1-
An ode to my 16 year old girlfriend!!
I saw her across the skreek looking so sleek,
So I went over, to see if she was my miss right,
Little did I know that she wasn’t that bright,
Coz when I held her hand, she felt so light,
That’s when it hit me, her age wasn’t that right,
Coz she was just sixteen, and like a virgin, still tight,
In an attempt to flee, she asked me not to be uptight,
For she knew what she was doing, for she was bright,
I tried to let her know she wasn’t right, with all my might,
But her brains were convinced, she knew the game,
So at this point, she said all girls were the same,
But it was at this point that from the market, her mother came,
I wasn’t ready for the beating, that would gain me fame,
For her mother was so huge, she would leave me lame,
And even if I now knew the 16 year old would be my dame,
It was with such a haste that I exited her house,
Running away like I was being chased by a cat, and I was the mouse,
It was only after I reached my house, my tail between my legs,
That I had to cool down, with a couple of boiled eggs,
So I reached for the phone, to call my dream date,
The voice on the other end said “this is Kate”,
I said I was sorry “to call this late”,
But I only wanted to speak to Yvette,
For that was the name of my dream date,
The voice on the other end asked who this was,
The only words I could utter were “this is Ross”
Then the voice said she was Rose,
And her daughter was only a teen,
So I should leave her alone and never again be seen,
Or else if I returned, her home would be a murder scene,
For she would delete me off the face of the sun’s beem,
And all that would be left of me was a face so dim,
Even the undertaker would fear to go to back,
To the scene where with an axe she would hack,
Any one who seems to like her little Miss Black,
For that was the name she put on her back pack,
And all the students at school laughed at her back,
But in two days, little Miss Black phoned me back,
To say that I was so whack, and love, I lacked,
For it was perseverance that brought all the luck,
If I was to have her as my girl for life,
For she really wanted to be my wife,
And since I also wanted her in my life,
I mustered the courage to face her mother,
For I had decided it was only this way, and no other,
That my sweet 16 year old was going to be a mother,
Of a set of nice looking kids, like no other,
And when our kid gets 16, she will be touched by no other,
For we shall be a stronger father and mother!!!
2-
How we got married!!
I met her at the café, sipping tea,
She looked so calm, like the sea,
I stared at her, she never looked at me,
I went and sat next to her, but she told me to flee,
This reminded me of the dog, getting rid of a flea,
But I stood my ground, and lit my face with a glee,
She, confused, asked me to state my purpose,
I asked her not to confuse me for a tortoise,
For I was sleek, and could make her smile,
She looked like she wanted me far off, probably by a mile,
But all she could do was open a file,
In which I was to record a statement,
Like I was at a police station, for an arraignment,
So I asked her to make with me, an arrangement,
In which I would be the master of management,
Of whatever plans we were to have,
For I was nothing but deep in love,
And could see in her eyes, she was in love too,
For she, like a white woman, hadn’t turned blue,
This was nothing less to me but a clue,
That I was going to give her a ring,
So for no reason, I started to sing,
A love song, that made her lift her wing,
And with my left hand, I removed the thing,
That she was sitting on, also called a chair,
I proceeded to caress her hair,
For we were going to be the next hot pair,
Coz we had nothing going but flair,
The love that hit us was so rare,
That we hit it off like a couple of hares,
For we didn’t have to spew off airs,
Even though we were heading to her lair,
We still had a bill to clear,
Off to the priest we went,
But first we had to visit his vent,
For confessions help us to repent,
Before we get led to sin by a serpent,
That sent Adam and Eve to a punishment,
So, we first got an engagement,
Before we were allowed to enter the arrangement,
That we shall be man and wife,
For the rest of my natural life,
In sickness and wealth,
In brokeness and health,
Till we hold our last breath,
Or till one of us reaches their death,
For ever, and ever and ever ever ever!!
3-
Heaven!!
