before she thought “knife!”, coz she would be his 6th wife. If she were a virgin, Mswati would be knockin on her door talking ‘bout “babe, I have chosen you, have any idea how lucky yo ass is?!”.
But no, this is Ug, women’s emancipation is spreading like a skin rash, and no laws shall act as the dettol or Protex. Chicks want to be entitled to ONE man, so the Electoral commission no longer has the monopoly to the slogan “ONE MAN ONE VOTE”, except now the chiks have replaced the word “VOTE” with the monologues, anything less than that, you face the knife, except the MUBS punk, he was a guy, that he-bitch! And that crazy bastard Tonku, spoiling our names.
Muslims chicks however, are still the hardest. These women demonstrated when the Marital bill was being presented in parliament seeking for a chap to marry only 1 chick. If all muslim chicks were in KIU (1 man 1 vote) ,the bill would have sailed through as easily as the removal of term limits, of course the bitches would have had to pay each MP just 5 million bucks, to make it easier. But no, these muslim chicks moved up and down town with banners of “we want to be 4 wives”, “1 man, 4 bitches!”, “The Holy Book gave me the right to share my man….and his diseases too!” and varying others, if only ALL chicks were muslim, the homicide department would have less issues, of course except for demented idiots like Tonku!
WBS needs to start documentaries of “crimes of passion”, coz the news these days is so full of this shit. If some chick hasn’t cut of some man’s genitalia (and kept the balls framed high up in her house as a winner’s trophy), some other chick is stealing babies from Mulago, so her man doesn’t leave her, another is burying dolls, so her man gives it another try, some campus chick is calling her sugar dad’s wife threatening her to “leave her man alone, or else…..”
We the advocates of “women emancipation” urge all women, that in a bid to be equals with men, shall do the following;
• Scrap the 1.5 points chicks get to enter campus, compete u she-buggers!!
• Start driving around campus giving bu boys mobile phones “to call u later!”
• Get married at age 37, and just for the sake of just!
• Marry 4 men without divorcing any, put them in different apartments, yours of course.
• Become bouncers at discos, heck, own a couple of ‘em discos.
• Start raping chaps!!!!!! Matter of fact, become a “wanted” serial rapist!!
• Remove women’s day, make every bloody day “women’s day”.
• Start a bible, with the Jesus character as a chick, and the 12 disciples as mugged bouncers!
• Scrap ALL condoms, sell only “femidoms”.
• Don’t allow a bugger’s name after marriage, let the punk take yo name godamit!! and the kids yo religion for Pete’s sake!
• Finally……start beating yo husbands!!! But just avoid using knives!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
From the office....to the streets!! A how-to guide!!
Life can suddenly take a strange twist for the worse, just when u thought all was fine. So u have just bought that car…..thanks to Barclays car loans….of course u didn’t save for it, you poser you! So you have just entered that Bugolobi flat…thanks to National Housing’s mortgage plans with your employers….of course you never paid the goodwill, you poser you! And oh, you have just married that person you think will spend the rest of their lives with you…..this one, thanks to you, and our wedding meeting contributions MOST ESPECIALLY, you pose…..!
Anyways, while you are in the middle of this blast, just when you think everything is going your way, then BAM, company restructure, and yo department, yes, all ye buggers in the Human Resource Department, who torture chaps more than the Parliamentary Accounts Committee are flushed like used toilet paper, from yo swanky swinging chairs, what’s that crap of “come for the interview not too late, but not too early, don’t be too smart, but not shabby, carry a copy of yo cv, in case we have lost yours, and don’t, never, try to shake our hands……” those darn HR bastards!
So, since we are praying for them all to be on the streets, here are the options they have while lounging at the Jinja Road traffic lights after their sacking;
1 – Hawker; Here, you shall be required to carry a wide variety of stuff, with the hope that we, yes we, the guys that you told are “not worthy of a company like ours whose objectives are better suited to more articulate punks” shall be yo prospective clients. We shall be the only hope you have for a meal, and that meal shall consist of boiled beans and left over pumpkins from a buffet at Centenary park which you and yo colleagues shall be fighting over, at exactly 11pm when we chaps are in a bar. This food will cost you just 1,500 bucks. Now, you may wonder, how do I make 1,500 bucks; unlike your former posing self, I shall give u ideas. U may sell handkerchiefs, coz town is hot as hell, and equally dusty, by the time u rack up about 8, yo profit shall be about 2,000 bucks, so u can celebrate by bumping up to boiled water in a polythene bag, leave the tap for today. Oh, u may also sell calenders with pics of Bebe Cool, chaps buy them like a problem, or better yet, u can be a maestro dealer of DVD’s, and make sure they are written on “clear copy”, so u build a “rep” on the streets….what? U don’t know “rep”? U office punks, that’s “reputation” bitch!!
