NSSF employees should be arraigned and shot by firing squad!
What’s this “snitchin” stuff they have all resorted to after their former boss Jamwa was arrested like a locust in a shady pathway of the Ug-Kenya border? Let’s first dissect this!
Jamwa, young chap but big like a freakin elephant, about 40 years or so, climbed that “corporate” ladder faster than Muhoozi’s promotions in the army, and his dad was not even a Chairman Board of governors in MTN or any other large taxpayer, so we can say there was no outside influence involved in his corporate rise (the PGB guys can go ahead and assassinate me now, for character assassinating their boss, who is the boss’ son!)
Jamwa, whose brains seems to be as large as his body structure, started out his career as an accountant of sorts, telling blokes here and there how much dimes not to pay in taxes, and where to hide the receipts that URA shall be looking for, in case some bastard guy reports on the company, for that 10% commission for the “whistleblower”. These fellows are called “Certified Accountants”, coz they read some books then get to be called things like CPA and ACCA.
The “Big fella” than joined PWC, a bunch of posers whose head office is located in the land of colonialists and failed footballers, the UK! Jamwa then became the Head of Price Waterhouse Coopers in Tanzania before he was moved to the head office in the UK as a manager, some brilliant fucker this guy is!
He then returned to Ug, we don’t know why, but as a manager in PWC. How the hell do you move from the UK as manager and bring yo ass here also as manager? Maybe….just maybe…these corrupt punks had asked him to return and head NSSF, so they could chew dimes with him, probably by selling land to the fund that he shall be heading…u never know!
Anywho, the guy got the job as NSSF MD! What he overlooked, was that the 4 or so previous chaps that had held that ka business card with “NSSF MD” had been fired like the freakin Uganda Matyrs, most tasting jail and others fleeing to change old white men’s nappies in the US for a living!
The first couple of years at NSSF were characterized by press conferences, most of them announcing increases in the interest dimes workers would be earning, only if they beat that average life expectancy in Uganda of 47 years, and get to blow 55 hefty candles, enough to bake 3 small cakes!
The press conferences were a big issue to TV crews, coz Jamwa just could not fit into the cameras!! Most of his clips were just sound bites, accompanied by file videos of Jamwa strolling through NSSF’s building projects, shots that were taken from a floor high while he sauntered on the incopmlete concrete below!
Enter the perennial hyenas, the greedy bastards, the high rolling blood suckers and tax payer’s money self-appointed and sole authorised users, the politicians!! They needed dimes so badly they called this guy up;
“You Jamwa, u remember when u were rotting as a “mere” manager in PWC UK and we brought u back?? Do you?? Now, it’s time to return the favor! Now, we are sending our representative from our armed, no sorry, business wing of our operations, u will deal with him so we don’t get our asses fried. U will recognize him because his car has personalized number plates. He will sell to you land. First, you will refuse! You will tell him that the price is too low! Then he will return with a “revised” price, you will allow, then buy it!! Kapish!!!!”
“Yes my lords!!”
Before we knew it, someone who got ripped off in this mega deal, a member of NSSF, a greedy idiot who only sees “country” after his stomach, choking on ulcers, gets sour grapes, downloads shit to his flash disk and sends to all newspapers, just like the bastard that sent around the Zain snaps!
Now Jamwa is arrested…..just him!
Now hear this, his arrest has TOTALLY NOTHING to do with the land scandal, which was the reason he got suspended in the first place. It has to do with “causing financial loss to the company for the Lumumba Road building project”!
Now employees of the NSSF are all coming out talking shit. The Human Resource Manager, who has been at the NSSF for 22 years, testified that she had “never worked under such difficult conditions and pressure till Jamwa arrived”, the Procurement Officer said “he asked me never to question his methods of work, so I feared for my job!” and several other employees are also “coming out now!”, just talkin shit! What a bunch!
Well, what to do, money makes the world go round, but then again, the world is round, their turn will come!!
So much for brilliance…..so much for a rich work experience…..so much for an MBA, ACCA, CPA and all those other decorations!
Let’s just drink pints and be happy!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
You have been "Evaluated"
Office life is one weird place chaps should run away from as soon as they get the chance. First they make you wear embarrassing neck straps tattooed with the company logo a thousand times over, just to hold your ID, which you have to parade around, complete with your 4 names and Job title, “Corporate Accounts Executive”, which simply means “the guy who calls the client to tell him the balance on his account”, more like “customer attendant”, but no, they have to make it sound cool, to justify the silly pay!
A new “corporate” phenomenon has crept in slowly, named ISO standards. Any company that has to be “ISO Certified” has to undergo several bullshit procedures, which if introduced to the vendors in Kikuubo, would promptly reduce the nation’s tax collection amounts by half, coz this is a bunch of time wasting crap that should only be left to time wasters, like parliamentarians.
The employees, already disgusted (some) at being forced to parade their ID’s all over the place, are subjected to an “evaluation”, where they answer a series of un-necessary questions, and then get “evaluated” by the so called “experts” who then generate a report through their “evaluation monitoring software” from where they give “recommendations”. And just like “Pop Idol”, some recommendations are tooo ballistic, it’s either they love the “Idol’s” show or they are just too creative, e.g,
1 – If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean!
2 – He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them!
3 – This employee should go very far, and the sooner he starts, the better!
4 – The zoo must be missing a member!
5 – I would not allow this employee to breed!
6 – Works well while cornered like a rat!
7 – Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking!
8 – It would be to our advantage if the competitor stole him!
9 – A prime candidate for natural de-selection!
10 – Since my last evaluation, this employee has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig!
11 – His qualifications don’t endear him to our lowest paying job!
12 – When she opens her mouth, it seems it’s only to change the foot that was previously there!
13 – His empty brains explain the huge gap between the forecasts and the company’s actual achievements!
14 – Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking!
15 – If you give him a coin for his thoughts, you would get back change!
Corporate stuff!!!!
A new “corporate” phenomenon has crept in slowly, named ISO standards. Any company that has to be “ISO Certified” has to undergo several bullshit procedures, which if introduced to the vendors in Kikuubo, would promptly reduce the nation’s tax collection amounts by half, coz this is a bunch of time wasting crap that should only be left to time wasters, like parliamentarians.
The employees, already disgusted (some) at being forced to parade their ID’s all over the place, are subjected to an “evaluation”, where they answer a series of un-necessary questions, and then get “evaluated” by the so called “experts” who then generate a report through their “evaluation monitoring software” from where they give “recommendations”. And just like “Pop Idol”, some recommendations are tooo ballistic, it’s either they love the “Idol’s” show or they are just too creative, e.g,
1 – If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean!
2 – He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them!
3 – This employee should go very far, and the sooner he starts, the better!
4 – The zoo must be missing a member!
5 – I would not allow this employee to breed!
6 – Works well while cornered like a rat!
7 – Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking!
8 – It would be to our advantage if the competitor stole him!
9 – A prime candidate for natural de-selection!
10 – Since my last evaluation, this employee has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig!
11 – His qualifications don’t endear him to our lowest paying job!
12 – When she opens her mouth, it seems it’s only to change the foot that was previously there!
13 – His empty brains explain the huge gap between the forecasts and the company’s actual achievements!
14 – Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking!
15 – If you give him a coin for his thoughts, you would get back change!
Corporate stuff!!!!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Satan's agents - Marketers!!
Marketers – an evil bunch that should do the world a favor and overdose themselves with rat poison!! What a bunch!!
These evil pranksters are on the prowl 24 hours a day trying to trick you into giving their company a profit, and they get paid a silly and rather miserly 10% commissions for each sale “closed”.
The bastards have infested all institutions and have FULL departments ranging from Bank of Uganda to even the Civil Aviation Authority! Why does the CAA have a marketing department? We have 1 freakin airport!! And it’s empty half the time! Who are they convincing to land there?
This rant (aren’t they all) has been provoked by the phone call I received, Wednesday!
“Toooot…..tooooot….”
“elo”
“Hello Sir, goodmorning, am I speaking to (that bastard guy!!)”
“Oh yes you are…..and this is?”
“Well, my name is Albert, am calling from(insert any of those fool's name here) bank, first of all ad like to express my greatest appreciation that you have chosen us. However, I’d like to let you know that we have several bank products designed specially for you that I would like to bring you to the know about…”
“a huh…do tell….do tell..”
“very well sir, I see here in your account that you receive a fixed amount every end of the month. Did you know that we at (insert the idiot’s bank name here again) can give you a personal loan of up to 10 times this money you are earning, and you are allowed to pay it back in a period of up to 10 years……no strings attached?”
“really, not even 27% interest rate which doubles to 54% per day of the month that you miss out in payment? How about that letter from my employer that says all my benefits go to you the second I get fired! How about that 7% “insurance fee” you deduct from my account to make that “loan” safely risk-free from you in case shit happens to me? You freakin’ wanker!!!! Piss off now, before I spoil the rest of your miserable day!”
What’s the deal with marketers? These guys have now started “consultancies” and are advising every existing business how they need a marketing department to do “marketing strategies”, “market segmentation research”, “demographic pattern of possible buyers”, “price discrimination policy implementation forecasts”…..bitch, you are selling milk!! What’s with all the big words?
Does everything have to have a price? Even getting directions from SMS media costs you 200 bucks!
The clowns at UBL, just before they all come out posing in their bu Mitsubishi pick ups, spend entrie Monday mornings in “brain storming sessions” on how to “capture market share” and their powerpoint presentations show “various sales trends”.
All that these monkeys need to do is avail a cold pint at every corner, and we shall buy 'em! There is no magic to it! No powerpoint presentation will make us buy warm beers. And oh, make the price reasonably cheap, don’t stress your ass out with “projections”!
These beer guys are complicating life for all of us, fighting over the shape of a bottle! How about you fight over the quality of the beer? Alcoholic punks!!
The airtime fellas are the worst! It seems they have a department that grills them on “arrogance and self-aggrandisement”…..something like;
“boys, before you go out there to sell these products, remember you represent a global organization. Anything you say, do or imply, will reflect on the company image, so please, walk around like everyone else is beneath you, coz, truth be told, they are!!! You are the one in a Ford Icon, who the hell are they? Just make sure they buy our products…kapish!!!”
Selfish bastards!!
Out - for a cold pint!!
Any offended marketer should simply buy me a pint - and airtime!
These evil pranksters are on the prowl 24 hours a day trying to trick you into giving their company a profit, and they get paid a silly and rather miserly 10% commissions for each sale “closed”.
The bastards have infested all institutions and have FULL departments ranging from Bank of Uganda to even the Civil Aviation Authority! Why does the CAA have a marketing department? We have 1 freakin airport!! And it’s empty half the time! Who are they convincing to land there?
This rant (aren’t they all) has been provoked by the phone call I received, Wednesday!
“Toooot…..tooooot….”
“elo”
“Hello Sir, goodmorning, am I speaking to (that bastard guy!!)”
“Oh yes you are…..and this is?”
“Well, my name is Albert, am calling from(insert any of those fool's name here) bank, first of all ad like to express my greatest appreciation that you have chosen us. However, I’d like to let you know that we have several bank products designed specially for you that I would like to bring you to the know about…”
“a huh…do tell….do tell..”
“very well sir, I see here in your account that you receive a fixed amount every end of the month. Did you know that we at (insert the idiot’s bank name here again) can give you a personal loan of up to 10 times this money you are earning, and you are allowed to pay it back in a period of up to 10 years……no strings attached?”
“really, not even 27% interest rate which doubles to 54% per day of the month that you miss out in payment? How about that letter from my employer that says all my benefits go to you the second I get fired! How about that 7% “insurance fee” you deduct from my account to make that “loan” safely risk-free from you in case shit happens to me? You freakin’ wanker!!!! Piss off now, before I spoil the rest of your miserable day!”
What’s the deal with marketers? These guys have now started “consultancies” and are advising every existing business how they need a marketing department to do “marketing strategies”, “market segmentation research”, “demographic pattern of possible buyers”, “price discrimination policy implementation forecasts”…..bitch, you are selling milk!! What’s with all the big words?
Does everything have to have a price? Even getting directions from SMS media costs you 200 bucks!
The clowns at UBL, just before they all come out posing in their bu Mitsubishi pick ups, spend entrie Monday mornings in “brain storming sessions” on how to “capture market share” and their powerpoint presentations show “various sales trends”.
All that these monkeys need to do is avail a cold pint at every corner, and we shall buy 'em! There is no magic to it! No powerpoint presentation will make us buy warm beers. And oh, make the price reasonably cheap, don’t stress your ass out with “projections”!
These beer guys are complicating life for all of us, fighting over the shape of a bottle! How about you fight over the quality of the beer? Alcoholic punks!!
The airtime fellas are the worst! It seems they have a department that grills them on “arrogance and self-aggrandisement”…..something like;
“boys, before you go out there to sell these products, remember you represent a global organization. Anything you say, do or imply, will reflect on the company image, so please, walk around like everyone else is beneath you, coz, truth be told, they are!!! You are the one in a Ford Icon, who the hell are they? Just make sure they buy our products…kapish!!!”
Selfish bastards!!
Out - for a cold pint!!
Any offended marketer should simply buy me a pint - and airtime!
A lesson in Patriotism!!
There’s something called the “propaganda” machine, like the Media Center, chaps responsible for “self-promotion of the ruling class” and other such stuff. The Ofwono Opondos of this world, that look at stuff the way they want their bosses to see it, the chaps that “lick ass”, as the corporate would say.
The hardest chap to exemplify this “state machinery” is non other than Mohamed al Sahaf a.k.a “comical Ali” who was responsible for media clips during the 2003 US invasion of Iraq, and these are quotes from Al Jazeera….too hard!!
"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all"
"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"
"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!"
"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."
"They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks."
"The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies."
"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."
"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."
Britain "is not worth an old shoe"
"blood-sucking bastards"
"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."
"We are in control.I think they will not win, those bastards."
"The British forces which were dropped there have been eliminated mostly on the battlefield, except for those who fled ... It is a complete defeat ... Amazingly the Americans have pushed the British to do that. They pushed them ahead as if it is an experiment. The result was very tragic for the British."
“We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead”
"I speak better English than this villain Bush"
"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying"
"We will kill them all........most of them."
"They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces."
