Its always easy to know when the little rascals are back for the holidays……….No no, sori, let me introduce the story again!!
Its always easy to know when the little buggers, the simple bastards, the cheap pumpkin heads are back for the holidays! First, there’s that un-ending traffic jam, then the whole town gets full of empty biscuit boxes and sweet covers, éclairs to be exact! This we usually tolerate, but our boiling points reach peak levels when the little nappy heads invade our bars; rugby club, Al Zawadi and Fat Boyz become scenes similar to a Lil Wayne video!
The little idiots always move in gangs, as if to scare the bar men to give in and offer 80% discounts on their favourite 80% alcohol-content liquor! They then proceed to the parking lots, or the middle of the road, in case the bar in question is Al Zawadi, from where they proceed to unleash a torrent of abuses to any chap who dares drive through the road!
The simple bastards then give themselves permission to break the empty bottles of the liquor they have been drinking, on any unlucky piece of metal, that could have previously gone by the name Mercedes, BMW or Toyota Corolla!
They yell out garbage like “lets go to Silo”, then all 20 of them squeeze into this tiny car, which usually has a message stuck on the rear of the seat belt “licensed to carry 4 passengers”, but not these lumpens, they somehow make miracles of the 20 thousand shillings they all have amongst them! How they get into Silk???? Still baffles the average corporate employee!
An average kid will buy 1 rwenzori mineral water, which he will cling on to, like his entire life depended on it, for an average of 4 hours, or just until he gets a break when u, yes u the rich one, decides to take a pee break, and then the rascal swoops in for the kill, that bit of the beer which u hadn’t poured into your glass yet, and scoop it off the table with the precision and speed that falcons and eagles use to catch their prey! His claws will cling onto his prize and his face will beam with a smile of a hyena that snatched a buffalo hoof from that lone lioness!! This scene was sooooo nice, it had to be explained in symbolism!! So now we can call them hyenas, vultures, wild animals!! They should be filmed for Nat Geo Wild, and screened on a Sunday afternoon with the rest of the planet’s deadliest animals, for that’s what they are!
A typical day’s life of the vulture goes thus;
4pm: “Dawg, waaaddduuuuppppp!!!!! Man I gots some cheddar from pops, av hollad the rest of the cats to meet at Fatty’s!! (Am sori people, that’s Fat Boz!) But I haven’t clack that dwanzie Timo, mbu his digs is far, and he doesn’t have the tash for Fatty’s!! (Interpretation again – I don’t understand that dude Tomi, he says his home is far and he doesn’t have the right gear for Fat Boyz! ((don’t ask how I know, yes, me the old chap in this story!!))”
6pm at Fatty’s: “Yo dawg, do u see that chap at the counter with a full pint, that’s my target, am getting me a Bell!!! What’s yours?? Dawg, today am in the mood for punch, al take the chick to his left!! In the meantime, lets be hugging onto this mineral water, or they’ll kick us out of here!!”
Fellaz, if u ever lost a pint while on a wee wee break, it’s the HOLIDAYS bi-a-acth!!
It is my proposal however that we call in that chap who sacrificed a kid for his building in town, we can HAPPILY offer him these pumpkins, he said he wants them between 15 and 21, PERFECT!!!
Just the other day, I happened to be part of the Legal aid team helping poor criminals that cant afford legal fees, and no, I wasn’t the lawyer in question, I had actually returned the lawyer’s car that I had earlier borrowed, and waited for him inside the court, so somehow, a little lumpen, a BUDONIAN I must add, had been caught drink driving and had been brought to court!
Here’s how it went;
Little Lumpen: Yo judge dawg, me and my cats from England were at ……….
Legal Aid Chap: England?
Lumpen: Its our house, ddduuuuuhhhhh!!!
Legal Aid Chap: U live in England?
Lumpen: No fool, that’s our house, um, its in Buddo!! How can’t u know it? EVERYONE knows Buddo!! So anyways, I was with my cats hollering at the squeezes whoof whoof!! We were blazing on free swallow at fattys when all of a sudden……
Judge: Get this crazy young fool outta my chambers!! I sentence him to 3 weeks garbage cleaning at the Mulago roundabout!!
Legal Aid Chap: Um Judge, we the Al Zawadi fraternity would like to extend this ruling to about 2000 others of his kind. Please pass this ruling unto them too, and u shall be indicted into the Bar Men’s Hall of Fame!
Judge: Granted!!
Oh how we wish!!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wisdom Tooth!
A normal human chap has 32 teeth, well, with the exception of Tiger Woods, P Diddy and AY, the TZ musician, well these chaps have like 54 teeth, and there’s picture evidence to prove these baseless allegations!
Anywho, personally, I have 32, am not really sure, but that’s what the dentist said when I went to see the chap last week! By the time u ever go to a dentist, u must either be self conscious of yo-wa presentation aka grooming, or u will be in such big pain that u shall be like “ok fuck it, al go see the torturer now!” Yes Maggie, u are right, I belong to the pain group!
Recent studies, well, even if it weren’t recent, I would still type recent, what do I care, AM IN PAIN GODAMITT!!! Sori there, but I was thinking of the dentist, hence the rage!
Ok, studies have shown that dentists are the most feared people in life, followed by George Bush, both of them, then Joseph Kony, then Ugandan Ministers, then MP’s, then murderers, then defilers, then robbers, then Spanish soaps and then finally tele-tubbies! So by the time u drag yo ass to the dentist, or rather yo mouth, then u must really have no choice, the pain is the gun and it’s pointing at u!
Back to the story, u see I had my 33rd tooth growing at the back of the last tooth, aka molar! So first I sprinkled salt, to just wish away the inevitable. When I got inklings of pain to indicate a problem, I just did what a normal dentist-phobic chap would do, drink pints so I could sleep fast, plus some salt! But like at 3am, I was up, with a strange pounding at the back of the mouth! It’s like my heart had shifted, and not just shifting, it had been moved by AGS worldwide movers, with the help of DHL, UPS and any other three lettered pumpkins that move things, coz this pounding was like it was for sending blood to the rest of the body, and the aorta and veins were lodged next to my ear!
A full kilogram of salt lodged to the painful area didn’t help much, and so were the 20 tablets of aspirin added to the salt, tooth no. 33 was really pissed with me for some reason, maybe becoz I used the toothpick to remove the food I was teasing it with 3 times a day!
I went straight to the first dentist I met coz this pounding was more irritating than a Celine Dion song, just think of it like that song of hers that goes “I drove all niiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhtttttt!!!” I was pounded all niiiiiiiggghhhttt! (Its for this reason that I suggest Capital FM be used to kill death row inmates, since using spears is a bit archaic!!)
Dr Pain told me I had a wisdom tooth! I said “What?? Just because I came to see u doesn’t mean am any wiser! Matter of fact, I still believe the pot holes are still many, and that’s what I thought yesterday, so what’s this wisdom business?”
The wisdom story caught me off guard, coz whenever I hear that word, am reminded of King Solomon, that guy that used to talk to God, am sure they were on Warid to Warid, coz they had many conversations, I believe it was something like;
King S: Yo Gad, wadduupppp!!! Its Solo down here, whats happening?
God: Sup Bro, I hear u had some baby mamas down there fighting for a kid? Did the price of pampers and SMA gold go down or wat?
King S: Nah man, whoever wins gets child support! But no worries I sorted it all out, just used my wisdom and told em to cut the kid in 2, and one mom was dying to, so I knew she was just scamming for free rent and shit! But its all cool, gotta go now, my minute is getting over, peace out bro!!
These days however, our leaders don’t have wisdom, they amended it to Vision, ya, and only 1 chap has the rights to it at a given go!!
This bloody story keeps taking corners, yet it was about a bloody tooth! Anywho, the Doctor chap proceeded to use needles and other gadgets I last saw in 24, when Jack Bauer was having a normal conversation with Demitri Gridenko, that Russian terrorist!! This dental clinic should be called CTU!!
The rest of the story shall be told when am sure the dentist wont give me crazy pills, so no annoying him for now!
Anywho, personally, I have 32, am not really sure, but that’s what the dentist said when I went to see the chap last week! By the time u ever go to a dentist, u must either be self conscious of yo-wa presentation aka grooming, or u will be in such big pain that u shall be like “ok fuck it, al go see the torturer now!” Yes Maggie, u are right, I belong to the pain group!
Recent studies, well, even if it weren’t recent, I would still type recent, what do I care, AM IN PAIN GODAMITT!!! Sori there, but I was thinking of the dentist, hence the rage!
Ok, studies have shown that dentists are the most feared people in life, followed by George Bush, both of them, then Joseph Kony, then Ugandan Ministers, then MP’s, then murderers, then defilers, then robbers, then Spanish soaps and then finally tele-tubbies! So by the time u drag yo ass to the dentist, or rather yo mouth, then u must really have no choice, the pain is the gun and it’s pointing at u!
Back to the story, u see I had my 33rd tooth growing at the back of the last tooth, aka molar! So first I sprinkled salt, to just wish away the inevitable. When I got inklings of pain to indicate a problem, I just did what a normal dentist-phobic chap would do, drink pints so I could sleep fast, plus some salt! But like at 3am, I was up, with a strange pounding at the back of the mouth! It’s like my heart had shifted, and not just shifting, it had been moved by AGS worldwide movers, with the help of DHL, UPS and any other three lettered pumpkins that move things, coz this pounding was like it was for sending blood to the rest of the body, and the aorta and veins were lodged next to my ear!
A full kilogram of salt lodged to the painful area didn’t help much, and so were the 20 tablets of aspirin added to the salt, tooth no. 33 was really pissed with me for some reason, maybe becoz I used the toothpick to remove the food I was teasing it with 3 times a day!
I went straight to the first dentist I met coz this pounding was more irritating than a Celine Dion song, just think of it like that song of hers that goes “I drove all niiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhtttttt!!!” I was pounded all niiiiiiiggghhhttt! (Its for this reason that I suggest Capital FM be used to kill death row inmates, since using spears is a bit archaic!!)
Dr Pain told me I had a wisdom tooth! I said “What?? Just because I came to see u doesn’t mean am any wiser! Matter of fact, I still believe the pot holes are still many, and that’s what I thought yesterday, so what’s this wisdom business?”
The wisdom story caught me off guard, coz whenever I hear that word, am reminded of King Solomon, that guy that used to talk to God, am sure they were on Warid to Warid, coz they had many conversations, I believe it was something like;
King S: Yo Gad, wadduupppp!!! Its Solo down here, whats happening?
God: Sup Bro, I hear u had some baby mamas down there fighting for a kid? Did the price of pampers and SMA gold go down or wat?
King S: Nah man, whoever wins gets child support! But no worries I sorted it all out, just used my wisdom and told em to cut the kid in 2, and one mom was dying to, so I knew she was just scamming for free rent and shit! But its all cool, gotta go now, my minute is getting over, peace out bro!!
These days however, our leaders don’t have wisdom, they amended it to Vision, ya, and only 1 chap has the rights to it at a given go!!
This bloody story keeps taking corners, yet it was about a bloody tooth! Anywho, the Doctor chap proceeded to use needles and other gadgets I last saw in 24, when Jack Bauer was having a normal conversation with Demitri Gridenko, that Russian terrorist!! This dental clinic should be called CTU!!
The rest of the story shall be told when am sure the dentist wont give me crazy pills, so no annoying him for now!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Chicken shit for the soul!!
It is now a fact that self help books are the highest selling genre of books in stores worldwide! Heck, even Aristoc booklex added 2 shelves at the self help section, plus anatha of religion, coz guys be snapping up these books like a problem. Apparently it looks like people’s problems are on the rise, but what exactly do we learn from these books?
Our research team was dispatched to Aristoc to see exactly whats in these books, and these were the findings from these books, with our interpretations;
1- Follow your dreams – We all have dreams, like slapping our bosses every morning they step in the office and ask for those strategy reports, that you didn’t do of course, because u had to attend that kasiki till 3am! Oh, theres also that dream where u undressed the secretary, not the secretary of state, but that chick that sits in the MD’s office, somehow they are always ballistic!
If we were going to follow these dreams, we would be messed!!
2- Believe in yourself – What the hell else do we believe in? I guess when these guys wrote these books, they thought we believed we were other people! So if u always wake up every morning and the first thing in yo head is “I am Obama’s cousin”, then u need to buy these books, so that u start believing stuff like “I am myself!!”
3- Set yourself a goal – Go to a soccer pitch and steal one, if u simply cant make it yourself!
4- What drives you? – The books say you have to find something that drives u! So what u are looking for is an engine and a steering wheel, so u can be driven! We prefer to drive, not be driven!
5- U are better than the rest – The book will go ahead to convince you that u are superior to the rest, and if u set yourself to achieve something, u will get it, never mind u have no rent, no dimes for pints, and heck, u cant even take that chick for a movie, but what the hell, u are better than those chaps that do the above, at least according to the book!
So we figured, people simply like to be assured they are not as miserable as they really are, so they will buy these books to convince themselves just that. It has been said before, that the only people who benefit from self-help books are the authors, what with the seminars they will be invited to, and the book sales of course!
The best book we picked out however was aptly named “chicken shit for the soul” , u can google it, if u think am just lying those of lies!! It sold a lot, it even got a part 2 installment! So before u do anything silly, consider these sayings;
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!”
“Don’t put off till tomorrow…..what u can avoid doing altogether!”
Our research team was dispatched to Aristoc to see exactly whats in these books, and these were the findings from these books, with our interpretations;
1- Follow your dreams – We all have dreams, like slapping our bosses every morning they step in the office and ask for those strategy reports, that you didn’t do of course, because u had to attend that kasiki till 3am! Oh, theres also that dream where u undressed the secretary, not the secretary of state, but that chick that sits in the MD’s office, somehow they are always ballistic!
If we were going to follow these dreams, we would be messed!!
2- Believe in yourself – What the hell else do we believe in? I guess when these guys wrote these books, they thought we believed we were other people! So if u always wake up every morning and the first thing in yo head is “I am Obama’s cousin”, then u need to buy these books, so that u start believing stuff like “I am myself!!”
3- Set yourself a goal – Go to a soccer pitch and steal one, if u simply cant make it yourself!
4- What drives you? – The books say you have to find something that drives u! So what u are looking for is an engine and a steering wheel, so u can be driven! We prefer to drive, not be driven!
5- U are better than the rest – The book will go ahead to convince you that u are superior to the rest, and if u set yourself to achieve something, u will get it, never mind u have no rent, no dimes for pints, and heck, u cant even take that chick for a movie, but what the hell, u are better than those chaps that do the above, at least according to the book!
So we figured, people simply like to be assured they are not as miserable as they really are, so they will buy these books to convince themselves just that. It has been said before, that the only people who benefit from self-help books are the authors, what with the seminars they will be invited to, and the book sales of course!
The best book we picked out however was aptly named “chicken shit for the soul” , u can google it, if u think am just lying those of lies!! It sold a lot, it even got a part 2 installment! So before u do anything silly, consider these sayings;
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!”
“Don’t put off till tomorrow…..what u can avoid doing altogether!”
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Genesis!!
Scientists and Religious chaps, especially those chaps from the Vatican, are always confusing us with their endless debates! They are now turning out to be like the power sharing agreements in Africa!
The Vatican church guys insist that God was just there chilling, and he decided to get clay to make some stuff, and then poof, some chap showed up, lets call him Adam! Then he looked for more clay but it was nowhere to be seen, so he figured, this chap’s rib has enough clay to make a chick! So he took 1, and then poof, there was Sheba!! I mean Eve!
Apparently the Vatican guys don’t tell us where the snake came from, probably from Adam’s testicles, coz they have a similar movement, and both tilt their heads upwards when they see an apple!! But this snake thingy was too sharp! So Adam was just there walking, thinking of which university to apply to, for his Masters degree, when he stumbled upon snake! He was like,
“Snake dude, the thirst is killing me, where do I find an apple or something”
“Dawg, walk down to the river side, u shall pass two mountains, then u will find a crater called navel, but pass by it too, then u shall find a bushy area down there, and that’s where the apples are”
“Thanks dude, now can u slither away, I gots me an apple to eat”
But alas, Sheba, sori, Eve was there too, and they shared the apple! Apparently it made them aware that they were naked! The sea of knowledge begun to stream in. So when God called Adam for a discussion on term limits for one to be God, Adam was like “hold up, I have to first go to Woolworths for some gear”
“How did u know about woolworths? Did u chow…sori eat the apple? U shall be cast out of my garden, u shall live on nothing but sin! Your great grandchildren will buy wetlands at 11 billion shillings, and their children will be involved in endless fighting for diamonds and monkeys in Congo! Go now, u punks, and suffer!!!”
The scientists however have still jammed this kabozi, they insist on some particles that were just moving within space, minding their own, then somehow they met! It was love at first night, coz these particles didn’t waste time, sijui dating and buying roses! One particle was like,
“Yo molecule, u must have a taste of this “chow” thingy, on account of it being some very good shit!!” And VOILA, man was made!! He went on to step on the moon, invade Iraq, and sing crappy songs like “Its all coming back to me noooooowwwwww!!”
We the lay people are still confused on who to believe, but when the Vatican declared a quarterly loss of 30 million dollars in the last quarter, due to the decline of the dollar, I decided to follow the scientists!!
The Vatican church guys insist that God was just there chilling, and he decided to get clay to make some stuff, and then poof, some chap showed up, lets call him Adam! Then he looked for more clay but it was nowhere to be seen, so he figured, this chap’s rib has enough clay to make a chick! So he took 1, and then poof, there was Sheba!! I mean Eve!
Apparently the Vatican guys don’t tell us where the snake came from, probably from Adam’s testicles, coz they have a similar movement, and both tilt their heads upwards when they see an apple!! But this snake thingy was too sharp! So Adam was just there walking, thinking of which university to apply to, for his Masters degree, when he stumbled upon snake! He was like,
“Snake dude, the thirst is killing me, where do I find an apple or something”
“Dawg, walk down to the river side, u shall pass two mountains, then u will find a crater called navel, but pass by it too, then u shall find a bushy area down there, and that’s where the apples are”
“Thanks dude, now can u slither away, I gots me an apple to eat”
But alas, Sheba, sori, Eve was there too, and they shared the apple! Apparently it made them aware that they were naked! The sea of knowledge begun to stream in. So when God called Adam for a discussion on term limits for one to be God, Adam was like “hold up, I have to first go to Woolworths for some gear”
“How did u know about woolworths? Did u chow…sori eat the apple? U shall be cast out of my garden, u shall live on nothing but sin! Your great grandchildren will buy wetlands at 11 billion shillings, and their children will be involved in endless fighting for diamonds and monkeys in Congo! Go now, u punks, and suffer!!!”
The scientists however have still jammed this kabozi, they insist on some particles that were just moving within space, minding their own, then somehow they met! It was love at first night, coz these particles didn’t waste time, sijui dating and buying roses! One particle was like,
“Yo molecule, u must have a taste of this “chow” thingy, on account of it being some very good shit!!” And VOILA, man was made!! He went on to step on the moon, invade Iraq, and sing crappy songs like “Its all coming back to me noooooowwwwww!!”
We the lay people are still confused on who to believe, but when the Vatican declared a quarterly loss of 30 million dollars in the last quarter, due to the decline of the dollar, I decided to follow the scientists!!
Africa in hollywood
When africans get their own sensible hollywood, forget this Nigerian crap of witchcraft in all movies, then africans will finally be proud of themselves, not even Obama can solve this one!
Looking at all the hit movies that were made last year with an african theme, theres nothing but disaster!
Last King of Scotland - Amin eating chaps!
Hotel Rwanda - African chopping themselves up!