2 – Street preacher; For some weird reason, there’s always a loud empty tin at the traffic lights, and he usually has a bible in hand. U will realize that the one with the smaller bible is a new kid on the streets, broke as hell, matter of fact, these ones go for the “St James Bible”, that’s the cheapest of em’ all, it seems these guys have only cheap stories in that version, so Noah’s ark, which cost more wood than the Titanic, may be omitted in this version. But in order to stand out, you should buy a drum , so when u be singing that Ï€ kumbaya my lord Ï€ bullshit, u add in some bass, so u may catch our attention, trust me, radio is ALWAYS boring. And don’t point at the drivers, they may “accidentally” run over yo religious foot as they speed off. All you need to do, is yell at everyone how sinful they are, how they are ALL garbage in the eyes of the lord and unless they follow yo path, which looks rather pathetic as u dispense the message, they shall all go to hell. Of course some of us would rather burn downstairs than be stuck with a bunch of nuts like yo self in heavenly clouds, so be sure, we are not paying attention to the shit u be spewing, but we are praying, rather hard, for you to regain your sanity!
3 – Beggar; This will be no easy task, as you may need to burn yourself with acid first, or, if you feel really stuck, you may break yo leg, in 2 different places, coz we, yep, we the chaps you jammed to employ, are the guys cruising the streets with coins to dispense to yo broke ass, and we don’t take pity on any able-bodied chap, we believe you should go dig up some soil and plant maize for Pete’s sake. So, as a beggar, you must prove to our eyes that something is terribly wrong with you, before we toss out those coins.
4 – Newspaper Vendor; To achieve this task, you must have fed on yams (Usain Bolt) while still an HR admin at that company you were posing on, previously on twenty….no, previously on yo ballistic life. We chaps like to first read at least the first 2 pages of the paper before we make up our minds on which one to buy, heck, if we had a chance, we would read the whole damn paper godamit! So, when the lights turn green, it’s usually the moment of truth…the split second that the brain figures “I want red pepper, coz I only saw half the naked chick”, now the lights are green and am fidgeting to get yo coins, why cant you just sell the paper for 1,000 bucks, now I need a 500 coin too. It’s during this process of retrieving the coin that the cars behind are hooting incessantly, so I need to move, and so do you! By the time I’ve got the coin, al have moved about 70 meters, with you at the door, with one hand balancing the rest of the newspapers, and yo feet dragging on the tarmac so yo slippers don’t fly off! That’s how fit you should be.
5 – Taxi Tout; This is the WORST of em street hassles, coz you must have vocal training. How do you think Chameleon got his voice, or Bebe Fool, or Buchaman? They did their first hassles calling out chaps “Luzira meat Bugolobi….luzira meat bugolobi….omu asigadde….one and we going…onry one we going…” So, if you have the ability to yell, yes, like how you used to when my corporate friend would come in late, all that stuff of “our policy does not entail that you come 1 minute after the stipulated time on yo contract, which I dare not remind you that you signed…..blah blah blah”, with that training at yelling at corporatal chaps, yo ass is ready for the streets!
6 – Card dealer / hassler; All you need are 3 cards, place them upside down and tell a fella to guess which one is the queen as you shuffle them like you used to shuffle department heads. This one is called “double or nothing”. The chap you are hassling gives you, say 5k, then when he finds the Queen, he gets 10k. For this stunt, you have to employ the services of the former HR assistant to be yo first client, coz the assistant shall win the first 3 bets, getting the rest of us interested, and this is where yo street smarts set in, coz u will shuffle these cards like yo life depended on it, hey, wait a minute, yo life DOES depend on it! U will take these sucka's money till they call Judith Nabakooba, the police spokeswoman, to announce that there’s a new crime in town….are we togezza???!
So, all ye corporate punks out there that be splashing on us muddy water while we await our taxis….all ye punks that be knocking us off our bikes while we head to the same place…..all ye human resource buggers that have tortured, fired, told bullshit to prospective employees….we are waiting for you!!
Ps: Poor human resource chaps, nga people have nuggu for them....just employ everyone!!
Anyways, while you are in the middle of this blast, just when you think everything is going your way, then BAM, company restructure, and yo department, yes, all ye buggers in the Human Resource Department, who torture chaps more than the Parliamentary Accounts Committee are flushed like used toilet paper, from yo swanky swinging chairs, what’s that crap of “come for the interview not too late, but not too early, don’t be too smart, but not shabby, carry a copy of yo cv, in case we have lost yours, and don’t, never, try to shake our hands……” those darn HR bastards!
So, since we are praying for them all to be on the streets, here are the options they have while lounging at the Jinja Road traffic lights after their sacking;
1 – Hawker; Here, you shall be required to carry a wide variety of stuff, with the hope that we, yes we, the guys that you told are “not worthy of a company like ours whose objectives are better suited to more articulate punks” shall be yo prospective clients. We shall be the only hope you have for a meal, and that meal shall consist of boiled beans and left over pumpkins from a buffet at Centenary park which you and yo colleagues shall be fighting over, at exactly 11pm when we chaps are in a bar. This food will cost you just 1,500 bucks. Now, you may wonder, how do I make 1,500 bucks; unlike your former posing self, I shall give u ideas. U may sell handkerchiefs, coz town is hot as hell, and equally dusty, by the time u rack up about 8, yo profit shall be about 2,000 bucks, so u can celebrate by bumping up to boiled water in a polythene bag, leave the tap for today. Oh, u may also sell calenders with pics of Bebe Cool, chaps buy them like a problem, or better yet, u can be a maestro dealer of DVD’s, and make sure they are written on “clear copy”, so u build a “rep” on the streets….what? U don’t know “rep”? U office punks, that’s “reputation” bitch!!
