The latest in Crime Busting!!

This is weird, but strangely true. According to today’s gazette, newspaper they call it, the Uganda police are looking at importing rats and cockroaches to help them in crime prevention. “Rats and cockroaches will be deployed especially at border areas and in the karamoja region to sniff explosives and narcotics, they are already being used in most advanced states, and in Tanzania to sniff land mines”, a police source was quoted!

Now, seriously, importing rats??? Are we out of our god damn minds?? Like we don’t have enuff rats in our country already! What these police lumpens should do, in my humble opinion, is export the damn rodents for this crime prevention stuff, just keep a few here in our labs for our own purposes! The 300 million fumigation companies in Uganda attest to this!

I personally have a huge roach problem in my house, I should sell the damn things to the police before they contact the EU for their first import consignment! I be there brushing my teeth and as the tap water flows, about three small roaches creep out from the sink hole, I be disturbing their sleep!

The other day I un-lash a plate from the cupboard for the chicken express takeaway stuff, and four roaches were cozying up at the corner side of the plate! And these roaches never die, however much u step on the damn thing, u’ll find it three days later just walking around with no head, all stitched up and limping on crutches! Previous efforts to use doom just never prevailed.

I be going to sleep and there they are, all over the pillow, just talking bout’ “man, we got first dibs, pillow’s ours punk, why don’t you try the couch, that’s if Momo and ‘em haven’t gotten there first, u always late punk!!”

But as they say, everything has a positive side to it, so here’s the plan;

Am going to fence off bits of the kitchen and bathroom plus pillow area, and start rearing these roaches, for export to the Ug police. If they jam to buy my shit here, al take them to Burundi then export them to the Uganda police as “exotic breeds”! I will use some zero grazing shit to ensure these pests are the best breed the police can find, heck, I will bomb down the company that manufactures Doom and Farco rapid kill, messing up my business plans!

So here’s how it works;

Rats and roaches are taken to Sandhurst academy, where they hob nob with the Muhoozi’s of this world. They are taught sniffing techniques, and are also taught how to report to their handlers. A roach will probably turn to the right, left, then do a back flip, as a signal to the handler that it has indeed sniffed some ganja in this planter’s lugguage! A rat will wag it’s tail and give a thumbs up sign to indicate it has sniffed some deadly explosives in Osama Bin Hiding’s lugguage!

Rats will also be used to control riots, whereby they will be un-lash en-masse to these rioting pumpkins, tickle their feet to the extent that they give up, not only the riot but the entire cause “fuck this federo bullshit, av never laughed this hard, way to go rodents!!!”, the chaps will be heard proclaiming.

As I type this, a very small “Cock roach” has just emerged from this keyboard, it seems the chattering noise just awoke the little bastard. Am keeping this one and will hopefully find a “Hen roach” and take them to the new breeding grounds.

Talk about “tapping into opportunities”. (Sunday Monitor & Vision, Page 2)