The war on corruption recently taken on by HE Kags, (hope some over zealous intelligence agents don’t go nuts coz of the “Kags” reference), well, where was we?
Ah yech, the war on corruption. It is taking very comical proportions. The first bit on the NFA saga was run a couple of days ago, so here’s the follow up.
The NFA boss was finally suspended as investigations go on into the issue of having 900 million bucks under his metallic bed! His brothers, who he claims own the money, showed face at the New Vision offices, mbu to explain themselves, but they have made shit worse.
So one of the brothers, named John Bagambe is a Senior Environment Officer of Isingiro District; Let’s decipher this bugger.
First of all, his job involves checking on swamps and stuff of the like! Seeing as there are no big time investors encroaching on these lands, his work shouldn’t be that much. And his title, whooooaaa!! Screech yo brakes on this stuff!! Senior Environment Officer??? What, like he has juniors and shit?? In freakin boring and broke Isingiro? Its like the time I was assigned special duties to mop our classroom for 1 week, for “cheeky” behaviour, speaking of which, why do teachers like that ka word, cheeky?
Anywho, while I was on that punishment, to make myself feel better, I gave myself a title, it was “Senior Superintendent of Hygiene and Floor maintenance”. If I ever got a job in broke Isingiro doing environment work I would go by “Senior International Officer in charge of the reduction of Global Warming”, and watch the swamps! The salary by the way is a WHOOPING 100,000/=!
Now this pumpkin declared that 300 million of the lost loot, was his! And yes, they did ask him where he got it;
1 – I saved from my salary!!! (bullshit, 100k would take about 20 years to make 24,000,000/= if u didn’t spend even a coin on that salary, and that’s way less than 300 million)
2 – I deal in real estate!! – (this guy needs a lawyer, and a very good one! We all know Isingiro, ok, we don’t. But it sounds like a village! What this guy is saying is that he has such a ballistic house he rents it out to NGO’s and freakin embassies, earns probably 3000 dollars on each house a month! The last time we checked, the most ballistic house in lousy Isingiro had green iron sheets, and that was the big deal, the iron sheets had a rare colour. On closer inspection, it was confirmed that they had been painted for army detach unipots!! Using big words again, “real estate”!)
3 – I sell agricultural produce to govt, and furniture to schools, and am a consultant in business plans!! (We should all shift to this Isingiro place! A farmer earns all this dime?? I bet this chap has 2 pigs, 4 chicken and a malnourished cow, just exposing its ribs to the public, it should be charged with nudity!! And this punk should pay that fine! We all know village shit. We just be there sitting at 6pm, when its getting dark, and all the chicken be coming back to their bu shelters! What bugger with 300 million will be sitting there just watching that?? I would be in a mansion in Mbuya on Supersport freakin 3!!!
The other brother, a one George, is a parish chief! When I saw parish chief, I thought the chap was a priest! For all we care, parish is some church of sorts, but then I heard that parish is like a ka community, mainly of broke chaps!! When guys here in Kla be applying for passports and get to the question “what is your parish??,” guys have been known to write “Christ the King”, “Mbuya church” and “Kibuli Mosque”!
Anywho, this parish officer also said he had saved his salary, an ENTIRE 60,000 bucks a month! These days even a freaking tri-cycle for Martha who has just turned 3 and wants to play with her friends in the compound, goes for 80,000 bucks! What the parish chif is saying, is that if we all decided not to buy play things for our kids, we could save…..erm…..wait for it…..wait for it……100 million bucks, in like 12 years!!
George also confirmed that he sells local brew, aka enguli, aka changaa, aka pint made by stepping on ripe bananas!!! Kumbe all this time am here stressing with the CEO, COO, CFO, Finance and Admin, yet I could just be stepping on bananas, with no hassle of targets and brain storming meetings!!!! Way to go George, thanks for that career changing story!!
To cap it all off, George said he owns “houses” in Kabuyanda and Isingiro town, from where he draws rent, probably a HEFTY 20 thousand a month!! Where the f**k is Kabuyanda??? Those are towns u get to see on Nat Geo Wild and u be like “that’s freaking Uganda?? I thought I lived here, I should have known that huge space of land with funny little huts!!”
After all this, I believe we are wasting time in the city! These punks brought 800 million bucks from freakin Kabuyanda and we are here in traffic jams!! They were quick to add that their brother owned 100 million of it!
It’s still not clear however how a chap that deals in real estate that streams in the millions, still lives in a town that has failed to attract a single bank, and more so, why the western union chaps are still sleeping, instead of opening a branch in Kabuyanda, THEREZ DIME THERE!!! They could have wired it, or maybe therz a new service that wires dimes straight to under the bed u sent it to!! Maybe…..just maybe!!
Out!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Politics - In a nutshell!!
Politics: “The art of governing mankind by deceiving them” – Some chap!
You give a rat’s ass about politics?? Me neither! So why bother discussing these incompetent self-seeking egotistic bastards? Well, they say and do shit that affects you and me. So what exactly do these buggers do? Al try n explain.
Government: To those that were born after 1982, government means NRM!
President: Yoweri Museveni. So we can say, the Yoweri Museveni of South Africa is Jacob Zuma!
Global Fund: Free dimes sent to ministers to have a blast, but usually disguised as money for medicine for poor chaps!
900 million: A sum of hard cash usually found under beds of some politically connected chaps, but with sly wives that keep checking!
NSSF: An organisation enacted by parliament to smoothen the process of politicians getting money from the chaps they rule!
So how do you become a politician?
1 – U must learn the art of being a lying wanker with a very bad fashion sense, for example;
Normal – “we are going to let private companies run our public health service”
Politician “ There are factors within the health service which make it imperative that we add an element of market-led initiatives, in order to better utilize scarce resources, encourage measurable performance and create a culture in which competition is seen as beneficial, with all services being consumer oriented and led…blah blah blah blah!”
2 – U must speak very bad English;
Normal: “For God and my country”
Politician: “For God and my cow-ntry”
After learning those 2 basics, then u need to get a dime and stand for election! Usually, your cool friends won't go out to vote for you, because they are too cool to queue up with those bag snatching lumpens that be at your designated polling station. Do not rely on these corporate punks for a vote.
Just go out to those broke buggers and give each family a bar of soap, and oh, some salt too. Do not, I repeat, do not try to be a wise ass, talking bout “we are going to fix the road and repair the public hospital”, they don’t want to hear that shit, just soap!!
After u have won the election, and assuming the chap you stood for election with doesn’t drag yo ass to court, mbu there were “massive irregularities and voter intimidation”, which is a very catchy and trendy phrase these days, be ready for TOTAL BOREDOM!!
