Thursday, January 28, 2010

I'd like an iPad!! Regular please...

The chaps at Apple, no, not the stuff the snake made Adam and Eve share, before they got full knowledge that they had spent their entire lives doing kimaansulo for God, Jesus, and the chaps that used to watch E! on the TV stations back then, but Apple, the IT company, have unleashed a new product known as the iPad! Most of us (ok, just me and a couple of other broke fellaz) are still blasting on the iPod shuffle, the one of 512MB, made in 2005, and we are posing like a problem!

The good thing is, when you do a quick search on this so-called revolutionary widget, or gadget, you only land on jokes about this so-called phenomenal product, coz it does sound like a sanitary pad, hence;

“I’m not buying an iPad! Period!”

“They should have just called it the TamPod!”

“This gadget costs bleedin’ money!”

“Should I go to an Apple store or a feminine isle at the supermarket to buy an iPad?”

“After this, Apple is launching the iMaxiPad and iTampon!”

“How can I get one of these……no strings attached?”

“Don’t worry Steve Jobs, this will all be over in a small period of time”

“Hope there are no bugs with security. Wouldn’t want anything embarrassing leak from my iPad!”

“iPad, now with bleeding edge technology”

“iPad, helping people to deal with 24 hour news cycles”

Yeah, I know, don’t have to rub it in so much, but I never even thought of any of those, simply copied and pasted.

Ugandan posers will now be seen on facebook yapping about this new gadget as if it is ballistic. The thing looks like a laptop but quite thin, wonder how u shall be carrying it around the taxi park, with background lights and all, oh, it’s got a cover!! Ah what the hell, maybe u can afford the 500$, sawa, wish you the best in this new period of gadget wizadry!

Of course some chaps are out there defending this name, saying they should have made fun of mousepads too, and pads of paper, and that these are just like the usual lame fart jokes, but what the hell, those are the Ofwono Opondo’s of Apple, will say anything to make it (their employers) look better!

Speakin of new products, when was the last time anything was ever “unveiled” down here? Chaps at Jua Kali invented some shit that pounds groundnuts in seconds, but never to go to Serena for the “unveiling”, which probably explains why village chaps are still using pestles (remember that shit?) to break their backs in an attempt to make a meal, yet the gadgets were unleashed, but with no guarantees, so if you get shocked just trying to plug it to power, that’s entirely yo-wa shit!

Pepsi has been posing on us with “mountain dew”, complete with buses and mini buses runnin’ around town promoting “their new drink”, kumbe they are just bottlers. Coca cola has brought “Schweppes Novida”, but the way they are parading themselves around one would think their master “brewer” came up with this shit! Zain over posed with the “blackberry”, one would be forgiven if he thought they were made at their Wampewo offices.

So because we haven’t un-val anything, no material from me, plus, this post really has no direction, just to keep the bloody blog alive!! Out!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

We're Rich Bitch!!

ALL this time I had NO clue we were this rich, am talking about Uganda, the pearl of dimes! It was announced early today, by none other than the richest in the pearl, the Foreign Minister, a one Sam Kuteesa, that we were joining the bandwagon of rich individuals and nations in donating money to Haiti.

Not to miss yet another opportunity to be seen on the front page of the newspapers, at whatever cost, lousy but somehow commercially ok as-if musician Bobi Swine also added his name to the list of chaps doing something for Haiti. Just like the last time when the lumpen promised Owino market traders 20 million bucks, if any fool dared buy his over-rated bunch of metal with weed leaves all over it’s dashboards, full and well knowing no one would buy it, this pumpkin has promised a concert at the end of next month, when ALL this fracas will probably be over, proceeds of which will go to Haiti victims, yes, ALL the 200,000 shillings that’ll be left over. Clown!! Well, he got the front page he badly craved, now he is on to the next circus parade.

Back to Uganda, and their lousy and rather miserly contribution. Watching CNN last week, the list of contributors was a Hollywood thingy, with Angelina “big lips” Jolie and her adopted son Brad Pitt contributing 1 million dollars, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Bill Clinton and some other characters you don’t really give a shit about also raising dimes in the region of a million dollars each, heck, even chaps through their phone networks sent dimes to Wyclef Jean, until they said he was using that same charity to organise his last few concerts, hence him coming out and crying like a little baby wanting more SMA gold, at a hastily arranged press conference.

As the millions in dollars were still racing in, and featuring on CNN and other big networks, Uganda, not wanting to miss a chance to also be counted among the “who is who” of the world, today woke up with their own BIG announcement, a donation to Haiti.

Al Jazeera, BBC and CNN Inside Africa quickly called up Emirates Airlines and booked first class tickets to send their international correspondents to hurry up and be the first to cover this event, so they could let us, the viewers, be the first to know! White chaps with television equipment were seen taking lifts up and down the Serena hotel setting up their systems, attaching mics to their ears so they would transmit the happenings LIVE goddamit!!

It was around this time that the Hon Sam Kuteesa walked into the room, with a swagger that would make Bill Gates quiver in the knees, like a servant (Ofwono Opondo) whose master (Kagu) has just walked in.

Then the announcement!

“Thank you all for coming, as u know, we have always been pan-africanists, and we shall always stand by our brothers in their hour of need…..”

Christian Amanpour’s assistant was seen frantically trying to get a hold of her boss, so they could stream this announcement live.

“Well, unlike Senegal, we shall not be calling Haitians to come live here, but through the African Union, we can always find places to accommodate those that want to leave Haiti and come to Africa. It’s with this kind heart from the people of Uganda that I announce a contrution of 100,000 US Dollars to the people of Haiti……”

“What?? Excuse me Sir, I’m Hossan Hassan from Al Jazeera, I think I heard that wrong, did u say 100 million US Dollars?”

“No, 100,000 US Dollars!”

“Sir, George Clooney, alone, contributed 1 million Us Dollars, is this your personal contribution?”

“As I said before, this is the contribution from the kind hearts of 33 million Ugandans!”

“This is some bullshit, we just spent 200,000 US Dollars to come for some announcement of 100,000 US Dollars!! Am outta here!”

What mattered was, we were on TV, international TV! When chaps were literally STARVING to death in Teso last year, all they were told was to eat mangoes and steal food from neighbours, I guess that 100,000 Dollars wouldn’t have helped much, and that Bobi Swine fellow didn’t even hastily organise a concert, what a bunch! WBS just doesn't cut it, now does it?