On the day I reached heaven,
We were only seven,
For in that accident we were eleven,
But the rest,
Who were not exactly the best,
Had failed Saint Peter’s test,
And had been sent to hell,
For there, they would burn well,
And the fire lit more at the sound of the bell,
Which was kept in a strong shell,
For their souls they had decided to sell,
While the seven of us did well,
And our egos were nothing but swell,
For we were in the presence of God,
Who was listening to his i-pod,
So in front of him we stood,
Hoping he would thank us for being so good,
But at this time he wasn’t in a good mood,
For Jesus hadn’t brought him his food,
So he told us to sit on a piece of wood,
And on his side was an angel,
Who we later learnt was the angel of doom,
Coz sometimes she flew on a broom,
I only wished I could spray her with a can of doom,
For my smile had turned to gloom,
Like it was a wedding, and I the groom,
For only sadness had descended upon the room,
For we realised we were in for the final test,
I only wished I could be the best,
Hopefully do much better than the rest,
For I never wanted to go to the west,
Where Satan had laid to rest,
But God, in his wisdom,
Invited us instead to his kingdom,
For we had been granted freedom,
To form our little chiefdom,
For during our earth days, we had been kind,
We had even helped the blind,
We also never looked at anatha woman’s hind,
For we even had a well groomed mind,
We even one time turned water to wine,
When we one time went out to dine,
And used up all our dime,
To buy out all the stocks of lime,
And mixed with some shots of slime,
That would have been considered a crime,
But we were at that age considered prime,
For we were as innovative as could be created,
And into heaven we were initiated!!
4-
In the noose this week!!
From the coffers of the NSSF fund,
The managers decided to buy land,
So they decided to get a helping hand,
From the ministers, but not the one of Lands,
So they decided to buy land, which was later declared sand,
For it sat on a large expanse of wetland,
So corruption, became the minister’s new brand,
For their accusers were so blunt,
That the minister’s ego got so burnt,
But there were no lessons that he learnt,
For money is the only thing he may want,
And so he went to parliament to rant,
But the rants only fell on deaf ears,
For the accusers had heard that over the years,
And were alleging nothing but fear,
And sang that they were in the NRM, not FDC,
So the minister begun to see,
That the vision that only his boss could see,
Was probably in FDC,
And just like their cousins MDC,
A sweet victory soon, they could see,
But not for Beti,
For she was treated like spaghetti,
So she got so bitter,
And resigned sooner than later,
For she felt things wouldn’t get better,
So she handed in the resignation letter,
For she felt she was a trend setter,
And also a go getter,
But the FDC decided to let her,
Leave, then later get the better of her,
But rumours linked her supporters to Bukenya,
And also said they were from Kenya,
And added that she liked the singer Enya,
That had nothing to do with her woes,
And also had no connection to her blues,
But all she could do was blame her foes,
For she had been tarnished,
Like a chicken that has just been garnished,
She was going to be sacrificed,
And as Jesus had been sold out,
She was going to be taken out,
Even the local elections had a poor turn-out,
For they couldn’t do without,
The woman in the FDC noose,
And like the man in the NRM noose,
They both turned out to be geese,
To be sacrificed with ease,
For the sole aim of appeasing,
The peasants who’ll be voting!!
5-
A guide to Ugandan English!!
Sometimes we go on dates, and the peoples we be taking out are funny as hell! This was a conversation on one of the dates I had with a campus chick:
Me: So whats yo name?
Campuser: Me my names I am co-rro-d Sorome.
M: Oh, am Oba!
C: Eh, where do you put up?
M: Well, wat do u mean?
C: I mean do u put up those sides of Bugos, Wandegs or wat?
M: Oh, That? I “put up” in Mbuya!
C: Eh, so you are neighbours with those of the Salim Salehs? (eeeekkk! Those of the who???)
M: Yah, those of the Salim’s are my neighbours!
C: Ok, so u found them the-ya, or they found u the-ya? (seriously, are u sure u are in a university??)
M: What do u mean I found them there?
C: Like did u move there before them, or after?
M: Aahhh, no, I found them the-ya, actually!
It is at this point that any sane person takes a bow, not like the Rihana song, but for the campuser, for how she managed to pass “Cantab”, no one knows.
Swiftly moving on, theres the English of the taxi conductors, see, these are most innovative chaps, will do anything to make a dime, the true marketers, forget these chaps of sijui wakina Tusker malt marketing night. A taxi chap will be yelling at the top of his voice;
“Blazza, blazza, Bugolobi Luzira Meat, omu asigadde, one going!!” Manager, sista, one going.”
In the event that the chap passes by without embarking the taxi, the chap will be like “Eh, u are no longer?” Oyo muveeko!! Tagenda!
Then the world cup definitely goes to the Premiership soccer commentators on the local radio stations. Well, it’s a plus to know 2 languages, but its funny when the English being narrated is kinda fractured, in multiple places, heres a typical commentary;
“Drogoba, its Drogoba, wiz ball, drogoba, he move, he dribble, drogoba, he dribble, he dribble again, and oh my god, drogoba, he reaches gorri, and drogoba now, he soooooooottt, oohohohohohoh….(the audience is waiting impatiently for the out come of the “sot”! Aluta continua
“Abaade amu teebye” Drogoba, he had score! Wat a miss. (Audience sits back down, disappointed!)
