I'd rather be blogging!!

Phewks, the damn holidays are over, till March or April when these god chaps remind us that Jesus died, again, and resurrected, AGAIN, and chaps will be falling over themselves at Uchumi trying to get their paws on caricatures of easter bunnies to take easter eggs to their kids, and later on in the year, chaps shall be flooding “wherever it’s happening” with weird costumes mbu its Halloween, and then next will be the turkey-slicing craze, of sijui thanksgiving!! I vote in favour of returning colonialism, why did we ever kick out the British and their “nice ways”, only to try and practice the same shit all by ourselves?

In the spirit of maintaining this culture, we shall have new year’s resolutions, as made by everyone else; I personally promise to remain a skunk!!

1 – Politicians – We resolve to steal dimes in a more discreet way. We promise not to build houses here in Ug where everyone can see and question which projects the dimes came from.

2 – That chap at the Ministry of Education – I promise not to employ any more relatives in the Ministry. I had even appointed my mom to do some stuffs with the UPE project but now she’s on her own.

3 – That 12 year old ka girl at Kitante – I promise not to look at boys.

4 – That broke chap at yo office, ati office messenger – I resolve to work REAL hard this year, this is the last year for this brokenness bullshit!

5 – That corporate chap – This year, I have to get one more degree – oh, and a promotion.

6 – That corporate boss – This year, we shall hit all our targets, and get a 5 percent growth in sales, we shall achieve this by blocking facebook first!

7 – Opposition politicians – We shall abuse the President fewer times, and talk about real issues, well, fewer times too.

8 – Smokers – We SWEAR, we SWAGGER on our mom’s graves, this year, FOR REAL REAL, we shall stop smoking, if not, we shall reduce to 1 pack a day, but we SWEAR for real this time, forget the last seven new years we’ve been promising, this time, this is it!!

9 – Fat chaps – We shall exercise more this year, gym, sauna, what, we shall be there. MTN marathon, we shall be the first to register, burgers and that other Nandos stuff, to hell with them (although a dominoes pizza every after the workout never killed anybody).

10 – The 32 year old chick – I HAVE TO GET MARRIED!!! Oh, and have a kid too!

11 – The 25 year old graduate that just got a job at MTN – I shall get a girlfriend, and buy her a phone!

12 – Bebe Fool – I shall bring in the Hummer………eh eh maama its for rio rio……gwe this time am not playing those of those….kale u wait and see me, u will know who is big!!

13 – The ardent book lover – Try to understand the REAL message in The Secret!

14 – Porn collector – Collect as many porn movies as possible to elevate my religion to porn again status!

15 – The blogger – Ah well, what can we say, we’d rather be blogging as usual!

16 – Married buggers in sexual networks – We promise, SERIOUSLY, that we shall not drive our cars into trees outside our homes, chicks fall out a 'em godammit!!

17 – Single chaps – We shall trick all our married friends to knock trees, we want to pick up the chicks!

Resolution for blogger: Done!