Parliament: The center for political debate. It’s a strange place, with ancient customs and weird ceremonies, with very funny dress codes! But at the end of the day, some laws are actually passed here.
The speaker wears some funny stuff on his head, looks like the same stuff we see in those movies of 1935 England. We thought that was white man’s hair, we were right, but we copied them, AND STILL DO TODAY! Our judges too, SAME WIG!
The first day of parliament will be very boring. You shall be bombarded with words like “plenary session”, “caucus” and even “tea break”! You will probably understand the last one quite easily, seeing as u have gone thru this in school, that’s if the papers you presented to get nominated for this job were not forged by some chap on Nkurumah road.
You will also be put to sleep by the debates, they go something like;
“Senk u sir Mr Speaker Sir for giving me a chance to talk. Mr Speaker sir (they really respect this wiggy chap), according to the amended 1975 by law on con-su-t-uraction and ci-volo works, Subsection2 clause 13 of chap-u-ter four, it says, and I q-wote, “the minister invo-lo-ved shu-l-ddy firsty study de ……..”
And on and on. If u don’t sleep on day one, u are too ambitious!
Somehow you may get named minister – for youth, since u were born after 1982! Yo job, will NOT include going to Club silk on campus nite to catchup on your constituents! Heck, you shouldn’t even go for Rock nite, sijui “steaky is blazing tonight”, you will however be officiating at the “youth day celebrations” in Kayunga! Heck, u shall be attending those wrestling contests in Kalangala, checking on the progress of these youngish punks!
Your docket (be ready to hear such funny words, ati docket!!) will include a very old car and little fuel allowance. Just be patient till you are re-shuffled to the Ministry of Global Fund.
If by any chance you join the opposition, be ready to trash everything, I mean EVERYTHING!!
1 The queen is in kampala – “So what? Instead of fixing roads, we are spending it on the queen!”
2 Uganda was ranked better in economic growth this year – “So what, we would have been better than better”
3 Uganda Cranes won the world cup – “So what, we would have won it long ago, this would probably have been our 4th one”
4 Media freedoms are better than in neighbouring cow-ntries – “This regime is a dictatorship”
And that’s how a politician thinks!
You give a rat’s ass about politics?? Me neither! So why bother discussing these incompetent self-seeking egotistic bastards? Well, they say and do shit that affects you and me. So what exactly do these buggers do? Al try n explain.
Government: To those that were born after 1982, government means NRM!
President: Yoweri Museveni. So we can say, the Yoweri Museveni of South Africa is Jacob Zuma!
Global Fund: Free dimes sent to ministers to have a blast, but usually disguised as money for medicine for poor chaps!
900 million: A sum of hard cash usually found under beds of some politically connected chaps, but with sly wives that keep checking!
NSSF: An organisation enacted by parliament to smoothen the process of politicians getting money from the chaps they rule!
So how do you become a politician?
1 – U must learn the art of being a lying wanker with a very bad fashion sense, for example;
Normal – “we are going to let private companies run our public health service”
Politician “ There are factors within the health service which make it imperative that we add an element of market-led initiatives, in order to better utilize scarce resources, encourage measurable performance and create a culture in which competition is seen as beneficial, with all services being consumer oriented and led…blah blah blah blah!”
2 – U must speak very bad English;
Normal: “For God and my country”
Politician: “For God and my cow-ntry”
After learning those 2 basics, then u need to get a dime and stand for election! Usually, your cool friends won't go out to vote for you, because they are too cool to queue up with those bag snatching lumpens that be at your designated polling station. Do not rely on these corporate punks for a vote.
Just go out to those broke buggers and give each family a bar of soap, and oh, some salt too. Do not, I repeat, do not try to be a wise ass, talking bout “we are going to fix the road and repair the public hospital”, they don’t want to hear that shit, just soap!!
After u have won the election, and assuming the chap you stood for election with doesn’t drag yo ass to court, mbu there were “massive irregularities and voter intimidation”, which is a very catchy and trendy phrase these days, be ready for TOTAL BOREDOM!!
Parliament: The center for political debate. It’s a strange place, with ancient customs and weird ceremonies, with very funny dress codes! But at the end of the day, some laws are actually passed here.
The speaker wears some funny stuff on his head, looks like the same stuff we see in those movies of 1935 England. We thought that was white man’s hair, we were right, but we copied them, AND STILL DO TODAY! Our judges too, SAME WIG!
The first day of parliament will be very boring. You shall be bombarded with words like “plenary session”, “caucus” and even “tea break”! You will probably understand the last one quite easily, seeing as u have gone thru this in school, that’s if the papers you presented to get nominated for this job were not forged by some chap on Nkurumah road.
You will also be put to sleep by the debates, they go something like;
“Senk u sir Mr Speaker Sir for giving me a chance to talk. Mr Speaker sir (they really respect this wiggy chap), according to the amended 1975 by law on con-su-t-uraction and ci-volo works, Subsection2 clause 13 of chap-u-ter four, it says, and I q-wote, “the minister invo-lo-ved shu-l-ddy firsty study de ……..”
And on and on. If u don’t sleep on day one, u are too ambitious!
Somehow you may get named minister – for youth, since u were born after 1982! Yo job, will NOT include going to Club silk on campus nite to catchup on your constituents! Heck, you shouldn’t even go for Rock nite, sijui “steaky is blazing tonight”, you will however be officiating at the “youth day celebrations” in Kayunga! Heck, u shall be attending those wrestling contests in Kalangala, checking on the progress of these youngish punks!
Your docket (be ready to hear such funny words, ati docket!!) will include a very old car and little fuel allowance. Just be patient till you are re-shuffled to the Ministry of Global Fund.
If by any chance you join the opposition, be ready to trash everything, I mean EVERYTHING!!
1 The queen is in kampala – “So what? Instead of fixing roads, we are spending it on the queen!”
2 Uganda was ranked better in economic growth this year – “So what, we would have been better than better”
3 Uganda Cranes won the world cup – “So what, we would have won it long ago, this would probably have been our 4th one”
4 Media freedoms are better than in neighbouring cow-ntries – “This regime is a dictatorship”
And that’s how a politician thinks!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Heres a job 4 u!!
Good evening Class!! My names are not important, but what am here to explain today…is!! First off, ad like to give massive big ups to the active members of this class, Ms Drama, Ashy, The Jayman, Brenda, Negrita, Minty, Florrie and the Kenyan who has been missing class of late, Forko!
I am the career guidance counsellor and this lesson shall be split into two. Lesson 1 shall be about how to get a job without a hassle, while lesson two will be about what jobs you shouldn’t do. This strictly applies to Uganda, never to know about outside countries!