"That bastard the American Minister of Defense Rumsfeld, and I won't say shamelessly, because they don't know what shame means. These are criminals. The whole word can hear the warning sirens. This criminal sitting in the White House is a pathetic criminal and his Defense Minister deserves to be beaten. These criminals lie to the world because they are criminals by nature and conditioning. They consider this a military site! Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the American people in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you!"
"they are nowhere near the airport ..they are lost in the desert...they can not read a compass...they are retarded."
"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."
"Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly."
"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."
"On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed vehicles. The operation continues"
"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."
"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."
"Today I have visited whole Baghdad city, no invaders found. You go and see how we have ousted them from this city. They are cying outside and waiting to receive bullets. They will be killed shortly."
"The situation is excellent, they are going to try to approach Baghdad...and I believe their grave will be there."
"Yes, the american troops have advanced further. This will only make it easier for us to defeat them"
"Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any longer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river."
"Blair...is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."
"They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this."
"We will slaughter them, Bush Jr. and his international gang of bastards!"
"the louts of colonialism."
"The forces of American colonialism began to drop containers that produce a sound explosion, a very huge sound. I remind you that they said that their strategy is based on shock and awe. Those failed ones manufactured a type of container that has an explosive substance, which they drop. They cause a very huge explosion in terms of sound, as if the universe was shaken. After a while, you go out and you don't find anything. You find some nails, screws, pieces of metal, but the important thing here is the sound. Those failed ones think that through the huge sound explosion, people would be shocked and consequently would collapse and be defeated. What happened? The contrary. The fighters..., the masses..., and the heroic sons of the Iraqi tribes discovered this game. They will turn it against the American louts so as to shock them. Wait for surprises, God willing, to see how the US game will fail."
"The shock has backfired on them. They are shocked because of what they have seen. No one received them with roses. They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets. Now, the game has been exposed. Awe will backfire on them. This is the boa snake. We will extend it further and cut it the appropriate way."
"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."
"As for the mercenaries who advanced to the perimeters of Saddam International Airport, I would like to remind you of something. I will mention something that will make the picture clear for you and help you to understand what took place at Saddam International Airport. Most of you probably saw the American movie "Wag the Dog". I hope you remember it. Some of their acts that took place at dawn yesterday and today are similar to what happened in "Wag the Dog". If we succeed in keeping them isolated on that island, and we are determined to do so, we might let them taste a second mini Dien Bien Phu tonight. The European journalists remember it well. Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly. They are completely surrounded now. This morning, the number of armoured personnel carriers that were destroyed, along with their occupants, is eight. The number of the tanks destroyed is 11."
"I think the British nation has never been faced with a tragedy like this fellow Blair."
"The United Nations....[is] a place for prostitution under the feet of Americans."
"the insane little dwarf Bush"
"The midget Bush and that Rumsfield deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere."
"Rumsfeld, he needs to be hit on the head"
"Bush doesn't even know if Spain is a republic or a kingdom, how can they follow this man?"
"After we finish defeating all of those animals we will disclose that with facts and figures."
"Bush, Blair and Rumsfeld. They are the funny trio"
"We have shot down 2 Apache helicopters. Have the Americans said yet that they were shot down by their - what do they call it - friendly fire? No? Well... [dramatic pause, then smiles] ...not yet!"
"Even those who live on another planet, if there are such people, would have condemned this action before it started"
Rumsfeld is "the worst kind of bastard"
"They will try to enter Baghdad, and I think this is where their graveyard will be."
"we managed to chop off their rotten heads"
And that was just the Iraqi war:
The hardest chap to exemplify this “state machinery” is non other than Mohamed al Sahaf a.k.a “comical Ali” who was responsible for media clips during the 2003 US invasion of Iraq, and these are quotes from Al Jazeera….too hard!!
"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all"
"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"
"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!"
"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."
"They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks."
"The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies."
"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."
"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - We have driven them back."
Britain "is not worth an old shoe"
"blood-sucking bastards"
"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."
"We are in control.I think they will not win, those bastards."
"The British forces which were dropped there have been eliminated mostly on the battlefield, except for those who fled ... It is a complete defeat ... Amazingly the Americans have pushed the British to do that. They pushed them ahead as if it is an experiment. The result was very tragic for the British."
“We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead”
"I speak better English than this villain Bush"
"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying"
"We will kill them all........most of them."
"They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces."
"That bastard the American Minister of Defense Rumsfeld, and I won't say shamelessly, because they don't know what shame means. These are criminals. The whole word can hear the warning sirens. This criminal sitting in the White House is a pathetic criminal and his Defense Minister deserves to be beaten. These criminals lie to the world because they are criminals by nature and conditioning. They consider this a military site! Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the American people in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you!"
"they are nowhere near the airport ..they are lost in the desert...they can not read a compass...they are retarded."
"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."
"Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly."
"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."
"On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed vehicles. The operation continues"
"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."
"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."
"Today I have visited whole Baghdad city, no invaders found. You go and see how we have ousted them from this city. They are cying outside and waiting to receive bullets. They will be killed shortly."
"The situation is excellent, they are going to try to approach Baghdad...and I believe their grave will be there."
"Yes, the american troops have advanced further. This will only make it easier for us to defeat them"
"Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any longer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river."
"Blair...is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."
"They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this."
"We will slaughter them, Bush Jr. and his international gang of bastards!"
"the louts of colonialism."
"The forces of American colonialism began to drop containers that produce a sound explosion, a very huge sound. I remind you that they said that their strategy is based on shock and awe. Those failed ones manufactured a type of container that has an explosive substance, which they drop. They cause a very huge explosion in terms of sound, as if the universe was shaken. After a while, you go out and you don't find anything. You find some nails, screws, pieces of metal, but the important thing here is the sound. Those failed ones think that through the huge sound explosion, people would be shocked and consequently would collapse and be defeated. What happened? The contrary. The fighters..., the masses..., and the heroic sons of the Iraqi tribes discovered this game. They will turn it against the American louts so as to shock them. Wait for surprises, God willing, to see how the US game will fail."
"The shock has backfired on them. They are shocked because of what they have seen. No one received them with roses. They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets. Now, the game has been exposed. Awe will backfire on them. This is the boa snake. We will extend it further and cut it the appropriate way."
"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."
"As for the mercenaries who advanced to the perimeters of Saddam International Airport, I would like to remind you of something. I will mention something that will make the picture clear for you and help you to understand what took place at Saddam International Airport. Most of you probably saw the American movie "Wag the Dog". I hope you remember it. Some of their acts that took place at dawn yesterday and today are similar to what happened in "Wag the Dog". If we succeed in keeping them isolated on that island, and we are determined to do so, we might let them taste a second mini Dien Bien Phu tonight. The European journalists remember it well. Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly. They are completely surrounded now. This morning, the number of armoured personnel carriers that were destroyed, along with their occupants, is eight. The number of the tanks destroyed is 11."
"I think the British nation has never been faced with a tragedy like this fellow Blair."
"The United Nations....[is] a place for prostitution under the feet of Americans."
"the insane little dwarf Bush"
"The midget Bush and that Rumsfield deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere."
"Rumsfeld, he needs to be hit on the head"
"Bush doesn't even know if Spain is a republic or a kingdom, how can they follow this man?"
"After we finish defeating all of those animals we will disclose that with facts and figures."
"Bush, Blair and Rumsfeld. They are the funny trio"
"We have shot down 2 Apache helicopters. Have the Americans said yet that they were shot down by their - what do they call it - friendly fire? No? Well... [dramatic pause, then smiles] ...not yet!"
"Even those who live on another planet, if there are such people, would have condemned this action before it started"
Rumsfeld is "the worst kind of bastard"
"They will try to enter Baghdad, and I think this is where their graveyard will be."
"we managed to chop off their rotten heads"
And that was just the Iraqi war:
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The moral of this story is........
Morals: Concerned with principles of right and wrong or conforming to standards of behavior and character based on those principles. (according to this chap Therasus)
Several boring stories are often told, then just when u think the story is starting to get somewhere, the story teller goes “so, the moral of the story is….” Then he goes ahead to tell u some bullshit that doesn’t really make much sense, at least from your point of view. I had totally forgotten this stuff till I got to re-watch the Stallone movie “Assasin”, and he told the main chick of the movie this story;
“Once upon a time (all moral stories start like that, except humpty “stupid” dumpty that just fell off a wall), there was a robin, a small bird known for it’s singing abilities, that lived way up there in the world, north pole. This little songstress was flying down south coz the winter stuff was getting crazier by the day, and since birds didn’t have the weather channel to warn them to leave early, the little bird had left late.
As the robin tried to make a large distance southwards, the cold quickly caught up with it (too bad for small wings) and the snow froze the little thing. A Falcon, a way larger bird that was also en-route South, on it’s way above this little bird, “shat” on the little bird. The shit from the falcon provided warmth for the robin, melting away the ice that had entrapped the bird, it became too happy and started singing, as usual.
The sounds of a singing bird attracted a fox that was straying nearby, prompting it to approach the sounds, and licked the shit off the erstwhile frozen bird. On realizing it was a live bird, the fox ate the damn robin!!
The moral of the story is;
• Not everyone that puts you in shit has bad intentions for you.
• Not everyone that gets you out of shit has good intentions for you.
• When you are in shit…..keep yo damn mouth shut!!!
See, that’s how story tellers mess us up, coz now you must have thought the robin was going to get into some adventures with the fox or something, but no, it’s just a moral!
The winner moral story however is that which is being used by some financial company to make you pay them. See, in this story, Bob has just gotten onto the shower, his wife has just finished her morning shower, so she is masquerading around in her towel, then the door bell rings.
Bob’s wife goes and opens the door and there is Tim, their neighbor. Tim tells Bob’s wife he is willing to pay her 200 dollars if she drops her towel.
She promptly does!
After his “optical nutrition”, Tim gives her 200 dollars. She returns upstairs, and Bob is like
“Who was that”, she says “oh, it was tim”, then Bob goes “great…..did he say anything about the 200 dollars he owes me???”
Moral of the story;
If you share critical information pertaining to risk and credit with all stakeholders in time, you may be in position to prevent avoidable exposure!! (call NSC ltd, Financial Services at your finger tips)
Kumbe I was expecting Bob to go kick Tim’s ass, but it’s just another of those moral stories.
The moral of this story therefore is, if you don’t have a story to tell, just tell stories with morals, then u will have told your own story in tricks!!
Several boring stories are often told, then just when u think the story is starting to get somewhere, the story teller goes “so, the moral of the story is….” Then he goes ahead to tell u some bullshit that doesn’t really make much sense, at least from your point of view. I had totally forgotten this stuff till I got to re-watch the Stallone movie “Assasin”, and he told the main chick of the movie this story;
“Once upon a time (all moral stories start like that, except humpty “stupid” dumpty that just fell off a wall), there was a robin, a small bird known for it’s singing abilities, that lived way up there in the world, north pole. This little songstress was flying down south coz the winter stuff was getting crazier by the day, and since birds didn’t have the weather channel to warn them to leave early, the little bird had left late.
As the robin tried to make a large distance southwards, the cold quickly caught up with it (too bad for small wings) and the snow froze the little thing. A Falcon, a way larger bird that was also en-route South, on it’s way above this little bird, “shat” on the little bird. The shit from the falcon provided warmth for the robin, melting away the ice that had entrapped the bird, it became too happy and started singing, as usual.
The sounds of a singing bird attracted a fox that was straying nearby, prompting it to approach the sounds, and licked the shit off the erstwhile frozen bird. On realizing it was a live bird, the fox ate the damn robin!!
The moral of the story is;
• Not everyone that puts you in shit has bad intentions for you.
• Not everyone that gets you out of shit has good intentions for you.
• When you are in shit…..keep yo damn mouth shut!!!
See, that’s how story tellers mess us up, coz now you must have thought the robin was going to get into some adventures with the fox or something, but no, it’s just a moral!
The winner moral story however is that which is being used by some financial company to make you pay them. See, in this story, Bob has just gotten onto the shower, his wife has just finished her morning shower, so she is masquerading around in her towel, then the door bell rings.
Bob’s wife goes and opens the door and there is Tim, their neighbor. Tim tells Bob’s wife he is willing to pay her 200 dollars if she drops her towel.
She promptly does!
After his “optical nutrition”, Tim gives her 200 dollars. She returns upstairs, and Bob is like
“Who was that”, she says “oh, it was tim”, then Bob goes “great…..did he say anything about the 200 dollars he owes me???”
Moral of the story;
If you share critical information pertaining to risk and credit with all stakeholders in time, you may be in position to prevent avoidable exposure!! (call NSC ltd, Financial Services at your finger tips)
Kumbe I was expecting Bob to go kick Tim’s ass, but it’s just another of those moral stories.
The moral of this story therefore is, if you don’t have a story to tell, just tell stories with morals, then u will have told your own story in tricks!!
Banking Simplified!!
Chicks are known to NEVER be in a hurry. U be there going to a wedding mass/service/prayer stuffs, u be all suited up, but the chick is still in the shower, ensuring you get to church late! This phenomenon has been studied, not necessarily by some professor, but by we the ordinary person, and a case study of the ATM machines is one strong case in point.
A certain bank, in it’s usual bid to come up with a first, had the following proposals considered so that it’s male customers spend less time at the ATM machines (and it’s definitely not Crane Bank, those guys that have been “banker of the year” for 8 straight years, apparently according to some “financial” magazine in the UK, heck, it could be the “African Woman” of some district in Scotland!)
The bank is going to introduce “drive-in ATM’s”. The innovator of this new system is trying to copy the technology used at the airport, where the driver presses a button and retrieves a ticket, all this while still in the car. However, because of the delays mentioned above by chicks, there shall be, for a start, 2 sets of rules at the stand-alone ATM machines, with the following rules:
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up to the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write amount withdrawn on that paper with “shopping list”.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 meters.
27. Release Parking Brake.
28. Head to Nakumatt!!
A certain bank, in it’s usual bid to come up with a first, had the following proposals considered so that it’s male customers spend less time at the ATM machines (and it’s definitely not Crane Bank, those guys that have been “banker of the year” for 8 straight years, apparently according to some “financial” magazine in the UK, heck, it could be the “African Woman” of some district in Scotland!)
