The big headline from yesterday’s New Vision, who still claim to be Uganda’s leading daily, just like all radio and TV stations claim the bragging rights to being the No. 1, was a stunner!
Reading the story, I kept checking the name of the paper again and again to confirm it wasn’t the Red Pepper, which is notoriously known for the sexual innuendos in all their stories, like when Gaddafi met the Toro queen, but these chaps took the whole story to the highest levels of sexual proportions!
So, the ‘leading daily’ was reporting on the findings of the MPs that visited the police barracks! All the wives were complaining mbu they are sexually starved! One, who requested anonymity, due to the gravity of her starvation, said that 2 families share a unipot, and so they can’t ‘do it’ when the kids are in. She added, that ‘as a human being, they should understand her situation’ and that ‘she only got her chow privileges when the kids were on holiday and had been sent to the village”
To make the story more ballistic, she said that she couldn’t do this chow kaboozi when the kids are in coz she didn’t want to make noise ‘and how can u enjoy a meal when u are not talking?’, she wondered out loud!
The reporter also added that the police dogs live in better conditions than the officers, ‘coz they even have tarmac leading to their kennels, and the compound for the kennels is very well kept’, plus they eat dog food, of 50,000 bucks each, a day.
Being a policeman is quite crappy, its no wonder that last Sunday at the Ecumenical Church of Christ, located at the barracks, when the priest asked a section of policemen if they believed in re-incarnation, they said “yes”, and when further asked in what form they would like to return to earth in their next life, 90% responded that they would love to return as police dogs, German shepherds to be exact, that way, they would get a once in a lifetime chance of living in a tarmac compound, and eating packaged food!
However, a sex scenario of a common police woman would go thus;
“Daddy Officer, welcome back from the duties! How was it? Well done! I have prepared for you the katogo, and u know what, nga I am hot down there, but the children are going to the village in 2 weeks time, should we go to the latrine for a quick one, anti u know we can’t eat food without talking”
“But mummy, I don’t have the tools right now”
“Officer, I want you to arrest me, for being idle and horny, if u want to make a statement, I have the paper, under my skirt, and right now there is even some ink, people call it worrezz! So handcuff me now, remove my shoes and belt, and take me to solitary detention”
“Aii maaama, but u have to first bribe me, we do that to ALL suspects”
“But daddy, me the other day I heard that a group of lions is called a pride, but a group of Ugandan policemen is called a bribe!! But since u are just alone alone just u yo-wa-selef, just come I bribe u with worrezz, I will be quiet, the children wont hear!!”
“Ok, just bring that bedsheet and we cover”
That’s when the kids come in, with their new dot com stuffs;
“yo pops, just hit it and quit it!!! we gots to sleep dawg!!”
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Global fund dimes
The Global fund dimes are BACK!! Apparently, the Minister of Health, yea, that shabbily bearded chap whose neighbourhood barbers seem to be charging him an arm and a leg for beard cuts, announced recently that the dimes had started flowing back to Uganda, albeit slowly, cautiously, meekly and all those other bu nice words that end with …ly, but mean that corruption will be reduced!
These dimes are supposed to fight diseases that we had last heard of, while we were preparing for PLE, coz we really don’t give a shit what this money is for, we only give a shit about how to lay our filthy hands on them, then run to City Tyres to soup up our BMW rims and tyres, then go hang at Fat Boyz, with the boot open, and our sub-woofers blaring louder music than Fat Boyz and JK combined!
If anyone were to get a job with Cheeye’s former dime backers, one would think he was doing an interview for a P7 teacher’s job, coz u will be reminded of stuff like Bilharzia! What the hell was that again? Imagine yourself at that ka desk at Kitante, just having grabbed the exam sheet, and no. 1 is;
Q: Name the 7 deadly diseases;
A: The 7 deadly diseases are (u know u had to write the question again, for kazungu purposes, village schools still fail becoz of this little handicap) measles, TB, bilharzia, diphtheria, whooping cough, over pinting and over chowing without using the C in ABC. (The last 2 have been added to keep up with the real stuff these little Lil Wayne punks be writing on their exam sheets!)
Reading what this global fund money is supposed to do actually takes you back in time! When was the last time u heard of Whooping Cough? And what the hell is whooping cough?? Is it a scenario where someone jumps around while they cough? Or is it a cough with beats? Whooping sounds like a dance style, we obviously know what cough is!
Scientists who play John the Baptist by naming these diseases should write a memo explaining how they pick up these names. For example, the Global Fund dimes are supposed to take care of Communicable and non-communicable diseases.
