They say oil is a curse, am beginning to believe so. It brought the word “rig” to Ug, like a socially transmitted disease!
Chaps from Heritage Oil started “rigging” oil wells some time back, before scampering like rioters being showered by tear gas at the Kiseka market, but only after Tullow agreed to part with major dimes to let them continue the “rigging”.Before we knew it, the word was transmitted (not sexually) to the NRM primaries, and has stuck to every vote being done in this country like a cheap suit from that tailor at the verandah of Musana Plaza!
Some guys were winners on one day, declared losers the next and then as if winners the next, we were as confused as the Uganda Police wondering whether 5 or more people need a permit to gather around or not. However, we decided to start looking for a vaccine for this dangerous disease when it creeped into social circles that need a vote from a panel of Judges, the Miss Uganda contest!
This farce that took place over the weekend was typical of an NRM primary, chaps still have no idea who the heck the winner is! So here is what happened! Sylvia Awori, the former organizer threw in the towel for organizing this contest, probably after realizing it had no real effect on her fashion business, just like how the US abandoned Somalia in 1992, “there was no oil bitch!!”
She handed this stuff to some chick named “Church”, so one would imagine a contest of angelic proportions, but not in this Church (pun definitely intended). This Church first organized this contest last year, in which the Miss Uganda UK was flown in to give her acceptance speech, what’s that shit of strutting yo stuff yet the organizer knows you are the shit! We forgave her!
This weekend, the Church chick organized yet another debacle, and she called it “Miss Uganda”, again. She organized “boot camp” where these chicks were trained on how to be ballistic, how to impress the judges and many other funny funny things only Red Pepper is aware of. The organizers even got Judges who would rate these chicks and pronounce a winner.
They did!!
So as the judges sat back, chilling and sipping pints and congratulating themselves on a job well done, they eagerly sat back to see their results come to fruition! It was never to be! Like the Kenyan elections of 2007, the wrong winner was announced, the Electral Commision of the Miss Uganda contest then quickly called in the winners to “State House” and assembled a panel of journalists to cover the event “Live on NTV” before any lumpens could come up with any objections, she was announced and that was that!
The furious Judges then demanded answers “why have we been wasting time here? Okay we enjoyed the red wine and bounty-full samosas but this is bullshit!! The wrong Raila won!! There were stuffed ballot papers, we were only 3 judges but the results are from about 7 people”
The Admission!
The Church chick then allowed, “It’s true the votes were from more people than the electorate…sori, the Judges. You see, we take these chicks to boot camp, and we start rigging the election from there, we know who will win, so we just call in judges to make this comedy look a little more authentic, shya, even NRM does it!! Everybody is doing it!!”
Man, at this rate, we might just begin to believe the conspiracy theories that these “Harriers from Pepsi” have already been paid for by the “eventual winners”, mbu they just use a “teacher from Moroto”, pay the ka lumpen 20k, then give the log book to the real owner!! Ever seen a Kampala chap, corporate chap win this shit?? Don’t they drink the most? Rigging bastards!!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Uganda becomes a Boarding school!!
This couldn’t wait, its an emergency. Either am drunk or am seeing things funnily, “am seeing in tongues!!”
Today’s headline, in the New Vision, “Security to clear parties, weddings” is not supposed to be a big deal, but read the paper, and u are in for a ki deadly shock. Under the new bullshit so called guidelines, issued yesterday, wedding receptions will only go ahead after clearance from the Police. Not bad, you may think, then here this;
“any gathering of more than 5 people in the city and its suburbs must get a clearance from the IGP”, this guy is goin to be the busiest chap EVER!
“We are sounding a warning. No gathering of more than 5 people, even if it is in your compound, shall be held without the clearance from the IGP. We want to ensure the safety of our 32 million people. If business owners can’t afford security gadgets, they should hire bouncers” What gives?? Is hiring free or what!“
This does not stop at weddings, but also applies to wedding meetings, funerals and vigils. Places like funerals attract many people so we need to ensure their safety”What crap!!
So now am in my compound, trying to drink that deadly evening pint, my 3 neighbours have shown up and 3 OB’s have brought pints! Shit, we are now 6, what can we do?
“Does any of you guys have the IGP’s number, we cant meet now, we are 6!!”