Blood Diamonds - Africans fighting for small stones!
CNN - Kenyans with machetes, Zimbaweans starving, Congo's displaced chaps etc
Now the white chaps have taken this to anatha level! Recently there was a documentary on NatGeo wild on some crocodile in Burundi that was eating people, which these white chaps came to try and capture but failed! But trust hollywood, they did a movie on this croc, with Linc Burrels, the Prison break guy in a leading role! He was a reporter, just a ka reporter, but he was sent to write about the croc, but his editor was like "make sure u capture it and bring it back ALIVE!" Of course this "reporter" captures the croc, never mind the ENTIRE burundi army had failed!
In comes Jack Bauer with his new 24 movie, called Exile or some shit like that! I just saw the preview, and av sworn not to bother watching the damn movie! This time the setting is yet again in an African country, with a genocide similar to the Rwanda one of 1994, coz the chaps were like "kill all those cockroaches"! And who comes to save the country? Jack Bauer!!! This idiot actually saves the genocide!! We see him in a scene talking to this guy with a machine gun, and he goes "drop yo weapon and i wont hurt u!" I bet this guy was like "Say, this is the dude from 24, i better drop this Uzi gun, I know he just has a pistol but i do remember what he did to Marwan!"
Jack Bauer has generated many jokes in the course of him being the world's only savior. Tales abound of how he once was lying on a desert in Angola, got a hard on, and struck oil!! Aparently, as a sperm Jack tortured the other sperm to give up the location of the egg!! Now the pumpkin is saving a miilion chaps from a genocide! Lets send him to Darfur before its too late! He'll probably make a movie in 2060 of how he saved Darfur, he should take his ass there now!
These hollywood guys make africans look like a bunch of roaches, just cutting each other, then they send JUST 1 white guy to save the country!!
In my first movie, the americans will be dying from the Economic credit crunch, then we shall send Idi Amin to save their asses!
Looking at all the hit movies that were made last year with an african theme, theres nothing but disaster!
Last King of Scotland - Amin eating chaps!
Hotel Rwanda - African chopping themselves up!
Blood Diamonds - Africans fighting for small stones!
CNN - Kenyans with machetes, Zimbaweans starving, Congo's displaced chaps etc
Now the white chaps have taken this to anatha level! Recently there was a documentary on NatGeo wild on some crocodile in Burundi that was eating people, which these white chaps came to try and capture but failed! But trust hollywood, they did a movie on this croc, with Linc Burrels, the Prison break guy in a leading role! He was a reporter, just a ka reporter, but he was sent to write about the croc, but his editor was like "make sure u capture it and bring it back ALIVE!" Of course this "reporter" captures the croc, never mind the ENTIRE burundi army had failed!
In comes Jack Bauer with his new 24 movie, called Exile or some shit like that! I just saw the preview, and av sworn not to bother watching the damn movie! This time the setting is yet again in an African country, with a genocide similar to the Rwanda one of 1994, coz the chaps were like "kill all those cockroaches"! And who comes to save the country? Jack Bauer!!! This idiot actually saves the genocide!! We see him in a scene talking to this guy with a machine gun, and he goes "drop yo weapon and i wont hurt u!" I bet this guy was like "Say, this is the dude from 24, i better drop this Uzi gun, I know he just has a pistol but i do remember what he did to Marwan!"
Jack Bauer has generated many jokes in the course of him being the world's only savior. Tales abound of how he once was lying on a desert in Angola, got a hard on, and struck oil!! Aparently, as a sperm Jack tortured the other sperm to give up the location of the egg!! Now the pumpkin is saving a miilion chaps from a genocide! Lets send him to Darfur before its too late! He'll probably make a movie in 2060 of how he saved Darfur, he should take his ass there now!
These hollywood guys make africans look like a bunch of roaches, just cutting each other, then they send JUST 1 white guy to save the country!!
In my first movie, the americans will be dying from the Economic credit crunch, then we shall send Idi Amin to save their asses!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Loose Bar Talk!
The muslim community in Uganda has split into 2 factions over the court ruling dismissing charges against it’s leader. However, it’s scary to even start with muslims, cause they can issue a fatwa on your ass! We’ll wake up to a crocs classified ad “1 million dollars for the head of that infidel bastard!” Al be like “Say, I am that infidel bastard!!” And that’s when I may decide to hand my own head over, but first ask for a deposit of half the money, to be deposited at a garbage dump, which dimes I would use to make a great escape!
So now that we cant discuss the mufti’s stuffs, we shall turn our attention to bars! I be practically sitting at the bar like every evening, so I get to see all sorts of crappy chaps. Guys walk in with suits, and start chatting up the bar tenders, with crap like “see, my container has delayed at the port, can u believe I spent the whole day at URA?” The bar chick just bees like “Uhhhmm, a container like a bucket?”
Now when these guys get on the phone don’t be confused if u take them for lawyers, coz they be mouthing off stuff like “Er, I just passed the bar, and am now on the other side, am on the bench”
The most un-forgivable Ugandans at bars are chaps that start giving u the most un necessary crap, u be ordering for a pint and the chap goes;
“Man, in Europe, they serve pints in very large glasses, like a bucket, when are u guys bringing that stuff here?”
Then u mess up and talk about the bad bus ride u had to Kabale, coz the roads are pathetic, then he goes;
“Man, I hahad last week on the plane, there was this chick that kept dozing off and leaning on my shoulder, the whole 8 hour flight to Dubai. It was one of my worst. Next time am never using emirates!”
Then by mistake u ask if he will be there for that former class mate’s wedding meeting;
“Man, I may be meeting some clients in Holland, then proceed to New Zealand and probably make a stop in Sydney. Man I want to leave my job, these guys over stress me with these trips!!”
It’s at this point like u feel to go and hang with that savedee chap, coz u won’t have to feed off some zombie’s ego, but instead u will get a shock of yo life, coz Jesus’ ego will supersede this Sydney pumkin’s! U be like;
“Man aren’t u thirsty, don’t u want a soda?”
“Yes I am, but thirsty for Jesus!!!”
“Don’t u think it’ll be easier to use a mouse with that laptop of yours?”
“Dude, a mouse has a curser!!!”
“Alright punk, look, u seem to be this Jesus guy hi mu-selef, now I have bought this water here coz I have no dimes, u either turn it to wine now, or am going to call for u that guy seated at the bar? Wanna hear some outside cow-ntries stories??
He obviously fails the “kabozi” test, so I finally move on to the far corner of the bar, where by bad luck, a politician walks in. He is in the NRM, he is also a “rebel MP”. So I ask him how the retreat went, ya, that one to save those NSSF ministers. So he says that after a stern warning from their chairman, who doubles as the Prez of UG, they were asked to vote on the matter, not by secret ballot, but by hand clap! So the speaker of parliament gets up to start the vote, and goes;
“If yo happy and u know it clap yo hands……………………….pa pa pow!”
“If yo happy that they aren’t guilty clap yo hands……………….pa pa pow!”
“If yo happy and u know, that u’ll really let them go, if yo happy and u know it clap yo hands………………………………..PA PA POW!!!!!!”
Mr Chairman, the Ayes have it!! They are now absolved!!!!!
It is at this point, that I went home!
So now that we cant discuss the mufti’s stuffs, we shall turn our attention to bars! I be practically sitting at the bar like every evening, so I get to see all sorts of crappy chaps. Guys walk in with suits, and start chatting up the bar tenders, with crap like “see, my container has delayed at the port, can u believe I spent the whole day at URA?” The bar chick just bees like “Uhhhmm, a container like a bucket?”
Now when these guys get on the phone don’t be confused if u take them for lawyers, coz they be mouthing off stuff like “Er, I just passed the bar, and am now on the other side, am on the bench”
The most un-forgivable Ugandans at bars are chaps that start giving u the most un necessary crap, u be ordering for a pint and the chap goes;
“Man, in Europe, they serve pints in very large glasses, like a bucket, when are u guys bringing that stuff here?”
Then u mess up and talk about the bad bus ride u had to Kabale, coz the roads are pathetic, then he goes;
“Man, I hahad last week on the plane, there was this chick that kept dozing off and leaning on my shoulder, the whole 8 hour flight to Dubai. It was one of my worst. Next time am never using emirates!”
Then by mistake u ask if he will be there for that former class mate’s wedding meeting;
“Man, I may be meeting some clients in Holland, then proceed to New Zealand and probably make a stop in Sydney. Man I want to leave my job, these guys over stress me with these trips!!”
It’s at this point like u feel to go and hang with that savedee chap, coz u won’t have to feed off some zombie’s ego, but instead u will get a shock of yo life, coz Jesus’ ego will supersede this Sydney pumkin’s! U be like;
“Man aren’t u thirsty, don’t u want a soda?”
“Yes I am, but thirsty for Jesus!!!”
“Don’t u think it’ll be easier to use a mouse with that laptop of yours?”
“Dude, a mouse has a curser!!!”
“Alright punk, look, u seem to be this Jesus guy hi mu-selef, now I have bought this water here coz I have no dimes, u either turn it to wine now, or am going to call for u that guy seated at the bar? Wanna hear some outside cow-ntries stories??
He obviously fails the “kabozi” test, so I finally move on to the far corner of the bar, where by bad luck, a politician walks in. He is in the NRM, he is also a “rebel MP”. So I ask him how the retreat went, ya, that one to save those NSSF ministers. So he says that after a stern warning from their chairman, who doubles as the Prez of UG, they were asked to vote on the matter, not by secret ballot, but by hand clap! So the speaker of parliament gets up to start the vote, and goes;
“If yo happy and u know it clap yo hands……………………….pa pa pow!”
“If yo happy that they aren’t guilty clap yo hands……………….pa pa pow!”
“If yo happy and u know, that u’ll really let them go, if yo happy and u know it clap yo hands………………………………..PA PA POW!!!!!!”
Mr Chairman, the Ayes have it!! They are now absolved!!!!!
It is at this point, that I went home!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Quantum Solace
It’s getting harder by the day to distinguish between real life and fiction. Tales have been told of how governments try to direct what the headline news is, for their own purposes. So, when a few weeks back, the King of Buganda, aka Kabaka was stopped from touring a part of his kingdom, we quickly figured that the guy in charge, the Minister of Security did this to divert attention from his own troubles. He must have been with his aides talking bout “Chaps, things are getting tight, we need to get this NSSF stuff off peoples minds, lets figure out something sensitive to play around with”
“Sir, lets play around with the king” “Brilliant, u shall be promoted with the next batch of officers”
And the next day we see in the papers, “Kabaka stopped from touring Nakasongola, rift with government widens!” People who matter, were like “Really, ………er……fuck it, when is the Security minister refunding our dimes?” Then the minister of Finance said “760 billion shillings allocated to the ministry of agriculture not used” People who matter, were like “Really, ………er……fuck it, when is the security minister refunding our dimes?” Before we could settle down, Beti Kamya was like “FDC bosses are trying to kill me” The FDC bosses said “she was trying to blackmail them”, but still, people who matter were like “Really, ………er……fuck it, when is the security minister refunding our dimes?”
So now we have come up with similar situations to explain the events that are unfolding, and created a movie out of it;
Scene 1: An area out of town, to be visited by a king, chicken walk across as the camera cuts to a motorcade raising dust as it enters the town and comes to a halt at the front of the Administrative building. Out comes a king, and he is received by an official from the office building, a security official, for he is in a police uniform. Time for dialogue, Director yells……Aaaaaannnnnnddddd action!
King: Am King Jeffy Joffa, King of Zermunda, am looking for my son Akim!!
Official: Sir, we have got reliable intelligence information that u are actually here to tour this part of your kingdom! Am sorry, but we cant let u do that! We have strict orders from above!
King: OK then, my son came here with his escort Richie, where can I find him?
Official: Richie probably abandoned your son, he raised an orphan called Nicole, and they went to Paris to live at the Hilton.
King: Servant, grab the bags, we are going to France!
Official: am sori sir, but Richie’s chief of protocol was arrested while in Germany en-route to Paris, and is being extradited on genocide charges. He is charged with kidnapping the white bat, and starting the massacre of the Wachiti tribe by the Wachutu tribe, and this can be confirmed by Ace Ventura, pet detective!
King: So what happens now?
Official: We have orders to arrest you. You will be presented to our court to give u a trial that will last strictly 1 month, u will spend the first 3 weeks denouncing our court and our country, but by the 4th week, u will be found guilty and executed in the 5th week, no appeals!
King: And what are u trying me for?
Official: For possession of weapons of mass destruction, we know u are supporting al-nkunda to wreck havoc in Goma. Plus, even your women are “weapons of mass seduction”, and for this you shall also be punished! This court trial shall be code named “Quantum Solace”, and shall be watched strictly by invite, there are already 3 events companies bidding to handle the whole thing!
Intermission, the director has to edit scenes that look like they may potray actual events that have a close resemblance to this script! But he realises, that it’s the actual events that have a close resemblance to the movie!
“Sir, lets play around with the king” “Brilliant, u shall be promoted with the next batch of officers”
And the next day we see in the papers, “Kabaka stopped from touring Nakasongola, rift with government widens!” People who matter, were like “Really, ………er……fuck it, when is the Security minister refunding our dimes?” Then the minister of Finance said “760 billion shillings allocated to the ministry of agriculture not used” People who matter, were like “Really, ………er……fuck it, when is the security minister refunding our dimes?” Before we could settle down, Beti Kamya was like “FDC bosses are trying to kill me” The FDC bosses said “she was trying to blackmail them”, but still, people who matter were like “Really, ………er……fuck it, when is the security minister refunding our dimes?”
So now we have come up with similar situations to explain the events that are unfolding, and created a movie out of it;
Scene 1: An area out of town, to be visited by a king, chicken walk across as the camera cuts to a motorcade raising dust as it enters the town and comes to a halt at the front of the Administrative building. Out comes a king, and he is received by an official from the office building, a security official, for he is in a police uniform. Time for dialogue, Director yells……Aaaaaannnnnnddddd action!
King: Am King Jeffy Joffa, King of Zermunda, am looking for my son Akim!!
Official: Sir, we have got reliable intelligence information that u are actually here to tour this part of your kingdom! Am sorry, but we cant let u do that! We have strict orders from above!
King: OK then, my son came here with his escort Richie, where can I find him?
Official: Richie probably abandoned your son, he raised an orphan called Nicole, and they went to Paris to live at the Hilton.
King: Servant, grab the bags, we are going to France!
Official: am sori sir, but Richie’s chief of protocol was arrested while in Germany en-route to Paris, and is being extradited on genocide charges. He is charged with kidnapping the white bat, and starting the massacre of the Wachiti tribe by the Wachutu tribe, and this can be confirmed by Ace Ventura, pet detective!
King: So what happens now?
Official: We have orders to arrest you. You will be presented to our court to give u a trial that will last strictly 1 month, u will spend the first 3 weeks denouncing our court and our country, but by the 4th week, u will be found guilty and executed in the 5th week, no appeals!
King: And what are u trying me for?
Official: For possession of weapons of mass destruction, we know u are supporting al-nkunda to wreck havoc in Goma. Plus, even your women are “weapons of mass seduction”, and for this you shall also be punished! This court trial shall be code named “Quantum Solace”, and shall be watched strictly by invite, there are already 3 events companies bidding to handle the whole thing!
Intermission, the director has to edit scenes that look like they may potray actual events that have a close resemblance to this script! But he realises, that it’s the actual events that have a close resemblance to the movie!
Ad City!
A quick drive thru Kampala and its suburbs will bring forth to the mind a new kind of advertising where there are posters on virtually every pole in town, every pavement that’s big enough to stick an A4 size paper, heck, even the garbage bins have been plastered all over. The chaps at KCC responsible for the city’s cleanliness must be like “Hey, is it me or does the city look much brighter?”
The problem however is not the advert papers, but the contents, it’s really painful to know that people can put up this stuff and actually get away with it. Now at first, these guys started with notices like “Learn accounts software, call 0752 –xxxxxx, then this failed, then they went to stuff like “For video games and software, call 0752 – xxxxxx”, but this also backfired, so they went sexual, and this worked, I think, coz now there are posters every 3 seconds of;
“To increase manhood size, call…………..”
“Lose weight while eating, call ……………”
“For bigger bums and hips, call…………….”
“For cuter lips, call………………………….”
“Brain boosters for the mentally slow, call……”
“Lose pimples, stretch marks, call……………..”
“To eat chips and chicken for free, call…………”
“To get a free tv, call……………………………”
Advertising companies like ZK and the like must be cursing the gods, for their billboards have been violated by these goons. Electricity and telephone poles haven’t been spared either. But at least these goons should be given the licences to do ads for radio, coz they sound creative.
The ads on radio these days make us as sick as these street ads, imagine something like “Eh eh, u are talking alone? Now where is ufuta???” Despite switching off the radio, u go to tv and find a Spanish soap? We are still investigating the Spanish government, to see who has bribed all our TV execs to show more of this crap!! I am now forming “the association o chaps against Spanish soaps”, care to join??
The problem however is not the advert papers, but the contents, it’s really painful to know that people can put up this stuff and actually get away with it. Now at first, these guys started with notices like “Learn accounts software, call 0752 –xxxxxx, then this failed, then they went to stuff like “For video games and software, call 0752 – xxxxxx”, but this also backfired, so they went sexual, and this worked, I think, coz now there are posters every 3 seconds of;
“To increase manhood size, call…………..”
“Lose weight while eating, call ……………”
“For bigger bums and hips, call…………….”
“For cuter lips, call………………………….”
“Brain boosters for the mentally slow, call……”
“Lose pimples, stretch marks, call……………..”
“To eat chips and chicken for free, call…………”
“To get a free tv, call……………………………”
Advertising companies like ZK and the like must be cursing the gods, for their billboards have been violated by these goons. Electricity and telephone poles haven’t been spared either. But at least these goons should be given the licences to do ads for radio, coz they sound creative.
The ads on radio these days make us as sick as these street ads, imagine something like “Eh eh, u are talking alone? Now where is ufuta???” Despite switching off the radio, u go to tv and find a Spanish soap? We are still investigating the Spanish government, to see who has bribed all our TV execs to show more of this crap!! I am now forming “the association o chaps against Spanish soaps”, care to join??
Friday, November 14, 2008
Studies have shown that.......
Opinion polls are weird stuffs. Practically everything on earth has been “studied”. Imagine this;
“A French magazine which conducted a poll discovered that French men admitted to sleeping with 11.2 women whereas French women admitted to sleeping with 1.8 men”. I bet they were like “Sir, sorry to bother you, I know u are a stock market trader but could u give us a minute of your time and count for us how many women u have slept with? This information is very vital for the survival of humanity!” “Ah, I have slept with 11.2 women?” “Excuse me, point 2?” “Yea, she was mutilated in several areas” “Er, thank you sir for you time!”
“A study showed the IQ range is wider among men than women. In other words scientists believe that the smartest men are smarter than the smartest women but the stupidest men are stupider!” That is very true, coz I have also failed to understand that theory, am among the stupid ones “I s’pose!”
“A survey in New York revealed that the average Manhattan wife takes 14 minutes to switch off the light after going to bed”. I bet this scientist was like “Er Josh, what should we do today?” “I finished all these DNA structure studies and have discovered that molecules and photons are catholic, because they have mass! Now, lets go figure out how long it takes the average Manhattan woman to switch off her lights after going to bed” “And how exactly shall we do that?” “I got the binoculars baby, yyeeaahh!”
“Gold fish remember better in cold water than in warm water”. I bet the idiot that came up with this would show the gold fish 3 bananas, then puts it in cold water, then when he retrieved it, it would yell out “three bananas!”. It would then be put in a jar of warm water and on retrieval, would yell “Read my lips,No more Bush” .
