From the Book of the seventh day absentist, the Gospel according to we!!
Thou shalt not kill………thineself!!!
During hard times, there are moments when you feel like swallowing a glass of sulphuric acid, assuming it actually takes you out of your misery! We wouldn’t waste time on that stuff, knowing full well that 1,000 crates of beer, drunk well, directly from the bottle for 1 year straight, would do the trick, only that the intermissions when u get sober will remind you of the sulphuric acid option, so just stay drunk!
We have been inundated with calls from religious chaps (they call themselves “men of the cloth”) asking us not to ever think of taking our own lives, because God is the only chap with the right to do so! Why God invented sulphuric acid, I don’t know! We naked people (“men not of the cloth”) have decided to ignore calls from our nemesises or nemes-ai (“of the cloth” chaps) and decided we are in control! Even that guy of “7 habits of highly crappy people” said that one of the best skills a manager must have, is the ability to take control of his emotions, his employees and his life! So if he feels like a pint, then a pint it is!!
However, no one is ever encouraged to take his own life! Did u give it to yourself? Ok, we know you were a result of some urges your parents couldn’t hold back, but did you ever think that there’s really an urge in doing that suicide stuffs? Ok, creating a human life is quite un-avoidable, unless you are Gay Archbishop Robinson, head of the Anglican Church, or proponent of the un-scientific theory that “like poles attract”! That’s why the north pole is up those ends, and the south pole directly opposite, coz you see, as poles, they don’t attract! 2 male poles, DON’T BLOODY ATTRACT!
So, when you fall into problems, there are several ways to ease the pain! We have discussed the 2 options that you shouldn’t even consider, and that’s pints and sulphuric acid! The rope isn’t any better, and neither is carbon monoxide. So what you have to do is, no, not to go to church, those guys will charge you tithe, yet the reason for the misery is money related, of course.
1 – Get in a relationship
No silly, not falling in love!! Relationships can be with what we in our profession call hobbies! U can get a penchant for feet, and just go around looking at women’s toes and just go “Say, that vanish makes your toes give me a tingle!!”, now u have a distraction, until your creator, who came to your parents in a vision now commonly referred to as a chow, remembers to taketh thou to wherever you are rushing to go! But you can also love a human being along the way, works sometimes.
2 – Get out of a relationship
Yes, leave her! Or leave him (That’s for the girls, and Archbishop Robinson). They say money is the cause of all problems, but coming a second close, and sometimes even beating money, is being in “love”! A partner can give you such a headache, that it constantly reminds you of sulphuric acid, mentioned above! In this case, even money doesn’t work, drowning oneself in pints simply worsens the crisis! In this case, you should go to Archbishop Robinson’s church, but make sure you remind him that this is strictly an ecumenical visit, that way he won’t ask you to “open up” to him, and confess your private fantasies!!
3 – Stay away from relationships
They are the ones that create the problems in the first place! Having something you like – a hobby – a human – a car – a dog and sometimes even a stapler, can be such a stress causing factor, especially when you get an ounce of feeling that this thingy you are relating with, has got as much a bit of a liking to something else, something we in our profession refer to as jealousy, that thought is simply an “on” button for that part of the brain that stores the pictures, downloads and text messages from sulphuric acid! However, it’s inconceivable for a human being to just live, just be there on their own stuffs without relating to someone / something! So this is a tall order!
Joseph Kony had a guitar and a wig to look to, whenever his troops were shelled, like the storms that keep hitting US coasts! Amama Mbabazi had his bank accounts to look to whenever MP’s grilled his ass for siphoning worker’s dimes! So who are you not to have something! Just fall for your shoes god-dammit, if things are that bad!
Chapter 2
How to get in a relationship
Alright, all you bu-little girls who saw the title of that chapter, and proceeded to pull up your bu-legs and grab a cup of tea with pop corn, mbu you want to read this chapter properly, am sorry you went through all that trouble! Please, put your shoes back on and remove your phone from silent, because this is the chapter where we go “dear agony aunt” on yo asses! (not the real asses, but you….what the heck, just understand!)
So anyway, like if you see that i-phone, the pink one girls, you just say “this is it!!! to hell with John, that punk was giving me sleepless night”, then lean over the counter, pick up that i-phone and exclaim “come here u, u look soooo sweeeet, its me n u foreverrrrrrrr!!!!!”.
But if you want, you can also get a chap! If u be on this stuff of “he should look like Denzel”, please call a doctor when u finally discover you are growing spider webs in areas that have been designated “Denzel-only” parking!! Coz yo shit will be tight!! That chap ain’t on yo shit!
Or to make it so easy, just write a letter to Agony aunt, every newspaper has one, and vent your frustrations to this chick, something like;
Dear Agony Aunt,
My name me I am called John, I live in Kyengera and I am 15 years old. Now, recently, me and my girlfriend have started having troubles, she says she is keeping herself for her husband, but me I am her husband, what can I do??
