The audacity of Hope!!

1 -Beauty pageants!

Kampala is practically on fire with beauty pageants that have practically lost all meaning! Can u imagine attending Miss “sunset pub”, in Kabuusu! The winner will take home a tattered and battered starlet, that even the mechanics refused to tear apart coz the parts can NEVA be used again! Don’t ask me how I know, al make it simple, I WENT FOR IT!

No, I didn’t contest, I was watching, and am proud to share with u the stuffs that I saw!

Contestant Number 1 – beach wear!
This s a true story. See this chick had the misfortune of watching Die Anatha Day, not at Cineplex, but the other version with a translation, but u don’t need a translator to see Halle Berry walking out of the ocean, and by the way, what the hell was she doing in that ocean in the first place? Probably waiting for the cameras, so she comes shaking her waist, for us chaps to hav sleepless nights day dreaming at night of her ballistic self! Where was I, oh, the beach wear contestant! So she comes in, probably after tearing bits of her pillow case cover and tying them around her naughty bits, and this was her version of beach wear, coz u could see the Vita Foam logo on the back side!

Neva had I seen such a collection of stretch marks in my life, even the stretch marks had their own stretch marks, and they were green!! I know we hav red blood cells and white blood cells, am still trying to figure out wat the hell is green in the system! This was a rainbow coalition of different coloured marks, as if the South African flag!

Contestant numero deux – that’s number 2, for the uni-linguals! Creative wear!
Chick number 2 comes in with a fruit collection, banana fibres to cover “the other monologues”, then 2 water melons to cover up the 2 “small excuses for boobs”, and a cluster of yellow bananas to act as braids, she probably watched the Williams sisters in the US open finals of 2001, coz that was their style! U can see how hideous this was, even Dr Jekyll would jam to turn to Hyde, if Hyde looked like this chick! Even Halloween costume designers jammed to make this costume coz “the other costumes would be offended!”

That’s it with the contestants, lets skip thru to question time;
MC – Miss contestant, what would u like to be if u won this crown!
Contestant – Me, I would like to use this chance to become a celebrity! (this English has been heavily edited, so that u can read it, but otherwise, a translator was called in to interpret the question!)
MC – Who is the greatest Ugandan!
Contestant – My boyfriend!
MC – Why?
Contestant – Becoz for him, he buys for me chips, when I beep him!

It is at this point ladies and gents, that I humbly walked out, to go for Miss Tourism!!



2 - The audacity of Hope!

You may think you are familiar with this title, but I guarantee u have no clue! So this is the story:

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon, I was chilling on my compound, under my umbrella-ellah-ellah eh eh, when my phone rang, and this chick on the other end said she had got my number from an acquaintance, and she wanted to buy me a pint! Me, being the broke chap that I am, and taking this sijui women emancipation stuff of “they can now buy pints” seriously, agreed to the meet!

So the voice says we head off to one of these new CHOGM hotels that sprung up faster than ant hills between April and October last year, mbu the pints were now cheap as they had to sell off stuff to repay the loans they used to import all those bathroom tiles!

So we head off to this gwa, in Kololo, full ballistic place, and I find this chick, not bad looking, so I was going to kill 2 stones….with one bird! And heres how;
Stone no. 1 - The bird would buy the pints,
Stone no. 2 – The bird would take me to her home, if the pints kicked in!

See, everything was according to plan! In my head, I was like “God has really forgiven my sins, I thought that when the priests tell u “say 2 hail mary’s and yo sins will be sorted”, were getting rid of me, KUMBE this was my blessing!

Away from the bullshit we sit down, and start the conversation ANY Ugandan would have with a chick!

She: Hi!
Me: Hi!
She: Me, my names am Hope!
Me: Am Smith!
She: Nice to meet u!
Me: Likewise!
She: So, well done!
Me: (in my head: “What the hell??”) Er, yeah! Well done too!
She: So wat do u do?
Me: Computer technology!
She: Eh, nga u are war!
Me: (in my head; “Wat the hell?? Who still says war!!”)

In comes the waiter, asking to take the order, meanwhile, even the waiter is eying the ballistic Hope, she’s too hard!

Me: Al have a bell!
She: Al have a glass of white wine……with ice cubes please!

What the hell, this chick had the audacity to ask for wine with ice?? Even the waiter hahad!! Now do u see the “audacity of Hope?”. I told u, u didn’t know this one!.

But one quick one, when u see a ki-ballistic ki-brown brown, always rememba the first law of quantum physics, light moves faster than sound, coz these chicks look so bright…….until they speak!!




3 - Free TV ruined my leave!

Going on leave can be such a bitch! I mean first u get fed up with work, and I mean really fed up, where u feel like sending yo boss to the “survivor” show and hoping he gets mistakenly eaten by a crocodile that was minding its own business somewhere near the set! So here u are, finally armed with that approved leave application you have been trying so hard to get stamped in the last 2 or so years, and u will now be free for 30 straight days, plus a couple more in case a king does us a favour and dies, and the half moon to end the muslim fast season shows up within those 30 days u’ve gotten off!

Day one starts off quite well, coz u go to the barber shop, most of which hav a video library within, if that’s what u call a collection of 30 dvd’s, I would rather call it a private home collection, which u can only watch after parting with that change the barber just returned to u off the haircut dimes, assuming u still have only 5k notes, leave dimes!

Day 2, u decide to stay home. U have already told the capitalists at DSTV and GTV that u don’t need their garbage, coz if u want to watch soccer, heck, the 15 bars across home all have your dishes, and by the way, “we now have 10 free to air TV stations, so u go to hell with yo dishes”.

