Feb 1st really had no news, and that’s why no one was really surprised when the headlines of that day were “George Obama arrested on drug charges”. His claim to fame was that he had the same father as the chap that is now the US president, never mind he lives in a shanty part of Nairobi. Why was this news??
On the 7th, the mighty visionary Kagu, decided to sell 117 of his cows at an auction and the loot was to be used in government projects. Project coordinators were seen celebrating coz more free money for them to embezzle was coming their way. Apparently these cows were gifts to the prez from chaps within the country, they probably wanted tax pardons or some free acres of land in Lugogo, coz who the hell gives a rich guy gifts?
On 10th Feb, one of these buggers that keep calling themselves “ba upcoming” a chap called Omulangira Suuna, released a song praising new US head honcho, Obama! He was definitely taking a cue from chaps that have made a killing mentioning the name Juma Seiko in their songs, or G Wavamunno! However, the American President was too busy watching America’s Pop Idol, that this song didn’t get his attention, oh, and also the fact that it was on a writable CD, couldn’t play on Air Force one!
On the 12th, Tusker Project fame winner, a one Esther Something, said she had finalised her maiden album, 11 tracks to be precise. It’s December, and we don’t seem to have heard the “hits” she claimed took her long to produce. Her manager Straka, who wedded herself to a hospital bed just here last week, was helping her with composing her luganda songs, they were probably about how to plan for weddings!!
A cabinet re-shuffle took place, 16th Feb, and chaps that had no constituencies were dropped from cabinet, like a bad habit. Suruma of the temangalo fame, Mulira of the blackberry fame and some other chaps we really don’t give a shit about, were re-assigned to other duties, and told to get constituencies of their own, which may probably explain why these chaps want many districts these days. The president’s wife, an owner of her own constituency, benefited from these new developments!
25th Feb, Owino market was up in flames, like a school dormitory block! Here’s the fun bit, The Fire department, just a couple of feet away from the market, couldn’t put out the fire because…..wait for it……wait for it…..here it comes…….just a sec……they had no water!!!! It took a private company, Firemasters, located 40 kilometers away to come put out the fire. A yellow bus that happened to be passing by got itself a meal of stones from the angry traders, why? Coz that’s the freakin ruling party colour, and they were pissed with whoever was in charge!
Phewks, the month is finally ending, but ofcourse with a few bangs! Prez Kags “the ballistic visionary” M7 donated 1 billion bucks to the Owino market traders to re-build whatever was left of their burnt-up existence. He had probably raised that dime from the afore-mentioned auction, damn, that went well, we’ll all need to get the phone numbers of these auctioneers, 1 billion for a few cows, damn they are good!!
The King of Buganda also donated 5 million bucks, he probably hadn’t got the time to auction anything! He is a nice fella however. The froggy voiced singer Chameleon offered half a million bucks, he had probably spent the rest on medical bills on his countless fractures, never mind these chaps pay him in the millions to see his ass perform, and all he could return was a miserly half?
Ghetto pretender bobi swine, sori wine, had the nerve to say he was donating 10 million bucks, more than the king! Chaps had started ululating when they heard the legendary “wait……it has some conditions. See this here Cadillac, am putting it up for sale, if I get the 10 million, then it’s yours, but just know that in my heart, 10 million has burst to you guys, now, who wants to buy a crappy shiny silver car??” 10 months later, the swine is still driving it! How we forget!
And finarry, on 28th, MTN brought mobile money. So that meant that now you cant hide anymore from that Uncle that keeps showing up from Ibanda for fees for his 13th born kid. Now the bugger will simply say “I have been missing to see you in office ALL the time so I have been suffering trying to look for fees, but now MTN has brought you right to my doorstep, so whenever you see my beep at the beginning of the term, please send 100 souzand sillings, sench u very many”……Out with Feb!!
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