Saturday, August 28, 2010

Do you pay yo taxes?? Well i try....atleast!!

I've just been registering for a TIN, e-tax style. U see, as a professional lounger with a licence to chill, sometimes we need to make a dime, I mean the utility bills wont magically stop looking for me like a search warrant from a Grade 2 magistrate’s court!

Hence the need to be “tax compliant” in order to hammer a couple of deals here and there.

The process is quite interesting, you use the computer to get your details to URA, that way at least you can lie to a computer without it noticing the body language and investigating further.

Did I say lying, sori, I meant “clarifying”.

The first step is to tell the damn thing yo name, the Sir name and the other one, first name, that one from the white people in the bible thingy.

Then , she asks you for the amount of money you earn, yearly income. Its at this point that a pop up window appears saying “SERIOUSLY!!!! FOR REAL!!!!JUST THAT??!!” and you be like “Fuck off, it’s for true god damn it!”.

She then proceeds to gather information pertaining to your expenses, and after typing in this stuff, she asks, “will you please remove amounts relating to alcohol and tobacco, these cannot be reduced from taxes liable…….” Then I be asking, if a car takes fuel and it is an expense, in the same vein, the body takes fuel / alcohol to keep in shape”, “bullshit” she replies, “take it off”.

She then asks me if I had any other sources of income. I inquired if sending emails purpoting to be Sani Abacha’s son asking if I can send money through your account as a source of income…she refused to reply, “idiot alert” the pop up said!

It is at this point that I scattered to the FAQ’s page to figure out what to deduct and avoid giving my dimes to the hyenas at KCC’s road maintenance division, and here they are:

If cockroaches ate your socks, you are allowed a claim of not more that 60% of the amount the socks were worth, within the financial year of income being declared.

You may not deduct condoms and birth control pills, for you are depriving us of future sources of income, you selfish abortionist bitch!!

You may deduct wages for the shamba boy, gate chap and that broke chick that mops the house and irons the clothes, God knows how they need that ka dime.

If your household property, particularly chairs and wardrobe furniture was destroyed by a pride of rodents probably from the neighbor’s house because yo broke self has no food (hence the feast on the wood), you are liable to pay this amount, coz you are an irresponsible punk that failed to buy rat poison, this is a punishment (and a present to the government)

In case your expenses are more than your income, make sure your name is Bebe Cool or Micheal Ezra, coz we sure aren’t taking your shit! URA giveth, URA taketh away!

And that’s how I became “tax compliant”.

Funny exam answers!! (from the net)

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Makerere University's Usual Shenanigans!!

Once again, news is coming in from the dead university…Makerere uni. Yep, they are on strike again. You will be forgiven if caught wondering “but I haven’t heard of any tear gas there”, but that’s because this time round, it’s the lecturers having a go at it, they were sick of the students having all the strikes to themselves!

This time, they are asking for some dimes which they were depositing to NIC and they haven’t received a coin yet the contract mbu ended in 2k5. Talks between the Uni chaps and the goats from the Ministry of Finance failed to resolve this shit. After more than 7 hours of nail-biting negotiations (yep, chaps were just biting their nails, bored like an askari at an ATM machine), there seemed to be no end in sight, just like how we students saw no end in sight in our horrendous search for that elusive transcript and gave up!

Freshers / new blood who had just finished their orientation week, begged the chaps of Nile Breweris to extend the orientation period of free base pinting and chow experimenting for as long as the lecturers kept up their resolve not to teach.

They jammed!

The following people are therefore urged to make use of the situation at campus for their own ends;

Perverts: Yes, sexual predators and child molesters, the Serengeti plains of Makerere University are teeming with lots of prey for your perverted gratification. Bored chicks looking for a quick meal of “sips and sicken” are roaming the Masaai Maraa areas of Wandegs knowing they have no lectures to attend in the morning and have no food in the kitchen since the cooks are on strike too! This is your paradise, fools!

