Burglars just got smarter!!!

Getting dimes is getting easier these days……iron bar hitmen went back to computer school, and they were not there to learn C+ or Java or bullshit Cisco, they were there to learn hacking. Ok, they were already hacking with their iron bars, but now they wanted to hack with their freakin’ keyboards.

See I recently helped some chap open an email address (the bugger paid 50 thou for that, thanks Gmail for that crate of pints!), then he came panting to my whereabouts, “you guy, how can you do that to me??? That I am broke?? Why are u telling people this?”

“ey punk, slow yo roll, let’s go through this from the start, like “sowing the bastard seed, the guy didn’t just start by saying “then I was sworn in…” nope, it was a story from childhood….now shoot, punk!”

“ok, I got a call this morning from Zambia saying I had sent an email and I was stark broke, mbu I need money, u are the only one with my email password!!”

This quickly reminded me of a post I forged a few posts ago, as if some Nigerian had messed me up, kumbe the shit actually happens to real people we know! This punk had just been “iron barred”, “hacked”, “IT-ed”.

I asked the punk when he last checked his mail, he said 3 days ago, in an internet café, and so I asked whether he remembered to sign out….he asked “what is sign out???” This was the moment I punched him…..if only it wasn’t in my dreams, instead I just told him some chap had found his email open, simple shit!

So here is what happens if you are not as silly as that silly mangoose that left without signing out (and am not an iron bar chap)

U will be at a wedding meeting, fining buggers for wearing red shoes and coming in late, collecting chairman’s bag as if the chairman guy is broke, auctioning a lighter and fetchin a milli in the process, then by some error, some guy leaves his flash disk on that chair next to yours, and disappears. U will be super excited “shit, the 1GB flash av always wanted, let me go see what snaps this guy has before I erase the shit and upload my pics”, what u wont know is that the flash disk has a program that automatically loads onto your pc as soon as you plug in that flash and start blasting on that folder of “Bujagali weekend….a blast from the past!” The program has just stuck onto your pc like a cheap suit from “select garments”, and it is known as a “key logger”.

What this “tight marker” program will do is spy on whatever you type on yo keyboard. They are very hard to uninstall like the freakin NRM government, and are designed not to be seen by the victim, like the real iron bar hitmen behind yo gate, chilling in that Christmas tree wearing black pillow cases on their heads and ignoring all mosquito bites!

So, what the key logger does is memorise EVERYTHING you have typed, then send an email, to me the smart thief, with all the shit you have typed, and now we ALL know that yo facebook password is “orgasm!!”, you ballistic chick you!!!! So I will then check yo facebook stuff, and probably change yo status to “single” while at it!

Another way the hitmen will get to you is not by leaving the flash disk, but remotely, using some laser beams and shit, if only we could hook up chicks like this, Kagu’s granddaughter would have been taken by now!

Ofcourse brighter hitmen have gone ahead and made sites that look exactly like facebook, one is called “fuckbook” and the other “koobface”, so if you don’t be seeing what site it is u are exactly messing with, u are hand delivering yo passwords to we lazy chaps that want to drive real range rovers, not just putting stickers on our bicycles of “my other car is a range rover” (copied without permission from the comments section).

So, in case yo computer is behaving badly…..like if it refuses to take breakfast, or take the regular 1 shower a day, attempt to call the “spam busters”, and don’t fear to say u want some “spam” removed from your hard disc……………………..we’ll understand!