To cap September!

1 - Nostra Dumb-Ass

The end of the year is upon us, the guys at Hallmark must be thanking the Vatican for having introduced chistmas, coz card sales are going to raise their profits hundred times over, neva mind the fact that we are slowly forgetting what Christmas is REALLY all about in the first place.

But the aim today is to predict the rest of the year, as if the horoscope for end of 2k8!

Politicians – They will continue, unabated, to take public funds like a god-given right. these guys have the guts, or rather nuts, to stand to us and say “look here young ferrow, we’ve been doing this for mad years, since u were in yo nappies, u cant just wake up and say STOP!!”. First off, thanks to queen pen for that rhyme there, and secondly, don’t be surprised by this rant!

The minister of health – He will probably organise 15 more “workshops”, we still know workshops as areas where timber is turned into furniture, for home or office use! But these health workshops will be about “non-communicable diseases!” These diseases we believe are those that we humans have failed to have a sensible conversation with, like “look here disease, how much can I bribe u with so u kill far fewer people?” “uummm….arrggh…ummm” “Am sori, this disease is dumb as hell, lets classify him as non-communicable, and create a workshop to sensitize the public, and urge them to be vigilant”.

The Uganda Cranes – They will go ahead and lose all the remaining games in the qualifying stage. These chaps get their lessons in Arabic, and have implemented the arab tenet of writing backwards, by scoring backwards! Maybe they should get a coach whose name we can pronounce, first was Srejedovic, then Cszaba!! If countries were allowed to sell their players, we would have sold all these chaps to Sparta Prague, as ballboys! These chaps will qualify for the Africa Cup in 2020, when FIFA makes it compulsory for all 52 African countries to compete!

Kampala City Mayor – He will buy bigger tyres for his Hummer just to make sure he enjoys the city roads, whose residents are complaining of having so many pot holes, as an example to the residents! He will advice them to stop whining, and buy bigger cars, “since the lumpen they elected to fix the pot holes is just not up to his job”

Horoscopes – They will become more factual. Newspapers will stop re-printing the horoscopes of 1988 in a bid to fill space. So you will no longer see something like “tomorrow u will receive a telegram with good news, a new type writer that resets itself!”

The minister of education – He will continue organising more fire drills in all boarding schools. The techniques he will instil in the pupils include the singing of that ol song whenever a fire breaks out “London’s burning, London’s burning, bring some water, bring some water, fire fire, fire fire, pa won water, pa won water!!”

Obama – sadly, he will lose the election. After Gore and Kerry, placing any hopes on the American electorate is like seeing the Uganda Cranes at the African Cup of Nations!!

King Oyo – He will probably stop dreaming about the new super Mario Nintendo game with Xbox compatibility while attending royal functions, and dressing ridiculously like Shaka Zulu, in 1810!

Born again pastors – They shall be arrested for defilement, smuggling wines and spirits, stealing their follower’s material things…..oh am so sori, that has already been done, these are the predictions! We anticipate that one of these chaps is going to slaughter his kid, in the name of making a sacrifice, as if Abraham, then when the police question him, he’ll say God ordered him to do so, “plus he thought he would find the substitute lamb at the scene”


2 - War!

I was caught up in a war,
When I was only four,
The enemy troops,
Started shelling our roofs,
Then they announced on the news,
That they were not here for a truce,
They came in a battalion,
Their leader riding on a stallion,
They said they were not the joke,
Of which the government spoke,
They said the rest of their platoon,
Will be here before noon,
And before the rising of the moon,
There shall be a new dawn,
And some peace will return to this town,
For were tired of the old broom,
That was leading this country to doom,
And when they shell his palace at noon,
All he will hear shall be a big BOOM,
And he will run like an insect sprayed by doom,
And thus shall return our cherished freedom,
For he was running us like a kingdom,
And was amassing a lot of wealth,
While the peasants suffered in poor health,
But he will need a lot of stealth,
If he’s to escape the rebel threat,
For he shall do nothing but sweat,
When he is attacked by their mighty strength,
For they were here to liberate,
And said we would all later celebrate,
And we would thank them for being so great,
That even our lost possessions we would forfeit,
For they were the new messiahs,
In this era where there are no dictators,
But we had no choice but to flee,
Lest the bombs would turn us to ghee,
As we had to go to a location,
Where we used to go for vacation,
A place that was next to a lake,
For all civilian’s lives were at stake,
And we would no longer feed on cake,
And scavenging we would now undertake,
But the WFP gave us flour to bake,
And UNHCR also gave us a tent,
So we would have a place to rest,
We only wished for nothing but the best,
Because wars are the most we detest!!!

Peace jokes with kony the mosquito

U know that naughty little creature, as small as freshly cut-off finger nails, but with the ability to kill the largest human, a guy like “The Big Show”, may have lifted all the metals in the world, but if he had beef with u, just send Anopheles the mosquito, then give it 5 days, tops!

So this little insect, the most irritating thing, well just after Capital FM’s same song programming, to ever hit our lives. See the thing is Anopheles doesn’t just sting u and leave u to sleep, he first comes over to your ear to announce his presence. We humans have done what was previously impossible, like send a man to the moon, elect an idiot as the US president, and even listen to Celine Dion songs for 15 straight years, but have still failed to figure out what mosquitos want when they come buzzing in our ears, despite the heavy risks of getting smacked right across our cheeks, splasing our blood back to our faces!

I personally think they be saying “alright look man, I am not of any use to u, Iam simply here to inform u that I shall be stinging u on many parts of yo body, just for just!! U will spend the day in office while i rest and await your return, with fresher juice!”

This irritation is met by a heavy bang, from something that sounds exactly like a palm hitting skin! Anopheles retreats, like Joseph Kony, and sends in his peace team to negotiate for the blood! This time, 3 of them are in your ear, u cover yourself with the blanket, to avoid all the noise, suspecting anopheles of bringing allies from Khartoum, from the rogue government of Sudan, u are now sure they just want to spread disease, and kill off all your kind, just like the blacks in south sudan, and our cousins in Darfur, who also had the same problem!

Joseph Anopheles now goes to the other pests in the area, we gave them a scientific name, rats. They have a Doha round of talks, where they agree to trade terms, and they will call their allies the janjaweed. The janjaweed are to run to the bedroom and enter the cupboards where they will make all sorts of irritating noise so that the human will wake up, that way, Anopheles will get his blood, and probably send his emissary “malaria virus Otti” to cut off the lips of any red blood cells that may be caught masquerading in the veins!

In return, anopheles will pay the janjaweed by not stinging him and sending several Otii’s to his blood system. Pests have a newer way of thinking, we originally thought that humans were evolving, what with the 100 meters record slashed by 10 points since Ben Johnson did his 9.79 on drugs, now we just do it on yams! But mosquitos are now cooperating with rats to kick us out!

So I set terms with Anopheles on a power sharing deal, I was to let out my foot, so he could go and feast on it, but leave my ears out of the deal, so in return I would get my peace.

Anopheles rejected that deal, he said even if Chissano called him several times and sent journalists to Garamba, he still wanted the ear. Apparently, this is in revenge for the pigs, due to the rising number of humans that have taken a keen interest in pig’s ears, Obua knows this best. Apparently, the rats had communicated to the pigs at their annual “four feet” meet. So next time u hear a mosquito buzzing in yo ear, just deploy the four fingers and SLAP!! Even if it means entering the Garamba forest, coz when the mosquito net manufacturers asked Deal or No Deal, Anopheles said “NO DEAL!!”