“Crickets hear through their knees”. I bet this is how they found out;
Jack Bauer: “First am going to shoot your left knee, then a scrap off the skin on your right knee cap, till u give me the information!”
Cricket: “Am sori, but if u shoot my knees I wont be able to hear your questions!”
Jack Bauer: “Oh, so u hear through yo knees, Chloe, did u get that? Send that information down to the labs at CTU and verify if what this terrorist says is true, if it is, let the scientists publish it!”
According to a study in California in 1966, pigs are the only mammals other than humans that are capable of getting sunburned. “Alright porky, am heading down to the beach for an hour or so, do u have that sun cream?” “Am right on it, four legs good, sun cream good!”
“Bulls don’t see red – they are color blind”. Here’s how they knew this.
“Mooooooooooooooo”
“Pegy, why are u so upset?”
“The grass here is yellow, I only eat green grass”
“Peggy dear, all grass is the same”
“Really, but I thought…”
“No dear, we are color blind, at least that’s what I told the researcher!”
“Snails mate once in a lifetime, but it lasts for up to 12 hours”. “Joe, u have been up all nite” “Ya, am still watching the snails”
Here's a few other weirdos!
“Zebras have white stripes – not black ones”
“The hundred years war lasted 114 years”
“The bible does not mention Eve eating an apple, nor Jonah being swallowed by a whale”
“A French magazine which conducted a poll discovered that French men admitted to sleeping with 11.2 women whereas French women admitted to sleeping with 1.8 men”. I bet they were like “Sir, sorry to bother you, I know u are a stock market trader but could u give us a minute of your time and count for us how many women u have slept with? This information is very vital for the survival of humanity!” “Ah, I have slept with 11.2 women?” “Excuse me, point 2?” “Yea, she was mutilated in several areas” “Er, thank you sir for you time!”
“A study showed the IQ range is wider among men than women. In other words scientists believe that the smartest men are smarter than the smartest women but the stupidest men are stupider!” That is very true, coz I have also failed to understand that theory, am among the stupid ones “I s’pose!”
“A survey in New York revealed that the average Manhattan wife takes 14 minutes to switch off the light after going to bed”. I bet this scientist was like “Er Josh, what should we do today?” “I finished all these DNA structure studies and have discovered that molecules and photons are catholic, because they have mass! Now, lets go figure out how long it takes the average Manhattan woman to switch off her lights after going to bed” “And how exactly shall we do that?” “I got the binoculars baby, yyeeaahh!”
“Gold fish remember better in cold water than in warm water”. I bet the idiot that came up with this would show the gold fish 3 bananas, then puts it in cold water, then when he retrieved it, it would yell out “three bananas!”. It would then be put in a jar of warm water and on retrieval, would yell “Read my lips,No more Bush” .
“Crickets hear through their knees”. I bet this is how they found out;
Jack Bauer: “First am going to shoot your left knee, then a scrap off the skin on your right knee cap, till u give me the information!”
Cricket: “Am sori, but if u shoot my knees I wont be able to hear your questions!”
Jack Bauer: “Oh, so u hear through yo knees, Chloe, did u get that? Send that information down to the labs at CTU and verify if what this terrorist says is true, if it is, let the scientists publish it!”
According to a study in California in 1966, pigs are the only mammals other than humans that are capable of getting sunburned. “Alright porky, am heading down to the beach for an hour or so, do u have that sun cream?” “Am right on it, four legs good, sun cream good!”
“Bulls don’t see red – they are color blind”. Here’s how they knew this.
“Mooooooooooooooo”
“Pegy, why are u so upset?”
“The grass here is yellow, I only eat green grass”
“Peggy dear, all grass is the same”
“Really, but I thought…”
“No dear, we are color blind, at least that’s what I told the researcher!”
“Snails mate once in a lifetime, but it lasts for up to 12 hours”. “Joe, u have been up all nite” “Ya, am still watching the snails”
Here's a few other weirdos!
“Zebras have white stripes – not black ones”
“The hundred years war lasted 114 years”
“The bible does not mention Eve eating an apple, nor Jonah being swallowed by a whale”
Makerere University is dead!
Makerere University is dead, but we like to watch the corpse decompose!! Heres why;
Since all our TV stations have proved to be a bunch of crap, we have been forced to look for entertainment elsewhere, we may be catching up with the white chaps, by preferring live TV to crappy Spanish soaps that are being forced down our throats.
Luckily enough, we have found one, ladies and gents, Live TV introduces an all new show, season premier started about 8 years back, but it has recently become very entertaining, so we present to you ……Makerere University!
Episode 1: Kenyan students go on strike:
It’s a breezy morning on the campus, and Barrack Obama has just won the election, CNN is covered in Kenyan flag colors, but the camera switches to chaotic scenes outside the University’s main block, we see Kenyan flags alright, and chaotic scenes! The viewer thinks it’s the celebration of Obama’s win, but they are dead wrong! The Kenyan students are on strike!! A quick thought jumps to the head, why would they be on strike? We know the administrators of this uni are so crappy, but we just cant believe the lengths they go to, are they giving the kenyans worse beans than the locals? Are they getting lower marks? Maybe all the mosquitos on campus have been given strict orders to only give malaria to the Kenyans, something like;
“Blue 6, come in, this is red hat 10, confirm location” “Red hat red hat, this is Blue 6, I have the malaria virus with me here, looking for target, please confirm” “Blue six, go sting the third guy from the left, he’s Kenyan” “Roger that, copy that, out is out, malaria parasite deposited, mission accomplished, Kenyan down, I repeat Kenyan down” “Thank you anopheles, sori, I mean blue six, over”
It turns out however that tuition fees for all foreign students had been hiked without notice, we are still waiting on the Tanzanians and Sudanese to strike as well!
Episode 2: Dean of finance gives daughter office:
This was the funniest episode, now this chap, who was the head of LDC was promoted to some other stuff we are not really bothered with spelling out, so he gets a bigger office at the main block. Ordinarily, he would hand over the LDC office to the successor, but no, not this chap. He instead gives the office to his daughter to revise her books, a factor that prepicitated………no, precitipate…….that just cant be right, PRECIPITADED, ah yes, that’s it!! A factor that precipitaded the administration to knock down the door and switch the locks!
Episode 3: 2 billion shilling wall downed by a drizzle:
It was supposed to be “the great wall of campus”, having cost a staggering 2 billion shillings. We were told this would be the eighth wonder of the world, and if u went to the moon u would see it! However, during a slight drizzle, that little annoying downpour that leaves u thinking “should I use the umbrella or not”, and the “great wall had a great fall”. Lets rhyme for these chaps a bit;
Humpty dumpty shat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had built the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
Humpty Dumpty was on the damn wall!
Episode 4: Transcript – Now u see me, now you don’t!
When one graduates, one normally gets a transcript like on…er, graduation day. Here’s the campus scenario;
“Sir, fill in those forms and return after a month”
“Sir, u are saying u filled in the forms a month ago, but we cant see them”
“Sir, we don’t seem to find your results, are you sure u studied here?”
“Sir, the person with your transcript went for further studies in South Africa, please return after 2 years”
“Sir, just leave us alone, we don’t have your bloody transcript!”
Since all our TV stations have proved to be a bunch of crap, we have been forced to look for entertainment elsewhere, we may be catching up with the white chaps, by preferring live TV to crappy Spanish soaps that are being forced down our throats.
Luckily enough, we have found one, ladies and gents, Live TV introduces an all new show, season premier started about 8 years back, but it has recently become very entertaining, so we present to you ……Makerere University!
Episode 1: Kenyan students go on strike:
It’s a breezy morning on the campus, and Barrack Obama has just won the election, CNN is covered in Kenyan flag colors, but the camera switches to chaotic scenes outside the University’s main block, we see Kenyan flags alright, and chaotic scenes! The viewer thinks it’s the celebration of Obama’s win, but they are dead wrong! The Kenyan students are on strike!! A quick thought jumps to the head, why would they be on strike? We know the administrators of this uni are so crappy, but we just cant believe the lengths they go to, are they giving the kenyans worse beans than the locals? Are they getting lower marks? Maybe all the mosquitos on campus have been given strict orders to only give malaria to the Kenyans, something like;
“Blue 6, come in, this is red hat 10, confirm location” “Red hat red hat, this is Blue 6, I have the malaria virus with me here, looking for target, please confirm” “Blue six, go sting the third guy from the left, he’s Kenyan” “Roger that, copy that, out is out, malaria parasite deposited, mission accomplished, Kenyan down, I repeat Kenyan down” “Thank you anopheles, sori, I mean blue six, over”
It turns out however that tuition fees for all foreign students had been hiked without notice, we are still waiting on the Tanzanians and Sudanese to strike as well!
Episode 2: Dean of finance gives daughter office:
This was the funniest episode, now this chap, who was the head of LDC was promoted to some other stuff we are not really bothered with spelling out, so he gets a bigger office at the main block. Ordinarily, he would hand over the LDC office to the successor, but no, not this chap. He instead gives the office to his daughter to revise her books, a factor that prepicitated………no, precitipate…….that just cant be right, PRECIPITADED, ah yes, that’s it!! A factor that precipitaded the administration to knock down the door and switch the locks!
Episode 3: 2 billion shilling wall downed by a drizzle:
It was supposed to be “the great wall of campus”, having cost a staggering 2 billion shillings. We were told this would be the eighth wonder of the world, and if u went to the moon u would see it! However, during a slight drizzle, that little annoying downpour that leaves u thinking “should I use the umbrella or not”, and the “great wall had a great fall”. Lets rhyme for these chaps a bit;
Humpty dumpty shat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had built the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
Humpty Dumpty was on the damn wall!
Episode 4: Transcript – Now u see me, now you don’t!
When one graduates, one normally gets a transcript like on…er, graduation day. Here’s the campus scenario;
“Sir, fill in those forms and return after a month”
“Sir, u are saying u filled in the forms a month ago, but we cant see them”
“Sir, we don’t seem to find your results, are you sure u studied here?”
“Sir, the person with your transcript went for further studies in South Africa, please return after 2 years”
“Sir, just leave us alone, we don’t have your bloody transcript!”
A whorrible event!
A Whorrible Event! Passing by Speke Road the other day, i couldnt help but notice "They are BACK!". Ladies and gents, the police have since stop harrasing the flesh peddlers. As a professional helper, I asked one of them to give me her side of the story, and thus she relates;
Her name is Susan, a common name for these chicks, which is why Whitney Houston was complaining in that song "My name is not Susan". Any who, she was arrested by this policeman who called her a WHORE! He charged her with being a "whor-rible" person. She tried to beep God to intervene, but the network to heaven was interrupted by the "whore-zone" layer!
She told the policeman she was actually on her way to the "Whore-tel", which happens to be across the street, to which he repiled she was just "Whor-rified" by the arrest, and so was telling lies! She then asked to be taken to the "whore-spital", coz she just couldn't manage conditions in the police cells!
"Wh-owever", the constable had other ideas, so he took her to his "whor-use", where he proceeded to mis-use whore body, and later release her back to the road across from the "whore-tel". Thats why she was back!
Her name is Susan, a common name for these chicks, which is why Whitney Houston was complaining in that song "My name is not Susan". Any who, she was arrested by this policeman who called her a WHORE! He charged her with being a "whor-rible" person. She tried to beep God to intervene, but the network to heaven was interrupted by the "whore-zone" layer!
She told the policeman she was actually on her way to the "Whore-tel", which happens to be across the street, to which he repiled she was just "Whor-rified" by the arrest, and so was telling lies! She then asked to be taken to the "whore-spital", coz she just couldn't manage conditions in the police cells!
"Wh-owever", the constable had other ideas, so he took her to his "whor-use", where he proceeded to mis-use whore body, and later release her back to the road across from the "whore-tel". Thats why she was back!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Current Affairs
The credit crunch is nothing like Nestle Coco Crunch, not sweet. This blog, that used to be updated on a daily, has been hit by the global economic crisis, with internet cafes upping rates and all were happy when a 700 billion dollar bailout was announced by the US senate, we thought it would trickle down here but wapi! Germany announced a bailout for its banking industry, Japan for its car industry, and Uganda announced a massive bailout for its Ministers of Security and Finance from the jaws of the censure industry!
What Ugandans wanted was the bailout of the country’s roads, or former roads, but the line minister was like “fuck it, they’ll get used to it!”
You never realise how bad a ride is in Kampala till u take a taxi! It all begins as u stand by the “stage”, which is a spot by the road where a minibus can manoeuvre a way to get slightly off the road, allowing the cars behind to come to a screeching halt and dodge the backside of the taxi that stops without warning!
The conductor opens the door and there’s only one spot left, the front row, where he lets u sit then proceeds to move u over so u share the little seat by the sliding door! He then says “we sikeemu awo”, “push yo-wa selef over”, “Extend”! Now u are squeezed up on the seat, then by some bad luck, the chap behind u wants to pass over some money to the conductor, so the conductor raises out his arm to fetch the dimes, and emits the WORST smell EVER!!! These guy’s armpits have a smell so foul they make sulphuric acid blush! Chemistry lab assistants would be so pissed to learn that there’s actually something worse to torture students with, that they haven’t yet concocted! Wonder why conductors never get malaria? Coz mosquitoes die on impact! Autopsies by Dr Anopheles Mosquito show they were poisoned by nerve gas, produced by a human! It’s the natural DDT!
If businessmen would find a way to can this smell, they would make a dime! We would walk into supermarkets and be like “shop sales lady, do u have a can of conductor’s arm pit?” “Am sori, we run out”. That’s when u reluctantly be like “Ok, al just take Doom, or Farco rapid kill!”. Speaking of which, am wondering what blokes came up with a name like Farco for a repellent! U go to a supermarket and be like; “Can I have 1 fuck-o please” “What size do u want, we have medium and large, what are u, see we really like u guys who take the message seriously and don’t spread around disease” “Slow yo horses there cowgirl, I want a bloody spray, FARCO”
Where was I before this mosquito stuff, ahh, the foul smelling chap! U know, according to Dr Mohinder Suresh, ya, that guy in “heroes”, conductors have superpowers, they emit this odor to make people pay more than they should, therefore mis using their powers, he is still working on a cure, which shall be discovered when the series is eventually cancelled, I mean u don’t expect the guy to give us the solution! We may stop watching Heroes and reluctantly watch Big Brother, the silent killer!
Before long in the taxi, some chap says “maaso awo”, “eyes there”, “stop me there”, and everyone has to get out to give him way, then we assemble ourselves back in the minibus before anatha crappy “eyes there” just 2 minutes later! U get fed up of the nonsense and decide to walk the rest of the way, so u hand the DDT emiting chap a ka 5 thou, he gives u back less money, u protest, he raises his arm, which disorients u and sends u in a dizzy spell, u then say to him “Look, if thought u could just play around with me like all those other chaps u cheat……..u were RIGHT!! Am off to the bank to get a car loan!”
What Ugandans wanted was the bailout of the country’s roads, or former roads, but the line minister was like “fuck it, they’ll get used to it!”
You never realise how bad a ride is in Kampala till u take a taxi! It all begins as u stand by the “stage”, which is a spot by the road where a minibus can manoeuvre a way to get slightly off the road, allowing the cars behind to come to a screeching halt and dodge the backside of the taxi that stops without warning!
The conductor opens the door and there’s only one spot left, the front row, where he lets u sit then proceeds to move u over so u share the little seat by the sliding door! He then says “we sikeemu awo”, “push yo-wa selef over”, “Extend”! Now u are squeezed up on the seat, then by some bad luck, the chap behind u wants to pass over some money to the conductor, so the conductor raises out his arm to fetch the dimes, and emits the WORST smell EVER!!! These guy’s armpits have a smell so foul they make sulphuric acid blush! Chemistry lab assistants would be so pissed to learn that there’s actually something worse to torture students with, that they haven’t yet concocted! Wonder why conductors never get malaria? Coz mosquitoes die on impact! Autopsies by Dr Anopheles Mosquito show they were poisoned by nerve gas, produced by a human! It’s the natural DDT!
If businessmen would find a way to can this smell, they would make a dime! We would walk into supermarkets and be like “shop sales lady, do u have a can of conductor’s arm pit?” “Am sori, we run out”. That’s when u reluctantly be like “Ok, al just take Doom, or Farco rapid kill!”. Speaking of which, am wondering what blokes came up with a name like Farco for a repellent! U go to a supermarket and be like; “Can I have 1 fuck-o please” “What size do u want, we have medium and large, what are u, see we really like u guys who take the message seriously and don’t spread around disease” “Slow yo horses there cowgirl, I want a bloody spray, FARCO”
Where was I before this mosquito stuff, ahh, the foul smelling chap! U know, according to Dr Mohinder Suresh, ya, that guy in “heroes”, conductors have superpowers, they emit this odor to make people pay more than they should, therefore mis using their powers, he is still working on a cure, which shall be discovered when the series is eventually cancelled, I mean u don’t expect the guy to give us the solution! We may stop watching Heroes and reluctantly watch Big Brother, the silent killer!
Before long in the taxi, some chap says “maaso awo”, “eyes there”, “stop me there”, and everyone has to get out to give him way, then we assemble ourselves back in the minibus before anatha crappy “eyes there” just 2 minutes later! U get fed up of the nonsense and decide to walk the rest of the way, so u hand the DDT emiting chap a ka 5 thou, he gives u back less money, u protest, he raises his arm, which disorients u and sends u in a dizzy spell, u then say to him “Look, if thought u could just play around with me like all those other chaps u cheat……..u were RIGHT!! Am off to the bank to get a car loan!”
Ghetto Prez
Al take a few moments to vent out my rage at this pumpkin. His music may be liked alright, but his lifestyle is too weak! I just saw this chap on NTV announcing his upcoming “un plugged” show to be at silk, and the chap was like; (read as is, for realistic effect)
“Aki chuali, di si show willi be ini pulagedi, noti outu pu laggedi” I bet he was trying to say “actually this show will be in plugged, not out plugged”, leaving the question begging, “what the hell is in plugged?” Is this guy high?! I imagine an interview with this nappy head;
Reporter: Mr Wine, u have proclaimed yo self the ghetto president, were u elected?
BW: Aki chualli, I am de best in de inda-su-tu-ri!!
Reporter: Yo wife is Barbie, do u call her Barbie doll?
BW: aki chualli, what is Barbie doll?
Reporter: Never mind, why don’t u go to the ghetto parliament, smoke some of your flowers then come back for a more ballistic interview!
(5 minutes later, he re appears, with jewellery all over the place)
BW: Ya man rasta man wat aguan, big tings a gwan man, big ups to jah rastafari mama baby rememba dat!!
Reporter: What the hell did u just do!
BW: Mi a fi tell dem rasta man de ganja republic man of Uganja big ups to his excellency de ghetto president shhhaaa!!
Reporter: Sir, I gotta go now.
BW: Memba to tell dem rasta fans a mine, mi show will be in-plugged man, carry de ganja and smoka weeda, stinka weeda, and drinka weeda, cchaaa!!!
Reporter: Did u just some weed?
BW: Me a fi tell dem, me smoke ganja and me spread nuttin but propaganja, tell em dat mama baby!
Reporter: Who the hell is mama baby?
BW: Dats di intro to mi first it song! It was a it, skreik to number 1! Tell em dat mama……….
Reporter: Aaaaannnnnd CUT!!!
“Aki chuali, di si show willi be ini pulagedi, noti outu pu laggedi” I bet he was trying to say “actually this show will be in plugged, not out plugged”, leaving the question begging, “what the hell is in plugged?” Is this guy high?! I imagine an interview with this nappy head;
Reporter: Mr Wine, u have proclaimed yo self the ghetto president, were u elected?
