Mirror Mirror!!! Who's the brokest of Em' all?

Sections of our media……ok, I just meant newspapers, but the intro had to sound cool!! How can u just start like…..our newspapers tell us…..! Lets do this one more time!

Sections of our media have been awash with crappy opinions of who’s rich and who’s rich! These guys have gone ahead to create social classes according to how much dime one has! The NewVision started this phenomenon with that stuff of Class A, which was full of politicians. Class B and so on and so on till Class X that consisted of corporate posers whose claim to fame was the salary loans they were riding on to buy that new Golf GTI with that scheme from Ramzan motors, but they were also posing as if it was their dime!

This classification buzz has been recently picked up by the only local tabloid, mentioning chaps salaries across the corporate world, which can also mean Telecom companies, Beer companies and Banks.

All these bu posers be swaggering around with ID’s on their necks to remind us how important they are, just before the bill for a round of pints arrives and by some sheer coincidence, they get a phone call, or an urgency to go and pee!

It is with great pleasure that the poor guys also get mentioned, therefore here is the list of the brokest punks in the country!

1- Askaris a.k.a private security guards;

These semi-literate pumpkins are paid wages between 60 thousand bucks and 100 thousand bucks a month! They usually have between 10 to 12 kids, and speak lots of Swahili! Their supper usually consists of half a cob of roasted maize and a cup of un-boiled water, sourced from the nearest tap that is mistakenly left unlocked by a ka small padlock! These buggers are usually seen guarding ATM machines with such angry faces one wonders if they’ll reach their cars alive! They usually suffer from typhoid every once in a while, and can be found crammed at KCC clinics and Joyce Meyer’s offices, looking for miracles!!

2- Pump attendants;

These fuel sniffing louts earn 100 thousand bucks across the board! They usually have less money at the end of the day than what the fuel pump says, which figures are deducted from their hefty 100 thousand shilling salaries, so on average, they each get about 60 thousand bucks, if they are lucky! Just like their askari brothers, they usually have a minimum of 8 girlfriends! That’s why they cheat you, the client.

3- Gate men / compound slashers / clothes washers;

Everyone has one of these. They are usually seen removing lice from one anatha during the day time when their bosses are showing off their corporate ID’s and swiping them at their office doors to gain access to the company laptop! Gatemen earn like 40 thousand bucks, no deductions, but they usually get it 2 weeks late, as their bosses first have to settle those bills at Mateos!

4- Housegirls

The lowest of the low! These chicks come in at a highly respectable “worst job to EVER have”. They are paid 15 thousand shillings. Those that speak some little funny english earn 20 thousand while those that went ALL the way to diploma, earn 25 thousand, or 30 thousand depending on how brown they are! They are usually used by their corporate bosses as sex objects after they have drunk un-paid pints at Mateos, but with no salary increment!

5- Rioters and idlers;

These professional loungers earn…..errrm……how can I put this…..NOTHING!!! The lumpens spend entire days playing cards and arguing about Arsenal and Man U. They are usually found in parking lots of large malls where they pick handbags from ladies and steal laptops even from car boots!

6- Corporate employees!!!!

And finally, the worst paid pumpkins EVER…..”corporatals”! These lumpens are in negative by month’s end, atleast askari has 50 thousand bucks! A corporate punk with a Masters degree and whatever else papers he has to show, will earn say 2.3 million bucks!! BIG DEAL!
P.A.Y.E (To fix pot holes )30% of 2.3, lets say 600 thou, hate maths.
NSSF (Jamwa’s gambling dimes) 10 %, that’s 230 thou!

The actual cash sent to his bank is now like 1.450.000, or thereabouts. Bank charges for servicing salary account, like 20 thou.
DSTV standing order, like 150 thou.
School fees for Auntie’ Joy’s kids in the village, 300 thou
Rent for that ballistic Bugos flat, 600 thou
Repayment of car loan for the GTI, 450 thou
Water and Kaara bills, 150 thou
Mateos bill, 200 thou

In my bullshit additions and subtractions, that’s like negative 400 thou every month! No wonder newspapers are always running “wanted” ads, and “public notice” stuffs! Somethin like “The above named chap, was actually our thief accountant, if u deal with him, those are yours!! No those of saying we dint tell u” or “the punk u see in this snap was the damaging director of our micro finance institution. However after he got kids with his house girl, he stole our dimes to send her to the village! Beware of the PUNK!!”

Ad rather be an askari…..ok am playing…al pay the debts GODAMIT!!