See when these diseases are being classified, scientists usually sit down with representatives from these diseases, usually they meet in secluded areas like Kati Kati or Rwenzori Coffee. Representatives from Club Disease usually consist of a virus, a germ, a bacteria, a parasite and some stray red blood cell that went rogue, and was now helping diseases with valuable information on when to attack, and where! See that’s how AIDS started, some rogue cell!
Now when the doctors talk to parasite, they be like, “yo parasite, man u are re-ya-ly wiping off humans with this yellow fever thingy, do u think we can reach a truce of sorts??” Mosquito beez like “Al first consult with my swamp relatives on that one”
The doctors be like “Say, this disease can speak to us!!! Voila!! It’s a communicable disease, classify that, and send it to the Global Fund headquarters, tell them we are still interrogating bacteria and germ, to get information on whooping cough, but in the meantime, leave whooping cough as non-communicable”.
But unfortunately for Buchaman, that one legged, hoarse-voiced dancehall artiste of sorts, was born when some other Cheeye was eating Global fund dimes. Now first, he was hit by Polio, which was a communicable disease, coz Polio just told chaps “look, for me to disappear, just put some strange mix of syrup and force it down every little kid”, but it looks like the dimes that were sent to Buchaman’s crib were pocketed by the Cheeye of that time, coz to make matters worse, the ka punk also got whooping cough, coz his voice got so heavy, and he is always jumping/whooping all over the place!
So, for purposes of creating more Buchamans, LETS EAT THE GLOBAL FUND DIMES!!!!
These dimes are supposed to fight diseases that we had last heard of, while we were preparing for PLE, coz we really don’t give a shit what this money is for, we only give a shit about how to lay our filthy hands on them, then run to City Tyres to soup up our BMW rims and tyres, then go hang at Fat Boyz, with the boot open, and our sub-woofers blaring louder music than Fat Boyz and JK combined!
If anyone were to get a job with Cheeye’s former dime backers, one would think he was doing an interview for a P7 teacher’s job, coz u will be reminded of stuff like Bilharzia! What the hell was that again? Imagine yourself at that ka desk at Kitante, just having grabbed the exam sheet, and no. 1 is;
Q: Name the 7 deadly diseases;
A: The 7 deadly diseases are (u know u had to write the question again, for kazungu purposes, village schools still fail becoz of this little handicap) measles, TB, bilharzia, diphtheria, whooping cough, over pinting and over chowing without using the C in ABC. (The last 2 have been added to keep up with the real stuff these little Lil Wayne punks be writing on their exam sheets!)
Reading what this global fund money is supposed to do actually takes you back in time! When was the last time u heard of Whooping Cough? And what the hell is whooping cough?? Is it a scenario where someone jumps around while they cough? Or is it a cough with beats? Whooping sounds like a dance style, we obviously know what cough is!
Scientists who play John the Baptist by naming these diseases should write a memo explaining how they pick up these names. For example, the Global Fund dimes are supposed to take care of Communicable and non-communicable diseases.
See when these diseases are being classified, scientists usually sit down with representatives from these diseases, usually they meet in secluded areas like Kati Kati or Rwenzori Coffee. Representatives from Club Disease usually consist of a virus, a germ, a bacteria, a parasite and some stray red blood cell that went rogue, and was now helping diseases with valuable information on when to attack, and where! See that’s how AIDS started, some rogue cell!
Now when the doctors talk to parasite, they be like, “yo parasite, man u are re-ya-ly wiping off humans with this yellow fever thingy, do u think we can reach a truce of sorts??” Mosquito beez like “Al first consult with my swamp relatives on that one”
The doctors be like “Say, this disease can speak to us!!! Voila!! It’s a communicable disease, classify that, and send it to the Global Fund headquarters, tell them we are still interrogating bacteria and germ, to get information on whooping cough, but in the meantime, leave whooping cough as non-communicable”.
But unfortunately for Buchaman, that one legged, hoarse-voiced dancehall artiste of sorts, was born when some other Cheeye was eating Global fund dimes. Now first, he was hit by Polio, which was a communicable disease, coz Polio just told chaps “look, for me to disappear, just put some strange mix of syrup and force it down every little kid”, but it looks like the dimes that were sent to Buchaman’s crib were pocketed by the Cheeye of that time, coz to make matters worse, the ka punk also got whooping cough, coz his voice got so heavy, and he is always jumping/whooping all over the place!
So, for purposes of creating more Buchamans, LETS EAT THE GLOBAL FUND DIMES!!!!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Slap the King of Kings!!