BW: Aki chualli, I am de best in de inda-su-tu-ri!!
Reporter: Yo wife is Barbie, do u call her Barbie doll?
BW: aki chualli, what is Barbie doll?
Reporter: Never mind, why don’t u go to the ghetto parliament, smoke some of your flowers then come back for a more ballistic interview!
(5 minutes later, he re appears, with jewellery all over the place)
BW: Ya man rasta man wat aguan, big tings a gwan man, big ups to jah rastafari mama baby rememba dat!!
Reporter: What the hell did u just do!
BW: Mi a fi tell dem rasta man de ganja republic man of Uganja big ups to his excellency de ghetto president shhhaaa!!
Reporter: Sir, I gotta go now.
BW: Memba to tell dem rasta fans a mine, mi show will be in-plugged man, carry de ganja and smoka weeda, stinka weeda, and drinka weeda, cchaaa!!!
Reporter: Did u just some weed?
BW: Me a fi tell dem, me smoke ganja and me spread nuttin but propaganja, tell em dat mama baby!
Reporter: Who the hell is mama baby?
BW: Dats di intro to mi first it song! It was a it, skreik to number 1! Tell em dat mama……….
Reporter: Aaaaannnnnd CUT!!!
Monday, November 10, 2008
This Is Africa!
This Obama stuff is getting too over-played we just might get fed up with the chap before he actually starts his real work, so before we do that, I will also add just one more story, which is a thought on how this election could have gone, if the US was an African country!
First, Obama would have announced his candidacy like 2 years before the election. At around the same time, Bush would have used his chaps in parliament to try and amend the constitution so he could serve a third term, “since there were many projects he had started that he wanted to finish, like the war on terror”. His cronies would bribe fellow legislators to get the required votes to remove term limits, which Bush would go on to win, courtesy of the same stunts he used in his last 2 elections.
Due to pressure from donors, led by the world’s superpower Uganda and its staunch democratic allies Kenya and Zimbabwe who are strongly opposed to life presidencies, and who are major contributors to the US budget, the plans to remove the term limits shall be thwarted, and the election will proceed!
George Bush, who shall be fearing for his future after power, because of the many imprisonments he made during his term, and the lots of money he will have to account for, that were stolen by his closest allies, will then go ahead and hand pick a successor, a one John Mc Cain, who shall be his stooge and protector when he takes over the reins of power!
In all areas, the leading opposition candidate Obama shall see his campaign venues filled to the brim, and shall get many sympathisers from both within the country and abroad! This will prompt the Bush regime to arrest Obama, charging him with rape, and some terrorist connections, since his name is Hussein! He will be charged with the rape of some obscure relative that he used to live with some 10 years earlier, and the Bush regime will hope he says “he bathed with hot water to avoid any infections!”
But Obama will maintain his cool, and these charges will be dismissed, so they will then charge him with connections to terrorists, the big evidence being his middle name, and the fact that he visited Afghanistan when he was still 2 years old! Mc Cain shall be campaigning in the meantime.
When political pressure from the Axis of Dimes, Uganda, Kenya and Zimbabwe step in, Obama shall be released “due to lack of enough evidence” and given 1 month to campaign. But as any other opposition chap in Africa, he is not going to whine about the bad state of the infrastructure, the poor health sector, the lack of jobs or any other sensible stuff! He will hit the electorate with stuff like “he is black, and no one from his clan has ever been given the chance to rule, so now it’s their turn”. His other campaign material will include stuff like “Bush will go! His time is up!”, but no other realistic stuff!
Obama will go ahead to say the “he will create jobs for all, give everyone money and send more people to richer countries to mop their houses, clean their nappies and any other odd jobs, but they will get rich”. People fall for this crap!
With election day looming, Obama supporters shall be tear gassed by the police, several of them beaten and thrown into cells, while many others will flee to exile! Mc Cain will go on to win, despite some irregularities here and there, and he will be sworn in 12 minutes after the Electoral Commission has announced the results!
The natives of the black community will get so pissed off with this result that they will take to the streets, armed with pangas and stuff, burning down the houses of all the people from those other tribes that voted for Mc Cain. The army leadership will stand by their current prez, and will refuse to back Obama, thus sending the US to a month of untold mayhem. A genocide shall be feared, but since Uganda, Kenya and Zimbabwe don’t have any real interests, in terms of oil or gold in the US, they will turn a blind eye to the massacres going on. Before long, mediators from the African Union shall be called in to calm down the situation. Mc Cain and Obama shall be put on a round table to discuss the way forward for the US, Obama shall be made the Executive Prime Minister, with some of his party members being given top ministerial positions in the government, which shall have been made bigger to accommodate both blacks and white tribe representatives.
The peace deal shall be shaky, and Mc Cain will go ahead and name ministers without consulting Obama, including giving himself the Ministry Of Interior, which over sees the police. Obama will reject this proposal outright, and shall call in all African leaders to help mediate. Before long, both men settle, but on a 6 month trial basis. Refugees are called back home, while the Internally Displaced People who have been fed by UNHCR and WFP are re-settled to their homes.
But before long, a one Laurent who is not content with the deal, goes to the bush in Texas, claiming to be fighting for his people, the blacks. The resulting fight displaces most people in Texas, sending them to refugee camps in neighbouring countries………………………………………………..
This Is Africa!!!!!
First, Obama would have announced his candidacy like 2 years before the election. At around the same time, Bush would have used his chaps in parliament to try and amend the constitution so he could serve a third term, “since there were many projects he had started that he wanted to finish, like the war on terror”. His cronies would bribe fellow legislators to get the required votes to remove term limits, which Bush would go on to win, courtesy of the same stunts he used in his last 2 elections.
Due to pressure from donors, led by the world’s superpower Uganda and its staunch democratic allies Kenya and Zimbabwe who are strongly opposed to life presidencies, and who are major contributors to the US budget, the plans to remove the term limits shall be thwarted, and the election will proceed!
George Bush, who shall be fearing for his future after power, because of the many imprisonments he made during his term, and the lots of money he will have to account for, that were stolen by his closest allies, will then go ahead and hand pick a successor, a one John Mc Cain, who shall be his stooge and protector when he takes over the reins of power!
In all areas, the leading opposition candidate Obama shall see his campaign venues filled to the brim, and shall get many sympathisers from both within the country and abroad! This will prompt the Bush regime to arrest Obama, charging him with rape, and some terrorist connections, since his name is Hussein! He will be charged with the rape of some obscure relative that he used to live with some 10 years earlier, and the Bush regime will hope he says “he bathed with hot water to avoid any infections!”
But Obama will maintain his cool, and these charges will be dismissed, so they will then charge him with connections to terrorists, the big evidence being his middle name, and the fact that he visited Afghanistan when he was still 2 years old! Mc Cain shall be campaigning in the meantime.
When political pressure from the Axis of Dimes, Uganda, Kenya and Zimbabwe step in, Obama shall be released “due to lack of enough evidence” and given 1 month to campaign. But as any other opposition chap in Africa, he is not going to whine about the bad state of the infrastructure, the poor health sector, the lack of jobs or any other sensible stuff! He will hit the electorate with stuff like “he is black, and no one from his clan has ever been given the chance to rule, so now it’s their turn”. His other campaign material will include stuff like “Bush will go! His time is up!”, but no other realistic stuff!
Obama will go ahead to say the “he will create jobs for all, give everyone money and send more people to richer countries to mop their houses, clean their nappies and any other odd jobs, but they will get rich”. People fall for this crap!
With election day looming, Obama supporters shall be tear gassed by the police, several of them beaten and thrown into cells, while many others will flee to exile! Mc Cain will go on to win, despite some irregularities here and there, and he will be sworn in 12 minutes after the Electoral Commission has announced the results!
The natives of the black community will get so pissed off with this result that they will take to the streets, armed with pangas and stuff, burning down the houses of all the people from those other tribes that voted for Mc Cain. The army leadership will stand by their current prez, and will refuse to back Obama, thus sending the US to a month of untold mayhem. A genocide shall be feared, but since Uganda, Kenya and Zimbabwe don’t have any real interests, in terms of oil or gold in the US, they will turn a blind eye to the massacres going on. Before long, mediators from the African Union shall be called in to calm down the situation. Mc Cain and Obama shall be put on a round table to discuss the way forward for the US, Obama shall be made the Executive Prime Minister, with some of his party members being given top ministerial positions in the government, which shall have been made bigger to accommodate both blacks and white tribe representatives.
The peace deal shall be shaky, and Mc Cain will go ahead and name ministers without consulting Obama, including giving himself the Ministry Of Interior, which over sees the police. Obama will reject this proposal outright, and shall call in all African leaders to help mediate. Before long, both men settle, but on a 6 month trial basis. Refugees are called back home, while the Internally Displaced People who have been fed by UNHCR and WFP are re-settled to their homes.
But before long, a one Laurent who is not content with the deal, goes to the bush in Texas, claiming to be fighting for his people, the blacks. The resulting fight displaces most people in Texas, sending them to refugee camps in neighbouring countries………………………………………………..
This Is Africa!!!!!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Generation Y Prezident!
Ultimately the kids will one day take over power, the so-called generation Y, we being the Generation X characters. But am imagining what the chaos will be like when these little pumpkins, brains adulterated by MTV and Cineplex movies have a press conference as the President;
Reporter: Mr President, why did u arrest the main opposition leader on charges of rape?
Prez: Yo dawg, dawg, why u have to do me like that, aksing me the real hard shit! Anyway, this cat commited a crime, and the law is not segregative to none o y’all!
Reporter: What about the minister parliament censured and u returned to cabinet?
Prez: Caz he’s my bwaaaaiiii!! Dawg, he’s my boy, from like way back when u cowards were hiding under yo beds, while we were chilling in the bush, flexing the ol ass regime of that ldi Amin fool!
Reporter: What about the Kony rebels?
Prez: Ma Nizzle, those cowards are just a bunch of bi-a-tches and whores, getting their dimes from outside the country and shit. To me, they are just bollocks, next que-ck-stion!
Reporter: Now that URA is hitting it’s targets, shall we see better roads?
Prez: Yo, I know those cats have managed to raise the loot we need, but dawg, these donors are up on our ass, like a problem, telling us shit like where to squander the loot, in areas like health and agrizzo!! Dawg, I need to get me a new set of bazzokas and shit, and play War theft Auto up in this great lakes piece, waaduup!!!
Reporter: But Sir, what about the….
Interruption;
Prez: Don’t call me sir fool, I beez the the shiznit of a prez, dawg! U dig??
Reporter: Yes, Mr Shiznit!
Prez: Now get up outta my face, I gots to buzz, my hommies from the ministry of secuzzo and finizzo tell me they gat some loot, from some wetland deal with NSSF, so ama be up and outta here till the next quek-sion time, PEACE OUT!!!
Reporter: Mr President, why did u arrest the main opposition leader on charges of rape?
Prez: Yo dawg, dawg, why u have to do me like that, aksing me the real hard shit! Anyway, this cat commited a crime, and the law is not segregative to none o y’all!
Reporter: What about the minister parliament censured and u returned to cabinet?
Prez: Caz he’s my bwaaaaiiii!! Dawg, he’s my boy, from like way back when u cowards were hiding under yo beds, while we were chilling in the bush, flexing the ol ass regime of that ldi Amin fool!
Reporter: What about the Kony rebels?
Prez: Ma Nizzle, those cowards are just a bunch of bi-a-tches and whores, getting their dimes from outside the country and shit. To me, they are just bollocks, next que-ck-stion!
Reporter: Now that URA is hitting it’s targets, shall we see better roads?
Prez: Yo, I know those cats have managed to raise the loot we need, but dawg, these donors are up on our ass, like a problem, telling us shit like where to squander the loot, in areas like health and agrizzo!! Dawg, I need to get me a new set of bazzokas and shit, and play War theft Auto up in this great lakes piece, waaduup!!!
Reporter: But Sir, what about the….
Interruption;
Prez: Don’t call me sir fool, I beez the the shiznit of a prez, dawg! U dig??
Reporter: Yes, Mr Shiznit!
Prez: Now get up outta my face, I gots to buzz, my hommies from the ministry of secuzzo and finizzo tell me they gat some loot, from some wetland deal with NSSF, so ama be up and outta here till the next quek-sion time, PEACE OUT!!!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Speed Dating
On a stray Tuesday, I went to Catch the sun, aka Kwata omusana, for a ki lazy pint! What I found in store baffled my mind, some stuff I last saw in some series! Why are we copy cats, everything we see in the movies must somehow become part of our culture!
First was “the royal ascot goat races”, which traces its roots to the “royal ascot horse races” of England, that were commemorating something royal about ascots, now we have the same shit, without any presence of any royals whatsoever, just chicks wearing hats to look exactly like the English ceremony!
Then we got “Halloween”, that had 2 celebrations, one at the Venue, then at the Kampala Casino, and they actually got large audiences with chaps in scary attire, ask them what they are celebrating and they’ll be like “it’s a ceremony everyone must attend!”. Then valentines, then Christmas, and other stuffs! These were understandable.
What killed me however was “speed dating”. The idea is to have 12 people, 6 chicks and 6 guys, the chicks sit at their tables, and the guys have to move around talking to each one of them, in a space of 3 minutes. When the bell goes off, u move on to the next, the cycle continuing for say, 3 times, then at the end of this ridiculous exercise, the chick chooses whoever she liked best, or vice versa.
I wanted to mess up this thing so I called some chap who had been practicing his dating moves on the net, just so he could mess up this experience such that speed dating neva returns to our 7 hills, like Halooween, so here’s how it went!
Date no. 1;
She: Hi!
Him: Hi!
She: Am Jackie.
Him: Well done!
She: Excuse me!
Him: How is there?
She: Where?
Him: Where u put up!
She: What? Get outta here!
Cling! Three minutes is up! Next
She: So like, whats yo mission in life?
Him: Am going to make a secret formula that will be sprayed all over the world, this will make all people bow down for me, and I will take over the world….muhuhahahahaha…muhuhahahahaha…muhuhahaha!!!!
She: What do u spend yo day doing, watch cartoons, get outta here!
Cling! Three minutes is up! Next
Him: Yo, is yo father a terrorist?
She: That is so lame, and cliché, everyone knows that line? Do u research yo lines on the internet? U are too weak!
Him: Can I finish?
She: Get outta here!!
It is at this point that the referee threw out contstant numero deaux, for being TOO WEAK!! I have no idea if this thing still takes place, why don’t u go there and find out, and please forget those internet lines, senk u for yo time folks!!
First was “the royal ascot goat races”, which traces its roots to the “royal ascot horse races” of England, that were commemorating something royal about ascots, now we have the same shit, without any presence of any royals whatsoever, just chicks wearing hats to look exactly like the English ceremony!
Then we got “Halloween”, that had 2 celebrations, one at the Venue, then at the Kampala Casino, and they actually got large audiences with chaps in scary attire, ask them what they are celebrating and they’ll be like “it’s a ceremony everyone must attend!”. Then valentines, then Christmas, and other stuffs! These were understandable.
What killed me however was “speed dating”. The idea is to have 12 people, 6 chicks and 6 guys, the chicks sit at their tables, and the guys have to move around talking to each one of them, in a space of 3 minutes. When the bell goes off, u move on to the next, the cycle continuing for say, 3 times, then at the end of this ridiculous exercise, the chick chooses whoever she liked best, or vice versa.
I wanted to mess up this thing so I called some chap who had been practicing his dating moves on the net, just so he could mess up this experience such that speed dating neva returns to our 7 hills, like Halooween, so here’s how it went!
Date no. 1;
She: Hi!
Him: Hi!
She: Am Jackie.
Him: Well done!
She: Excuse me!
Him: How is there?
She: Where?
Him: Where u put up!
She: What? Get outta here!
Cling! Three minutes is up! Next
She: So like, whats yo mission in life?
Him: Am going to make a secret formula that will be sprayed all over the world, this will make all people bow down for me, and I will take over the world….muhuhahahahaha…muhuhahahahaha…muhuhahaha!!!!
She: What do u spend yo day doing, watch cartoons, get outta here!
Cling! Three minutes is up! Next
Him: Yo, is yo father a terrorist?
She: That is so lame, and cliché, everyone knows that line? Do u research yo lines on the internet? U are too weak!
Him: Can I finish?
She: Get outta here!!
It is at this point that the referee threw out contstant numero deaux, for being TOO WEAK!! I have no idea if this thing still takes place, why don’t u go there and find out, and please forget those internet lines, senk u for yo time folks!!
Goma!!
It must be hard work living in Goma, what with the endless fighting, earthquakes, a deadly volcanic eruption 2 years ago, an ebola outbreak, no central government, and now to top it all up, a one Laurent Nkunda decides to open a war in that area!
What beats everyone’s understanding is all these rebel chaps saying they are fighting for their people, but in the real sense are causing untold mayhem to the people they claim to be fighting for. In this week, thousands of people, who Mr Nkunda is fighting for, have been displaced from their homes, when mortar shells, bullets and other war stuff was sent to their neighbourhoods. The people in turn attacked the UN base in the area, accusing the UN of being UN-helpful, UN –reliable, UN –serious and totally UN –bothered by their plight!
We hope for better ways to solve our issues, rather than killing chaps who happen to be thriving on trade. Sani Abacha, got it coming his way when he over dosed on Viagra and died in the act of a chow, and as someone put it, he came and went at the same time!!
Lets send Nkunda some Viagra!
What beats everyone’s understanding is all these rebel chaps saying they are fighting for their people, but in the real sense are causing untold mayhem to the people they claim to be fighting for. In this week, thousands of people, who Mr Nkunda is fighting for, have been displaced from their homes, when mortar shells, bullets and other war stuff was sent to their neighbourhoods. The people in turn attacked the UN base in the area, accusing the UN of being UN-helpful, UN –reliable, UN –serious and totally UN –bothered by their plight!
We hope for better ways to solve our issues, rather than killing chaps who happen to be thriving on trade. Sani Abacha, got it coming his way when he over dosed on Viagra and died in the act of a chow, and as someone put it, he came and went at the same time!!
Lets send Nkunda some Viagra!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
In the Noose
In today’s Gazzette, which like the villagers aforementioned, was a newspaper of the 70’s and now every paper is a gazette, are some very interesting revelations from the police and government, in a very lousy attempt to explain the rampant accidents occurring on Ugandas roads, and heres what the buggers had to say;
1- Cars are in very dangerous conditions, so people should fork out more money to buy tyres, and newers cars.
2- Drivers are drink driving like a problem.
3- Women dressed in mini-skirts are causing drivers to knock pedestrians!
The fourth bloody excuse they gave I didn’t even bother to read, coz I was having concerns of my own like;
1- the roads are too nasty, these things are no longer pot holes, heck, homeless people are having such a blast using them as bunkers by night, and they blame the cars!
2- These irritants called boda bodas, second only to flies at lunch time in a kafunda in Wandegeya, are causing untold mayhem to drivers, probably worse than mini-skirt wearing chicks. They simply ride however they want, even at least bees have trafiic flows!
3- This drink driving excuse, I know for one the bus that knocked 5 cars at Mengo was like at 3pm, the Lugazi accident, which happened as a direct impact from the dodging of a pot hole, was like at 7 pm! Theres no Happy Hour at any bar before these said times, so why bother us??
Am going to join government soon, coz I really also need to air out nonsense in public!
In international news, Obama leads in polls, suicide blast in a market in Kabul, Sudanese abduct 6 aid workers in Darfur, Hamas shells Israel with mortar rockets, Mugabe refuses to step down, elections rigged in yet anatha African country. Nothing new really, u can go bak to work !!
