Of the new music!!
There’s something wrong with new musicians,
For they really need to see some physicians,
Or be fed to a bunch of Alsatians,
For their songs seem to be made for Asians,
Take an example of the recently disbanded B2K,
They only sang songs for guys who be too gay,
But since most of the girls thought this was ok,
They managed to sell more records than TOK,
Then came the little chap called Chris Brown,
Who did nothing but make us frown,
Coz we are now 31, so are fully grown,
So for him, we take away the crown,
And wish nothing else but make him drown,
Coz his music makes us mourn,
And his lyrics still remain unknown,
Given a chance, I would make him mow my lawn,
For he is nothing to me but a small pawn,
But so is his compatriot J Holiday,
Who should be sent on a permanent holiday,
For he does nothing but spoil our day,
By singing crap like putting her to bed,
I can only do this when I am so dead,
For u can’t go to bed before I have been fed,
So attempt not to be mis-led,
If his silly suggestions get to yo head,
For no song has ever been made,
With no sense in it but instead,
Empty rhetoric to make your brains bitter,
Yet we are used to songs that are sweeter,
But am not speaking of Mariah Carey’s Glitter,
Coz it sounded like something to litter,
The record label had to dismiss the sister,
For her new records sounded so sinister,
But you have to give it up for Whitney,
Coz she has accomplished much more than Britney,
Who failed to sing and tried to rap,
But she only ejaculated a bunch of crap,
Which were responded to by a boo, not a hand clap,
So she had to run to rehab to rehabilitate,
But did nothing more than just masturbate,
For she couldn’t cope without her mate,
Who at a previous video shoot she had met,
But when she returned to life it was too late,
For the fans had moved on to Michael Jackson,
Whose career was like a house on arson,
But the fans still loved him,
Coz his music surely precedes him,
And will be better than any after him!!
Of Pastors and their flock!!
We go to church every Sunday,
Coz our parents reminded us everyday,
That we have to talk to God on that day,
For we have to thank him for the food he gave us yesterday,
And also for the food he will provide today,
But when we go there we find a pastor,
Who in the equivalent of a school, is a master,
For this church we go to is Pentecostal,
So the pastor calls himself an apostle,
For he believes he is a true disciple,
And we are just mere believers,
So it’s only he, who delivers,
The sermon that will save us,
From the devil that’s out to spoil us,
But before he delivers the sermon to us,
We have to offer some money,
Or if we don’t have that, then we can offer honey,
So me and my fellow believer Sonny,
Decide to ask Apostle Tony,
To spare us for we didn’t have any money,
But the pastor threatened that life ain’t all that good,
Coz shit today is just Sunday,
But we could be in the casket by Monday,
So if we kept postponing God’s payment,
We shall be doomed when it comes to our judgement,
For God shall not be kind,
If tomorrow therez no money to find,
So he will probably make us go blind,
As a punishment for having a poor mind,
So we should never again be lax,
For forgiveness won’t be there,
If we fail to pay our tax,
So we had better send God a fax,
Before he gets angry and decides to punish us,
We can do this by bringing the pastor wines and spirits,
For it is only he who can dismiss evil spirits,
And at the same time talk to the Holy Spirit,
So if we didn’t return with the spirits soon,
Our fires of hell would be lit soon,
And we shall suffocate for eternity in the heat,
And we shall descend deeper each year into the pit,
In which we shall have to stand eternally, not to sit,
And every interval, a whip, on our backs, would hit,
Till we bled from our necks to our feet,
So off we went to the supermarket to steal,
Many cartons of wines, which we brought in a fleet,
And our sins were instantly forgiven in a heart beat,
But God saw us steal, so we are in for a big beat,
When we get to his feet, the day we finally meet!!!
American election!!
