The dime is in Communication Bitch!!

Looks like the radio station business is booming, like a freakin nuclear bomb on a test from Iran! Last time we checked, there were like 156 licensed radio stations, and the Uganda Communications Commission has just moved into one of the most ballistic buildings in Bugolobi, meaning they are making a killing in terms of currency points. These pumpkins have the audacity to kumanyiira taxpayers by putting a sauna and gym in their premises, and wait for it, the big one…..a day care center for children of the chaps that work in there!

How important is this crap? A sauna for the workers? And just opposite this building, ok not exactly opposite, but in the vicinity, is the ONLY free drugs for all clinic, in Kiswa, and since the doctors don’t have a day care center, they are off on Sundays, so if u are a rioter, housemaid or boda boda lumpen, never get malaria on a Sunday, otherwise it’ll be yo last headache!!

So how can you….yes you, the enterprising fella, cash in on this communication blitz, well you just start a radio station too. What did u say? I cant hear you? How to run it? Simple, just follow these guidelines;

1- The morning breakfast show: U will get a noisy guy, and a noisier chick to present on this show, and once in a while throw in a 3^rd chap just to make it look as if you actually care for the listener’s lousy views! Make sure these guys forge topics every morning, and pretend to the public mbu someone has written a letter and is seeking advice. Always let it be about love, coz as said before, men and women are totally different species, so the guy will always have a different opinion on the matter from the chick, this will make listeners think that they have “chemistry” so they will keep calling in! Forge a story like “erm, this letter is from Stella, now Stella says her boyfriend is still in love with his first love and he cant make up his mind, what can I do?”

Lady Presenter: Stella, do yourself a HUGE favour and leave that idiot alone…

Guy presenter: But honestly, let her give him time to think about it…..

Both: Callers, what do you think? The lines are open 0914-222222 call in now!!!

Now that’s what I call fast cash!

2- An easy phone number: Keep the listeners calling in by getting an easy to cram number from the million phone companies we have, so when the morning show buggers say “call in and advise Trishia on this problem”, chaps have the number off head, and by the way, u receive a dime for every call made to this number! So make it 0914-222222

3- Lunch hour request: Around this time, most corporate buggers have gotten a small break from that dictator/terrorist also known as the boss. At this time they like to listen to a particular song before they go back to the terror squad known as office, they will definitely call in at this time.

Scenario: Hi, this is Patrick, please play for me the song “we shall overcome” by Don Williams, for my listening pleasure. Ka ching, dimes in the cash till!

4- Evening drive: This show also usually has 2 presenters, but in most cases 1 loud bugger is good enuff. Don’t bother the people in Finance with requests to buy more CD’s, just make these guys read the newspapers and come up with the day’s topic, then people will call in like a problem, gone are the days when Rasta Rob played more music, and even Mitch tried, but these days, talk, talk and more crappy talk, cheaper for you, the radio station owner!

5- Late Date / Late night drive / Midnight love: This is the final show you will have to present to your listeners. Just get a guy with a deep voice, if you cant, get a chap and put him so close to the microphone and set it to some computer program called “voice interchanger”, available from all software pirates in any of the plazas in town. Get some broke campus chicks and give them airtime, chips and chicken and a free kabiriiti phone and instruct them to keep calling to air out some imaginary problems that this deep voiced fella will dispense some advice on! In about a month, REAL people with REAL problems will start calling in too. Investment? Chips, chicken and airtime – results? Very good!

If advice followed above works, then you shall be receiving dimes from all these advertising chaps in tow, and your license fees shall construct a swimming pool for the employees of the Uganda Communications Commission. Good Luck!