For God and my TV!

Monday, January 25, 2010

This Is It!! Or Is It?

If you have MEGA plans for 2012, u better change yo dreams! Well, that’s if u watched that excuse of a movie 2012 (very many thanks to cable, I had failed to raise 13 g’s when it premiered in December, heck, I haven’t even got the dimes for Avatar now goddamit!)

This silly (and rather nauseating) movie is as usual, about an American punk, a mere limo driver (as if Imelda Kula’s husband) and also a science fiction author (as if Bishop TD Jakes) stumbles upon a hush-hush US government project (he bribed some presidential advisor) to save all genetically gifted and the heavily dimed American chaps from an impending catastrophe (as if Haiti and Katrina combined, only that this one has more white people) that shall wipe out the entire world as we know it. The world, as usual, is New York, Paris, some bits of Italy and well, some highways in Australia. Of course Africa as usual, has no landmark (except starving kids and flying bullets, and oh, some machetes along the way) and therefore doesn’t feature in the destruction of the world.

So when this taxi-driving bugger lands on this plot, he runs off to save his ex-wife (oba why, that’s why they call it ex, bitch!) and their kids (and deliberately leave his mother-in-law locked up in the garage). From here on, the ground starts breaking apart, matter of fact, everywhere this bugger steps, an explosion goes off just 2 inches behind, when he touches a building, it collapses like the twin towers, he goes on a plane, the run way just splits up! (If you are a sucker for plot in a movie, just drop by Cine 2 and probably catch “My brother’s keeper”, otherwise, this is just about explosions, bombs, and yet anatha American hero).

At the end of the movie, the American, plus the other most important people in life, American punks, survive. The rest of us guys, have meanwhile died, like roaches feasting on doom spray in their cupboard hideouts!

This movie revolves around a prediction by the Mayan civilisation, that says the world will end in 2012, a prediction that they made about 200 years before they were wiped out like viruses in a quarantined area, wonder why they couldn’t predict their own demise (the rocks that they used to write predictions on must have run out of space when they got to 2012).

These white chaps, why do they have to profit from scaring people all the time? They had Y2K in 1999, making chaps buy Anti-viruses by the drum loads, and nothing came to pass. They then sent Kibwetere leaflets to murder chaps in the name of the world ending. Then they made blockbusters like “Independence Day”, “The Day after Tomorrow” and “Dante’s Peak”, all showing the end of life as we know it (As in New York, Washington and London, and a bit of Paris, just to legitimise the word world), but the beginning of their richness, through we buggers that be queuing up at Cineplex.

Another confused bugger wrote a book titled “The Bible Code”, sold so big, he even did part 2. What this confused Jew bugger was doing was “interpret” the Torah, that’s the Bible in Hebrew. The chap apparently uses some mathematical calculations that bring up a series of sentences, and he claims he saw “twin towers 9/11”. The punk, who must think humans are probably the densest chaps that ever existed (he’s partly right, coz the part 2 of the book sold like a billion copies) goes on to say that the bible, through codes, showed that “George W Bush wins election, Al Gore Supreme Court”, what a bunch of pansies!

Why cant this bugger just look through the bible and tell us if FDC has any chance at next year’s election, or the bible only deals with US stuff and their bullshit? Or if Tiger Woods will come back to golf (Not that we give a rat’s ass but just for just)? Or maybe if Spanish soaps will stop being bought by Ugandan TV networks as if “Sanford and Son” dvd’s cant be found (yeah, American too, but quite funny!)

Sunday, January 24, 2010

In the Noose this week!!

Newspaper editors are making us (we chaps who remove staples, read the damn papers and staple right back) very pissed, neva mind we don’t pay (see brackets preceeding these brackets to confirm that both stuff in the brackets conform, then leave brackets and continue with the damn story, will ya? Sench u for yo-wa co-operation)

This entire week has been full, and without any sensible reason, of these 10 year olds that have just gotten their PLE results. Next week, we shall be chocked down our throats with O Level results. Matter of fact, even ENTIRE lists of those graduating from whichever of the existing 20 universities are printed in the national papers! What crap!! We want news goddamit, that’s why we call them news-papers, not announcement papers!

Here is a brief look at what my newspaper would look like, if I discovered that these silly results thingies sell;

1- West Nile’s best could miss secondary

In what seems like a Mel Gibson movie where the main star has to seriously get fucked up like a freakin little criminal, John Starks (the main character of this plot) who apparently was the only chap to score aggregate 4 in the ENTIRE West Nile region (this is some bullshiee) might not go on with secondary school coz his parents dimes are way to low to pay for the stuff this ka bright chap may need to get that engineering degree he is still dreaming of. On learning this, John has since reduced his dreams to vehicle mechanic maintanace as-if engineer but just a mechanic, as the technical schools nearby could take him on for little dimes. You can help him though, by contacting our offices, you nice guy you!!

2 – Mityana’s best wants to be priest, and probably pope, if he continues with this "best" stuff

Wilson Kasozi, one of the hardest chaps outta Mityana (erm, it’s somewhere in the middle of Uganda, as if near Lake Kyoga) says he wants to be a priest. In a strange twist of events (most best chaps say doctor, engineer and other stuff that needs lots of reading, and not reading facebook walls, but real books) this guy ought to be the first chap we have heard of that did well at school, but aims for some stuff that doesn’t require lots of brain, but faith. Apparently he has been inspired by the school’s parish priest, whom he used to do housework for, and probably spend a few night’s in his arms, and eat chocolates and stuff from this guy, coz that’s how they roll bitch!

3 – Mukono’s best wants to be engineer

Yeah, and so did ALL of us. Well, if he gets to secondary school and joins interact club or the debate club, his wishes will be turning to Lawyer and Mass Comm graduate as the years gradually pass by, however after A level, he shall have settled for Social Circus at any campus, so this headline shall have been a waste of ink.

4 – Jinja’s best prayed to God

Kikwete Alex scored aggregate 6 but was Jinja’s best, he attributed this to his daily prayers to God for success. No wonder the ka idiot got 6, he could have gotten a 4 if he just read his books instead!