2 – Street preacher; For some weird reason, there’s always a loud empty tin at the traffic lights, and he usually has a bible in hand. U will realize that the one with the smaller bible is a new kid on the streets, broke as hell, matter of fact, these ones go for the “St James Bible”, that’s the cheapest of em’ all, it seems these guys have only cheap stories in that version, so Noah’s ark, which cost more wood than the Titanic, may be omitted in this version. But in order to stand out, you should buy a drum , so when u be singing that Ï€ kumbaya my lord Ï€ bullshit, u add in some bass, so u may catch our attention, trust me, radio is ALWAYS boring. And don’t point at the drivers, they may “accidentally” run over yo religious foot as they speed off. All you need to do, is yell at everyone how sinful they are, how they are ALL garbage in the eyes of the lord and unless they follow yo path, which looks rather pathetic as u dispense the message, they shall all go to hell. Of course some of us would rather burn downstairs than be stuck with a bunch of nuts like yo self in heavenly clouds, so be sure, we are not paying attention to the shit u be spewing, but we are praying, rather hard, for you to regain your sanity!
3 – Beggar; This will be no easy task, as you may need to burn yourself with acid first, or, if you feel really stuck, you may break yo leg, in 2 different places, coz we, yep, we the chaps you jammed to employ, are the guys cruising the streets with coins to dispense to yo broke ass, and we don’t take pity on any able-bodied chap, we believe you should go dig up some soil and plant maize for Pete’s sake. So, as a beggar, you must prove to our eyes that something is terribly wrong with you, before we toss out those coins.
4 – Newspaper Vendor; To achieve this task, you must have fed on yams (Usain Bolt) while still an HR admin at that company you were posing on, previously on twenty….no, previously on yo ballistic life. We chaps like to first read at least the first 2 pages of the paper before we make up our minds on which one to buy, heck, if we had a chance, we would read the whole damn paper godamit! So, when the lights turn green, it’s usually the moment of truth…the split second that the brain figures “I want red pepper, coz I only saw half the naked chick”, now the lights are green and am fidgeting to get yo coins, why cant you just sell the paper for 1,000 bucks, now I need a 500 coin too. It’s during this process of retrieving the coin that the cars behind are hooting incessantly, so I need to move, and so do you! By the time I’ve got the coin, al have moved about 70 meters, with you at the door, with one hand balancing the rest of the newspapers, and yo feet dragging on the tarmac so yo slippers don’t fly off! That’s how fit you should be.
5 – Taxi Tout; This is the WORST of em street hassles, coz you must have vocal training. How do you think Chameleon got his voice, or Bebe Fool, or Buchaman? They did their first hassles calling out chaps “Luzira meat Bugolobi….luzira meat bugolobi….omu asigadde….one and we going…onry one we going…” So, if you have the ability to yell, yes, like how you used to when my corporate friend would come in late, all that stuff of “our policy does not entail that you come 1 minute after the stipulated time on yo contract, which I dare not remind you that you signed…..blah blah blah”, with that training at yelling at corporatal chaps, yo ass is ready for the streets!
6 – Card dealer / hassler; All you need are 3 cards, place them upside down and tell a fella to guess which one is the queen as you shuffle them like you used to shuffle department heads. This one is called “double or nothing”. The chap you are hassling gives you, say 5k, then when he finds the Queen, he gets 10k. For this stunt, you have to employ the services of the former HR assistant to be yo first client, coz the assistant shall win the first 3 bets, getting the rest of us interested, and this is where yo street smarts set in, coz u will shuffle these cards like yo life depended on it, hey, wait a minute, yo life DOES depend on it! U will take these sucka's money till they call Judith Nabakooba, the police spokeswoman, to announce that there’s a new crime in town….are we togezza???!
So, all ye corporate punks out there that be splashing on us muddy water while we await our taxis….all ye punks that be knocking us off our bikes while we head to the same place…..all ye human resource buggers that have tortured, fired, told bullshit to prospective employees….we are waiting for you!!
Ps: Poor human resource chaps, nga people have nuggu for them....just employ everyone!!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Can't blame 'em.....its human nature!!
The Ugandan soccer team, The Cranes, have just won a mere friendly game, 3-2 to the chaps of the Cha Chamapinduzi fame, Tanzania, justs here here Yesterday but one. These punks then returned on a low key and had a ki dinner at the J&M airport hotel, whose proprietor died recently (it seems the pints there are still free till it’s taken over, these mean punks couldn’t have paid up that tab).
That’s all beside the point. These buggers, dedicated their win to the victims of the Bududa landslides. It would have been okay if they just shut up at that point, but no, the news guys were there goddamit, so they said;
“we have nothing to offer to the victims, save for our victory”
This victory shall, among other things, be received by the Red Cross to top up on the much needed 2 billion Shillings. Part of the victory shall be used to build iron sheet shelters for the survivors, while the other part of the victory shall be used as blankets and stuff!!