1- Cars are in very dangerous conditions, so people should fork out more money to buy tyres, and newers cars.
2- Drivers are drink driving like a problem.
3- Women dressed in mini-skirts are causing drivers to knock pedestrians!
The fourth bloody excuse they gave I didn’t even bother to read, coz I was having concerns of my own like;
1- the roads are too nasty, these things are no longer pot holes, heck, homeless people are having such a blast using them as bunkers by night, and they blame the cars!
2- These irritants called boda bodas, second only to flies at lunch time in a kafunda in Wandegeya, are causing untold mayhem to drivers, probably worse than mini-skirt wearing chicks. They simply ride however they want, even at least bees have trafiic flows!
3- This drink driving excuse, I know for one the bus that knocked 5 cars at Mengo was like at 3pm, the Lugazi accident, which happened as a direct impact from the dodging of a pot hole, was like at 7 pm! Theres no Happy Hour at any bar before these said times, so why bother us??
Am going to join government soon, coz I really also need to air out nonsense in public!
In international news, Obama leads in polls, suicide blast in a market in Kabul, Sudanese abduct 6 aid workers in Darfur, Hamas shells Israel with mortar rockets, Mugabe refuses to step down, elections rigged in yet anatha African country. Nothing new really, u can go bak to work !!
Village Branding
When I retired a couple of years back, I glanced over this Mahatma Ghandi quote that said “Be the change that you want the world to be”!
At first glance, NEVA to click that ballistic kazungu, so always to read it 3 times over, then went “aaaahhhhhh, kumbe that’s what it is!”
The world I want is for the villages of Africa to develop, at least to a level where urbanites and villagers can have a sensible conversation, before the villager can reach his favourite part of meeting any urbanite, the part where he goes “Boss, help me wiz 10 souzand, to pay the school fees”, and u be like “why the hell did u get 15 kids, in 4 years? who exactly did u have in mind to pay the bills, PUNK!!”
So to avoid the above scenario, I retreated to my village in Serere, and set up a container to sell funny little bu things, like soap, salt and toothpaste. Now villagers are really behind on this English thing, especially the stuff called branding, they still think it’s a singer, who did “I wanna be down”, in 1994! This is where I have problems with these corporate pumpkins known as brand managers! They just be here in Kampala driving around new company cars, probably a pickup, painted all with the company logos, they wear their identity cards around their necks, some even add on a flash disk and a phone to their neck attire, walk around with blackberries, and have bullshit kabozi like “Yo, can u imagine these idiots put me in red pepper, page 4 on the bottom left side, mbu I have a new beemer, sijui mbu I bought it direct from Germany, these bu chaps are idiots!! Someone should give them real work to do, just buy the paper and see for yo self!!”
(After calling the red pepper to confirm this outburst, the reporters showed them an email from Mr Corporate above sending a picture of the car and the amount!)
Anyway, let me first leave these guys and take u back to Serere. Now here I am in my ka container and in comes customer numero une! (The following has been translated to English, due to the fact that the pronunciations of the words have an alphabet not yet devised on a keyboard, but I will try to put as they said)
“Goodmorningy boss, I wanty the cologate!”
I hand over a tube of colgate
“No no no no no, I wanty the ada one which is red!!”
“Close-up?”
“Yes, that colgate which is close up, even give me that pepsi brrrrr!”
“Lady, cocacola is brrrrr, not pepsi”
“U Kampala people, u think we are stupid! I know the pepsi I want, the Coke pepsi!
If u meet the brand manager of Close up or Coca cola, tell him to drag his ass upcountry and stop wasting time here swinging Ids and flash disks, things are tight down there! I have since returned!!!
At first glance, NEVA to click that ballistic kazungu, so always to read it 3 times over, then went “aaaahhhhhh, kumbe that’s what it is!”
The world I want is for the villages of Africa to develop, at least to a level where urbanites and villagers can have a sensible conversation, before the villager can reach his favourite part of meeting any urbanite, the part where he goes “Boss, help me wiz 10 souzand, to pay the school fees”, and u be like “why the hell did u get 15 kids, in 4 years? who exactly did u have in mind to pay the bills, PUNK!!”
So to avoid the above scenario, I retreated to my village in Serere, and set up a container to sell funny little bu things, like soap, salt and toothpaste. Now villagers are really behind on this English thing, especially the stuff called branding, they still think it’s a singer, who did “I wanna be down”, in 1994! This is where I have problems with these corporate pumpkins known as brand managers! They just be here in Kampala driving around new company cars, probably a pickup, painted all with the company logos, they wear their identity cards around their necks, some even add on a flash disk and a phone to their neck attire, walk around with blackberries, and have bullshit kabozi like “Yo, can u imagine these idiots put me in red pepper, page 4 on the bottom left side, mbu I have a new beemer, sijui mbu I bought it direct from Germany, these bu chaps are idiots!! Someone should give them real work to do, just buy the paper and see for yo self!!”
(After calling the red pepper to confirm this outburst, the reporters showed them an email from Mr Corporate above sending a picture of the car and the amount!)
Anyway, let me first leave these guys and take u back to Serere. Now here I am in my ka container and in comes customer numero une! (The following has been translated to English, due to the fact that the pronunciations of the words have an alphabet not yet devised on a keyboard, but I will try to put as they said)
“Goodmorningy boss, I wanty the cologate!”
I hand over a tube of colgate
“No no no no no, I wanty the ada one which is red!!”
“Close-up?”
“Yes, that colgate which is close up, even give me that pepsi brrrrr!”
“Lady, cocacola is brrrrr, not pepsi”
“U Kampala people, u think we are stupid! I know the pepsi I want, the Coke pepsi!
If u meet the brand manager of Close up or Coca cola, tell him to drag his ass upcountry and stop wasting time here swinging Ids and flash disks, things are tight down there! I have since returned!!!
African Reconciliations
Africa should be re-named “peace talks”, what with all these reconciliations that never end, or maybe its time for all the old geezers to step aside for we hip, young Obamas to run the show. In Kenya, there were peace talks, the old geezer refused to leave, but his understudy realised he was wasting time, so he settled for Prime minister, which is not entirely bad, coz when we were growing up and were sending love letters, we would be like “you are the prime minister of my heart”, not the Prezident!!! So he picked a few tips from this.
In Zimbabwe, the situation gets more precarious by the day! I still don’t get how u can line up for bread, and just let things be! I would have been rioting on a daily! And they even have the audacity to send a chap to the big brother house, what the hell will he do if he won the 100 thousand dollars? Buy a packet of buns for his family? Or better yet, buy extra salt to last 2 weeks?
Now this Mugabe chap, I always defend him when I sense a presence of the British, coz he is our son, but when it comes to a one on one, WHAT THE HELL OLD MAN? Just today they announced that SADC, a conglomerate of some South African countries had failed to mediate, now they want the mediation to be done by the entire African continent! Then after that, the show will be taken to the UN for world talks, then after all this has failed Neil Armstrong will be re-called from retirement to take Morgan and Mugabe to the moon, where a summit of all space creatures shall do the mediation. Yoda, the little green chap from Star Wars, will start the proceedings;
Yoda: I sense a force of failed reconciliation, induce u to the jedi knight, I shall.
Mugabe: We shall not sell our country to traitors, like Morgan here.
Yoda: Reconcile u, I will! Give bak the farms to the whites, I propose! Feed the nation, u shall!
Morgan: Wama me, I only want the ministry which has the police, coz am tired of being battered and arrested and my passport confiscated!
Anakin Skywalker: Greetings earthlings, u chaps are always fighting. I sent my spirits to Joseph Kony, but he has refused to listen. I sent the spirits to Laurent Nkunda, but he is practically not on my shit! I sent the sprits Omar El Warid Wahab Bashir in Darfur, neva to answer my call. Heck, I even sent the spirits to “the professional kampala rioters and noise makers inc”, but they said they were receiving more dimes from an un named source, just to riot! The council suggests we take over earth!
Mugabe: We shall resist any outside force.
Grace Mugabe: Hold on darling, maybe they will bring more shopping malls for me to get fancier stuff. Let them come please please please!!
Mugabe: OK!!
Yoda: May the force be with u!!
In Zimbabwe, the situation gets more precarious by the day! I still don’t get how u can line up for bread, and just let things be! I would have been rioting on a daily! And they even have the audacity to send a chap to the big brother house, what the hell will he do if he won the 100 thousand dollars? Buy a packet of buns for his family? Or better yet, buy extra salt to last 2 weeks?
Now this Mugabe chap, I always defend him when I sense a presence of the British, coz he is our son, but when it comes to a one on one, WHAT THE HELL OLD MAN? Just today they announced that SADC, a conglomerate of some South African countries had failed to mediate, now they want the mediation to be done by the entire African continent! Then after that, the show will be taken to the UN for world talks, then after all this has failed Neil Armstrong will be re-called from retirement to take Morgan and Mugabe to the moon, where a summit of all space creatures shall do the mediation. Yoda, the little green chap from Star Wars, will start the proceedings;
Yoda: I sense a force of failed reconciliation, induce u to the jedi knight, I shall.
Mugabe: We shall not sell our country to traitors, like Morgan here.
Yoda: Reconcile u, I will! Give bak the farms to the whites, I propose! Feed the nation, u shall!
Morgan: Wama me, I only want the ministry which has the police, coz am tired of being battered and arrested and my passport confiscated!
Anakin Skywalker: Greetings earthlings, u chaps are always fighting. I sent my spirits to Joseph Kony, but he has refused to listen. I sent the spirits to Laurent Nkunda, but he is practically not on my shit! I sent the sprits Omar El Warid Wahab Bashir in Darfur, neva to answer my call. Heck, I even sent the spirits to “the professional kampala rioters and noise makers inc”, but they said they were receiving more dimes from an un named source, just to riot! The council suggests we take over earth!
Mugabe: We shall resist any outside force.
Grace Mugabe: Hold on darling, maybe they will bring more shopping malls for me to get fancier stuff. Let them come please please please!!
Mugabe: OK!!
Yoda: May the force be with u!!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Church - crusher!
If u are saved, don’t read this, I still love the reputation u had of me, prior to this experience I had on a stray Sunday!
Now the thing is, there are so many make-shift churches cropping up from Ntinda all the way to Bweyogerere and Bugolobi, where the majority of Ugandans live, thanks to the “Free trade zone” the government has given to ANY church in the country, that means, don’t pay taxes, as long as your business revolves around using the bible as guidance, unlike those other businesses that worship books like “Think and grow rich”, “Rich Dad’s Cash flow Quadrant” and any book written by Donald Trump, yes, all the 73 of them!
Today’s story however occurred on a Sunday, when this make shift church went up, right across the road from where I live (“where I put up”, a local chick would say). Now I awoke at 9am, a strange hour for a retired chap, awoken not by the alarm clock, that was clearly set to 1pm, Zanzi time! The alarm sounds this time were the recognizable tunes of pianos, mixed with drums and strange noises that came in from people that sounded possessed, coz they were just confusing noises!
In an instant, I jumped out of my sticky sheets, since I had been sweating from a dream, where I was going to be cooked and eaten by the Marabu tribe of the Wachote clan, located in Australia (I bet u were picturing an African chiefdom, no, these were white Australian chaps!) and their noises were coherent with the church sound across the road. So I leap to the gate, to peep at what was going on, neva to just open the gate, since I had just been watching “Sometimes in April”, and whoever opened the gate suffered the fate of the Egyptian first borns who didn’t put a cross over their houses with lamb blood during those cursing years of Moses!
Anywho, I see people through the make-shift church windows, banging the walls of the church, walking around like they were trying to find the nearest exit, but just couldn’t. I remembered the Kanungu saga where all “followers” of the Prophet Kibwetere were burnt with no help, so I thought these chaps were on fire. By some bad omen, I also saw smoke come out of the church, which I later learnt was called inces, or some shit like that, normally used for prayer. One more letter, and that would have been INCEST!!
So I run to the church, to save all these innocent souls. The plan was to break into the windows and pull them out one by one, thus becoming their new saviour! I run to the door, and it looked closed, but not locked, so I pull it open, and everything comes to a sudden halt!! Quiet like a problem!! Everyone staring at me, even the music stops! The pastor came out to me, and led me to the front side, everyone looking, then he exclaimed “Our prayers have worked, this is salvation for anatha sinner, God has brought him here, lets help this helpless boy”
I said “whoa, hold your brakes sir, pastor, prophet, or whatever it is that u masquerade as, I am here to save U, from the inferno!”
“Son, its ok, we have seen more confused souls than yourself, just repent, accept Jesus in your life and u shall be born again”
“Says who” I ask,
“Jesus said it, John chapter 3 verse 3 Jesus replied "I will tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God”
I quckly interject, “but unfortunately u didn’t say the rest of the context in which he said it, coz he also says in chapter 4 to 7 which goes,
4 - "What do you mean?" exclaimed Nicodemus. "How can an old man go back into his mother's womb and be born again?"
5 - Jesus replied, "I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the spirit.
6 - Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life.
7 - So don't be surprised when I say, "You must be born again".
As a seventh day absentist, I rememba that water stuffs when I was still young, was washed over me by the local parish priest, so liv me alone!! I was born again! Even every 31st of March of every year, am born again. Even every Christmas, Jesus is born again! Sori for bothering u, I was just trying to help, but can u please keep yo volume down, I have to be asleep till 1pm, kapish??
Now the thing is, there are so many make-shift churches cropping up from Ntinda all the way to Bweyogerere and Bugolobi, where the majority of Ugandans live, thanks to the “Free trade zone” the government has given to ANY church in the country, that means, don’t pay taxes, as long as your business revolves around using the bible as guidance, unlike those other businesses that worship books like “Think and grow rich”, “Rich Dad’s Cash flow Quadrant” and any book written by Donald Trump, yes, all the 73 of them!
Today’s story however occurred on a Sunday, when this make shift church went up, right across the road from where I live (“where I put up”, a local chick would say). Now I awoke at 9am, a strange hour for a retired chap, awoken not by the alarm clock, that was clearly set to 1pm, Zanzi time! The alarm sounds this time were the recognizable tunes of pianos, mixed with drums and strange noises that came in from people that sounded possessed, coz they were just confusing noises!
In an instant, I jumped out of my sticky sheets, since I had been sweating from a dream, where I was going to be cooked and eaten by the Marabu tribe of the Wachote clan, located in Australia (I bet u were picturing an African chiefdom, no, these were white Australian chaps!) and their noises were coherent with the church sound across the road. So I leap to the gate, to peep at what was going on, neva to just open the gate, since I had just been watching “Sometimes in April”, and whoever opened the gate suffered the fate of the Egyptian first borns who didn’t put a cross over their houses with lamb blood during those cursing years of Moses!
Anywho, I see people through the make-shift church windows, banging the walls of the church, walking around like they were trying to find the nearest exit, but just couldn’t. I remembered the Kanungu saga where all “followers” of the Prophet Kibwetere were burnt with no help, so I thought these chaps were on fire. By some bad omen, I also saw smoke come out of the church, which I later learnt was called inces, or some shit like that, normally used for prayer. One more letter, and that would have been INCEST!!
So I run to the church, to save all these innocent souls. The plan was to break into the windows and pull them out one by one, thus becoming their new saviour! I run to the door, and it looked closed, but not locked, so I pull it open, and everything comes to a sudden halt!! Quiet like a problem!! Everyone staring at me, even the music stops! The pastor came out to me, and led me to the front side, everyone looking, then he exclaimed “Our prayers have worked, this is salvation for anatha sinner, God has brought him here, lets help this helpless boy”
I said “whoa, hold your brakes sir, pastor, prophet, or whatever it is that u masquerade as, I am here to save U, from the inferno!”
“Son, its ok, we have seen more confused souls than yourself, just repent, accept Jesus in your life and u shall be born again”
“Says who” I ask,
“Jesus said it, John chapter 3 verse 3 Jesus replied "I will tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God”
I quckly interject, “but unfortunately u didn’t say the rest of the context in which he said it, coz he also says in chapter 4 to 7 which goes,
4 - "What do you mean?" exclaimed Nicodemus. "How can an old man go back into his mother's womb and be born again?"
5 - Jesus replied, "I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the spirit.
6 - Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life.
7 - So don't be surprised when I say, "You must be born again".
As a seventh day absentist, I rememba that water stuffs when I was still young, was washed over me by the local parish priest, so liv me alone!! I was born again! Even every 31st of March of every year, am born again. Even every Christmas, Jesus is born again! Sori for bothering u, I was just trying to help, but can u please keep yo volume down, I have to be asleep till 1pm, kapish??
A Bank Rhymery
If u are related to the 2 chaps going to be dissected in the following nursery rhyme, your pardon is begged. Now, there is this Kashoma chap, also called Justus, and also known as Just, to some stray village chicks who claimed “he just had much money” facing robbery charges, being implicated with Jim Muh-wealthy, who is said to have been there by proxy, thru his bodyguard and his monster vehicle outside, and the story gathered from the newspapers reminds us of a nursery rhyme, lets first look at that rhyme, then the newspaper story which claims they went to the 3rd floor garden city Stanbic bank and tried to rob it!
Jack & Jill,
Went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his leg,
And Jill came tumbling after.
(Tamboling after, we would say in our BALLISTIC African accents)
Now here’s the newspaper version;
Just and Jim,
Went up a lift,
To fetch a pail of money,
Just messed up and got busted,
And Jim came tamboling after, TAMBOLING after!!
Jack & Jill,
Went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his leg,
And Jill came tumbling after.
(Tamboling after, we would say in our BALLISTIC African accents)
Now here’s the newspaper version;
Just and Jim,
Went up a lift,
To fetch a pail of money,
Just messed up and got busted,
And Jim came tamboling after, TAMBOLING after!!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Corporate life
A corporate’s life!
Its early on Tuesday morning, at 6.30 am that they all rise. The next 10 minutes are spent in bed, cursing why they didn’t have better jobs, and counting the days left till Friday! But as the sun rises, they realise they REALLY have to get out of bed, and hit the showers.
20 minutes later, they are in a heavy traffic jam, from Naalya to Bugolobi, no one is spared the nightmare of Uganda’s urban murram roads, which the colonialists left as tarmac roads, and which they briefly returned to see as tarmac, during the CHOGM time, but the dyed sand that was thrown over the holes to make it look like roads has since been washed away by the rains, and we are back to usual business!
The drive to work is characterised by the morning shows, which have outdone each other in terms of copying content, its always a guy and a chick presenting, and they incessantly have to argue about anything that runs thru their minds, and for some strange reason, they never agree, not on any single issue! This nightmare is spread across all the stations, u get to listen to strictly 1 song between 7.30 and 8, the rest is just gibber jabber, spoiling yo day early!
The dreadful walk to office from the parking lot, or from the gate where that boda boda chap has just dropped em off, depending on the loan one has acquired, involves signing in at the gate, with that ID, that doubles as a swipe card that records the time of arrival as one swipes! The first thing on reaching office is to open the computer, and check personal mails, since internet connections have been cut off, only emails are the source of connection to the outside world! As the first mail opens, that boss, whom EVERYBODY hates, walks in, murmuring “goodmorning”, to very few replies, if at all any! He then begins calling everyone, one by one “come see me”, for the usual garbage!
“Did u send the interim reports to SM? (Sales Manager, for u informal charcoal sellers!)
“Yes Sir, I actually had them photocopied, and sent to GM, KLM, CEO and COO!”