Chapter 1 – How to get a job with no hassle. (Jobs u get without reading newspapers)
Career number 1 – A Priest!
The biggest hassle free job! This is the only job where u start real work while on internship. However, it has it’s downsides;
First off, u get to wear bedsheets – during the freakin’ day!! What kind of fashion sense? Then, u get to carry around some sort of lantern dispensing smoke throughout the church, I believe it’s called incense, smells nasty! Then to crown the bedsheets, there’s lots of bling that goes with it. The bling competes in size with these stuffs worn by those chaps, 50 cents…no…g unit, some crappy names like that. Those chap’s bling consists of a chain and a spinning wheel to go with it. A priest’s bling however has some guy dangling on it as if he has been nailed to a large cross! (blasphemy, they shout!!)
Secondly, as a priest, u shall be locked up in a secluded area, they call it a seminary, where u shall be sharing beds and all that stuff with other men! As if the big brother house in the first week, but this time, u shall be impatiently waiting for chicks for like 9 years, and in the process your bu bums may get violated by the chaps that decide to backslide! Get it? BACK-Slide ……muhuhahahahahaha (Blasphemy, they still shout!!)
Thirdly, u shall be taken back to the days of Julius Ceasar and Shakespear, for while we the cool chaps of the world, we materialistic bastards who have refused to follow this spiritual stuff, are blasting on facebook and learning stuff like twitting, you priests shall be learning 12th century latin and the first language of life, yeah, the one they used in “passion of the christ”. While we say “wat’s crackalackin homes!!!”, u the priest shall be saying “kyrie eleison!!!” (They have walked out, too much blasphemy, they argue!)
But despite all that stuffs, u’ll have a job!
Career number 2 – Nurse / mid wife
First off, what the hell is a mid wife?? Ok, lets assume Mike gets married, then he goes to Mateos and meets Chantal, so as he is hooking up with Chantal, but she is not yet his wife, she is his….errrm…mid wife? Like she’s half way there?? We shall stick to nurses!
So just like priests, mid wi…..er, sori, nurses graduate and get jobs like in the next second! They be walking out of that function where the chancellor has bored them half to death with their usual crappy rants of “welcome to real life, it’s not easy….”, bullshit, as if we don’t know! Anyway, these nurses run straight into the arms of employers, but before u consider this nursing stuffs, what do they do to earn these titles?
Firstly, they have to learn how to clean shit off very sick guys! Their job basically is to learn how an aspirin looks, so when the doctor dispatches them, they don’t return with ARV’s!
Second, they have to know how to tie nuppies, on old men! This is some nasty shit if u asked me (pun intended)!
Before I get u all disgusted with those shitty thoughts (pun intended again), lets get to the end of part 1, free jobs!
Career number 3 – Policemen!
“Ello, pliz sow me de driving permit ello, or u ingia ndani!!” As a policeman, u have to learn to speak like that! These buggers are always threatening chaps! But the truth is, if u decide to be a policeman, THAT’S IT, U ARE ONE! These guys are looking for recruits on a daily! We be here buying newspapers on Monday as if there are no jobs! However;
Are u ready to share a unipot with 3 other families? U be there on a chow with yo wife, then the neighbour, who is your neighbour by virtue of the fact that a bedsheet separates your mattress from theirs, just beez there cheering on from behind the bedsheets, just talking bout;
“dats de sit my man” (That’s the shit my man, in normal lingua!)
In the morning he beez reporting to your superiors;
“boss, dat one deya, he ij de master ello!!” (Boss, that one there he is the master, it’s really silly to explain this stuffs)
Or it may be worse, u be there giving orders to your juniors;
“u MAGGOTS, Salute your commander when he walks in!!”
“Aaaaaahhhh, if u can't even salute for your wife in the bed, why should we salute u?”
“Which faggot said that, and how do u know?? Did my wife tell u?”
“We stay in the same unipot u idiot!!!!”
Anyone still up for an easy job??
I am the career guidance counsellor and this lesson shall be split into two. Lesson 1 shall be about how to get a job without a hassle, while lesson two will be about what jobs you shouldn’t do. This strictly applies to Uganda, never to know about outside countries!
Chapter 1 – How to get a job with no hassle. (Jobs u get without reading newspapers)
Career number 1 – A Priest!
The biggest hassle free job! This is the only job where u start real work while on internship. However, it has it’s downsides;
First off, u get to wear bedsheets – during the freakin’ day!! What kind of fashion sense? Then, u get to carry around some sort of lantern dispensing smoke throughout the church, I believe it’s called incense, smells nasty! Then to crown the bedsheets, there’s lots of bling that goes with it. The bling competes in size with these stuffs worn by those chaps, 50 cents…no…g unit, some crappy names like that. Those chap’s bling consists of a chain and a spinning wheel to go with it. A priest’s bling however has some guy dangling on it as if he has been nailed to a large cross! (blasphemy, they shout!!)
Secondly, as a priest, u shall be locked up in a secluded area, they call it a seminary, where u shall be sharing beds and all that stuff with other men! As if the big brother house in the first week, but this time, u shall be impatiently waiting for chicks for like 9 years, and in the process your bu bums may get violated by the chaps that decide to backslide! Get it? BACK-Slide ……muhuhahahahahaha (Blasphemy, they still shout!!)
Thirdly, u shall be taken back to the days of Julius Ceasar and Shakespear, for while we the cool chaps of the world, we materialistic bastards who have refused to follow this spiritual stuff, are blasting on facebook and learning stuff like twitting, you priests shall be learning 12th century latin and the first language of life, yeah, the one they used in “passion of the christ”. While we say “wat’s crackalackin homes!!!”, u the priest shall be saying “kyrie eleison!!!” (They have walked out, too much blasphemy, they argue!)
But despite all that stuffs, u’ll have a job!
Career number 2 – Nurse / mid wife
First off, what the hell is a mid wife?? Ok, lets assume Mike gets married, then he goes to Mateos and meets Chantal, so as he is hooking up with Chantal, but she is not yet his wife, she is his….errrm…mid wife? Like she’s half way there?? We shall stick to nurses!
So just like priests, mid wi…..er, sori, nurses graduate and get jobs like in the next second! They be walking out of that function where the chancellor has bored them half to death with their usual crappy rants of “welcome to real life, it’s not easy….”, bullshit, as if we don’t know! Anyway, these nurses run straight into the arms of employers, but before u consider this nursing stuffs, what do they do to earn these titles?
Firstly, they have to learn how to clean shit off very sick guys! Their job basically is to learn how an aspirin looks, so when the doctor dispatches them, they don’t return with ARV’s!