Kampala City Council's Shenanigans

There are people who love being in power for the sake of helping others who are….. well, not in power. Then there are those that love being in power so that they can brag to their friends that they are important, like when we were kids and used to tell others “our house is bigger than yours, so I expect u to respect me.”

The clowns at KCC belong to the latter group and their antics week in week out never cease to amaze. Its like they are one day going to release a DVD, probably during the next election time, aptly titled “power to the people; comedy geniuses”. This will have a footnote “the best comedy series, no writers, no script, and far better than the nonsense you see on TV. We have been the best on Live TV since the closure of Sanyu TV and subsequently TV Africa. Amarula family and Barbed wire can’t compete, so vote for us for 1 more term, as we keep you highly entertained!!

The most recent drama, involves the Central division chairman, who was a boxer at one time. He seems to still be using the conventional teachings of boxing, where you are in one corner, and the mayor of the city on the other. These 2 have done nothing but entertain us since they were elected to office. So the division chairman a couple of days ago hired lumpens to attack the official KCC offices and “rescue” items belonging to disabled chaps, that were confisicated for operating in “non-gazzeted” areas, since the disabled chaps couldn’t do the rescue themselves coz, well, they were unable to, and disabled too!

The central division chairman went ahead and put a congratulation ad, in full color, sending felicitations to the king of Tooro for marking 13 years as king. We were left wondering why money from the Kampala City cofferes was used to congratulate a king 600 miles away. Efforts to find adverts from the “Fort Portal” town council and the “Kabarole” central division, 2 towns located in the center of Toro kingdom, were futile! We were thinking, maybe this chap was sending congratulations, coz the Toro kingdom had been very effective in donating items to the disabled in Kampala, while totally ignoring their own people!

The mayor, who apparently doesn’t work well with the division chap (we are still figuring out the difference) is worthy of praise in equal comical measures! This chap went to the United States for a Mayor’s conference on sustaining roads, and he wound up buying himself a Hammer, and completed the transaction with personalised plates. He said he bought it for several reasons;
1- The Toyota Prado, 2001 version wasn’t worthy of a man of his calibre, and he could feel the pot holes in town!
2- Since Kampala was so full of pot holes, he needed a car that could run over them without feeling an iota of vibration, “since he doesn’t know when whichever lumpen responsible for fixing the pot holes will ever fix them.”
3- As a man of the people, he wanted a car that will make the people work for him more everyday, while they receive less for themselves, and heres how: By buying a car that consumes 10 times more fuel to drive from his office to home than the official car, that way the money budgeted for filling pot holes could buy his fuel, and the people will be happy that their “king” is living like one, neva mind they elected him so he could help them put more bread on their tables.

So the second season of this drama will continue in 2011 when the Uganda network executives vote to keep this tragic-comedy on air, probably after the execs are bribed with a few bars of soap!! Development, here we come!

Of lifts, sperms and silly wise sayings

1 - Too much info!!

U ever realise we may never need ISO, ESO or any other spy agency masquerading around on tax payers money looking for information? The stuff we get from all these automated machines is way too much, actually unwarranted.

If u are not with me yet, take a look at this. Workers house, that blue building whose occupants decided to spend dimes on wetlands, instead of fixing their lifts! Don’t u ever get pissed with that lady that keeps telling u the inevitable? Here’s my last visit to that building, going to the 14th floor to fix some stuff!

10 am – Standing at the elevator, as the digital display screen shows lift descending to ground floor.
10.05 – Lift doors open, chick says “Doooors opening, goooing up!” I enter elevator, with 4 other chaps.
10.05 and some few seconds – “Dooors closing, going up”
First chap hits the 3rd floor button, we reach there
10.06 – “Thiirrrd floor, doors opening”
10.06.15 – “Dooors closing, going up”.

The irritating chick keeps up with these nauseating explanations, as if we were watching the news, and she was telling us a blow by blow of what was happening in that town 200 miles away! Actually I wanted her to say our names us we were disembarking “14th floor, Jack is getting out, yippee, am getting my break, goooing down”

The over flow doesn’t end there, it goes on to our mobile phones, u make a simple call just to find out how u can access the net on your phone and this is what u get;
“Thank you for calling customer services, for account information, press 1, to renew your credit, press 2, for any other info, press 3!” So u press 3; “To communicate in English, press 1, in Swahili, press 2, in any other language press 3” So I press 1; “For post paid services, press 1, for prepaid problems, press 2, for any other problems press 3” So I press 3; For data issues, press 1, for cabling services……………..” I press “end call”.

What the hell was that?! Why don’t u just bloody connect me to someone so they connect me to who I want! I actually rememba in 1999 when we had to pay a fee every month, just to be able to access the network, if yo 30 days elapsed and someone called u, he would hear “Sorry, the customer has been disconnected due to a lack of service fee”. Imagine how many chicks we lost, after giving them a ride in that Mercedes we had borrowed, now they were in on the secret, that I don’t even go to Dubai to shop in the first place! It was all a lie!!

After a lot of complaints (trust Ugandan men to always complain on this matter), the telecom pumpkins decided to soften their stance, this time they would say “the number u hav called is not available at the moment!”, but the sickening thing was, if the voice said it twice, then yo phone was conveniently switched off, so that yo boss wouldn’t call u, yet he refused to give u that day off in the first place! If the chick said that message once, then u hadn’t paid yo bloody service fee, and the chicks found this out too! So who needs ISO anymore!!


2 - The theory of ABC, 123 and the life of a sperm!

Since the chicks had their turn to film the “vagina monologues”, I think its also fair for the males to come up with their version! This is as if Nat Geo wild on Sunday aftanoons, not for the faint hearted!

So Uganda’s first lady has been at the forefront of fighting AIDS, we know this becoz we have seen that same hairstyle for the last 20 years, at AIDS functions! We however, wanted to connect the dots, I mean ABC, and 123!

A – Abstinence – The act of living alone, by yo-wa-sele-f, no hugs at night, no goodbyes to anyone, no flowers to buy on the 14th, just u…and u! Which makes u 1, in yo life!

B – Be faithful – The act of living in a marriage, or a commitment, where u will be only 2, in yo-wa entire lives. U will only hug 1 person at night, say goodbye to 1 person, buy flowers on the 14th for only 1 person, which makes u 2 in yo life!

C – Condoms – Here they are saying, u will have more than 1 person in yo wa life, say 2 people, but don’t carry around germs from one to the other, so u will be 3 in yo lives.

So Peter the sperm, had lived thru his entire life wanting to meet his dream date, Jane, the egg. He spent his entire life practicing, which included eating a special kind of yam, as if Usain Bolt! But he grew so old, and had lots of tales to tell Mike, his upcoming grandson. Peter was to make sure his genes met the elusive egg, so he waited for his moment.

First, he knew his chap was on A, and told his grandson tales of how his friends all ended up on pieces of toilet paper or their master’s palms! So he waited till this chap went on C, which is where most middle aged chaps be, and he told tales of how his friends could see the dream land, they thought they were in the city, they could see Jane smiling at the distance, it was all bright and red when boooooom…….they hit a rubber, and ended up in a latrine somewhere!