There’s something about the American election,
That gives lots of girls the equivalent of an erection,
For there’s a charmer named Obama,
Who has no relation whatsoever with Osama,
And he picked a running mate named Biden,
Who also has no relation with Bin Laden,
But Obama is an African-American,
Which makes him less of a real American,
For he is considered a descendant of a slave,
And his fellow descendants felt he had been too brave,
To stand up and tell the natives how to behave,
So a very moving speech in 2004 he gave,
In which he promised the Americans he would save,
Many of their aspects of life they take for granted,
So he was the leader they really wanted,
For the rest only came to campaigns and only ranted,
Without making good on their promises,
Yet his promises were as good as a bed of roses,
And his work was equivalent to a thousand horses,
And he would also boost the morale of the US forces,
Who seem to have lost all faith in their current bosses,
And he would add their troop numbers from more sources,
For he has the ability to speak with more leaders,
Coz like a book, he had grasped them like the readers,
For his new assignment will be to weed,
All the old generation the country doesn’t need,
For they were just a bunch of idiots filled with greed,
And yet the nation needed them so the economy could feed,
For the fore fathers had sown the democracy seed,
Which these chaps were erasing at a very fast speed,
For at the polls he intended to take the lead,
So with the electorate he had to plead,
And the democratic coffers will soon bleed,
For the campaign was in a dead heat,
For they had dared the republicans to bring it,
And they responded with their machinery out of the pit,
The mudslinging that started reeked a lot of shit,
For the republican running mate came out in a slit,
And reminded all and sundry that she wasn’t a mere clit,
And she wasn’t going to just lay there and sit,
While the democrats took the Iraq war under their arm-pit,
So when Palin came out to speak she didn’t even greet,
It’s a war she brought out to the republican convention,
For she felt this was the best chance for prevention,
To halt the Democratic Party aggression,
And give Obama a one on one session,
A one round knockout punch,
That would send him back to Kisumu, to his ranch,
Where he would retire and drink lots of rum and punch,
And would probably be invited to the White House maybe for lunch,
For this fight for the white house would leave him like human crunch,
For Palin and the rest of the Republican bunch,
This wasn’t a fight to lose,
It was one to get Americans out of their woes,
But unfortunately, she received lots of boos!!!
Answers to musicians!!
Yo, am here to rant about the songs of today. See, most of these new hits have questions in them, that the artistes seem to be asking yet no one is bothering the poor fellows with answers, so here’s what I will tell them, if they bother to find answers from their fans.
1- Jordin Sparks n Chris Brown: Song – No Air
Question: Tell how am I going to breathe with no air?
Answer: Well, u simply wont, and depending on the size of your lungs,
you will probably suffocate in 2 to 3 minutes, and die soon after,
so its my humble suggestion that either u super glue yo-wa-sele-f
that chick, or we shall be organising your funeral shortly!!
2- J Holiday : Song – Suffocate
Problem: I suffocate when u are not with me (what shall I do?)
Answer: This guy apparently is simply singing the sequel to the song no
air above, coz he has surely passed that level of gasping, and he
is now suffocating. For this chap, he had better get a new chick
like right now, or we speed dial Uganda Funeral Services!!
Looks like all these artists are going to die soon, over chicks!
3- Craig David : Song – U leave me breathless
Problem: He has now suffocated (what shall I do?)
Answer: This is finally it, the sequel to the sequel of No Air, this chap is
is now finally breathless.Unfortunately, we had already sent
Uganda Funeral Services to attend to J above. So this chap
needs to speed dial Whitney Houston, and find out what she
did while she waited to exhale, or probably Toni Braxton who
in 1994 miraculously decided to “breathe again”, after going
thru the above 3 cycles!
So these buggers above have clear cut issues, which we have tried to address, but theres some pumpkins we are still trying to comprehend, like the following;
1- Backstreet Boys : Song – Show me the meaning
Problem : Show me the meaning, of being lonely, its just a
feeling, of being lonely ….(or some shit like that!)
Answer: What the hell do u mean, show u the meaning of being
lonely? Elaborate, senk u very many!
2- Ragga Dee: Song – Kinyinyiyiyiyi….Vroooommmm
Problem: My car really can’t start, and I hav to be in the studio!
Answer: Get out yo-wa ballistic phone and record yo-wa car
jamming to start, then record yo-wa-selef actually
trying to jump start it, then u’ll have killed two stones
with one bird! First u’ll have a new hit to launch, plus
a video to “soot” on all the free to air channels in
Uganda!
3 – Celine Dion: Song – All her songs
Problem: I have love problems
Answer: Shoot yourself, and spare our ears of any further
torture.
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