Satan's agents - Marketers!!

Marketers – an evil bunch that should do the world a favor and overdose themselves with rat poison!! What a bunch!!

These evil pranksters are on the prowl 24 hours a day trying to trick you into giving their company a profit, and they get paid a silly and rather miserly 10% commissions for each sale “closed”.

The bastards have infested all institutions and have FULL departments ranging from Bank of Uganda to even the Civil Aviation Authority! Why does the CAA have a marketing department? We have 1 freakin airport!! And it’s empty half the time! Who are they convincing to land there?

This rant (aren’t they all) has been provoked by the phone call I received, Wednesday!

“Toooot…..tooooot….”

“elo”

“Hello Sir, goodmorning, am I speaking to (that bastard guy!!)”

“Oh yes you are…..and this is?”

“Well, my name is Albert, am calling from(insert any of those fool's name here) bank, first of all ad like to express my greatest appreciation that you have chosen us. However, I’d like to let you know that we have several bank products designed specially for you that I would like to bring you to the know about…”

“a huh…do tell….do tell..”

“very well sir, I see here in your account that you receive a fixed amount every end of the month. Did you know that we at (insert the idiot’s bank name here again) can give you a personal loan of up to 10 times this money you are earning, and you are allowed to pay it back in a period of up to 10 years……no strings attached?”

“really, not even 27% interest rate which doubles to 54% per day of the month that you miss out in payment? How about that letter from my employer that says all my benefits go to you the second I get fired! How about that 7% “insurance fee” you deduct from my account to make that “loan” safely risk-free from you in case shit happens to me? You freakin’ wanker!!!! Piss off now, before I spoil the rest of your miserable day!”

What’s the deal with marketers? These guys have now started “consultancies” and are advising every existing business how they need a marketing department to do “marketing strategies”, “market segmentation research”, “demographic pattern of possible buyers”, “price discrimination policy implementation forecasts”…..bitch, you are selling milk!! What’s with all the big words?

Does everything have to have a price? Even getting directions from SMS media costs you 200 bucks!

The clowns at UBL, just before they all come out posing in their bu Mitsubishi pick ups, spend entrie Monday mornings in “brain storming sessions” on how to “capture market share” and their powerpoint presentations show “various sales trends”.

All that these monkeys need to do is avail a cold pint at every corner, and we shall buy 'em! There is no magic to it! No powerpoint presentation will make us buy warm beers. And oh, make the price reasonably cheap, don’t stress your ass out with “projections”!

These beer guys are complicating life for all of us, fighting over the shape of a bottle! How about you fight over the quality of the beer? Alcoholic punks!!

The airtime fellas are the worst! It seems they have a department that grills them on “arrogance and self-aggrandisement”…..something like;

“boys, before you go out there to sell these products, remember you represent a global organization. Anything you say, do or imply, will reflect on the company image, so please, walk around like everyone else is beneath you, coz, truth be told, they are!!! You are the one in a Ford Icon, who the hell are they? Just make sure they buy our products…kapish!!!”

Selfish bastards!!

Out - for a cold pint!!

Any offended marketer should simply buy me a pint - and airtime!