You are what you read!!

There’s some stuff known as “reading culture” that is creepin into our society, it’s apparently good, according to those publishers “Fountain”, “Longman” and “Oxford”, who do nothing but print boring “text books” thinking we shall fall over ourselves buying that crap. Their titles include shitty ones like “A concise History of East Africa” and “Water-borne diseases of Equatorial Africa”, who reads this shit?

Next to boxers, the next favourite present chicks give chaps on their birthdays, before they split up and she returns for her stuff, are books, and not this shit from Longman. Recently, I stumbled upon a book called “The Secret” at some house (not published by Longman or Fountain) and proceeded to open it’s pages, since TV was showing “La Tormenta Del Edoso”, or somethn’ of the sorts, on virtually ALL channels (why cant DStv be free).

The first page of the secret was some handwritten stuff, “to you my sweet pie on yo bday, me n u forever babe!!! Love, ………..(insert chick’s name here)

Then the book itself.

It went on to divulge information which shall help you get through with the trials of life, in a nutshell, it was saying…..well, cant really say it, it’s a secret, you know!

Ah what the hell, let’s dissect the bloody thing already. The book claims, that all you need to do, is set yo mind to focus on what you want, and you shall have it, and this process is known as the law of attraction. I have since spent the last 3 or 4 days focusing on snaps of Tyra Banks!

This silly book further goes on to insult our intelligence by saying if you ever wake up and the toothbrush falls to the ground, then by the slightest you get pissed, then several bad shit is goin to come yo way the entire day, however, if you just smile coz the brush fell down, then the day will be as fantabulous as a Fido Dido Chocobar! There will be no traffic jam, there will be no chick in the ATM machine when you get there, the boss will be happy, yo soccer team will win…….blah blah blah.

These are some of the disadvantages the “reading culture” have brought, we tend to believe this stuff.

Looking at magazine racks, one only has to feel sorry for chicks, coz these mags do nothing but mess up with the only powerful tool a woman has at her disposal….self esteem! There’s a variety of them to mess up with chick’s heads, Marie Claire, Oprah, Flair, For Her and the winner of ‘em all, Cosmopolitan! These are women, writing to other women, how to please chaps.

Cosmopolitan for example (found in supermarkets all over the place) has some bullshit of “100 ways to make him happy”, and as a chap who is currently 100% behind the Bahati anti-gay bill (kill me now gay bastards!!) I wish I could get a chance to write for Cosmopolitan coz that title would change to “4 ways to keep him happy”, and they are;

1 – Let the chap pint till whenever

2 – Don’t get pissed coz he didn’t touch the supper – he had pork chops at Mateos godammit!

3 – Don’t check his messages – THEY ARE HIS!!

4 – Don’t set a marriage date 3 days after meeting the bugger!

That’s it!! Forget Cosmolpolitan!

Then “Flair” magazine of this month is talking bout “24 ways to please him in bed”, gee, are they that many? Like what? Get him a pint while you are at it? What’s with all this “advise?”

And where the hell are the men’s magazines? I wish I land on that mag that also has;

“24 ways to delete your messages, before she sneaks up on yo phone!”

“30 ways to have 6 chicks at the same time, and marry just 1”

“15 ways to avoid chowing the housegirl, pint or no pint!”

“How to become the king of Swaziland”

“How to be in the opposition, and avoid rape charges”

“How to be Olara Otunnu”

“A million ways to know she’s fakin’ it”

Now that would be a best-selling magazine.