The bank is going to introduce “drive-in ATM’s”. The innovator of this new system is trying to copy the technology used at the airport, where the driver presses a button and retrieves a ticket, all this while still in the car. However, because of the delays mentioned above by chicks, there shall be, for a start, 2 sets of rules at the stand-alone ATM machines, with the following rules:
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up to the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write amount withdrawn on that paper with “shopping list”.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 meters.
27. Release Parking Brake.
28. Head to Nakumatt!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
That Dream Job!!
After ranting about God and his crew, I felt weird leaving it at that. You see, there’s a spiritual concept that passes on from one person to another. So if u are into “rant” mode, the next person catches it, like a bad flu!
So in order for that not to happen, let’s get back to normal programming, and we are still on jobs!
Today is a Monday, and the gluttons at the New Vision shall be advertising “600 jobs inside”, kumbe 400 of them are in “Mayuge District Commision”, and they be looking for clerks and shamba boys. But what if, just what if, you could get the best jobs in the world through the papers! Here’s what the job section would be like:
1 – Golfers wanted - Must be at the golf course at 9 in the morning. Must be able to hit ball straight into the main road and the bushes at the course. Must be able to drink at least 2 beers after a game. Pay is 300,000 a week! Winning not really necessary.
2 – Roadwork crews needed for an established road repair and construction company with a big experience in road jobs. Must have knowledge of doing a very shoddy job, but easily recognizable by road inspection engineers as certifiable, willing to always return to do pot hole filling every month or so, so as to spend as much tax payer’s money as possible. Salary depends on how badly the job is done well!
3 – Radio callers wanted: Do you want to call Fat Boy and Seanice and tell them how your boyfriend chucked you and you need advice from the listeners? Do you want to call Radio One’s spectrum and make noise about the government? Please, stop using your airtime now, we have the job just for you. All you need to do is drop by office, pick your talk time number and keep calling all day! Salaries commensurate with number of calls!
4 – MP’s wanted: Willing to accept no less than 5 million shillings per vote on a bill. Willing to live with at least 5 girlfriends, 2 of them below 19 years, and students of a university. Willing to keep original wife, only to be paraded at social functions and campaigns. Can be MP for as long as possible……and oh, willing to spend “working hours” napping away at the parliament chambers while business goes on. Strictly be awake during major votes! (you can also doze off during a presidential state of nation address)
5 – Socialite wanted: Willing to marry a wrinkled white man and change name to “Heard”! Ability to come up with creative names for personalized number plates for the various cars you shall be driving is as if important. Ability to drink every night is very crucial. Ability to be smart, in terms of intelligence, not necessary!
6 – Janja weeds – Must have a compilation of Bobi Swine’s music. Must be able to determine which nun’s gardens have the “ganja” plant thriving alongside the sweet potatoes. Ability to translate Bobi Swine’s Jamaican attempts to English a big bonus! Salary shall be paid in leaves (smokable).
7 – Boss required: Must be able to show up at work, very late. Must be able to fuck up everyone’s day, heck, their entire careers! Must be pompous, Budo fellas encouraged! Must be a wise ass, quoting several big authors, especially Napoleon Hill. Must spend half the day on Facebook and the English Premiership websites. And crucially, must ask for the day’s reports “yesterday!!”
Now, let’s start applying!
So in order for that not to happen, let’s get back to normal programming, and we are still on jobs!
Today is a Monday, and the gluttons at the New Vision shall be advertising “600 jobs inside”, kumbe 400 of them are in “Mayuge District Commision”, and they be looking for clerks and shamba boys. But what if, just what if, you could get the best jobs in the world through the papers! Here’s what the job section would be like:
1 – Golfers wanted - Must be at the golf course at 9 in the morning. Must be able to hit ball straight into the main road and the bushes at the course. Must be able to drink at least 2 beers after a game. Pay is 300,000 a week! Winning not really necessary.
2 – Roadwork crews needed for an established road repair and construction company with a big experience in road jobs. Must have knowledge of doing a very shoddy job, but easily recognizable by road inspection engineers as certifiable, willing to always return to do pot hole filling every month or so, so as to spend as much tax payer’s money as possible. Salary depends on how badly the job is done well!
3 – Radio callers wanted: Do you want to call Fat Boy and Seanice and tell them how your boyfriend chucked you and you need advice from the listeners? Do you want to call Radio One’s spectrum and make noise about the government? Please, stop using your airtime now, we have the job just for you. All you need to do is drop by office, pick your talk time number and keep calling all day! Salaries commensurate with number of calls!
4 – MP’s wanted: Willing to accept no less than 5 million shillings per vote on a bill. Willing to live with at least 5 girlfriends, 2 of them below 19 years, and students of a university. Willing to keep original wife, only to be paraded at social functions and campaigns. Can be MP for as long as possible……and oh, willing to spend “working hours” napping away at the parliament chambers while business goes on. Strictly be awake during major votes! (you can also doze off during a presidential state of nation address)
5 – Socialite wanted: Willing to marry a wrinkled white man and change name to “Heard”! Ability to come up with creative names for personalized number plates for the various cars you shall be driving is as if important. Ability to drink every night is very crucial. Ability to be smart, in terms of intelligence, not necessary!
6 – Janja weeds – Must have a compilation of Bobi Swine’s music. Must be able to determine which nun’s gardens have the “ganja” plant thriving alongside the sweet potatoes. Ability to translate Bobi Swine’s Jamaican attempts to English a big bonus! Salary shall be paid in leaves (smokable).
7 – Boss required: Must be able to show up at work, very late. Must be able to fuck up everyone’s day, heck, their entire careers! Must be pompous, Budo fellas encouraged! Must be a wise ass, quoting several big authors, especially Napoleon Hill. Must spend half the day on Facebook and the English Premiership websites. And crucially, must ask for the day’s reports “yesterday!!”
Now, let’s start applying!
A Tirade at Religion!!
It’s official, we need divine intervention to save the country! Matter of fact, we should just end all this shit by voting God to lead us from 2011, that’s election time!
A national day of prayer was held yesterday at the Kololo airstrip. Thousands of worshippers showed up, and prayers were led by the big guns from all religions, the army, police, URA, judiciary, media and the Big man Kagu him-u-selef!
The Prez said “immoral acts such as human sacrifice, sexual perversion, bribery, witchcraft and corruption have eaten into society, and these acts have not pleased God. We therefore run the risk of losing out on God’s blessings if we choose to continue disobeying Him”.
This God thing is being taken too seriously. For example, one of the religious guys was like “God, warrupp!!! I know this is the 7th day and u are resting, u see, av checked your schedule…..but Gad, we have HIV, corruption and many other things killing us here…please come and save us…!”
What’s wrong with these quasi-religious lumpens? God sent condoms, abstinence, nude pictures for wankers and ARV’s, use them bitches! He also sent an in-built conscience to every living human being to curb things like corruption, by making us feel super guilty when we steal dimes!
These same religious goons and at the same time the largest hypocrites of all time, going by superfluous titles like “arch deacon” and “the right reverend” or “the holy freakin see” are the very same bastards that erode these guilt feelings by offering “confession” to anyone that feels has wronged someone else! They then go ahead to tell people how “God is all merciful and forgiving, go say 3 Hail Mary’s and 4 Our Fathers and you are forgiven”, they then go ahead and call you stuff like “my son”!
These stupidly small punishments mean that the thieving son of a bitch will have all his bad feelings erased from his conscience within a couple of minutes, then he will return back to that “road project fund”, steal more dimes then confess again after that!
The same “dress-wearing and large hat-donning” punks will then go to their congregations and proclaim how “condoms were made by the devil, they have holes in them that transfer evil from one person to the next” and the Cardinal guy is telling chaps to burn all pills that help with family planning, coz “God wants us to have as many children as we can”, then the same idiots start praying for divine assistance with un-employment and poverty!! How about you just let people have a manageable number of kids!!! Silly religious punks!!
How about you cut off the thieving bastard’s stealing fingers? This is how Iran and China developed, at least! They are not praying to Allah, they are doing what Allah told them to do! Although unfortunately sometimes they go way beyond the necessary, by for example sentencing chicks to the brutal punishment of “gang rape” for walking in the streets un-veiled!
The silly minister for ethics, a former UPC minister in the 80’s when Ugandans were being killed like roaches in a kitchen cupboard in the Bugolobi flats, went ahead and asked all corrupt ministers to repent for their sins and start a new! How about they arrest these idiots instead?
Religion is crap!! Human’s belief in some non-existent being that will help us is just misleading and bogus! We have been equipped with all the tools necessary to live a harmonious life, with feelings of guilt to check us when we are wrong. Some humans however have no conscience and will murder, pillage and rape at will with no remorse, and that’s why we have prisons and courts of law. But praying to God for guidance, now that’s bullshit!
Man created God, in his own image! God is the nice side of life. Man also created the devil, which is the guilty conscience side of life. Heaven is that part of life where everything is going so well, nice job, nice family and crap like that, whereas hell is the bad times we go through, unemployment, rioters messing up yo usual existence and silly opportunists like that idiot at work that keeps reporting you to the boss.
As a seventh day absentist therefore, I would wish for a world where people stop being hypocrites, stop being greedy, trying to put personalized plates on their cars to pose on us, which causes others to rob from the rest, so they can pose too! Stop forcing down our throats the so-called “words of the savior” and feeding us on his “body and blood”, that’s some disgusting vampire shit!!
End of religious rant!
(I expect to be called "false prophet", "Blaspheming punk" and "lost soul", so be it!!)
A national day of prayer was held yesterday at the Kololo airstrip. Thousands of worshippers showed up, and prayers were led by the big guns from all religions, the army, police, URA, judiciary, media and the Big man Kagu him-u-selef!
The Prez said “immoral acts such as human sacrifice, sexual perversion, bribery, witchcraft and corruption have eaten into society, and these acts have not pleased God. We therefore run the risk of losing out on God’s blessings if we choose to continue disobeying Him”.
This God thing is being taken too seriously. For example, one of the religious guys was like “God, warrupp!!! I know this is the 7th day and u are resting, u see, av checked your schedule…..but Gad, we have HIV, corruption and many other things killing us here…please come and save us…!”
What’s wrong with these quasi-religious lumpens? God sent condoms, abstinence, nude pictures for wankers and ARV’s, use them bitches! He also sent an in-built conscience to every living human being to curb things like corruption, by making us feel super guilty when we steal dimes!
These same religious goons and at the same time the largest hypocrites of all time, going by superfluous titles like “arch deacon” and “the right reverend” or “the holy freakin see” are the very same bastards that erode these guilt feelings by offering “confession” to anyone that feels has wronged someone else! They then go ahead to tell people how “God is all merciful and forgiving, go say 3 Hail Mary’s and 4 Our Fathers and you are forgiven”, they then go ahead and call you stuff like “my son”!
These stupidly small punishments mean that the thieving son of a bitch will have all his bad feelings erased from his conscience within a couple of minutes, then he will return back to that “road project fund”, steal more dimes then confess again after that!
The same “dress-wearing and large hat-donning” punks will then go to their congregations and proclaim how “condoms were made by the devil, they have holes in them that transfer evil from one person to the next” and the Cardinal guy is telling chaps to burn all pills that help with family planning, coz “God wants us to have as many children as we can”, then the same idiots start praying for divine assistance with un-employment and poverty!! How about you just let people have a manageable number of kids!!! Silly religious punks!!
How about you cut off the thieving bastard’s stealing fingers? This is how Iran and China developed, at least! They are not praying to Allah, they are doing what Allah told them to do! Although unfortunately sometimes they go way beyond the necessary, by for example sentencing chicks to the brutal punishment of “gang rape” for walking in the streets un-veiled!
The silly minister for ethics, a former UPC minister in the 80’s when Ugandans were being killed like roaches in a kitchen cupboard in the Bugolobi flats, went ahead and asked all corrupt ministers to repent for their sins and start a new! How about they arrest these idiots instead?
Religion is crap!! Human’s belief in some non-existent being that will help us is just misleading and bogus! We have been equipped with all the tools necessary to live a harmonious life, with feelings of guilt to check us when we are wrong. Some humans however have no conscience and will murder, pillage and rape at will with no remorse, and that’s why we have prisons and courts of law. But praying to God for guidance, now that’s bullshit!
Man created God, in his own image! God is the nice side of life. Man also created the devil, which is the guilty conscience side of life. Heaven is that part of life where everything is going so well, nice job, nice family and crap like that, whereas hell is the bad times we go through, unemployment, rioters messing up yo usual existence and silly opportunists like that idiot at work that keeps reporting you to the boss.
As a seventh day absentist therefore, I would wish for a world where people stop being hypocrites, stop being greedy, trying to put personalized plates on their cars to pose on us, which causes others to rob from the rest, so they can pose too! Stop forcing down our throats the so-called “words of the savior” and feeding us on his “body and blood”, that’s some disgusting vampire shit!!
End of religious rant!
(I expect to be called "false prophet", "Blaspheming punk" and "lost soul", so be it!!)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Your Vote counts - For me!!
These Electoral Commision chaps, they have re-ya-lly jammed to vacate office, despite the very many protests held by some rare chicks last week. It was an amusing site as female cops were deployed to throw chicken wing punches and rip off bras from their fellow species, the news clips looked like a freaky lesbian show!!
What’s with these opposition chaps anyway, always trying to stir up trouble! No wonder we just live in a cycle of violence.
Apparently the voter registration has ended, some of us are still hoping for yet another extension, coz those queues are not exactly interesting, ‘specially when u are standing next to some chap that last showered on Martyrs’ day! Some of us have just resigned to the assumption that “know what, my vote was going to be one of the invalid ones anyway, let them decide for me”
This whole voting shit should be changed, let the MP’s vote on who the Prez shall be, and we all know that whoever comes up with more than 5 million shillings per MP will be the landslide winner.
Politics is bullshit, chaps get arrested for talking shit, others get murdered, others get framed for rape and all sorts of legal mumbo jumbo, and yet they still ask us to participate in the process, knowing full well that the so called “opposition” is nothing but a re-incarnation of the old guard, and an old broom doesn’t do a good job.
These “opportunists”, or rather “oppositionists” are not willing to hear the word “lost”, coz they will start all sorts of bullshit, “there was massive rigging”, “we told you to change the electoral commission boss”, “there will be blood on the streets”, “we shall device other means to remove the thieves from power”, one wonders whether to participate in this circus or not!