Second, they have to know how to tie nuppies, on old men! This is some nasty shit if u asked me (pun intended)!
Before I get u all disgusted with those shitty thoughts (pun intended again), lets get to the end of part 1, free jobs!
Career number 3 – Policemen!
“Ello, pliz sow me de driving permit ello, or u ingia ndani!!” As a policeman, u have to learn to speak like that! These buggers are always threatening chaps! But the truth is, if u decide to be a policeman, THAT’S IT, U ARE ONE! These guys are looking for recruits on a daily! We be here buying newspapers on Monday as if there are no jobs! However;
Are u ready to share a unipot with 3 other families? U be there on a chow with yo wife, then the neighbour, who is your neighbour by virtue of the fact that a bedsheet separates your mattress from theirs, just beez there cheering on from behind the bedsheets, just talking bout;
“dats de sit my man” (That’s the shit my man, in normal lingua!)
In the morning he beez reporting to your superiors;
“boss, dat one deya, he ij de master ello!!” (Boss, that one there he is the master, it’s really silly to explain this stuffs)
Or it may be worse, u be there giving orders to your juniors;
“u MAGGOTS, Salute your commander when he walks in!!”
“Aaaaaahhhh, if u can't even salute for your wife in the bed, why should we salute u?”
“Which faggot said that, and how do u know?? Did my wife tell u?”
“We stay in the same unipot u idiot!!!!”
Anyone still up for an easy job??
Monday, October 19, 2009
In the Noose!!!!
That silly guidance counsellor that used to masquerade around schools telling us stuff like “you should do all your homework, study hard and be an engineer, lawyer or even doctor! Make your school proud, make your parents happy that their money has been spent well”
What this idiot didn’t tell us was exactly “how do you become the National Forestry Authority boss?” Here we are scrapping for the bu little dimes these corporate slave owners send to our accounts, and this chap has 900 million shillings under his bed? Kumbe his wife thought they had a ki ballistic waterbed!
Why are they even blaming her? The chick was just checking the mattress to see if it needed a re-fill, since it was no longer bouncy, its possible her husband had added some coins to the loot, coz the bed was hard GODAMIT!! On unleashing the mattress, my goodness wololo, the chick almost fainted!
First, she thought that BOU had moved its printery to “right under her chowing place”, but she said no, coz these notes were not new! A quick thought rushed through her medulla, saying she should call her “honey” and ask him about the “money”, but her conscience was quicker, it said “bitch, WATS THE BIG IDEA of calling that chap, he will just give u stories, just take it!!” – She did!
Next thing we know, the chick is being followed by agents from the state intelligence body, the CMI. It seems these days they are too bored! How do u be there following a chick as if they have already grabbed Kony! Their notice boards that morning must have looked like;
THE DIRECTORATE OF INTELLIGENCE
Today’s agenda;
1- Investigate child ritual murders – Priority – Not so important.
2- Tap Kony’s phone call to Odhiambo – Priority – As if important…but not quite!
3- Listen to radio stations to see warrups – Priority – Not important, CBS is still off!
4- Follow that wife of the NFA boss – Priority – VERY URGENT!!!
5- Find Kony – Priority – First do number 4, u MAGGOTS!!
6- Find Global fund dimes – Priority – Didn’t I say do number 4!!!! PUNK!!
7- Find terror suspects – Priority – Get out of here Sergent, and FIND THAT 900M!!!
So anywho, the NFA guy calls the police, and he’s like “yo fellaz, its gone….wololololo…..weheeeeeee….my dimes”
Police chap was like “Sir, please calm down, has your child gone missing?? For services of child ritual murders…press 1! To report any other crime……press 2!”
He pressed 2!
“For a luganda call…..press 1, for engli………”
He hang up!
He therefore called his chaps at the CMI, who dispatched a few other chaps to the Rapid Response Unit headquarters to get backup! These are the chaps supposed to be grabbing muggers, car jackers and armed robbers, but not this time, THEY NEEDED THEIR 900M!
The NFA guy then told them his wife had deposited the dimes at some microfinance place. These intelligence guys then trailed her, as if in a James Bond movie, the only difference was that their car was unleashing a lot of black smoke at the back, those old Toyota Carinas, as opposed to the sleek Aston Martin. And these chaps were taking snaps as if megapix! Never to be on that discreet stuff! Just taking pictures of the guy’s wife walking into the bank, walking out, entering the car, and smiling for the camera! They went a step further and sent these highly secret intelligence findings to all newspapers so they can appear on the front pages!
In light of all this, the police boss just fired the punks that head the Rapid response unit! They were rapid alright, but in executing only bullshit!!
The wife has since then come out to say that the 100 mills that were in her bank belonged to her sister. The husband on the other hand said the dimes were for his brother! The brother, however is a village chief! He is one of the chaps that got mad excited when the president gave an order to give each village chief a bicycle! It’s possible he had just forgotten that maybe….just maybe….a bicycle could cost less that 900 million bucks. He was still saving the money under his brother’s bed, waiting to top up and buy a bike of 1 billion bucks, when it was nicked!! Poor fella! Now he has to start saving all over again!!
Eventually when I grow up, I want to be the boss of the NFA, and have a village thief, sorry…village chief for a brother….this time I won’t marry…..COZ I NEED THE DIMES TO MY-CHE-YEF!!!
What this idiot didn’t tell us was exactly “how do you become the National Forestry Authority boss?” Here we are scrapping for the bu little dimes these corporate slave owners send to our accounts, and this chap has 900 million shillings under his bed? Kumbe his wife thought they had a ki ballistic waterbed!
Why are they even blaming her? The chick was just checking the mattress to see if it needed a re-fill, since it was no longer bouncy, its possible her husband had added some coins to the loot, coz the bed was hard GODAMIT!! On unleashing the mattress, my goodness wololo, the chick almost fainted!
First, she thought that BOU had moved its printery to “right under her chowing place”, but she said no, coz these notes were not new! A quick thought rushed through her medulla, saying she should call her “honey” and ask him about the “money”, but her conscience was quicker, it said “bitch, WATS THE BIG IDEA of calling that chap, he will just give u stories, just take it!!” – She did!
Next thing we know, the chick is being followed by agents from the state intelligence body, the CMI. It seems these days they are too bored! How do u be there following a chick as if they have already grabbed Kony! Their notice boards that morning must have looked like;
THE DIRECTORATE OF INTELLIGENCE
Today’s agenda;
1- Investigate child ritual murders – Priority – Not so important.
2- Tap Kony’s phone call to Odhiambo – Priority – As if important…but not quite!