“God, whats up, its me Alex yet again, I have sent many prayers but you are not replying, is Warid down? Anyhoo, I have just been passing through this science book and I can assure you, stuff beez tight!! I still cant figure if the fish breathes through the fin or through the gills, that one, I tell you, has jammed. So what you can do for me player, well, just sort out these examiners so they don’t ask about fish, sawa?? Laterz dude!!”

See, that’s how you get 6 punk!

5 – Kaliro’s best attributes success to canes

First off, where the hell is this Kaliro place? Am sure they got lots of forests and twigs to cane these bu boys! This chap (Kaliro’s so-called best) must aspire to be a pastor, or a pastor’s assistant, coz no one likes a hot butt more than pastors, he could do very well for himself in that area. Since caning has been banned from most of the major sensible schools, this guy is sure going to flunk his A levels coz he may have nuttin to inspire him from now on, he should probably give his dimes to West Nile’s best.

After my PLE (I was Wakiso’s 987th best), these New Vision bastards didn’t even want to know what I wanted to be. I would probably have said pilot, coz those posers walk into airport terminals like movie stars with 5 BALLISTCLY BALLISTIC escorts wheeling suitcases, but then again what the heck, with aggregates like 17, who gives a shit what your retarded ass wants to be? Oh, I know, a POLITICIAN!! (they are ALL accepted here).

A teen's blogpost y'all!!

The so-called queen’s language is taking interesting dimensions, as new slang crops up every other generation. In our hip days, females were known as kyanas, or byana, depending on what school you went to. We have since adopted to chicks, while the little irresponsible midgets / brats refer to them as shawties now.

Having a conversation with these retarded (and mostly broke) punks can easily send you into a comma as a result of a brain overload to the part of the brain responsible for putting interpretation to words, just imagine these lumpens get a website where they interview the vice-president;

Q: Yo dawg, wass cracka-lackin hommes?

VP: Did you just call me a dog?

Q: Peep this man, this cat don’t know a dawg dude!!

VP: Did you just call me a cat?

Q: Yo Chill out hommes, we just wanna get the low down on the peeps that be takin facebook snaps of ya’lls papayas dude!!

VP: Get these idiots out, NOW!

Q: Yo Chill out son!

VP: Am not yo son...!!!

So Mr VP, don’t be so concerned, but yo PR chaps should have warned you, this is the new lingo, adopt or retire. Let me do what yo highly paid PR’s should have told you before accepting interviews from the juvenile lumpens, yeah yeah I know u are a busy cat, and you have to leave, but al be done in a jif, see, that’s even shorter than a jiffy!

Lumpen: Dawg, y’all must be a mean cat, yo pimp hand is way strong, y’all have survived almost three-zo playa-hatin’ attempts on yo ass dude;

Interpretation: Just Chill out, what this circus reject is trying to say is that you have some very tactical ways (pimp hand) of dealing with your political detractors (player haters) and have survived three (three-zo) attempts at yo VP seat.

Lumpen: Peep this yo, those mo-foz done messed up and taken snaps of dem papaya fruits and posted them up all over the media crib dude, but yuz is a cool cat, always to sneak outta there as a fresh animiz y’all;

Interpretation: Just Chill out man, what this bed-wetting punk is portraying is that despite the fact that these guys took photographs of yo paw paw trees so they report on you to the press that you have massive wealth, you came out of the scandal on an as-is where-is basis, some mahogany stuff dude;

Lumpen: Yo dawg, gots some low low that yo side-shawtie hoochie mama was up to no good, trippin all over the press that you done flicked her ass back n forth, rocked her world like a darn rodeo jerk, and u done messed her marriage dude, what’s with that steeze player?;

Interpretation: The half-wit moron’s question here basically is that some chick (shawtie) has been to the papers saying she had sexual relations (flicked her ass) with you, and stuff of the like, so what would you say to that, and also, you are not a sportsman (player) and also, JUST CHILL OUT man!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Sperm....Spam mail!!

Spam mail is on the rise. I be getting weird mails from this chick Lisa, who is insisting that I view her pics. Then I be getting invites from “FuckBook”, mbu Jackie wants to be your friend. The Viagra guys however send spam, or is it sperm, on a daily. Cheap Viagra is what they say, wonder how they figured I needed this shit. “Enhace your guy: Add 5 inches now, free monthly trial inside” are the other ridiculous messages featuring in the inbox, it’s just weird when I be opening mail in a café and have to hide these things.

There is however this mail that came marked as spam, but I was not sure. I even resigned from any obligations I had to do for the next 30 years coz am goin to be rich, am goin to be on Forbes magazine “top 10 African billionaires” the title will scream. See there is this guy Uche Ukowchuku, he is a nephew to Sani Abacha, the guy that coincidentally died from a Viagra attack, I think his ghost is the one sending those Viagra mails. So this Uche character says he has FINALLY, after years of legal battles, managed to get some 30 million pounds…..get that? 30 million pounds!! That’s what the next 50 or so wannabees in the next 50 or so lousy Big Brother show winners will earn, combined, in the next 200 years, but am going to get it now!!

I told a couple of chaps, including the landlady of my palatial iron-sheet thatched bungalow to organise the land titles, deeds and all those other documents that show she owns the house, coz I was goin to OWN it in the next couple of hours, all I had to do, was type my bank account details, my passwords for my email accounts and facebook account, and also some money through western union to facilitate the transfer of 30 million pounds to my account, just that he would want to remove 20 million, so I was going to keep 10!

After sending these details, I waited around the place for the mail to tell me to run to the bank, and luckily, I was at the café at Nakumatt, and my account is at KCB Nakumatt, so the dimes would be seconds away as soon as this chap confirmed, and yes, I had sent the dimes through Western Union KCB to facilitate this deal, total input, 300,000 ug bucks, for a cool return of 10 million pounds, more than soccer player’s monthly wages combined.

The café attendant saw me pace up and down so he came over to see “what was up”, I told him I intended to buy the café, so he should be very nice if he still wanted his job! After inquiring what the hell I was exactly up to, I printed out for him the mail from Uche, and showed him the payments I had made, he said it was a scam, but I told him the “just because Uche picked ME, not HIM, was the reason for his rather weird remarks, this was for real.