“Ok great, now I need u to send me an email of all the activities u shall be doing today, copy to FOO, DCO and GFX! Send a memo of yesterdays sales report and gravity checks from the COO to me. Don’t forget to cc and bcc all department heads, and section heads as well, kay???”
“Yes Sir”
“And oh, don’t forget u have customer care training next week, then after that a retreat for all executives, so send me your itenary for next week, and any expense requisitions, stamped by accounts and approved by Finance and the cashier, ASAP!”
“Yes Sir!”
This crap goes on till Friday, when finally, FREEDOM, they get to wear shirts with company logos, jeans and sandals. PHEWKS, no cufflinks! This day is usually shorter, so by 4.30 they are all headed to where its “happening”, where all people who are somebody are there. The cars are Hondas, Subarus and Premios, that have been recently acquired thanks to the Stanbic Car Loan, and they live in the flats, thanks to the Housing Finance Mortgage plan! The place to be is Fat Boyz and Rugby club, the gadget is the ipod, and the phone is the blackberry!
On Saturday morning, the plan is to call all the friends and be like “Zone 7 was on flames, man I pinted like 2 crates, we were bbbbllllaaaaazzzzzeeeedddd!!! U should have been there, man this chap was on the tables, by the time we reached Silo at 6am, man the bouncers just let us in for free!”
On Sunday afternoon, they will be spotted at Zanzi, wearing Khaki shorts and a striped t-shirt, holding a copy of the Sunday newspaper, and sometimes, just sometimes, with a kid in tow, the first born probably! The story will be exactly like the one aforementioned….”last nite we got bbbbbblllllaaazzzzeddddd!!”
Sunday evening, the WORST, coz “shit, tomorrow is bullshit Monday, I have to iron my shirt, and get ready to make reports and email them, am going to resign ANYTIME!!”
Monday – Some king has died, it’s a public holiday, the radio announces “…………..WWHHOOOOOAAAAA, RUGBY CLUB ANYONE??????????????”
A rhyme for the boss
I hate the boss,
We should throw him in a river
No one would feel the loss,
Or maybe wish him a case of the bad fever,
Or even cancer of the liver,
Why are they always mean,
All their words just obscene,
Yet despite all our hard work,
They still threaten us with the sack,
But we remain upbeat,
For one day we shall occupy their seat,
When they fail to handle the heat,
Of the bonfire we shall have lit,
By deliberately not doing shit,
And sending wrong report sheets,
He will scream blackmail,
But we shall organise thru email,
To send him to his hell,
Or just drown him in a well,
Maybe send him to a cell,
For the stocks he wanted to sell,
But the whistle blew before the sound of the bell,
And he was arrested before he could tell,
We all wish he rots in jail!!!
Its early on Tuesday morning, at 6.30 am that they all rise. The next 10 minutes are spent in bed, cursing why they didn’t have better jobs, and counting the days left till Friday! But as the sun rises, they realise they REALLY have to get out of bed, and hit the showers.
20 minutes later, they are in a heavy traffic jam, from Naalya to Bugolobi, no one is spared the nightmare of Uganda’s urban murram roads, which the colonialists left as tarmac roads, and which they briefly returned to see as tarmac, during the CHOGM time, but the dyed sand that was thrown over the holes to make it look like roads has since been washed away by the rains, and we are back to usual business!
The drive to work is characterised by the morning shows, which have outdone each other in terms of copying content, its always a guy and a chick presenting, and they incessantly have to argue about anything that runs thru their minds, and for some strange reason, they never agree, not on any single issue! This nightmare is spread across all the stations, u get to listen to strictly 1 song between 7.30 and 8, the rest is just gibber jabber, spoiling yo day early!
The dreadful walk to office from the parking lot, or from the gate where that boda boda chap has just dropped em off, depending on the loan one has acquired, involves signing in at the gate, with that ID, that doubles as a swipe card that records the time of arrival as one swipes! The first thing on reaching office is to open the computer, and check personal mails, since internet connections have been cut off, only emails are the source of connection to the outside world! As the first mail opens, that boss, whom EVERYBODY hates, walks in, murmuring “goodmorning”, to very few replies, if at all any! He then begins calling everyone, one by one “come see me”, for the usual garbage!
“Did u send the interim reports to SM? (Sales Manager, for u informal charcoal sellers!)
“Yes Sir, I actually had them photocopied, and sent to GM, KLM, CEO and COO!”
“Ok great, now I need u to send me an email of all the activities u shall be doing today, copy to FOO, DCO and GFX! Send a memo of yesterdays sales report and gravity checks from the COO to me. Don’t forget to cc and bcc all department heads, and section heads as well, kay???”
“Yes Sir”
“And oh, don’t forget u have customer care training next week, then after that a retreat for all executives, so send me your itenary for next week, and any expense requisitions, stamped by accounts and approved by Finance and the cashier, ASAP!”
“Yes Sir!”
This crap goes on till Friday, when finally, FREEDOM, they get to wear shirts with company logos, jeans and sandals. PHEWKS, no cufflinks! This day is usually shorter, so by 4.30 they are all headed to where its “happening”, where all people who are somebody are there. The cars are Hondas, Subarus and Premios, that have been recently acquired thanks to the Stanbic Car Loan, and they live in the flats, thanks to the Housing Finance Mortgage plan! The place to be is Fat Boyz and Rugby club, the gadget is the ipod, and the phone is the blackberry!
On Saturday morning, the plan is to call all the friends and be like “Zone 7 was on flames, man I pinted like 2 crates, we were bbbbllllaaaaazzzzzeeeedddd!!! U should have been there, man this chap was on the tables, by the time we reached Silo at 6am, man the bouncers just let us in for free!”
On Sunday afternoon, they will be spotted at Zanzi, wearing Khaki shorts and a striped t-shirt, holding a copy of the Sunday newspaper, and sometimes, just sometimes, with a kid in tow, the first born probably! The story will be exactly like the one aforementioned….”last nite we got bbbbbblllllaaazzzzeddddd!!”
Sunday evening, the WORST, coz “shit, tomorrow is bullshit Monday, I have to iron my shirt, and get ready to make reports and email them, am going to resign ANYTIME!!”
Monday – Some king has died, it’s a public holiday, the radio announces “…………..WWHHOOOOOAAAAA, RUGBY CLUB ANYONE??????????????”
A rhyme for the boss
I hate the boss,
We should throw him in a river
No one would feel the loss,
Or maybe wish him a case of the bad fever,
Or even cancer of the liver,
Why are they always mean,
All their words just obscene,
Yet despite all our hard work,
They still threaten us with the sack,
But we remain upbeat,
For one day we shall occupy their seat,
When they fail to handle the heat,
Of the bonfire we shall have lit,
By deliberately not doing shit,
And sending wrong report sheets,
He will scream blackmail,
But we shall organise thru email,
To send him to his hell,
Or just drown him in a well,
Maybe send him to a cell,
For the stocks he wanted to sell,
But the whistle blew before the sound of the bell,
And he was arrested before he could tell,
We all wish he rots in jail!!!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Gloomy Times
The news these days is getting a bit annoying, nothing good whatsoever! Our headlines are so full of terrorism alerts. Even local askaris have jumped on the bandwagon, "Dont spend more than 3 minutes in the supermarket, terrorism alert".
This crap is not helped much by this global warming thingy! First Al Gore was all over our faces telling us we were all gonna die, of course we are! They tell us tomorrow will neva come, but as a lounging chap in Kampala, I know theres always tomorrow, cause its already tomorrow in Australia!
Now the global heat has turned its attention elsewhere, after it failed to burn down all humans, now it has re-focused on the economy, hence the day's headline "Economy headed for meltdown". The shelves that have been holding stocks, forex rates and all those other financial jargon we charcoal sellers can't comprehende, are also melting, cause they are all falling too!
The alarmists, who include the Minister of Finance, have every reason to make us doubt their crap, and here's my thinking.
The NSSF deal was a quagmire that had in it the Minister of Security and the Minister of Finance. Midway thru this saga, there was a very heavy Terrorism alert sent out to all newspapers, gas stations, and even Nakasongola, where a certain King was to take place. This was issued by among others the Ministry of Security. 1 week later, we have heavy headlines by the Minister of Finance with the governor of BOU, saying we are headed for finacial hardships!
What the Heck is going on?! I bet u if the Minister of Agriculture was in the NSSF deal, he would have declared how Coffee was headed for its worst times ever!
We shall however remain optimistic of ballistic times ahead, to hell with those chaps and their crap, oil prices the world over fell by more than half, guess what, they bloody increased at the pumps in Uganda! Am no activist, so al head back to that part of the brain responsible for just chilling!!!!!!!!!!!!
This crap is not helped much by this global warming thingy! First Al Gore was all over our faces telling us we were all gonna die, of course we are! They tell us tomorrow will neva come, but as a lounging chap in Kampala, I know theres always tomorrow, cause its already tomorrow in Australia!
Now the global heat has turned its attention elsewhere, after it failed to burn down all humans, now it has re-focused on the economy, hence the day's headline "Economy headed for meltdown". The shelves that have been holding stocks, forex rates and all those other financial jargon we charcoal sellers can't comprehende, are also melting, cause they are all falling too!
The alarmists, who include the Minister of Finance, have every reason to make us doubt their crap, and here's my thinking.
The NSSF deal was a quagmire that had in it the Minister of Security and the Minister of Finance. Midway thru this saga, there was a very heavy Terrorism alert sent out to all newspapers, gas stations, and even Nakasongola, where a certain King was to take place. This was issued by among others the Ministry of Security. 1 week later, we have heavy headlines by the Minister of Finance with the governor of BOU, saying we are headed for finacial hardships!
What the Heck is going on?! I bet u if the Minister of Agriculture was in the NSSF deal, he would have declared how Coffee was headed for its worst times ever!
We shall however remain optimistic of ballistic times ahead, to hell with those chaps and their crap, oil prices the world over fell by more than half, guess what, they bloody increased at the pumps in Uganda! Am no activist, so al head back to that part of the brain responsible for just chilling!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Pick up lines!
Ever since Web City café graced Kampala with its magnificent presence, charging a whooping 6 thousand shillings for the hour on the internet, Ugandans have learnt lots of free stuff, courtesy of the web. The hard hitting one was the “pick up” lines that the Ugandans picked up from the net and decided it was time to get chicks easily, forget all this gentleman stuff of buying flowers, “they are damn expensive”, they quipped!
So here we were at Mateos, and this chap walks over to the chick,
“If your left leg is easter, and the right leg Christmas, can I get to spend sometime with u in between the holidays?”
The next scene of this story has the chap holding a bag of ice across his left eye “The chick can really hit”, he says!
According to the book “7 habits of highly stupid people”, they say u should persist, and the chick will fall in yo arms like those chaps of All 4 One, rememba them? Me Neither! But there was this song “these arms will worship and adore u”, so chiks be falling in “these arms” according to the afore mentioned book! Time for persisting try numero deaux!
“Hi, can u give me yo phone number, then I also give u my phone number, so that we can phonicate??”
SLAP NUMBERO DEAUX!
Chicks on the other hand have also learnt to come up with answers to these ridiculous internet lines, coz they are easy to know, now that they have become cliché; something like;
“Hi, heaven is missing an angel coz u are here!”
“That’s right, and the sewers must be missing a rat, coz u are here!”
But in all this chaos, some chicks actually fall for this crap! According to the other best seller, “men are from penislyvania and women are from vaginia”, it was noted that females like to be appraised, no, not that corporate crap, but to be told nice things, so even when they dismiss your crap, deep, deep, deep down , they get uplifted, their self esteem taking flight to the moon and back, even if this chap was actually a sewer rat!! Keep em pick up lines coming, u just neva know!!
So here we were at Mateos, and this chap walks over to the chick,
“If your left leg is easter, and the right leg Christmas, can I get to spend sometime with u in between the holidays?”
The next scene of this story has the chap holding a bag of ice across his left eye “The chick can really hit”, he says!
According to the book “7 habits of highly stupid people”, they say u should persist, and the chick will fall in yo arms like those chaps of All 4 One, rememba them? Me Neither! But there was this song “these arms will worship and adore u”, so chiks be falling in “these arms” according to the afore mentioned book! Time for persisting try numero deaux!
“Hi, can u give me yo phone number, then I also give u my phone number, so that we can phonicate??”
SLAP NUMBERO DEAUX!
Chicks on the other hand have also learnt to come up with answers to these ridiculous internet lines, coz they are easy to know, now that they have become cliché; something like;
“Hi, heaven is missing an angel coz u are here!”
“That’s right, and the sewers must be missing a rat, coz u are here!”
But in all this chaos, some chicks actually fall for this crap! According to the other best seller, “men are from penislyvania and women are from vaginia”, it was noted that females like to be appraised, no, not that corporate crap, but to be told nice things, so even when they dismiss your crap, deep, deep, deep down , they get uplifted, their self esteem taking flight to the moon and back, even if this chap was actually a sewer rat!! Keep em pick up lines coming, u just neva know!!
The interview
Paul had finally gotten that phone call inviting him for an interview at a certain company in uptown Kampala. He used to buy New Vision every Monday, and Monitor every Wednesday to get the job hook up. “8 pages of great jobs inside”, the adverts on poles would call out to him. So with spare change of 1k bucks, he would procure himself a paper, hoping it would have that life changing advert, that Joyce Mayer, Creflo Dollar and that other chap, whats his name, ahh, Benny Hinn I reckon, had all failed to provide, despite all the dimes and prayers Paul had been sending them!
The adverts turn out to be a bunch of crap, coz the ad of HITS wants “structural engineers”, the other 7 pages are for “Katakwi District Commission”, who the hell wants to go to BORING Katakwi??????
The SOS immediately goes out to all the relatives, a big man in government, coz how else do u get a job in Africa? Newspaper ads suck!! Within no time, the big man has sent a note to his colleague, asking him to repay that favour he did him when he was caught with some smuggled goods, the chit thus goes;
“Hello Comrade, good to see u are no longer in the frying pan for that little sum u took from that road repair project. Anyway, can u kindly assist the bearer of this note by fixing him somewhere in that new company in your jurisdiction, he is very well known to me, and any job will do. Thank you comrade, now u don’t owe me anything”
SEAL: OFFICE OF THE MINISTER FOR …….
DATE: 25-10-2005
Within days, Paul receives the call, he has got that interview. As a normal chap, he runs to the internet cafe, where he reads all that interview etiquette crap,
“Come early, at least 30 minutes before the appointment time, that way………”
“Carry a copy of your cv, just in case…………”
“Be smart, not too smart, not shabby, just be bloody smart godamit!!...”
Interview reaches, and this chap is ushered into the room, chaps staring at him like he had just killed someone. Going for an interview is probably more painful than the journey to the dentists, what’s with those idiot interviewers scaring chaps? Anywho, this is what transpired;
“Tell us your surname”
“My Sir name is Sir Paul Kabago”
“Fill in this please, we may be having a problem”
“Sex”
“Damn u guys, what do my activities have to do with my work?”
“Have u ever worked before?”
“Yes, with my father, he is a farmasist”
“Ah great, a pharmacist, so u have an idea of sales, inventory and banking?”
“What’s that? We just rare the goats and plant the cabbages”
“A FARMER?????”
“No, a farmasist!!”
“Can u handle responsibility?”
“Yes, even last time when the tractor got spoilt, they said I was responsible!”
“This is getting ridiculous”
“Ah, I know those guys, they are on Kenya TV!”
“Sir, what can we do with this fellow, we don’t want to annoy the big man!”
“Put him at the reception!”
Ladies and gents, u all rememba that IDIOT u met last time u went to a government building, ya, that chap that looked at u and had no idea what the hell u meant by “appointment”?, well, that’s how he got that bloody job in the first place!!
The adverts turn out to be a bunch of crap, coz the ad of HITS wants “structural engineers”, the other 7 pages are for “Katakwi District Commission”, who the hell wants to go to BORING Katakwi??????
The SOS immediately goes out to all the relatives, a big man in government, coz how else do u get a job in Africa? Newspaper ads suck!! Within no time, the big man has sent a note to his colleague, asking him to repay that favour he did him when he was caught with some smuggled goods, the chit thus goes;
“Hello Comrade, good to see u are no longer in the frying pan for that little sum u took from that road repair project. Anyway, can u kindly assist the bearer of this note by fixing him somewhere in that new company in your jurisdiction, he is very well known to me, and any job will do. Thank you comrade, now u don’t owe me anything”
SEAL: OFFICE OF THE MINISTER FOR …….
DATE: 25-10-2005
Within days, Paul receives the call, he has got that interview. As a normal chap, he runs to the internet cafe, where he reads all that interview etiquette crap,
“Come early, at least 30 minutes before the appointment time, that way………”
“Carry a copy of your cv, just in case…………”
“Be smart, not too smart, not shabby, just be bloody smart godamit!!...”
Interview reaches, and this chap is ushered into the room, chaps staring at him like he had just killed someone. Going for an interview is probably more painful than the journey to the dentists, what’s with those idiot interviewers scaring chaps? Anywho, this is what transpired;
“Tell us your surname”
“My Sir name is Sir Paul Kabago”
“Fill in this please, we may be having a problem”
“Sex”
“Damn u guys, what do my activities have to do with my work?”
“Have u ever worked before?”
“Yes, with my father, he is a farmasist”
“Ah great, a pharmacist, so u have an idea of sales, inventory and banking?”
“What’s that? We just rare the goats and plant the cabbages”
“A FARMER?????”
“No, a farmasist!!”
“Can u handle responsibility?”
“Yes, even last time when the tractor got spoilt, they said I was responsible!”
“This is getting ridiculous”
“Ah, I know those guys, they are on Kenya TV!”
“Sir, what can we do with this fellow, we don’t want to annoy the big man!”
“Put him at the reception!”
Ladies and gents, u all rememba that IDIOT u met last time u went to a government building, ya, that chap that looked at u and had no idea what the hell u meant by “appointment”?, well, that’s how he got that bloody job in the first place!!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Its a wrap!! Plus yesterdays headline!
Letter to the president from an MD!
Hello Mr Prez,
I don’t know if u really rememba me! I have been the MD of GLLP, a ki-ballistic organisation that takes dimes from all unsuspecting members of the working class, by charging tithe on their monthly incomes, 15%, to be exact, then they can access it when they reach 55 years of age, neva mind the average death age is 45!
U may be wondering how we keep ALL this left over money for the chaps that die at 45 and don’t collect! WE INVEST!! Part of our investments include wetlands, public schools, a hospital, squatters on the land and a few other bright investments, which rise up before their walls collapse!
Now I recently got a problem, with some of yo-wa buddies, MOFPED, and some other private investor! Now this private chap, who has no bodyguards whatsoever, has never had a public office, not even LC1, exerted on me untold political pressure! The chap showed me a map of your house! Do u know how this scared me?? He told me Diana uses the third bedroom to the left of the corridor, Natasha used to use the one adjacent to the guest house while Muhoozi always slept in a tent outside! Sir, this REALLY scared me!
Can u imagine sir, he even showed me his phone book, and your name, His Excellency, was there?? The mobile number, landline and even the warid line you use to Bang KB for Free after loading any amount of money the day before! Sir, he even started living in my office, he moved in with his KO mosquito net, which he set up on my office couch, sir!
Sir, I was so scared, I had to do what he wanted, just send to him the 11 billion shillings we had saved from all the chaps that couldn’t make it to 55, not with all these accidents caused by the poor roads that were not fixed, probably as a direct result of these guys wanting us to accumulate this 11 billion!
Sir, the MOFPED, aka Minister of Finance, Planning and Economic Development met me at the Warid launch, he was with his wife, and he called me aside, he told her to leave us alone so as to discuss some important shit, sorry,… issues sir! He told me that he wanted to buy a bank! I said “woololo”, that is impossible, I pigaad the nduulu, but nobody heard! This sir, was political influence, and taking worker’s money for personal gain! Anyway, I just allowed, and passed the bill to the investment team!