Then finally, the master moved on to B, at last, they were going to see Jane, but Peter had grown old, and unlike Holyfield, he gave up, and groomed his grandson for the final sprint! This happened days after they had seen lots of fireworks, they knew their master had given in to the life of 2, and only 2.

So the night came, and they readied themselves, on yo marks, get set, oh wait, they are still just hugging, don’t hurry! Then finally, off they go, the city, oh god it looks so bright, look at those lights, see I told u, we would make it! And then BAM, they all start fainting, they cant reach Jane, things are so tight!

“Granny, whats happening, I cant breathe!!!”
“So sori son, she’s on the pill!!”



3 - Silly wise sayings!

While we grow up, parenting dictates that children should be educated in life’s morals, and trust parents not to disappoint, with clichés of all sorts like “don’t cry over spilt milk”, coz we don’t have money to buy u more, just drink porridge u little nut! Then they go ahead and tell u “money doesn’t grow on trees, heck, it doesn’t grow at all”, so we don’t ask them for that new Nintendo 6.0!

But imagine a world where we were to live by these sayings and actually follow the crap, even those we don’t understand, for example “u cant have your own cake, and eat it!.”
So here I was in a restaurant, hungry as hell, so I ordered a milkshake and a cake, coz that’s all they had. But as soon as the waitress, Jackie (I know this how? u may ask, but she had her name tag on, so stop thinking like that!), so anywho, as soon as she brought the order, I remembered that wise ol’ sayin, u cant have your own cake, and eat it too!

I was caught in this dilemma, coz now I couldn’t eat, I knew I should have ordered a bugger instead. Now I had to wait for the next client, so we could switch cakes, and live by the saying!

After failing to have my breakfast, thanks to the saying, I went to a music shop, coz playing an instrument makes me full! So I bought a trumpet, but as soon as I got the receipt, I remembad, “do not blow your own trumpet!.” The problem I had here is that if someone else blew it for me, he would leave his lip gloss all over my trumpet!

Silly wise sayings, they make me sick!!

The audacity of Hope!!

1 -Beauty pageants!

Kampala is practically on fire with beauty pageants that have practically lost all meaning! Can u imagine attending Miss “sunset pub”, in Kabuusu! The winner will take home a tattered and battered starlet, that even the mechanics refused to tear apart coz the parts can NEVA be used again! Don’t ask me how I know, al make it simple, I WENT FOR IT!

No, I didn’t contest, I was watching, and am proud to share with u the stuffs that I saw!

Contestant Number 1 – beach wear!
This s a true story. See this chick had the misfortune of watching Die Anatha Day, not at Cineplex, but the other version with a translation, but u don’t need a translator to see Halle Berry walking out of the ocean, and by the way, what the hell was she doing in that ocean in the first place? Probably waiting for the cameras, so she comes shaking her waist, for us chaps to hav sleepless nights day dreaming at night of her ballistic self! Where was I, oh, the beach wear contestant! So she comes in, probably after tearing bits of her pillow case cover and tying them around her naughty bits, and this was her version of beach wear, coz u could see the Vita Foam logo on the back side!

Neva had I seen such a collection of stretch marks in my life, even the stretch marks had their own stretch marks, and they were green!! I know we hav red blood cells and white blood cells, am still trying to figure out wat the hell is green in the system! This was a rainbow coalition of different coloured marks, as if the South African flag!

Contestant numero deux – that’s number 2, for the uni-linguals! Creative wear!
Chick number 2 comes in with a fruit collection, banana fibres to cover “the other monologues”, then 2 water melons to cover up the 2 “small excuses for boobs”, and a cluster of yellow bananas to act as braids, she probably watched the Williams sisters in the US open finals of 2001, coz that was their style! U can see how hideous this was, even Dr Jekyll would jam to turn to Hyde, if Hyde looked like this chick! Even Halloween costume designers jammed to make this costume coz “the other costumes would be offended!”

That’s it with the contestants, lets skip thru to question time;
MC – Miss contestant, what would u like to be if u won this crown!
Contestant – Me, I would like to use this chance to become a celebrity! (this English has been heavily edited, so that u can read it, but otherwise, a translator was called in to interpret the question!)
MC – Who is the greatest Ugandan!
Contestant – My boyfriend!
MC – Why?
Contestant – Becoz for him, he buys for me chips, when I beep him!

It is at this point ladies and gents, that I humbly walked out, to go for Miss Tourism!!



2 - The audacity of Hope!

You may think you are familiar with this title, but I guarantee u have no clue! So this is the story:

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon, I was chilling on my compound, under my umbrella-ellah-ellah eh eh, when my phone rang, and this chick on the other end said she had got my number from an acquaintance, and she wanted to buy me a pint! Me, being the broke chap that I am, and taking this sijui women emancipation stuff of “they can now buy pints” seriously, agreed to the meet!

So the voice says we head off to one of these new CHOGM hotels that sprung up faster than ant hills between April and October last year, mbu the pints were now cheap as they had to sell off stuff to repay the loans they used to import all those bathroom tiles!

So we head off to this gwa, in Kololo, full ballistic place, and I find this chick, not bad looking, so I was going to kill 2 stones….with one bird! And heres how;
Stone no. 1 - The bird would buy the pints,
Stone no. 2 – The bird would take me to her home, if the pints kicked in!

See, everything was according to plan! In my head, I was like “God has really forgiven my sins, I thought that when the priests tell u “say 2 hail mary’s and yo sins will be sorted”, were getting rid of me, KUMBE this was my blessing!

Away from the bullshit we sit down, and start the conversation ANY Ugandan would have with a chick!

She: Hi!
Me: Hi!
She: Me, my names am Hope!
Me: Am Smith!
She: Nice to meet u!
Me: Likewise!
She: So, well done!
Me: (in my head: “What the hell??”) Er, yeah! Well done too!
She: So wat do u do?
Me: Computer technology!
She: Eh, nga u are war!
Me: (in my head; “Wat the hell?? Who still says war!!”)

In comes the waiter, asking to take the order, meanwhile, even the waiter is eying the ballistic Hope, she’s too hard!

Me: Al have a bell!
She: Al have a glass of white wine……with ice cubes please!

What the hell, this chick had the audacity to ask for wine with ice?? Even the waiter hahad!! Now do u see the “audacity of Hope?”. I told u, u didn’t know this one!.

But one quick one, when u see a ki-ballistic ki-brown brown, always rememba the first law of quantum physics, light moves faster than sound, coz these chicks look so bright…….until they speak!!




3 - Free TV ruined my leave!

Going on leave can be such a bitch! I mean first u get fed up with work, and I mean really fed up, where u feel like sending yo boss to the “survivor” show and hoping he gets mistakenly eaten by a crocodile that was minding its own business somewhere near the set! So here u are, finally armed with that approved leave application you have been trying so hard to get stamped in the last 2 or so years, and u will now be free for 30 straight days, plus a couple more in case a king does us a favour and dies, and the half moon to end the muslim fast season shows up within those 30 days u’ve gotten off!

Day one starts off quite well, coz u go to the barber shop, most of which hav a video library within, if that’s what u call a collection of 30 dvd’s, I would rather call it a private home collection, which u can only watch after parting with that change the barber just returned to u off the haircut dimes, assuming u still have only 5k notes, leave dimes!