Some idlers playing pool at Nakulabye, today at 11 am, after reading the papers, started winning games and dedicating the victories to the people of Bududa, “heck, if the mighty cranes can offer victory, so can we”, was all that they chanted as they used the dimes they wanted to offer to buy yet more pig’s ears!
FUFA president, that bugger whose name you shouldn’t care much to know, gave the Uganda Cranes a bonus of 5 million shillings, to top up on the usual allowances they had received for the international friendly game, but they still had nothing more to offer than a bloody victory, of a silly friendly game that no one knew was even being played!
Just last month, the Uganda government, in a very weird bid to be on CNN, not even on the main tv story, but the thingy that scrolls down while the news is read, offered 100,000 dollars to Haiti, which is like…..a zillion miles away, but it’s the thought and dimes that count. As we waited for them to announce a ki big sum for our own chaps, they didn’t! They said that the ruling party was putting up a HUGE amount of 28 million bucks, like 13,000 dollars, and it was all on pledge cards, like those of wedding meetings, coz it will come from the March salaries of the ruling party members, sorry Bududa, y’all ain’t international newsworthy, so u suffer.
Local idiot Bobi Swine who promised a charity concert for the Haiti victims by the end of Feb, just showed yet again, what an ass he is, and that is an insult to all asses “comparing them to this punk!” Anything for the news. This bastard is going to predictably put up his old escalade for auction, knowing no one buys junk anymore, but what the heck, his silly lookin self will be in the papers.
Human nature however dictates that we behave this way. As kids, we be yelling “daddy, mommy, look at me, am swinging….look at me”, and zeeyis be pretending to be interested in the crap you be doing. Teachers in class would give a sweet for a correct answer, so we would all strive for attention so we get a sweet.
This behavior, unfortunately and sub-consciously grows with us into adulthood, so we tend to do stuff ONLY when we shall be seen, and probably to also impress that God fella, so we only do good when we know there are witnesses around.
Humans suck…..sometimes! But, what to do!
That’s all beside the point. These buggers, dedicated their win to the victims of the Bududa landslides. It would have been okay if they just shut up at that point, but no, the news guys were there goddamit, so they said;
“we have nothing to offer to the victims, save for our victory”
This victory shall, among other things, be received by the Red Cross to top up on the much needed 2 billion Shillings. Part of the victory shall be used to build iron sheet shelters for the survivors, while the other part of the victory shall be used as blankets and stuff!!
Some idlers playing pool at Nakulabye, today at 11 am, after reading the papers, started winning games and dedicating the victories to the people of Bududa, “heck, if the mighty cranes can offer victory, so can we”, was all that they chanted as they used the dimes they wanted to offer to buy yet more pig’s ears!
FUFA president, that bugger whose name you shouldn’t care much to know, gave the Uganda Cranes a bonus of 5 million shillings, to top up on the usual allowances they had received for the international friendly game, but they still had nothing more to offer than a bloody victory, of a silly friendly game that no one knew was even being played!
Just last month, the Uganda government, in a very weird bid to be on CNN, not even on the main tv story, but the thingy that scrolls down while the news is read, offered 100,000 dollars to Haiti, which is like…..a zillion miles away, but it’s the thought and dimes that count. As we waited for them to announce a ki big sum for our own chaps, they didn’t! They said that the ruling party was putting up a HUGE amount of 28 million bucks, like 13,000 dollars, and it was all on pledge cards, like those of wedding meetings, coz it will come from the March salaries of the ruling party members, sorry Bududa, y’all ain’t international newsworthy, so u suffer.
Local idiot Bobi Swine who promised a charity concert for the Haiti victims by the end of Feb, just showed yet again, what an ass he is, and that is an insult to all asses “comparing them to this punk!” Anything for the news. This bastard is going to predictably put up his old escalade for auction, knowing no one buys junk anymore, but what the heck, his silly lookin self will be in the papers.
Human nature however dictates that we behave this way. As kids, we be yelling “daddy, mommy, look at me, am swinging….look at me”, and zeeyis be pretending to be interested in the crap you be doing. Teachers in class would give a sweet for a correct answer, so we would all strive for attention so we get a sweet.
This behavior, unfortunately and sub-consciously grows with us into adulthood, so we tend to do stuff ONLY when we shall be seen, and probably to also impress that God fella, so we only do good when we know there are witnesses around.
Humans suck…..sometimes! But, what to do!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
A disclaimer and An Appeal!!
The post about gay chaps (see below) got me thinking about freedom of speech, it ain’t something we should take for granted. For example in Rwanda, you can say ANYTHING you want about the President, as long as you have already started the engine of your getaway plane.
Uganda has some degree of freedom of speech, so if you want asylum, you are better off using the gay card than the freedom of speech one, as long as you ain’t the author of radio katwe.com.
