7 ways to stay healthy!!

So you have made a resolution to keep healthy this year, or rather, just the first three weeks of the year before you get more important shit to do, like chill a café pap and read a novel or something along those lines, just chillin’.

You have no idea how to keep this resolution, but luckily for you, you have just stumbled upon something that will make this resolution a reality, just 7 simple steps to keep healthy, for as long as the resolution holds.

1 – Lose weight – A very common resolution, coming a close second to “stop smoking”. You have 2 options; the first, just walk along Kampala streets and look out for those posters saying “lose weight while still eating, call 075X-XXXXXX”. Look up that lumpen that owns that phone and he gets you some powder of sorts that he’ll tell you to add to yo meal, probably Johnson’s baby powder, but what the heck, you have faith in the chap. Or, u can just drag yo ass to one of the many “health clubs” in town, pay membership and use their gym facilities, never mind these “health clubs” have the best bars and roast pork right outside their gyms, irresistibly ballistic I might add, the roast that is, so u get to pay them to lose weight, then pay them again when yo done gyming, in the name of "2 sticks of pork, with accompaniments" to gain back the weight, bright chaps these guys.

2 – Get a checkup - See your doctor if you don't know your most important health numbers: cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar and BMI (body mass index). Just know that “consultation fees” have gone up to 35,000/=, and that’s before the guy gives you the magic numbers, that amount is just for “saying hi” to the doc. An alternative is to get a job with a corporate slave driver e.g banks and telecom chaps, they usually have medical insurance schemes, use it to the fullest. If the doctor bugger gives you 8 years to live coz of that high cholesterol stuffs, tell him you’ll pay him in the 10^th year, that way, he has to figure a way to keep you alive longer.

3 – Eat healthy – So sorry campus chap (and recently employed bachelors), but rolex isn’t classified as healthy eating, for supper, lunch and breakfast all at once. Fine, it helps with that other resolution of “save dimes and rent my own house this year” but fucks up the resolution of “stay low on charcoal pieces in my food” and “eat less food packaged in polythene bags”.

4 – Sleep lots – If you are one of those unfortunate chaps that have a makeshift church outside yo home, burn the bitch down (the church), coz u need to sleep for 7 hours, forget Napoleon’s crap of 4 hours for men and 8 for women, its 7 to 8 for all. U be there in yo 6^th hour of sleep, then u hear that “kumbaya” bullshit from across the road, and wonder whether these buggers have also cut short God’s sleep with their noisy praises, no wonder its so hot these days, God has no ample time to make nice weather coz some singing idiots keep waking him up and messing with his resting cycle, these Christians need to cool it down, the prayers that is!

5 – Drink less sugary stuff – Like a stale beer maybe, or Moonberg lager.

6 – Avoid eating in front of your TV – Av also hahad this one. Apparently being distracted while you eat is un healthy, probably the stomach is an attention craving little bitch that is so jealous of the TV and wants you to give it it’s all, never knew that!

7 – Eat lots of veggies and fruits – If you cant come across cabbages and carrots by day's end, get some grass from the compound and steam the stuff, and not Bobi Wine’s kinda grass, but the stuff that chaps use to make brooms.