Day 2, u decide to stay home. U have already told the capitalists at DSTV and GTV that u don’t need their garbage, coz if u want to watch soccer, heck, the 15 bars across home all have your dishes, and by the way, “we now have 10 free to air TV stations, so u go to hell with yo dishes”.

In actual sense, its we who go to hell! Coz here I was, on a weekday, channel surfing the so called free stations, and I could swear to u I have never been happy when we got loadshedded, but this time I was, I mean take a load of this!

Station number 1 – shows DWTV all freakin morning, I mean who gives a shit the German Chancellor was opening a new chemical plant in Hamburg? This will go on till the local news, which consists of the prime minister giving advise to farmers to “be vigilant”, and commercialise their activities! “who cares??”

Station number 2 – Al jazeera all freakin morning. “2 palestinians were killed when a mortar bomb went off in a busy market” “3 Israeli soldiers are being treated after a mortar rocket hit their car while on a routine inspection” “15 bombs went off in falluja where 5 american troops were killed, the highest to be killed in a space of 30 minutes” The rest of the day on this station is dedicated to Ugandan songs, with videos entirely shot using cell phones!

Station number 3 – A station for the born again, by the born again and to be strictly watched by them. But in some cases, it is fun-filled drama as u are channel surfing and accidentally drop by this channel, then u see a guy walking up on crutches, he says to the pastor, “yo, I have been to the best doctors in the world, there was this one in Israel, one in South Africa and they all told me I could neva be cured, I have spent over 200 million shillings and failed, help me”, then the pastor holds him and starts yelling “JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, Heal this man”, and on and on, till the chap throws the crutches in the crowd, then we the audience applaud for such an award winning performance by hitting the remote to next!

Station number 4 – DWTV, then CNN then Ugandan videos, then a show to rip us off, where this chick puts 4 letters on the screen, B U L and E, then she tells u to make a colour, call in and win 100,000 shillings instantly, and the numbers to call are 090 277 blah blah blah! So u figure, the colour is blue, so u call in immediately, but the u get the busy tone, so u think “al just dial again real quick”, but alas, it has taken 1000 shillings off! Before u realise, the chik is talking endlessly, so that means everyone is losing 1000 bucks just to get a busy tone, so we click next!

Station number 5 – It started as a Christian channel, but then realised there wsnt that much dime, so they have concentrated on Nigerian movies. Its not hard to get up in the morning and flip on channel 5 only to hear “Oga, where have u been-o? I called yo modda, yo broddas and yowa sisto, but they didn’t heer from u? Which slot hov u been with? …… Next!

Station number 6 – a copy cat of channel O. Everything from programming, to the logo, to the presentation, just switch the language!

Station number 7 – the most annoying one! This one is so misplaced! A rich Tanzanian felt that he wanted to go regional and decided to bore the crap of us with his station, which is dedicated to praising the ruling tz government! Why the hell would we want to watch a speech by the tz prez to rural farmers, in Swahili??

Station 8, 9 and 10! – A combination of the above! Al jazeera, gillete world sports and a bunch of cellphone produced videos!

Am applying for a cancellation of leave, a first in my company, and definitely selling off the flat screen, what an injustice av done to it!


4- Ugandan political soap

Ever since 24 was cancelled by the Fox network (damn those bastards), we Ugandans have been too bored. Heck, the chaps who work the nightshit at UTL, if u could call downloading prison break and 24 night duties, have since lost all morale to work at night.

These ballistic stories have however been replaced by a bunch of crap, the only thing worse than watching Ugandan music videos, called “Spanish soaps”. I be on tv all the time, and I see the ads, but neva to watch the crap! See therez sijui wakina Rubi, woman of my life, gardeners chow mate, and a host of other crap I really don’t care to rememba!

But that’s beside the point, we have been downloading our own soap, in parliament, called “the land of my life”, starring Amam “Rubi” Mbamarwan and Jack “the gardener;s chow mate” Muh-wealthy! See these chaps sold land to the guys who keep our dimes, till we are 55, and in case we die, will use our dimes to buy more land! But somehow, therz free drama for us, coz we still see no case, unlike the Elizabeth Kutesa case when she was summoned for “lying under oath” during the Besigye trial, who was in turn being accused of “lying under his house maid – by force”!

So this 24 of ours has Marwan (kumbe all this time I thot he had died in “The Mummy Returns”, we last saw him screaming “Absalamooonn”, but the little creatures down there took him, maybe he chewed them like those beatles, then came bak as a terrorist, tadaaaa!). So Marwan, sold this land to “the company”, which had finished getting rid of Linc Burrels, and now had enough money to splash on wetlands, but Jack Muh-wealthy thought that Mbamarwan was up to no good!

So Jack came to parliament where Mbarwan was explaining how he sold the explosives and disguised them as 410 bombs, overstating their true numbers by 52 acres, sori bombs, and had received 11 billion to his secret account in Grenada!

In comes Scoffield, using the pseudo-name of Tinkasimire claiming bribery and other forms of torutre that Jack was using to get rid of Mbamarwan, he said he had all the evidence, if they could only let him unleash his shirt, coz they were all inscribed as tattoos, and no one could see them!

The company however kept on going bak to the press to explain their side of the maps of the explosives and the size they could blow up! However, they were accused of interfering with the case, by proxy! Even when they beeped Pope Benedict to save them, he was unfortunately conducting a mass in Latin, somewhere in a labarotory in Sicily. All this time I didn’t know that Photons, atoms and those funny cells were catholic, coz they have mass!

The all new 24 meets prison break meets the Vatican is still playing, and is the first of its kind to go live on radio, tv and newspapers in 5 different languages. No downloads needed, no night shifts at UTL and definitely this wont be cancelled by Fox. Happy watching people, we shall see the recaps in 2080!

Sound of music

In 1999, we grew older, and bolder, so we did the remix of the sound of music song, y'all remember Do, a deer, a female deer!!

Who doesnt? So we, the young hip hunks that we were, and used to call money "Dough", decided to do the bar re-mix, and heres how it goes:

Dough..with which i buy my beer,

Ray.....the guy i buy it frooomm,

Me.....the guy, who drinks that beer,

Far.....the distance to the baaar,

So, I think i'll hav that beeeer,

La, the guy who steals my beeer,

Tea, no thanks al have my beeer,

That will bring us bak to dough dough dough doug!!!

Back to office!!!

An sms, back in the day, my dream chick n a pact with satan

1 - The wedding meeting sms!

It all starts on Monday morning, when all thats on yo mind is nothing but making some dimes, to replenish the now yawning pockets, diminished by the new money consuming hobbies that have filled the entire weekend hours, in the names of soccer, formula 1, rugby sevens and even idle shows like Big brother. If DSTV and GTV are not named the highest money minters this year (of course after De La Rue, the company contracted to print money for over half the world’s countries), then all their managers should be sacked, and sent to act in the Big brother house with the rest of Africa’s most idle kwanks! (rememba that word, that’ll be for anatha day)

Where was I before I rudely interrupted myself with that rant…ahhh, le mii chiiii…ah yes, the empty wallets on Monday morning! So as one is still contemplating what deal to pull off, from any source (see we Ugandans are the hardest enterprenuers in the world, u can even ask those chaps at UNIDO, they shall verify my nonsense, I mean we shall use the office fax to send out personal quotations for household material of some chap moving to the UK to wash saucepans! that’s how hard we be).