Or better yet, the trick that chaps have been using of late to get into the UK or US at whatever cost (selling land and giving the money to a pastor to pray for a visa among others), fellas have been putting their pictures in the papers with the caption “Wanted”, then take the papers to the press, claiming they have been attached to a certain rebel group, and this picture was the evidence. The trick worked, for about 2 years. It’s possible that if slave ships returned to the coast of East Africa, chaps would WILLINGLY fill them up, no need for chains and stuff.
That was just a disclaimer, in case someone gets offended by the gay post, they are human too, you know!
So, fellow humans, lets do something for the victims of the Budduda landslides, the smallest contribution, even a bedsheet, goes a LONG way in helping a single person. The Red Cross am sure is gathering alms for our brothers and sisters in Budduda, plus, a couple of chaps I know are collecting whatever u have at East Kololo Primary School field tomorrow between 5.30 pm to 7.30 pm. I know, where the hell is this school?? Never to know it either!! And at 5.30 to 7.30 when the traffic jam is on like a problem? We shall find other ways to get the help they deserve, hope the Uganda government shall contribute more than the 100,000 dollars they sent to Haiti!
But, in whatever u do, find a way, get that old bedsheet, that old towel, those old shoes (not stilettos) and save a life.
Uganda has some degree of freedom of speech, so if you want asylum, you are better off using the gay card than the freedom of speech one, as long as you ain’t the author of radio katwe.com.
Or better yet, the trick that chaps have been using of late to get into the UK or US at whatever cost (selling land and giving the money to a pastor to pray for a visa among others), fellas have been putting their pictures in the papers with the caption “Wanted”, then take the papers to the press, claiming they have been attached to a certain rebel group, and this picture was the evidence. The trick worked, for about 2 years. It’s possible that if slave ships returned to the coast of East Africa, chaps would WILLINGLY fill them up, no need for chains and stuff.
That was just a disclaimer, in case someone gets offended by the gay post, they are human too, you know!
So, fellow humans, lets do something for the victims of the Budduda landslides, the smallest contribution, even a bedsheet, goes a LONG way in helping a single person. The Red Cross am sure is gathering alms for our brothers and sisters in Budduda, plus, a couple of chaps I know are collecting whatever u have at East Kololo Primary School field tomorrow between 5.30 pm to 7.30 pm. I know, where the hell is this school?? Never to know it either!! And at 5.30 to 7.30 when the traffic jam is on like a problem? We shall find other ways to get the help they deserve, hope the Uganda government shall contribute more than the 100,000 dollars they sent to Haiti!
But, in whatever u do, find a way, get that old bedsheet, that old towel, those old shoes (not stilettos) and save a life.
A tirade at gay punks!!
The wise guys (and they were more than 3) at the highest decision making organ (wonder why they call them organs, reminds thee of the stomach or intestines) in Mexico city, capital of Me-hi-co, have legalised gay marriage in their city. This only means that Ugandans that want to survive being shot to death after being sentenced have just gotten a new home, unfortunately there are no direct flights to Mexico.
This heinous crime (legalizing this shit) happened after the leading party (The NRM, RPF, PNU) of Mehico city passed the damn thing in parliament, since most of their supporters wished so.
What’s with these gay punks? They are winning round after round while we just sit there. God must be pissed wherever he is coz project “chow” is being interfered with.
Being a minority is sometimes a good thing, you can get away with whatever shit you feel u want. Blacks in that lousy country USA say “nigger” all the time, no rap song is complete without it’s mention, but let a white chap mess up and whisper it, it’ll be a catastrophe. Albinos in Uganda want a rep in parliament. Born again punks get away with making the loudest of noises every Sunday morning in our neighbourhoods, but a bar is not allowed to make half the noise.
Gay bastards are using the minority card to trample on the rest of humanity, now they’ve taken Mexico city too!
I’d rather dry hump a goat and introduce it to my parents!!
Lesbians by the way, are alright, they mean no harm, and their reasons for turning against nature are usually understandable, they be like “after my 5th boyfriend, I decided that ALL men are dogs, so am through with them, let me give girls a try”
U never EVER heard a chap be like “after my 6th girlfriend, I have given up on girls……” except some pastors we know.
Fuck these gay bastards and their minority bullshit. And what’s that crap of “I was born that way?” What, like God (if he actually exists) gave ‘em some genes to chase around a fellow chap? How come wild animals never get that gene? Heck, even male baboons have been seen to fondle chick’s boobs at zoos! They just spit at guys, and they are our closest relatives!
As someone said, gay guys are mentally ill people, they compare closely with those guys that be in garbage cans and shit. As a guy reyally, u goin to say u can walk to Mateos, see all those ballistic brown browns and still wink at the chap serving pints? If that’s not insanity, there’s nothn else to describe it.
The only advantage these bastards enjoy is they don’t have to go through that child birth and rearing thing. Those slimy little buggers, so-called bundle of joys (more like bundle of pampers, expensive pampers) are a reminder that patience is a virtue. You gotta wake up at 3 am to the screams of these little nuts wanting milk and shit, then walk around tapping their minute backs so they can “burp”, then walk some more so they get to sleep, yet the bugger keeps smiling, at the freakin light bulb!!! Now it’s 4.30 am and the nut gets to sleep, then yo alarm goes off at 6 am. Maybe that’s why these insane fellows are gay!!!
