Heres a job 4 u!!

Good evening Class!! My names are not important, but what am here to explain today…is!! First off, ad like to give massive big ups to the active members of this class, Ms Drama, Ashy, The Jayman, Brenda, Negrita, Minty, Florrie and the Kenyan who has been missing class of late, Forko!

I am the career guidance counsellor and this lesson shall be split into two. Lesson 1 shall be about how to get a job without a hassle, while lesson two will be about what jobs you shouldn’t do. This strictly applies to Uganda, never to know about outside countries!

Chapter 1 – How to get a job with no hassle. (Jobs u get without reading newspapers)


Career number 1 – A Priest!

The biggest hassle free job! This is the only job where u start real work while on internship. However, it has it’s downsides;

First off, u get to wear bedsheets – during the freakin’ day!! What kind of fashion sense? Then, u get to carry around some sort of lantern dispensing smoke throughout the church, I believe it’s called incense, smells nasty! Then to crown the bedsheets, there’s lots of bling that goes with it. The bling competes in size with these stuffs worn by those chaps, 50 cents…no…g unit, some crappy names like that. Those chap’s bling consists of a chain and a spinning wheel to go with it. A priest’s bling however has some guy dangling on it as if he has been nailed to a large cross! (blasphemy, they shout!!)

Secondly, as a priest, u shall be locked up in a secluded area, they call it a seminary, where u shall be sharing beds and all that stuff with other men! As if the big brother house in the first week, but this time, u shall be impatiently waiting for chicks for like 9 years, and in the process your bu bums may get violated by the chaps that decide to backslide! Get it? BACK-Slide ……muhuhahahahahaha (Blasphemy, they still shout!!)

Thirdly, u shall be taken back to the days of Julius Ceasar and Shakespear, for while we the cool chaps of the world, we materialistic bastards who have refused to follow this spiritual stuff, are blasting on facebook and learning stuff like twitting, you priests shall be learning 12th century latin and the first language of life, yeah, the one they used in “passion of the christ”. While we say “wat’s crackalackin homes!!!”, u the priest shall be saying “kyrie eleison!!!” (They have walked out, too much blasphemy, they argue!)

But despite all that stuffs, u’ll have a job!

Career number 2 – Nurse / mid wife

First off, what the hell is a mid wife?? Ok, lets assume Mike gets married, then he goes to Mateos and meets Chantal, so as he is hooking up with Chantal, but she is not yet his wife, she is his….errrm…mid wife? Like she’s half way there?? We shall stick to nurses!

So just like priests, mid wi…..er, sori, nurses graduate and get jobs like in the next second! They be walking out of that function where the chancellor has bored them half to death with their usual crappy rants of “welcome to real life, it’s not easy….”, bullshit, as if we don’t know! Anyway, these nurses run straight into the arms of employers, but before u consider this nursing stuffs, what do they do to earn these titles?

Firstly, they have to learn how to clean shit off very sick guys! Their job basically is to learn how an aspirin looks, so when the doctor dispatches them, they don’t return with ARV’s!

Second, they have to know how to tie nuppies, on old men! This is some nasty shit if u asked me (pun intended)!

Before I get u all disgusted with those shitty thoughts (pun intended again), lets get to the end of part 1, free jobs!

Career number 3 – Policemen!

“Ello, pliz sow me de driving permit ello, or u ingia ndani!!” As a policeman, u have to learn to speak like that! These buggers are always threatening chaps! But the truth is, if u decide to be a policeman, THAT’S IT, U ARE ONE! These guys are looking for recruits on a daily! We be here buying newspapers on Monday as if there are no jobs! However;

Are u ready to share a unipot with 3 other families? U be there on a chow with yo wife, then the neighbour, who is your neighbour by virtue of the fact that a bedsheet separates your mattress from theirs, just beez there cheering on from behind the bedsheets, just talking bout;

“dats de sit my man” (That’s the shit my man, in normal lingua!)

In the morning he beez reporting to your superiors;

“boss, dat one deya, he ij de master ello!!” (Boss, that one there he is the master, it’s really silly to explain this stuffs)

Or it may be worse, u be there giving orders to your juniors;

“u MAGGOTS, Salute your commander when he walks in!!”

“Aaaaaahhhh, if u can't even salute for your wife in the bed, why should we salute u?”

“Which faggot said that, and how do u know?? Did my wife tell u?”

“We stay in the same unipot u idiot!!!!”

Anyone still up for an easy job??