Life’s a trick sometimes! If at the end of our mortal lives, those times when we succumb to bodily temptations like stealing, lusting et al ends, a process called death, we journey forth, to the unknown. Chaps like the Pope are insisting there is some guy called God, that chap who the authors of the bible kept calling the King of Kings of Israel, which begs the question, is He (in a capital H) also the King of the kabaka, and these other chaps that just received 4 billion bucks, but not of Israel? Of course, the Muslims call him Allah, yeah, both factions at least agree on that!
So if by any chance they are right, and I meet this God chap, the first thing I will do is SLAP the hell outta his right cheek, and then wait for him to turn the other, on the advise of his son, who escaped from his grave, before KCC could give away the cemetery to private investors! This God guy would be writhing in so much pain, he would beep the Angel of death to rush down to earth and deliver to him Maxi Priest, so they could do a remix to ♫ how can we ease the pain, that the people goin under ♫
Picture this, Jehovah is just chilling there creating humanity, then he goes “Son, am going to torture these fools!”. Do you comprehend how hard it is to wake up in the morning? The body is sooooo weak, u just curse the gods for making money the only thing we can use to purchase stuff! Just imagine if our bodies were ATMs and just by breathing oxygen, the deposits would turn into dimes! Chaps would be sleeping all morn, and just wake up to play solitaire and catch-up with facebook! And that morning drizzle at 6.45 am just kills the whole morning, u just want to slap the creator for this torture, worse than water-boarding!
The only time a man can be happy to wake up is that moment when he has started co-habiting with Marjorie, that new chick from accounts! He will wake up and just stare at her, then when she gets up he goes “I love waking up to your pretty face”, never mind he hasn’t brushed for the last 12 hours, this chick will just be like “CAN U TALK TO ME LATER AFTER U BRUSH……BITCH!!!” But that’s just in her head, coz in real life, u don’t just assure the chap like that, who’ll buy u the next ice cream? So the chick just smiles back, holds her breath, and gives the lumpen a little morning kiss, while closing all the passages to her nostrils and any smell detecting cells along the route to the lungs!
We other men who haven’t yet nailed Marjorie, have to settle for the pillow, give it a morning hug and it doesn’t even complain of our breath! But we be cursing the morning gods, coz all we have to think about is not “the pretty face” but the ugly faces of our bosses! We be wanting to slap our imaginations! Now am getting up to go sit with this crappy pumpkin all day, I wish other radio stations took a cue from Sanyu FM and all start a thingy of “get your boss out of town”, we would be sending sweet messages to the stations talking bout “please send our boss to Paris for that trip, he is sooooo hardworking and caring that the only thing we would like to see is him having a holiday of his life……Ps, is there a way we can add on some money so you extend the holiday by like 6 more months, we would appreciate if you could get back to us urgently on the second matter, coz we have the dimes!! Senk u for your co-operation!”
Then on top of waking up early (everyone seems to have this disease), the traffic jam is oba how?? These hummer driving chaps who used to pose on us, now only bring them out on weekends, what with the 20 thou fuel costs for just being stuck in traffic all morning, they were heard murmuring “banange nga this posing is killing my wallet, my ka second girlfriend is complaining that I no longer buy her 2 phones per month, I have to keep this car home before someone takes her!”
So all this was what the King of Kings had in plan when that Adam punk ate the apple! When he said “I shall send your horny asses to earth where u shall till like a problem, u shall waketh up early when u are tired and go to face that punk, called the boss, and u shall suffereth, till u finally dropeth, and come back here for further review”!
Now u see why we should all slap this King of Kings chap!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Confidential happenings!!
First, Mr Seezi Cheeye, that chap that used to split the atom in his Uganda Confidential, spilling beans, or rather spilling atomic matter, on corrupt chaps, ended up doing the same stuff he was preaching against! Ok we know Pastor Kayanja smuggles wine, but him he was just trying to practice what his boss told him! According to mind readers, Kayanja knows that Jesus turned water into wine, so for him he decided to use boats on water to bring in lots of wine, probably for his flock, or he was going to sell them at Karuka! Practice what u preach!
Now just as city buildings were collapsing and markets catching fire, Mr Cheeye, also collapsed, like some un-finished NSSF building! Some chaps who had been grabbed by traffic cops for overspeeding were telling the cops "do u know who I am, let me call for u someone and u talk to him, you are making a big mistake!" "Hello, office assistant, please get me through to Mr Cheeye, some police lumpens are trying to arrest me, let him talk to them" "Erm, am very sorry sir, but u may have to join him where he has gone" "What!!!! Thats impossible, but the man is untouchable, ok please get me through to Jim Muh-wealthy please!" "Sir, your shit is tight, he is also being investigated!!"