“Let one of us go drink at the garage, ok 2 of us so they don’t be lonely, that way, when the police show up, we shall be 4 and 2, no offence”
How about bars, there are usually crowds of more than 5. Now Cayenne has to get “multiple clearances” from the IGP, seeing as they host about 5,000 characters in a night!If this aint bullshit, then there’s no other name for it. Luckily, we have been thru this crap before and this too, shall pass, like the bullshit order to close bars at 10pm!Silly Police, like they don’t have any useful shit to do anymore!
Am really feeling bad for the time we have to go for a vigil, chaps, don’t die, I don’t have the IGP’s direct line, or we shall just dispose of you like the mafia, coz I ain’t getting arrested for nobody!! (that’s my excuse)
Today’s headline, in the New Vision, “Security to clear parties, weddings” is not supposed to be a big deal, but read the paper, and u are in for a ki deadly shock. Under the new bullshit so called guidelines, issued yesterday, wedding receptions will only go ahead after clearance from the Police. Not bad, you may think, then here this;
“any gathering of more than 5 people in the city and its suburbs must get a clearance from the IGP”, this guy is goin to be the busiest chap EVER!
“We are sounding a warning. No gathering of more than 5 people, even if it is in your compound, shall be held without the clearance from the IGP. We want to ensure the safety of our 32 million people. If business owners can’t afford security gadgets, they should hire bouncers” What gives?? Is hiring free or what!“
This does not stop at weddings, but also applies to wedding meetings, funerals and vigils. Places like funerals attract many people so we need to ensure their safety”What crap!!
So now am in my compound, trying to drink that deadly evening pint, my 3 neighbours have shown up and 3 OB’s have brought pints! Shit, we are now 6, what can we do?
“Does any of you guys have the IGP’s number, we cant meet now, we are 6!!”
“Let one of us go drink at the garage, ok 2 of us so they don’t be lonely, that way, when the police show up, we shall be 4 and 2, no offence”
How about bars, there are usually crowds of more than 5. Now Cayenne has to get “multiple clearances” from the IGP, seeing as they host about 5,000 characters in a night!If this aint bullshit, then there’s no other name for it. Luckily, we have been thru this crap before and this too, shall pass, like the bullshit order to close bars at 10pm!Silly Police, like they don’t have any useful shit to do anymore!
Am really feeling bad for the time we have to go for a vigil, chaps, don’t die, I don’t have the IGP’s direct line, or we shall just dispose of you like the mafia, coz I ain’t getting arrested for nobody!! (that’s my excuse)
Friday, September 17, 2010
Beef with a plan-less "tycoon"
So what’s goin’gz on in this state? Funny shit I tell ya’
There’s a new clown in town! After the pre-mature death of theater factory and the rise of the "same-joke superstar" Pablo (who laughs at his own “jokes”), we finally have a clown we can always miss that important beer to go see……Mike Ezra, the show stopper (or is it starter)
This genius will play with your mind like he was a research scientist at a NASA lab, if he doesn’t leave you in stitches to nurse those broken ribs resulting from the very had laughs, he will leave you in a state of awe, asking him to come give a donation to your NGO or you begging him to lend him some money hoping you will get an interest in the very short term.
I subscribe to the former, the laughing kind!
This genius clown borrows money from one person, then spends it like he had a direct phone call to Jesus and the guy assured him that the world was ending the next day. He will hire a helicopter to go watch a national soccer game, complete with a ring of bodyguards that rival his competitor in the money show business, Col Gaddafi him-u-selef! He will then pay, hard borrowed cash, bonuses to each team player for the win before flying his broke self to the Sheraton.
This carefully-scripted show confuses the Sheraton management into submitting to the broke lumpen’s demands to get an entire Presidential suite on credit;
“Bub, I think he is good for it, he moves in a chopper and shit, let’s just give him the rooms”
“Yes Sir”
After getting a free room, he calls in the press to show them how he is living the life of royalty and issues a blank cheque to these greedy pests who in turn shower him with phony names like “young mysterious tycoon”.
These little shows of sycophancy on the part of the uncouth press give him leverage with more banks, lenders, real tycoons and some international exposure that portray him as credit worthy, a guy whose dimes is stuck in a bid for a large English club, Leeds United (as reported by the reporter hyenas) so he can borrow and will pay back with major interest.
However, the truth is always lurking behind everyone like a hungry dog waiting for you to drop that chicken bone! It strikes like lightning and exposes like a prostitute on Speke Road!
Credits mounted this chap like a young bull elephant on heat, and screwed him like a young bull elephant on heat! He was cornered like a house rat and his only remedy was to run head first onto it’s attackers, no time to think, lay strategy and see a way out, coz he had no other way out, being the plan less rat that he is.