In actual sense, its we who go to hell! Coz here I was, on a weekday, channel surfing the so called free stations, and I could swear to u I have never been happy when we got loadshedded, but this time I was, I mean take a load of this!

Station number 1 – shows DWTV all freakin morning, I mean who gives a shit the German Chancellor was opening a new chemical plant in Hamburg? This will go on till the local news, which consists of the prime minister giving advise to farmers to “be vigilant”, and commercialise their activities! “who cares??”

Station number 2 – Al jazeera all freakin morning. “2 palestinians were killed when a mortar bomb went off in a busy market” “3 Israeli soldiers are being treated after a mortar rocket hit their car while on a routine inspection” “15 bombs went off in falluja where 5 american troops were killed, the highest to be killed in a space of 30 minutes” The rest of the day on this station is dedicated to Ugandan songs, with videos entirely shot using cell phones!

Station number 3 – A station for the born again, by the born again and to be strictly watched by them. But in some cases, it is fun-filled drama as u are channel surfing and accidentally drop by this channel, then u see a guy walking up on crutches, he says to the pastor, “yo, I have been to the best doctors in the world, there was this one in Israel, one in South Africa and they all told me I could neva be cured, I have spent over 200 million shillings and failed, help me”, then the pastor holds him and starts yelling “JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, Heal this man”, and on and on, till the chap throws the crutches in the crowd, then we the audience applaud for such an award winning performance by hitting the remote to next!

Station number 4 – DWTV, then CNN then Ugandan videos, then a show to rip us off, where this chick puts 4 letters on the screen, B U L and E, then she tells u to make a colour, call in and win 100,000 shillings instantly, and the numbers to call are 090 277 blah blah blah! So u figure, the colour is blue, so u call in immediately, but the u get the busy tone, so u think “al just dial again real quick”, but alas, it has taken 1000 shillings off! Before u realise, the chik is talking endlessly, so that means everyone is losing 1000 bucks just to get a busy tone, so we click next!

Station number 5 – It started as a Christian channel, but then realised there wsnt that much dime, so they have concentrated on Nigerian movies. Its not hard to get up in the morning and flip on channel 5 only to hear “Oga, where have u been-o? I called yo modda, yo broddas and yowa sisto, but they didn’t heer from u? Which slot hov u been with? …… Next!

Station number 6 – a copy cat of channel O. Everything from programming, to the logo, to the presentation, just switch the language!

Station number 7 – the most annoying one! This one is so misplaced! A rich Tanzanian felt that he wanted to go regional and decided to bore the crap of us with his station, which is dedicated to praising the ruling tz government! Why the hell would we want to watch a speech by the tz prez to rural farmers, in Swahili??

Station 8, 9 and 10! – A combination of the above! Al jazeera, gillete world sports and a bunch of cellphone produced videos!

Am applying for a cancellation of leave, a first in my company, and definitely selling off the flat screen, what an injustice av done to it!


4- Ugandan political soap

Ever since 24 was cancelled by the Fox network (damn those bastards), we Ugandans have been too bored. Heck, the chaps who work the nightshit at UTL, if u could call downloading prison break and 24 night duties, have since lost all morale to work at night.

These ballistic stories have however been replaced by a bunch of crap, the only thing worse than watching Ugandan music videos, called “Spanish soaps”. I be on tv all the time, and I see the ads, but neva to watch the crap! See therez sijui wakina Rubi, woman of my life, gardeners chow mate, and a host of other crap I really don’t care to rememba!

But that’s beside the point, we have been downloading our own soap, in parliament, called “the land of my life”, starring Amam “Rubi” Mbamarwan and Jack “the gardener;s chow mate” Muh-wealthy! See these chaps sold land to the guys who keep our dimes, till we are 55, and in case we die, will use our dimes to buy more land! But somehow, therz free drama for us, coz we still see no case, unlike the Elizabeth Kutesa case when she was summoned for “lying under oath” during the Besigye trial, who was in turn being accused of “lying under his house maid – by force”!

So this 24 of ours has Marwan (kumbe all this time I thot he had died in “The Mummy Returns”, we last saw him screaming “Absalamooonn”, but the little creatures down there took him, maybe he chewed them like those beatles, then came bak as a terrorist, tadaaaa!). So Marwan, sold this land to “the company”, which had finished getting rid of Linc Burrels, and now had enough money to splash on wetlands, but Jack Muh-wealthy thought that Mbamarwan was up to no good!

So Jack came to parliament where Mbarwan was explaining how he sold the explosives and disguised them as 410 bombs, overstating their true numbers by 52 acres, sori bombs, and had received 11 billion to his secret account in Grenada!

In comes Scoffield, using the pseudo-name of Tinkasimire claiming bribery and other forms of torutre that Jack was using to get rid of Mbamarwan, he said he had all the evidence, if they could only let him unleash his shirt, coz they were all inscribed as tattoos, and no one could see them!

The company however kept on going bak to the press to explain their side of the maps of the explosives and the size they could blow up! However, they were accused of interfering with the case, by proxy! Even when they beeped Pope Benedict to save them, he was unfortunately conducting a mass in Latin, somewhere in a labarotory in Sicily. All this time I didn’t know that Photons, atoms and those funny cells were catholic, coz they have mass!

The all new 24 meets prison break meets the Vatican is still playing, and is the first of its kind to go live on radio, tv and newspapers in 5 different languages. No downloads needed, no night shifts at UTL and definitely this wont be cancelled by Fox. Happy watching people, we shall see the recaps in 2080!