Recently-promoted-corporatal-buggers: They are never complete without a “ka-side-dish”, forget those bullshit adverts that hit us last year, chaps jammed to listen! You see, boy graduates, boy gets job, boy gets out of mommy’s house to rent his own, boy therefore becomes man, man meets chick, man confuses chick, man disturbs us for wedding meetings, man marries, man returns to school and gets masters, man gets promoted, man gets car allowance……he is still not complete until…..well, u guessed it, MAN FINDS OTHER RIB!! This one has to be a ka campuser who is simply mesmerized by that company logo on that company pick up and that company blackberry! This is the time, the bu chicks are just there grazing on boredom!

FDC / IPC strategists: These political clown fish will not sleep until there is a riot, and what better way than to incite a bunch of bored lumpens who have no dimes to take out the chicks they are roaming about with? FDC chaps love to see violence, tear gas and burning cars, these are their guys!

Members of Parliament: These guys somehow have the worst results in terms of education performance. While the Makerere chaps are still on strike, they should go bribe them and get their transcripts altered while they still have a chance. (and probably add to their list of concubines while at it)

Who else…..le me chiiiiiiiii…..hmm, no one really!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The interview panel!!

The scene is an air conditioned office……but the bloody air con ain’t working, so we, yes we, the panel, are sweating like goats being led to a slaughter house. You, the audience, are busy wondering what the panel is for, but wonder no more, coz we are interviewers! The subject going to walk in thru that door has been haharing reading all sorts of crap, sijui “don’t show up too late for the interview”, “carry a copy of yo Cv just in case”, “be smart, but not too smart”……while we, the panel, were downing pints like Owen falls dam downs water!

As we are chilling, we are handed some papers to “guide us” with the process, and I feel sorry for this ka job seeker, nga he is going to haha! So, here is how it went, never mind the chap wanted to be a pump attendant, this “guideline” was to be strictly adhered to, so here goes;

1 – Little punk, tell us about yourself;

Well, am Darius, am from Kanungu, Rushengye village Runahaka parish (ah heck, that’s what I rememba, they probably aren’t like that) . I obtained a certificate in Uganda Certificate of Education and a driving permit. I am a quick thinker and take keen in learning.

2 – Alright bugger, what is your greatest strength?

You mean like carrying things?

No punk, where do you work best?

Haaaaa, I don’t think I understand that one.

3 – Fine, slow chap, What are your 3 most important career accomplishments?

As a driver, I used to overtake all the cars on the road. Then also, I used to get my boss there on time….but that’s all.

4 – Ok, why would you like to work for us?

Anyway I lost the other driver job. The boss took the car and got accident, so now I have no work so that's why I want to work for you…..

5 – What is your opinion about our organization?

They told me that you have some jobs.

6 – What personal non-job related goals have you set for yourself?

Ok I want to be rich, like Jim Muhwwezi of Kanungu, but you see I have to start slowly.

7 – Is there anything you like to tell us about yourself that we may have overlooked?

Anti you know I don’t steal. I cannot cheat customers, that one you didn’t know.

8 – Do you have any question about the position?

Can I work only at night?

9 – What are the things that motivate you most?

If the salary is good!

10 – Finally, little punk, how do you feel about your career progress so far?

Ok I can drive, so so far its so good. But if you give me this job, I will be happy.

Well, am still considering the lump, at least he’s honest!

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Weed Smoker's Movement!!

We can’t run away from it, yep, we “aethists” too. There is a spiritual side to life, coz there’s this stuff we just don’t understand, and aren’t supposed to, its called faith.

Trailblazers of the early age took it upon themselves to create “religion”, a state of mind where we believe in whatever we are told. Christians, muslims, Jesuits, Hindus, name it, all came up with their own thinking, although these are loosely based on a savior chap that showed up from the heavens. The hardest “faith” however has to be “rastafari”!

Most people however have misunderstood the entire concept, and are out to ruin it, most especially idiots like Bobi Swine and his motley crew of jejune hangers on! These immature bastards think smoking weed and wearing dreadlocks makes them “rastas”, they need a shot of “reality” slithered into their drunken veins. So here is the real “rasta” faith!

First off, its not called “rastafarism”, coz it’s not a religion, but a way of life, a movement (not Ofwono Opondo’s crap though), an ideology! The term Rastafari is taken from Ras Tafari, the title of Haile Selassie 1, whom the proponets of this movement thought was the son of God (Jah) re-incarnated. See they prophesied that a son of the big one would show up on our wretched premises in the original birthplace of mankind referred to as Zion, also known as Africa.