But, a quick reminder from the oblongata indicates that we too, were crying like little sissies at age 1 day to around 3 years old, so who are we, not to give others a chance to nug us to almost-death?
As for gay punks……..a multiple death sentence wouldn’t be bad!!
This heinous crime (legalizing this shit) happened after the leading party (The NRM, RPF, PNU) of Mehico city passed the damn thing in parliament, since most of their supporters wished so.
What’s with these gay punks? They are winning round after round while we just sit there. God must be pissed wherever he is coz project “chow” is being interfered with.
Being a minority is sometimes a good thing, you can get away with whatever shit you feel u want. Blacks in that lousy country USA say “nigger” all the time, no rap song is complete without it’s mention, but let a white chap mess up and whisper it, it’ll be a catastrophe. Albinos in Uganda want a rep in parliament. Born again punks get away with making the loudest of noises every Sunday morning in our neighbourhoods, but a bar is not allowed to make half the noise.
Gay bastards are using the minority card to trample on the rest of humanity, now they’ve taken Mexico city too!
I’d rather dry hump a goat and introduce it to my parents!!
Lesbians by the way, are alright, they mean no harm, and their reasons for turning against nature are usually understandable, they be like “after my 5th boyfriend, I decided that ALL men are dogs, so am through with them, let me give girls a try”
U never EVER heard a chap be like “after my 6th girlfriend, I have given up on girls……” except some pastors we know.
Fuck these gay bastards and their minority bullshit. And what’s that crap of “I was born that way?” What, like God (if he actually exists) gave ‘em some genes to chase around a fellow chap? How come wild animals never get that gene? Heck, even male baboons have been seen to fondle chick’s boobs at zoos! They just spit at guys, and they are our closest relatives!
As someone said, gay guys are mentally ill people, they compare closely with those guys that be in garbage cans and shit. As a guy reyally, u goin to say u can walk to Mateos, see all those ballistic brown browns and still wink at the chap serving pints? If that’s not insanity, there’s nothn else to describe it.
The only advantage these bastards enjoy is they don’t have to go through that child birth and rearing thing. Those slimy little buggers, so-called bundle of joys (more like bundle of pampers, expensive pampers) are a reminder that patience is a virtue. You gotta wake up at 3 am to the screams of these little nuts wanting milk and shit, then walk around tapping their minute backs so they can “burp”, then walk some more so they get to sleep, yet the bugger keeps smiling, at the freakin light bulb!!! Now it’s 4.30 am and the nut gets to sleep, then yo alarm goes off at 6 am. Maybe that’s why these insane fellows are gay!!!
But, a quick reminder from the oblongata indicates that we too, were crying like little sissies at age 1 day to around 3 years old, so who are we, not to give others a chance to nug us to almost-death?
As for gay punks……..a multiple death sentence wouldn’t be bad!!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Newsflash from the east (africa)!!
Juju: Stuff wrapped up in banana leaves to scare the livin daylights out of any African, usually also goes by the name witchcraft.
This juju stuff is crazy. The other day, a member of the opposition, a one Okello Okello (Whoever named this guy was like “fuck it, I can’t think of a second name for my second born, let’s name the punk twice!) was crying mbu “someone put juju outside my fence, but am not scared, even though am now busy reporting the matter to the police, am not scared!”
As of today, the boss at the Forestry Authority, yep, the guy that replaced the guy whose wife replaced 900 million bucks under his bed with irish potato peelings, was crying to the press how “I cannot be scared of just these banana leaves, we shall remain vigilant….blah blah blah….and blah!!” Why it was front page news…there was probably nothing else!
In Rwanda, the Rwanda government is looking for it’s former Army Commander, what he did or when he did whatever he is accused of doin, remains everyone’s guess, it’s believed he’s hiding out in South Africa, so the best chance for them to catch him is keep watching the world cup games and concentrate a lot whenever the camera zooms into the stands, then they’ll be like “Red Hut 1 red Hut 1, this is Blue monkey3, I repeat, Blue Monkey 3, the bugger is in Blomfentein stadium, Bub, I see him, roger that and copy that, send the boys to the Argentina locker room, they are playing there now goddamitt!!”
At Garden City, the manager of Khana Khazana gambled all his dimes on the second floor based casino. He must have thought “shit, my vife is goin to kill me”, so he jumped to his death before his “vife” could push him off his balcony when he told her the news later that night.
Right across town in the land of wakina Raila na Kibaki, politics is way larger than we here have ever seen. So the Prime Minister sacks a minister, a former ally of his, heck, these chaps used to sling shots, political stones, at their common foe Kibaki just before they headed for a ki Tusker Lager, but fell out, don’t know why, leading to the sacking, but Kibaki, in his laid back style, was like “dawg, dawg, Odinga y’all, let the Minister be, I have reversed yo shit..”, causing confusion on Valentines day in Nairobi. Citizens, in the middle of valentine love hugs and kisses were like, “I love you babe, but in the meantime, what the hell is goin on in government”…”Don’t really know, but this rose is as beautiful as the sunset, let’s hope the cabinet chaps are also having a swell time tonight”. Ruto remains suspended, and Kenyans are still blasting at Carnivore!