Anywho, those of you who wish “to have their voice heard”, good luck! Al be chilling for you to decide for us!
What’s with these opposition chaps anyway, always trying to stir up trouble! No wonder we just live in a cycle of violence.
Apparently the voter registration has ended, some of us are still hoping for yet another extension, coz those queues are not exactly interesting, ‘specially when u are standing next to some chap that last showered on Martyrs’ day! Some of us have just resigned to the assumption that “know what, my vote was going to be one of the invalid ones anyway, let them decide for me”
This whole voting shit should be changed, let the MP’s vote on who the Prez shall be, and we all know that whoever comes up with more than 5 million shillings per MP will be the landslide winner.
Politics is bullshit, chaps get arrested for talking shit, others get murdered, others get framed for rape and all sorts of legal mumbo jumbo, and yet they still ask us to participate in the process, knowing full well that the so called “opposition” is nothing but a re-incarnation of the old guard, and an old broom doesn’t do a good job.
These “opportunists”, or rather “oppositionists” are not willing to hear the word “lost”, coz they will start all sorts of bullshit, “there was massive rigging”, “we told you to change the electoral commission boss”, “there will be blood on the streets”, “we shall device other means to remove the thieves from power”, one wonders whether to participate in this circus or not!
Anywho, those of you who wish “to have their voice heard”, good luck! Al be chilling for you to decide for us!
Oxy Morons!!
Oxymoron: Conjoining contradictory terms; according to this thingy called “dictionary”, the second most stolen item in bookshops and book shelves worldwide – after the bible!
This life is so full of contradictions, so the term “oxymoron” came up to describe just that, for example;
The early bird gets the worm – but the second mouse gets the cheese (or the groundnut, for us chaps in Mawokotta!! (alright Maggie, you see the first rat gets killed in the trap trying to get that nut – u slow bitch!!)
Then – Birds of a feather flock together, like doves – but then, opposites attract, like Whitney and Bobby!
So, it was no surprise when I discovered that punks from the villages go to their local church and drink “holy water”, oba “blessed water”, that water that beez there by the church entracnce for chaps to rub against their foreheads in a cross sign. No wonder these punks be dying of cholera! The un-questionable beliefs of the powers of these priests and the reality on the ground, is one huge oxymoron! These locals are “oxy-morons!”
Chick’s/ hot mamas like to refer to males as “children”, “dogs” and “wankers”, the last one is just for illustration. But as a guy that provides food, airtime and salon dimes for the family, this “child” is a fully grown adult, so for being called “Adult Children”, chicks are being “oxy-morons!!!”, pun intended! (I did it for the pun of it)
Backstreet boys, those gay punks who be in Pastor Sempa’s videos. Not that they said anything contradictory, but we, yes we, the music die-hards, are still trying to figure out what exactly these butty boys were high on, to sing a bullshit song with the lyrics “show me the meaning of being lonely!!”. A bunch of morons, that’s what they are!! An oxymoron however, is a chick that tells a chap, “let’s go some far away place and be alone together! Alone together?? Either u are alone, or together, pick one bitch!!
“The difference is the similarity” – u shall hear this phrase at least 3 times in your lifetime, and it shall be said most likely by the bastard that serves tea at the staff canteen, trying to impress with his English skills. “Garcon', I ordered tea, not coffe!!” “But Sir, the difference is the similarity”, the loon will quip!
This one is HUGE!!! “Cardinal Sin”. This is a major sin according to some verses from that ballistic fiction novel “the bible”. This book is a “two-logy” with the Old and then New testament , as if Lord of the rings, the latter being a “tri-logy”. It tells us that the cardinal sins are the deadliest of all, including “pride (all NRM chaps)” “greed (Global fund chaps)” “Lust (Bebe Cool)” “Anger (Kiiza Besigye and his entire crew)” “Gluttony (CHOGM chaps)” “Envy (Olara Otunnu)” and “Sloth (I have no clue what the hell this means)” A cardinal is the highest ranked chap in the catholic religion, if he is not called "Pope", by any chance, and is as if a Lt General. A sin is the worst thing a civilian in this same religion can do. So, why name this bad shit “cardinal sin??”, what a bunch of oxy – MORONS!!
“Civil Servant”. One would expect these selfish bastards to be servants of the civilian community, but they are the Kings. Driving us off our roads with their silly sirens, chewing dimes for our roads, dozing off in parliament, going to their private clinics ‘stead ‘o treating us in Mulago – what a bunch of morons, Oxy that is!!
“Consensual rape”. This one comes in 2 forms;
1 – The chick likes it rough!!!!!
2 – The guy allows to be raped!!
These categories do NOT involve morons in any way, this is ballistic shit!!
“Doing nothing”. A common oxy moronic statement used by bu campus chicks when they want free lunch from “Tipsy takeaway”. “Kyokka honey where are you?? Am just here in my room doing nothing!!” Can u pass by? And bring chips and chicken on yo-wa way!!”. Now, how contradictory is that? Doing nothing!!
“Graduate student”. Usually, you are called a Graduate after you….erm, graduate! So why do students pose on us mbu they are “graduate students?” Morons….oxy!
“Ice tea”. Take a stroll down to Mateos and see for yourselves a bunch of posers, drinking their loans! They be sophisticated these days, coz they drink 2 forms of object matter. I remember that science shit, water, steam and ice, three forms of the same stuff, oba h20 and ph2so, anyway, it was some shit like that. Corporate posers be drinking both, at the same freakin time! This does not get more contradictory, ice tea, ice water………..morons!!
Finally, the contradiction you may be involved in – “Self-help Group”. U are trying to help yo-wa self, but in a group! This is common among these born again punks that give silly assignments to be done in groups, as if therapy sessions, and call them self-help. Maybe to help the church raise more dimes – in groups!
Enough with the oxy-morons, it’s the scheduled time for my “self-help group” meeting, at the “aethist’s church” of “latter day lumpens” just a “short distance” away. Out!!
This life is so full of contradictions, so the term “oxymoron” came up to describe just that, for example;
The early bird gets the worm – but the second mouse gets the cheese (or the groundnut, for us chaps in Mawokotta!! (alright Maggie, you see the first rat gets killed in the trap trying to get that nut – u slow bitch!!)
Then – Birds of a feather flock together, like doves – but then, opposites attract, like Whitney and Bobby!
So, it was no surprise when I discovered that punks from the villages go to their local church and drink “holy water”, oba “blessed water”, that water that beez there by the church entracnce for chaps to rub against their foreheads in a cross sign. No wonder these punks be dying of cholera! The un-questionable beliefs of the powers of these priests and the reality on the ground, is one huge oxymoron! These locals are “oxy-morons!”
Chick’s/ hot mamas like to refer to males as “children”, “dogs” and “wankers”, the last one is just for illustration. But as a guy that provides food, airtime and salon dimes for the family, this “child” is a fully grown adult, so for being called “Adult Children”, chicks are being “oxy-morons!!!”, pun intended! (I did it for the pun of it)
Backstreet boys, those gay punks who be in Pastor Sempa’s videos. Not that they said anything contradictory, but we, yes we, the music die-hards, are still trying to figure out what exactly these butty boys were high on, to sing a bullshit song with the lyrics “show me the meaning of being lonely!!”. A bunch of morons, that’s what they are!! An oxymoron however, is a chick that tells a chap, “let’s go some far away place and be alone together! Alone together?? Either u are alone, or together, pick one bitch!!
“The difference is the similarity” – u shall hear this phrase at least 3 times in your lifetime, and it shall be said most likely by the bastard that serves tea at the staff canteen, trying to impress with his English skills. “Garcon', I ordered tea, not coffe!!” “But Sir, the difference is the similarity”, the loon will quip!
This one is HUGE!!! “Cardinal Sin”. This is a major sin according to some verses from that ballistic fiction novel “the bible”. This book is a “two-logy” with the Old and then New testament , as if Lord of the rings, the latter being a “tri-logy”. It tells us that the cardinal sins are the deadliest of all, including “pride (all NRM chaps)” “greed (Global fund chaps)” “Lust (Bebe Cool)” “Anger (Kiiza Besigye and his entire crew)” “Gluttony (CHOGM chaps)” “Envy (Olara Otunnu)” and “Sloth (I have no clue what the hell this means)” A cardinal is the highest ranked chap in the catholic religion, if he is not called "Pope", by any chance, and is as if a Lt General. A sin is the worst thing a civilian in this same religion can do. So, why name this bad shit “cardinal sin??”, what a bunch of oxy – MORONS!!
“Civil Servant”. One would expect these selfish bastards to be servants of the civilian community, but they are the Kings. Driving us off our roads with their silly sirens, chewing dimes for our roads, dozing off in parliament, going to their private clinics ‘stead ‘o treating us in Mulago – what a bunch of morons, Oxy that is!!
“Consensual rape”. This one comes in 2 forms;
1 – The chick likes it rough!!!!!
2 – The guy allows to be raped!!
These categories do NOT involve morons in any way, this is ballistic shit!!
“Doing nothing”. A common oxy moronic statement used by bu campus chicks when they want free lunch from “Tipsy takeaway”. “Kyokka honey where are you?? Am just here in my room doing nothing!!” Can u pass by? And bring chips and chicken on yo-wa way!!”. Now, how contradictory is that? Doing nothing!!
“Graduate student”. Usually, you are called a Graduate after you….erm, graduate! So why do students pose on us mbu they are “graduate students?” Morons….oxy!
“Ice tea”. Take a stroll down to Mateos and see for yourselves a bunch of posers, drinking their loans! They be sophisticated these days, coz they drink 2 forms of object matter. I remember that science shit, water, steam and ice, three forms of the same stuff, oba h20 and ph2so, anyway, it was some shit like that. Corporate posers be drinking both, at the same freakin time! This does not get more contradictory, ice tea, ice water………..morons!!
Finally, the contradiction you may be involved in – “Self-help Group”. U are trying to help yo-wa self, but in a group! This is common among these born again punks that give silly assignments to be done in groups, as if therapy sessions, and call them self-help. Maybe to help the church raise more dimes – in groups!
Enough with the oxy-morons, it’s the scheduled time for my “self-help group” meeting, at the “aethist’s church” of “latter day lumpens” just a “short distance” away. Out!!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Am an Alcoholic - and so are 3 million others!!
It’s official – 3 million Ugandans drink alcohol excessively – according to a “rehabilitation organisation”! Wonder what it feels working with a rehabilitation organization. The agency, Serenity Centre for Alcoholics Rehabilitation, added that about 15% of the 31 million Ugandans are vulnerable to alcohol.
These bastards, I’ve never heard ‘o em! Never seen ‘em! What gives? How did they get this 15% thingy?
Henry Musitwa, an educator at the centre, explained that an alcohol addict is a person who cannot do without taking alcohol.
He however did not add, that the bigger the numbers he comes up with in this survey, the bigger the cheque that shall be sent by the “donor community”, to help solve this “large African crisis!”
“It is not about how much a person takes, but such a person depends on alcohol. It might be one bottle of beer a day, but he cannot do without it,” Musitwa told The New Vision. The person’s health also becomes compromised by alcohol. One such symptom is uncontrollable shaking of hands.”
Musitwa also did not add, that he has also set up a center to treat “food addiction”, should have said something like “it does not matter how much a person eats, but such a person depends entirely on food, he just can’t do without it. His health becomes compromised, and one symptom is that the person gains weight and is usually seen actively participating in all aspects of life”
Kalema made the remarks on Tuesday while receiving a donation of 80 mattresses from Euroflex to assist the centre.
I knew it, I knew it……it had something to do with a donation, sly bastards!
He noted that excessive consumption of alcohol had driven people into poverty and unemployment.
He just fell short of adding, that very minor factors like corruption, population explosion, poor infrastructure for education and various other small factors were HUGELY overshadowed by drinking one beer a day when it came t causes of unemployment!
He noted that men are more addicted than women, particularly men with responsibilities.
Matter of fact, he just saw 3 top level managers with a large telecom company walk into his organization, seeking help with their shaking hands. It was a way bigger number than the chaps he left playing cards at that container near his home, while they smoked some strangely looking plants!
Kalema urged the Government to fight poverty in order to stop more people from becoming alcoholics.
We thought the bugger said alcoholism causes poverty! Well, he got his donation, “so what the heck if I contradict myself…just a little!”
“Very poor people and low-income earners drink more than the well-off people. Some men cannot provide for their families and thus get stress. They resort to drinking,” he said.
This guy!!!! Kumbe we thought “people with responsibilities” were more addicted!! This chap is definitely a recovering addict, and he is drunk as he speaks!
“It is easy. When people start coming home late or dodge you when you talk to them, then suspect,” he said.
Usually, it’s when they have our dimes, that they always dodge us, those lumpens!! So u just think they are drunk? Ok, we shall report them to you…Sir!
Euroflex provided about sh12m worth of aid to the centre located in Bwebajja in Wakiso district. The centre can admit 25 patients. It is supported by a foreign firm, Masean Cara of Ireland, and the Irish embassy
Now we understand where this ad was coming from!! We were scared shitless, kumbe it was just an ad! But how it ended up as a headline in the highest selling Ug daily – they probably paid Sh 5m of the 12! As a 2 beer a day drinker, am definitely checking in!
(On a totally stray note, ZSamm, i just finished ALL the Orange dimes on "Dana Gilmore", a pint on me, only one a day, forget this new vision chap)
These bastards, I’ve never heard ‘o em! Never seen ‘em! What gives? How did they get this 15% thingy?
Henry Musitwa, an educator at the centre, explained that an alcohol addict is a person who cannot do without taking alcohol.
He however did not add, that the bigger the numbers he comes up with in this survey, the bigger the cheque that shall be sent by the “donor community”, to help solve this “large African crisis!”
“It is not about how much a person takes, but such a person depends on alcohol. It might be one bottle of beer a day, but he cannot do without it,” Musitwa told The New Vision. The person’s health also becomes compromised by alcohol. One such symptom is uncontrollable shaking of hands.”
Musitwa also did not add, that he has also set up a center to treat “food addiction”, should have said something like “it does not matter how much a person eats, but such a person depends entirely on food, he just can’t do without it. His health becomes compromised, and one symptom is that the person gains weight and is usually seen actively participating in all aspects of life”
Kalema made the remarks on Tuesday while receiving a donation of 80 mattresses from Euroflex to assist the centre.