He ran straight to his creditors through his former ass lickers, the press, showing off wads of suspected fake dollars, coz he carefully left behind the chemicals and type writers he had used to print all these rims of paper!
Which idiot pushes off creditors by showing them money……GIVE them the dimes BITCH!!
It’s like your dog barking hard coz its hungry, then the best you do is come out the window, show it a bag of freshly roasted sausages, then telling it not to complain, “coz there’s food, bitch!”
So as we await the next part of this tragi-comedy, coz it sure may not end well, I hope the chaps from barbed wire could start a series around this clown! Or maybe there’s a larger story behind it…..only time will tell!!
There’s a new clown in town! After the pre-mature death of theater factory and the rise of the "same-joke superstar" Pablo (who laughs at his own “jokes”), we finally have a clown we can always miss that important beer to go see……Mike Ezra, the show stopper (or is it starter)
This genius will play with your mind like he was a research scientist at a NASA lab, if he doesn’t leave you in stitches to nurse those broken ribs resulting from the very had laughs, he will leave you in a state of awe, asking him to come give a donation to your NGO or you begging him to lend him some money hoping you will get an interest in the very short term.
I subscribe to the former, the laughing kind!
This genius clown borrows money from one person, then spends it like he had a direct phone call to Jesus and the guy assured him that the world was ending the next day. He will hire a helicopter to go watch a national soccer game, complete with a ring of bodyguards that rival his competitor in the money show business, Col Gaddafi him-u-selef! He will then pay, hard borrowed cash, bonuses to each team player for the win before flying his broke self to the Sheraton.
This carefully-scripted show confuses the Sheraton management into submitting to the broke lumpen’s demands to get an entire Presidential suite on credit;
“Bub, I think he is good for it, he moves in a chopper and shit, let’s just give him the rooms”
“Yes Sir”
After getting a free room, he calls in the press to show them how he is living the life of royalty and issues a blank cheque to these greedy pests who in turn shower him with phony names like “young mysterious tycoon”.
These little shows of sycophancy on the part of the uncouth press give him leverage with more banks, lenders, real tycoons and some international exposure that portray him as credit worthy, a guy whose dimes is stuck in a bid for a large English club, Leeds United (as reported by the reporter hyenas) so he can borrow and will pay back with major interest.
However, the truth is always lurking behind everyone like a hungry dog waiting for you to drop that chicken bone! It strikes like lightning and exposes like a prostitute on Speke Road!
Credits mounted this chap like a young bull elephant on heat, and screwed him like a young bull elephant on heat! He was cornered like a house rat and his only remedy was to run head first onto it’s attackers, no time to think, lay strategy and see a way out, coz he had no other way out, being the plan less rat that he is.
He ran straight to his creditors through his former ass lickers, the press, showing off wads of suspected fake dollars, coz he carefully left behind the chemicals and type writers he had used to print all these rims of paper!
Which idiot pushes off creditors by showing them money……GIVE them the dimes BITCH!!
It’s like your dog barking hard coz its hungry, then the best you do is come out the window, show it a bag of freshly roasted sausages, then telling it not to complain, “coz there’s food, bitch!”
So as we await the next part of this tragi-comedy, coz it sure may not end well, I hope the chaps from barbed wire could start a series around this clown! Or maybe there’s a larger story behind it…..only time will tell!!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Cool Colonialism!!
The world is round – definitely true, the church people can smother themselves on this one, they were wrong to reject those “scientific facts”.
I don’t even have to go Galileo on this one, coz hairstyles do come back, huge shades and bags made a comeback, and yep, colonialism too, it’s back big time, but I don’t think you know this!
Well, it’s not like there are white uniformed chaps out there whipping blacks to submission, but this colonialism has hit us through our tv screens! We are being intoxicated (and am sure as hell not complaining) by tv shows, we have even started speaking like a true colonial character in the modern times, so if you ever catch yourself saying some things, just know that Kwame Nkurumah and Patrice Lumumba will bitch slap you when you eventually meet, coz this is the shit that people here in Ug have resorted to;
When asking for directions:
“Erm, drive about 2 miles after the Ntinda trading center, you will find a bunch of cabs after a Shell gas station, take a left and drive about 3 or 4 blocks down that lane then u’ll see my apartments, holla at yo bwoy when u get there!!”
In real African stuff, this is how we used to say….before the movies!