Within the next 20 minutes, I got a call from one of the characters in my gmail inbox, inquiring why I went to New Zealand without telling him, and how I got stuck at the airport, and why I still need money in New Zealand yet I was answering my phone here in Kampala!

My goodness woolooloo, it hit me! SHIT! I had been scammed!!! Spammed!!! Flim-flammed!! Hoodwinked!!

So fellaz, am in the process of apologizing to all the clients I told to sod off to hell with their bu-little dimes! I am sorry Landlady for saying yo house was shit and I was goin to fix it! I am sorry café boy for saying I could pay yo three months salary in 2 hours’ time!!

Lets end with a popular Nigerian sayin’ chineeke ooohh, u are a foool-oo, trostin os nogerians-oo!!!

Out to change bank details.

(this story has definitely been falsified to give the impression that I had a ballistic day, don’t be a foool-ooo like me-oo!)

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Wrong arm of the law!!

Saddam Hussein's notorious cousin Ali Hassan al-Majid, known as Chemical Ali, was convicted on Sunday in Baghdad, Iraq, and sentenced to hang for ordering the 1988 attacks against the Kurdish town of Halabja that killed more than 5,000 people in clouds of poisonous gas. It was the fourth death sentence for al-Majid.

Ali Hassan had on an earlier judgement received five death sentences for genocide, crimes against humanity (specifically wilful killing and extermination), and war crimes (intentionally directing attacks against a civilian population). He was also sentenced to multiple prison terms ranging from seven years to life for other inhumane acts.

Now how on earth are these guys going to pull this off? Let’s see. The first conviction said he should be hang, then the second involved gassing his ass to oblivion, the third probably a firing squad, the fourth, well, maybe starve him to death. This bugger has been sentenced so many times to death, there is no chance of a presidential pardon, even if it would help the prez get a third term.

This is how I think it will go down;

First, they are going to drag him downtown to where Sadam was hanged, then hang him up high and kick off the stool on which he shall be standing, causing him to freefall and snap his neck like a twig off a Christmas tree, yeah, those we used to snap off to brush our teeth while vacationing at Mt Muhavura.

After this, some witch doctors shall be called to resurrect his ass back to life, “cause we ain’t done with the villain yet”, then he shall be shot to death, to fulfil the wishes of the second court that sentenced him.

Before he can say the words “allah akubar”, his soul shall be caught by some mosquito nets they shall have set up right above the execution guillotine, and he shall be returned to life, coz he still has "2 more death sentences to serve godmmit". His frail self shall then be dragged to the electric chair, where he shall serve his fourth death sentence, but they wont really let him go this time, coz the last sentence has to be served too. But that’s the tricky part, coz in the midst of all this, he also has multiple prison terms of 7 years to life!

How do judges do this shit? They are supposed to be so called learned fellows but the shit they sometimes pull off exposes their stupid side. Like the chap they sentenced to 4 life times in jail! Who thinks of this shit? Do they know “you only live once?”

According to legal brains (that’s how the buggers pose on us) I asked a few questions, a life sentence is 25 years in jail with butt-hungry homo-sapiens, also called butty boys! We don’t know if that applies here in Ug. It seems these sentences used to be carried out in the days when chaps like Abraham used to live till 900 years, but are still considered precedent in today’s cases.

Imagine if African presidents used to rule in the days of Abraham when u live till 900, removing term limits would be for every day, 5 million bucks every 4 years to amend the constitution, and Chemical Ali would have some relief that atleast he would be out, probably at 750 years old.

This is why I fear judges, and their ridiculous bullshit!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

You are what you read!!

There’s some stuff known as “reading culture” that is creepin into our society, it’s apparently good, according to those publishers “Fountain”, “Longman” and “Oxford”, who do nothing but print boring “text books” thinking we shall fall over ourselves buying that crap. Their titles include shitty ones like “A concise History of East Africa” and “Water-borne diseases of Equatorial Africa”, who reads this shit?

Next to boxers, the next favourite present chicks give chaps on their birthdays, before they split up and she returns for her stuff, are books, and not this shit from Longman. Recently, I stumbled upon a book called “The Secret” at some house (not published by Longman or Fountain) and proceeded to open it’s pages, since TV was showing “La Tormenta Del Edoso”, or somethn’ of the sorts, on virtually ALL channels (why cant DStv be free).

The first page of the secret was some handwritten stuff, “to you my sweet pie on yo bday, me n u forever babe!!! Love, ………..(insert chick’s name here)

Then the book itself.

It went on to divulge information which shall help you get through with the trials of life, in a nutshell, it was saying…..well, cant really say it, it’s a secret, you know!

Ah what the hell, let’s dissect the bloody thing already. The book claims, that all you need to do, is set yo mind to focus on what you want, and you shall have it, and this process is known as the law of attraction. I have since spent the last 3 or 4 days focusing on snaps of Tyra Banks!

This silly book further goes on to insult our intelligence by saying if you ever wake up and the toothbrush falls to the ground, then by the slightest you get pissed, then several bad shit is goin to come yo way the entire day, however, if you just smile coz the brush fell down, then the day will be as fantabulous as a Fido Dido Chocobar! There will be no traffic jam, there will be no chick in the ATM machine when you get there, the boss will be happy, yo soccer team will win…….blah blah blah.

These are some of the disadvantages the “reading culture” have brought, we tend to believe this stuff.

Looking at magazine racks, one only has to feel sorry for chicks, coz these mags do nothing but mess up with the only powerful tool a woman has at her disposal….self esteem! There’s a variety of them to mess up with chick’s heads, Marie Claire, Oprah, Flair, For Her and the winner of ‘em all, Cosmopolitan! These are women, writing to other women, how to please chaps.

Cosmopolitan for example (found in supermarkets all over the place) has some bullshit of “100 ways to make him happy”, and as a chap who is currently 100% behind the Bahati anti-gay bill (kill me now gay bastards!!) I wish I could get a chance to write for Cosmopolitan coz that title would change to “4 ways to keep him happy”, and they are;

1 – Let the chap pint till whenever

2 – Don’t get pissed coz he didn’t touch the supper – he had pork chops at Mateos godammit!

3 – Don’t check his messages – THEY ARE HIS!!

4 – Don’t set a marriage date 3 days after meeting the bugger!

That’s it!! Forget Cosmolpolitan!