I keep interrupting myself, deviating from the main story, so my inner voice is like “vvy u keep interrupttting the story, vat is the matter?”, and the first thing that crosses my mind is “damn, my inner voice is an Indian??” This is some bullshieee!!

Ok now for real, the story!! So, I was yapping of the deal being on yo mind, thinking of that first 50 g’s u will make, then suddenly, the phone starts vibrating (if u still hav an Erickson, please skip this paragraph), then in a matter of seconds, the light starts flickering, u get excited, coz the deal has brought itself to u, without even as much of u calling, yo hands tremble as u reach for the phone, the heart starts racing, faster than Usain Bolt, even though u have clearly never fed it on yams, but it is smashing records in anticipation of this deal. Yo mind is racing too, with thoughts like “wat excuse will I give the boss so I can take off earlier before lunch?”.

Within seconds, u have the phone in yo hand, right now it is the most prized possession yo hand has ever held! Even if the hardest chick u have ever seen, she being the new intern in the Accounts department passes by, u just have no time for her shit, coz THIS IS A DEAL GODAMIT!!!

The thumb immediately reaches for the left button saying “read” then all hopes come crashing down to earth, faster than the anticipated Nibiru giants, coz here’s what u see;
“U are cordially invited blah blah blah blah to the 2nd blah blah blah of (insert that guy’s name, who u met at the bus park and he was introduced to u by some guy u were with in school, nursery school, 20 years ago) and (insert any girl’s name here) at Karoli gardens at 5.30pm every Wednesday. Please bring a friend.

Alright, first of all, who the hell is this Vincent chap and how the hell did he get my number? And I bring a friend? Well one of my favourite movies of all time is “Scarface”, am hoping u have all seen it, coz its most memorable line is “say hello to my little friend, his name is Uzi!!”

Better yet, this message is a problem, so let me rhyme to that, “I got a revolver, the problem solver”, these sms-sending chaps deserve to be shot!!!! U can call them “Sherrif”, coz “I shot the sherrif”! That will be my defence!


2 - Back in the day!!

“Back in the day when I was young am not a kid anymore but sometimes wish I could be a kid again”

Those are the lyrics (lyzos) from ahmad’s 1994 hit when he decided to reminisce on the good ol days, so I shall go back, to rememba the hard words we used to use.

“Boddo” – This meant, something like “ok, fine” so a line would be like “kale, u have refused to give me on some popcorn, kale, boddo, boddo, me al get u also”

“Arched” – this word was said with the left femur bone, which happens to go by the name “left hand” gesturing over the head, to mean you have been dismissed, and used to follow words like “so wat”, “I know” or “that much I know”! So someone would be like “u have my book” and if the reply was “so wat”, any by stander would go “acha cha cha cha cha, u have been arched!!”

“No touch-ingos” – This came from the popular pastime of the 90’s, forget this Big brother nonsense. So when yo-wa “dull”, usually a hard seed that fell off some jacaranda trees, used in a game the white chaps call “marble” was two palm spreads away from the next “dull”, the owner of the other “dull” had the option of removing it or risk losing the game, in a certain way. So for him to remove it, he would invoke rule 6 of the “dull” game that said “no touch-ingoz” and thereby remove it from sight. But apparently chicks these days use the same rule, when in cinemas! They be like “Mike, no touch-ingoz!!”

“Am going to report on you!” – The hardest statement ever, its actually still in use today! This sentence is accompanied by the expression of one hitting his forefinger on the thumb several times, in situations where one has been caught doing some shit he wasn’t supposed to be doing in the first place!

“Oso yuuuu” – A statement that follows the above, a pleading statement to the plaintiff mentioned above saying “am goin to report on u” by the defendant, begging for forgiveness not to be reported on!

“Kwank” – Rememba when I said “that word is for anatha story?”, well this is the story!! Apparently a kwank was a lousy chap, or a guy that was too slow to understand shit, or in an equivalent of today, a “dwanzie”.

“You are war” – This is the direct opposite of “kwank” above. Apparently, if u were a good mathematician, the expression would be “that guy is war at maths!”

“O buttie” – A bright punk, who is war at all the subjects.

“Cantab” – Final exam at the end of a syllabus, i.e Primary, O-level and A-level.

Here’s a statement we all made in 1993;

“That’s guy is an o-buttie, he is even war in basketball, but when it comes to talking to girls, he is just a kwank, he cant talk, he only wants to touch-ingoz, am going to report on him to the headmaster!!”

“but osso u, if u report on him, it wont be boddo!”

“That much I know!”

“Acha cha cha cha, U have arched me!!!!”



3 - My TV Girlfriend!!

Am so ugly, like Jay-Zee
And my mind is going cray-zee
Coz I cant get a fiancé
Who looks like Beyonce
So I shall settle for Naome
Coz I think she knows me,
I gave up on Tyra Banks,
Coz I would keep going to the bank,
But wait, therez Halle Berry,
Oh I hear she tastes like a Cherry,
But she was married to David Justice,
Oh that was such an injustice,
And wat of Vanessa Williams,
Well she looked like a dude,
When she decided to pose nude,
But that’s so mean,
Well she wasn’t that lean,
When she took off her jeans,
And yes there was Jada,
Well she’s no longer hotter,
Than Peaches in Jason’s Lyric,
When she was a hot chic,
And so was Vivica Fox,
As sly as a real fox,
She made our knees knock,
When she sat atop a box,
And this aint a hoax,
But she made us drool,
And look like a fool,
While we were at school,
But now we are older,
And she too is older,
So we have grown bolder,
And discovered that,
To pull the rabbit out the hat,
We just have to get smart,
And stop dreaming of a TV chick,
Yet we are so slick,
And these chicks make us sick,
So we have to get real,
And also have to feel,
The natural tender skin,
Of a chick of our kin,
Coz fantasizing,
Leads to nothing,
But exercising,
The crap called day dreaming,
So now we shall get our own chicks,
That look exactly like the TV Chicks!!
That was a weak flow, no sense at all!!


4 - A pact with the devil!

This is not for the faint-hearted, and no, am not talking about NatGeo Wild on Sunday afternoons! Am talking about the believers, those that think “blasphemy” is actually a word.

See, as a seventh day absentist, my Sabbath involves many activities, which all start with a long warm bath!! On the seventh day, am always absent from where everyone else bees!

When I think of heaven, its some place with white angels, singing boring songs like “kumbaaaayaaa, my rod kumbayaaa!” This actually reminds me of “my rod” (blasphemy number 1)

I was reading the book of exodus, and its so vulgar, according to my interpretations. Coz in which other situation does a man go with his rod, parts the waters and lets his people go???!!!

The hardest story however is that chick bathseba, too hard, full hips, even though she never ate chips, and never gave out tips, and had ballistic looking lips! Don’t blame me, that’s the bible rhyme, as if Tupac! Now if that story was true, why are u blaming the man, we would have done EXACTLY the same thing, despite reading the punishment that befell that king chap! See in today’s case, the guy wouldn’t be sent to the frontline, no no, we are brighter than that. We would simply borrow some dimes, take the chick to Cape Town for some mysterious conference, then bring her back to her chap, and say “thank u Bathsheba, now al go have a bath!”

