To cap September!

1 - Nostra Dumb-Ass

The end of the year is upon us, the guys at Hallmark must be thanking the Vatican for having introduced chistmas, coz card sales are going to raise their profits hundred times over, neva mind the fact that we are slowly forgetting what Christmas is REALLY all about in the first place.

But the aim today is to predict the rest of the year, as if the horoscope for end of 2k8!

Politicians – They will continue, unabated, to take public funds like a god-given right. these guys have the guts, or rather nuts, to stand to us and say “look here young ferrow, we’ve been doing this for mad years, since u were in yo nappies, u cant just wake up and say STOP!!”. First off, thanks to queen pen for that rhyme there, and secondly, don’t be surprised by this rant!

The minister of health – He will probably organise 15 more “workshops”, we still know workshops as areas where timber is turned into furniture, for home or office use! But these health workshops will be about “non-communicable diseases!” These diseases we believe are those that we humans have failed to have a sensible conversation with, like “look here disease, how much can I bribe u with so u kill far fewer people?” “uummm….arrggh…ummm” “Am sori, this disease is dumb as hell, lets classify him as non-communicable, and create a workshop to sensitize the public, and urge them to be vigilant”.

The Uganda Cranes – They will go ahead and lose all the remaining games in the qualifying stage. These chaps get their lessons in Arabic, and have implemented the arab tenet of writing backwards, by scoring backwards! Maybe they should get a coach whose name we can pronounce, first was Srejedovic, then Cszaba!! If countries were allowed to sell their players, we would have sold all these chaps to Sparta Prague, as ballboys! These chaps will qualify for the Africa Cup in 2020, when FIFA makes it compulsory for all 52 African countries to compete!

Kampala City Mayor – He will buy bigger tyres for his Hummer just to make sure he enjoys the city roads, whose residents are complaining of having so many pot holes, as an example to the residents! He will advice them to stop whining, and buy bigger cars, “since the lumpen they elected to fix the pot holes is just not up to his job”

Horoscopes – They will become more factual. Newspapers will stop re-printing the horoscopes of 1988 in a bid to fill space. So you will no longer see something like “tomorrow u will receive a telegram with good news, a new type writer that resets itself!”

The minister of education – He will continue organising more fire drills in all boarding schools. The techniques he will instil in the pupils include the singing of that ol song whenever a fire breaks out “London’s burning, London’s burning, bring some water, bring some water, fire fire, fire fire, pa won water, pa won water!!”

Obama – sadly, he will lose the election. After Gore and Kerry, placing any hopes on the American electorate is like seeing the Uganda Cranes at the African Cup of Nations!!

King Oyo – He will probably stop dreaming about the new super Mario Nintendo game with Xbox compatibility while attending royal functions, and dressing ridiculously like Shaka Zulu, in 1810!

Born again pastors – They shall be arrested for defilement, smuggling wines and spirits, stealing their follower’s material things…..oh am so sori, that has already been done, these are the predictions! We anticipate that one of these chaps is going to slaughter his kid, in the name of making a sacrifice, as if Abraham, then when the police question him, he’ll say God ordered him to do so, “plus he thought he would find the substitute lamb at the scene”


2 - War!

I was caught up in a war,
When I was only four,
The enemy troops,
Started shelling our roofs,
Then they announced on the news,
That they were not here for a truce,
They came in a battalion,
Their leader riding on a stallion,
They said they were not the joke,
Of which the government spoke,
They said the rest of their platoon,
Will be here before noon,
And before the rising of the moon,
There shall be a new dawn,
And some peace will return to this town,
For were tired of the old broom,
That was leading this country to doom,
And when they shell his palace at noon,
All he will hear shall be a big BOOM,
And he will run like an insect sprayed by doom,
And thus shall return our cherished freedom,
For he was running us like a kingdom,
And was amassing a lot of wealth,
While the peasants suffered in poor health,
But he will need a lot of stealth,
If he’s to escape the rebel threat,
For he shall do nothing but sweat,
When he is attacked by their mighty strength,
For they were here to liberate,
And said we would all later celebrate,
And we would thank them for being so great,
That even our lost possessions we would forfeit,
For they were the new messiahs,
In this era where there are no dictators,
But we had no choice but to flee,
Lest the bombs would turn us to ghee,
As we had to go to a location,
Where we used to go for vacation,
A place that was next to a lake,
For all civilian’s lives were at stake,
And we would no longer feed on cake,
And scavenging we would now undertake,
But the WFP gave us flour to bake,
And UNHCR also gave us a tent,
So we would have a place to rest,
We only wished for nothing but the best,
Because wars are the most we detest!!!