I knew it, I knew it……it had something to do with a donation, sly bastards!
He noted that excessive consumption of alcohol had driven people into poverty and unemployment.
He just fell short of adding, that very minor factors like corruption, population explosion, poor infrastructure for education and various other small factors were HUGELY overshadowed by drinking one beer a day when it came t causes of unemployment!
He noted that men are more addicted than women, particularly men with responsibilities.
Matter of fact, he just saw 3 top level managers with a large telecom company walk into his organization, seeking help with their shaking hands. It was a way bigger number than the chaps he left playing cards at that container near his home, while they smoked some strangely looking plants!
Kalema urged the Government to fight poverty in order to stop more people from becoming alcoholics.
We thought the bugger said alcoholism causes poverty! Well, he got his donation, “so what the heck if I contradict myself…just a little!”
“Very poor people and low-income earners drink more than the well-off people. Some men cannot provide for their families and thus get stress. They resort to drinking,” he said.
This guy!!!! Kumbe we thought “people with responsibilities” were more addicted!! This chap is definitely a recovering addict, and he is drunk as he speaks!
“It is easy. When people start coming home late or dodge you when you talk to them, then suspect,” he said.
Usually, it’s when they have our dimes, that they always dodge us, those lumpens!! So u just think they are drunk? Ok, we shall report them to you…Sir!
Euroflex provided about sh12m worth of aid to the centre located in Bwebajja in Wakiso district. The centre can admit 25 patients. It is supported by a foreign firm, Masean Cara of Ireland, and the Irish embassy
Now we understand where this ad was coming from!! We were scared shitless, kumbe it was just an ad! But how it ended up as a headline in the highest selling Ug daily – they probably paid Sh 5m of the 12! As a 2 beer a day drinker, am definitely checking in!
(On a totally stray note, ZSamm, i just finished ALL the Orange dimes on "Dana Gilmore", a pint on me, only one a day, forget this new vision chap)
Job Hunting??
Am sure there’s a graduation today, it’s Friday right? What with all the Universities we have, there could be one at Ndejje!
It’s weird when u see all the plastic joy, chaps throwing their graduation caps way up in the air, as if they have received an appointment letter to work with the GAVI fund project! These chaps then go ahead to “waste” 3 million bucks on a grad party, then hit the streets in search of a job, ‘stead ‘o using the 3 mill to set up a container and sell freakin’ baby’s clothes and diapers!
Anywho, since these “educated” chaps are going to hit the streets, armed with their CV’s, with the greatest achievements being, but not limited to;
• Class prefect, P3A, St Donozio Sebugwawo Nursery and Primary school.
• Teasurer, Interact club, Duhaga High
• Member, Student’s guild, Ndejje University.
That’s not exactly great, especially if the Human Resource fella was in Buddo!
But what exactly is needed when u see these job ads, let’s dissect them;
1 – Competitive salary: We compete with Indians to see who pays less!
2 – At least a Masters Degree in Administration: Atleast??? Like there is anything higher than that? Which PhD holder is going to be looking in the papers for a silly job, as if he is not consulting at the University of Malawi, for God’s sake!
3 – Must be flexible: On some occasions, u may be required to do ballet, yoga and aerobics stuffs while in office!
4 – No phone calls: You see, according to the laws governing our company, we are required to advertise this job just for formalities sake, but Robert took that position some time back, so don’t call us, u job hunting bitch!!
5 – Our fast paced company – We don’t have time to train you, we hope u are bright!
6 – Minimum 3 year experience - We will treat you “slightly” better than your last job! We are seriously hoping you had one….or 2!!
7 – Some overtime required – We shall take some of your night time, and some of your weekend too, but for the same dimes we agreed for normal working hours.
8 – Duties will vary – Any office fool can boss you around!
9 – Requires team leadership skills – You shall have the responsibilities of a manager – but without the pay and respect!
And the winner –
10 – Apply in person: We are looking for a ki ballistic looking brown brown!!!
There’s the tips!!
It’s weird when u see all the plastic joy, chaps throwing their graduation caps way up in the air, as if they have received an appointment letter to work with the GAVI fund project! These chaps then go ahead to “waste” 3 million bucks on a grad party, then hit the streets in search of a job, ‘stead ‘o using the 3 mill to set up a container and sell freakin’ baby’s clothes and diapers!
Anywho, since these “educated” chaps are going to hit the streets, armed with their CV’s, with the greatest achievements being, but not limited to;
• Class prefect, P3A, St Donozio Sebugwawo Nursery and Primary school.
• Teasurer, Interact club, Duhaga High
• Member, Student’s guild, Ndejje University.
That’s not exactly great, especially if the Human Resource fella was in Buddo!
But what exactly is needed when u see these job ads, let’s dissect them;
1 – Competitive salary: We compete with Indians to see who pays less!
2 – At least a Masters Degree in Administration: Atleast??? Like there is anything higher than that? Which PhD holder is going to be looking in the papers for a silly job, as if he is not consulting at the University of Malawi, for God’s sake!
3 – Must be flexible: On some occasions, u may be required to do ballet, yoga and aerobics stuffs while in office!
4 – No phone calls: You see, according to the laws governing our company, we are required to advertise this job just for formalities sake, but Robert took that position some time back, so don’t call us, u job hunting bitch!!
5 – Our fast paced company – We don’t have time to train you, we hope u are bright!
6 – Minimum 3 year experience - We will treat you “slightly” better than your last job! We are seriously hoping you had one….or 2!!
7 – Some overtime required – We shall take some of your night time, and some of your weekend too, but for the same dimes we agreed for normal working hours.
8 – Duties will vary – Any office fool can boss you around!
9 – Requires team leadership skills – You shall have the responsibilities of a manager – but without the pay and respect!
And the winner –
10 – Apply in person: We are looking for a ki ballistic looking brown brown!!!
There’s the tips!!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Soccer Bullshit!!!
If you are a sucker for attention, better not die during the world cup! This is weird, but actually true.
“THERE was chaos in Busia on Sunday when mourners abandoned a burial to watch the World Cup football match between Ghana and Serbia. The incident happened in Mugungu ‘B’ village in Busia town during the burial of Moses Wafula, a casual labourer, who died of kidney cancer on Saturday.
Mourners, including the dead man’s brother, Bwire Ojusi, blamed Pastor Moses Barasa of the Calvary Church for prolonging the sermon yet the match was about to kick off. Frustrated, Ojusi organised his friends, who stealthily carried the body from the make-shift shelter, where it had been placed during prayers, to the grave, before the end of the prayers.
On realising that the body was missing, the Pastor rushed to the grave to stop the burial. The mourners almost pounced on Barasa, accusing him of making them miss the match. “If we cannot bury now, we are leaving you with the body. We have to go and support Ghana,” said Ojusi. In Munyonyo, International Criminal Court delegates abandoned the meeting to watch the host country take on Mexico, which match ended 1:1.”
That was the New Vision story. There is also a saying that goes “the number of people that turn up at your funeral will depend on the weather”, coz if it rains, you are on your own. Kci and Jojo can attest to this, after rains pounded Kla on that easter weekend the entire bloody Sunday, ‘twas a no show!!
So what’s with this football stuff anyway? Guys have been known to abandon wedding receptions cause “Chelsea is playing at home, the reds are coming to Stamford Bridge”, Bitch, like you live there!!
We have some idiots that are really going over board, just talking shit;
“We have just bought Ronaldo for 80 million pounds from those goons!”. Now, dare ask this guy for a pint. You would think the pounds are in his pocket!
As I was chilling at a bar the other day, this chap was goin on and on about how “that guy wants to play in Spain, he has to leave England because with his current 30,000 pounds a week, he pays 40% as taxes yet in Spain the tax is only 10%, so in essence, he will earn more, unless he asks for a clause where the club commits to pay his taxes excluding the salary…!!!
Shit, this guy is freakin good! So I asked the guy how much PAYE I have to pay here in Uganda in case I earn 30,000 shillings a week! He promptly asked me to fuck off and go ask the freakin consultants who had read their books, coz that shit ain't on the highlights channel - BITCH!!!
Now I get it, let’s teach tax laws based on Drogba’s earnings!! Let’s teach human resource management based on how Man U hires it’s managers. Let’s teach procurement laws based on how Arsenal buys and sells players! Damn, our kids would be the brightest.
Talk of “making use of stunted brains!!”
Now, let’s go watch that next world cup game!
“THERE was chaos in Busia on Sunday when mourners abandoned a burial to watch the World Cup football match between Ghana and Serbia. The incident happened in Mugungu ‘B’ village in Busia town during the burial of Moses Wafula, a casual labourer, who died of kidney cancer on Saturday.
Mourners, including the dead man’s brother, Bwire Ojusi, blamed Pastor Moses Barasa of the Calvary Church for prolonging the sermon yet the match was about to kick off. Frustrated, Ojusi organised his friends, who stealthily carried the body from the make-shift shelter, where it had been placed during prayers, to the grave, before the end of the prayers.
On realising that the body was missing, the Pastor rushed to the grave to stop the burial. The mourners almost pounced on Barasa, accusing him of making them miss the match. “If we cannot bury now, we are leaving you with the body. We have to go and support Ghana,” said Ojusi. In Munyonyo, International Criminal Court delegates abandoned the meeting to watch the host country take on Mexico, which match ended 1:1.”
That was the New Vision story. There is also a saying that goes “the number of people that turn up at your funeral will depend on the weather”, coz if it rains, you are on your own. Kci and Jojo can attest to this, after rains pounded Kla on that easter weekend the entire bloody Sunday, ‘twas a no show!!
So what’s with this football stuff anyway? Guys have been known to abandon wedding receptions cause “Chelsea is playing at home, the reds are coming to Stamford Bridge”, Bitch, like you live there!!
We have some idiots that are really going over board, just talking shit;
“We have just bought Ronaldo for 80 million pounds from those goons!”. Now, dare ask this guy for a pint. You would think the pounds are in his pocket!
As I was chilling at a bar the other day, this chap was goin on and on about how “that guy wants to play in Spain, he has to leave England because with his current 30,000 pounds a week, he pays 40% as taxes yet in Spain the tax is only 10%, so in essence, he will earn more, unless he asks for a clause where the club commits to pay his taxes excluding the salary…!!!
Shit, this guy is freakin good! So I asked the guy how much PAYE I have to pay here in Uganda in case I earn 30,000 shillings a week! He promptly asked me to fuck off and go ask the freakin consultants who had read their books, coz that shit ain't on the highlights channel - BITCH!!!
Now I get it, let’s teach tax laws based on Drogba’s earnings!! Let’s teach human resource management based on how Man U hires it’s managers. Let’s teach procurement laws based on how Arsenal buys and sells players! Damn, our kids would be the brightest.
Talk of “making use of stunted brains!!”
Now, let’s go watch that next world cup game!
Lead us into temptation!!!
“Inspirational” speaking is fast catching up in Kla, becoming a major “profession” in the “corridors of dimes”!
Some chap named Mussolini (kinda reminds you of the Italian dictator, don’t it? ) has kind of perfected this trade, writing almost 2,353 books, and very tiny ones at that, that you will always see at the back counter of Aristoc booklex!
You be there waiting in line to pay for a “how to hack your boss’ emails” book, and can’t help but look at this “inspirational” selection with very obvious titles;
• Become a better manager in 30 seconds
• The work ethic matrix
• 10 ways to climb that corporate ladder
• Blag bla blah blah blah and make more money
• ……………………………………………..
They are so many, this guy has sure walked in the very same footsteps of that Kawasaki blood sucker. This guy just never gives up! After making gazzilions with his “Rich Dad Poor Dad” best seller, where he was giving tips on how to invest, this Kawasaki guy got the premonition that “people actually want to read and hear this shit, he was like"…..know what? Fuck real estate, the dimes is in re-cycling my same message through books and seminars”, so you will find, yep, at Aristioc, silly books that go;
• Rich Dad’s Cash flow quadrant
• Rich dad – Why the future is in Network Marketing
• Rich Sister Poor Sister (2009)
• Rich dad’s guide to investing
• Rich dad poor dad for teens
• Rich dad’s retire young retire rich
• Increase your financial IQ (and my wallet, while you’re at it!!)
(Had to google this punk just to be sure I had all the damn titles)
But what exactly does this guy have to add on After the Rich Dad Poor Dad book to all these other books? When the original Rich Dad came out in 2001, all we corporate punks were buying this stuff more than chicks of today buy SMA gold! It was “cooler” to walk with this book then than it was to be a relative of a commander in PGB! And these books are the reason we are so fucked up today, we just invest in whatever crap we hear!
Chicks were first hit by a phenomenon called “circles”, and they did run in circles, trying to recover their dimes, even the police got dizzy and told them, un-kindly, to “return to their kitchens, leave this dimes stuff to us guys”. Now they have “Oriflame!!” Poor chicks, u get membership, then they give u cosmetics, then u bring a member, then they open an account……….looks to me like “Tianshe”, those chaps that used to give out BMW’s, 666i series, the devil’s series!
The guys have bio discs!
So what about??
The answer lies in the likes of Musolini and his hero, that Rich dad poor dad punk. These guys are sowing seeds of encouragement and hope in infertile brains, leading to disastrous financial harvests!
Corporatal Kampalans, still on a salo of about 700 g’s, with a loan acceptable up to 10 times the net salary, are drawing large sums of dimes from the bank to throw in investments they have been convinced will make them rich within 5 years, to the tune of the dimes they would have worked for in 25 years.
Musolini will tell you some stuff of “move with a pen and piece of paper everywhere you go, be sure to write down ANY thoughts that cross your mind whenever you see a Range Rover Sport (of course you don’t have one, he does!), and repeat to yourself, “I will own this car in dash years”, then write down the number of years you want it. Believe me, u shall have it”
As soon as the punk walks out, with his 1 million shilling cheque for talkin shit, some bugger from Oriflame is at the door, with this “business proposal”, and u be like “Shit……this Musolini guy is good, I can see that range rover, matter of fact, it looks closer than I expected, here Oriflame, take ALL my dimes, let me get some extra from the bank, they are always calling me to take a loan”
And this is how we end up stuck with bank dimes! The dimes they said would be streaming in just ain’t coming, coz you have exhausted all the possible clients you would have for cosmetics, and now you have to rely on that salary, but the bank has you tied for like 8 more years coz they need half of that net amount to clear that loan!