"Officer, please just have this 20 thou, am very sori i disturbed you"
"But u nyankoles ello, u just be here ku-manyiraing us ello, u step out of the vi-he-ko we are going to our establishment, next time be nice ello....."
Now we ordinary chaps have to find other "big men" to look up to, i wonder who has Muhoozi's number! As a member of "the axis of sacrificers for this country", reyally we can rely on this chap!
But atleast 1 billion has been refunded to the Gobal fund account since the investigations began. Equity bank should forget all that nonsense of "wedding meeting loan" and start a "Global fund refund" scheme to sort out these chaps, who had used the dime to put up the buildings that probably collapsed, now their egos are collapsing too as they will be nobodys soon, after being handed out long term sentences and called names like "monster" by the judge!
The IGG has been running up and down claiming corrupt chaps are after her job! Now she can see that it's not exactly true! We hahad this chick, saying mbu it's God who appointed her! The last time a person on earth talked to God was some chap called Nebuchadnazer, oba what had happened. Those days the cellular companies were too ballistic, a king would just call the Amelia Kyambadde of God and be like "yo angel gabriella, put me thru to the big man, u see apparently the Philistines are planning to attack us, and i want to know whether we shall kick their asses or if i should flee to Garamba and organise peace talks" "Just a second please, Yo God, Nebuchadnazer is on line 2, he says its urgent"
These days we just be calling Warid to Warid, never to have God's number. Now the IGG is saying things might have changed. Maybe since Orange came in, they could be having an inter galactic network that allows calls to Ange Gabriella's station, coz she (IGG) keeps insisting she's doing God's work! God must have told her "Mwondha, chill, am there for you, don't dare step in parliament, you'll be out of a job faster than Cheeye, at least him he will keep writing his economic articles from a prison perspective, things like "how to survive the credit crunch of sugar, while in prison", u i don't have any other job for you"!
And that's how it goes!
Now just as city buildings were collapsing and markets catching fire, Mr Cheeye, also collapsed, like some un-finished NSSF building! Some chaps who had been grabbed by traffic cops for overspeeding were telling the cops "do u know who I am, let me call for u someone and u talk to him, you are making a big mistake!" "Hello, office assistant, please get me through to Mr Cheeye, some police lumpens are trying to arrest me, let him talk to them" "Erm, am very sorry sir, but u may have to join him where he has gone" "What!!!! Thats impossible, but the man is untouchable, ok please get me through to Jim Muh-wealthy please!" "Sir, your shit is tight, he is also being investigated!!"
"Officer, please just have this 20 thou, am very sori i disturbed you"
"But u nyankoles ello, u just be here ku-manyiraing us ello, u step out of the vi-he-ko we are going to our establishment, next time be nice ello....."
Now we ordinary chaps have to find other "big men" to look up to, i wonder who has Muhoozi's number! As a member of "the axis of sacrificers for this country", reyally we can rely on this chap!
But atleast 1 billion has been refunded to the Gobal fund account since the investigations began. Equity bank should forget all that nonsense of "wedding meeting loan" and start a "Global fund refund" scheme to sort out these chaps, who had used the dime to put up the buildings that probably collapsed, now their egos are collapsing too as they will be nobodys soon, after being handed out long term sentences and called names like "monster" by the judge!
The IGG has been running up and down claiming corrupt chaps are after her job! Now she can see that it's not exactly true! We hahad this chick, saying mbu it's God who appointed her! The last time a person on earth talked to God was some chap called Nebuchadnazer, oba what had happened. Those days the cellular companies were too ballistic, a king would just call the Amelia Kyambadde of God and be like "yo angel gabriella, put me thru to the big man, u see apparently the Philistines are planning to attack us, and i want to know whether we shall kick their asses or if i should flee to Garamba and organise peace talks" "Just a second please, Yo God, Nebuchadnazer is on line 2, he says its urgent"
These days we just be calling Warid to Warid, never to have God's number. Now the IGG is saying things might have changed. Maybe since Orange came in, they could be having an inter galactic network that allows calls to Ange Gabriella's station, coz she (IGG) keeps insisting she's doing God's work! God must have told her "Mwondha, chill, am there for you, don't dare step in parliament, you'll be out of a job faster than Cheeye, at least him he will keep writing his economic articles from a prison perspective, things like "how to survive the credit crunch of sugar, while in prison", u i don't have any other job for you"!
And that's how it goes!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Happy Hour!!
Marketers in Uganda have the easiest jobs! They don’t need to think much, like we architects, engineers, doctors and presidential advisors! All they have to do is sit and wait for the board to call them in to one of those million “brain storming” sessions to hammer out a new strategy to capture some more market share!