Then “Flair” magazine of this month is talking bout “24 ways to please him in bed”, gee, are they that many? Like what? Get him a pint while you are at it? What’s with all this “advise?”

And where the hell are the men’s magazines? I wish I land on that mag that also has;

“24 ways to delete your messages, before she sneaks up on yo phone!”

“30 ways to have 6 chicks at the same time, and marry just 1”

“15 ways to avoid chowing the housegirl, pint or no pint!”

“How to become the king of Swaziland

“How to be in the opposition, and avoid rape charges”

“How to be Olara Otunnu”

“A million ways to know she’s fakin’ it

Now that would be a best-selling magazine.

What would Jesus do..........at yo wedding!!

“Toot toot tooot tooot….” the phone message tone went off, it was an early Wednesday morning, and the jam was piling up outside, coz it was 7 am, just after that over-rated eclipse. A phone is the most powerful tool, coz no matter what it is you are doin, you will always want to check what the message is. Tales have been told by Bernie Mac (RIP) of his time in the midst of a chow when the chick’s phone rang, and the bitch answered it, and was like;

“hello, what am I doing,…errm, nuttin……oooohhh…. what’s up?!!”

The urgency of this message therefore dragged me out of the sticky sheets to search for this nuisance, then opened tha damn thing, and found one of those “8008” thingies;

“We have attended ALL our friends weddings, now it’s our turn to have ours; U are therefore invited for Punk X and Punkess X’s weddings meetings this Thursday at Conclave Gardens, when you reach the Fene tree on Ntinda road, branch off to the right and drive till you see an old bus, that’s the place, bring a friend, u punk!!”

Since the bugger actually helped out at some wedding you were in charge of, you drag yo ass there, then see the budget, big shit I tell ya’. Decorations, filmography, music, venue……things are damn expensive these days, even the chick that places balloons around, in the disguise of “decorations” charges 5 million bucks these days.

The bible, the closest we have to that guy God, tells tales of large weddings, heck, even our very own ancestral tales have it that weddings lasted 6 days or so, matter of fact, when a prince married a chick from another kingdom, the 2 kingdoms would join up, so Kagu’s kid should marry Kibaki’s kid and all this Migingo bullshit shall be solved, just like that.

If only Jesus was present these days, guys would be booking him like those chaps that speak at introduction functions, coz this guy would single-handedly deal with all this craze of wedding meetings.

All one would need to do was to bribe some disciple, so he would bump up yo name on the list of weddings Jesus would attend, it wouldn’t matter that security at yo wedding would be tight, all yo phones would have to remain in yo cars, and the cameras would be confiscated by Jesus’ PGB chaps at the entrance of the wedding venue, which is probably the only thing you would be paying for, 6 millis for Munyonyo.

After confirming that Jesus would attend, you would then have to buy a few drums of water, and make sure they are different, some boiled water, some distilled water, some river water and some mineral water, that way, when the guy casts his fingers in magical jestures and turns the water into wine, you shall have different flavours, sweet white wine, dry white wine, sweet red wine and dry red wine (by the way, you wont have to pay corkage for this stuff, coz it’s already in the drums).

The next step would be for you to dash down to Hot loaf and buy some loaves of bread, then send some chap to Anderita beach to fetch you a couple of fish, 2 nile perch shall do the trick, coz with these, Jesus can feed 5000 people!

Now, with the food and drinks covered, there’s the matter of the church fee. Forget that shit. In yo midst, Jesus will not only pray for yo bloody wedding, he will go ahead and heal those old chaps that have found their way to the wedding, a double blessing, heck, he may even raise some chap that died and really wanted to be at the wedding, a Lazarus of sorts.

So fellaz, if you have already accepted Jesus in yo life, hope these miracles worked for ya!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Grey's Mulago Anatomy!!

It is January something-th 1965, and elevators have just been introduced to Mulago Hospital. Fast forward 45 years later, and nothing’s changed! This is a very big clue as to why the movie “Last King of Scotland” was heavily done in Mulago, all that the guys had to do was shoot the scene, then add some old cars to it!

Getting to this place reminds you that yes, the world will end, and you are goin’ to kick it! ♪Can I kick it…….yes you can!!♪ Where was we? Ah yech..the elevator!

Did you know that the Mulago elevator has an operator?? Me neither!! There’s a chap that sits there, so you have to tell him what floor you are headed to (they are like 5), then he pushes for you the button! This is great, I would NEVER have reached 3rd floor without the genius thinking of whoever put this guy there, coz getting to that button must be some hard shit!! This guy did industrial engineering goddamit, push a button? Now that’s some hard stuff!

Getting off the elevator (after trying not to breathe for like 5 minutes – germs and all), one enters a kind of flea market, all sorts of people just there on their floor – with their kids – and wires hanging from them to a nail on the wall, IV they call it. You’ve got to do some side-stepping moves to get through the crowd, coz the chap you know is in the “private wing”, which is a small cubicle at the corner of the ward.

It’s around this time that you ACTUALLY feel the malaria is kicking in, you feel nauseated and taste aspirin every second you breathe, and start asking questions like “why the hell did this guy get messed up? I should never have known him?” But that’s only if you are a Budo fella, they can’t stand this shit – mixing with poor folks! “Am Budonian goddamit, gotta sticker on the bumper of my car to show for it bitch!” they quip.

The so-called private wing ain’t that private, coz there’s 2 beds, and the other bed is occupied by some old chap, keeps coughing for air (ooooh, that’s so mean) and his equally old wife is trying to stuff brown porridge down his throat (ooohh, that’s so mea…..piss off conscience!)

Now you want to give this chap you came to visit his splash and take off, but the chick you are with starts asking stuff of “how are you feeling?” not good I’d suppose, I mean he just fell off a bike for christ’s sake. Then the card is unleashed “Get well soon you boda-riding punk you” didn’t we tell you to walk instead? He had a deal? Well how’s the deal going now? What? They cancelled it? What do you know! Next time be patient aaiit? Oh sorry, you are patient as we speak, hahaha patient, be patient, next time! (making fun of the sick will bring bad luck, if only you believe that shit!)