“kati now, u will drive up to Ntinda, then u will continue driving doooooowwwwwn until u find a stage for special hires at a big mango tree, branch left from there then u will pass about 3 or 4 houses and then u will find as if a ka flat with a green gate….that’s my gwa!”
These days however, here is how we do it…after a couple of series and movies:
When u go to Mulago:
“Man, ad like to see House……or Dr Cox!”
When a police man “pulls you over”
“Officer, I was only doing 80 miles an hour, you popo’s make us sick!!”
When at a petrol station:
“How much does your gas station sell a gallon?”
When sending the housemaid for slippers from the kafunda shop:
“Go down to the store and get me some rubber push-ins!”
When ordering takeaway at Chillies:
“Do you cats have fries?”
When going to the village:
“Man am going to the country to see my old folks!”
When going to the salon / barber shop:
“off to the hair dressers”
When before an England soccer game, you can sing their entire anthem, and can't pass the line of "Oh Uganda......." in ours.
When your ringtone is the Liverpool anthem.
When you say "you are playing at home at Stanford Bridge"
That’s just the few av encountered, we’ll pray to God the whites don’t actually physically come back, although all indicators point to the fact that we may want them back, if our lingo is anything to go by.
I don’t even have to go Galileo on this one, coz hairstyles do come back, huge shades and bags made a comeback, and yep, colonialism too, it’s back big time, but I don’t think you know this!
Well, it’s not like there are white uniformed chaps out there whipping blacks to submission, but this colonialism has hit us through our tv screens! We are being intoxicated (and am sure as hell not complaining) by tv shows, we have even started speaking like a true colonial character in the modern times, so if you ever catch yourself saying some things, just know that Kwame Nkurumah and Patrice Lumumba will bitch slap you when you eventually meet, coz this is the shit that people here in Ug have resorted to;
When asking for directions:
“Erm, drive about 2 miles after the Ntinda trading center, you will find a bunch of cabs after a Shell gas station, take a left and drive about 3 or 4 blocks down that lane then u’ll see my apartments, holla at yo bwoy when u get there!!”
In real African stuff, this is how we used to say….before the movies!
“kati now, u will drive up to Ntinda, then u will continue driving doooooowwwwwn until u find a stage for special hires at a big mango tree, branch left from there then u will pass about 3 or 4 houses and then u will find as if a ka flat with a green gate….that’s my gwa!”
These days however, here is how we do it…after a couple of series and movies:
When u go to Mulago:
“Man, ad like to see House……or Dr Cox!”
When a police man “pulls you over”
“Officer, I was only doing 80 miles an hour, you popo’s make us sick!!”
When at a petrol station:
“How much does your gas station sell a gallon?”
When sending the housemaid for slippers from the kafunda shop:
“Go down to the store and get me some rubber push-ins!”
When ordering takeaway at Chillies:
“Do you cats have fries?”
When going to the village:
“Man am going to the country to see my old folks!”
When going to the salon / barber shop:
“off to the hair dressers”
When before an England soccer game, you can sing their entire anthem, and can't pass the line of "Oh Uganda......." in ours.
When your ringtone is the Liverpool anthem.
When you say "you are playing at home at Stanford Bridge"
That’s just the few av encountered, we’ll pray to God the whites don’t actually physically come back, although all indicators point to the fact that we may want them back, if our lingo is anything to go by.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Corporate farewells!!
Do You ever be in office (yeah, that corporate stuff) and some little bored nut from HR shows up with some form you have to fill up coz “some employee is leaving”, so he / she needs some stuff written on about them, possibly nice stuff……here’s what you actually be thinking about (I have actually been busy…some bullshit, I know, so I decided to copy and paste this shit from some place I can’t really remember so it looks like I have a new blog post, read on)
Get Well soon leave / Sick leave
Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.
If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.Let me know about the desk.
You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.
Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!
Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!
Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!
Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!
You are actually leaving!!Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!
Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.
Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!
Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.
The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.
Maternity leave
Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.Congratulations!
What colour is it?
Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.
Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.
Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.
Salesman of the year award
I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.
OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!Seriously, let me know.
God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!
I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.
Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?XXXJohn
(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)
Get Well soon leave / Sick leave
Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.
If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.Let me know about the desk.
You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.
Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!
Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!
Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!
Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!
You are actually leaving!!Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!
Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.
Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!
Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.
The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.
Maternity leave
Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.Congratulations!
What colour is it?
Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.
Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.
Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.
Salesman of the year award
I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.
OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!Seriously, let me know.
God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!
I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.
Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?XXXJohn
(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)
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