March 09, a very weak month at the pearl. Well, lets see what happened anyways!
March 5th, now that’s how bad March was, there was no news from 1st to 4th, but on 5th, an LRA top dawg, a one Kwoyelo, was harvested like a drunk grasshopper from the jungles of the Garamba Forest in the Congo, he was roasting elephant meat! This punk was flown into Entebbe aboard one of the army’s military choppers, and disembarked looking like a demented witch that had just fallen off it’s blazing broomstick, coz he was all strapped in tubes of water dripping right into his bloodstream since he had a couple of bullets lodged in his intestines. He is still in custody.
The ICC, having missed the chance to nab Kwoyelo since he was not on their warrant list, got so pissed that they were going to be bored this year, and instead issued an arrest warrant for Sudanese prez, a one Omar el Bashir, on March 6th. He was baptised by the ICC Chief Prosecutor as a “war mongering punk that should be brought here to white man’s land so the blacks wont be killed”. The Sudanese officials of course, in typical style, showed the middle finger to international reporters, when asked to comment on the issue. They are still holding it up!
6th – Dreadlocked bugger Bebe Cool made a Bebe Fool out of himself when he announced that his Hummer was on the Mombasa – Nairobi route heading straight to his rented 3 bedroom house compound. This was despite the fact that his Range Rover had just been attached as collateral for a debt of about 20 million bucks, which is the same amount a Hummer fetches in just taxes alone, but since the Hummer hasn’t arrived, guess it was good publicity for his next album.
About 3 days later, as in 9th, should have just typed 9th instead of feeling cool, mbu 3 days later, who types this shit? anyway, on ze 9th, a cargo plane carrying supplies to Somalia crashed on take off at the Ebbs airport. We still don’t know whether it hit a pot hole or was trying to dodge it when this happened, but since this is the grand country of pot holes, we don’t need the black box to figure this out. And since only the black box survives plane crashes, why don’t they make the ENTIRE plane a freakin black box?
12th March, Orange telecom launched. The CEO had these wise words for the anxious clients-in-waiting, “you should not expect lower rates but you will get better quality in terms of value”, a statement that pissed off boda boda goons and houseboys allover the country, “coz they don’t eat quality BITCH!!”, which explains why they missed the Shaggy show to launch this company!
Since there was NO news in March, no riots, no Olympics, just nadda, the final piece of news came in the form of “City socialite and wannabe model Judith Heard got twins”, like we give a rat’s ass!!! Who the hell is this socialite bitch and how much does she give back to the community? And why the hell do people care what’s going on in her life? She should be taught how to use twitter, and leave our papers for more constructive stuff, or better yet, move to the US and hang with Paris Hilton and her small bu dogs on her palms!
Out with March ’09!
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