John, Kyengera:
Reply: Alright listen up you little teen punk!! We have wasted countless resources on fools like you, ok, just the resources that remained after I built that 5 storey house in Buziga, but still, the money was enough to sensitise little idiots like you who cant effectively use the other methods nature blessed you with to control yourself, you are a man right?? Ok now listen you little perv, you have 2 options, one is sulphuric acid, ok am playing! But I wouldn’t mind hearing that some chap called John in Kyengera chocked on the acid, although a simpler option would be to buy an i-phone! (ok, this is not an ad for i-phones, enuff) And who names their kid John?? That’s probably the most mis-used name EVER!! A toilet is called a John for Pete’s sake! Not for John’s sake, but Pete’s, and who is Pete? And you also know when you join a party late, the expression goes “he is a Johnny come lately”! Why do these chaps hate John?
Movin on…..
Actually, writing to agony Aunt has become such a waste of ink, and even fades the letters on the keyboard as we keep writing crap to this lousy chick, the most she will say is “if the problem persists, please go see a real doctor”! That lousy she-punk!!
Now, this relationship thingy, well it’s simple stuffs, if a 14 year old boy could hook up a 15 year old girl, and even sire a kid, who the hell are u not to! Its just that the standards we set are too high! So, if u are a guy, just walk out there and say “today, I am leaving with a prostitute!!”. Now, tha bar has been set so low, that u may actually meet some ki-stray bird seated at the bar, then u may take her! This nonsense of
Read, lots of books, coz these chaps who write self help books are making a killing helping chaps like you, although we are here to dispel those rumours they write! So if you are trying to hook up with a chick just for ma loves, as a male, please, I repeat, please, do NOT buy the “one minute manager”! If you are dating a big girl, big boned I must add, we are polite these days, we stopped saying fat, then please, can I repeat, please, do NOT buy “who moved my cheese”! And if you are dating a chick from a poor background, sijui because she has good manners, then please, please, do not walk around brandishing “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”!
However, in this self help thingy I read through sometime this week, dubbed “the secret”, these chaps make life look so simple. They claim, u just have to think about something, and then somehow the laws of attraction will bring it to you. Like if u want to be rich, the law of attraction will bring the riches your sides, however they NEVER explained exactly how you can get Tyra Banks in your living room, despite the crazy number of times your head tries to attract the 40 year old-but still ballistic one! Maybe TV lies, but what we know is what u see is what u want, probably till you finally attract her and take her home, only to find her so wrinkled, that you ask for a ki quick divorce, and write a book dubbed “the other secret”, that dwells on how to dis-attract 40 year old wrinkled chicks that still look good on tv!!
Chapter 3
How to talk to God
Of course u were trying to take your own life when we met, and u were still thinking of sulphuric acid as the main problem solver, however, a revolver, is a much better problem solver. So, here u are, stuck with the dilemma of the next step to take, now that you can’t take life anymore, so you go to church!
Of course they told you that you were in the presence of Jehovah the second you set foot in the sacred building, the one with funny windows that have so many colours, some with the image of a woman with a round thing on her head, we always excuse this bad art, in the simple fear of committing blasphemy! But that art is too weak!
So in a nutshell, this is the building you go to when faced with suicidal thoughts. The institution that runs these buildings, has been very good at bringing out the good side of humans, but it comes at a cost, and a lot of money - that cost is! The holy water however, is free, what a relief! But during the procedure of talking to “Gad”, a process called mass, or service, depending on which building you go to, a small basket is passed around to give offerings to “Gad”, this money is always exempt from tax, in every country, I hear u can’t touch his money!
In these buildings, there is always a small booth where a chap sits behind in a curtain of sorts, and connects his yahoo messenger to heaven, where “Gad” sits surrounded by angels! Mr depressed, who failed to get any help from Agony Aunt, usually finds solace in the confines of these funnily painted window buildings! He goes on to narrate his same story to the chap behind the curtain, this guy then connects to yahoo mail and starts typing the man’s problems, and some angel instantly replies, and asks the priest to upload the picture of the sinner to her facebook page, so she can see his profile, then send the number of ‘hail mary’s’ this suicidal little punk should recite before ‘close of business’ that day!
Having learnt that his sins have been forgiven, Mr Depressed will feel so uplifted, he will be too happy, he will walk over to the nearest bar, he will order a bottle of Johnny Walker to celebrate his new joy, he will swear that he now loves life, his new relationship is with Jesus, he will tell all his friends to go to church and see how nice it feels to be free, he will proceed to drink a 2 gallons of Johnny walker, which will affect his brains so adversely, that “Gad” shall take him away sooner, just when he had found a relationship! He shall be knocked down by a drunk driver, who was leaving the parking space. This brings us to the moral of the story……..who cares about the moral of the bloody thing, 20 minutes or so have just passed by, ain’t that good enuff??
(Even me I didn’t know the star of the story was going to die! It’s only Jack Bauer who survives any story)
Out!!
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