3- Listen to radio stations to see warrups – Priority – Not important, CBS is still off!
4- Follow that wife of the NFA boss – Priority – VERY URGENT!!!
5- Find Kony – Priority – First do number 4, u MAGGOTS!!
6- Find Global fund dimes – Priority – Didn’t I say do number 4!!!! PUNK!!
7- Find terror suspects – Priority – Get out of here Sergent, and FIND THAT 900M!!!
So anywho, the NFA guy calls the police, and he’s like “yo fellaz, its gone….wololololo…..weheeeeeee….my dimes”
Police chap was like “Sir, please calm down, has your child gone missing?? For services of child ritual murders…press 1! To report any other crime……press 2!”
He pressed 2!
“For a luganda call…..press 1, for engli………”
He hang up!
He therefore called his chaps at the CMI, who dispatched a few other chaps to the Rapid Response Unit headquarters to get backup! These are the chaps supposed to be grabbing muggers, car jackers and armed robbers, but not this time, THEY NEEDED THEIR 900M!
The NFA guy then told them his wife had deposited the dimes at some microfinance place. These intelligence guys then trailed her, as if in a James Bond movie, the only difference was that their car was unleashing a lot of black smoke at the back, those old Toyota Carinas, as opposed to the sleek Aston Martin. And these chaps were taking snaps as if megapix! Never to be on that discreet stuff! Just taking pictures of the guy’s wife walking into the bank, walking out, entering the car, and smiling for the camera! They went a step further and sent these highly secret intelligence findings to all newspapers so they can appear on the front pages!
In light of all this, the police boss just fired the punks that head the Rapid response unit! They were rapid alright, but in executing only bullshit!!
The wife has since then come out to say that the 100 mills that were in her bank belonged to her sister. The husband on the other hand said the dimes were for his brother! The brother, however is a village chief! He is one of the chaps that got mad excited when the president gave an order to give each village chief a bicycle! It’s possible he had just forgotten that maybe….just maybe….a bicycle could cost less that 900 million bucks. He was still saving the money under his brother’s bed, waiting to top up and buy a bike of 1 billion bucks, when it was nicked!! Poor fella! Now he has to start saving all over again!!
Eventually when I grow up, I want to be the boss of the NFA, and have a village thief, sorry…village chief for a brother….this time I won’t marry…..COZ I NEED THE DIMES TO MY-CHE-YEF!!!
Makerere Live TV!
Makerere University is the place to be whenever you are bored! Forget that Eduardo bullshit of second chance! Makerere is it! I wonder why they cant create a reality series simply titled “Makerere”! In the first week of this series, there would be a strike! The series will revolve around this reporter just moving around the halls trying to figure out why these lumpens are throwing stones at us chaps who be driving by the university and have nothing to do with their crappy lives.
A few students will be on camera talking bout’
“Sir, me I am to go on strike becoz of the beans”
“How did u get here, u don’t speak good English”
“Kasajja kamanyidde, what is your fault?”
It’s at this point that the reporter discovers that half the chaps on “strike” are mechanics and other louts from the nearby Wandegeya boda stage. Now that they have failed to sell their Rolexes, they are just angry at us chaps driving by!
The second episode will be about chaps living in the animal houses! Apparently these houses were constructed for pigs, cows and dogs! These species were all evicted in 1967, thus creating a new state for the human kind, as if Israel in Palestine! But now that there is a shortage of milk, the university management is convinced that the animals have connived with the cows and goats not to give any more milk until their borders of 1967 are restored!!
The gang leader of the university administration is convinced that one of his dogs watched “animal farm” while he was away, and it told the other animals about their rights! “Four legs good, 2 legs bad”, the dog had insisted to the cows and goats!
The families living in these houses have been given 3 weeks to vacate!
By the third episode of this reality series, chaps will be glued to their screens like they were watching Obama’s coronation….rather inauguration. The third episode will feature some chap hussling for his transcript! The chicks in the office will be drinking black tea, with a ka saucer on the side of ground nuts and hard maize corns, anti that’s what these silly chicks eat!
They will be telling this transcript chap “come next month”, for the next 5 years. Then the reporter will go to the lecturer’s homes, where he will be seeing chicks walking out with a copy of the next day’s exam after being chowed senseless by that lecturer of “business accounting!”
By the fourth episode, the chaps who made prison break will be rushing here to buy the rights for the movie “Makerere”
A few students will be on camera talking bout’
“Sir, me I am to go on strike becoz of the beans”
“How did u get here, u don’t speak good English”
“Kasajja kamanyidde, what is your fault?”
It’s at this point that the reporter discovers that half the chaps on “strike” are mechanics and other louts from the nearby Wandegeya boda stage. Now that they have failed to sell their Rolexes, they are just angry at us chaps driving by!
The second episode will be about chaps living in the animal houses! Apparently these houses were constructed for pigs, cows and dogs! These species were all evicted in 1967, thus creating a new state for the human kind, as if Israel in Palestine! But now that there is a shortage of milk, the university management is convinced that the animals have connived with the cows and goats not to give any more milk until their borders of 1967 are restored!!
The gang leader of the university administration is convinced that one of his dogs watched “animal farm” while he was away, and it told the other animals about their rights! “Four legs good, 2 legs bad”, the dog had insisted to the cows and goats!
The families living in these houses have been given 3 weeks to vacate!
By the third episode of this reality series, chaps will be glued to their screens like they were watching Obama’s coronation….rather inauguration. The third episode will feature some chap hussling for his transcript! The chicks in the office will be drinking black tea, with a ka saucer on the side of ground nuts and hard maize corns, anti that’s what these silly chicks eat!
They will be telling this transcript chap “come next month”, for the next 5 years. Then the reporter will go to the lecturer’s homes, where he will be seeing chicks walking out with a copy of the next day’s exam after being chowed senseless by that lecturer of “business accounting!”
By the fourth episode, the chaps who made prison break will be rushing here to buy the rights for the movie “Makerere”
Friday, October 16, 2009
Lyrically Speaking.......
So the blog is called flows and floetry, but it's been long since some rhymes were last dropped up in here, so let's do justice to the floetry bit by attempting some rhymes....here goes;
This is the gospel according to the book of rhymes.....
Saved people will call it blasphemous,
But the rhymes will make the story famous,
Coz the vibes intertwine in a way so fabulous,
It's so nice you can call it superflous....
So i was just there sittin, wonderin, what story to bring forth to all ye brethren n sisteren.. then it hit me, what do people like....love!!! Such stories are always good coz they relate directly to what punks is going through, that way they are part of the story. For example, the first few days of meeting / dating.....magical!!! Don't ask me how I know...it goes somthn like...
