From the office....to the streets!! A how-to guide!!

Life can suddenly take a strange twist for the worse, just when u thought all was fine. So u have just bought that car…..thanks to Barclays car loans….of course u didn’t save for it, you poser you! So you have just entered that Bugolobi flat…thanks to National Housing’s mortgage plans with your employers….of course you never paid the goodwill, you poser you! And oh, you have just married that person you think will spend the rest of their lives with you…..this one, thanks to you, and our wedding meeting contributions MOST ESPECIALLY, you pose…..!

Anyways, while you are in the middle of this blast, just when you think everything is going your way, then BAM, company restructure, and yo department, yes, all ye buggers in the Human Resource Department, who torture chaps more than the Parliamentary Accounts Committee are flushed like used toilet paper, from yo swanky swinging chairs, what’s that crap of “come for the interview not too late, but not too early, don’t be too smart, but not shabby, carry a copy of yo cv, in case we have lost yours, and don’t, never, try to shake our hands……” those darn HR bastards!

So, since we are praying for them all to be on the streets, here are the options they have while lounging at the Jinja Road traffic lights after their sacking;

1 – Hawker; Here, you shall be required to carry a wide variety of stuff, with the hope that we, yes we, the guys that you told are “not worthy of a company like ours whose objectives are better suited to more articulate punks” shall be yo prospective clients. We shall be the only hope you have for a meal, and that meal shall consist of boiled beans and left over pumpkins from a buffet at Centenary park which you and yo colleagues shall be fighting over, at exactly 11pm when we chaps are in a bar. This food will cost you just 1,500 bucks. Now, you may wonder, how do I make 1,500 bucks; unlike your former posing self, I shall give u ideas. U may sell handkerchiefs, coz town is hot as hell, and equally dusty, by the time u rack up about 8, yo profit shall be about 2,000 bucks, so u can celebrate by bumping up to boiled water in a polythene bag, leave the tap for today. Oh, u may also sell calenders with pics of Bebe Cool, chaps buy them like a problem, or better yet, u can be a maestro dealer of DVD’s, and make sure they are written on “clear copy”, so u build a “rep” on the streets….what? U don’t know “rep”? U office punks, that’s “reputation” bitch!!

2 – Street preacher; For some weird reason, there’s always a loud empty tin at the traffic lights, and he usually has a bible in hand. U will realize that the one with the smaller bible is a new kid on the streets, broke as hell, matter of fact, these ones go for the “St James Bible”, that’s the cheapest of em’ all, it seems these guys have only cheap stories in that version, so Noah’s ark, which cost more wood than the Titanic, may be omitted in this version. But in order to stand out, you should buy a drum , so when u be singing that π kumbaya my lord π bullshit, u add in some bass, so u may catch our attention, trust me, radio is ALWAYS boring. And don’t point at the drivers, they may “accidentally” run over yo religious foot as they speed off. All you need to do, is yell at everyone how sinful they are, how they are ALL garbage in the eyes of the lord and unless they follow yo path, which looks rather pathetic as u dispense the message, they shall all go to hell. Of course some of us would rather burn downstairs than be stuck with a bunch of nuts like yo self in heavenly clouds, so be sure, we are not paying attention to the shit u be spewing, but we are praying, rather hard, for you to regain your sanity!

3 – Beggar; This will be no easy task, as you may need to burn yourself with acid first, or, if you feel really stuck, you may break yo leg, in 2 different places, coz we, yep, we the chaps you jammed to employ, are the guys cruising the streets with coins to dispense to yo broke ass, and we don’t take pity on any able-bodied chap, we believe you should go dig up some soil and plant maize for Pete’s sake. So, as a beggar, you must prove to our eyes that something is terribly wrong with you, before we toss out those coins.

4 – Newspaper Vendor; To achieve this task, you must have fed on yams (Usain Bolt) while still an HR admin at that company you were posing on, previously on twenty….no, previously on yo ballistic life. We chaps like to first read at least the first 2 pages of the paper before we make up our minds on which one to buy, heck, if we had a chance, we would read the whole damn paper godamit! So, when the lights turn green, it’s usually the moment of truth…the split second that the brain figures “I want red pepper, coz I only saw half the naked chick”, now the lights are green and am fidgeting to get yo coins, why cant you just sell the paper for 1,000 bucks, now I need a 500 coin too. It’s during this process of retrieving the coin that the cars behind are hooting incessantly, so I need to move, and so do you! By the time I’ve got the coin, al have moved about 70 meters, with you at the door, with one hand balancing the rest of the newspapers, and yo feet dragging on the tarmac so yo slippers don’t fly off! That’s how fit you should be.

5 – Taxi Tout; This is the WORST of em street hassles, coz you must have vocal training. How do you think Chameleon got his voice, or Bebe Fool, or Buchaman? They did their first hassles calling out chaps “Luzira meat Bugolobi….luzira meat bugolobi….omu asigadde….one and we going…onry one we going…” So, if you have the ability to yell, yes, like how you used to when my corporate friend would come in late, all that stuff of “our policy does not entail that you come 1 minute after the stipulated time on yo contract, which I dare not remind you that you signed…..blah blah blah”, with that training at yelling at corporatal chaps, yo ass is ready for the streets!

6 – Card dealer / hassler; All you need are 3 cards, place them upside down and tell a fella to guess which one is the queen as you shuffle them like you used to shuffle department heads. This one is called “double or nothing”. The chap you are hassling gives you, say 5k, then when he finds the Queen, he gets 10k. For this stunt, you have to employ the services of the former HR assistant to be yo first client, coz the assistant shall win the first 3 bets, getting the rest of us interested, and this is where yo street smarts set in, coz u will shuffle these cards like yo life depended on it, hey, wait a minute, yo life DOES depend on it! U will take these sucka's money till they call Judith Nabakooba, the police spokeswoman, to announce that there’s a new crime in town….are we togezza???!

So, all ye corporate punks out there that be splashing on us muddy water while we await our taxis….all ye punks that be knocking us off our bikes while we head to the same place…..all ye human resource buggers that have tortured, fired, told bullshit to prospective employees….we are waiting for you!!

Ps: Poor human resource chaps, nga people have nuggu for them....just employ everyone!!