The ballisticest story however is of the adulterous chick that was being stoned, then Hezu came in and ws like “let he who hath no sin cast the first stone”, see us chaps expected Jesus to start throwing stones, since he had no sins, KUMBE he also just walked away, probably to River Nile, to make some wine. We were wondering why Nile Breweries is at the Nile, this guy may be their chief production manager. (Blasphemy number 2)


Ok, enough of this shit, am off to confessions!! And so should u, who has read this shit!

4 more stories!

Of the new music!!

There’s something wrong with new musicians,
For they really need to see some physicians,
Or be fed to a bunch of Alsatians,
For their songs seem to be made for Asians,
Take an example of the recently disbanded B2K,
They only sang songs for guys who be too gay,
But since most of the girls thought this was ok,
They managed to sell more records than TOK,
Then came the little chap called Chris Brown,
Who did nothing but make us frown,
Coz we are now 31, so are fully grown,
So for him, we take away the crown,
And wish nothing else but make him drown,
Coz his music makes us mourn,
And his lyrics still remain unknown,
Given a chance, I would make him mow my lawn,
For he is nothing to me but a small pawn,
But so is his compatriot J Holiday,
Who should be sent on a permanent holiday,
For he does nothing but spoil our day,
By singing crap like putting her to bed,
I can only do this when I am so dead,
For u can’t go to bed before I have been fed,
So attempt not to be mis-led,
If his silly suggestions get to yo head,
For no song has ever been made,
With no sense in it but instead,
Empty rhetoric to make your brains bitter,
Yet we are used to songs that are sweeter,
But am not speaking of Mariah Carey’s Glitter,
Coz it sounded like something to litter,
The record label had to dismiss the sister,
For her new records sounded so sinister,
But you have to give it up for Whitney,
Coz she has accomplished much more than Britney,
Who failed to sing and tried to rap,
But she only ejaculated a bunch of crap,
Which were responded to by a boo, not a hand clap,
So she had to run to rehab to rehabilitate,
But did nothing more than just masturbate,
For she couldn’t cope without her mate,
Who at a previous video shoot she had met,
But when she returned to life it was too late,
For the fans had moved on to Michael Jackson,
Whose career was like a house on arson,
But the fans still loved him,
Coz his music surely precedes him,
And will be better than any after him!!





Of Pastors and their flock!!

We go to church every Sunday,
Coz our parents reminded us everyday,
That we have to talk to God on that day,
For we have to thank him for the food he gave us yesterday,
And also for the food he will provide today,
But when we go there we find a pastor,
Who in the equivalent of a school, is a master,
For this church we go to is Pentecostal,
So the pastor calls himself an apostle,
For he believes he is a true disciple,
And we are just mere believers,
So it’s only he, who delivers,
The sermon that will save us,
From the devil that’s out to spoil us,
But before he delivers the sermon to us,
We have to offer some money,
Or if we don’t have that, then we can offer honey,
So me and my fellow believer Sonny,
Decide to ask Apostle Tony,
To spare us for we didn’t have any money,
But the pastor threatened that life ain’t all that good,
Coz shit today is just Sunday,
But we could be in the casket by Monday,
So if we kept postponing God’s payment,
We shall be doomed when it comes to our judgement,
For God shall not be kind,
If tomorrow therez no money to find,
So he will probably make us go blind,
As a punishment for having a poor mind,
So we should never again be lax,
For forgiveness won’t be there,
If we fail to pay our tax,
So we had better send God a fax,
Before he gets angry and decides to punish us,
We can do this by bringing the pastor wines and spirits,
For it is only he who can dismiss evil spirits,
And at the same time talk to the Holy Spirit,
So if we didn’t return with the spirits soon,
Our fires of hell would be lit soon,
And we shall suffocate for eternity in the heat,
And we shall descend deeper each year into the pit,
In which we shall have to stand eternally, not to sit,
And every interval, a whip, on our backs, would hit,
Till we bled from our necks to our feet,
So off we went to the supermarket to steal,
Many cartons of wines, which we brought in a fleet,
And our sins were instantly forgiven in a heart beat,
But God saw us steal, so we are in for a big beat,
When we get to his feet, the day we finally meet!!!




American election!!

There’s something about the American election,
That gives lots of girls the equivalent of an erection,
For there’s a charmer named Obama,
Who has no relation whatsoever with Osama,
And he picked a running mate named Biden,
Who also has no relation with Bin Laden,
But Obama is an African-American,
Which makes him less of a real American,
For he is considered a descendant of a slave,
And his fellow descendants felt he had been too brave,
To stand up and tell the natives how to behave,
So a very moving speech in 2004 he gave,
In which he promised the Americans he would save,
Many of their aspects of life they take for granted,
So he was the leader they really wanted,
For the rest only came to campaigns and only ranted,
Without making good on their promises,
Yet his promises were as good as a bed of roses,
And his work was equivalent to a thousand horses,
And he would also boost the morale of the US forces,
Who seem to have lost all faith in their current bosses,
And he would add their troop numbers from more sources,
For he has the ability to speak with more leaders,
Coz like a book, he had grasped them like the readers,
For his new assignment will be to weed,
All the old generation the country doesn’t need,
For they were just a bunch of idiots filled with greed,
And yet the nation needed them so the economy could feed,
For the fore fathers had sown the democracy seed,
Which these chaps were erasing at a very fast speed,
For at the polls he intended to take the lead,
So with the electorate he had to plead,
And the democratic coffers will soon bleed,
For the campaign was in a dead heat,
For they had dared the republicans to bring it,
And they responded with their machinery out of the pit,
The mudslinging that started reeked a lot of shit,
For the republican running mate came out in a slit,
And reminded all and sundry that she wasn’t a mere clit,
And she wasn’t going to just lay there and sit,
While the democrats took the Iraq war under their arm-pit,
So when Palin came out to speak she didn’t even greet,
It’s a war she brought out to the republican convention,
For she felt this was the best chance for prevention,
To halt the Democratic Party aggression,
And give Obama a one on one session,
A one round knockout punch,
That would send him back to Kisumu, to his ranch,
Where he would retire and drink lots of rum and punch,
And would probably be invited to the White House maybe for lunch,
For this fight for the white house would leave him like human crunch,
For Palin and the rest of the Republican bunch,
This wasn’t a fight to lose,
It was one to get Americans out of their woes,
But unfortunately, she received lots of boos!!!



Answers to musicians!!

Yo, am here to rant about the songs of today. See, most of these new hits have questions in them, that the artistes seem to be asking yet no one is bothering the poor fellows with answers, so here’s what I will tell them, if they bother to find answers from their fans.

1- Jordin Sparks n Chris Brown: Song – No Air
Question: Tell how am I going to breathe with no air?
Answer: Well, u simply wont, and depending on the size of your lungs,
you will probably suffocate in 2 to 3 minutes, and die soon after,
so its my humble suggestion that either u super glue yo-wa-sele-f
that chick, or we shall be organising your funeral shortly!!

2- J Holiday : Song – Suffocate
Problem: I suffocate when u are not with me (what shall I do?)
Answer: This guy apparently is simply singing the sequel to the song no
air above, coz he has surely passed that level of gasping, and he
is now suffocating. For this chap, he had better get a new chick
like right now, or we speed dial Uganda Funeral Services!!
Looks like all these artists are going to die soon, over chicks!