Babe, its a beautiful night,
The moon shines bright,
The lone star gives a ray of light,
What a wonderful sight,
It's perfect, better than alright,
I think am your mr right,
Coz you dazzle me like kryptonite,
Your sillhouette glowing in the twilight,
Just me n u holding each other tight,
Till we share that little kiss,
That'll send our souls to eternal bliss........
Love stories, however, do not necessarily go down well with all folk, I mean some of us are too poor to even start thinkng of that shit. U seen that begger on the streets, the one that washes yo windscreen at church, and expects a coin from u, lets drop somethin for these chaps, a likkle somthn like....
He spends his day walking on the street,
Tryin to earn a living in the sweltering heat,
His only capital are his arms and feet,
He has no food to sit down and eat,
He curses the man he voted to the mayor's seat,
For he promised him a daily meal of meat,
He looks for odd jobs, like keep the city neat,
But never gets paid, they say it's incomplete,
He gets tempted to steal, but tries to resist,
He wishes the thoughts away, but they persist,
So he walks across the street,
and steals a bike seat.....
Ok, poor chaps don't necessarily make a good story. However, people who break up with their chaps (thats like......everyone!!) have a nice story when the chaps return to re-claim their lost glory.....
He tried to re-kindle their fallen romance,
By begging her to give him one more chance,
He reminded her of the first time they had a dance,
When he showed her moves that put her in a trance,
He didn't understand why she had taken such a stance,
Yet their love had reached stages so advanced,
She told him she thought she was her 1st and last,
But he had shown her their love couldn't last,
Leaving her to spend her nights with lots of love thirst.....
Enuff of the love shit. Someone has to go macho up in here. As a seventh day absentist, i like to talk to that chap up there...
What's up God almighty,
I hope u are alrighty,
I gotta prob right now,
If therez a way show me how,
I smoke this shit that takes me higher,
I start thinking i am Hossana,
Coz i believe am the messiah,
Even though am a very good liar,
Actually this prayer is a blasphemy,
I shall be covered in infammy,
Let me get on my knees and pray,
But what the heck am i goin to say,
Ah don't worry al find my own way!!...
That was the gospel accoring to the book of rhymes!
Aaaaaaaammmeeeeennnn!
Thru me, with me, in me, in the unity of a pint, go thee forth and........sorry saved chaps, i just want to annoy u today...just for just!!
Out!!
This is the gospel according to the book of rhymes.....
Saved people will call it blasphemous,
But the rhymes will make the story famous,
Coz the vibes intertwine in a way so fabulous,
It's so nice you can call it superflous....
So i was just there sittin, wonderin, what story to bring forth to all ye brethren n sisteren.. then it hit me, what do people like....love!!! Such stories are always good coz they relate directly to what punks is going through, that way they are part of the story. For example, the first few days of meeting / dating.....magical!!! Don't ask me how I know...it goes somthn like...
Babe, its a beautiful night,
The moon shines bright,
The lone star gives a ray of light,
What a wonderful sight,
It's perfect, better than alright,
I think am your mr right,
Coz you dazzle me like kryptonite,
Your sillhouette glowing in the twilight,
Just me n u holding each other tight,
Till we share that little kiss,
That'll send our souls to eternal bliss........
Love stories, however, do not necessarily go down well with all folk, I mean some of us are too poor to even start thinkng of that shit. U seen that begger on the streets, the one that washes yo windscreen at church, and expects a coin from u, lets drop somethin for these chaps, a likkle somthn like....
He spends his day walking on the street,
Tryin to earn a living in the sweltering heat,
His only capital are his arms and feet,
He has no food to sit down and eat,
He curses the man he voted to the mayor's seat,
For he promised him a daily meal of meat,
He looks for odd jobs, like keep the city neat,
But never gets paid, they say it's incomplete,
He gets tempted to steal, but tries to resist,
He wishes the thoughts away, but they persist,
So he walks across the street,
and steals a bike seat.....
Ok, poor chaps don't necessarily make a good story. However, people who break up with their chaps (thats like......everyone!!) have a nice story when the chaps return to re-claim their lost glory.....
He tried to re-kindle their fallen romance,
By begging her to give him one more chance,
He reminded her of the first time they had a dance,
When he showed her moves that put her in a trance,
He didn't understand why she had taken such a stance,
Yet their love had reached stages so advanced,
She told him she thought she was her 1st and last,
But he had shown her their love couldn't last,
Leaving her to spend her nights with lots of love thirst.....
Enuff of the love shit. Someone has to go macho up in here. As a seventh day absentist, i like to talk to that chap up there...
What's up God almighty,
I hope u are alrighty,
I gotta prob right now,
If therez a way show me how,
I smoke this shit that takes me higher,
I start thinking i am Hossana,
Coz i believe am the messiah,
Even though am a very good liar,
Actually this prayer is a blasphemy,
I shall be covered in infammy,
Let me get on my knees and pray,
But what the heck am i goin to say,
Ah don't worry al find my own way!!...
That was the gospel accoring to the book of rhymes!
Aaaaaaaammmeeeeennnn!
Thru me, with me, in me, in the unity of a pint, go thee forth and........sorry saved chaps, i just want to annoy u today...just for just!!
Out!!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Mirror Mirror!!! Who's the brokest of Em' all?
Sections of our media……ok, I just meant newspapers, but the intro had to sound cool!! How can u just start like…..our newspapers tell us…..! Lets do this one more time!
Sections of our media have been awash with crappy opinions of who’s rich and who’s rich! These guys have gone ahead to create social classes according to how much dime one has! The NewVision started this phenomenon with that stuff of Class A, which was full of politicians. Class B and so on and so on till Class X that consisted of corporate posers whose claim to fame was the salary loans they were riding on to buy that new Golf GTI with that scheme from Ramzan motors, but they were also posing as if it was their dime!
This classification buzz has been recently picked up by the only local tabloid, mentioning chaps salaries across the corporate world, which can also mean Telecom companies, Beer companies and Banks.
All these bu posers be swaggering around with ID’s on their necks to remind us how important they are, just before the bill for a round of pints arrives and by some sheer coincidence, they get a phone call, or an urgency to go and pee!
It is with great pleasure that the poor guys also get mentioned, therefore here is the list of the brokest punks in the country!