Time to leave “bodaboda” ward (fact: almost 5 boda accident victims enter this ward every hour, it was re-named boda-boda) and the side-stepping resumes, this time we have to use the steps, and some chap is spraying chlorine all-over the crib, smells like an empty swimming pool, but with a strange pungent twist, as if “Capital Pub”, so now you are falling sick for real, feels like food poisoning, but it’s the effects of the spray.

Now you vow never again to watch “House” or “Scrubs” coz hospitals ain’t that cool after all. Just pray you never get sick!

Jehova’s "rather annoying" Witnesses!!

It’s an early Saturday morning, taxi touts are wailing their voices hoarse as they call out for chaps right outside yo house (instead of just going for a kasiki – if the objective is to lose the voice), the room looks hazy (effects of the kasiki), then a bang on the door;

That shit of saying “who is it?” ended in the 90’s, these days we just open the door. Some ruggedy-looking character stares at you, expecting that you know him and his purpose;

“Goodmorning Sir, I am from blah blah blah ministries, could I take just 5 minutes of yo time?”

“What is this shit about?”

“Did you know that Jesus loves you?”

“Where the fuck is that guy? How did you get his number? Why didn’t he just call me to say so?”

“Oh, you know we have met so many of your kind, doubting Thomases, but we keep the faith, one day you shall accept him, Timothy chapte……..”

“Cut, cut, cut, cut that bullshit! Look, my neighbour may stand yo shit, but am not going to let you lecture me on your stuffs, I gotta headache, and I love the satan chap that made me blast all night, come back anatha time!”

“Ok, just keep these books atleast”

Then the chap leaves 2 books called “Watchtower” and “Awake”, y’all must have seen these nicely coloured little pamphlets, must cost a heavy dime. Then the articles just confuse the mind, the one I have now (latest edition, perks disadvantages of living next to the road, ah heck, these bastards will find you anywhere) has the following;

When was Jesus born; Was he really born in December? Does it really matter? Now this was some interesting shit! Finally someone believes Christmas was invented by Uchumi supermarket, so they hit their yearly targets in a month, so I attempted to read this stuffs, and it went thus;

THE exact date of Christ’s birth is not known,” says the Encyclopedia of Early Christianity.” These guys went ahead to bash chaps for celebrating the day that was apparently forged, and they even add that God him-u-selef told chaps not to watste time on this birthday stuff.

This leaves me TOTALLY confused! Chaps are walking door to door telling guys “oh shit, sorry, but what the first white guys told you is some bullshit, this is the real deal.

The biggest hard hitting one in the latest edition, is the article that says “being born-again is total bullshit” am pretty much sure these guys have a website with the same stuff, so all ye folks that think am on the usual 7th day absenteest stuff, you are wrong.

As a chap that hates competition, am getting really pissed with these jehovah buggers, ruining the flow of anti-establishment, coz when u are many (anti-christmas chaps), the whole thing becomes stale, so now I have to end that shit, and pick on someone else, to hell with those chaps, NEVER open for them your doors!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Sorry Sir...it's a security pre-caution!!

The security level has been heightened, to green, possibly from purple or magenta. At this rate, security organs (that sounds like the liver, lungs and other body organs) are going to run out of colours for the various security levels! When some Nigerian chap was caught with a bomb in his underwear (how serious could a piece of wire sharing space with pubic hair really be) the security level was heightened, even here at Bodaboda (the bar that looks like a home decoration showroom, as if Nina Interiors), bouncers were seen fondling boys testicles looking for wires in their panties, or boxers, depending on whether one was a pastor (panty-wearing fuckers) or corporatal buggers (boxer-wearing posers, how do I know, it’s the commonest gift from chicks these days, on these chap’s bdays).

When the Togolese footballers got themselves a bus ride through a hail of bullets, the security level at Iguana was increased, the Iguana bastards put 2 security men at the entrance with all sorts of gadgets to check we pint-loving chaps. And the level should have been reduced, coz why would these Togolese nuts drive into Congo? Even Kagu stopped at the border goddamit!

Going to the airport these days is such a disaster, and am not talking of the chaps that be leaving, am talking of the chaps picking up people. It used to be that when one was leaving, he would go through about 3 different checks, and the most one would do in the name of being checked was to remove a belt, meanwhile if you were just dropping someone, you would just walk downstairs and chill at the Crane cafeteria, no checks. Unfortunately we are now living in a global village, also known as United States. When the US bastards increase their security bullshit colours, we are quick to copy and paste. These days dropping someone off at Ebbs is crappy. The entrance to the terminal has a super sensitive machine, even a metallic button makes noise, so avoid wearing jeans, coz these bastards will think it’s a wire in the boxer, kumbe it’s just yo button.

Avoid having stinky feet, coz these days the shoes have to go off, kama what or what! If you are the bling bling kinda fella, a super retarded little midget that thinks Lil Wayne is a cool cat, yo gonna be in for the roughest ride of yo life, coz all that fake shinny shit on yo wrists, plus the large clock with a spinner hanging on your neck will have to get off, you’ll just be talking nonsense mbu “dawg dawg, y’all peeps need to chill me y’all, calm the fuck down man, this is how I roll dawg, I aint gonna blow shit up y’all, that steeze is for punk ass mo fos!!”

Just here 2 days back, an Air Uganda flight was re-called while en-route to Juba, apparently this was after a warning from US security agents. What’s with these guys, now they are tired of scaring their own people they have jumped on our shit! Am sure the shareholders of Air Uganda are still cursing these US buggers for making them waste fuel.

Some chap was saying we should stop using colours to grade security levels, coz colours don’t scare shit outta anyone, they should rank the threat by STD’s. So if a Nigerian punk, having failed to get dimes through your email, decides he wants to meet 78 virgins in heaven after blowing yo asses to smithereens gets caught with funny looking wires in his pants, and they are not earphones for his i-pod, the security level should be heightened to gonhorea, that way chaps will be like “ok, he may have a bomb, but we’ll survive at least”. Then if the threat is like the real deal, where the suicidal guys have even sent the dimes they received to their family, and now the family has bought an escalade to pose mbu now they are rich, then the threat should be put at full blown AIDS. Now that will scare the crap outta guys. They will be seen repenting for having been an active member of a sexual network, with nuns!