The marketer will just silently sit there for about 15 minutes, silently pondering, thinking about his ex-girlfriend’s ballistic legs for a while, then he will suddenly jump up, arms up in the air in joy, screaming “eureka!! eureka!! (not the chick, but the big idea), he will say “sirs, I have nailed it, we shall start a happy hour!”. The secretary of the meeting will be like “that’s it?? that’s all you’ve been thinking about all this time??”
And he’ll be like “I have the projections right here on my laptop! Sales will double, the profits will increase….and blah blah blah” all that other nonsense marketers jibber jabber on. Warid had it, the rarest of all, with a 12 hour happy hour! They should have reminded the creator of that gimmick, that it was actually “happy hours”!
The problem however started when Fat boyz and Just kicking introduced a “happy hour”, from 5pm to 7pm every weekday! Chaps from all walks of life usually storm the bar at 4.59 pm, neva mind they have to sign out of office at 5pm, then they buy beer by the crate, meanwhile the prices are at 2,500 shillings! But just the fact that they have called it “happy hour”, chaps will gladly buy until 7 pm when the price goes back to 3,000 shillings!
See how easy it is to fool Ugandans? Beers go for 2,500 on an average pricey day in an uptown bar like Kampala Rugby Club! So just say “happy hour” and you shall be stormed with chaps!
The “happy hour” theme is now going to be extended to areas we had never thought of before, like URA will tell all its chaps at Customs in Malaba, something like;
COMMUNIQUE
INTERNAL MEMO
To: All Section heads
Border Customs
Re: Introduction of happy hour
Please all note that every last Friday of the month, every car imported below 2000 cc shall pay taxes at half price, between 3pm and 4pm! Please advise all importers on the new changes!
Signed
Commisioner General
Cc: The Kampala traders association
“ The Kampala pick pockets association
“The presidential advisor on making dimes, and then some.
“Happy hour” has proven to be such a popular thing in Ug that we believe it was used in the scrapping of presidential term limits! The scenario was like;
“Ah, honourables, we have a crucial vote between 3pm and 4pm on the prez term limits bill, we in the ruling government have also scheduled it as our “happy hour”, those that come in and vote for our side, shall get an extra 5 million shillings on the spot! Only those that attend shall be rewarded!
We only hope Kony can give the army a happy hour, he should just send a communiqué saying;
“Alright fellaz, this cat and mouse thing has gone on too long, let me even make things easier for you, I shall be at Ri-kwagba from 5pm to 6 pm! I am giving you my happy hour, if u don’t catch me, those are yours! Al see u soon fellaz!
Apparently, therz “happy hour” right now at Zanzi! Am out, only 20 minutes left!!
The marketer will just silently sit there for about 15 minutes, silently pondering, thinking about his ex-girlfriend’s ballistic legs for a while, then he will suddenly jump up, arms up in the air in joy, screaming “eureka!! eureka!! (not the chick, but the big idea), he will say “sirs, I have nailed it, we shall start a happy hour!”. The secretary of the meeting will be like “that’s it?? that’s all you’ve been thinking about all this time??”
And he’ll be like “I have the projections right here on my laptop! Sales will double, the profits will increase….and blah blah blah” all that other nonsense marketers jibber jabber on. Warid had it, the rarest of all, with a 12 hour happy hour! They should have reminded the creator of that gimmick, that it was actually “happy hours”!
The problem however started when Fat boyz and Just kicking introduced a “happy hour”, from 5pm to 7pm every weekday! Chaps from all walks of life usually storm the bar at 4.59 pm, neva mind they have to sign out of office at 5pm, then they buy beer by the crate, meanwhile the prices are at 2,500 shillings! But just the fact that they have called it “happy hour”, chaps will gladly buy until 7 pm when the price goes back to 3,000 shillings!
See how easy it is to fool Ugandans? Beers go for 2,500 on an average pricey day in an uptown bar like Kampala Rugby Club! So just say “happy hour” and you shall be stormed with chaps!
The “happy hour” theme is now going to be extended to areas we had never thought of before, like URA will tell all its chaps at Customs in Malaba, something like;
COMMUNIQUE
INTERNAL MEMO
To: All Section heads
Border Customs
Re: Introduction of happy hour
Please all note that every last Friday of the month, every car imported below 2000 cc shall pay taxes at half price, between 3pm and 4pm! Please advise all importers on the new changes!
Signed
Commisioner General
Cc: The Kampala traders association
“ The Kampala pick pockets association
“The presidential advisor on making dimes, and then some.