1- Askaris a.k.a private security guards;
These semi-literate pumpkins are paid wages between 60 thousand bucks and 100 thousand bucks a month! They usually have between 10 to 12 kids, and speak lots of Swahili! Their supper usually consists of half a cob of roasted maize and a cup of un-boiled water, sourced from the nearest tap that is mistakenly left unlocked by a ka small padlock! These buggers are usually seen guarding ATM machines with such angry faces one wonders if they’ll reach their cars alive! They usually suffer from typhoid every once in a while, and can be found crammed at KCC clinics and Joyce Meyer’s offices, looking for miracles!!
2- Pump attendants;
These fuel sniffing louts earn 100 thousand bucks across the board! They usually have less money at the end of the day than what the fuel pump says, which figures are deducted from their hefty 100 thousand shilling salaries, so on average, they each get about 60 thousand bucks, if they are lucky! Just like their askari brothers, they usually have a minimum of 8 girlfriends! That’s why they cheat you, the client.
3- Gate men / compound slashers / clothes washers;
Everyone has one of these. They are usually seen removing lice from one anatha during the day time when their bosses are showing off their corporate ID’s and swiping them at their office doors to gain access to the company laptop! Gatemen earn like 40 thousand bucks, no deductions, but they usually get it 2 weeks late, as their bosses first have to settle those bills at Mateos!
4- Housegirls
The lowest of the low! These chicks come in at a highly respectable “worst job to EVER have”. They are paid 15 thousand shillings. Those that speak some little funny english earn 20 thousand while those that went ALL the way to diploma, earn 25 thousand, or 30 thousand depending on how brown they are! They are usually used by their corporate bosses as sex objects after they have drunk un-paid pints at Mateos, but with no salary increment!
5- Rioters and idlers;
These professional loungers earn…..errrm……how can I put this…..NOTHING!!! The lumpens spend entire days playing cards and arguing about Arsenal and Man U. They are usually found in parking lots of large malls where they pick handbags from ladies and steal laptops even from car boots!
6- Corporate employees!!!!
And finally, the worst paid pumpkins EVER…..”corporatals”! These lumpens are in negative by month’s end, atleast askari has 50 thousand bucks! A corporate punk with a Masters degree and whatever else papers he has to show, will earn say 2.3 million bucks!! BIG DEAL!
P.A.Y.E (To fix pot holes )30% of 2.3, lets say 600 thou, hate maths.
NSSF (Jamwa’s gambling dimes) 10 %, that’s 230 thou!
The actual cash sent to his bank is now like 1.450.000, or thereabouts. Bank charges for servicing salary account, like 20 thou.
DSTV standing order, like 150 thou.
School fees for Auntie’ Joy’s kids in the village, 300 thou
Rent for that ballistic Bugos flat, 600 thou
Repayment of car loan for the GTI, 450 thou
Water and Kaara bills, 150 thou
Mateos bill, 200 thou
In my bullshit additions and subtractions, that’s like negative 400 thou every month! No wonder newspapers are always running “wanted” ads, and “public notice” stuffs! Somethin like “The above named chap, was actually our thief accountant, if u deal with him, those are yours!! No those of saying we dint tell u” or “the punk u see in this snap was the damaging director of our micro finance institution. However after he got kids with his house girl, he stole our dimes to send her to the village! Beware of the PUNK!!”
Ad rather be an askari…..ok am playing…al pay the debts GODAMIT!!
Sections of our media have been awash with crappy opinions of who’s rich and who’s rich! These guys have gone ahead to create social classes according to how much dime one has! The NewVision started this phenomenon with that stuff of Class A, which was full of politicians. Class B and so on and so on till Class X that consisted of corporate posers whose claim to fame was the salary loans they were riding on to buy that new Golf GTI with that scheme from Ramzan motors, but they were also posing as if it was their dime!
This classification buzz has been recently picked up by the only local tabloid, mentioning chaps salaries across the corporate world, which can also mean Telecom companies, Beer companies and Banks.
All these bu posers be swaggering around with ID’s on their necks to remind us how important they are, just before the bill for a round of pints arrives and by some sheer coincidence, they get a phone call, or an urgency to go and pee!
It is with great pleasure that the poor guys also get mentioned, therefore here is the list of the brokest punks in the country!
1- Askaris a.k.a private security guards;
These semi-literate pumpkins are paid wages between 60 thousand bucks and 100 thousand bucks a month! They usually have between 10 to 12 kids, and speak lots of Swahili! Their supper usually consists of half a cob of roasted maize and a cup of un-boiled water, sourced from the nearest tap that is mistakenly left unlocked by a ka small padlock! These buggers are usually seen guarding ATM machines with such angry faces one wonders if they’ll reach their cars alive! They usually suffer from typhoid every once in a while, and can be found crammed at KCC clinics and Joyce Meyer’s offices, looking for miracles!!
2- Pump attendants;
These fuel sniffing louts earn 100 thousand bucks across the board! They usually have less money at the end of the day than what the fuel pump says, which figures are deducted from their hefty 100 thousand shilling salaries, so on average, they each get about 60 thousand bucks, if they are lucky! Just like their askari brothers, they usually have a minimum of 8 girlfriends! That’s why they cheat you, the client.
3- Gate men / compound slashers / clothes washers;
Everyone has one of these. They are usually seen removing lice from one anatha during the day time when their bosses are showing off their corporate ID’s and swiping them at their office doors to gain access to the company laptop! Gatemen earn like 40 thousand bucks, no deductions, but they usually get it 2 weeks late, as their bosses first have to settle those bills at Mateos!
4- Housegirls
The lowest of the low! These chicks come in at a highly respectable “worst job to EVER have”. They are paid 15 thousand shillings. Those that speak some little funny english earn 20 thousand while those that went ALL the way to diploma, earn 25 thousand, or 30 thousand depending on how brown they are! They are usually used by their corporate bosses as sex objects after they have drunk un-paid pints at Mateos, but with no salary increment!
5- Rioters and idlers;
These professional loungers earn…..errrm……how can I put this…..NOTHING!!! The lumpens spend entire days playing cards and arguing about Arsenal and Man U. They are usually found in parking lots of large malls where they pick handbags from ladies and steal laptops even from car boots!
6- Corporate employees!!!!
And finally, the worst paid pumpkins EVER…..”corporatals”! These lumpens are in negative by month’s end, atleast askari has 50 thousand bucks! A corporate punk with a Masters degree and whatever else papers he has to show, will earn say 2.3 million bucks!! BIG DEAL!
P.A.Y.E (To fix pot holes )30% of 2.3, lets say 600 thou, hate maths.
NSSF (Jamwa’s gambling dimes) 10 %, that’s 230 thou!
The actual cash sent to his bank is now like 1.450.000, or thereabouts. Bank charges for servicing salary account, like 20 thou.
DSTV standing order, like 150 thou.
