Politics - In a nutshell!!

Politics: “The art of governing mankind by deceiving them” – Some chap!

You give a rat’s ass about politics?? Me neither! So why bother discussing these incompetent self-seeking egotistic bastards? Well, they say and do shit that affects you and me. So what exactly do these buggers do? Al try n explain.

Government: To those that were born after 1982, government means NRM!

President: Yoweri Museveni. So we can say, the Yoweri Museveni of South Africa is Jacob Zuma!

Global Fund: Free dimes sent to ministers to have a blast, but usually disguised as money for medicine for poor chaps!

900 million: A sum of hard cash usually found under beds of some politically connected chaps, but with sly wives that keep checking!

NSSF: An organisation enacted by parliament to smoothen the process of politicians getting money from the chaps they rule!

So how do you become a politician?

1 – U must learn the art of being a lying wanker with a very bad fashion sense, for example;

Normal – “we are going to let private companies run our public health service”

Politician “ There are factors within the health service which make it imperative that we add an element of market-led initiatives, in order to better utilize scarce resources, encourage measurable performance and create a culture in which competition is seen as beneficial, with all services being consumer oriented and led…blah blah blah blah!”

2 – U must speak very bad English;

Normal: “For God and my country”

Politician: “For God and my cow-ntry”

After learning those 2 basics, then u need to get a dime and stand for election! Usually, your cool friends won't go out to vote for you, because they are too cool to queue up with those bag snatching lumpens that be at your designated polling station. Do not rely on these corporate punks for a vote.

Just go out to those broke buggers and give each family a bar of soap, and oh, some salt too. Do not, I repeat, do not try to be a wise ass, talking bout “we are going to fix the road and repair the public hospital”, they don’t want to hear that shit, just soap!!

After u have won the election, and assuming the chap you stood for election with doesn’t drag yo ass to court, mbu there were “massive irregularities and voter intimidation”, which is a very catchy and trendy phrase these days, be ready for TOTAL BOREDOM!!

Parliament: The center for political debate. It’s a strange place, with ancient customs and weird ceremonies, with very funny dress codes! But at the end of the day, some laws are actually passed here.

The speaker wears some funny stuff on his head, looks like the same stuff we see in those movies of 1935 England. We thought that was white man’s hair, we were right, but we copied them, AND STILL DO TODAY! Our judges too, SAME WIG!

The first day of parliament will be very boring. You shall be bombarded with words like “plenary session”, “caucus” and even “tea break”! You will probably understand the last one quite easily, seeing as u have gone thru this in school, that’s if the papers you presented to get nominated for this job were not forged by some chap on Nkurumah road.

You will also be put to sleep by the debates, they go something like;

“Senk u sir Mr Speaker Sir for giving me a chance to talk. Mr Speaker sir (they really respect this wiggy chap), according to the amended 1975 by law on con-su-t-uraction and ci-volo works, Subsection2 clause 13 of chap-u-ter four, it says, and I q-wote, “the minister invo-lo-ved shu-l-ddy firsty study de ……..”

And on and on. If u don’t sleep on day one, u are too ambitious!

Somehow you may get named minister – for youth, since u were born after 1982! Yo job, will NOT include going to Club silk on campus nite to catchup on your constituents! Heck, you shouldn’t even go for Rock nite, sijui “steaky is blazing tonight”, you will however be officiating at the “youth day celebrations” in Kayunga! Heck, u shall be attending those wrestling contests in Kalangala, checking on the progress of these youngish punks!

Your docket (be ready to hear such funny words, ati docket!!) will include a very old car and little fuel allowance. Just be patient till you are re-shuffled to the Ministry of Global Fund.

If by any chance you join the opposition, be ready to trash everything, I mean EVERYTHING!!

1 The queen is in kampala – “So what? Instead of fixing roads, we are spending it on the queen!”

2 Uganda was ranked better in economic growth this year – “So what, we would have been better than better”

3 Uganda Cranes won the world cup – “So what, we would have won it long ago, this would probably have been our 4th one”

4 Media freedoms are better than in neighbouring cow-ntries – “This regime is a dictatorship”

And that’s how a politician thinks!