“Happy hour” has proven to be such a popular thing in Ug that we believe it was used in the scrapping of presidential term limits! The scenario was like;
“Ah, honourables, we have a crucial vote between 3pm and 4pm on the prez term limits bill, we in the ruling government have also scheduled it as our “happy hour”, those that come in and vote for our side, shall get an extra 5 million shillings on the spot! Only those that attend shall be rewarded!
We only hope Kony can give the army a happy hour, he should just send a communiqué saying;
“Alright fellaz, this cat and mouse thing has gone on too long, let me even make things easier for you, I shall be at Ri-kwagba from 5pm to 6 pm! I am giving you my happy hour, if u don’t catch me, those are yours! Al see u soon fellaz!
Apparently, therz “happy hour” right now at Zanzi! Am out, only 20 minutes left!!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
A self help book!
From the Book of the seventh day absentist, the Gospel according to we!!
Thou shalt not kill………thineself!!!
During hard times, there are moments when you feel like swallowing a glass of sulphuric acid, assuming it actually takes you out of your misery! We wouldn’t waste time on that stuff, knowing full well that 1,000 crates of beer, drunk well, directly from the bottle for 1 year straight, would do the trick, only that the intermissions when u get sober will remind you of the sulphuric acid option, so just stay drunk!
We have been inundated with calls from religious chaps (they call themselves “men of the cloth”) asking us not to ever think of taking our own lives, because God is the only chap with the right to do so! Why God invented sulphuric acid, I don’t know! We naked people (“men not of the cloth”) have decided to ignore calls from our nemesises or nemes-ai (“of the cloth” chaps) and decided we are in control! Even that guy of “7 habits of highly crappy people” said that one of the best skills a manager must have, is the ability to take control of his emotions, his employees and his life! So if he feels like a pint, then a pint it is!!
However, no one is ever encouraged to take his own life! Did u give it to yourself? Ok, we know you were a result of some urges your parents couldn’t hold back, but did you ever think that there’s really an urge in doing that suicide stuffs? Ok, creating a human life is quite un-avoidable, unless you are Gay Archbishop Robinson, head of the Anglican Church, or proponent of the un-scientific theory that “like poles attract”! That’s why the north pole is up those ends, and the south pole directly opposite, coz you see, as poles, they don’t attract! 2 male poles, DON’T BLOODY ATTRACT!
So, when you fall into problems, there are several ways to ease the pain! We have discussed the 2 options that you shouldn’t even consider, and that’s pints and sulphuric acid! The rope isn’t any better, and neither is carbon monoxide. So what you have to do is, no, not to go to church, those guys will charge you tithe, yet the reason for the misery is money related, of course.
1 – Get in a relationship
No silly, not falling in love!! Relationships can be with what we in our profession call hobbies! U can get a penchant for feet, and just go around looking at women’s toes and just go “Say, that vanish makes your toes give me a tingle!!”, now u have a distraction, until your creator, who came to your parents in a vision now commonly referred to as a chow, remembers to taketh thou to wherever you are rushing to go! But you can also love a human being along the way, works sometimes.
2 – Get out of a relationship
Yes, leave her! Or leave him (That’s for the girls, and Archbishop Robinson). They say money is the cause of all problems, but coming a second close, and sometimes even beating money, is being in “love”! A partner can give you such a headache, that it constantly reminds you of sulphuric acid, mentioned above! In this case, even money doesn’t work, drowning oneself in pints simply worsens the crisis! In this case, you should go to Archbishop Robinson’s church, but make sure you remind him that this is strictly an ecumenical visit, that way he won’t ask you to “open up” to him, and confess your private fantasies!!
3 – Stay away from relationships
They are the ones that create the problems in the first place! Having something you like – a hobby – a human – a car – a dog and sometimes even a stapler, can be such a stress causing factor, especially when you get an ounce of feeling that this thingy you are relating with, has got as much a bit of a liking to something else, something we in our profession refer to as jealousy, that thought is simply an “on” button for that part of the brain that stores the pictures, downloads and text messages from sulphuric acid! However, it’s inconceivable for a human being to just live, just be there on their own stuffs without relating to someone / something! So this is a tall order!
Joseph Kony had a guitar and a wig to look to, whenever his troops were shelled, like the storms that keep hitting US coasts! Amama Mbabazi had his bank accounts to look to whenever MP’s grilled his ass for siphoning worker’s dimes! So who are you not to have something! Just fall for your shoes god-dammit, if things are that bad!