Alternatively, they should stop giving that horny royal bastard Mswati any more virgins. That bastard doesn’t need them, suicide bombers do! Apparently the promise of 78 or so virgins when they get to heaven after blowing themselves up, in a crowded place, where at least 1 american is present, is what gives them the nuts to do this shit. So if they could be persuaded to go and start new lives in Swaziland, they wouldn’t have to do this shit, that way we can walk in and out of bars, airports, buildings in town, without ever exposing our smelly socks!

Military Coporates!!

One of the best selling books of fiction (just about 3 levels after the bible, yes, fiction) is Tsan Tsu’s Art of War. This chap was giving military advise to war mongering Generals who believe we must live like those animals in Ngorongoro park, the ones that be slicing themselves up as seen on NatGeo wild.

Lions be chasing buffalos all day, and once they have the guy, they go ahead and make buffalo kebabs, buffalo steak, buffalo sausage and all sorts of ballistic meaty stuff, and drink down this roast with a toast of buffalo blood. We humans resort to this kinda behaviour when we have been pissed the fuck off and resort to arms, except Kony, we still have no clue what the hell this chap is angry about, otherwise we would have bought it for him, probably with global Fund dimes, fuck poor guys, they don’t have guns.

So anyhoo, Tsan Tsu was explaining all that shit of platoons, army structure, strategy and all that other stuff you see in movies, but only that this time, the book wasn’t talking about Americans winning every war they put in their movies.

Today however, this book is being used as a guidance kind of thingy, erm what’s that word, erm, tool, yes tool, guidance tool, had to do some corporate speak there. You see, organisations are now run like the military, like soz (have to stop hanging with little campus chicks at T1, they say "like soz" all the goddam time)

Strategy: Tsan Tsu says that when one goes to battle, the generals must first sit down, with maps, walkie talkies and shit, just in case they need to call the wife and say they wont be bringing milk that evening, but shall be dodging bullets in Garamba, or some shit like that (the Togolese punks should have read this, they should have known better not to drive through Congo, those punks) and map out a formula to flush out the guys they are fighting. They split the army into sections, battalions, platoons and divisions, one reporting to the other, each with it’s own commander, and an overall leader.

Corporatically speaking, these divisions include Finance, marketing and sales battalions, HR an Administration platoon, and the Managing Director’s office / Division. The wise ass leader is the bugger with the vision to tell you crap of where he sees the company in the next 5 years, because he has been decorated more than you, with an MBA, Doctorate and many other abbreviations you don’t click, including the BTAFCG (Buzz Teens Award For Cool Geezers). This leader’s authority is usually un-questioned, otherwise you will get a warning letter for “kumanyiira-ing the company visionary.

Tsan Tsu also tells us (we war generals) that we must use foot soldiers to gather intelligence from the communities, coz you can never win a war if the locals don’t like yo ignorant asses, y’all need public support, guns alone don’t do much.

Corporates call these guys sales executives. They went a big step further by taking this “foot soldier” thing too far, nga these bu guys can walk!! The blazing sun beez sending Ultra Violet rays straight into their brains, they are the un happiest job holders in Uganda, right after house maids, but before prostitutes and wanton whores.

They move around trying to be spies, looking for data on what the other company is doing so they do it, talking nice to possible clients (locals) to get them on their side, and once in a while, they go to the rival company seeking employment, with cv’s showing they have done this shit before, they are called defectors, but luckily they are not in the military, else they would have been shot, or clobbered to death with business cards.

As for strategizing, these days you walk in office and the bugger is like "evryone, gather around, today we have a brain storming strategy session, so, what's on your minds folks!"

Chaps that be surfing the net are usually corporatals, so am sure all ye folks are members of a certain battalion here or there, enjoy yo spying days!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Fuel management letters de-classified!!

The letter just lay there on the table, to be fair, it was all it could do. “Dear so-called manager”, it started, I was hooked!! I removed the collar hook that was attached to my new shirt and sat down to read it, the letter, not the hook! “Your incompetence baffles my mind”, it had gone on to add, I immediately knew that this was a good student of Shakespear. “The chutzpah, the guts, the balls you have to deny me this job are enormously gigantic….” I carefully filed the letter in the dust bin!

U may not get what am getting at, but in my managerial days (Yep, I roll like that), I had several letters from the employees, not the MBA type, seeing as they were gas peddlers, aka pump attendants, and I stumbled upon this file, and remembered that first letter, but these are the things you have to go through as an employer, sorry, manager of A’ level drop outs, no offense drop outs……none taken, I presume, so check it out;

To

Human Resource

Sir/Madam

I here by submit in my application into your office. I am Ugandan by nationality and religion by protestant. I managed to pass well S4 but failed to join higher level because of lack of school fees. So I requesting you to employee me I promises to work hard in everything. GOD BLESS YOU.

Yours truly,

Nantume Glorious

(Who the f**k names a kid Glorious? Like there were no baby name books at Aristoc!)


Then this wise ass;

APOLOGY FOR HAVING GIVEN OUT A WATERING CAN

I here by apologise for having given out a watering can to a taxi driver at around 2pm. I was kind of trying to help a stranded customer i.e taxi driver in particular, when he proved to not be co-operative at all. Here comes this guy in a situation whereby he is pressed against the wall and I was the only one who could save him, so I decided to get him out of the ditch in which he was stranded.

I offered the guy fuel in one of our cans and he promised to bring it back sooner than I thought he could. He left 10,000 with me as security, but to my utter disbelief, he came back at 6pm and that’s when all hell broke loose after the manager finding out that I had given it to him. In short, that’s what transpired and I apologise for the scene I created.

Kula Dante

(Oooohh cooool, am sure the mom had watched the Pirce Brosnan flick Dante’s peak, then named this little bugger of….sorry, bundle of joy!)

And then the chap attempting, but not a wise ass...

Statement of coaster

It was on Thursday afternoon a coaster came on my pump he told me put in for ten thousand then after he came back on my pump and he told me you diesel or petrol then I say that I put in petrol, then after he came to the manager around 6.47 that Enos he didn’t put for me fuel then I say that I put fuel, so I cant curr with coaster.

So am sorry for that manager am sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Thank you sir manager.

I pologyse for what I did to coaster manager I will never, never, never, never do it again, next time chance me manager.


Thank you sir manager.

Mugasa Enos

And finally….the winner (if u understand this, u are true management material)

RE – APPLOYG LATTER

I kindly apploige for having not possed that I will never do it.

