After ranting about God and his crew, I felt weird leaving it at that. You see, there’s a spiritual concept that passes on from one person to another. So if u are into “rant” mode, the next person catches it, like a bad flu!
So in order for that not to happen, let’s get back to normal programming, and we are still on jobs!
Today is a Monday, and the gluttons at the New Vision shall be advertising “600 jobs inside”, kumbe 400 of them are in “Mayuge District Commision”, and they be looking for clerks and shamba boys. But what if, just what if, you could get the best jobs in the world through the papers! Here’s what the job section would be like:
1 – Golfers wanted - Must be at the golf course at 9 in the morning. Must be able to hit ball straight into the main road and the bushes at the course. Must be able to drink at least 2 beers after a game. Pay is 300,000 a week! Winning not really necessary.
2 – Roadwork crews needed for an established road repair and construction company with a big experience in road jobs. Must have knowledge of doing a very shoddy job, but easily recognizable by road inspection engineers as certifiable, willing to always return to do pot hole filling every month or so, so as to spend as much tax payer’s money as possible. Salary depends on how badly the job is done well!
3 – Radio callers wanted: Do you want to call Fat Boy and Seanice and tell them how your boyfriend chucked you and you need advice from the listeners? Do you want to call Radio One’s spectrum and make noise about the government? Please, stop using your airtime now, we have the job just for you. All you need to do is drop by office, pick your talk time number and keep calling all day! Salaries commensurate with number of calls!
4 – MP’s wanted: Willing to accept no less than 5 million shillings per vote on a bill. Willing to live with at least 5 girlfriends, 2 of them below 19 years, and students of a university. Willing to keep original wife, only to be paraded at social functions and campaigns. Can be MP for as long as possible……and oh, willing to spend “working hours” napping away at the parliament chambers while business goes on. Strictly be awake during major votes! (you can also doze off during a presidential state of nation address)
5 – Socialite wanted: Willing to marry a wrinkled white man and change name to “Heard”! Ability to come up with creative names for personalized number plates for the various cars you shall be driving is as if important. Ability to drink every night is very crucial. Ability to be smart, in terms of intelligence, not necessary!
6 – Janja weeds – Must have a compilation of Bobi Swine’s music. Must be able to determine which nun’s gardens have the “ganja” plant thriving alongside the sweet potatoes. Ability to translate Bobi Swine’s Jamaican attempts to English a big bonus! Salary shall be paid in leaves (smokable).
7 – Boss required: Must be able to show up at work, very late. Must be able to fuck up everyone’s day, heck, their entire careers! Must be pompous, Budo fellas encouraged! Must be a wise ass, quoting several big authors, especially Napoleon Hill. Must spend half the day on Facebook and the English Premiership websites. And crucially, must ask for the day’s reports “yesterday!!”
Now, let’s start applying!
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