Chapter 2
How to get in a relationship
Alright, all you bu-little girls who saw the title of that chapter, and proceeded to pull up your bu-legs and grab a cup of tea with pop corn, mbu you want to read this chapter properly, am sorry you went through all that trouble! Please, put your shoes back on and remove your phone from silent, because this is the chapter where we go “dear agony aunt” on yo asses! (not the real asses, but you….what the heck, just understand!)
So anyway, like if you see that i-phone, the pink one girls, you just say “this is it!!! to hell with John, that punk was giving me sleepless night”, then lean over the counter, pick up that i-phone and exclaim “come here u, u look soooo sweeeet, its me n u foreverrrrrrrr!!!!!”.
But if you want, you can also get a chap! If u be on this stuff of “he should look like Denzel”, please call a doctor when u finally discover you are growing spider webs in areas that have been designated “Denzel-only” parking!! Coz yo shit will be tight!! That chap ain’t on yo shit!
Or to make it so easy, just write a letter to Agony aunt, every newspaper has one, and vent your frustrations to this chick, something like;
Dear Agony Aunt,
My name me I am called John, I live in Kyengera and I am 15 years old. Now, recently, me and my girlfriend have started having troubles, she says she is keeping herself for her husband, but me I am her husband, what can I do??
John, Kyengera:
Reply: Alright listen up you little teen punk!! We have wasted countless resources on fools like you, ok, just the resources that remained after I built that 5 storey house in Buziga, but still, the money was enough to sensitise little idiots like you who cant effectively use the other methods nature blessed you with to control yourself, you are a man right?? Ok now listen you little perv, you have 2 options, one is sulphuric acid, ok am playing! But I wouldn’t mind hearing that some chap called John in Kyengera chocked on the acid, although a simpler option would be to buy an i-phone! (ok, this is not an ad for i-phones, enuff) And who names their kid John?? That’s probably the most mis-used name EVER!! A toilet is called a John for Pete’s sake! Not for John’s sake, but Pete’s, and who is Pete? And you also know when you join a party late, the expression goes “he is a Johnny come lately”! Why do these chaps hate John?
Movin on…..
Actually, writing to agony Aunt has become such a waste of ink, and even fades the letters on the keyboard as we keep writing crap to this lousy chick, the most she will say is “if the problem persists, please go see a real doctor”! That lousy she-punk!!
Now, this relationship thingy, well it’s simple stuffs, if a 14 year old boy could hook up a 15 year old girl, and even sire a kid, who the hell are u not to! Its just that the standards we set are too high! So, if u are a guy, just walk out there and say “today, I am leaving with a prostitute!!”. Now, tha bar has been set so low, that u may actually meet some ki-stray bird seated at the bar, then u may take her! This nonsense of
Read, lots of books, coz these chaps who write self help books are making a killing helping chaps like you, although we are here to dispel those rumours they write! So if you are trying to hook up with a chick just for ma loves, as a male, please, I repeat, please, do NOT buy the “one minute manager”! If you are dating a big girl, big boned I must add, we are polite these days, we stopped saying fat, then please, can I repeat, please, do NOT buy “who moved my cheese”! And if you are dating a chick from a poor background, sijui because she has good manners, then please, please, do not walk around brandishing “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”!
However, in this self help thingy I read through sometime this week, dubbed “the secret”, these chaps make life look so simple. They claim, u just have to think about something, and then somehow the laws of attraction will bring it to you. Like if u want to be rich, the law of attraction will bring the riches your sides, however they NEVER explained exactly how you can get Tyra Banks in your living room, despite the crazy number of times your head tries to attract the 40 year old-but still ballistic one! Maybe TV lies, but what we know is what u see is what u want, probably till you finally attract her and take her home, only to find her so wrinkled, that you ask for a ki quick divorce, and write a book dubbed “the other secret”, that dwells on how to dis-attract 40 year old wrinkled chicks that still look good on tv!!
Chapter 3
How to talk to God
Of course u were trying to take your own life when we met, and u were still thinking of sulphuric acid as the main problem solver, however, a revolver, is a much better problem solver. So, here u are, stuck with the dilemma of the next step to take, now that you can’t take life anymore, so you go to church!
Of course they told you that you were in the presence of Jehovah the second you set foot in the sacred building, the one with funny windows that have so many colours, some with the image of a woman with a round thing on her head, we always excuse this bad art, in the simple fear of committing blasphemy! But that art is too weak!
So in a nutshell, this is the building you go to when faced with suicidal thoughts. The institution that runs these buildings, has been very good at bringing out the good side of humans, but it comes at a cost, and a lot of money - that cost is! The holy water however, is free, what a relief! But during the procedure of talking to “Gad”, a process called mass, or service, depending on which building you go to, a small basket is passed around to give offerings to “Gad”, this money is always exempt from tax, in every country, I hear u can’t touch his money!