In Tanzania, there was no news! Albinos have probably relaxed, they were killing way many of ‘em. If these guys want to practice real juju, why the hell cant they learn from Ug and just wrap some used Duracell batteries and chicken feathers in a dry banana leaf? Works all the time!
This juju stuff is crazy. The other day, a member of the opposition, a one Okello Okello (Whoever named this guy was like “fuck it, I can’t think of a second name for my second born, let’s name the punk twice!) was crying mbu “someone put juju outside my fence, but am not scared, even though am now busy reporting the matter to the police, am not scared!”
As of today, the boss at the Forestry Authority, yep, the guy that replaced the guy whose wife replaced 900 million bucks under his bed with irish potato peelings, was crying to the press how “I cannot be scared of just these banana leaves, we shall remain vigilant….blah blah blah….and blah!!” Why it was front page news…there was probably nothing else!
In Rwanda, the Rwanda government is looking for it’s former Army Commander, what he did or when he did whatever he is accused of doin, remains everyone’s guess, it’s believed he’s hiding out in South Africa, so the best chance for them to catch him is keep watching the world cup games and concentrate a lot whenever the camera zooms into the stands, then they’ll be like “Red Hut 1 red Hut 1, this is Blue monkey3, I repeat, Blue Monkey 3, the bugger is in Blomfentein stadium, Bub, I see him, roger that and copy that, send the boys to the Argentina locker room, they are playing there now goddamitt!!”
At Garden City, the manager of Khana Khazana gambled all his dimes on the second floor based casino. He must have thought “shit, my vife is goin to kill me”, so he jumped to his death before his “vife” could push him off his balcony when he told her the news later that night.
Right across town in the land of wakina Raila na Kibaki, politics is way larger than we here have ever seen. So the Prime Minister sacks a minister, a former ally of his, heck, these chaps used to sling shots, political stones, at their common foe Kibaki just before they headed for a ki Tusker Lager, but fell out, don’t know why, leading to the sacking, but Kibaki, in his laid back style, was like “dawg, dawg, Odinga y’all, let the Minister be, I have reversed yo shit..”, causing confusion on Valentines day in Nairobi. Citizens, in the middle of valentine love hugs and kisses were like, “I love you babe, but in the meantime, what the hell is goin on in government”…”Don’t really know, but this rose is as beautiful as the sunset, let’s hope the cabinet chaps are also having a swell time tonight”. Ruto remains suspended, and Kenyans are still blasting at Carnivore!
In Tanzania, there was no news! Albinos have probably relaxed, they were killing way many of ‘em. If these guys want to practice real juju, why the hell cant they learn from Ug and just wrap some used Duracell batteries and chicken feathers in a dry banana leaf? Works all the time!
Samson and Delilah on Cable!!
There’s a new phenomenon rokin Kampala, and thank goodness, there’s no tear gas involved in it. Opposition party leaders are now pissed off they cant use this kabozi to start yet another useless riot.
Am talking bout cable TV!! Yeah baby yeah! We can now pose that we have ESPN, E! (that’s for the chicks who be painting their bu-toe nails on weekends) and Discovery channel (where we chaps learn the art of “hunting”, when u see a herd of chicks at Just Kickin, first separate the potential prey from the group, then swing in for the kill, probably with some shots of tequila, and some salt balancing off your closed fist….and the meal is served) “Chauvinist bastard!!!” they shout!
You may wonderin, and probably yellin, what’s the point you punk?? Well, here’s the point.
Among the channels that cable has blessed us with (for just 40,000/= a month, depending on how nicely you smile at the debt collector ((chicks pay 20,000/= a month, for the same bloody channels, we should open a shop where we can hire chick’s smiles, works well with lecturer’s too)) is MGM! These guys can decide to kill you with some of their OLDEST movies. You be watching some movie with Moses splitting the red sea and stuff, Samson breakin down buildings……which forced me to go see this story again, having raised my curiosity.
As you know, the Israelites are ALWAYS the eventual heroes of the bible stories, and the Philistines (oba Palestines) were the weak chaps. David (Israelite) brought down Goliath(Philistine) with just a ka-stone, as opposed to the rocket propelled bazooka and grenade launchers Goliath was armed with, ok, they were not there in those times, but reading about this Goliath character it looks like he had all this stuff, got it?
So there’s this Israelite chap Samson, strong as hell, even that Swazenegger chap would have folded in front of him like an un-sold chap at a kiosk outside Iguana that’s been there for 3 days! The Philistines (Arafat’s ancestors) were as scared of this chap as Olara Otunnu seeing an unmarried chick. This guy was so bad he would cause an earthquake and Bill Clinton couldn’t even raise dimes to get the Israelites out of that mess.
In their wisdom, the Philistines hatched a plan, which makes you wonder, why the hell hasn’t the UPDF used this technique to harvest that loon Kony from wherever he is still smoking weed? Back to the story…..sorry for the interruption.
