In the Noose this week!!

Newspaper editors are making us (we chaps who remove staples, read the damn papers and staple right back) very pissed, neva mind we don’t pay (see brackets preceeding these brackets to confirm that both stuff in the brackets conform, then leave brackets and continue with the damn story, will ya? Sench u for yo-wa co-operation)

This entire week has been full, and without any sensible reason, of these 10 year olds that have just gotten their PLE results. Next week, we shall be chocked down our throats with O Level results. Matter of fact, even ENTIRE lists of those graduating from whichever of the existing 20 universities are printed in the national papers! What crap!! We want news goddamit, that’s why we call them news-papers, not announcement papers!

Here is a brief look at what my newspaper would look like, if I discovered that these silly results thingies sell;

1- West Nile’s best could miss secondary

In what seems like a Mel Gibson movie where the main star has to seriously get fucked up like a freakin little criminal, John Starks (the main character of this plot) who apparently was the only chap to score aggregate 4 in the ENTIRE West Nile region (this is some bullshiee) might not go on with secondary school coz his parents dimes are way to low to pay for the stuff this ka bright chap may need to get that engineering degree he is still dreaming of. On learning this, John has since reduced his dreams to vehicle mechanic maintanace as-if engineer but just a mechanic, as the technical schools nearby could take him on for little dimes. You can help him though, by contacting our offices, you nice guy you!!

2 – Mityana’s best wants to be priest, and probably pope, if he continues with this "best" stuff

Wilson Kasozi, one of the hardest chaps outta Mityana (erm, it’s somewhere in the middle of Uganda, as if near Lake Kyoga) says he wants to be a priest. In a strange twist of events (most best chaps say doctor, engineer and other stuff that needs lots of reading, and not reading facebook walls, but real books) this guy ought to be the first chap we have heard of that did well at school, but aims for some stuff that doesn’t require lots of brain, but faith. Apparently he has been inspired by the school’s parish priest, whom he used to do housework for, and probably spend a few night’s in his arms, and eat chocolates and stuff from this guy, coz that’s how they roll bitch!

3 – Mukono’s best wants to be engineer

Yeah, and so did ALL of us. Well, if he gets to secondary school and joins interact club or the debate club, his wishes will be turning to Lawyer and Mass Comm graduate as the years gradually pass by, however after A level, he shall have settled for Social Circus at any campus, so this headline shall have been a waste of ink.

4 – Jinja’s best prayed to God

Kikwete Alex scored aggregate 6 but was Jinja’s best, he attributed this to his daily prayers to God for success. No wonder the ka idiot got 6, he could have gotten a 4 if he just read his books instead!

“God, whats up, its me Alex yet again, I have sent many prayers but you are not replying, is Warid down? Anyhoo, I have just been passing through this science book and I can assure you, stuff beez tight!! I still cant figure if the fish breathes through the fin or through the gills, that one, I tell you, has jammed. So what you can do for me player, well, just sort out these examiners so they don’t ask about fish, sawa?? Laterz dude!!”

See, that’s how you get 6 punk!

5 – Kaliro’s best attributes success to canes

First off, where the hell is this Kaliro place? Am sure they got lots of forests and twigs to cane these bu boys! This chap (Kaliro’s so-called best) must aspire to be a pastor, or a pastor’s assistant, coz no one likes a hot butt more than pastors, he could do very well for himself in that area. Since caning has been banned from most of the major sensible schools, this guy is sure going to flunk his A levels coz he may have nuttin to inspire him from now on, he should probably give his dimes to West Nile’s best.

After my PLE (I was Wakiso’s 987^th best), these New Vision bastards didn’t even want to know what I wanted to be. I would probably have said pilot, coz those posers walk into airport terminals like movie stars with 5 BALLISTCLY BALLISTIC escorts wheeling suitcases, but then again what the heck, with aggregates like 17, who gives a shit what your retarded ass wants to be? Oh, I know, a POLITICIAN!! (they are ALL accepted here).