Back to school....!!

The scene is Machakos Primary School, it’s the mid-eighties and Mrs Mburugu is drilling into our tiny nuts these stories, they are known as nursery rhymes, but not quite rhymy after all, if you think about it! Why the hell did she first wait for us to leave nursery to teach us this stuff anyway?

First there was this little punk Jack and his horny girlfriend Jill. Apparently they went up a hill to fetch water and came tumbling down like Jamwa’s career! Who fetches water up a hill??? Most water, at least on earth, flows down the hills, at the valley. So unless Jack and Jill were busy doing bad manners and lost footing……or something to that effect, there is no other explanation.

Then there was this short character Humpty Dumpty who sat on the 1 billion shilling campus wall, then he had a great fall, prompting the Finance Director of the University to declare, like a normal Ugandan, that he will not resign, just because a wall came tumbling down. And what the hell was Humpty doing up there anyway?

Cinderella: These are the stories that make u want to bitch slap the chaps in charge of the syllabus! So this chick was just there chilling, unhappy as usual and talking to her cat, then a fairy showed up and asked her to bring a pumpkin and 7 mice which she splashed with her magic wand and voila, a horse carriage to take the damsel to the local prom. What crap! There are no fairies. You work. You get paid. You save. You buy a freakin’ carriage! Then u get to live happily ever after.

Rapunzel: This bitch was locked up in a tower with no windows, doors or stairs to the top floor. Wonder how they built it! They should lock up these IPC chicks that be demonstrating all the freakin time in these towers, and pray their hair never grows……unlike Rapunzel. Her tormentor, the witch, would ask her to throw down her long hair, which she would grip like an RDC on Government funds, then climb up the wall. Apparently some prince pulled a fast one and got himself up there, then as usual……they lived happily ever after! Someone should look for these guys just to be sure the ever after was that ballistic!

Snow white and the seven short bastards. In this story, a beautiful chick is awakened from a deep sleep by the kiss of an enchanted prince. All these stories had a suffering chick and a so called ballistic prince. In our days, we are woken up by alarm clocks and noisy neighbours.
The three little pigs: A big bad wolf moves around blowing down pig’s structures. We now call these rioters!

And finally, that jam from the sound of music, remixed for all ye alcoholics anonymous; This remix was done in the ol’ skool days of Y?N-Vee when we used to call money “dough”, here goes;

Dough, with which, I buy my beer

Ray, the guy I buy it from

Me, the guy, I buy it for

Far, the distance to the bar

So, I think al have that beer

La, the punk that steals that beer

Tea, no thanks another beer

That will bring us back to dough…dough….dough…dough!

Now that’s what the kids should be learning!