And ofcourse the winner is any house girl, for any male in the house is “Uncle”, and the girls “auntie”. So the typical question is “Uncle, I need money for a matchbox”, “Ok niece, here’s the 1 thousand!!”.
6-
Accents !!
Its weird how we all have a distinct way of speaking, such that u can know a person by the way he spews out whatever he wants to say. Take for example this meeting with a traffic officer recently;
Officer: Ello mi brada, how is de-ya? Yes, wello done!!Now, de licence is ok, but de tayass is very worn out ello, ei no u are a very powerful man ello, just give me de kitu kidogo ello, den u ken be on yo way!!
Yep, u guessd it, he is probably called Odongpin! Then someone ordering food in a restaurant and goes:
Customer: Do u have chips and river!! Meanwhirrre, this press is very dirty, where is the meneja, haza ndug’o misho!! Carr anatha waiter!!
Yep, u guessed it, he is probably called Ainebyona or something like it!
Then wen u enter any shop in Kampala, 4 out 5 times dictate that the person will be like;
Shop attendant: Wery velcome sir! Vat can I get u? Vi haw good discount ttoday, vat is yo pik?? Discount I giw, discount I giw!!! (If he nods his head up n down, he is saying no, if he nods side to side, he means yes)
Yep, his name is Gujarat, from Bombay, Pakistan or Sri Lanka!
Then when u go to any airport in the world and some stray chap approaches you and starts this conversation;
“Mi brodda, mi broda, I have moni (pronounced moh-ni) from Soni Abocho’s frozen bonk occount in Switzerland, if u gov me your bonk ocount details al sond it there, then give you a cot of 10 porcent of the omount we send!!! Is thot a deal or wot??
Yep, his name is Obatunde, or Babatunde!!
Of course the Wanjirus shouldn’t be spared either, these guys whose university KIU (Kenyans In Uganda) can confuse u with a combo of swa and English, like;
“So I was in this joint with wakina Patrick, but the music was sijui new hits, which we found to be mbaya, so we kwendad and ingia-d anatha jwa, but the seats were jua-kali, so the asses were just moto moto, we headed back to KIU!!
But the white chaps, with full axa’s are also a victim of funny stuffs! U ever heard chaps from the UK? Heres how u know;
“Ait maits (mates), we gonna eat loonch (lunch) then we head out to ent-aii-be (entebe) before it gets too laa-iit (late – pronounced laaiitt)
But the winner, have u ever heard a Libyan speak?
Me neither!!
When Lake Victoria almost dried!!
It was 2005, when the water levels at Lake Victoria were going down so fast, we had load shedding for 12 hours a day and didn’t complain, like the South African are now! We had pictures headlining in all major newspapers, of the water levels before, then after, which prompted several debates, mostly political.
The biggest debate however was how would marriages survive, coz most marriages of today were built around vibes that were compounded by a story on lake Victoria, a sample of which can be seen here, of a letter sent after an Interact function at Namilyango, to a chick in Gayaza;
“My dearest Nankya,
My blood boils every time a tought of you crosses my mind, which has forced the brain to order the hand to pick up the pen and jot down the ideas on this fabulous writing pad. How is the atmosphere there treating you?
U know how much I love you, I love you more than cabbages!! You are the prime minister of my heart, and this is not a coalition government, the heart is yours only. I love u so much, my love will only die if Lake Victoria dries!!!!
Deds; Water runs dry – Boyz 2 Men
Water falls - TLC
Just like water – to be sung by Lauryn Hill (its 1995, she's still in the fugees, duuhhh!!)
So now you see my point, when the lake levels were going down, people started consulting the spirits to save their marriages, from all sorts of preachers, its should be noted that some of these spirits were later found at a pastor’s house! The defence argued that they were evil spirits, that had been cast out!
Anatha issue that would hav been a problem was our local musicians and top businessmen! We are informed, not reliably though, that they frequent the lake, go deep underground and make a sacrifice that includes a couple of raw eggs and chicken legs, then they emerge and hit it big.
Now with the lake dwindling, we were worried that the end of business was nigh, upon us like the apocalypto, predicted but neva reaching. We were beginning to think that the jews were right all along. We would like to ask the producers of Nat Geo wild to check on these stories, so we get a glimpse of the underground!
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