Ras is Ahmaric (Ethiopian language) for Head or King. Haile Selasie was named “Tafari”, which is Ahmaric for a King’s name, as if Pope John Paul or Pope Benedict, a pre-regnal given name to Ethiopian Kings. This chap was crowned at the exact same time the Rasta’s believed a King was returning to earth, hence Rastafarians, the chaps that believe in Ras Tafari.

The Rastafaris do not believe in the morally corrupt western ways of doing shit, a term referred to as “Babylon”, ways of the world. Ok, they smoke a few leaves here and there but that’s only because nature gave us these. In a few words of Katt Williams, weed is good shit! It’s just a plant, it comes out of the earth on its own. However, aspirin is a concoction of deadly chemicals. U swallow 20 of them, and that will sure be yo last headache! Pop Idol winner Fantasia tried this shit last week and is now apologizing to her fans “al be a better person, no more suicide attempts”.

But with weed, u just get happy, hungry and sleepy! Why it’s illegal and asprin isn’t…….

Rastas also believe that Jah, in the form of the Holy Spirit, lives in us humans., and it is for this reason that they refer to themselves as “I and I”, actually “I” is used instead of “we” and is used to identify the equality amongst all people.

Generally rastas assert that their own bodies are true temples of the holy spirit so theres no need to build churches and stuff. However, why they douse their temples with grass fumes still beats the oblongata.

Patois, a Jamaican form of speak, is misused as rastafari language. There is no rastafari language, just that the chaps that invented it (Rastafarians) happen to live in Jamaica, whose “English” is known as patois, and some of their words are;

“a go” going to: e.g me a go tell him!

“bashment”: a party, dance session

“battybwoy”: a gay chap

“bumbaclut”: The heaviest curse word.

“big tings a gwan”: good shit is goin on.

“cease and sekkle”: Stop everya’ting and relax.

“evryating crisp”: All’s well.

“wa’ gwan star”: What’s happening my friend.

“mi a fi”: I am goin to.

“horn”: to cheat on yo loved one.

“hornin”: Commit adultery.

“hot stepper”: fugitive from jail.

“i-rey”: excellent, cool.

“pun”: with

So next time you hear those pretenders from “fire in the base crew” posing on you mbu they are rastas, just know that they are saying some bullshit like:

“wag wan star, mi a fi go hornin pun Martha evryating crisp butty bway…” Just know he aint making sense.

One love….and big ups from jah!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The extremes of personal hygiene!!

I was watching an old Kevin Spacey movie, K-PAX, where he claimed he had fallen in from another planet. He was immediately hauled off to a “Psychiatric facility”. He asked “you think am mad?”, and Doc was like “no no no, we don’t use that word anymore, we say “ill”. Talk about political correctness! A woman isn’t fat, she is big-boned! But that’s for another day.

In this “illness facility”, there was a guy that felt that “everyone stinks”, so he just couldn’t live in the outside world. This got me thinking, it’s very easy to get this disease, coz here’s the list of the stinkest persons that live around us!

Taxi conductors: These goons emit a stench that would put a conglomerate of rotten eggs and sulphuric acid to shame! The saddest bit of all this is that u have to get into physical contact with these skunks as they slide over that door and let you squeeze your way under their rotting arm pits to your dusty seat. The first whiff of air you breathe in that has been in contact with the surrounding areas of the arm pit is strong enough to knock your lungs into an asthmatic attack, never mind you had never gotten asthma before.

House girls: Looks like these wenches from the village spend entire hours plotting how to kidnap the boss’s kids, and forget to hit the showers. These very useful persons reek of a stench that beats that from a sewer truck that is emptying the sewage tank in the backyard! When they mop the corridor, the area stays smelly of arm pit for almost 25 minutes, u be calling that chick that is coming home begging her to wait abit, so she doesn’t think you smell like a security guard that has just returned from night duty!

Bar Waitresses: Like their cousins the house girls, these chicks seem to work all night and drop dead on their beds as soon as they reach their cribs, then they wake up at exactly 4.30 pm, splash water on their faces and hit the streets coz reporting time for work is 4.45pm. These chicks serve you pints and leave a trail of that smell of a familiar emission of fermented arm pit sweat! Only a cold pint can treat this disease.