School fees for Auntie’ Joy’s kids in the village, 300 thou
Rent for that ballistic Bugos flat, 600 thou
Repayment of car loan for the GTI, 450 thou
Water and Kaara bills, 150 thou
Mateos bill, 200 thou
In my bullshit additions and subtractions, that’s like negative 400 thou every month! No wonder newspapers are always running “wanted” ads, and “public notice” stuffs! Somethin like “The above named chap, was actually our thief accountant, if u deal with him, those are yours!! No those of saying we dint tell u” or “the punk u see in this snap was the damaging director of our micro finance institution. However after he got kids with his house girl, he stole our dimes to send her to the village! Beware of the PUNK!!”
Ad rather be an askari…..ok am playing…al pay the debts GODAMIT!!
Monday, October 12, 2009
No!!!! U don't say!!!
This last Friday, Uganda celebrated 47 years, like a kid's birthday! The country was born in 1962 when the white chaps, who discovered the source of the nile, decided to drag their asses back to their counry of origin!
The celebrations were weird, if u are to pass by Kololo airstrip now, u'll notice a ki large billboard that was set up for the do! For the first time, a big billboard had been set up in Kampala that had nothing to do with a telecom company! And it read; 47 years of independence; 23 years of stability; Long live Uganda; Long live NRM!!
Reaaly, u don't say!!! We should sneak up there one night and add on our stuffs;
Errrm.....22 years of pot holes; Long live the ministry of works! 12 years of NSSF scandals; Long live Jamwa!
This however is not one of those rants about politics, Mwenda and the chaps of the observer already took that mantle! We are all here to review the happenings of the last week;
One was some lunatic that sat on top of the crane at the Hilton hotel. He was like "am gonna jump off this thingy here if u don't get me the press! The chaps from Uganda Confidenial were quick to the scene! The bugger then asked for the police! They brought in that spokesman who keeps saying "are we togezza"! The lumpen then asked for the president! Ok this had gone on too long, the policemen just dared the bugger to jump! We don't know how that ended.
Then the kingdom of Busoga got a second king. He was seen walking allover the backs of his "subjects". We really are independent, coz we have surely gone back to how we were before the british came, forget this ipod shit, al just lay there and the king walks on my back! Never mind that masters in financial management i have, as compared to his PLE certificate, he is the king goddamit! Now the muslims have 2 rival leaders, the basoga have 2 rival leaders, and the music industry is still voting between Bobi Wine and Bebe Cool.
These 2 little childish lumpens decided to compete! "my father is stronger than your father"......"my mother can beat your mother"........"My father has more money than your mother"....."ok, we shall put up a concert and we see the winner"......"ok, the loser allows, no those of those, of just lying lies"....."ok, ok, bodo, lets do it". And that's why u guys paid 50 grand to watch the kids play!
Finarry, we got a Miss Uganda! Never mind there were no posters for the do, it was conducted online! Chicks sent their best footage thru facebook and twitter and flickr and any other site! The kawempe chicks who usually entertain us with silly answers like "if i winny this miss uganda thing, my first thing will be to end poverty" never mind the entire UN has still failed. The kawempe chicks were still trying to figure out what "upload your pictures" means when the current Miss Uganda UK was declared the queen!
Here's how funny we are! This current Miss Uganda lives in the UK, has been there for more than half her existence, guess what she won as her grand prize............wait for it.........wait for it.......A FREE RETURN TICKET TO THE UK!!!!
And that was just last week!!
The celebrations were weird, if u are to pass by Kololo airstrip now, u'll notice a ki large billboard that was set up for the do! For the first time, a big billboard had been set up in Kampala that had nothing to do with a telecom company! And it read; 47 years of independence; 23 years of stability; Long live Uganda; Long live NRM!!
Reaaly, u don't say!!! We should sneak up there one night and add on our stuffs;
Errrm.....22 years of pot holes; Long live the ministry of works! 12 years of NSSF scandals; Long live Jamwa!
This however is not one of those rants about politics, Mwenda and the chaps of the observer already took that mantle! We are all here to review the happenings of the last week;
One was some lunatic that sat on top of the crane at the Hilton hotel. He was like "am gonna jump off this thingy here if u don't get me the press! The chaps from Uganda Confidenial were quick to the scene! The bugger then asked for the police! They brought in that spokesman who keeps saying "are we togezza"! The lumpen then asked for the president! Ok this had gone on too long, the policemen just dared the bugger to jump! We don't know how that ended.
Then the kingdom of Busoga got a second king. He was seen walking allover the backs of his "subjects". We really are independent, coz we have surely gone back to how we were before the british came, forget this ipod shit, al just lay there and the king walks on my back! Never mind that masters in financial management i have, as compared to his PLE certificate, he is the king goddamit! Now the muslims have 2 rival leaders, the basoga have 2 rival leaders, and the music industry is still voting between Bobi Wine and Bebe Cool.
These 2 little childish lumpens decided to compete! "my father is stronger than your father"......"my mother can beat your mother"........"My father has more money than your mother"....."ok, we shall put up a concert and we see the winner"......"ok, the loser allows, no those of those, of just lying lies"....."ok, ok, bodo, lets do it". And that's why u guys paid 50 grand to watch the kids play!
Finarry, we got a Miss Uganda! Never mind there were no posters for the do, it was conducted online! Chicks sent their best footage thru facebook and twitter and flickr and any other site! The kawempe chicks who usually entertain us with silly answers like "if i winny this miss uganda thing, my first thing will be to end poverty" never mind the entire UN has still failed. The kawempe chicks were still trying to figure out what "upload your pictures" means when the current Miss Uganda UK was declared the queen!
Here's how funny we are! This current Miss Uganda lives in the UK, has been there for more than half her existence, guess what she won as her grand prize............wait for it.........wait for it.......A FREE RETURN TICKET TO THE UK!!!!
And that was just last week!!
Friday, October 2, 2009
HSEQ!!
Fires have become a ki deadly phenomenon in our bu shanty towns! U hear a market burnt down in Busabatya, Bukedea district and the first thing that hits u is, where the hell is this Bukedea place? And when on earth did we ever get a district like that?
On reaching the destination, the Fire marshall, or trainer, or whatever this bugger called himself, wheeled himself in, complete in a police uniform with 2 pips a.k.a stars, meaning he was no ordinary foot patrol bugger, but a “big man” in his own right!
The punk then shows us the “assembly area”, mbu when there is a fire, we should all “calmly walk to the designated assembly area”! What? al be running out that building to the nearest exit! Fire beez catching up on my shirt while am looking for the assembly area sign?? No bitch, al be at the next exit farthest from the fire!!
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