They will convince you that Einstein dropped out in P3, Warren Buffet was rejected by his first university, Bill Gates dropped out in college…….but they all invested wisely!! Well so did my gateman, freakin drop out cleaning my sewage tanks!!! Wonder why he didn’t start a string of supermarkets instead!
(These thoughts were provoked by the mirror that looks at life as it is!!)
Some chap named Mussolini (kinda reminds you of the Italian dictator, don’t it? ) has kind of perfected this trade, writing almost 2,353 books, and very tiny ones at that, that you will always see at the back counter of Aristoc booklex!
You be there waiting in line to pay for a “how to hack your boss’ emails” book, and can’t help but look at this “inspirational” selection with very obvious titles;
• Become a better manager in 30 seconds
• The work ethic matrix
• 10 ways to climb that corporate ladder
• Blag bla blah blah blah and make more money
• ……………………………………………..
They are so many, this guy has sure walked in the very same footsteps of that Kawasaki blood sucker. This guy just never gives up! After making gazzilions with his “Rich Dad Poor Dad” best seller, where he was giving tips on how to invest, this Kawasaki guy got the premonition that “people actually want to read and hear this shit, he was like"…..know what? Fuck real estate, the dimes is in re-cycling my same message through books and seminars”, so you will find, yep, at Aristioc, silly books that go;
• Rich Dad’s Cash flow quadrant
• Rich dad – Why the future is in Network Marketing
• Rich Sister Poor Sister (2009)
• Rich dad’s guide to investing
• Rich dad poor dad for teens
• Rich dad’s retire young retire rich
• Increase your financial IQ (and my wallet, while you’re at it!!)
(Had to google this punk just to be sure I had all the damn titles)
But what exactly does this guy have to add on After the Rich Dad Poor Dad book to all these other books? When the original Rich Dad came out in 2001, all we corporate punks were buying this stuff more than chicks of today buy SMA gold! It was “cooler” to walk with this book then than it was to be a relative of a commander in PGB! And these books are the reason we are so fucked up today, we just invest in whatever crap we hear!
Chicks were first hit by a phenomenon called “circles”, and they did run in circles, trying to recover their dimes, even the police got dizzy and told them, un-kindly, to “return to their kitchens, leave this dimes stuff to us guys”. Now they have “Oriflame!!” Poor chicks, u get membership, then they give u cosmetics, then u bring a member, then they open an account……….looks to me like “Tianshe”, those chaps that used to give out BMW’s, 666i series, the devil’s series!
The guys have bio discs!
So what about??
The answer lies in the likes of Musolini and his hero, that Rich dad poor dad punk. These guys are sowing seeds of encouragement and hope in infertile brains, leading to disastrous financial harvests!
Corporatal Kampalans, still on a salo of about 700 g’s, with a loan acceptable up to 10 times the net salary, are drawing large sums of dimes from the bank to throw in investments they have been convinced will make them rich within 5 years, to the tune of the dimes they would have worked for in 25 years.
Musolini will tell you some stuff of “move with a pen and piece of paper everywhere you go, be sure to write down ANY thoughts that cross your mind whenever you see a Range Rover Sport (of course you don’t have one, he does!), and repeat to yourself, “I will own this car in dash years”, then write down the number of years you want it. Believe me, u shall have it”
As soon as the punk walks out, with his 1 million shilling cheque for talkin shit, some bugger from Oriflame is at the door, with this “business proposal”, and u be like “Shit……this Musolini guy is good, I can see that range rover, matter of fact, it looks closer than I expected, here Oriflame, take ALL my dimes, let me get some extra from the bank, they are always calling me to take a loan”
And this is how we end up stuck with bank dimes! The dimes they said would be streaming in just ain’t coming, coz you have exhausted all the possible clients you would have for cosmetics, and now you have to rely on that salary, but the bank has you tied for like 8 more years coz they need half of that net amount to clear that loan!
They will convince you that Einstein dropped out in P3, Warren Buffet was rejected by his first university, Bill Gates dropped out in college…….but they all invested wisely!! Well so did my gateman, freakin drop out cleaning my sewage tanks!!! Wonder why he didn’t start a string of supermarkets instead!
(These thoughts were provoked by the mirror that looks at life as it is!!)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Why we are poor!!
It’s bad to be broke, no, not you, but your country! We live in what is called, among many names “developing nation”, “third world country” ,”dark continent” and “less than a dollar a day punk”. We live in a capitalistic mindset where money stands for virtually everything.
First we had these Egypt goons threatening war if we “silly and reckless” southern states dared use the River Nile for anything without their express permission, never mind it starts down here and flows up to them! They say “no irrigation, no building dams, heck, do not take your cows to the Nile after 8 pm, we need all the water u broke idiots!!”
During the colonial days, Egypt had ganged up with fellow defilers and rapists of the land, Britain, in 1929, and came up with an agreement, that Egypt uses 80% of the nile waters, Sudan 10%, while the rest of the lumpens, “Ethiopia, Uganda, Kenya, Congo, Rwanda, Burundi heck, even South Sudan, even though they haven’t broken off yet, share the rest of the 10%, never mind the Nile is entirely fed by rivers in these so-called “broke” countries!
Idi Amin, the most vilified villain after Adolf Hitler, first kicked out the bullshit coolies back to Gujarat and Mumbai, then turned his guns on this silly 1929 treaty, and told the Egyptians, in no kind words, to “go fuck the pharaohs, these waters are ours!!”, now if that ain’t patriotism, show me why we need 5 billion bucks to teach it!
Unfortunately, he was kicked out before Egypt could launch a full scale war, which they were threatening. Amin had also promised to send the 7 deadly plagues back to this mummy land, starting with the killing of all first borns, then after that he would send a garrison of grasshoppers, which chaps be selling by the Masaka highway roadside, as a ballistic replacement to locusts, which we didn’t have!
Fast forward to 2010, and the Southern countries have now made some dimes, they are telling Egypt to “go mummify the 1929 agreement”.
Unfortunately, some of our leaders are still scared. They can incite riots but can’t fight for their country! What the hell was Raila Odinga doing, running to Egypt to “explain” Kenya’s position? Why on earth has Kabila refused to sign this agreement? He is instead drinking tea with Mubarak! Mbu “I’ll be the last to sign!”, this punk has all the minerals and timber he needs, but he still acts like a little bitch!
Another rich faggoty country, the US, has just announced an increment in visa fees to 850,000 bucks, non-refundable I might add. Britain, in the same week, said any “immigrant” trying to enter heaven….no, Britain, must pass an English test, with 65%. This immediately drew protests from Nasser Sebagala and his 5 shamba boys, “what shall I doing now??? I need sweeping engrish road to make money for super market of mine!!”
What we don’t know, is that USAID, that “arm” of the US that deals with “giving us poor punks” donor aid, was told to figure a way to raise money so as to maintain the status quo, giver and beggar (we are beggars, why do we slap Karamajong beggars!). They came up with this devious plan.
“Barrack, looky here Sir….let’s just charge these fools 850,000 bucks to apply for a visa, shower them with our movies, like Sex and the City 2, so they think the US is heaven, and they’ll be applying by the hundreds, a month. Out of 440 applicants from Uganda alone, only 80 shall be granted visas, so let’s do the math;
440 applicants * 850,000 = 374,000,000
80 granted * 850,000 = 68,000,000
Balance to “give” = 306,000,000
Now sir, all we need to do is dangle this money in front of their cabinet, ask them to vote for the US position in ANY UN resolution, including invading other poor countries, then we shall “give” them 306 millis. And oh, we shall also tell them to stop beating opposition guys, or else we give them part of this dime……WE ARE GOD!!!!!”
Now see, they are still colonialists!!! Shit, we are DENSE!!!
Whatever happened to the legacies of Nkurumah, Lumumba, Kabalega………gone are the days!!
First we had these Egypt goons threatening war if we “silly and reckless” southern states dared use the River Nile for anything without their express permission, never mind it starts down here and flows up to them! They say “no irrigation, no building dams, heck, do not take your cows to the Nile after 8 pm, we need all the water u broke idiots!!”
During the colonial days, Egypt had ganged up with fellow defilers and rapists of the land, Britain, in 1929, and came up with an agreement, that Egypt uses 80% of the nile waters, Sudan 10%, while the rest of the lumpens, “Ethiopia, Uganda, Kenya, Congo, Rwanda, Burundi heck, even South Sudan, even though they haven’t broken off yet, share the rest of the 10%, never mind the Nile is entirely fed by rivers in these so-called “broke” countries!
Idi Amin, the most vilified villain after Adolf Hitler, first kicked out the bullshit coolies back to Gujarat and Mumbai, then turned his guns on this silly 1929 treaty, and told the Egyptians, in no kind words, to “go fuck the pharaohs, these waters are ours!!”, now if that ain’t patriotism, show me why we need 5 billion bucks to teach it!
Unfortunately, he was kicked out before Egypt could launch a full scale war, which they were threatening. Amin had also promised to send the 7 deadly plagues back to this mummy land, starting with the killing of all first borns, then after that he would send a garrison of grasshoppers, which chaps be selling by the Masaka highway roadside, as a ballistic replacement to locusts, which we didn’t have!
Fast forward to 2010, and the Southern countries have now made some dimes, they are telling Egypt to “go mummify the 1929 agreement”.
Unfortunately, some of our leaders are still scared. They can incite riots but can’t fight for their country! What the hell was Raila Odinga doing, running to Egypt to “explain” Kenya’s position? Why on earth has Kabila refused to sign this agreement? He is instead drinking tea with Mubarak! Mbu “I’ll be the last to sign!”, this punk has all the minerals and timber he needs, but he still acts like a little bitch!
Another rich faggoty country, the US, has just announced an increment in visa fees to 850,000 bucks, non-refundable I might add. Britain, in the same week, said any “immigrant” trying to enter heaven….no, Britain, must pass an English test, with 65%. This immediately drew protests from Nasser Sebagala and his 5 shamba boys, “what shall I doing now??? I need sweeping engrish road to make money for super market of mine!!”
What we don’t know, is that USAID, that “arm” of the US that deals with “giving us poor punks” donor aid, was told to figure a way to raise money so as to maintain the status quo, giver and beggar (we are beggars, why do we slap Karamajong beggars!). They came up with this devious plan.
“Barrack, looky here Sir….let’s just charge these fools 850,000 bucks to apply for a visa, shower them with our movies, like Sex and the City 2, so they think the US is heaven, and they’ll be applying by the hundreds, a month. Out of 440 applicants from Uganda alone, only 80 shall be granted visas, so let’s do the math;
440 applicants * 850,000 = 374,000,000
80 granted * 850,000 = 68,000,000
Balance to “give” = 306,000,000
Now sir, all we need to do is dangle this money in front of their cabinet, ask them to vote for the US position in ANY UN resolution, including invading other poor countries, then we shall “give” them 306 millis. And oh, we shall also tell them to stop beating opposition guys, or else we give them part of this dime……WE ARE GOD!!!!!”
Now see, they are still colonialists!!! Shit, we are DENSE!!!
Whatever happened to the legacies of Nkurumah, Lumumba, Kabalega………gone are the days!!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Out of Office Auto Reply!!
Sometimes we, perennial loungers, just be here chilling on the net, like we have nothing to do…..ok, we actually have nothing to do, so we tend to learn the behavioral tendencies of the corporate types, one of which is leave us “out of office” mail replies whenever they are away!
This stuff used to piss me off, coz it was just a boring message, mbu “am out of office, will get back to you as soon as I return”, problem is, the buggers never get back, they just return to their routine, wake up at 6 and start kissing boss’ ass from 8am to 5pm!!
I however landed on a collection of ballistic out of office replies, which I think they should try out;
1 // I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood. (An MTN chap when Warid had just opened)
2 // You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all. (UMEME Director)
3 // Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team. (Ministry of Works official)
4 // I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. (NSSF Director)
5 // Thank you for your email. Your data card has been charged Shs5k for the first 10 words and Shs1k for each additional word in your message. (SMS Media spamming punk)
6 // The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (An Indian PC seller on Kampala Road)
7 // Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. (Stanbic Bank)
8 // Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. (URA E-tax division)
9 // I’ve run away to join a different circus. (Kiiza Besigye)
10 // I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Kate’ instead of David. (That EATV presenter, oba Mathias!!)
*Copied, obviously without permission, then added on brackets, as if they are original!!
This stuff used to piss me off, coz it was just a boring message, mbu “am out of office, will get back to you as soon as I return”, problem is, the buggers never get back, they just return to their routine, wake up at 6 and start kissing boss’ ass from 8am to 5pm!!
I however landed on a collection of ballistic out of office replies, which I think they should try out;
1 // I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood. (An MTN chap when Warid had just opened)
2 // You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all. (UMEME Director)
3 // Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team. (Ministry of Works official)
4 // I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. (NSSF Director)
5 // Thank you for your email. Your data card has been charged Shs5k for the first 10 words and Shs1k for each additional word in your message. (SMS Media spamming punk)
6 // The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (An Indian PC seller on Kampala Road)
7 // Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. (Stanbic Bank)
8 // Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. (URA E-tax division)
9 // I’ve run away to join a different circus. (Kiiza Besigye)
10 // I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Kate’ instead of David. (That EATV presenter, oba Mathias!!)
*Copied, obviously without permission, then added on brackets, as if they are original!!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Money can buy me love!!
I don’t like messing around with the bible these days, its becoming too cliché, predictable and irritatingly boring. But, one reference wouldn’t hurt.
See, the Bible has made 2 things looked ridiculously bad, a chow and money! However, am only here for the money bit.
They say all sorts of evil things about money in that book, about the rich man who would not be allowed to go to heaven, just because the bugger is blessed to have a dime, or the tax collector who is so evil, he should be chilling with the devil, one would think it’s bad to be rich, but no, and here’s why;
1 – Mbu Money is the root of all evil;
Contrary to public opinion however, “lack of money” is the root of all evil! Criminals are known to be carrying around guns, waylaying chaps on highways and stripping them of their wallets, phones and laptops, for later sale. If these scam of the earth had investments, rental incomes and shit, would they be there chilling in swamps waiting to see car lights before they ambush the victims with the precision of a leopard on a wilde beast? If we all had money, there would be no crime, except just wife beating, money has NOTHING to do with it, just a huge male ego!