Pump attendants: With all the money they make after cheating customers, one would expect these thieves to at least be decent in public, but no. On top of being smelly, they also add a twist to the stench, a deadly combo of sweat, fuel and used engine oil! Luckily, their girlfriends are waitresses, so no one complains!

On the contrary, there are persons that are too clean! Pastor Sematimba is the best example. This guy even calls the chaps at Johnson’s Powder and gives their R & D teams tips on what their next best seller should be;

“chi kati chi kati, this is Se Se Se ma-timba on the mic….sorry, on the phone. Is this Johnson’s powder company….man y’all dudes need to sort me out. Is there a powder that I can use while am showering? What y’all cats need to do, is come up with this powder that is also soap, u see, am addicted to cleanliness, I should be diagnosed “ill” y’all”

I don’t know if its nice, but guys that use strong perfumes piss me the hell off, and most of them are…..corporates. They be going for training in Dubai and buy a shelf of perfumes and give some of us sinutic characters sleepless days….and nights when we are at bars. A simple deodorant will do!

End of today’s sermon on “world cleanliness day”.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The goings on.............

Life, she can be unfair. Apparently the Bududa chaps, yep, them of the landslide, and this was no election landslide, but some hard core earth movements (not NRM either) that destroyed all their shit, are in a rather weird situation. They are selling relief items organized for them “in order to make ends meet”. Once you read this, you would assume that chaps have been sending them high heeled shoes and petty-coats, those funny under wears for chicks in the 70’s, so it would be perfectly understandable to sell these and get…say, food!

But no, not these guys. They are selling food……wait for it….wait for it……to buy firewood!!! What gives? Now u have the firewood, what the hell are you going to cook? It’s like selling yo car to buy fuel! Edisa Natseli,46, a mother of 6 “explained” that she sells a kilo of maize flour at 400 bucks while a bowl of beans goes for 600 bucks which can fetch her 6 pieces of firewood! Well, that’s life for ya!

In more interesting pages, Naomi Campbell, that chick that hits her housemaids with million dollar cell phones has been in the spotlight for accepting what every chick would die for – diamonds!

A quick recap! The year was 1997, a certain war lord named Charles Taylor that had been in an endless war settled for an election convened to end all this reckless flight of bullets. In his campaigns, he didn’t mince words, never bought bullshit soap for broke villagers and never even thought about rigging…no no, this guy just walked around in his campaign bus telling chaps “ya’ll punks don’t tick my name on that ballot paper, am getting my rag tag army and heading back to wherever the hell I have been and continue mayhem as usual”. Liberians feared, and voted for him.

He was immediately summoned by the God Human him-u-selef, Nelson Mandela to “come share a pint with some hot chicks, as congs for this election landslide”. He fell in, no one says no to God….sori, Mandela.

Mr Madiba took these guys to open a new railway system, replacing that old hack that looked like Uganda’s current subway, and after that, they went for a lavish dinner at his home just to show how African politicians do it. The invited chicks include phone thrower Naomi Campbell and an actress Mia Farrow, whose movies I have no idea about. At the dinner, Charles Taylor was smitten by Naomi Campbell, he probably wished she would throw her phone – number to him, but she jammed!

He immediately made a call to General Suicide of the Sierra Leone rebels in charge of minerals, assuring him to send whatever diamonds he had just mined to SA ASAP!! Of course he would be issued a carton of anti-tank landmines and an assortment of Rambo guns in return.
As soon as Western Union had delivered these “dirty looking stones”, Mr Taylor summoned his PGB boys and asked them to deliver these precious ones to that precious chick upstairs. They obeyed!

They woke this cat-walking bitch up in the middle of the night and delivered the “gift”. She was over joyed and run to Ms Farrow’s room and exclaimed “looky here bitches…….Charles Taylor has given me diamonds, now suck on that!!”

However, this Campbell person has denied all this shit. She says she got the stones alright, but never to know who had sent them. Ms Farrow, who is still probably “sucking on it”, insists she said “they were from Taylor”, but the question is, who really gives a hoot? Just jail the punk up for selling arms for diamonds and get it over with. Or maybe they should summon all his girlfriends too to explain the source of their bling bling.

