1 - Too much info!!
U ever realise we may never need ISO, ESO or any other spy agency masquerading around on tax payers money looking for information? The stuff we get from all these automated machines is way too much, actually unwarranted.
If u are not with me yet, take a look at this. Workers house, that blue building whose occupants decided to spend dimes on wetlands, instead of fixing their lifts! Don’t u ever get pissed with that lady that keeps telling u the inevitable? Here’s my last visit to that building, going to the 14th floor to fix some stuff!
10 am – Standing at the elevator, as the digital display screen shows lift descending to ground floor.
10.05 – Lift doors open, chick says “Doooors opening, goooing up!” I enter elevator, with 4 other chaps.
10.05 and some few seconds – “Dooors closing, going up”
First chap hits the 3rd floor button, we reach there
10.06 – “Thiirrrd floor, doors opening”
10.06.15 – “Dooors closing, going up”.
The irritating chick keeps up with these nauseating explanations, as if we were watching the news, and she was telling us a blow by blow of what was happening in that town 200 miles away! Actually I wanted her to say our names us we were disembarking “14th floor, Jack is getting out, yippee, am getting my break, goooing down”
The over flow doesn’t end there, it goes on to our mobile phones, u make a simple call just to find out how u can access the net on your phone and this is what u get;
“Thank you for calling customer services, for account information, press 1, to renew your credit, press 2, for any other info, press 3!” So u press 3; “To communicate in English, press 1, in Swahili, press 2, in any other language press 3” So I press 1; “For post paid services, press 1, for prepaid problems, press 2, for any other problems press 3” So I press 3; For data issues, press 1, for cabling services……………..” I press “end call”.
What the hell was that?! Why don’t u just bloody connect me to someone so they connect me to who I want! I actually rememba in 1999 when we had to pay a fee every month, just to be able to access the network, if yo 30 days elapsed and someone called u, he would hear “Sorry, the customer has been disconnected due to a lack of service fee”. Imagine how many chicks we lost, after giving them a ride in that Mercedes we had borrowed, now they were in on the secret, that I don’t even go to Dubai to shop in the first place! It was all a lie!!
After a lot of complaints (trust Ugandan men to always complain on this matter), the telecom pumpkins decided to soften their stance, this time they would say “the number u hav called is not available at the moment!”, but the sickening thing was, if the voice said it twice, then yo phone was conveniently switched off, so that yo boss wouldn’t call u, yet he refused to give u that day off in the first place! If the chick said that message once, then u hadn’t paid yo bloody service fee, and the chicks found this out too! So who needs ISO anymore!!
2 - The theory of ABC, 123 and the life of a sperm!
Since the chicks had their turn to film the “vagina monologues”, I think its also fair for the males to come up with their version! This is as if Nat Geo wild on Sunday aftanoons, not for the faint hearted!
So Uganda’s first lady has been at the forefront of fighting AIDS, we know this becoz we have seen that same hairstyle for the last 20 years, at AIDS functions! We however, wanted to connect the dots, I mean ABC, and 123!
A – Abstinence – The act of living alone, by yo-wa-sele-f, no hugs at night, no goodbyes to anyone, no flowers to buy on the 14th, just u…and u! Which makes u 1, in yo life!
B – Be faithful – The act of living in a marriage, or a commitment, where u will be only 2, in yo-wa entire lives. U will only hug 1 person at night, say goodbye to 1 person, buy flowers on the 14th for only 1 person, which makes u 2 in yo life!
C – Condoms – Here they are saying, u will have more than 1 person in yo wa life, say 2 people, but don’t carry around germs from one to the other, so u will be 3 in yo lives.
So Peter the sperm, had lived thru his entire life wanting to meet his dream date, Jane, the egg. He spent his entire life practicing, which included eating a special kind of yam, as if Usain Bolt! But he grew so old, and had lots of tales to tell Mike, his upcoming grandson. Peter was to make sure his genes met the elusive egg, so he waited for his moment.
First, he knew his chap was on A, and told his grandson tales of how his friends all ended up on pieces of toilet paper or their master’s palms! So he waited till this chap went on C, which is where most middle aged chaps be, and he told tales of how his friends could see the dream land, they thought they were in the city, they could see Jane smiling at the distance, it was all bright and red when boooooom…….they hit a rubber, and ended up in a latrine somewhere!
Then finally, the master moved on to B, at last, they were going to see Jane, but Peter had grown old, and unlike Holyfield, he gave up, and groomed his grandson for the final sprint! This happened days after they had seen lots of fireworks, they knew their master had given in to the life of 2, and only 2.
So the night came, and they readied themselves, on yo marks, get set, oh wait, they are still just hugging, don’t hurry! Then finally, off they go, the city, oh god it looks so bright, look at those lights, see I told u, we would make it! And then BAM, they all start fainting, they cant reach Jane, things are so tight!
“Granny, whats happening, I cant breathe!!!”
“So sori son, she’s on the pill!!”
3 - Silly wise sayings!
While we grow up, parenting dictates that children should be educated in life’s morals, and trust parents not to disappoint, with clichés of all sorts like “don’t cry over spilt milk”, coz we don’t have money to buy u more, just drink porridge u little nut! Then they go ahead and tell u “money doesn’t grow on trees, heck, it doesn’t grow at all”, so we don’t ask them for that new Nintendo 6.0!
But imagine a world where we were to live by these sayings and actually follow the crap, even those we don’t understand, for example “u cant have your own cake, and eat it!.”
So here I was in a restaurant, hungry as hell, so I ordered a milkshake and a cake, coz that’s all they had. But as soon as the waitress, Jackie (I know this how? u may ask, but she had her name tag on, so stop thinking like that!), so anywho, as soon as she brought the order, I remembered that wise ol’ sayin, u cant have your own cake, and eat it too!
I was caught in this dilemma, coz now I couldn’t eat, I knew I should have ordered a bugger instead. Now I had to wait for the next client, so we could switch cakes, and live by the saying!
After failing to have my breakfast, thanks to the saying, I went to a music shop, coz playing an instrument makes me full! So I bought a trumpet, but as soon as I got the receipt, I remembad, “do not blow your own trumpet!.” The problem I had here is that if someone else blew it for me, he would leave his lip gloss all over my trumpet!
Silly wise sayings, they make me sick!!
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