1 - The wedding meeting sms!
It all starts on Monday morning, when all thats on yo mind is nothing but making some dimes, to replenish the now yawning pockets, diminished by the new money consuming hobbies that have filled the entire weekend hours, in the names of soccer, formula 1, rugby sevens and even idle shows like Big brother. If DSTV and GTV are not named the highest money minters this year (of course after De La Rue, the company contracted to print money for over half the world’s countries), then all their managers should be sacked, and sent to act in the Big brother house with the rest of Africa’s most idle kwanks! (rememba that word, that’ll be for anatha day)
Where was I before I rudely interrupted myself with that rant…ahhh, le mii chiiii…ah yes, the empty wallets on Monday morning! So as one is still contemplating what deal to pull off, from any source (see we Ugandans are the hardest enterprenuers in the world, u can even ask those chaps at UNIDO, they shall verify my nonsense, I mean we shall use the office fax to send out personal quotations for household material of some chap moving to the UK to wash saucepans! that’s how hard we be).
I keep interrupting myself, deviating from the main story, so my inner voice is like “vvy u keep interrupttting the story, vat is the matter?”, and the first thing that crosses my mind is “damn, my inner voice is an Indian??” This is some bullshieee!!
Ok now for real, the story!! So, I was yapping of the deal being on yo mind, thinking of that first 50 g’s u will make, then suddenly, the phone starts vibrating (if u still hav an Erickson, please skip this paragraph), then in a matter of seconds, the light starts flickering, u get excited, coz the deal has brought itself to u, without even as much of u calling, yo hands tremble as u reach for the phone, the heart starts racing, faster than Usain Bolt, even though u have clearly never fed it on yams, but it is smashing records in anticipation of this deal. Yo mind is racing too, with thoughts like “wat excuse will I give the boss so I can take off earlier before lunch?”.
Within seconds, u have the phone in yo hand, right now it is the most prized possession yo hand has ever held! Even if the hardest chick u have ever seen, she being the new intern in the Accounts department passes by, u just have no time for her shit, coz THIS IS A DEAL GODAMIT!!!
The thumb immediately reaches for the left button saying “read” then all hopes come crashing down to earth, faster than the anticipated Nibiru giants, coz here’s what u see;
“U are cordially invited blah blah blah blah to the 2nd blah blah blah of (insert that guy’s name, who u met at the bus park and he was introduced to u by some guy u were with in school, nursery school, 20 years ago) and (insert any girl’s name here) at Karoli gardens at 5.30pm every Wednesday. Please bring a friend.
Alright, first of all, who the hell is this Vincent chap and how the hell did he get my number? And I bring a friend? Well one of my favourite movies of all time is “Scarface”, am hoping u have all seen it, coz its most memorable line is “say hello to my little friend, his name is Uzi!!”
Better yet, this message is a problem, so let me rhyme to that, “I got a revolver, the problem solver”, these sms-sending chaps deserve to be shot!!!! U can call them “Sherrif”, coz “I shot the sherrif”! That will be my defence!
2 - Back in the day!!
“Back in the day when I was young am not a kid anymore but sometimes wish I could be a kid again”
Those are the lyrics (lyzos) from ahmad’s 1994 hit when he decided to reminisce on the good ol days, so I shall go back, to rememba the hard words we used to use.
“Boddo” – This meant, something like “ok, fine” so a line would be like “kale, u have refused to give me on some popcorn, kale, boddo, boddo, me al get u also”
“Arched” – this word was said with the left femur bone, which happens to go by the name “left hand” gesturing over the head, to mean you have been dismissed, and used to follow words like “so wat”, “I know” or “that much I know”! So someone would be like “u have my book” and if the reply was “so wat”, any by stander would go “acha cha cha cha cha, u have been arched!!”
“No touch-ingos” – This came from the popular pastime of the 90’s, forget this Big brother nonsense. So when yo-wa “dull”, usually a hard seed that fell off some jacaranda trees, used in a game the white chaps call “marble” was two palm spreads away from the next “dull”, the owner of the other “dull” had the option of removing it or risk losing the game, in a certain way. So for him to remove it, he would invoke rule 6 of the “dull” game that said “no touch-ingoz” and thereby remove it from sight. But apparently chicks these days use the same rule, when in cinemas! They be like “Mike, no touch-ingoz!!”