So this cancels buying of diamonds as gifts to super ballistic chicks, look at the shit it can put u in! (that’s my lame excuse)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Post No. 200!!

This is the 200th post, no wonder I have lost my writing mojo! I first checked under the kitchen sink, wapi, just some young roaches lounging on “a day at the beach”. Then I checked under the cushions of the couch, only to find some lose 50 bucks coins! What about???!!

I started spewing out nonsense in around Aug ’08, so this makes it 100 a year. If one had a “word checker” and scanned through this blog, he would be hit with such profanities he / she may beg to sign out before the timer at the cafĂ© has even closed.

Words like “bullshit, punk, lumpen, pumpkin and Budo fellas” make my day. I am the guy Satan warned you about in Revelations, the prophet of doom and the rebel without a cause, the guy nature sent to piss everyone off!

Now that we are done with the introductions, let’s randomly type some shit so the blog dashboard can finally show “200 posts”

I've been thinking, what the hell (there go more curse words) do musicians want from us? We be there chilling for a song and the bastards (again!!! Woo hoo) are asking us questions? How are we supposed to answer these chaps? Pur example….

Culture club: Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?

Yes bitch, I want to grind you with an axe and steal yo girlfriend (make u cry like a little sissy piglet!). Unfortunately my song with the reply couldn’t get to culture club so this is the farthest I can take this reply. Howsomever, this song may not have been written so we can reply to it, but rather, for the lousy chicks at Kibubura Girls High school to use it to send as “deds” to their farmer boy friends across at Kinyasano Boys Day and Boarding, somthn’ of the sorts:

Dear Kapere,

As the pen dangles perpendicular to the writing pad lying here on my desk, I am only thinking about your smile. You are the executive prime minister of my heart, and I love you more than cabbages! So why is it that you did not mic mac me a reply after I clearly asked you to read, relax, rewind and reply my last letter that was zoomed to your humble abode? I feel broken in the heart like Maama Proscovia’s cooking pot!! Prease prease, don’t let me down.

Deds: Do you really want to hurt me?? Do you really want to make me cry – by hen sink!

Song Question numero deaux: Why don’t we fall in love? – Amerie.

Ok!!

Song question 3: Why does it hurt so bad? – Whitney and Cece.

Well whitney, I talked to “Gad” yesterday, he said that the punk Adam went and ate some shit he wasn’t ‘pposed to, so we were sent down here to haha! Shit will be tight, if u are a celeb and u fuck up, be sure to catch it on “have you hahad”, in the New Vision.

Song question 4: Who let the dogs out? – The bahima men….no no, the Baha Men.

Well, I have no clue. The dogs are out? How many? Shouldn’t we call some KCC environmental chaps to check out this thing? Ah what the heck, al figure out who let these dogs out in a bit!

Well there are several ways to answer these songs, just like there are several ways to skin a rat. The ultimate question however is, why on earth would anyone be skinning a rat? We have enuff districts already!

With this aimless, pointless and useless compilation of words, I declare post number 200 done!

That’s all folks!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Back to school....!!

The scene is Machakos Primary School, it’s the mid-eighties and Mrs Mburugu is drilling into our tiny nuts these stories, they are known as nursery rhymes, but not quite rhymy after all, if you think about it! Why the hell did she first wait for us to leave nursery to teach us this stuff anyway?

First there was this little punk Jack and his horny girlfriend Jill. Apparently they went up a hill to fetch water and came tumbling down like Jamwa’s career! Who fetches water up a hill??? Most water, at least on earth, flows down the hills, at the valley. So unless Jack and Jill were busy doing bad manners and lost footing……or something to that effect, there is no other explanation.

Then there was this short character Humpty Dumpty who sat on the 1 billion shilling campus wall, then he had a great fall, prompting the Finance Director of the University to declare, like a normal Ugandan, that he will not resign, just because a wall came tumbling down. And what the hell was Humpty doing up there anyway?