The plan, was to get a ki ballistic brown brown, confuse her with some dimes, sijui pieces of silver, which was a heavy dime, considering she accepted. They probably told her it could be exchanged at any forex bureau in Jerusalem. Delilah, as the ballistic lass turned out to be known, was to vibe Samson till she made him scream in ecstasy, and in the process, he would also whisper to her the source of his strength, which the Philistines would disable, and make him just a normal weak man, like Nasser Ssebagala, the chap that cant win an election, despite bribing EVERYONE that voted, heck, even his son might have voted against…..sorry for interruption, again.
The first attempt went bad, Delilah was like, “tell me the source of yo strength, and I……shall take you places you’ve never been before!!”. She took him places he’d been before, probably many times, coz he lied…..thrice.
The Philistine CMI, FBI and JATT bosses were like “bitch….we are sick and tired of yo lame ass excuses, if you don’t deliver Samson to us, we shall shave you like the UPDF did to that Candida chick in 1998!! Right bitch??”
Delilah probably watched “Basic instinct” and “Monster’s ball” that night, coz she made the guy talk!! And his hair was cut off, and with it, went all his former strength. The weeks that followed for Samson were of torture, even members of the Human Rights Commission feared to visit that particular safe house, even though they let ‘em. Samson’s eyes were gouged out, and he was whipped like a wanton prostitute on her last job before she switches careers!
Only when the Philistine buggers decided to parade their prize at a ceremony somewhere in the largest building, did Samson bring it down like a half complete building on Nasser Road that just collapses at the slightest breeze!
Unlike today’s movies, I failed to see the moral of this story, and promptly switched to HBO!
Am talking bout cable TV!! Yeah baby yeah! We can now pose that we have ESPN, E! (that’s for the chicks who be painting their bu-toe nails on weekends) and Discovery channel (where we chaps learn the art of “hunting”, when u see a herd of chicks at Just Kickin, first separate the potential prey from the group, then swing in for the kill, probably with some shots of tequila, and some salt balancing off your closed fist….and the meal is served) “Chauvinist bastard!!!” they shout!
You may wonderin, and probably yellin, what’s the point you punk?? Well, here’s the point.
Among the channels that cable has blessed us with (for just 40,000/= a month, depending on how nicely you smile at the debt collector ((chicks pay 20,000/= a month, for the same bloody channels, we should open a shop where we can hire chick’s smiles, works well with lecturer’s too)) is MGM! These guys can decide to kill you with some of their OLDEST movies. You be watching some movie with Moses splitting the red sea and stuff, Samson breakin down buildings……which forced me to go see this story again, having raised my curiosity.
As you know, the Israelites are ALWAYS the eventual heroes of the bible stories, and the Philistines (oba Palestines) were the weak chaps. David (Israelite) brought down Goliath(Philistine) with just a ka-stone, as opposed to the rocket propelled bazooka and grenade launchers Goliath was armed with, ok, they were not there in those times, but reading about this Goliath character it looks like he had all this stuff, got it?
So there’s this Israelite chap Samson, strong as hell, even that Swazenegger chap would have folded in front of him like an un-sold chap at a kiosk outside Iguana that’s been there for 3 days! The Philistines (Arafat’s ancestors) were as scared of this chap as Olara Otunnu seeing an unmarried chick. This guy was so bad he would cause an earthquake and Bill Clinton couldn’t even raise dimes to get the Israelites out of that mess.
In their wisdom, the Philistines hatched a plan, which makes you wonder, why the hell hasn’t the UPDF used this technique to harvest that loon Kony from wherever he is still smoking weed? Back to the story…..sorry for the interruption.
The plan, was to get a ki ballistic brown brown, confuse her with some dimes, sijui pieces of silver, which was a heavy dime, considering she accepted. They probably told her it could be exchanged at any forex bureau in Jerusalem. Delilah, as the ballistic lass turned out to be known, was to vibe Samson till she made him scream in ecstasy, and in the process, he would also whisper to her the source of his strength, which the Philistines would disable, and make him just a normal weak man, like Nasser Ssebagala, the chap that cant win an election, despite bribing EVERYONE that voted, heck, even his son might have voted against…..sorry for interruption, again.
The first attempt went bad, Delilah was like, “tell me the source of yo strength, and I……shall take you places you’ve never been before!!”. She took him places he’d been before, probably many times, coz he lied…..thrice.
The Philistine CMI, FBI and JATT bosses were like “bitch….we are sick and tired of yo lame ass excuses, if you don’t deliver Samson to us, we shall shave you like the UPDF did to that Candida chick in 1998!! Right bitch??”
Delilah probably watched “Basic instinct” and “Monster’s ball” that night, coz she made the guy talk!! And his hair was cut off, and with it, went all his former strength. The weeks that followed for Samson were of torture, even members of the Human Rights Commission feared to visit that particular safe house, even though they let ‘em. Samson’s eyes were gouged out, and he was whipped like a wanton prostitute on her last job before she switches careers!
Only when the Philistine buggers decided to parade their prize at a ceremony somewhere in the largest building, did Samson bring it down like a half complete building on Nasser Road that just collapses at the slightest breeze!
Unlike today’s movies, I failed to see the moral of this story, and promptly switched to HBO!
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