“Am going to report on you!” – The hardest statement ever, its actually still in use today! This sentence is accompanied by the expression of one hitting his forefinger on the thumb several times, in situations where one has been caught doing some shit he wasn’t supposed to be doing in the first place!
“Oso yuuuu” – A statement that follows the above, a pleading statement to the plaintiff mentioned above saying “am goin to report on u” by the defendant, begging for forgiveness not to be reported on!
“Kwank” – Rememba when I said “that word is for anatha story?”, well this is the story!! Apparently a kwank was a lousy chap, or a guy that was too slow to understand shit, or in an equivalent of today, a “dwanzie”.
“You are war” – This is the direct opposite of “kwank” above. Apparently, if u were a good mathematician, the expression would be “that guy is war at maths!”
“O buttie” – A bright punk, who is war at all the subjects.
“Cantab” – Final exam at the end of a syllabus, i.e Primary, O-level and A-level.
Here’s a statement we all made in 1993;
“That’s guy is an o-buttie, he is even war in basketball, but when it comes to talking to girls, he is just a kwank, he cant talk, he only wants to touch-ingoz, am going to report on him to the headmaster!!”
“but osso u, if u report on him, it wont be boddo!”
“That much I know!”
“Acha cha cha cha, U have arched me!!!!”
3 - My TV Girlfriend!!
Am so ugly, like Jay-Zee
And my mind is going cray-zee
Coz I cant get a fiancé
Who looks like Beyonce
So I shall settle for Naome
Coz I think she knows me,
I gave up on Tyra Banks,
Coz I would keep going to the bank,
But wait, therez Halle Berry,
Oh I hear she tastes like a Cherry,
But she was married to David Justice,
Oh that was such an injustice,
And wat of Vanessa Williams,
Well she looked like a dude,
When she decided to pose nude,
But that’s so mean,
Well she wasn’t that lean,
When she took off her jeans,
And yes there was Jada,
Well she’s no longer hotter,
Than Peaches in Jason’s Lyric,
When she was a hot chic,
And so was Vivica Fox,
As sly as a real fox,
She made our knees knock,
When she sat atop a box,
And this aint a hoax,
But she made us drool,
And look like a fool,
While we were at school,
But now we are older,
And she too is older,
So we have grown bolder,
And discovered that,
To pull the rabbit out the hat,
We just have to get smart,
And stop dreaming of a TV chick,
Yet we are so slick,
And these chicks make us sick,
So we have to get real,
And also have to feel,
The natural tender skin,
Of a chick of our kin,
Coz fantasizing,
Leads to nothing,
But exercising,
The crap called day dreaming,
So now we shall get our own chicks,
That look exactly like the TV Chicks!!
That was a weak flow, no sense at all!!
4 - A pact with the devil!
This is not for the faint-hearted, and no, am not talking about NatGeo Wild on Sunday afternoons! Am talking about the believers, those that think “blasphemy” is actually a word.
See, as a seventh day absentist, my Sabbath involves many activities, which all start with a long warm bath!! On the seventh day, am always absent from where everyone else bees!
When I think of heaven, its some place with white angels, singing boring songs like “kumbaaaayaaa, my rod kumbayaaa!” This actually reminds me of “my rod” (blasphemy number 1)
I was reading the book of exodus, and its so vulgar, according to my interpretations. Coz in which other situation does a man go with his rod, parts the waters and lets his people go???!!!
The hardest story however is that chick bathseba, too hard, full hips, even though she never ate chips, and never gave out tips, and had ballistic looking lips! Don’t blame me, that’s the bible rhyme, as if Tupac! Now if that story was true, why are u blaming the man, we would have done EXACTLY the same thing, despite reading the punishment that befell that king chap! See in today’s case, the guy wouldn’t be sent to the frontline, no no, we are brighter than that. We would simply borrow some dimes, take the chick to Cape Town for some mysterious conference, then bring her back to her chap, and say “thank u Bathsheba, now al go have a bath!”
The ballisticest story however is of the adulterous chick that was being stoned, then Hezu came in and ws like “let he who hath no sin cast the first stone”, see us chaps expected Jesus to start throwing stones, since he had no sins, KUMBE he also just walked away, probably to River Nile, to make some wine. We were wondering why Nile Breweries is at the Nile, this guy may be their chief production manager. (Blasphemy number 2)
Ok, enough of this shit, am off to confessions!! And so should u, who has read this shit!
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