In these buildings, there is always a small booth where a chap sits behind in a curtain of sorts, and connects his yahoo messenger to heaven, where “Gad” sits surrounded by angels! Mr depressed, who failed to get any help from Agony Aunt, usually finds solace in the confines of these funnily painted window buildings! He goes on to narrate his same story to the chap behind the curtain, this guy then connects to yahoo mail and starts typing the man’s problems, and some angel instantly replies, and asks the priest to upload the picture of the sinner to her facebook page, so she can see his profile, then send the number of ‘hail mary’s’ this suicidal little punk should recite before ‘close of business’ that day!
Having learnt that his sins have been forgiven, Mr Depressed will feel so uplifted, he will be too happy, he will walk over to the nearest bar, he will order a bottle of Johnny Walker to celebrate his new joy, he will swear that he now loves life, his new relationship is with Jesus, he will tell all his friends to go to church and see how nice it feels to be free, he will proceed to drink a 2 gallons of Johnny walker, which will affect his brains so adversely, that “Gad” shall take him away sooner, just when he had found a relationship! He shall be knocked down by a drunk driver, who was leaving the parking space. This brings us to the moral of the story……..who cares about the moral of the bloody thing, 20 minutes or so have just passed by, ain’t that good enuff??
(Even me I didn’t know the star of the story was going to die! It’s only Jack Bauer who survives any story)
Out!!
Friday, April 3, 2009
A novel!
After a long sojourn due to the credit crunch, a ka post has to be snack in before blogspot permanently erases this blog. So since i dint have new material, its for copying from my archives.
A novel!
One of the most annoying things an ardent book reader will ever go thru is getting tired of novels! They are so cliché! Fiction is one work of art that should be strictly left for the movies! This is a real life experience of reading a novel, with what goes on in the head in brackets! Here goes:
Atenyi was born on a cold night in her father’s hut (who gives a shit?), Her father was a Christian, and was one of the wealthiest people in his village (that means he had like a ka container where he sold local brew, aka ‘kwete’! According to rich dad poor bugger, this aint wealth! This chap needs stocks and shit!). She had only sisters, and no brother (ya, we figured that when u said ‘only sisters, punk!!)
Atenyi and her father would regularly sit outside their house, overlooking the Imamu hills, right across their home (ok,now we know the name of the hills, thanks so much, am sure if we didn’t, we would lose the story plot completely! Thanks author) Atenyi would sit on the little wooden stool, while her father preferred the cushioned iron wrought stool (like we care what they liked).
Atenyi’s grandfather, who was fondly known as Taata Apuuli, used to visit the village a lot (where the hell is this story going exactly, Denzel would have put down the script by now, leaving it to Diamond ensemble, or Ebonies, they would call this one Excrutiating Conundrum, Gutuujjo!!)
One Saturday, Taata Apuuli didn’t come by, and Atenyi was very annoyed (the chap was probably on a pint, Atenyi, be serious!) Her father tried to make her happy by singing some of her favourite songs (like, Lollipop, by Lil Wayne) The songs didn’t lift her spirits (she probably was thinking of her chap!) So her father decided to use anatha trick (Facebook??), he took her down to his shop so she could pick out what she wanted (We knew it!!! This shopping kabozi is started by fathers, damn u punks!! Meanwhile, this novel is too boring! Why cant he just get a laptop and give her facebook? Her chap was online!!)
So Atenyi scanned the shop shelves (Really? She didn’t know exactly where what she wanted was? Of course she scanned the bloody shelves! Silly author!) She couldn’t pick between the blue soap and the new perfumed white soap (this silly chick was looking for soap!! We were expecting cologne, or roll-on duo, to remove that stench of walking down all the way to the shop, from Imamu hills!) So she picked the white soap (Wench!) and asked the shop attendant to pack it (yeah, like she would have just walked out!)
When they returned home, there was a surprise for her (a bottle party?) it was her mother, back from the city, with presents (am guessing, the new harry potter series!) Atenyi run and hugged her mother (waste of space here) and both were very happy to see each other (now seriously, there should be age limits on these books, this is a little child’s book!)
Atenyi’s mother rushed back to the house to bring out the presents, that were packed in a box (???) and Atenyi hurried to open her present…………….
At this point, the reader has stopped putting words in brackets, and is sooooo pissed with this crap, that he decides to use this book to light a nearby charcoal stove, to make supper, as a surprise dinner for his daughter, who is sad because her favourite uncle didn’t come to visit!!
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