3- Craig David : Song – U leave me breathless
Problem: He has now suffocated (what shall I do?)
Answer: This is finally it, the sequel to the sequel of No Air, this chap is
is now finally breathless.Unfortunately, we had already sent
Uganda Funeral Services to attend to J above. So this chap
needs to speed dial Whitney Houston, and find out what she
did while she waited to exhale, or probably Toni Braxton who
in 1994 miraculously decided to “breathe again”, after going
thru the above 3 cycles!

So these buggers above have clear cut issues, which we have tried to address, but theres some pumpkins we are still trying to comprehend, like the following;

1- Backstreet Boys : Song – Show me the meaning
Problem : Show me the meaning, of being lonely, its just a
feeling, of being lonely ….(or some shit like that!)
Answer: What the hell do u mean, show u the meaning of being
lonely? Elaborate, senk u very many!
2- Ragga Dee: Song – Kinyinyiyiyiyi….Vroooommmm
Problem: My car really can’t start, and I hav to be in the studio!
Answer: Get out yo-wa ballistic phone and record yo-wa car
jamming to start, then record yo-wa-selef actually
trying to jump start it, then u’ll have killed two stones
with one bird! First u’ll have a new hit to launch, plus
a video to “soot” on all the free to air channels in
Uganda!
3 – Celine Dion: Song – All her songs
Problem: I have love problems
Answer: Shoot yourself, and spare our ears of any further
torture.

Floetic - Injustice Pt 1 - 7 short stories

1-

An ode to my 16 year old girlfriend!!

I saw her across the skreek looking so sleek,
So I went over, to see if she was my miss right,
Little did I know that she wasn’t that bright,
Coz when I held her hand, she felt so light,
That’s when it hit me, her age wasn’t that right,
Coz she was just sixteen, and like a virgin, still tight,
In an attempt to flee, she asked me not to be uptight,
For she knew what she was doing, for she was bright,
I tried to let her know she wasn’t right, with all my might,
But her brains were convinced, she knew the game,
So at this point, she said all girls were the same,
But it was at this point that from the market, her mother came,
I wasn’t ready for the beating, that would gain me fame,
For her mother was so huge, she would leave me lame,
And even if I now knew the 16 year old would be my dame,
It was with such a haste that I exited her house,
Running away like I was being chased by a cat, and I was the mouse,
It was only after I reached my house, my tail between my legs,
That I had to cool down, with a couple of boiled eggs,
So I reached for the phone, to call my dream date,
The voice on the other end said “this is Kate”,
I said I was sorry “to call this late”,
But I only wanted to speak to Yvette,
For that was the name of my dream date,
The voice on the other end asked who this was,
The only words I could utter were “this is Ross”
Then the voice said she was Rose,
And her daughter was only a teen,
So I should leave her alone and never again be seen,
Or else if I returned, her home would be a murder scene,
For she would delete me off the face of the sun’s beem,
And all that would be left of me was a face so dim,
Even the undertaker would fear to go to back,
To the scene where with an axe she would hack,
Any one who seems to like her little Miss Black,
For that was the name she put on her back pack,
And all the students at school laughed at her back,
But in two days, little Miss Black phoned me back,
To say that I was so whack, and love, I lacked,
For it was perseverance that brought all the luck,
If I was to have her as my girl for life,
For she really wanted to be my wife,
And since I also wanted her in my life,
I mustered the courage to face her mother,
For I had decided it was only this way, and no other,
That my sweet 16 year old was going to be a mother,
Of a set of nice looking kids, like no other,
And when our kid gets 16, she will be touched by no other,
For we shall be a stronger father and mother!!!
2-
How we got married!!

I met her at the café, sipping tea,
She looked so calm, like the sea,
I stared at her, she never looked at me,
I went and sat next to her, but she told me to flee,
This reminded me of the dog, getting rid of a flea,
But I stood my ground, and lit my face with a glee,
She, confused, asked me to state my purpose,
I asked her not to confuse me for a tortoise,
For I was sleek, and could make her smile,
She looked like she wanted me far off, probably by a mile,
But all she could do was open a file,
In which I was to record a statement,
Like I was at a police station, for an arraignment,
So I asked her to make with me, an arrangement,
In which I would be the master of management,
Of whatever plans we were to have,
For I was nothing but deep in love,
And could see in her eyes, she was in love too,
For she, like a white woman, hadn’t turned blue,
This was nothing less to me but a clue,
That I was going to give her a ring,
So for no reason, I started to sing,
A love song, that made her lift her wing,
And with my left hand, I removed the thing,
That she was sitting on, also called a chair,
I proceeded to caress her hair,
For we were going to be the next hot pair,
Coz we had nothing going but flair,
The love that hit us was so rare,
That we hit it off like a couple of hares,
For we didn’t have to spew off airs,
Even though we were heading to her lair,
We still had a bill to clear,
Off to the priest we went,
But first we had to visit his vent,
For confessions help us to repent,
Before we get led to sin by a serpent,
That sent Adam and Eve to a punishment,
So, we first got an engagement,
Before we were allowed to enter the arrangement,
That we shall be man and wife,
For the rest of my natural life,
In sickness and wealth,
In brokeness and health,
Till we hold our last breath,
Or till one of us reaches their death,
For ever, and ever and ever ever ever!!


3-
Heaven!!

On the day I reached heaven,
We were only seven,
For in that accident we were eleven,
But the rest,
Who were not exactly the best,
Had failed Saint Peter’s test,
And had been sent to hell,
For there, they would burn well,
And the fire lit more at the sound of the bell,
Which was kept in a strong shell,
For their souls they had decided to sell,
While the seven of us did well,
And our egos were nothing but swell,
For we were in the presence of God,
Who was listening to his i-pod,
So in front of him we stood,
Hoping he would thank us for being so good,
But at this time he wasn’t in a good mood,
For Jesus hadn’t brought him his food,
So he told us to sit on a piece of wood,
And on his side was an angel,
Who we later learnt was the angel of doom,
Coz sometimes she flew on a broom,
I only wished I could spray her with a can of doom,
For my smile had turned to gloom,
Like it was a wedding, and I the groom,
For only sadness had descended upon the room,
For we realised we were in for the final test,
I only wished I could be the best,
Hopefully do much better than the rest,
For I never wanted to go to the west,
Where Satan had laid to rest,
But God, in his wisdom,
Invited us instead to his kingdom,
For we had been granted freedom,
To form our little chiefdom,
For during our earth days, we had been kind,
We had even helped the blind,
We also never looked at anatha woman’s hind,
For we even had a well groomed mind,
We even one time turned water to wine,
When we one time went out to dine,
And used up all our dime,
To buy out all the stocks of lime,
And mixed with some shots of slime,
That would have been considered a crime,
But we were at that age considered prime,
For we were as innovative as could be created,
And into heaven we were initiated!!


4-
In the noose this week!!