Actually daddy, even when I was in the board meeting, he called me and I told him I would report on him to you! He said mbu, I had to buy shares in his bank! The people I was sitting with on the board, even them they go to church with MOFPED, that means, they shared the money!
Me I was only left me alone, daddy, please help!! They are going to sack me!!
Ugandan hospitality
U ever gone to Naalya or rise n shine for pork? Of course u have, sori I asked! Now as soon as u park outside, 4 chaps come running to u, as if u were in that “wavah water” ad, and all the villagers are so happy to see u, back from the UK, and they be like “what did u bring us?”, and the chap unleashes a mineral water bottle which excites the villagers to unexplainable proportions!! The point probably being; “when leaving heathrow airport, please pass by that duty free shop and buy lots of wavah water, if u can EVER find it!”
So these Naalya pork chaps accost u with silly stuff like “blazza, blazza, I has the good pork” then the chick is being told “sister, mummy, sister, give me yo order”. In yo mind yo like, “can u wait till we get out of the car first?? PUNKS!!!!”
This same treatment will be meted out to u if u unfortunately use buses, at the bus park. Chaps will literally lift your lugguage, to 3 different buses, assuming u have 3 different bags!
The circus goes on to your house, when u hire that maid and she keeps calling you “uncle!” The last time we males associated with that word was when used to drive by Speke Road, not that we were there by choice, but by chance, and the silly ladies of vice, aka flesh peddlers, aka female ATM cards, she uses her “pin code” and gets money out of u! Anywho, as we be driving past, they start blowing gross kisses, and shout out “Daddy, uncle, am so hot for u, remove me from here, am worsening global warming!!” U be like “damn, u chicks are bright, if I do this, al call it a fundraiser, am raising tuition for yo kids!!”
Now here u are, and the maid is calling u “uncle”! Dirty stuffs! No wonder chicks don’t trust them!
A predictable rap rhyme
Whoever invented rap, told the chaps to simply abuse each other, and they will make a dime. If I were a rapper, this would be my first rhyme;
Please don’t hate,
Congratulate,
Am the best at this game,
Al put u to shame,
But u, I don’t blame,
Caz yo lyrics are so lame,
Al obliterate yo name,
And I rise to fame,
And fans will scream my name,
Coz rap will neva be the same,
When even your dame,
Decides to use my name,
For am on a flame…
WORD!!!!
Hello Mr Prez,
I don’t know if u really rememba me! I have been the MD of GLLP, a ki-ballistic organisation that takes dimes from all unsuspecting members of the working class, by charging tithe on their monthly incomes, 15%, to be exact, then they can access it when they reach 55 years of age, neva mind the average death age is 45!
U may be wondering how we keep ALL this left over money for the chaps that die at 45 and don’t collect! WE INVEST!! Part of our investments include wetlands, public schools, a hospital, squatters on the land and a few other bright investments, which rise up before their walls collapse!
Now I recently got a problem, with some of yo-wa buddies, MOFPED, and some other private investor! Now this private chap, who has no bodyguards whatsoever, has never had a public office, not even LC1, exerted on me untold political pressure! The chap showed me a map of your house! Do u know how this scared me?? He told me Diana uses the third bedroom to the left of the corridor, Natasha used to use the one adjacent to the guest house while Muhoozi always slept in a tent outside! Sir, this REALLY scared me!
Can u imagine sir, he even showed me his phone book, and your name, His Excellency, was there?? The mobile number, landline and even the warid line you use to Bang KB for Free after loading any amount of money the day before! Sir, he even started living in my office, he moved in with his KO mosquito net, which he set up on my office couch, sir!
Sir, I was so scared, I had to do what he wanted, just send to him the 11 billion shillings we had saved from all the chaps that couldn’t make it to 55, not with all these accidents caused by the poor roads that were not fixed, probably as a direct result of these guys wanting us to accumulate this 11 billion!
Sir, the MOFPED, aka Minister of Finance, Planning and Economic Development met me at the Warid launch, he was with his wife, and he called me aside, he told her to leave us alone so as to discuss some important shit, sorry,… issues sir! He told me that he wanted to buy a bank! I said “woololo”, that is impossible, I pigaad the nduulu, but nobody heard! This sir, was political influence, and taking worker’s money for personal gain! Anyway, I just allowed, and passed the bill to the investment team!
Actually daddy, even when I was in the board meeting, he called me and I told him I would report on him to you! He said mbu, I had to buy shares in his bank! The people I was sitting with on the board, even them they go to church with MOFPED, that means, they shared the money!
Me I was only left me alone, daddy, please help!! They are going to sack me!!
Ugandan hospitality
U ever gone to Naalya or rise n shine for pork? Of course u have, sori I asked! Now as soon as u park outside, 4 chaps come running to u, as if u were in that “wavah water” ad, and all the villagers are so happy to see u, back from the UK, and they be like “what did u bring us?”, and the chap unleashes a mineral water bottle which excites the villagers to unexplainable proportions!! The point probably being; “when leaving heathrow airport, please pass by that duty free shop and buy lots of wavah water, if u can EVER find it!”
So these Naalya pork chaps accost u with silly stuff like “blazza, blazza, I has the good pork” then the chick is being told “sister, mummy, sister, give me yo order”. In yo mind yo like, “can u wait till we get out of the car first?? PUNKS!!!!”
This same treatment will be meted out to u if u unfortunately use buses, at the bus park. Chaps will literally lift your lugguage, to 3 different buses, assuming u have 3 different bags!
The circus goes on to your house, when u hire that maid and she keeps calling you “uncle!” The last time we males associated with that word was when used to drive by Speke Road, not that we were there by choice, but by chance, and the silly ladies of vice, aka flesh peddlers, aka female ATM cards, she uses her “pin code” and gets money out of u! Anywho, as we be driving past, they start blowing gross kisses, and shout out “Daddy, uncle, am so hot for u, remove me from here, am worsening global warming!!” U be like “damn, u chicks are bright, if I do this, al call it a fundraiser, am raising tuition for yo kids!!”
Now here u are, and the maid is calling u “uncle”! Dirty stuffs! No wonder chicks don’t trust them!
A predictable rap rhyme
Whoever invented rap, told the chaps to simply abuse each other, and they will make a dime. If I were a rapper, this would be my first rhyme;
Please don’t hate,
Congratulate,
Am the best at this game,
Al put u to shame,
But u, I don’t blame,
Caz yo lyrics are so lame,
Al obliterate yo name,
And I rise to fame,
And fans will scream my name,
Coz rap will neva be the same,
When even your dame,
Decides to use my name,
For am on a flame…
WORD!!!!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Lightning strikes!!!
There was this story about a week ago of several cows that got killed by bolts of lightning in various farms in Mbarara district! We still cant figure out why the hell they were all standing at exactly the same spots where lighting would be passing by!
We believe these cows had organized a seminar, to discuss “the effects of udder implants” when BAM, they were gone!
In this particular farm Rwentojo, or some stuff like that, Jay the young bull and Pierre the older bull were just there staring at Clara, the ballistic cow!
Jay: Men that udder is too ballistic, cant wait for this cow to get in season”
Pierre: Look here man, we may be boys and all, but am the older one here, so I automatically get first dibs!
Jay:But u chap, u have been mounting that dummy thingy since, well, ever!! U got used to it, I have to make a good first impression on Clara, u see am not for Artificial Insemination stuff, actually, we need to call all cows to order one of these days and complain, rememba our book “rich dad poor cow”, they said “for legs, its good, two legs, not good”
Pierre: What the hell are u high on? Did u meander to Bobi Wine’s farm while grazing, dude, u chewed the wrong shit! And the more u chew cud, the higher u shall stay!
Jay: Fine, we shall put this to a vote! We shall send word out to the other families! We are going to campaign for Clara, and no lying lies to the voters! No those of those, OK, Kapish??
The electoral commission sets a rainy morning, when all farmers are in their houses, to be the voting day, so all cattle parade to vote in gazzetted areas, which are unfortunately where lightning beez chilling when it makes its regular stops to earth!
U wanted to know what happened, that’s what happened!
A simple chow, sori cow, no, bull, it begged its fucking pardon, turned tragic!
Our sorrows go out to the cattle owners, rememba, no udder implants, they cause this death!!
We believe these cows had organized a seminar, to discuss “the effects of udder implants” when BAM, they were gone!
In this particular farm Rwentojo, or some stuff like that, Jay the young bull and Pierre the older bull were just there staring at Clara, the ballistic cow!
Jay: Men that udder is too ballistic, cant wait for this cow to get in season”
Pierre: Look here man, we may be boys and all, but am the older one here, so I automatically get first dibs!
Jay:But u chap, u have been mounting that dummy thingy since, well, ever!! U got used to it, I have to make a good first impression on Clara, u see am not for Artificial Insemination stuff, actually, we need to call all cows to order one of these days and complain, rememba our book “rich dad poor cow”, they said “for legs, its good, two legs, not good”
Pierre: What the hell are u high on? Did u meander to Bobi Wine’s farm while grazing, dude, u chewed the wrong shit! And the more u chew cud, the higher u shall stay!
Jay: Fine, we shall put this to a vote! We shall send word out to the other families! We are going to campaign for Clara, and no lying lies to the voters! No those of those, OK, Kapish??
The electoral commission sets a rainy morning, when all farmers are in their houses, to be the voting day, so all cattle parade to vote in gazzetted areas, which are unfortunately where lightning beez chilling when it makes its regular stops to earth!
U wanted to know what happened, that’s what happened!
A simple chow, sori cow, no, bull, it begged its fucking pardon, turned tragic!
Our sorrows go out to the cattle owners, rememba, no udder implants, they cause this death!!
A Mermaid and a drunk chap!
Chilling here in the serene breezes of Zanzibar, at the bar, of course, minding my own, I see this ballistic chick, walking out the Indian ocean sands, in a ki-full bikini attire, as if Halle Berry in Die Anatha Day! She walks straight up to where I be, and yaps some incoherent gibberish, sounded like “2 martinis, one for me, and one for my soon-to-be hunk over here!”
Sometimes I tell these things as if I am lying, becoz no one can really blast like this, but what the heck, just read the damn thang!
So, where was I before conscience came over knocking with his usual garbage, ahh, Zanzibar!
So here is a glass of Martini in front of me, I tried to shake it, not stir it, but the damn thing just spilled all over! She ordered anatha, I said “Damn, the women emancipation over here must be on anatha level, if I were an Anglican priest, I would definitely be lesbian, since I would be gay anyway. (Nothing as silly as explaining a joke!)
Now this chick, confided in me how she was a mermaid, and me being a chap she had neva seen before, could tell me some shit!
I know that a female is made half-top chick and half-bottom fish, full with the hips and curves and all! What I still don’t get, is that geezer that made a half-male top, and the rest a bloody horse!! What the hell??
To prove a point, mermaid went back to sea, so I could see, what happens when she hit the waters, as if the Tom Hanks movie “Splash”! So she goes back in, and true to the word, I see the ballistic half fish thingy, full nice curves and all, she was shaking her arse….hips, it begged its fucking pardon, and got me all messed up, blood rushing to the wrong parts, u know wat I mean! If u don’t know wat I mean, u should probably be home watching tele-tubbies, and wait till u are 16!
So anyway, “splash” returns to the bar, probably after picking a few more dimes from prospective clients who dive under sea to beg for fortunes! Now am like “yo, how is it down there”
“Its aaiit! We get all sorts of visitors from up here! Musicians top the list! See there was this chap who came down there with only 2 eggs and some chicken feet! What the fuck was he thinking? We just broke his legs a couple of days ago when he returned here! We didn’t have jurisdiction to cross lake Victoria, the other mermaids would have killed us!”
“U mean to say there are mermaids in Lake Victoria?”
“Yeah, the “Victorian clan”! About 2 years ago, a chap went down to pray to take over power, so the Victorians pulled down a ship, MV Kabalega, to get him arms, and in the process, got themselves a new home, with lights!”
“U guys have loadshedding?”
“Yeah, chaps are still ol skool, u can imagine they still come down there with nothing but raw eggs and skulls! Who wants that shit? We need the new Chanel perfume (pronounced shanel) and some other peripherals, u dig?”
“Can we go down there for a ride?”
“Kool lets go”
As we proceed down, I rememba, shit I cant swim, so I started fighting for air, screaming as the water gushed thru my nostrils and that’s when I woke, to find bar men at the Zanzi Bar pouring water on me to get up, coz it was 6 in the morning, and I was just here in Kiwatule, Zanzi Bar just for some goat meat, that turned nasty!!!
Sometimes I tell these things as if I am lying, becoz no one can really blast like this, but what the heck, just read the damn thang!
So, where was I before conscience came over knocking with his usual garbage, ahh, Zanzibar!
So here is a glass of Martini in front of me, I tried to shake it, not stir it, but the damn thing just spilled all over! She ordered anatha, I said “Damn, the women emancipation over here must be on anatha level, if I were an Anglican priest, I would definitely be lesbian, since I would be gay anyway. (Nothing as silly as explaining a joke!)
Now this chick, confided in me how she was a mermaid, and me being a chap she had neva seen before, could tell me some shit!
I know that a female is made half-top chick and half-bottom fish, full with the hips and curves and all! What I still don’t get, is that geezer that made a half-male top, and the rest a bloody horse!! What the hell??
To prove a point, mermaid went back to sea, so I could see, what happens when she hit the waters, as if the Tom Hanks movie “Splash”! So she goes back in, and true to the word, I see the ballistic half fish thingy, full nice curves and all, she was shaking her arse….hips, it begged its fucking pardon, and got me all messed up, blood rushing to the wrong parts, u know wat I mean! If u don’t know wat I mean, u should probably be home watching tele-tubbies, and wait till u are 16!
So anyway, “splash” returns to the bar, probably after picking a few more dimes from prospective clients who dive under sea to beg for fortunes! Now am like “yo, how is it down there”
“Its aaiit! We get all sorts of visitors from up here! Musicians top the list! See there was this chap who came down there with only 2 eggs and some chicken feet! What the fuck was he thinking? We just broke his legs a couple of days ago when he returned here! We didn’t have jurisdiction to cross lake Victoria, the other mermaids would have killed us!”
“U mean to say there are mermaids in Lake Victoria?”
“Yeah, the “Victorian clan”! About 2 years ago, a chap went down to pray to take over power, so the Victorians pulled down a ship, MV Kabalega, to get him arms, and in the process, got themselves a new home, with lights!”
“U guys have loadshedding?”
“Yeah, chaps are still ol skool, u can imagine they still come down there with nothing but raw eggs and skulls! Who wants that shit? We need the new Chanel perfume (pronounced shanel) and some other peripherals, u dig?”
“Can we go down there for a ride?”
“Kool lets go”
As we proceed down, I rememba, shit I cant swim, so I started fighting for air, screaming as the water gushed thru my nostrils and that’s when I woke, to find bar men at the Zanzi Bar pouring water on me to get up, coz it was 6 in the morning, and I was just here in Kiwatule, Zanzi Bar just for some goat meat, that turned nasty!!!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The Dark Hoodlum
I saw Apuwa at the misty bar at the Serena Hotel, sitting on her own. She soon walked over to where I was sitting and gave me that look, as if the one in movies, where a chap is seated at the bar, and the chick walks over, (am sori, in the movies, the chap walks to the chick, but this is MY movie GODAMIT!!)
Anywho, Apuwa was a black and beautifull Gell, pronounced like the pint Bell. U know how that Zimbabwean messed up the song, blak and beautiful gell. This chick was dark, she used kiwi as a lotion, no no, she made crude oil look light, no scratch that, this chick would let in robbers to her house, then just lies back on her couch, and the robbers, NEVA TO SEE THE CHICK! Am sure in school when the lights would flicker during prep, chaps would start shouting “absorber, absorbee….absorber!!”
But nonetheless, she was smashing!!
Bak to the misty bar, she, always to introduce her-se-lef!
“Hi am Apuwa”
“Jack here, second name Daniels” (too WEAK, I know, but I said it)
“Well done!”………AM lying, she neva said that!
“So u are all by yo self huh?” …..That, she said!
“Yeah, I come here alone, cant afford a second person, the prices are for Zimbabwe!”
“I came with my dude but he seems to be taking forever in the loos”
“maybe he ate some crazy stuff he neva ate before”
“Nah, we only took a couple of drinks..”
“Did u get the bill?”
“Talk about it, he actually walked out as soon as it came!”
“U don’t say?”
“Oh yes I say!”
“U’ve been flim flamed!”
“Hoodwinked”
“Conned”
“U can say that again”
“Conned”
“No silly, that’s an expression!”
It was at this point that I realized 2 things!
1- I wasn’t as ballistic as previously expressed in this movie, the chick was just stranded!
2- The chick became puzzled, bamboozled…..and any other ….zzled’s out there!
So me always to be chilling there in my glee, happy about the fact that I strayed into this place solo, so she picks her phone and makes a phone call, heads to the “loos” for privacy! 1 hour later, I decide to head out, but the bar man gives me 2 bills, I scream “Say…..wats the BIG IDEA?”
The barman is like
“This other one is for yo date that u were sitting with”
“Watchu talking bout?” (even the axa kicked in!)
“the chick u were talking to, she said she was expecting someone all along, then u show up, and start talking!”
“Shit, I feel puzzled, bamboozled, and all the ….zled’s out there!!”
So let me skip to how nicely the tiles of Serena are, see they have these marble thingies, shiny stuff, u could lick them when they very well mopped, how do I know? I MOPPED THE BLOODY THIRD FLOOR!!
Anywho, Apuwa was a black and beautifull Gell, pronounced like the pint Bell. U know how that Zimbabwean messed up the song, blak and beautiful gell. This chick was dark, she used kiwi as a lotion, no no, she made crude oil look light, no scratch that, this chick would let in robbers to her house, then just lies back on her couch, and the robbers, NEVA TO SEE THE CHICK! Am sure in school when the lights would flicker during prep, chaps would start shouting “absorber, absorbee….absorber!!”
But nonetheless, she was smashing!!
Bak to the misty bar, she, always to introduce her-se-lef!
“Hi am Apuwa”
“Jack here, second name Daniels” (too WEAK, I know, but I said it)
“Well done!”………AM lying, she neva said that!
“So u are all by yo self huh?” …..That, she said!
“Yeah, I come here alone, cant afford a second person, the prices are for Zimbabwe!”
“I came with my dude but he seems to be taking forever in the loos”
“maybe he ate some crazy stuff he neva ate before”
“Nah, we only took a couple of drinks..”
“Did u get the bill?”
“Talk about it, he actually walked out as soon as it came!”
“U don’t say?”
“Oh yes I say!”
“U’ve been flim flamed!”
“Hoodwinked”
“Conned”
“U can say that again”
“Conned”
“No silly, that’s an expression!”
It was at this point that I realized 2 things!
1- I wasn’t as ballistic as previously expressed in this movie, the chick was just stranded!
2- The chick became puzzled, bamboozled…..and any other ….zzled’s out there!
So me always to be chilling there in my glee, happy about the fact that I strayed into this place solo, so she picks her phone and makes a phone call, heads to the “loos” for privacy! 1 hour later, I decide to head out, but the bar man gives me 2 bills, I scream “Say…..wats the BIG IDEA?”
The barman is like
“This other one is for yo date that u were sitting with”
“Watchu talking bout?” (even the axa kicked in!)
“the chick u were talking to, she said she was expecting someone all along, then u show up, and start talking!”
