Monday, January 11, 2010

Military Coporates!!

One of the best selling books of fiction (just about 3 levels after the bible, yes, fiction) is Tsan Tsu’s Art of War. This chap was giving military advise to war mongering Generals who believe we must live like those animals in Ngorongoro park, the ones that be slicing themselves up as seen on NatGeo wild.

Lions be chasing buffalos all day, and once they have the guy, they go ahead and make buffalo kebabs, buffalo steak, buffalo sausage and all sorts of ballistic meaty stuff, and drink down this roast with a toast of buffalo blood. We humans resort to this kinda behaviour when we have been pissed the fuck off and resort to arms, except Kony, we still have no clue what the hell this chap is angry about, otherwise we would have bought it for him, probably with global Fund dimes, fuck poor guys, they don’t have guns.

So anyhoo, Tsan Tsu was explaining all that shit of platoons, army structure, strategy and all that other stuff you see in movies, but only that this time, the book wasn’t talking about Americans winning every war they put in their movies.

Today however, this book is being used as a guidance kind of thingy, erm what’s that word, erm, tool, yes tool, guidance tool, had to do some corporate speak there. You see, organisations are now run like the military, like soz (have to stop hanging with little campus chicks at T1, they say "like soz" all the goddam time)

Strategy: Tsan Tsu says that when one goes to battle, the generals must first sit down, with maps, walkie talkies and shit, just in case they need to call the wife and say they wont be bringing milk that evening, but shall be dodging bullets in Garamba, or some shit like that (the Togolese punks should have read this, they should have known better not to drive through Congo, those punks) and map out a formula to flush out the guys they are fighting. They split the army into sections, battalions, platoons and divisions, one reporting to the other, each with it’s own commander, and an overall leader.

Corporatically speaking, these divisions include Finance, marketing and sales battalions, HR an Administration platoon, and the Managing Director’s office / Division. The wise ass leader is the bugger with the vision to tell you crap of where he sees the company in the next 5 years, because he has been decorated more than you, with an MBA, Doctorate and many other abbreviations you don’t click, including the BTAFCG (Buzz Teens Award For Cool Geezers). This leader’s authority is usually un-questioned, otherwise you will get a warning letter for “kumanyiira-ing the company visionary.

Tsan Tsu also tells us (we war generals) that we must use foot soldiers to gather intelligence from the communities, coz you can never win a war if the locals don’t like yo ignorant asses, y’all need public support, guns alone don’t do much.

Corporates call these guys sales executives. They went a big step further by taking this “foot soldier” thing too far, nga these bu guys can walk!! The blazing sun beez sending Ultra Violet rays straight into their brains, they are the un happiest job holders in Uganda, right after house maids, but before prostitutes and wanton whores.

They move around trying to be spies, looking for data on what the other company is doing so they do it, talking nice to possible clients (locals) to get them on their side, and once in a while, they go to the rival company seeking employment, with cv’s showing they have done this shit before, they are called defectors, but luckily they are not in the military, else they would have been shot, or clobbered to death with business cards.

As for strategizing, these days you walk in office and the bugger is like "evryone, gather around, today we have a brain storming strategy session, so, what's on your minds folks!"

Chaps that be surfing the net are usually corporatals, so am sure all ye folks are members of a certain battalion here or there, enjoy yo spying days!

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