From the coffers of the NSSF fund,
The managers decided to buy land,
So they decided to get a helping hand,
From the ministers, but not the one of Lands,
So they decided to buy land, which was later declared sand,
For it sat on a large expanse of wetland,
So corruption, became the minister’s new brand,
For their accusers were so blunt,
That the minister’s ego got so burnt,
But there were no lessons that he learnt,
For money is the only thing he may want,
And so he went to parliament to rant,
But the rants only fell on deaf ears,
For the accusers had heard that over the years,
And were alleging nothing but fear,
And sang that they were in the NRM, not FDC,
So the minister begun to see,
That the vision that only his boss could see,
Was probably in FDC,
And just like their cousins MDC,
A sweet victory soon, they could see,
But not for Beti,
For she was treated like spaghetti,
So she got so bitter,
And resigned sooner than later,
For she felt things wouldn’t get better,
So she handed in the resignation letter,
For she felt she was a trend setter,
And also a go getter,
But the FDC decided to let her,
Leave, then later get the better of her,
But rumours linked her supporters to Bukenya,
And also said they were from Kenya,
And added that she liked the singer Enya,
That had nothing to do with her woes,
And also had no connection to her blues,
But all she could do was blame her foes,
For she had been tarnished,
Like a chicken that has just been garnished,
She was going to be sacrificed,
And as Jesus had been sold out,
She was going to be taken out,
Even the local elections had a poor turn-out,
For they couldn’t do without,
The woman in the FDC noose,
And like the man in the NRM noose,
They both turned out to be geese,
To be sacrificed with ease,
For the sole aim of appeasing,
The peasants who’ll be voting!!



5-
A guide to Ugandan English!!

Sometimes we go on dates, and the peoples we be taking out are funny as hell! This was a conversation on one of the dates I had with a campus chick:

Me: So whats yo name?
Campuser: Me my names I am co-rro-d Sorome.
M: Oh, am Oba!
C: Eh, where do you put up?
M: Well, wat do u mean?
C: I mean do u put up those sides of Bugos, Wandegs or wat?
M: Oh, That? I “put up” in Mbuya!
C: Eh, so you are neighbours with those of the Salim Salehs? (eeeekkk! Those of the who???)
M: Yah, those of the Salim’s are my neighbours!
C: Ok, so u found them the-ya, or they found u the-ya? (seriously, are u sure u are in a university??)
M: What do u mean I found them there?
C: Like did u move there before them, or after?
M: Aahhh, no, I found them the-ya, actually!

It is at this point that any sane person takes a bow, not like the Rihana song, but for the campuser, for how she managed to pass “Cantab”, no one knows.

Swiftly moving on, theres the English of the taxi conductors, see, these are most innovative chaps, will do anything to make a dime, the true marketers, forget these chaps of sijui wakina Tusker malt marketing night. A taxi chap will be yelling at the top of his voice;

“Blazza, blazza, Bugolobi Luzira Meat, omu asigadde, one going!!” Manager, sista, one going.”
In the event that the chap passes by without embarking the taxi, the chap will be like “Eh, u are no longer?” Oyo muveeko!! Tagenda!

Then the world cup definitely goes to the Premiership soccer commentators on the local radio stations. Well, it’s a plus to know 2 languages, but its funny when the English being narrated is kinda fractured, in multiple places, heres a typical commentary;

“Drogoba, its Drogoba, wiz ball, drogoba, he move, he dribble, drogoba, he dribble, he dribble again, and oh my god, drogoba, he reaches gorri, and drogoba now, he soooooooottt, oohohohohohoh….(the audience is waiting impatiently for the out come of the “sot”! Aluta continua

“Abaade amu teebye” Drogoba, he had score! Wat a miss. (Audience sits back down, disappointed!)
And ofcourse the winner is any house girl, for any male in the house is “Uncle”, and the girls “auntie”. So the typical question is “Uncle, I need money for a matchbox”, “Ok niece, here’s the 1 thousand!!”.

6-
Accents !!

Its weird how we all have a distinct way of speaking, such that u can know a person by the way he spews out whatever he wants to say. Take for example this meeting with a traffic officer recently;

Officer: Ello mi brada, how is de-ya? Yes, wello done!!Now, de licence is ok, but de tayass is very worn out ello, ei no u are a very powerful man ello, just give me de kitu kidogo ello, den u ken be on yo way!!

Yep, u guessd it, he is probably called Odongpin! Then someone ordering food in a restaurant and goes:

Customer: Do u have chips and river!! Meanwhirrre, this press is very dirty, where is the meneja, haza ndug’o misho!! Carr anatha waiter!!

Yep, u guessed it, he is probably called Ainebyona or something like it!

Then wen u enter any shop in Kampala, 4 out 5 times dictate that the person will be like;

Shop attendant: Wery velcome sir! Vat can I get u? Vi haw good discount ttoday, vat is yo pik?? Discount I giw, discount I giw!!! (If he nods his head up n down, he is saying no, if he nods side to side, he means yes)

Yep, his name is Gujarat, from Bombay, Pakistan or Sri Lanka!

Then when u go to any airport in the world and some stray chap approaches you and starts this conversation;

“Mi brodda, mi broda, I have moni (pronounced moh-ni) from Soni Abocho’s frozen bonk occount in Switzerland, if u gov me your bonk ocount details al sond it there, then give you a cot of 10 porcent of the omount we send!!! Is thot a deal or wot??

Yep, his name is Obatunde, or Babatunde!!

Of course the Wanjirus shouldn’t be spared either, these guys whose university KIU (Kenyans In Uganda) can confuse u with a combo of swa and English, like;

“So I was in this joint with wakina Patrick, but the music was sijui new hits, which we found to be mbaya, so we kwendad and ingia-d anatha jwa, but the seats were jua-kali, so the asses were just moto moto, we headed back to KIU!!

But the white chaps, with full axa’s are also a victim of funny stuffs! U ever heard chaps from the UK? Heres how u know;

“Ait maits (mates), we gonna eat loonch (lunch) then we head out to ent-aii-be (entebe) before it gets too laa-iit (late – pronounced laaiitt)

But the winner, have u ever heard a Libyan speak?
Me neither!!

When Lake Victoria almost dried!!

It was 2005, when the water levels at Lake Victoria were going down so fast, we had load shedding for 12 hours a day and didn’t complain, like the South African are now! We had pictures headlining in all major newspapers, of the water levels before, then after, which prompted several debates, mostly political.

The biggest debate however was how would marriages survive, coz most marriages of today were built around vibes that were compounded by a story on lake Victoria, a sample of which can be seen here, of a letter sent after an Interact function at Namilyango, to a chick in Gayaza;

“My dearest Nankya,
My blood boils every time a tought of you crosses my mind, which has forced the brain to order the hand to pick up the pen and jot down the ideas on this fabulous writing pad. How is the atmosphere there treating you?
U know how much I love you, I love you more than cabbages!! You are the prime minister of my heart, and this is not a coalition government, the heart is yours only. I love u so much, my love will only die if Lake Victoria dries!!!!

Deds; Water runs dry – Boyz 2 Men
Water falls - TLC
Just like water – to be sung by Lauryn Hill (its 1995, she's still in the fugees, duuhhh!!)

So now you see my point, when the lake levels were going down, people started consulting the spirits to save their marriages, from all sorts of preachers, its should be noted that some of these spirits were later found at a pastor’s house! The defence argued that they were evil spirits, that had been cast out!

Anatha issue that would hav been a problem was our local musicians and top businessmen! We are informed, not reliably though, that they frequent the lake, go deep underground and make a sacrifice that includes a couple of raw eggs and chicken legs, then they emerge and hit it big.

Now with the lake dwindling, we were worried that the end of business was nigh, upon us like the apocalypto, predicted but neva reaching. We were beginning to think that the jews were right all along. We would like to ask the producers of Nat Geo wild to check on these stories, so we get a glimpse of the underground!