Yours faithfully

Jackson Kato

And that was my morning. I apploige but i gots to go!!

7 ways to stay healthy!!

So you have made a resolution to keep healthy this year, or rather, just the first three weeks of the year before you get more important shit to do, like chill a café pap and read a novel or something along those lines, just chillin’.

You have no idea how to keep this resolution, but luckily for you, you have just stumbled upon something that will make this resolution a reality, just 7 simple steps to keep healthy, for as long as the resolution holds.

1 – Lose weight – A very common resolution, coming a close second to “stop smoking”. You have 2 options; the first, just walk along Kampala streets and look out for those posters saying “lose weight while still eating, call 075X-XXXXXX”. Look up that lumpen that owns that phone and he gets you some powder of sorts that he’ll tell you to add to yo meal, probably Johnson’s baby powder, but what the heck, you have faith in the chap. Or, u can just drag yo ass to one of the many “health clubs” in town, pay membership and use their gym facilities, never mind these “health clubs” have the best bars and roast pork right outside their gyms, irresistibly ballistic I might add, the roast that is, so u get to pay them to lose weight, then pay them again when yo done gyming, in the name of "2 sticks of pork, with accompaniments" to gain back the weight, bright chaps these guys.

2 – Get a checkup - See your doctor if you don't know your most important health numbers: cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar and BMI (body mass index). Just know that “consultation fees” have gone up to 35,000/=, and that’s before the guy gives you the magic numbers, that amount is just for “saying hi” to the doc. An alternative is to get a job with a corporate slave driver e.g banks and telecom chaps, they usually have medical insurance schemes, use it to the fullest. If the doctor bugger gives you 8 years to live coz of that high cholesterol stuffs, tell him you’ll pay him in the 10th year, that way, he has to figure a way to keep you alive longer.

3 – Eat healthy – So sorry campus chap (and recently employed bachelors), but rolex isn’t classified as healthy eating, for supper, lunch and breakfast all at once. Fine, it helps with that other resolution of “save dimes and rent my own house this year” but fucks up the resolution of “stay low on charcoal pieces in my food” and “eat less food packaged in polythene bags”.

4 – Sleep lots – If you are one of those unfortunate chaps that have a makeshift church outside yo home, burn the bitch down (the church), coz u need to sleep for 7 hours, forget Napoleon’s crap of 4 hours for men and 8 for women, its 7 to 8 for all. U be there in yo 6th hour of sleep, then u hear that “kumbaya” bullshit from across the road, and wonder whether these buggers have also cut short God’s sleep with their noisy praises, no wonder its so hot these days, God has no ample time to make nice weather coz some singing idiots keep waking him up and messing with his resting cycle, these Christians need to cool it down, the prayers that is!

5 – Drink less sugary stuff – Like a stale beer maybe, or Moonberg lager.

6 – Avoid eating in front of your TV – Av also hahad this one. Apparently being distracted while you eat is un healthy, probably the stomach is an attention craving little bitch that is so jealous of the TV and wants you to give it it’s all, never knew that!

7 – Eat lots of veggies and fruits – If you cant come across cabbages and carrots by day's end, get some grass from the compound and steam the stuff, and not Bobi Wine’s kinda grass, but the stuff that chaps use to make brooms.

Monday, January 4, 2010

I'd rather be blogging!!

Phewks, the damn holidays are over, till March or April when these god chaps remind us that Jesus died, again, and resurrected, AGAIN, and chaps will be falling over themselves at Uchumi trying to get their paws on caricatures of easter bunnies to take easter eggs to their kids, and later on in the year, chaps shall be flooding “wherever it’s happening” with weird costumes mbu its Halloween, and then next will be the turkey-slicing craze, of sijui thanksgiving!! I vote in favour of returning colonialism, why did we ever kick out the British and their “nice ways”, only to try and practice the same shit all by ourselves?

In the spirit of maintaining this culture, we shall have new year’s resolutions, as made by everyone else; I personally promise to remain a skunk!!

1 – Politicians – We resolve to steal dimes in a more discreet way. We promise not to build houses here in Ug where everyone can see and question which projects the dimes came from.

2 – That chap at the Ministry of Education – I promise not to employ any more relatives in the Ministry. I had even appointed my mom to do some stuffs with the UPE project but now she’s on her own.

3 – That 12 year old ka girl at Kitante – I promise not to look at boys.

4 – That broke chap at yo office, ati office messenger – I resolve to work REAL hard this year, this is the last year for this brokenness bullshit!

5 – That corporate chap – This year, I have to get one more degree – oh, and a promotion.

6 – That corporate boss – This year, we shall hit all our targets, and get a 5 percent growth in sales, we shall achieve this by blocking facebook first!

7 – Opposition politicians – We shall abuse the President fewer times, and talk about real issues, well, fewer times too.

8 – Smokers – We SWEAR, we SWAGGER on our mom’s graves, this year, FOR REAL REAL, we shall stop smoking, if not, we shall reduce to 1 pack a day, but we SWEAR for real this time, forget the last seven new years we’ve been promising, this time, this is it!!

9 – Fat chaps – We shall exercise more this year, gym, sauna, what, we shall be there. MTN marathon, we shall be the first to register, burgers and that other Nandos stuff, to hell with them (although a dominoes pizza every after the workout never killed anybody).

10 – The 32 year old chick – I HAVE TO GET MARRIED!!! Oh, and have a kid too!

11 – The 25 year old graduate that just got a job at MTN – I shall get a girlfriend, and buy her a phone!

12 – Bebe Fool – I shall bring in the Hummer………eh eh maama its for rio rio……gwe this time am not playing those of those….kale u wait and see me, u will know who is big!!

13 – The ardent book lover – Try to understand the REAL message in The Secret!

14 – Porn collector – Collect as many porn movies as possible to elevate my religion to porn again status!

15 – The blogger – Ah well, what can we say, we’d rather be blogging as usual!

16 – Married buggers in sexual networks – We promise, SERIOUSLY, that we shall not drive our cars into trees outside our homes, chicks fall out a 'em godammit!!

17 – Single chaps – We shall trick all our married friends to knock trees, we want to pick up the chicks!

Resolution for blogger: Done!

Motivational Keynote Forgers

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