“Shit, I feel puzzled, bamboozled, and all the ….zled’s out there!!”
So let me skip to how nicely the tiles of Serena are, see they have these marble thingies, shiny stuff, u could lick them when they very well mopped, how do I know? I MOPPED THE BLOODY THIRD FLOOR!!
A tale of 2 beggars
Paul and Pearl are beggars, operating in 2 different domains of life, though both do the same thing, beg!
Paul (full names with held, for security reasons) is a street beggar, beginning the day at 8am, where he is airlifted, due to his swollen feet, to his corner just outside the post office building where he plies his trade. Years of experience have taught him to humbly stretch out his hand, with a sympathetic frown on his face, a deadly combo of sympathy and an expression of “life will end tomorrow, if u don’t sort me out now!”
Pearl, full names Pearl of Africa on the other hand, is a chap who often throws Paul some money, while on his way to his window office at the adjacent Bank of Uganda building. He sits on the 4th floor, and is responsible for making sure there’s enough money in the government coffers to run the budget!
Pearl usually tells Paul, after tossing him a coin or two, not to waste the money on un necessary things like bathing soap, he should try to eat as poorly as possible so as not to waste his money! Pearl also goes ahead and draws a “structural adjustment programme” for Paul, where he WILL not have any priorities of his own, but will be run by Pearl’s whims! For example Paul will NEVA buy Dettol soap, but will stick to the Key Blue Bar soap, that way, he will remain with bad skin, and heavy ring worms!
Pearl also instructs Paul to allow his many wives to dictate where Paul will be sitting to beg, despite Paul having control over himself!
Pearl, who practically lives off the fact that he is more powerful than Paul, gets the aura of a super human, and as long as he has more money, Paul will remain at his mercy for as long as Pearl works with BOU.
When we caught up with Pearl, he had just sat at his desk, his job being at risk, for the budget wasn’t going to work out, if he didn’t get some money ASAP! So Pearl also went to his street, in New York, where he sat down at that entrance of the World Bank building, stretched out his hand, with a sympathetic frown on his face, a deadly combo of sympathy and an expression of “life will end tomorrow, if u don’t sort me out now!”
World, whose first name is First, (First World, duuhhh) the tells Pearl how to live his life. He will not spend more money on Defence (dettol), but rather on anything else (key blue bar soap), he will allow all his wives to tell him where to sit and get the most money (multi-parties), he will also not do anything without asking World first (Structural Adjustment Program), so this way, World will feel so good, and cant live without the aura of invincibility, as long as Pearl remained a beggar!
So for all ye Africans who look down and frown at our beggars along the streets, just remember, that bugger u look up to, yes that one, who bought a new Lexus and has a high paying job at BOU, is a beggar, just like Paul, the Post Office chap!
Paul (full names with held, for security reasons) is a street beggar, beginning the day at 8am, where he is airlifted, due to his swollen feet, to his corner just outside the post office building where he plies his trade. Years of experience have taught him to humbly stretch out his hand, with a sympathetic frown on his face, a deadly combo of sympathy and an expression of “life will end tomorrow, if u don’t sort me out now!”
Pearl, full names Pearl of Africa on the other hand, is a chap who often throws Paul some money, while on his way to his window office at the adjacent Bank of Uganda building. He sits on the 4th floor, and is responsible for making sure there’s enough money in the government coffers to run the budget!
Pearl usually tells Paul, after tossing him a coin or two, not to waste the money on un necessary things like bathing soap, he should try to eat as poorly as possible so as not to waste his money! Pearl also goes ahead and draws a “structural adjustment programme” for Paul, where he WILL not have any priorities of his own, but will be run by Pearl’s whims! For example Paul will NEVA buy Dettol soap, but will stick to the Key Blue Bar soap, that way, he will remain with bad skin, and heavy ring worms!
Pearl also instructs Paul to allow his many wives to dictate where Paul will be sitting to beg, despite Paul having control over himself!
Pearl, who practically lives off the fact that he is more powerful than Paul, gets the aura of a super human, and as long as he has more money, Paul will remain at his mercy for as long as Pearl works with BOU.
When we caught up with Pearl, he had just sat at his desk, his job being at risk, for the budget wasn’t going to work out, if he didn’t get some money ASAP! So Pearl also went to his street, in New York, where he sat down at that entrance of the World Bank building, stretched out his hand, with a sympathetic frown on his face, a deadly combo of sympathy and an expression of “life will end tomorrow, if u don’t sort me out now!”
World, whose first name is First, (First World, duuhhh) the tells Pearl how to live his life. He will not spend more money on Defence (dettol), but rather on anything else (key blue bar soap), he will allow all his wives to tell him where to sit and get the most money (multi-parties), he will also not do anything without asking World first (Structural Adjustment Program), so this way, World will feel so good, and cant live without the aura of invincibility, as long as Pearl remained a beggar!
So for all ye Africans who look down and frown at our beggars along the streets, just remember, that bugger u look up to, yes that one, who bought a new Lexus and has a high paying job at BOU, is a beggar, just like Paul, the Post Office chap!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The medical check-up
Every corporate company requires at some point that all employees go for a routine medical checkup, fully paid from the corporate company’s coffers. My experience a couple of years ago while I still plied my trade with a large tax payer, was quite bizarre, why they wanted us checked I still don’t know!
So it was 9 am and my appointment was set at IHK on Jinja road! The architects of this clinic should be shot, and fed to the dogs coz they cause untold psychological suffering to we tie wearing, suit wielding citizens of the corporate world. How do u have a lobby in the middle of the loos and the exam room??!
Anywho, I walked in there, signed the usual paperwork and was sent to the doctor, a male chap, to my utter disappointment! He went thru the routine of touching my body, as if the Mariah Carey song, and even had the guts to feel my tummy, I hear “for appendicitis”. This was some rather gay shit! So he sent me to the lab, where this chick, fresh from campus, gave me cup to pee in! I had to walk all the way to the other end of the room, thru the reception, to the loo! I still cant figure out doctors, we men cant aim in a toilet bowl, and they still give us those tiny cups?! And when u start, its hard to stop, u may easily pee on yo self!
Heres the tricky part, walking back, through the reception, holding a cup of yo-wa pee! A guy who had a pint the previous night will be shaking the cup, poring drops of his own stuff along the way!
On this particular day, I met Marjorie, that ballistic new chic from Accounts, just stepping in for her check up! This chick was too hot, if she were royalty, we would refer to her as “Her Ballisticness Marjore”! Apparently when she looks in a mirror, a message appears “object in mirror is far cuter than actually seems”. This chick was too ballistic, I don’t even know why they sent her for a check, she was FINE!!
Anywho, trust God, or whoever that chap is thats responsible for embarrassing humans, Marjorie walked in, while I was headed to the lab, WITH PEE IN MY HAND!! She stretched out her palm to say hi, me always to step back, pee behind my back on my right hand, people seated behind me start smiling, having noticed the catch 22 situation I was in, and heres how; We were 2, and 20 people were watching, hence the catch 22 stuffs! Happy??
In a split of a second, I turned away from the chick, pee bottle moving on the side she couldn’t see, and straight to the lab, neva to greet the chick! So when I enter the lab, pissed as ever, I hand over the pee to the lab chick! She looked like she had just graduated, she’s like “put the pee on the sink there” with such a disgusted face, I wondered how she would examine the damn pee! Wat happened to old nurses who would just grab the bottle “give me the pee, senk u very many”, now they have to use scissors and shit to grab the cup!
Anywho, me always to walk out in disgust, signed the damn papers left over, and who do I meet? Marjorie, with a cup of pee!!!
So it was 9 am and my appointment was set at IHK on Jinja road! The architects of this clinic should be shot, and fed to the dogs coz they cause untold psychological suffering to we tie wearing, suit wielding citizens of the corporate world. How do u have a lobby in the middle of the loos and the exam room??!
Anywho, I walked in there, signed the usual paperwork and was sent to the doctor, a male chap, to my utter disappointment! He went thru the routine of touching my body, as if the Mariah Carey song, and even had the guts to feel my tummy, I hear “for appendicitis”. This was some rather gay shit! So he sent me to the lab, where this chick, fresh from campus, gave me cup to pee in! I had to walk all the way to the other end of the room, thru the reception, to the loo! I still cant figure out doctors, we men cant aim in a toilet bowl, and they still give us those tiny cups?! And when u start, its hard to stop, u may easily pee on yo self!
Heres the tricky part, walking back, through the reception, holding a cup of yo-wa pee! A guy who had a pint the previous night will be shaking the cup, poring drops of his own stuff along the way!
On this particular day, I met Marjorie, that ballistic new chic from Accounts, just stepping in for her check up! This chick was too hot, if she were royalty, we would refer to her as “Her Ballisticness Marjore”! Apparently when she looks in a mirror, a message appears “object in mirror is far cuter than actually seems”. This chick was too ballistic, I don’t even know why they sent her for a check, she was FINE!!
Anywho, trust God, or whoever that chap is thats responsible for embarrassing humans, Marjorie walked in, while I was headed to the lab, WITH PEE IN MY HAND!! She stretched out her palm to say hi, me always to step back, pee behind my back on my right hand, people seated behind me start smiling, having noticed the catch 22 situation I was in, and heres how; We were 2, and 20 people were watching, hence the catch 22 stuffs! Happy??
In a split of a second, I turned away from the chick, pee bottle moving on the side she couldn’t see, and straight to the lab, neva to greet the chick! So when I enter the lab, pissed as ever, I hand over the pee to the lab chick! She looked like she had just graduated, she’s like “put the pee on the sink there” with such a disgusted face, I wondered how she would examine the damn pee! Wat happened to old nurses who would just grab the bottle “give me the pee, senk u very many”, now they have to use scissors and shit to grab the cup!
Anywho, me always to walk out in disgust, signed the damn papers left over, and who do I meet? Marjorie, with a cup of pee!!!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Kids, judge a book by its kover
KIDS!!!
Am sure Lucifer, a.k.a satan, aka lord of the underground was a kid when God, aka the almighty one kicked his ass outta heaven, to the much more uncomfortable confines of firewalls, no, not the computer ones, the ones of hell!
Research has been trying to figure out why humans love their kids, despite all the bullshit we have to put up with. For example when they are just born and look like a cross of a Chinese and that other slimy character from Lord of the rings named Gollum, we lie to them that they are so pretty! Why?? I hav no clue!
The next sequence of events that occur in the relationship between the slimy bugger and the parents, is a nauseating experience that any first time parent will wish had never happened in the first place, coz the alarm clock will be discarded, replaced by the constant and unwarranted wailing at ANY given time of the night, by Gollum look-alike in its baby cot! Waking up at 1am, 2am and 2.30am become a part of your lives, just because “kiddie wants milk!”.
1 year later, after getting accustomed to the aforesaid punishment, little kiddie now starts to attempt to talk, and trust the mothers to learn the language so fast. The mums be like “a bujujujuuju swetetetettttt bujujujujuuuju”. We onlookers be like “what the hell is she saying?”. U can imagine the minister of state for defence is in her house playing with this little toddler, saying incoherent things like “baby bay baby u are choo cute, oh yecchhhh, u are cho cuute yech u are yech u are!!”. Then her assistant walks in with orders for more missiles, and she has to switch the language immediately to “look, we shall use the bazookas, armoured tanks and machine guns to corner them at winy kibul, then flush them out!” We onlookers be like “how do u do that? U are bi lingual?”
5 years later, the little bugger, now the life size of Gollum, attempts to start speaking, and says funny stuff, like “daddy, yuk, yuk, I did chuchu on my che-yef!!” “mommy, am sasitifaid, no more miyik”. We can put up with that at least!
8 years later, and the little buggers start lying, like our hard chap Richard Pryor put it, see he walked in the room and found the kid, and he was like
“who broke that glass?”
“huh?”
“Say, who broke that glass?”
“OK”
“So u broke ut?”
“OK, ama tell ya, u know wat happened?”
“(why would I ask?)”
“See first, I wasn’t even in here, first I was in the kitchen. Then….then, when I was in the kitchen, u know wat happened? U don know wat happened????? OK, ama tel ya! I came runnin in here, I wasn’t really runnin, rememba wen u told me not to run, when am in the house, uh ha? So I wasn’t really running, but my legs was moving so fast, looked like I was running, but I wasn’t really runnin runnin! Then when I came in here, that glass, it was already broke!! So I pushed the door, then abvkdfsgdsgfwejwe, then fell, then broken broken broken!! That’s wat happened!”
13 years later, they are pushing toys that use batteries, the stronger the battery, the better the toy, and the greater the respect in the neighbourhood! Bak in our day when we used to manually push our toys, the strongest toy belonged to that chap with the hoarsest voice, his toy was “too hard”.
But nonetheless, we were all like that once, IMPOSSIBLE to imagine!
2 - Judge a book by its cover!
We have been told countless times neva to judge a book by its cover. This elementary saying cuts across borders, and does not confine its meaning to just books, but goes on to people, movies just name it, but we are here to muse over certain “books”, in case we were to judge them by the cover.
1- Nakudata;
This is a popular song, whose title is not in contention, but the saying in the song that goes “aboogedde boogede bingi baagala tu chow-agane”. Literally, this means that haters want us to do the damn thang, translated directly, that is!
2- Memoirs of a geisha;
This was as if a hit movie, judging from the publicity it generated. But we were still puzzled why Ugandans didn’t receive it well, like “the last king of Scotland”, but probably its because Geisha is soap, with that slogan of “lasts for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever….” (crappy u think? Me too!). So its to our belief that no ugandan wanted to watch the life of some garbage piece of soap, we had already found nemo, and were not going back to the ocean to look for soap!
3- Dick Kasolo;
This can neva be a coincidence, how do u get 2 names, from 2 TOTALLY different dialects, founded in different civilisations, but both your names refer to the male genitalia! We know 2 chaps with this combo name, but that’s not coincidence, its destiny! Just know u are a dick!
4- 7 habits of highly effective people;
Unfortunately, some people bought this book to get help on how to effectively solve certain issues, like 1-“how to borrow money and get away without paying it” 2- “how to sleep with that girl in accounts, and u don’t call her the next day” 3- “how to not marry the girl from accounts” 4- “how to kill the guys who make beer adverts and say there are no hangovers” 5- “how to shoot bank sales executives who only tell u only 2 of the banks 21 charges” 6- “how to kill yo boss, and let everyone find out” 7 – “how to make the ATM machine fall in love with yo ATM card”
Instead, the damn book was telling us totally different garbage!
5- Who stole my cheese;
Apparently, this damn book is about business crap! We thought it was about this brilliant mouse that keeps stealing this guy’s cheese, and he was tryin to figure out who the hell this mouse was?
In a nut shell, judge the damn book by its cover, otherwise u’ll buy the wrong stuff!
Am sure Lucifer, a.k.a satan, aka lord of the underground was a kid when God, aka the almighty one kicked his ass outta heaven, to the much more uncomfortable confines of firewalls, no, not the computer ones, the ones of hell!
Research has been trying to figure out why humans love their kids, despite all the bullshit we have to put up with. For example when they are just born and look like a cross of a Chinese and that other slimy character from Lord of the rings named Gollum, we lie to them that they are so pretty! Why?? I hav no clue!
The next sequence of events that occur in the relationship between the slimy bugger and the parents, is a nauseating experience that any first time parent will wish had never happened in the first place, coz the alarm clock will be discarded, replaced by the constant and unwarranted wailing at ANY given time of the night, by Gollum look-alike in its baby cot! Waking up at 1am, 2am and 2.30am become a part of your lives, just because “kiddie wants milk!”.
1 year later, after getting accustomed to the aforesaid punishment, little kiddie now starts to attempt to talk, and trust the mothers to learn the language so fast. The mums be like “a bujujujuuju swetetetettttt bujujujujuuuju”. We onlookers be like “what the hell is she saying?”. U can imagine the minister of state for defence is in her house playing with this little toddler, saying incoherent things like “baby bay baby u are choo cute, oh yecchhhh, u are cho cuute yech u are yech u are!!”. Then her assistant walks in with orders for more missiles, and she has to switch the language immediately to “look, we shall use the bazookas, armoured tanks and machine guns to corner them at winy kibul, then flush them out!” We onlookers be like “how do u do that? U are bi lingual?”
5 years later, the little bugger, now the life size of Gollum, attempts to start speaking, and says funny stuff, like “daddy, yuk, yuk, I did chuchu on my che-yef!!” “mommy, am sasitifaid, no more miyik”. We can put up with that at least!
8 years later, and the little buggers start lying, like our hard chap Richard Pryor put it, see he walked in the room and found the kid, and he was like
“who broke that glass?”
“huh?”
“Say, who broke that glass?”
“OK”
“So u broke ut?”
“OK, ama tell ya, u know wat happened?”
“(why would I ask?)”
“See first, I wasn’t even in here, first I was in the kitchen. Then….then, when I was in the kitchen, u know wat happened? U don know wat happened????? OK, ama tel ya! I came runnin in here, I wasn’t really runnin, rememba wen u told me not to run, when am in the house, uh ha? So I wasn’t really running, but my legs was moving so fast, looked like I was running, but I wasn’t really runnin runnin! Then when I came in here, that glass, it was already broke!! So I pushed the door, then abvkdfsgdsgfwejwe, then fell, then broken broken broken!! That’s wat happened!”
13 years later, they are pushing toys that use batteries, the stronger the battery, the better the toy, and the greater the respect in the neighbourhood! Bak in our day when we used to manually push our toys, the strongest toy belonged to that chap with the hoarsest voice, his toy was “too hard”.
But nonetheless, we were all like that once, IMPOSSIBLE to imagine!
2 - Judge a book by its cover!
We have been told countless times neva to judge a book by its cover. This elementary saying cuts across borders, and does not confine its meaning to just books, but goes on to people, movies just name it, but we are here to muse over certain “books”, in case we were to judge them by the cover.
1- Nakudata;
This is a popular song, whose title is not in contention, but the saying in the song that goes “aboogedde boogede bingi baagala tu chow-agane”. Literally, this means that haters want us to do the damn thang, translated directly, that is!
2- Memoirs of a geisha;
This was as if a hit movie, judging from the publicity it generated. But we were still puzzled why Ugandans didn’t receive it well, like “the last king of Scotland”, but probably its because Geisha is soap, with that slogan of “lasts for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever….” (crappy u think? Me too!). So its to our belief that no ugandan wanted to watch the life of some garbage piece of soap, we had already found nemo, and were not going back to the ocean to look for soap!
3- Dick Kasolo;
This can neva be a coincidence, how do u get 2 names, from 2 TOTALLY different dialects, founded in different civilisations, but both your names refer to the male genitalia! We know 2 chaps with this combo name, but that’s not coincidence, its destiny! Just know u are a dick!
4- 7 habits of highly effective people;
Unfortunately, some people bought this book to get help on how to effectively solve certain issues, like 1-“how to borrow money and get away without paying it” 2- “how to sleep with that girl in accounts, and u don’t call her the next day” 3- “how to not marry the girl from accounts” 4- “how to kill the guys who make beer adverts and say there are no hangovers” 5- “how to shoot bank sales executives who only tell u only 2 of the banks 21 charges” 6- “how to kill yo boss, and let everyone find out” 7 – “how to make the ATM machine fall in love with yo ATM card”
Instead, the damn book was telling us totally different garbage!
5- Who stole my cheese;
Apparently, this damn book is about business crap! We thought it was about this brilliant mouse that keeps stealing this guy’s cheese, and he was tryin to figure out who the hell this mouse was?
In a nut shell, judge the damn book by its cover, otherwise u’ll buy the wrong stuff!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)