2 – Mbu Money can’t buy love;
Hahahahahaha, funny! Money can buy ALL the love u want! Broke campus boys be complaining how we MP’s and fellow sugar daddies in the “young prey” trade are taking all their chicks, fuck ‘em, broke buggers, wait yo turns you young he-bitches!! We are now in charge!
So what consists of this love bullshit, lets break it down – A movie – 50,000 bucks, at least, Roses – 20,000 depending on whether u buy the plastic ones from that chick that beez walking allover Kisimenti (2,000 will do) or if u are a corporatal poser and shop flowers from the Garden City basement, with an accompanying chocolate vanilla latte from the shop next door – minimum 60,000 bucks). Deliver this stuff to her office, mbu “I want to surprise her” and the love will flow like sweet honey……no money, no honey- get it? Mess around and buy her a “rolex” mbu it’s take out, then we shall see whose phones will not be answered the next day!
3 – Mbu Money can’t buy happiness;
Mukula, aren’t u happy??? What with three online radios and an 8 cd changer in yo bathroom, ad be the happiest punk. And that’s just a small bathroom, for afternoon showers just! There’s that silly saying of “if wishes were horses beggars would ride”, fuck that shit! I talked to a beggar the other day and told him there were horses at Munyonyo, and if they were wishes, would he ride? I narrowly survived an onslaught of hard earned coins un-lash on my person by this attacker with a very very poor personal hygiene, among other broke traits he exhibited!(that’s how bad the descriptions are when u are broke). If wishes were words, he’d have said “go to hell you over rated bastard guy!!!”
4 – That Mo money Mo problems;
This statement was used by Notorious BIG to make lots of money, by way of a song! While the bastard was rapping how mo money leads to more problems, he was busy signing a record deal for yet more money, and we fans just believed this stuff. Here’s what mo money actually brings;
A bigger house with a swimming pool…….in freakin Naguru,
A blackberry smartphone, forget that silly Chinese dual sim that takes pictures,
More campus chicks,
Buffet at the Serena – 45,000 a plate, without even a soda,
U can actually put to use words like “I ordered sparkling water on a private jet”
Now let’s see what happens with less money;
Shift to a house in freakin Bwaise and buy ladders for everytime it rains, u just be chillin on the roof,
U become a rioter,
U can’t buy love,
U become unhappy – u cant buy happiness.
U become an opposition politician.
In otherwords – Less money…..mo problems.
In a nutshell, after ALL is said and done, u will realize, as I have, that Money is the source of all happiness!!
Out!!
See, the Bible has made 2 things looked ridiculously bad, a chow and money! However, am only here for the money bit.
They say all sorts of evil things about money in that book, about the rich man who would not be allowed to go to heaven, just because the bugger is blessed to have a dime, or the tax collector who is so evil, he should be chilling with the devil, one would think it’s bad to be rich, but no, and here’s why;
1 – Mbu Money is the root of all evil;
Contrary to public opinion however, “lack of money” is the root of all evil! Criminals are known to be carrying around guns, waylaying chaps on highways and stripping them of their wallets, phones and laptops, for later sale. If these scam of the earth had investments, rental incomes and shit, would they be there chilling in swamps waiting to see car lights before they ambush the victims with the precision of a leopard on a wilde beast? If we all had money, there would be no crime, except just wife beating, money has NOTHING to do with it, just a huge male ego!
2 – Mbu Money can’t buy love;
Hahahahahaha, funny! Money can buy ALL the love u want! Broke campus boys be complaining how we MP’s and fellow sugar daddies in the “young prey” trade are taking all their chicks, fuck ‘em, broke buggers, wait yo turns you young he-bitches!! We are now in charge!
So what consists of this love bullshit, lets break it down – A movie – 50,000 bucks, at least, Roses – 20,000 depending on whether u buy the plastic ones from that chick that beez walking allover Kisimenti (2,000 will do) or if u are a corporatal poser and shop flowers from the Garden City basement, with an accompanying chocolate vanilla latte from the shop next door – minimum 60,000 bucks). Deliver this stuff to her office, mbu “I want to surprise her” and the love will flow like sweet honey……no money, no honey- get it? Mess around and buy her a “rolex” mbu it’s take out, then we shall see whose phones will not be answered the next day!
3 – Mbu Money can’t buy happiness;
Mukula, aren’t u happy??? What with three online radios and an 8 cd changer in yo bathroom, ad be the happiest punk. And that’s just a small bathroom, for afternoon showers just! There’s that silly saying of “if wishes were horses beggars would ride”, fuck that shit! I talked to a beggar the other day and told him there were horses at Munyonyo, and if they were wishes, would he ride? I narrowly survived an onslaught of hard earned coins un-lash on my person by this attacker with a very very poor personal hygiene, among other broke traits he exhibited!(that’s how bad the descriptions are when u are broke). If wishes were words, he’d have said “go to hell you over rated bastard guy!!!”
4 – That Mo money Mo problems;
This statement was used by Notorious BIG to make lots of money, by way of a song! While the bastard was rapping how mo money leads to more problems, he was busy signing a record deal for yet more money, and we fans just believed this stuff. Here’s what mo money actually brings;
A bigger house with a swimming pool…….in freakin Naguru,
A blackberry smartphone, forget that silly Chinese dual sim that takes pictures,
More campus chicks,
Buffet at the Serena – 45,000 a plate, without even a soda,
U can actually put to use words like “I ordered sparkling water on a private jet”
Now let’s see what happens with less money;
Shift to a house in freakin Bwaise and buy ladders for everytime it rains, u just be chillin on the roof,
U become a rioter,
U can’t buy love,
U become unhappy – u cant buy happiness.
U become an opposition politician.
In otherwords – Less money…..mo problems.
In a nutshell, after ALL is said and done, u will realize, as I have, that Money is the source of all happiness!!
Out!!
The latest in Crime Busting!!
This is weird, but strangely true. According to today’s gazette, newspaper they call it, the Uganda police are looking at importing rats and cockroaches to help them in crime prevention. “Rats and cockroaches will be deployed especially at border areas and in the karamoja region to sniff explosives and narcotics, they are already being used in most advanced states, and in Tanzania to sniff land mines”, a police source was quoted!
Now, seriously, importing rats??? Are we out of our god damn minds?? Like we don’t have enuff rats in our country already! What these police lumpens should do, in my humble opinion, is export the damn rodents for this crime prevention stuff, just keep a few here in our labs for our own purposes! The 300 million fumigation companies in Uganda attest to this!
I personally have a huge roach problem in my house, I should sell the damn things to the police before they contact the EU for their first import consignment! I be there brushing my teeth and as the tap water flows, about three small roaches creep out from the sink hole, I be disturbing their sleep!
The other day I un-lash a plate from the cupboard for the chicken express takeaway stuff, and four roaches were cozying up at the corner side of the plate! And these roaches never die, however much u step on the damn thing, u’ll find it three days later just walking around with no head, all stitched up and limping on crutches! Previous efforts to use doom just never prevailed.
I be going to sleep and there they are, all over the pillow, just talking bout’ “man, we got first dibs, pillow’s ours punk, why don’t you try the couch, that’s if Momo and ‘em haven’t gotten there first, u always late punk!!”
But as they say, everything has a positive side to it, so here’s the plan;
Am going to fence off bits of the kitchen and bathroom plus pillow area, and start rearing these roaches, for export to the Ug police. If they jam to buy my shit here, al take them to Burundi then export them to the Uganda police as “exotic breeds”! I will use some zero grazing shit to ensure these pests are the best breed the police can find, heck, I will bomb down the company that manufactures Doom and Farco rapid kill, messing up my business plans!
So here’s how it works;
Rats and roaches are taken to Sandhurst academy, where they hob nob with the Muhoozi’s of this world. They are taught sniffing techniques, and are also taught how to report to their handlers. A roach will probably turn to the right, left, then do a back flip, as a signal to the handler that it has indeed sniffed some ganja in this planter’s lugguage! A rat will wag it’s tail and give a thumbs up sign to indicate it has sniffed some deadly explosives in Osama Bin Hiding’s lugguage!
Rats will also be used to control riots, whereby they will be un-lash en-masse to these rioting pumpkins, tickle their feet to the extent that they give up, not only the riot but the entire cause “fuck this federo bullshit, av never laughed this hard, way to go rodents!!!”, the chaps will be heard proclaiming.
As I type this, a very small “Cock roach” has just emerged from this keyboard, it seems the chattering noise just awoke the little bastard. Am keeping this one and will hopefully find a “Hen roach” and take them to the new breeding grounds.
Talk about “tapping into opportunities”. (Sunday Monitor & Vision, Page 2)
Now, seriously, importing rats??? Are we out of our god damn minds?? Like we don’t have enuff rats in our country already! What these police lumpens should do, in my humble opinion, is export the damn rodents for this crime prevention stuff, just keep a few here in our labs for our own purposes! The 300 million fumigation companies in Uganda attest to this!
I personally have a huge roach problem in my house, I should sell the damn things to the police before they contact the EU for their first import consignment! I be there brushing my teeth and as the tap water flows, about three small roaches creep out from the sink hole, I be disturbing their sleep!
The other day I un-lash a plate from the cupboard for the chicken express takeaway stuff, and four roaches were cozying up at the corner side of the plate! And these roaches never die, however much u step on the damn thing, u’ll find it three days later just walking around with no head, all stitched up and limping on crutches! Previous efforts to use doom just never prevailed.
I be going to sleep and there they are, all over the pillow, just talking bout’ “man, we got first dibs, pillow’s ours punk, why don’t you try the couch, that’s if Momo and ‘em haven’t gotten there first, u always late punk!!”
But as they say, everything has a positive side to it, so here’s the plan;
Am going to fence off bits of the kitchen and bathroom plus pillow area, and start rearing these roaches, for export to the Ug police. If they jam to buy my shit here, al take them to Burundi then export them to the Uganda police as “exotic breeds”! I will use some zero grazing shit to ensure these pests are the best breed the police can find, heck, I will bomb down the company that manufactures Doom and Farco rapid kill, messing up my business plans!
So here’s how it works;
Rats and roaches are taken to Sandhurst academy, where they hob nob with the Muhoozi’s of this world. They are taught sniffing techniques, and are also taught how to report to their handlers. A roach will probably turn to the right, left, then do a back flip, as a signal to the handler that it has indeed sniffed some ganja in this planter’s lugguage! A rat will wag it’s tail and give a thumbs up sign to indicate it has sniffed some deadly explosives in Osama Bin Hiding’s lugguage!
Rats will also be used to control riots, whereby they will be un-lash en-masse to these rioting pumpkins, tickle their feet to the extent that they give up, not only the riot but the entire cause “fuck this federo bullshit, av never laughed this hard, way to go rodents!!!”, the chaps will be heard proclaiming.
As I type this, a very small “Cock roach” has just emerged from this keyboard, it seems the chattering noise just awoke the little bastard. Am keeping this one and will hopefully find a “Hen roach” and take them to the new breeding grounds.
Talk about “tapping into opportunities”. (Sunday Monitor & Vision, Page 2)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Uganda Martyrs.......the story!!
It’s a pubic…….public holiday today, and all ye corporate chaps are only TOO happy to be away from that ever nagging punk, the boss, what with all his bullshit targets and “inspirational” talks, well of course unless you are the boss, sorry for portraying you thus!
What we corporatal chaps do is look at the calendar of 2010 in December 2009, and start counting the days we shall be off, and wait impatiently to have that day off, I mean who cares what the damn day is all about? What we do care however, is that it falls on a Wednesday night and Iguana is “off the chain” on Wednesday nights!
Anyway, today is martyrs’ day. A day when 22 or so little disobedient punks had their souls sent to the very God they had been praising, sooner than He had probably wanted, for they were burnt up like goat ribs at a stand outside the Kyadondo rugby grounds before He had officially “called” them! Now, since u are just blasting for having a day off, I take the liberty to tell u exactly why u should know about the people that have given you this chance to be away from the office monster!
It all began in around 1877, now that’s a freakin long time ago! Some chaps known as protestants, these were guys “protesting” the Catholic beliefs, mbu u cant get a chow as a priest?? They said “fuck that shit, we want to marry chicks from our congregations, we protest this bullshit, so we shall start a similar religion, with the same bible, heck, we shall even have the same kumbaya hymns in church, but as for us, a chow is a chow, we are getting married bitches!!”.
Anywho, the protestants fell in Ug in about 1877, and found a king, named Mutesa 1, a real political strategist, forget Kagu and his stuff! They gave him a some mirrors and shoe polish, and he was like “god damn!! U guys are genius…I can now chi my che yef…u are welcome, do what u gotta do!”
In 1879, the catholic white fathers also fell in, calling themselves missionaries (no relation with the missionary position…..or is there???) led by a one Father Simeon Lourdel, no wonder the SMACK chaps were generous enuff to give him an entire dormitory block, while the rest were named after our local martyrs, like Kiwanuka house. Around the same time though, the Muslim guys also fell in, oba Ibn batuta if I recall. Mutesa played these chaps around like Bukenya and the mafia……”they took photos of my paw paws……...i swear I never said that!”, and this was for political gain. You just have to wonder why a king had to haha like this for political gain, its not like there were elections or donor money or silly opposition chaps in IPC!
Anywho, the locals were too excited with all this Jesus kabozi and the Bible, they were hooked to it like chicks to “La Tormenta”, discussing the varying emotions of this bible thingy like boda boda chaps around a Bukedde newspaper! Mutesa got pissed off with this new God guy, and kicked the white missionaries out of the country ……….for 3 years….u thought Amin was the first?? But this didn’t help matters, chaps got even more into the Jesus thing after the expulsions, that the white buggers had to be invited back!
The “teachings” of these white buggers really got into these locals, can u imagine they even renounced polygamy?? Jacob Zuma would be fuming if he were reading this, matter of fact, he would burn down the Namugongo shrine again! Refusing to marry 7 chicks?? Who the hell are these lumpens??