Cinderella: These are the stories that make u want to bitch slap the chaps in charge of the syllabus! So this chick was just there chilling, unhappy as usual and talking to her cat, then a fairy showed up and asked her to bring a pumpkin and 7 mice which she splashed with her magic wand and voila, a horse carriage to take the damsel to the local prom. What crap! There are no fairies. You work. You get paid. You save. You buy a freakin’ carriage! Then u get to live happily ever after.

Rapunzel: This bitch was locked up in a tower with no windows, doors or stairs to the top floor. Wonder how they built it! They should lock up these IPC chicks that be demonstrating all the freakin time in these towers, and pray their hair never grows……unlike Rapunzel. Her tormentor, the witch, would ask her to throw down her long hair, which she would grip like an RDC on Government funds, then climb up the wall. Apparently some prince pulled a fast one and got himself up there, then as usual……they lived happily ever after! Someone should look for these guys just to be sure the ever after was that ballistic!

Snow white and the seven short bastards. In this story, a beautiful chick is awakened from a deep sleep by the kiss of an enchanted prince. All these stories had a suffering chick and a so called ballistic prince. In our days, we are woken up by alarm clocks and noisy neighbours.
The three little pigs: A big bad wolf moves around blowing down pig’s structures. We now call these rioters!

And finally, that jam from the sound of music, remixed for all ye alcoholics anonymous; This remix was done in the ol’ skool days of Y?N-Vee when we used to call money “dough”, here goes;

Dough, with which, I buy my beer

Ray, the guy I buy it from

Me, the guy, I buy it for

Far, the distance to the bar

So, I think al have that beer

La, the punk that steals that beer

Tea, no thanks another beer

That will bring us back to dough…dough….dough…dough!

Now that’s what the kids should be learning!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Agony Aunt!!

This is today’s agony Aunt letter as stolen from some email forward;

Dear Miriam,

The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual.
I hadn’t gone a hundred meters down the road when my engine conked out screeched to a halt, so i walked back home.

I walked back home to get my husbands help. When I got home, I found him in the bedroom. I couldn’t believe my eyes, he was parading in front of the mirror dressed in my underwear and high heeled shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband 34 and we have been married 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie because he couldn’t find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he has been wearing them for 6 months. I told him it had to stop or I would leave him.

He was made redundant from his home and says it has made him depressed so he finds solace in trying to be me. Ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distanced and I don’t feel I can go through this anymore. Please, can you help?

Martha.

Miriam says……..Martha, a car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee line holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet fold. If none of these helps, it could be that the fuel pump is faulty causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor chamber. Hope that helped.

Now if that’s not Agony Aunt, then I don’t know what people want!

A Birth Story!!

It was all scenes of hysteria and massive joy as the parents….that’s 2 peoples, were all in a state of frenzy at the maternity ward to welcome their new bundle of pampers, baby wipes and johnson’s baby powder combined.

The slimy little bugger was welcomed to the gloved palms of Dr Johnson who had spent almost 15 minutes urging the all sweaty mom to push harder, as it seems the Gollum-lookalike inside her was intent on staying in the tummy, stretching her stretch marks to air balloon-like proportions.

Little Tommy, as he would be called from hence forth, weighed in at slightly less that a lonely pack of Lugazi sugar seated at a shelf at Metro cash and carry, awaiting to be finished by the sugar ants, coz at 1 kilo, this kid wasn’t shit!

On finally emerging from the under belly of mommy, little Tommy was crying incessantly to the chagrin of Dr Dr J, who was forced to smack Tommy’s 2 thumbs…or rather, his minute excuse for an ass!

Within seconds, his rope, which was uncomfortably hanging from his navel on to the insides of mommy, had to be cut off like the GAVI funds after Jim Muh-wealthy had failed to account. It was at this moment that mommy regained consciousness and started wailing to see little Tommy, before one of the nurses could pull off a fast one and switch the kid for a doll…..or something like that!

The greasy and overly slimy little bugger was first washed up like a raw fruit from Shoprite, toweled up like a freshly fried rolex and brought to mama to acquaint himself with the person that’s going to send him to church every Sunday and lick his boogers every morning!

Introductions set, Dr J heads over to accounting to report yet another successful birth, and sign against his “success” commission, before the overly excited parents are hit with an overly expensive bill which they are overly willing to pay!

And with those few words, little Tommy was now a human!

Motivational Keynote Forgers

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