One of the most active converts, a one Joseph Mukasa, named after the chap that chowed Mary, after the Holy Spirit Him-u-selef had done tha damn thing and got her tummy bulging with the Christ, served as the King’s personal attendant, as if Amelia Kyambadde, you gots business with the King, go thru him first! He brought “faith” to many of the bu boys that used to serve the King, “pages” they called ‘em. Mutesa died around this time, and his son, Mwanga took over as new king.
The new King’s advisors, and these were not like our “advisor on economic policy”, “advisor on youth” and the hundreds of others we have, but these were like 5 or so trusted chaps. They told the king that this Joseph character was promoting another king, some chap called God, instead of his own local one. Mwanga, pissed off like an opposition politician, sentenced this chap to death. There were no bullets, so they slashed him with an axe, washed it and returned it to the chap that slaughters goats for the neighbourhood!! This was to be an example to the rest.
The “pages” got even more big headed. It is alleged that the king used to chow their bu small behinds, like Catholic priests in Ireland and Boston. So they made vows not to let the big man touch them again, “mbu it was un-christian”. That allegation is actually from this very story I am copying from, but you might have thought I knew my history shit, kumbe am just adding on things. This Joseph guy had told the boys to reject giving sexual favours to the king!! Now av totally hahad! It used to be said that these martyrs were burnt coz they were gay and were spreading this gay bullshit, to the annoyance of the King, who put their asses to sleep via a huge bon fire, and now that they mention it, in a history book thingy, I am beginning to believe this theory, however, that’s a different story, lets stick to the copying and pasting, shall we!
Anywho, Charles Lwanga took over the now deceased Joseph’s jobo, as if Goodluck Jonathan. However, he also took his faith a little too seriously. A pissed off Mwanga gathered this group of un-repentant and un-apologetic little punks and asked them to choose, “either with us, or against us, bitches!!”, they chose against!
There was no time for a parliamentary probe and that appeals bullshit, the sentence was done, and these guys were to be killed off like their “La Tormenta Bible” hero Jesus! They were too happy, talkin shit “we forgive u with all our hearts”….”we go in peace, u shall be judged by sijui the lord”…..”where we are going is a much better place, there are 60 virgins waiting for us” but this was to no avail. The last stamenet is still used by “martyrs” everywhere today, but kweli, who the hell wants a virgin?? Let alone, 60?? (Apart from Mswati!)
They were tied with ropes and led to Namugongo like cows heading to the Old Portbell abattoir. They were then wrapped around in dry papyrus reeds like fried eggs in a rolex, and burnt like illegally captured ivory, elephant horns that is!
So, what lessons do we all learn from this???
NEVER FUCK AROUND WITH A HUMAN GOD!!!!
Jesus tried it, we all know what happened. There can only be one King at a time!!
(at least that’s what I learnt)
What we corporatal chaps do is look at the calendar of 2010 in December 2009, and start counting the days we shall be off, and wait impatiently to have that day off, I mean who cares what the damn day is all about? What we do care however, is that it falls on a Wednesday night and Iguana is “off the chain” on Wednesday nights!
Anyway, today is martyrs’ day. A day when 22 or so little disobedient punks had their souls sent to the very God they had been praising, sooner than He had probably wanted, for they were burnt up like goat ribs at a stand outside the Kyadondo rugby grounds before He had officially “called” them! Now, since u are just blasting for having a day off, I take the liberty to tell u exactly why u should know about the people that have given you this chance to be away from the office monster!
It all began in around 1877, now that’s a freakin long time ago! Some chaps known as protestants, these were guys “protesting” the Catholic beliefs, mbu u cant get a chow as a priest?? They said “fuck that shit, we want to marry chicks from our congregations, we protest this bullshit, so we shall start a similar religion, with the same bible, heck, we shall even have the same kumbaya hymns in church, but as for us, a chow is a chow, we are getting married bitches!!”.
Anywho, the protestants fell in Ug in about 1877, and found a king, named Mutesa 1, a real political strategist, forget Kagu and his stuff! They gave him a some mirrors and shoe polish, and he was like “god damn!! U guys are genius…I can now chi my che yef…u are welcome, do what u gotta do!”
In 1879, the catholic white fathers also fell in, calling themselves missionaries (no relation with the missionary position…..or is there???) led by a one Father Simeon Lourdel, no wonder the SMACK chaps were generous enuff to give him an entire dormitory block, while the rest were named after our local martyrs, like Kiwanuka house. Around the same time though, the Muslim guys also fell in, oba Ibn batuta if I recall. Mutesa played these chaps around like Bukenya and the mafia……”they took photos of my paw paws……...i swear I never said that!”, and this was for political gain. You just have to wonder why a king had to haha like this for political gain, its not like there were elections or donor money or silly opposition chaps in IPC!
Anywho, the locals were too excited with all this Jesus kabozi and the Bible, they were hooked to it like chicks to “La Tormenta”, discussing the varying emotions of this bible thingy like boda boda chaps around a Bukedde newspaper! Mutesa got pissed off with this new God guy, and kicked the white missionaries out of the country ……….for 3 years….u thought Amin was the first?? But this didn’t help matters, chaps got even more into the Jesus thing after the expulsions, that the white buggers had to be invited back!
The “teachings” of these white buggers really got into these locals, can u imagine they even renounced polygamy?? Jacob Zuma would be fuming if he were reading this, matter of fact, he would burn down the Namugongo shrine again! Refusing to marry 7 chicks?? Who the hell are these lumpens??
One of the most active converts, a one Joseph Mukasa, named after the chap that chowed Mary, after the Holy Spirit Him-u-selef had done tha damn thing and got her tummy bulging with the Christ, served as the King’s personal attendant, as if Amelia Kyambadde, you gots business with the King, go thru him first! He brought “faith” to many of the bu boys that used to serve the King, “pages” they called ‘em. Mutesa died around this time, and his son, Mwanga took over as new king.
The new King’s advisors, and these were not like our “advisor on economic policy”, “advisor on youth” and the hundreds of others we have, but these were like 5 or so trusted chaps. They told the king that this Joseph character was promoting another king, some chap called God, instead of his own local one. Mwanga, pissed off like an opposition politician, sentenced this chap to death. There were no bullets, so they slashed him with an axe, washed it and returned it to the chap that slaughters goats for the neighbourhood!! This was to be an example to the rest.
The “pages” got even more big headed. It is alleged that the king used to chow their bu small behinds, like Catholic priests in Ireland and Boston. So they made vows not to let the big man touch them again, “mbu it was un-christian”. That allegation is actually from this very story I am copying from, but you might have thought I knew my history shit, kumbe am just adding on things. This Joseph guy had told the boys to reject giving sexual favours to the king!! Now av totally hahad! It used to be said that these martyrs were burnt coz they were gay and were spreading this gay bullshit, to the annoyance of the King, who put their asses to sleep via a huge bon fire, and now that they mention it, in a history book thingy, I am beginning to believe this theory, however, that’s a different story, lets stick to the copying and pasting, shall we!
Anywho, Charles Lwanga took over the now deceased Joseph’s jobo, as if Goodluck Jonathan. However, he also took his faith a little too seriously. A pissed off Mwanga gathered this group of un-repentant and un-apologetic little punks and asked them to choose, “either with us, or against us, bitches!!”, they chose against!
There was no time for a parliamentary probe and that appeals bullshit, the sentence was done, and these guys were to be killed off like their “La Tormenta Bible” hero Jesus! They were too happy, talkin shit “we forgive u with all our hearts”….”we go in peace, u shall be judged by sijui the lord”…..”where we are going is a much better place, there are 60 virgins waiting for us” but this was to no avail. The last stamenet is still used by “martyrs” everywhere today, but kweli, who the hell wants a virgin?? Let alone, 60?? (Apart from Mswati!)
They were tied with ropes and led to Namugongo like cows heading to the Old Portbell abattoir. They were then wrapped around in dry papyrus reeds like fried eggs in a rolex, and burnt like illegally captured ivory, elephant horns that is!
So, what lessons do we all learn from this???
NEVER FUCK AROUND WITH A HUMAN GOD!!!!
Jesus tried it, we all know what happened. There can only be one King at a time!!
(at least that’s what I learnt)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Burglars just got smarter!!!
Getting dimes is getting easier these days……iron bar hitmen went back to computer school, and they were not there to learn C+ or Java or bullshit Cisco, they were there to learn hacking. Ok, they were already hacking with their iron bars, but now they wanted to hack with their freakin’ keyboards.
See I recently helped some chap open an email address (the bugger paid 50 thou for that, thanks Gmail for that crate of pints!), then he came panting to my whereabouts, “you guy, how can you do that to me??? That I am broke?? Why are u telling people this?”
“ey punk, slow yo roll, let’s go through this from the start, like “sowing the bastard seed, the guy didn’t just start by saying “then I was sworn in…” nope, it was a story from childhood….now shoot, punk!”
“ok, I got a call this morning from Zambia saying I had sent an email and I was stark broke, mbu I need money, u are the only one with my email password!!”
This quickly reminded me of a post I forged a few posts ago, as if some Nigerian had messed me up, kumbe the shit actually happens to real people we know! This punk had just been “iron barred”, “hacked”, “IT-ed”.
I asked the punk when he last checked his mail, he said 3 days ago, in an internet café, and so I asked whether he remembered to sign out….he asked “what is sign out???” This was the moment I punched him…..if only it wasn’t in my dreams, instead I just told him some chap had found his email open, simple shit!
So here is what happens if you are not as silly as that silly mangoose that left without signing out (and am not an iron bar chap)
U will be at a wedding meeting, fining buggers for wearing red shoes and coming in late, collecting chairman’s bag as if the chairman guy is broke, auctioning a lighter and fetchin a milli in the process, then by some error, some guy leaves his flash disk on that chair next to yours, and disappears. U will be super excited “shit, the 1GB flash av always wanted, let me go see what snaps this guy has before I erase the shit and upload my pics”, what u wont know is that the flash disk has a program that automatically loads onto your pc as soon as you plug in that flash and start blasting on that folder of “Bujagali weekend….a blast from the past!” The program has just stuck onto your pc like a cheap suit from “select garments”, and it is known as a “key logger”.
What this “tight marker” program will do is spy on whatever you type on yo keyboard. They are very hard to uninstall like the freakin NRM government, and are designed not to be seen by the victim, like the real iron bar hitmen behind yo gate, chilling in that Christmas tree wearing black pillow cases on their heads and ignoring all mosquito bites!
So, what the key logger does is memorise EVERYTHING you have typed, then send an email, to me the smart thief, with all the shit you have typed, and now we ALL know that yo facebook password is “orgasm!!”, you ballistic chick you!!!! So I will then check yo facebook stuff, and probably change yo status to “single” while at it!
Another way the hitmen will get to you is not by leaving the flash disk, but remotely, using some laser beams and shit, if only we could hook up chicks like this, Kagu’s granddaughter would have been taken by now!
Ofcourse brighter hitmen have gone ahead and made sites that look exactly like facebook, one is called “fuckbook” and the other “koobface”, so if you don’t be seeing what site it is u are exactly messing with, u are hand delivering yo passwords to we lazy chaps that want to drive real range rovers, not just putting stickers on our bicycles of “my other car is a range rover” (copied without permission from the comments section).
So, in case yo computer is behaving badly…..like if it refuses to take breakfast, or take the regular 1 shower a day, attempt to call the “spam busters”, and don’t fear to say u want some “spam” removed from your hard disc……………………..we’ll understand!
See I recently helped some chap open an email address (the bugger paid 50 thou for that, thanks Gmail for that crate of pints!), then he came panting to my whereabouts, “you guy, how can you do that to me??? That I am broke?? Why are u telling people this?”
“ey punk, slow yo roll, let’s go through this from the start, like “sowing the bastard seed, the guy didn’t just start by saying “then I was sworn in…” nope, it was a story from childhood….now shoot, punk!”
“ok, I got a call this morning from Zambia saying I had sent an email and I was stark broke, mbu I need money, u are the only one with my email password!!”
This quickly reminded me of a post I forged a few posts ago, as if some Nigerian had messed me up, kumbe the shit actually happens to real people we know! This punk had just been “iron barred”, “hacked”, “IT-ed”.
I asked the punk when he last checked his mail, he said 3 days ago, in an internet café, and so I asked whether he remembered to sign out….he asked “what is sign out???” This was the moment I punched him…..if only it wasn’t in my dreams, instead I just told him some chap had found his email open, simple shit!
So here is what happens if you are not as silly as that silly mangoose that left without signing out (and am not an iron bar chap)
U will be at a wedding meeting, fining buggers for wearing red shoes and coming in late, collecting chairman’s bag as if the chairman guy is broke, auctioning a lighter and fetchin a milli in the process, then by some error, some guy leaves his flash disk on that chair next to yours, and disappears. U will be super excited “shit, the 1GB flash av always wanted, let me go see what snaps this guy has before I erase the shit and upload my pics”, what u wont know is that the flash disk has a program that automatically loads onto your pc as soon as you plug in that flash and start blasting on that folder of “Bujagali weekend….a blast from the past!” The program has just stuck onto your pc like a cheap suit from “select garments”, and it is known as a “key logger”.
What this “tight marker” program will do is spy on whatever you type on yo keyboard. They are very hard to uninstall like the freakin NRM government, and are designed not to be seen by the victim, like the real iron bar hitmen behind yo gate, chilling in that Christmas tree wearing black pillow cases on their heads and ignoring all mosquito bites!
So, what the key logger does is memorise EVERYTHING you have typed, then send an email, to me the smart thief, with all the shit you have typed, and now we ALL know that yo facebook password is “orgasm!!”, you ballistic chick you!!!! So I will then check yo facebook stuff, and probably change yo status to “single” while at it!
Another way the hitmen will get to you is not by leaving the flash disk, but remotely, using some laser beams and shit, if only we could hook up chicks like this, Kagu’s granddaughter would have been taken by now!
Ofcourse brighter hitmen have gone ahead and made sites that look exactly like facebook, one is called “fuckbook” and the other “koobface”, so if you don’t be seeing what site it is u are exactly messing with, u are hand delivering yo passwords to we lazy chaps that want to drive real range rovers, not just putting stickers on our bicycles of “my other car is a range rover” (copied without permission from the comments section).
So, in case yo computer is behaving badly…..like if it refuses to take breakfast, or take the regular 1 shower a day, attempt to call the “spam busters”, and don’t fear to say u want some “spam” removed from your hard disc……………………..we’ll understand!
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